List of Cranky Kong quotes

It has been requested that this article be rewritten and expanded to include more information. Reason: include the many quotes that are missing, from several games

This is a list of quotes by Cranky Kong.

Games

Donkey Kong Country

• "Donkey, I've had enough! That tie - turn it down!"
• "They can't keep this level of graphics up for much longer! We used to be lucky if we only got three shades of grey, let alone any real colors!"
• "Look!...look at this!...as I rock, my beard swings! Waste of frames in my opinion!"
• "We never had any of this fancy 3-D stuff! Oh no, we had to survive on what we had! And what little we did have, we were happy with! Well, I've never seen anything like it!"
• "Y'know what they say, all graphics and no game play!"
• "I can't believe it. You trampled all over Gnawty. Give me that giant banana. I will take care of it for you. Come on, get going. You can't rest yet." (GBA)
• "You sure showed that stupid bird who's boss. Good, that's another banana back. Now go down to Vine Valley and find the others." (GBA)
• "Well, you told him to buzz off. You looked in trouble for a while. Come on, hand it over. I will take that banana for you. Make sure you wrap up warm. I have got a feeling you'll need to." (GBA)
• "Are my old eyes playing tricks? I'm sure I have seen that beaver before. Where could it have been? Grab the banana and give it to me. Head down the mountain to the factory." (GBA)
• "Oh dear! Call that tin can a boss? Surely K.ROOL can come up with better than that, maybe a bucket or perhaps a really nasty fridge! Come on, you are nearly there now. Just Chimp Caverns to go." (GBA)
• "It's just like the old days, reusing the boss, changing it's^[sic] color and pretending it is completely new. That's it, only K.ROOL left to beat. Come on, let's go and kick his scaly butt!" (GBA)

Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest

• "All right. If you somehow get back safely from this and bring back that good-for-nothing Donkey with you, I'll admit that maybe you have what it takes after all. But if you don't there will never be more than cheap cameo roles for you in the future, my boy."
• "Whisking off maidens and throwing barrels around the place seven days a week, I was. That's how I got where I am today, you know. Hard work. None of this lazing around on the beach."
• "I thought you were supposed to be a big star!"
• "I didn't! Whisking off maidens and chucking barrels, seven days a week I was! There was none of this lazin' around on a beach!"
• "I wouldn't be caught dead in a game with bonus levels, end-of-level bosses, and a screen that scrolls!"
• "Say hello to your old grandpappy Cranky. I'm back by popular demand to offer my wealth of gameplay wisdom for this unnecessary sequel."
• "I'd sort out old K. Rool for you real quick, but I'd be spoiling the limited fun you're trying to get out of this shoddy product!"
• "Surprise, surprise. Well if it isn't the so called video game heroes! I hope I'm getting paid for all my help!"
• "Have you been to see the other members of the Kong family? They're not as useful as me of course, but they might be able to help."
• "For just five bucks, you can buy my memoirs. What a dynamic and exciting life I've led. You'll be lucky to star in half as many games as I been."
• "I was hoping for more frames this time, but no! Don't let old Cranky do anything. Just give him some third rate stand frames!"
• "You think your fancy graphics and sound will work again! I think not. You'll be lucky to sell 10 copies this time!"
• "I hope you bought "Cranky Kong Country" last year. I was the one who made it so successful, not that lumbering Donkey!"
• "Just 'cos DKC sold a few lousy copies, I have to be included in another ludicrous adventure! It's the last time, I tell you!"
• "K. Rool is gonna whup your hides this time, whippersnappers! I'd better take over before you embarrass yourselves!"
• "Team up? I've never heard such rubbish in my life! When I played, I was on my own. I had no fancy backup!"
• "Is that nasty fat crocodile beating you? Listen up, and I'll share my amazing knowledge!"
• "Back so soon? I thought you'd complete at least another level before you came crying to me!"
• "I knew you'd be back. Can't finish this ridiculous quest without my help, can you?"
• "I knew it! You've come to beg for my help again, haven't you! Well, I'm not going to tell you anything this time!"
• "You must be really desperate to read all this! Having trouble on your miserable, boring quest are we?"
• "You're looking a bit fat there, kid! Look at me, I'm at my physical peak. I could show you a thing or two!"
• "I don't even get two screens to stand in! I'm sure K. Rool will have two, so why can't I? Pah!"
• "Look! They've even taken my chair from me. It's disgusting how they treat old video game heroes these days..."
• "Did you notice in DKC that my tune sounded like the title tune? How dare they! I'm worth two different tunes at least!"
• "Look at all this junk in here! Treat my home like a trash can they do! No respect for their elders, that's the trouble..."
• "Where's Expresso? A clumsy spider and a fat parrot, is that the best they can think of?"
• "I hate being stuck in this shabby barrel. I want to sit outside like last time!"
• "Give up now before the kids realize you're not as popular as Donkey Kong was!"
• "I'd have never been kidnapped in my day, not like that fat fool Donkey!"
• "You spend as much time in here as I do!"
• "I don't know why I help you so much. You don't appreciate me!"
• "I'll box your ears if you don't listen this time!"
• "Don't you ever knock? I know you're desperate for help, but remember your manners next time!"
• "Come on in! Have yourselves a look 'round and buy some of this trash, why don't you?"
• "Haven't sold a single thing in weeks! If this junk was out of one of my games, the customers would be begging to get in!"
• "What do you want this time?"
• "O.K., which of these would you like?"
• "Here's what I've got to offer."
• "This stuff is cheap at half the price!"
• "Gaze in awe, as you appreciate my knowledge!"
• "Here's a fraction of my enviable knowledge!"
• "Go ahead, test my amazing knowledge!"
• "Pick a subject! I know everything about this game!"
• "Try all you'd like, this game will never be as good as Donkey Kong Country, and even THAT was rubbish anyway!"
• "Shouldn't Dixie just be a token female princess waiting to be rescued, instead of a main character?"
