List of Cranky Kong quotes

It has been requested that this article be rewritten and expanded to include more information. Reason: way too many quotes are missing, from several games

This is a list of quotes by Cranky Kong.

Games

Donkey Kong Country

• "Donkey, I've had enough! That tie - turn it down!"
• "They can't keep this level of graphics up for much longer! We used to be lucky if we only got three shades of grey, let alone any real colors!"
• "Look!...look at this!...as I rock, my beard swings! Waste of frames in my opinion!"
• "We never had any of this fancy 3-D stuff! Oh no, we had to survive on what we had! And what little we did have, we were happy with! Well, I've never seen anything like it!"
• "Y'know what they say, all graphics and no game play!"
• "I can't believe it. You trampled all over Gnawty. Give me that giant banana. I will take care of it for you. Come on, get going. You can't rest yet." (GBA)
• "You sure showed that stupid bird who's boss. Good, that's another banana back. Now go down to Vine Valley and find the others." (GBA)
• "Well, you told him to buzz off. You looked in trouble for a while. Come on, hand it over. I will take that banana for you. Make sure you wrap up warm. I have got a feeling you'll need to." (GBA)
• "Are my old eyes playing tricks? I'm sure I have seen that beaver before. Where could it have been? Grab the banana and give it to me. Head down the mountain to the factory." (GBA)
• "Oh dear! Call that tin can a boss? Surely K.ROOL can come up with better than that, maybe a bucket or perhaps a really nasty fridge! Come on, you are nearly there now. Just Chimp Caverns to go." (GBA)
• "It's just like the old days, reusing the boss, changing its color and pretending it is completely new. That's it, only K.ROOL left to beat. Come on, let's go and kick his scaly butt!" (GBA)

Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest

• "All right. If you somehow get back safely from this and bring back that good-for-nothing Donkey with you, I'll admit that maybe you have what it takes after all. But if you don't there will never be more than cheap cameo roles for you in the future, my boy."
• "Whisking off maidens and throwing barrels around the place seven days a week, I was. That's how I got where I am today, you know. Hard work. None of this lazing around on the beach."

Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble!

• "So you've reached the bonus game then, have you? It's not a simple game of questions and answers this time though! Now you've got to beat yours truly if you want to win any prizes!"
• "You fraudster! I'm off to consult my lawyers about this!" (leaves the tent)
• "Get out of my tent now, you cheeky ape!! Wait till I tell your parents."
• "Hey, hey, you cheeky monkey! Have this as a bonus prize!" (throws a ball at your active Kong)
• "Check this out! It's my eight ball air juggle! A killer, isn't it?"
• "Try again, you knucklehead!" (Tie)
• "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?"

Donkey Kong Country Returns

This section is under construction. Therefore, please excuse its informal appearance while it is being worked on. We hope to have it completed as soon as possible.

