The 'Shroom:Issue 208/Paper 'Shroom: Choose-Your-Own-Adventure/Rogueport
Paper 'Shroom: Rogueport
Welcome to Rogueport!
You enter Rogueport Plaza after getting away from the docks following a lengthy boat ride. A dirty, grimy area; often times beset by the hustle and bustle of your everyday folks traveling throughout the city. A gallows displays in the middle of the square, where your boss Shoey stands. Your eyes are drawn to the noose as you wonder to yourself, "Is it still used these days to punish criminals?".
Nah, it's only there to intimidate tourists! Or so you hope...
Still, you'd better not do anything that might make you the next victim of the hangman. Behind the unnerving rope, you spot two buildings: an Item Shop and a bar labeled "Podley's Place". You also notice a distinct road that heads in the east and west directions, along with a shady alley not too far off in front of you.
Turn around and head back to the Harbor. Talk to Shoey. Head into the Item Shop. Check out Podley's Place. Turn left to head west. Walk eastward along the road. Pace forward toward the alley.
Item Shop
You head towards the Item Shop, thinking it's a good idea to buy some provisions. You attempt to open the door, only to find it locked. On the window, you see a note.
Gone Fishing. Be back later.
With the Item shop closed, you decide to head back to the plaza.
Harbor
You enter a busy harbor with various ships docked at port. The aroma contains the salt of the sea, and many sailors hastily go about their business. Merchant ships unload their cargo, fishing vessels set their lines, and in the back of the marina you spot a suspicious boat loading what appears to be homemade pies! Throughout all of the activity, you see the Fun Stuff Director, Roserade, talking to a Bob-omb wearing an eye patch. There's also a dingy sailboat where a fuzzy man keeps yelling "Looking to hire sailors!". Way off in the distance, a large rat creature stands by a wall holding a sign that just reads "Business".
Talk to Roserade. Approach the dingy sailboat. Go toward the large rat. Turn back to Rogueport Square.
Roserade
You remember hearing something about Roserade planning to leave for a classic pirate treasure hunting adventure. How exciting! You decide that you'd like to tag along too! You ask them if there's any space for a young gun on this expedition.
"Oh, this is so exciting! I've never been on a voyage like this before, you know? But I made sure to grab everything I'd need: an eyepatch, a pegleg, a bandana I tore up with scissors in my kitchen… I'm all set to become a bona fide pirate! No more playing pirate in mafia games or something – this is the real deal!
Now we just need the Captain to show up… I'm sure it'll be soon! Right?"
Pa-Patch rolls his eyes before telling the naive plant, "Ay I'm sure the captain will be around 'ere as soon as he's done tying one off at Podley's place"
"Awesome! Hey, maybe you" Rose says, gesturing towards you, "can go check in at Podley's Place and see if the captain is ready to depart? We sent Pitohui awhile ago, but he must not have had luck getting the captain to come along, since he's not back yet."
Maybe you could help Rose out?
Dingy Sailboat
You decide that if you're going to write an epic Shroom saga about exploring the high seas, then the easiest way to do so would be to get hired onto a ship. You want to inquire with this fuzzy-looking sailor regarding potential jobs on the ship. However, before you even open your mouth, he cheerfully greets you.
"Ahoy matey, I be Fuzzipede, First Mate of the S.S. Fishmael. Do 'ye be calling about the sailor jobs?"
Affirm that you want to know more about the jobs. Politely decline.
Dingy Sailboat: Decline Information
Looking at this sailboat, you see that it's small and dirty. It barely looks big enough to hold 5 people. You decide that you don't really want to be a sailor on a sailboat in this sorry-state. You respectfully inform Fuzzipede that you are not interested in a sailing job and return to the front of the harbor.
Dingy Sailboat: Job Inquiry
With a large smile on his face, Fuzzipede responds.
"Of course boy-o, I could see it in your eyes matey. Ye' aren't made like these land-lubbers. Ye're to stand on the decks as a ship sails through the ocean. Ye want to travel wave by wave each day; each day a new challenge full of adventure! Sailing from port to port collecting new treasures! That's what you want right aye?"
Dingy Sailboat: Nay!
Maybe he's right and you're tired of living on land. Going through the monotony of each day, trying to find the next hot scoop. But what does it matter? You've been writing for 3 years now, and it's not like you've ever won Section of the Month. Hell, you haven't even made the leaderboard! That's right, screw The 'Shroom! It's time to make a dramatic change! You're gonna do it, you're gonna join this crew. Your new life starts today and- wait a minute... Your brief moment of excitement fades as you realize how stupid this idea is! You don't know anything about sailing! This sailboat looks to be in poor condition anyway. Throwing everything away in a moment of self doubt to do something crazy like join this crew is absolutely bonkers. Is this even legal? You slowly back away from First Mate Fuzzipede and return to the main area of the harbor.