• "What sort of name is Dixie anyway? In my day, you were lucky to have a name at all."
• "Diddy, I thought you were a cheap character in DKC, but Dixie's even worse! It should be me on my own, that it should!"
• "Girl heroes in video games, pah. I can't believe it! The main character should be really muscle-bound and carry a gun, not twirl their hair round!"
• "I knew you'd do it, Diddy m'boy, but how could you fail having learned all you know from old Cranky here?"
• "Well done, Diddy, m'boy! Who'd have known you'd be able to rescue that lazy grandson of mine and dump K. Rool in his own filthy swamp? Not bad for a novice! Of course, if I'd have been playing, I'd have made sure that K. Rool never tries a cheap trick like this again!"
• "I reckon I'd found all the Kremkoins and completed the so called 'Lost World'. Oh well, can't expect everything from our first game, can we?"
• "One more thing, how many of my special Video Game Hero Coins did you find? A real player, such as myself, would have found plent I'm sure."
• "Let's see how well you did, eh?"
• "Well, I've got a second screen, and it's about time too. Now, shut up everyone while I read the eagarly awaited results of my prestigious Video Game Hero Awards...."
• "Hmmm... Not too good at finding my coins, are you, sonny? You might be a hero, but you've got a lot of catching up to do, yes siree!"
• "Hey.. not bad for a young 'un! 'Course' you're going to have to find a few more if you want to be a big a hero as I was!"
• "I'm not afraid to admit it, Diddy m'boy. Even I'm wrong occasionally. You're as big a hero as they come. You must take after me and Donkey. Well Done!"
• "If you want to look at your limited progress on this screen, press the left and right buttons while you are on any of the map screens."
• "Back to see me again, eh, sonny? Let's see if you've improved your hero status, shall we?"
• "Nope! You haven't improved any since your last visit so stop wasting time here and find my coins, you useless bums!"
• "Now buzz off and see if you can find some more of my coins, which I very much doubt you will."
• "N-n-nice going k-kid! I-I reckon only a t-t-true video g-game hero would h-have f-f-finished it all!"
• "L-let's get out of t-this miserable d-dump, and g-get back t-t-to D-Donkey K-K-Kong Island!"
• "An eight-legged friend will go halfway to help you here."
• "I bet this here Killer Instinct game is rubbish too! It hasn't got me in it, so it must be!"
• "Enough talk, let's see your tokens!"
• "I'd have collected far more tokens than that by now! What's wrong, got holes in your pockets?"
• "I reckon you should spend all your tokens here."
• "I can recommend the really expensive ones, actually."
• "Don't come back without a sackful of tokens!"
• "I'm off to spend my tokens!"
• "Feast yer eyes on my menu!"
• "Take a look at this lot!"
• "Time for a couple of games on this here Killer Instinct."
• "I gotta go now, my wife is visiting any moment!"
• "When you need more advice, which you will, I might help again, if you're lucky."
• "Remember, I'm the most useful of the Kongs, and the cheapest!"
• "It should be real easy for you now!"
• "Even you can finish this silly game now!"
• "Now, go and sort out those stupid crocodiles!"
• "Don't be surprised if I'm gone next time. I'll be in a real game!"
• "Now, buzz off and let me work on my new game design."
• "Guess I'd better tidy this miserable dump up a bit."
• "I don't want to help you too much."
• "That's enough help for now. I need some rest."
• "Yawn! I'm getting tired. Go away and don't disturb me again!"
• "Find some more tokens, you useless monkey!"
• "You'll have to play better to buy that, sonny!"
• "Hey! If you ain't got any tokens, you can buzz off!"
• "You ain't got enough tokens for that, cheapskate!"
• "You'd better stick to the free ones, whippersnapper."
• "It's not a charity! I want more tokens for this!"
• "You must be joking! You'll never have enough for that!"
• "My knowledge doesn't come that cheap!"
• "Keep yer grubby hands off if you can't afford it!"
• "I'm not giving this stuff away you know!"
• "Not enough? Well, get lost then."
• "That one is too good for you."
• "That's not enough. I've got new frames to pay for y' know!"
• "Hey! What are you waiting for? There's no secret stuff hidden here, sonny!"
• "There is, however, a couple of special options on the game selection screen though I'm sure they're of little use."
• "To find these silly options, press down lots of times, but if I were you, I wouldn't bother."
• "Now, go ahead and switch that cartridge off, so I could get some sleep! I reckon I've earned it!"

Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble!

• "So you've reached the bonus game then, have you? It's not a simple game of questions and answers this time though! Now you've got to beat yours truly if you want to win any prizes!"
• "You fraudster! I'm off to consult my lawyers about this!" (leaves the tent)
• "Get out of my tent now, you cheeky ape!! Wait till I tell your parents."
• "Hey, hey, you cheeky monkey! Have this as a bonus prize!" (throws a ball at the player's active Kong)
• "Check this out! It's my eight ball air juggle! A killer, isn't it?"
• "Try again, you knucklehead!" (Tie)
• "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?"

Donkey Kong Country Returns

• "Gimme some of those Banana Coins. I have bills to pay." (Entering his shop)
• "Back for more, are you? I knew you couldn't make it without my help." (Entering his shop)
• "Well, you've amazed your old grandpa by getting this far." (Entering his shop)
• "Can you believe the shack they stuck me in?!" (Entering his shop)
• "Blood may be thicker than water, but Banana Coins are thicker still. Get in here." (Entering his shop)
• "Who is that pig, anyway? And why's he wearing glasses?" (Entering his shop)
• "Let me know if you find the Golden Banana! I hear it's glorious!" (Entering his shop)
• "Shut the door! You're letting all the cold air." (Entering his shop)
• "Betcha won't get much further than this..." (Entering his shop)
• "What do you want, eh? I'm a busy ape, I am!" (Entering his shop)
• ""Oh, Cranky, I need some help. Oh, Cranky, can you sell me a parrot?" Pshh." (Entering his shop)
• "Hurry up and buy something. I have plans for those coins." (Entering his shop)
• "Come on in! I got heart boosts, magic potions, and more balloons than you can shake Diddy at!" (Entering his shop)
• "They stopped paying my pension ages ago. Now I'm reduced to selling junk out of this old shack." (Entering his shop)
• "So, who hasn't stolen your bananas at this point?" (Entering his shop)
• "Have you tried Roll Jumping yet? We apes have no need for the laws of physics!" (Entering his shop)
• "Tell those Tikis to keep it down! I'm an old ape, and I need my rest." (Entering his shop)
• "If you want to free the island from those stinking Tikis, you'll need my help. Get in here!" (Entering his shop)
• "Sorry, but I am fresh out of life vests." (Entering his shop on the Beach)
• "I've been trying to figure out just what they mine in those mines, but I've got nothing." (Entering his shop in the Cave)
• "Wow, you made it all the way to the ruins. I'd pat you on the head if I wasn't so cranky." (Entering his shop in the Ruins)
• "Close the door! I don't want any of those spiders getting in here." (Entering his shop in the Forest)
• "Some say it's fun to play in the tar pits, of course, those folks are all fossils now..." (Entering his shop on the Cliff)
• "I love this place. Brings back the memories, it does." (Entering his shop in the Factory)
• "It's a bittersweet feeling to reach the end of such an adventure, don't you agree?" (Entering his shop in the Volcano)
• "You wouldn't have any water on you, would you, sonny? Hoo boy." (Entering his shop in the Volcano)
• "One extra balloon equals one extra reprieve from failure." (Highlighting an Extra Life Balloon)
• "Just one of these balloons is enough to hold the weight of an entire ape!" (Highlighting an Extra Life Balloon)
• "Where does an ape get helium for all these balloons? I will never tell!" (Highlighting an Extra Life Balloon)
• "All the balloons you buy from me are going to pop eventually, just you wait!" (Highlighting an Extra Life Balloon)
• "How about an extra balloon for you? Don't say you couldn't use it." (Highlighting an Extra Life Balloon)
• "Where does an ape keep all these balloons, anyway?" (Highlighting a 3 Extra Life Balloon)
• "Three is a crowd! I make do with one...me!" (Highlighting the 3 Extra Life Balloon)
• "These ought to help with some of those tough spots." (Highlighting the 3 Extra Life Balloon)
• "If you could bop indefinitely, you wouldn't have to buy these from me." (Highlighting the 7 Extra Life Balloon)
• "Come on, sonny, these are friend prices!" (Highlighting the 7 Extra Life Balloon)
• "I blew up all these balloons myself, you know." (Highlighting the 7 Extra Life Balloon)
• "If you're having trouble finding secrets, Squawks is your man! Err...bird!" (Highlighting Squawks)
• "Not only does he keep me company, he reminds me where I left my keys!" (Highlighting Squawks)
• "Of course, I would have no need for this little guy, but you aren't me, are you?" (Highlighting Squawks)
• "Go ahead and buy it. You need all the help you can get, sonny." (Highlighting the Heart Boost)