• "Gimme some of those Banana Coins. I have bills to pay." (Entering his shop)
• "Back for more, are you? I knew you couldn't make it without my help." (Entering his shop)
• "Well, you've amazed you old grandpa by getting this far." (Entering his shop)
• "One extra balloon equals one extra reprieve from failure." (Highlighting an Extra Life Balloon)
• "Just one of these balloons is enough to hold the weight of an entire ape!" (Highlighting an Extra Life Balloon)
• "Where does an ape get helium for all these balloons? I will never tell!" (Highlighting an Extra Life Balloon)
• "All the balloons you buy from me are going to pop eventually, just you wait!" (Highlighting an Extra Life Balloon)
• "How about an extra balloon for you? Don't say you couldn't use it." (Highlighting an Extra Life Balloon)
• "Where does an ape keep all these balloons, anyway?" (Highlighting a 3 Extra Life Balloon)
• "Three is a crowd! I make do with one...me!" (Highlighting the 3 Extra Life Balloon)
• "These ought to help with some of those tough spots." (Highlighting the 3 Extra Life Balloon)
• "If you could bop indefinitely, you wouldn't have to buy these from me." (Highlighting the 7 Extra Life Balloon)
• "Come on, sonny, these are friend prices!" (Highlighting the 7 Extra Life Balloon)
• "I blew up all these balloons myself, you know." (Highlighting the 7 Extra Life Balloon)
• "If you're having trouble finding secrets, Squawks is your man! Err...bird!" (Highlighting Squawks)
• "Not only does he keep me company, he reminds me where I left my keys!" (Highlighting Squawks)
• "Of course, I would have no need for this little guy, but you aren't me, are you?" (Highlighting Squawks)
• "Go ahead and buy it. You need all the help you can get, sonny." (Highlighting the Heart Boost)
• "You buy one of these, and you can withstand one more hit than usual." (Highlighting the Heart Boost)
• "You gonna stare all day, or are you gonna throw down some coin?" (Highlighting the Heart Boost)
• "You've got a lot of heart...but heart does not equal skill." (Highlighting the Heart Boost)
• "Back in my day, I could get through the island without getting hit even once!" (Highlighting the Heart Boost)
• "Drink a little of this, and enemies won't be able to hurt you." (Highlighting the Banana Juice)
• "You better hope the Tikis don't get their mitts on this stuff." (Highlighting the Banana Juice)
• "This stuff only lasts a little while. Take too many hits and it's gone!" (Highlighting the Banana Juice)
• "One drink of this juice, and you'll be unstoppable!" (Highlighting the Banana Juice)
• "Don't waste it!" (Buying an Extra Life Balloon)
• "You already bought this key, sonny!" (Trying to buy the already bought Map Key)
• "What's the matter? Waste all your coins on video games?" (Not having enough coins to buy something)
• "Don't have enough Banana Coins? I wish I could say I was surprised." (Not having enough coins to buy something)
• "Aww...Poor little monkey is all out of money." (Not having enough coins to buy something)
• "You know where you can find more Banana Coins? Everywhere." (Not having enough coins to buy something)
• "Come back when you have some more coins, sonny." (Not having enough coins to buy something)
• "Come back with fistfuls of Banana Coins or don't come back at all!" (Leaving the shop)
• "See ya later, alligator! Ha! Ha!" (Leaving the shop)
• "When in doubt, Pound! Or jump, or blow, or whatever, I'm sure you'll figure it out." (Leaving the shop)