Dingy Sailboat: Yargh!
You hear Fuzzipede's offer and you realize that it sounds exactly like what you want! No more being stuck up in New Wikisburg! No more commuting to 'Shroom HQ with early morning traffic! No more deadlines, or 'Shroom directors breathing down your neck! You'd be free! Free to travel the open seas! So many adventures await as you and your new crewmates would travel from port to port! Who knows what'll happen, but it 'must' be better than what you deal with currently. You tell First Mate Fuzzipede that you'll join the crew of the S.S. Fishmal.
Upon hearing this, his fuzzy little eyes light up, beaming. "GREAT! Just sign here please. It's a formality for... certain legal reasons... Gotta protect me-self from any liabiliy lawsuits."
Blindly sign the contract without reading it. Read the contract.
Dingy Sailboat: Terms and Conditions
You remember your great-great-grandpappy's important wisdom: never blindly sign a contract! Especially one from a sailor you just met! You carefully read the ink that's printed upon the paper you hold, page after page.
Hey wait a minute, this isn't an adventure boat! This is a fishing vessel! Not only that, but this is iron-clad; set for a year long voyage! Worst of all, you wouldn't even get paid! It just says you'll get exposure, and look good on a resume. What a sleaze! You angrily crumple up the contract into a ball and throw it at Fuzzipede before storming off back to the harbor.
Dingy Sailboat: Sign Away!
You're thinking of the many adventures you'll have, and your freedom on the high seas. This is no time for doubts! You hastily sign your name on the contract, not caring for the contents of it as you walk aboard the S.S. Fishmael. You're informed that the boat will be taking off at any moment. How exciting!
...
After what feels like an eternity, you start to feel movement as the boat takes off from the docks. Finally, a new life away from The 'Shroom! You look all around your surroundings, both in and around the ship. Although, something seems... off. Not five minutes go by when you realize... This is a fishing boat! There's no high seas adventuring with that! Where's the swashbuckling freedom? You frantically search for First Mate Fuzzipede for answers.
"Sorry matey, ye signed the signed the contract. I don't have te tell ye anything. You're stuck here for three-hundred and sixty-five days fishing day-in and day-out, as my unpaid intern!"
You could have been happily writing articles for The 'Shroom, but now you're stuck doing intense manual fishing labor on this boat for a year. Hey, at least you'll maybe get college credits for this internship? What do you mean you're not in college? Well look on the bright side; at least it'll look great on your resume!
Business
Curiously, you approach the large "Business" sign, and the rat eagerly comes up to shake your hand before speaking.
"Hello young man, you look like a man of business, a man of action, a man who knows exactly what he wants! Would I be correct in assuming so?"
Business: Let's Chat
You're flattered by his compliments! You tell him that you are indeed, a man of action. With this, the rodent smiles.
"See, I knew there was something about you that I liked. The name's Lumpy kid; I'm a Ratooey businessman. I've got a business deal that could change your life, and I want to let you in because I like the cut of your jib. So, ya wanna hear the pitch?"
Sure, I want to listen to what you have to offer! No thanks, seems off.
Business: Mind Your Own!
You can't really put your finger on it, but for some reason you don't trust this big green Ratooey, or his crudely-drawn sign that business sign. As far as buttering you up? He's definitely up to something suspicious... You decide that it's probably best not to get mixed up with this guy, and you awkwardly walk away. He pleads for you to come back as you head towards the harbor.
Business: Pitch Away!
Lumpy jumps up and down in excitement.
"I knew you were a man of action. Now, I'm going to let you in on the investment opportunity of a lifetime! You see these papers I have in my hands? They are leases to regions in the Dry Dry Dessert. Not just any old desert either, for this land is full of oil! That's right, oil! Black gold, Texas Tea. This oil is worth thousands, upon thousands of coins! I know what you're thinking, how is this an opportunity for me? Well, there's just one little snag. Ya see, we gotta dig the oil out of the ground, and I spent all my money procuring the leases... That's where you come in! For the low, low, investment of only 300 coins, you'll singlehandedly be funding my startup! Rest assured, your coins will be used effectively to rent out equipment, hire out employees, the works. You know, boring business terms. We don't have to get into it right this minute. On top of all that, you'll hold a 30% stake in the company! That's right kid, for just 300 coins you could end up rich beyond your wildest dreams! So what do you say kid, are you ready to make the investment of a life time?"