• "You buy one of these, and you can withstand one more hit than usual." (Highlighting the Heart Boost)
• "You gonna stare all day, or are you gonna throw down some coin?" (Highlighting the Heart Boost)
• "You've got a lot of heart...but heart does not equal skill." (Highlighting the Heart Boost)
• "Back in my day, I could get through the island without getting hit even once!" (Highlighting the Heart Boost)
• "Drink a little of this, and enemies won't be able to hurt you." (Highlighting the Banana Juice)
• "You better hope the Tikis don't get their mitts on this stuff." (Highlighting the Banana Juice)
• "This stuff only lasts a little while. Take too many hits and it's gone!" (Highlighting the Banana Juice)
• "One drink of this juice, and you'll be unstoppable!" (Highlighting the Banana Juice)
• "Don't waste it!" (Buying an Extra Life Balloon)
• "I give this balloon 30 seconds before it pops." (Buying an Extra Life Balloon)
• "You'll need every balloon you can get if you want to finish this quest." (Buying an Extra Life Balloon)
• "Excellent choice!" (Buying an Extra Life Balloon)
• "Guess I'll get back to inflatin'." (Buying a 3 or a 7 Extra Life Balloon)
• "Careful you don't float away with all these balloons!" (Buying a 3 or a 7 Extra Life Balloon)
• "You already have too many of these, you greedy ape!" (Trying to buy an Extra Life Balloon when the player has too many of them)
• "Keep him safe, you hear?!" (Buying Squawks)
• "Squawks will speak up when he finds secrets...for a friend." (Buying Squawks)
• "Okay, sonny, but don't say I didn't ridicule you.." (Buying the Heart Boost)
• "And I thought two hearts was too easy! Now you want a third?" (Buying the Heart Boost)
• "Remember, take too many hits and it's gone!" (Buying the Banana Juice)
• "Wow, way to fight fair, Donkey Kong." (Buying the Banana Juice)
• "You already bought this key, sonny!" (Trying to buy the already bought Map Key)
• "What's the matter? Waste all your coins on video games?" (Not having enough coins to buy something)
• "Don't have enough Banana Coins? I wish I could say I was surprised." (Not having enough coins to buy something)
• "Aww...Poor little monkey is all out of money." (Not having enough coins to buy something)
• "You know where you can find more Banana Coins? Everywhere." (Not having enough coins to buy something)
• "Come back when you have some more coins, sonny." (Not having enough coins to buy something)
• "Come back with fistfuls of Banana Coins or don't come back at all!" (Leaving the shop)
• "See ya later, alligator! Ha! Ha!" (Leaving the shop)
• "When in doubt, pound! Or jump, or blow, or whatever, I'm sure you'll figure it out." (Leaving the shop)
• "Make sure to shut the gate on your way out. I didn't raise you in a barn!" (Leaving the shop)
• "Keep your eyes open for those Kong Letters, they might be worth something!" (Leaving the shop)
• "Good luck, kid. From the looks of you, you're going to need it." (Leaving the shop)
• "If you see that old rhino fella out there, tell him to stop by." (Leaving the shop)
• "Glad I could help by grandson overcome this deadly challenge in exchange for a little cash money." (Leaving the shop)
• "They say there is a banana out there that not only tastes great, but warps you to an alternate dimension. I say, yes please!" (Leaving the shop)
• "Now get out there and give those little drum guys what for. Yes, I said "What for." I'm old. Get over it." (Leaving the shop)
• "It sure looks dangerous out there. See ya!" (Leaving the shop)
• "Can't say I expect to see you again, but you might get lucky, I guess." (Leaving the shop)
• "Good luck out there, kid!" (Leaving the shop)
• "Don't you just love a nice sunset?" (Leaving his shop in the Jungle)
• "Tell that bulbous banana-eating guy he needs to cut down on the nanners! I mean, look at him! He's huge!" (Leaving his shop in the Jungle)
• "Keep an eye out for large marine life. Some of those guys can get...testy." (Leaving his shop on the Beach)
• "Be careful on those aqueducts. I don't think they were built to code." (Leaving his shop in the Ruins)
• "And remember, just because it can't see you doesn't mean it can't hurl a pickaxe right at your head." (Leaving his shop in the Cave)
• "Keep an eye out for some replacement rocking-chair material. This one chafes." (Leaving his shop in the Forest)
• "Stay out of the tar, sonny! Jeez, do I have to teach you everything?" (Leaving his shop on the Cliff)
• "Tip from Gramps! If you see three levels arranged in a very precise pattern, perhaps that's worth looking into." (Leaving his shop in the Factory)
• "And remember! Lava? Less fun than tar." (Leaving his shop in the Volcano)