Instruction booklets

• "You're only reading this because you're bored!"
• "Troff's a pig, Scoff's a hippo, and both are big, slow, and useless."
• "I can't believe you're still reading this! What you need is a good trashing!"
• "Does anyone ever actually use these memo pages? Waste of paper if you ask me!"
• "Tired of me? You're lucky I'm here to brighten up this boring manual!"
• "Err... Nope! None of these baddies are in! They must have slipped in the wrong instruction manual or something!"
• "Copy?! Who'd want to copy this game?"
• "Someone sure has a vivid imagination! I've been everywhere and I can tell you that none of these places actually exist!"
• "What's going on here? Dixie should be the damsel in distress, not one of the stars!"
• "I wouldn't believe a word of this! I've been everywhere and I found only two locations, bad ones at that!"
• "Look at the fancy box. Look at the size of this instruction manual. You don't think they would have gone to all this trouble if the game was any good, do you?!"
• "Bah! The lad had a couple of frames in DKC and now he thinks he's a big star!"
• "So let's see what nonsense they've made up for this game, shall we? Hmm... well, I have to hand it to them. This time they've managed to come up with a decent storyline that doesn't involve the usual golden bananas. Only joking kids! This one's worse than all the previous efforts put together! I know you probably aren't expecting a best seller, but wait till you hear this load of rubbish..."
• "Diddy is quick, nimble and courageous but still a bit of a lightweight when compared to my fine physique. He's also got this new-fangled thing he calls a Jetbarrel, but it sounds like nothing more than a lot of hot air to me."
• "Tiny can also shrink in size--although I reckon that one's nothing more than a marketing gimmick and won't even be in the game!"
• "Those silly stretchy arms give Lanky plenty of potential, but I'm sure he'll be too busy clowning around to be of much use."
• "Just remember that we rightfully expect our expertise to be rewarded, so do collect a good haul of Banana Bunch Coins before you even think about disturbing me, won't you?"
• "My powerful potions will give you abilities you've never dreamed of and certainly don't deserve, assuming of course you can afford my modest asking fee. Now don't you go asking me for a potion of gameplay, as even my genius can't rescue this game from its rightful destiny in the bargain bin."
• "I could defeat K. Rool single-handedly of course, but then you wouldn't have a game to play would you?"
• "I knew they'd have to have something like this. The Kongs will be so weighed down with all the garbage they have to collect, I can't see them getting past the second level. You can view all this silly nonsense and some other stuff I don't understand by pressing START during your game."
• "Now where did they put the level I designed? Hmm... I can't seem to find it. It was called the 'Great Girder Grapple' as I remember. Oooh, I must have spent at least 3 minutes working on it. I even drew them a fancy little picture. Bah! It must have been too good for them. The kids would have refused to play their fancy 3-D levels once they'd gotten a taste of my 2-D girder action! Don't give up hope though; they might have hidden it somewhere like a priceless gem, hoping that no one will ever find it..."
• "Elsewhere in Gloomy Galleon, you'll find a hulking structure that's a bit dim and doesn't work. Yes, I know you already know about Chunky, but this is also true of a eerie lighthouse. Let's see if you can get them both working and be of some use."
• "Tough luck kid. I've been told to keep my mouth shut, as they want to keep all the good stuff for a money-making strategy guide. I'm sure some of it will appear on the newfangled 'internet' thing as well, so I suggest you take a look-see there. You could also ask your friends, assuming of course you've got any. If all else fails, you'll just have to play better."
• "The best switch is the one on top of your N64, as you can turn off your silly 3-D adventure and let me get some sleep."
• "I can't be bothered to tell you any more about Snide, so you'll have to ask him what he's doing in this game when you meet him."
• "DK is the leader of this mangy bunch and tells me that he has learned a whole new bunch of 'mean, reptile-stomping' moves. I doubt whether they will be any better than his old ones, but we shall see, shan't we?"
• "Funky stocks the following shooters, all of which can hopefully be upgraded, if you can get that far into the game without falling asleep."
• "Golden Bananas are the most precious item in the game, apart from me, of course. You'll need plenty of these to progress through the levels. If you find more than ten, I'll be surprised."
• "Special? Hah! I'd sure like to know what makes these items any better than the others; they look just as useless to me. Probably because they're slightly larger and a little shinier, I suppose."
• "Also found in the level lobbies, the information concealed behind these Wrinkly doors should be used as a last resort only. (Or as a first resort if you are a really poor player.)"
• "Let me know if you find a bananaport that can take me out of this sorry game, and I'll be there in a flash."
• "Jump in these to be transformed into an animal buddy. I just hope they've included poor old Winky and Expresso this time instead of that bone-brained rhino that always seems to get in the games."
• "I've never seen so much worthless rubbish! I'm surprised they don't give you a special 'trash barrel' to haul it all around in!"
• "Visit me first and give me all your coins! I'm far more useful than these other sad-looking bums!"
• "Can't a tired old ape take a nap around here?? A bunch of shifty-eyed musical miscreants just kicked our volcano into overdrive and took over Donkey Kong Island! Enough with the noise, already!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "These rhythmic rabble-rousers are up to no good. They've been putting some kind of musical mojo on all our animal buddies and toting off every banana in sight. And get this: they've even gone after Donkey Kong's secret hoard! Nothing burns that boy's biscuits like someone messing with his precious bananas!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Just what do they want with all those stolen bananas? Back in my day, I'd take care of this mysterious predicament without breaking a sweat, but Donkey Kong and his little pal Diddy Kong are all worked up and ready for action. If anybody can run, jump, cling, and swing to the bottom of all this banana burglary, it's those two!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Here's a tip from my days as a beloved hero: Try rolling off a ledge and jumping in midair. That'll get your blood movin'!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Rocket what? In my day, we had to walk uphill both ways to get around the island!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "I heard through the apevine that something nifty happens if you find all the K-O-N-G Letters and Puzzle Pieces. Get a move on!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Super Kong? Bah, fiddlesticks! I could do a better job with my eyes tied behind my back! Now, where'd my cane get off to?" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Always explore each level thoroughly to find all the secrets. Those pesky Tikis haven't found everything hidden on this island." (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "if^[sic] you get lost, try going right...or was it left? Maybe up? Sorry--senior moment." (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Some enemies are too tough to beat with a simple jump. Try different moves when you encounter a new enemy. Like ground pound. Or better yet, buy stuff from my shop!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "Leave no banana behind. if^[sic] you collect enough of them, you'll get an extra balloon. I'm not sure how many bananas you need, because i'm^[sic] so tough that i^[sic] only need one balloon!" (Donkey Kong Country Returns)
• "That Donkey Kong may be strong, but he's not the only monkey in the barrel. He'll need Diddy Kong's help to get to those hard-to-reach places." (Donkey Kong Country Returns)

Non-game appearances

Donkey Kong Country (novel)

• "What in the name of monkey business is going on here? Holy monkey madness, will you just look at that! Looks like the Kremlings made off with all our bananas!"