What an opportunity! Blindly hand over your coins. Negotiate the terms. Decline the offer.
Business: Ad Nauseam
"Phfffft!" you think to yourself. What kind of businessman is giving out worthwhile investments on the docks of Rogueport? No way this is real. You're not going to fall for what is obviously some kind of scam. You decline Lumpy's offer and start walking away to the harbor.
Business: Bank Rec-Oil
Hearing his pitch, your eyes were seeing only one thing: dollar signs! For only 300 coins, you could quit your job at The 'Shroom! You wouldn't need to work like a normal person. It'll cost all of the money you brought for yourself, and the travel budget The 'Shroom provided to you, but who cares! You'll be rich! You'll have enough money to pay back The 'Shroom. Heck, maybe enough money to *buy* The 'Shroom. 300 is only a fraction compared to the thousands you'll make from closing this deal.
Without a second thought, you happily hand over the money to Lumpy, who thanks you ecstatically. He tells you that he'll be in touch to iron-out a few details before slinking off. Thrilled about your new investment, you rush over to Roserade, who is still talking to the eye-patch wearing Bob-omb, Pa-Patch. You have such good news to share!
Roserade's smile fades as they put their petals in their head. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID TO FALL FOR SUCH AN OBVIOUS SCAM"?
Suddenly, it dawns on you that you probably shouldn't have trusted a giant Ratooey. Even more so one whose only credentials are some papers and a "Business" sign with handwriting you could barely read. You search for hours, trying to find him and try to get your money back, but you never do.
Roserade's anger transfers into a stern disappointment. They reluctantly agree to lend you just enough money to stay at the local inn, even accounting for the deal that includes free meals. However, you are forbidden from leaving the inn until it's time to leave Rogueport in a week. Not that you could go anywhere anyway, since you threw away all of your money. You could make up for it by writing a few extra 'Shroom articles!
Business: Strike A Deal
Hmm... This is a tough one. You think to yourself about the possibilities. On one hand, if this is legit you could become rich beyond your wildest dreams! On the other hand, if you hand him your money, what's to stop him from taking it without giving it back? Or worse, he gets your money, hits oil, and gets rich without properly giving your fair share?
You decide to make a proposition to Lumpy, and offer to invest the money on the condition that you accompany him to Dry Dry Desert, as a full partner! That'll be a good way to keep an eye on him and make sure he's legit.
Reluctantly, Lumpy agrees and the two of you board a ship to begin your journey to Dry Dry Desert on main land. A whole year passes... by now you've forgotten all about The 'Shroom. Each day it's been a lot of hard work wildcatting throughout the desert. Most of the plots Lumpy owned were complete busts; not a single drop of oil in them. Others had some oil, but such a minute amount that you were barely breaking even.
Finally, after a year of grueling work, filled with blood, sweat and tears. Lumpy's Lot #23 hits. Not only does it hit, but it's a gusher! You and Lumpy have struck oil! Not just any amount of oil, but more oil than you'd ever thought possible. You're rich, rich, rich! Your new life of luxury can finally begin! No longer are you just a hopeful businessman trying to make it big. You're an oil baron in a totally new world! It's a cutthroat world of liars and schemers in the oil industry, so even though you've made it big, you'll need to stay vigilant as you stay involved with this high-pressure task in this Dry Dry Desert.
Business: Refusal
You scoff loudly. You can smell a flim-flam confidence man from a mile away, and refuse to be fooled by such a sham! If these leases were so damn valuable why is he not at a bank? Why is he trying to draw investments from random citizens on the street? You roll your eyes and shake your head before walking away from this rat-artist; satisfied with your ability to detect a fraud.
Podley's Place
You push open the bar’s swinging door, coughing as your eyes take a second to adjust to the dimly-lit, smoky interior. When vision returns, you take a look around. Like you expected, there’s some rough customers here. A Little Mouser whispers conspiratorially to a surly Bob-omb in the corner booth by the stairs leading to the inn’s upper levels while a Goomba argues loudly with a Bandit by the bar, threatening him with a knife. Impressive, considering the... arms situation there.
Still… maybe coming in here was a mistake. Definitely not your usual scene. Maybe you should leave?
Greetings Traveler…
Well, no risk, no reward. Just have to keep yourself, and not cause any problems.