Instruction booklets

• "Look at the fancy box. Look at the size of this instruction manual. You don't think they would have gone to all this trouble if the game was any good, do you?!" (Donkey Kong Country SNES copyrights and warnings)
• "You're only reading this because you're bored!" (Donkey Kong Country SNES story)
• "I wouldn't believe a word of this! I've been everywhere and I found only two locations, bad ones at that!" (Donkey Kong Country SNES locations)
• "Well well, I've never seen so much rubbish. A good game shouldn't need any explanation!" (Donkey Kong Country SNES controller layout)
• "I can't believe you're still reading this! What you need is a good trashing!" (Donkey Kong Country SNES objects and items)
• "Bonus levels? Ha! Don't hold your breath and look for these, there are none." (Donkey Kong Country SNES bonus levels)
• "Tired of me? You're lucky I'm here to brighten up this boring manual!" (Donkey Kong Country SNES The Kong Family)
• "Err... Nope! None of these baddies are in! They must have slipped in the wrong instruction manual or something!" (Donkey Kong Country SNES enemies)
• "Does anyone ever actually use these memo pages? Waste of paper if you ask me!" (Donkey Kong Country SNES notes page)
• "Copy?! Who'd want to copy this game?" (Donkey Kong County SNES copyright warning and warranty)
• "What? This old chestnut again? Even I'm fed up of hearing it by now!" (Donkey Kong Country GBA story)
• "Hah, go on—erase your game! It'd be a darn sight more fun than trying to play it..." (Donkey Kong Country GBA game erase)
• "All this fancy animation makes me sick. Back in my day, we'd have two frames and enjoy it!" (Donkey Kong Country GBA game screen)
• "So where's the Quit Barrel to get you out of this sorry excuse for a game?" (Donkey Kong Country GBA objects and items)
• "Agh! When will this family of mine aspire to more than a few seedy bonus games?" (Donkey Kong Country GBA bonus games)
• "Combos? Multiplayer options? Hidden extras? You youngsters are so shallow!" (Donkey Kong Country GBA extras)
• "Go on, prove me right and show how hopeless you are by actually using the Notes page!" (Donkey Kong Country GBA notes page)
• "I don't know how this got a seal of quality! It seems any old trash can worm its way through these days..." (Donkey Kong Country 2 SNES copyrights and warnings)
• "Arrrrgh! This story's even worse than DKC! They're really scraping the bottom of the barrel this time!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 SNES story)
• "Someone sure has a vivid imagination! I've been everywhere and I can tell you that none of these places actually exist!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 SNES locations)
• "Look at all these buttons! it's ridiculous, I say! Kids wept with joy if we gave 'em two to press!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 SNES controls)
• "Bah! The lad had a couple of frames in DKC and now he thinks he's a big star!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 SNES about Diddy Kong)
• "What's going on here? Dixie should be the damsel in distress, not one of the stars!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 SNES about Dixie Kong)
• "I've never seen so much worthless rubbish! I'm surprised they don't give you a special 'trash barrel' to haul it all around in!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 SNES/GBA objects and items)
• "A more tragic looking bunch of useless no-hopers you'll never see! I liked Expresso and Winky—where've they gone?" (Donkey Kong Country 2 SNES Animal Buddies)
• "Visit me first and give me all your coins! I'm far more useful than these other sad-looking bums!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 SNES The Kong Family)
• "How many? I reckon they've just put fancy pictures in here to make it look good. There's only three of these in the game, at most!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 SNES/GBA enemies)
• "I'll wager this shoddy game won't even last three days, so you'll be needing this warranty, I can assure you." (Donkey Kong Country 2 SNES copyright warning and warranties)
• "Call that a storyline? Somebody tell them they're wearing out the bottom of the barrel!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 GBA story)
• "Don't be surprised if none of these places actually exist! I know what these manual writers are like." (Donkey Kong Country 2 GBA locations)
• "Look at all that—it's absurd! A joystick and one button should be enough for anyone!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 GBA controller)
• "Talk about ideas above their station. It takes more then fancy acrobatics to carry a whole game." (Donkey Kong Country 2 GBA characters)
• "It must have taken months to weed out a totally worthless bunch of sidekicks! Good luck—you'll need it!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 GBA Animal Buddies)
• "The first piece of advice is free: don't waste your money on these other sad cases!" (Donkey Kong Country 2 GBA The Kong Family)
• "Are you serious? One Cranky Comment throughout the entire manual, that's all the respect I get? And in the stinking Barrels page too?" (Donkey Kong Country 3 GBA objects and items)
• "Troff's a pig, Scoff's a hippo, and both are big, slow, and useless."
• "So let's see what nonsense they've made up for this game, shall we? Hmm... well, I have to hand it to them. This time they've managed to come up with a decent storyline that doesn't involve the usual golden bananas. Only joking kids! This one's worse than all the previous efforts put together! I know you probably aren't expecting a best seller, but wait till you hear this load of rubbish..."
• "Diddy is quick, nimble and courageous but still a bit of a lightweight when compared to my fine physique. He's also got this new-fangled thing he calls a Jetbarrel, but it sounds like nothing more than a lot of hot air to me."
• "Tiny can also shrink in size--although I reckon that one's nothing more than a marketing gimmick and won't even be in the game!"
• "Those silly stretchy arms give Lanky plenty of potential, but I'm sure he'll be too busy clowning around to be of much use."