• "I'm with the youngster! Let's give those Krem-bums a good old-fashioned monkey-barrel full of trouble!"

Donkey Kong Country: Rumble in the Jungle

• "I hate flying! Why, if apes were meant to fly, they'd have wings. Yes, sir, I like it right here on the ground. And if you had any sense, you'd stay put with your feet firmly planted on the jungle floor!"
• "Just a vine-swinging minute! Do you really think I'm going to let you go on another adventure alone?"
• "I was navigating these jungles when you were knee-high to a baby baboon. I'll lead."
• "I haven't been [in Big Ape City] since I saw your age, Donkey. Even then it was decaying and dangerous. Still, it brings back memories. I remember battling a short plumber named Mario..."
• "Why, back in my day we wouldn't be sneaking around, hiding in the back of carts. We'd battle the guys right out in the open. But you young apes wouldn't know a real adventure if it jumped up and bit you on the nose!"
• I was stomping on the likes of you when you were knee-high to a salamander!"

Television shows

• "DONKEY KONG!!!"
• "What am I doing in this contraption? I've got an air-head airline pilot and a couple of knuckleheads guarding the Crystal Coconut."
• "Cranky: He thought we're talking about him and not the X-Ray machine and now he's trying to weasel his way into the history book by killing all of us with his good deeds. Fat chance.
  Diddy: How do we make him stop?
  Cranky: With the cherry soda! Right there on the shelf next to the Super-Sonic Vitapunch pack.
  Donkey: Cherry soda?
  Cranky: He thinks he has a fatal disease?
  Donkey: Yeah.
  Cranky: All we have to do is convince him that this cherry soda is some new miracle drug that will cure him.
  Diddy: Cherry soda's a miracle drug?
  Cranky: Of course not! But he'll think so and stop trying to destroy Congo Bongo by being a hero. Besides, I've been trying to unload that stuff for ages." (From Zero to Hero)
• "I'll smackify the both of ya unless you knock off the Science-Fictional nonsense."
• "K. Rool: It isn't over until it's over!
  Cranky: At least this conversation's over."
• "Cranky: "'Who built the ancient and mysterious temple of Inka-Dinka Doo?' Now why do you knuckleheads suppose it's called mysterious?
  Donkey: We don't know?
  Cranky: Exactly! It's a mystery! No one knows who built it! The end!" (Raiders of the Lost Banana)
• "Bluster: The Barrel Copter! Mommy'll be livid!
  Cranky: Tell her to take a number. I was livid first."
• "Cranky: The tickle tonic's starting to freeze!
  Funky: Then let's tickle-sickle him!
  Cranky: I think you may want to stick a thermometer in your ear. I think the same thing is happening to your head." (Cranky's Tickle Tonic)
• "Cranky: Business? You've got no business to go into business! You'll lose your shirt!
  Donkey: That's OK. I don't wear a shirt.
  Cranky: Then you'll lose your tie." (The Big Chill Out)
• "What am I doing here? I could ask you what you're doing here, all of you! But I know - wrecking my vacation, that's what! First bees, then ants, now you and those overstuffed alligators are the icing on the cake!" (Buried Treasure)
• "Ah, the rare flora-dora orchid. And today's the one day a year that you bloom for five seconds, when the sun is in exactly... that position. Say cheese! That's it, work with me. I only have five seconds. See you next year, my pretty! Hey, how come you're still here? Wait a minute, the sun should've shifted. Great jumpin' bananas! The sun's not moving! That can't be good..."
• "It sounds crazy, but so is everything else that's happened today!"
• "Cranky: You'll know all the secrets when Inka Dinka Doo thinks you're ready! Until then, I got a little tip for you, DK.
  Donkey: Yea? What's that?
  Cranky: GO HOME AND LET ME GET SOME SLEEP!" (Legend of the Crystal Coconut)