You walk by the argumentative duo, overhearing back-and-forth accusations of cheating at… something, before pulling out a grimy barrel-turned-chair at the bar and taking a seat. While waiting for the bartender, you take another look around, now deeper into the tavern. Against the far wall, you see a crowd, all gathered around an individual who seems to be gesturing wildly, recounting some sort of story.
A couple tables away, you notice someone even more out-of-place than you are. A foppish man in colorful (and expensive…) clothing, singing to himself as he polishes a shining, red jewel. Between verses of his song, he glances around the room as though he’s waiting for something before returning to his bombastic melody. Not far from him, you see another out-of-place patron, recognizing Pitohui reading a book at another table, sneaking a glance at the foppish man now and again.
You turn around, noticing the bartender looking at you expectantly. Unlike what his rowdy clientele would have you assume, the barkeep is an old, kindly-looking Beanish man - though the stern eyes behind his glasses indicate that he’d be more than capable of handling anyone who got too far out of line.
“Well,” he asks, polishing a glass. “What’ll it be?”
Order a drink. "What's with the foppish man?" Ask about the crowd. Exit the Bar
Give Me a Round!
You squint at the drink menu and decide to order a Chuckola Cola, the barkeep nodding and setting a glass underneath the tap as a steady stream of rich, dark cola pours into your cup. The bartender hands you the glass with a smile, and you take a large swig. The intoxicating sweetness hits you like a brick, but it feels good as the fizzy liquid courses down your throat. You slam your cup down onto the wooden counting, exhaling with satisfaction. The bartender eyes your empty cup, surprised at the speed with which you just downed it.
Order another drink. "What's with the foppish man?" Ask about the crowd. Exit the Bar
Another!
You call for another drink, lifting your glass into the air. The bartender shrugs, plucking it from your hand and fetching you a refill. Like the glass before, you greedily gulp down the fizzy beverage. As the argument a few chairs down escalates to the point of the Bandit chasing the Goomba right out the door with a broken bottle raised above his head, you barely even take note. Your head feels lighter, and a smile crosses your face as you begin to happily sway back and forth atop your chair.
You slam your glass back on the countertop. The bartender looks from your empty glass to your current… state of being. He raises an eyebrow.
Order another drink. "What's with the foppish man?" Ask about the crowd. Exit the Bar
Hung-over
You thrust your glass into the air clumsily, calling for yet another drink. The bartender shakes his head, taking your glass and refilling it once more. He slides it across the counter towards you, and you raise it to your lips once more, closing your eyes as you take yet another gulp. Warmth spreads through your limbs, and you begin to sway once more. The next thing you know… you find yourself ordering another drink, and another after that.
The rest of the night… is shrouded in a thick, murky haze - as dark and unsteady as the cola itself. You remember… the hours passing by, the patrons coming and going. The Bandit from earlier came back… you might’ve played cards? You don’t know if you won or lost, but you do remember… more drinks.
There was a fight, at some point. Some guy yelling on the opposite end of the bar. Turned into an outright brawl. You might’ve taken a hit. Maybe not. Your head sure hurts though…
You sit upright, feeling a hand on your shoulder. Your mouth is dry as a bone, and a pain behind your left eye is pulsing intensely. You shake your head and look around, finding the place empty besides the bartender himself, standing over you. Looks like you wound up taking a… nap on the floor.
“It’s closin’ time”, he says, ushering you towards the exit. “Got no vacancy at the inn, and we can’t have you stayin’ here. Go find yerself a place to sober up, why don’t you?”
You nod, leaving into the chilly seaside night. Unable to find a place to say, you hunker down in the alley until dawn. Despite your best efforts… you never manage to locate your fellow ‘Shroom team members again. Despite return visits to the bar, you never see the foppish man or the storyteller who drew the large crowd ever again either. You spend the rest of your days on the streets of Rogueport, your only comfort being another nightly round of Chuckola Colas at Podley’s Place.
Fancy Lad
You decline a drink from the bartender, instead pointing towards the fancily-dressed man at the table across the way, still singing his strange tune. The bartender squints through the gloom in the direction of your outstretched arm, then returns his gaze to you.
“Dunno much ‘bout that one. Rolled in from outta town. Lookin’ fer a crew or somethin', in search of ol’ Keelhaul Key.” The bartender shakes his head sadly, “Not the first I’ve seen goin’ after the treasure. Won’t be the last. Poor souls, all of ‘em.” He pauses for a moment, thinking. "You aren't the first to come in here askin' 'bout him today. Must be some rumors goin' around."