• "Just remember that we rightfully expect our expertise to be rewarded, so do collect a good haul of Banana Bunch Coins before you even think about disturbing me, won't you?"
• "My powerful potions will give you abilities you've never dreamed of and certainly don't deserve, assuming of course you can afford my modest asking fee. Now don't you go asking me for a potion of gameplay, as even my genius can't rescue this game from its rightful destiny in the bargain bin."
• "I could defeat K. Rool single-handedly of course, but then you wouldn't have a game to play would you?"
• "I knew they'd have to have something like this. The Kongs will be so weighed down with all the garbage they have to collect, I can't see them getting past the second level. You can view all this silly nonsense and some other stuff I don't understand by pressing START during your game."
• "Now where did they put the level I designed? Hmm... I can't seem to find it. It was called the 'Great Girder Grapple' as I remember. Oooh, I must have spent at least 3 minutes working on it. I even drew them a fancy little picture. Bah! It must have been too good for them. The kids would have refused to play their fancy 3-D levels once they'd gotten a taste of my 2-D girder action! Don't give up hope though; they might have hidden it somewhere like a priceless gem, hoping that no one will ever find it..."
• "Elsewhere in Gloomy Galleon, you'll find a hulking structure that's a bit dim and doesn't work. Yes, I know you already know about Chunky, but this is also true of a eerie lighthouse. Let's see if you can get them both working and be of some use."
• "Tough luck kid. I've been told to keep my mouth shut, as they want to keep all the good stuff for a money-making strategy guide. I'm sure some of it will appear on the newfangled 'internet' thing as well, so I suggest you take a look-see there. You could also ask your friends, assuming of course you've got any. If all else fails, you'll just have to play better."
• "The best switch is the one on top of your N64, as you can turn off your silly 3-D adventure and let me get some sleep."
• "I can't be bothered to tell you any more about Snide, so you'll have to ask him what he's doing in this game when you meet him."
• "DK is the leader of this mangy bunch and tells me that he has learned a whole new bunch of 'mean, reptile-stomping' moves. I doubt whether they will be any better than his old ones, but we shall see, shan't we?"
• "Funky stocks the following shooters, all of which can hopefully be upgraded, if you can get that far into the game without falling asleep."
• "Golden Bananas are the most precious item in the game, apart from me, of course. You'll need plenty of these to progress through the levels. If you find more than ten, I'll be surprised."
• "Special? Hah! I'd sure like to know what makes these items any better than the others; they look just as useless to me. Probably because they're slightly larger and a little shinier, I suppose."
• "Also found in the level lobbies, the information concealed behind these Wrinkly doors should be used as a last resort only. (Or as a first resort if you are a really poor player.)"
• "Let me know if you find a bananaport that can take me out of this sorry game, and I'll be there in a flash."
• "Jump in these to be transformed into an animal buddy. I just hope they've included poor old Winky and Expresso this time instead of that bone-brained rhino that always seems to get in the games."
• "Can't a tired old ape take a nap around here?? A bunch of shifty-eyed musical miscreants just kicked our volcano into overdrive and took over Donkey Kong Island! Enough with the noise, already!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "These rhythmic rabble-rousers are up to no good. They've been putting some kind of musical mojo on all our animal buddies and toting off every banana in sight. And get this: they've even gone after Donkey Kong's secret hoard! Nothing burns that boy's biscuits like someone messing with his precious bananas!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Just what do they want with all those stolen bananas? Back in my day, I'd take care of this mysterious predicament without breaking a sweat, but Donkey Kong and his little pal Diddy Kong are all worked up and ready for action. If anybody can run, jump, cling, and swing to the bottom of all this banana burglary, it's those two!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Here's a tip from my days as a beloved hero: Try rolling off a ledge and jumping in midair. That'll get your blood movin'!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Rocket what? In my day, we had to walk uphill both ways to get around the island!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "I heard through the apevine that something nifty happens if you find all the K-O-N-G Letters and Puzzle Pieces. Get a move on!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Super Kong? Bah, fiddlesticks! I could do a better job with my eyes tied behind my back! Now, where'd my cane get off to?" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Always explore each level thoroughly to find all the secrets. Those pesky Tikis haven't found everything hidden on this island." (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "if^[sic] you get lost, try going right...or was it left? Maybe up? Sorry--senior moment." (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Some enemies are too tough to beat with a simple jump. Try different moves when you encounter a new enemy. Like ground pound. Or better yet, buy stuff from my shop!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Leave no banana behind. if^[sic] you collect enough of them, you'll get an extra balloon. I'm not sure how many bananas you need, because i'm^[sic] so tough that i^[sic] only need one balloon!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "That Donkey Kong may be strong, but he's not the only monkey in the barrel. He'll need Diddy Kong's help to get to those hard-to-reach places." (Donkey Kong Country Returns)

Non-game appearances

Donkey Kong Country (novel)

• "What in the name of monkey business is going on here? Holy monkey madness, will you just look at that! Looks like the Kremlings made off with all our bananas!"

• "I'm with the youngster! Let's give those Krem-bums a good old-fashioned monkey-barrel full of trouble!"

Donkey Kong Country: Rumble in the Jungle

• "I hate flying! Why, if apes were meant to fly, they'd have wings. Yes, sir, I like it right here on the ground. And if you had any sense, you'd stay put with your feet firmly planted on the jungle floor!"
• "Just a vine-swinging minute! Do you really think I'm going to let you go on another adventure alone?"
• "I was navigating these jungles when you were knee-high to a baby baboon. I'll lead."
• "I haven't been [in Big Ape City] since I saw your age, Donkey. Even then it was decaying and dangerous. Still, it brings back memories. I remember battling a short plumber named Mario..."
• "Why, back in my day we wouldn't be sneaking around, hiding in the back of carts. We'd battle the guys right out in the open. But you young apes wouldn't know a real adventure if it jumped up and bit you on the nose!"
• I was stomping on the likes of you when you were knee-high to a salamander!"

Television shows

• "DONKEY KONG!!!"
• "What am I doing in this contraption? I've got an air-head airline pilot and a couple of knuckleheads guarding the Crystal Coconut."
• "Cranky: He thought we're talking about him and not the X-Ray machine and now he's trying to weasel his way into the history book by killing all of us with his good deeds. Fat chance.
  Diddy: How do we make him stop?
  Cranky: With the cherry soda! Right there on the shelf next to the Super-Sonic Vitapunch pack.
  Donkey: Cherry soda?
  Cranky: He thinks he has a fatal disease?
  Donkey: Yeah.
  Cranky: All we have to do is convince him that this cherry soda is some new miracle drug that will cure him.
  Diddy: Cherry soda's a miracle drug?
  Cranky: Of course not! But he'll think so and stop trying to destroy Congo Bongo by being a hero. Besides, I've been trying to unload that stuff for ages." ("From Zero to Hero")
• "I'll smackify the both of ya unless you knock off the Science-Fictional nonsense."
• "K. Rool: It isn't over until it's over!
  Cranky: At least this conversation's over."
• "Cranky: "'Who built the ancient and mysterious temple of Inka-Dinka Doo?' Now why do you knuckleheads suppose it's called mysterious?
  Donkey: We don't know?
  Cranky: Exactly! It's a mystery! No one knows who built it! The end!" ("Raiders of the Lost Banana")
• "Bluster: The Barrel Copter! Mommy'll be livid!
  Cranky: Tell her to take a number. I was livid first." ("Raiders of the Lost Banana")
• "Cranky: The tickle tonic's starting to freeze!
  Funky: Then let's tickle-sickle him!
  Cranky: I think you may want to stick a thermometer in your ear. I think the same thing is happening to your head." ("Cranky's Tickle Tonic")
• "Cranky: Business? You've got no business to go into business! You'll lose your shirt!
  Donkey: That's OK. I don't wear a shirt.
  Cranky: Then you'll lose your tie." ("The Big Chill Out")
• "What am I doing here? I could ask you what you're doing here, all of you! But I know - wrecking my vacation, that's what! First bees, then ants, now you and those overstuffed alligators are the icing on the cake!" ("Buried Treasure")
• "Ah, the rare flora-dora orchid. And today's the one day a year that you bloom for five seconds, when the sun is in exactly... that position. Say cheese! That's it, work with me. I only have five seconds. See you next year, my pretty! Hey, how come you're still here? Wait a minute, the sun should've shifted. Great jumpin' bananas! The sun's not moving! That can't be good..." ("The Day the Island Stood Still")
• "It sounds crazy, but so is everything else that's happened today!"
• "Cranky: You'll know all the secrets when Inka Dinka Doo thinks you're ready! Until then, I got a little tip for you, DK.
  Donkey: Yea? What's that?
  Cranky: GO HOME AND LET ME GET SOME SLEEP!" ("Legend of the Crystal Coconut")