…Treasure, huh? Now THAT would certainly be the scoop of the century.
Go sit with the foppish man. Ask about the crowd. Order a drink.
Bunch'a Regulars
You ask about the crowd gathered around the boisterous man against the far wall. The bartender shrugs, scratching his head in slight confusion.
“That fella’s in here every so often. Big storyteller, that guy. Don’t have a problem with him, pays his tab and doesn’t cause trouble. Keeps the patrons entertained too and doesn’t charge a dime.” He polishes his glass slowly, watching the crowd gasp in awe at something the man says. “Some people swear he knows things others don’t, that he’s sittin’ on lots of urban legends and secrets and junk.”
Storyteller, huh? Urban legends and secrets… Well, you ARE a journalist after all. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to go hear what this guy has to say?
Join the crowd around the storyteller. Ask about the foppish man. Order a drink.
Crowdpleaser
Wanting to see what all the fuss is about, you decide to join the crowd. As you do, you see a burly-looking Toad yell out "COME ON, WONKY, GIVE US A STORY!" The egg-shaped man laughs nervously and quickly finishes his drink. "You want a story, eh? Alright, I got a story for ya," he says.
Stay and listen to the story. Ehhh, stories aren't for you. Better head back to the bartender.
Back To The Bar
You head back to the old barkeep, who seems unbothered by your sudden change of plans.
“Well,” he asks, just as before, polishing a glass. “What’ll it be?”
Order a drink. "What's with the foppish man?" Ask about the crowd. Exit the bar.
A Wonky Tale
"Alright boys, simmer down, simmer down! Now this story is about one of the greatest fighters in the history of the Glitz Pit. That's right, I'm talking about Grubba! Now, Glitz Pit has seen many champions, but none have been bigger than Grubba! But what a lot of people don't remember was it wasn't always like that. When Grubba first started out, he was a real low-card fighter. That's right, a real Ham and Egger. Lost more than he won, barely eking by on loser's purses. He even got told at one point that he was pretty close to being removed from the league! Then he disappeared for a while, claiming to be undertaking special training, and, when he came back, everything changed! Nowadays, Grubba can't be beat! He's dominating everybody and crushing everything in his path! Almost overnight, Grubba went from a low-card washout to the biggest star in the Glitz Pit. He was so big that, for ten years, every time Grubba fought, he sold out the Glitzville arena."
"And for those ten years, Grubba was undefeated except for one match. Facing off against a relative newcomer by the name of Zeus Guy, the fight looked like it would be the same as all the rest. I mean, Grubba is beating on him and beating on him. Desperate, Zeus Guy tries to get some distance and he triple backflips away. But Grubba is on him right away, and, as fast as lightning, he's right there as soon as Zeus Guy stops flipping. Now Zeus Guy panics and he lets out a meow, which, boys, I tell you it startled Grubba so much that he ended up slipping out of the ring! That's right boys! Grubba's only loss for ten years came from a meow!"
Keep listening. Well, that was fun, but it's time to head back to the bartender.
A Wonkier Tale
"Another story, Wonky!" A Buzzy Beetle with a peg leg shouts for more.
"Another story, boys? Alright, I got another one. Now this is the story of the greatest pirate king who ever lived! Now, a lot of people on the mainland think our little humble town is nothing more than a den of pirates and thieves, and that might be true, but let me tell you something, none of you lot would be fit to lick the boot of the pirate king Cortez! A mean crew with an even meaner captain, Cortez's crew didn't limit themselves to just the shores surrounding Rogueport. No, he led them to plunder all around the world. From sacking Jewelry Land to battling the Pirate Guy captains of Yoshi Island, by the time he was all said and done, Cortez had amassed a treasure hoard with more silver, gold, and jewels than any pirate had ever seen. But among the treasures, one stood out! Among his treasures, a beautiful star made of the purest crystal you'll ever find shone!"
"'Course, one day Cortez disappeared, which while welcome news to the many sailors and merchants of the world, has been a sore spot for all the world's treasure hunters. For centuries, sailors have looked for where Cortez stashed his treasure, thinking that if they can just find it they'll become richer than the King of Jewelry Land! But I say those people are fools! They think now that Cortez is gone that the treasure is theirs for the taking. But I say those people are mistaken. Cortez isn't gone, boys! No spirit that greedy could ever move on. No, I reckon wherever his treasure is, Cortez is there keeping a watchful eye on it, making sure nobody manages to snatch what's rightfully his!"
Keep listening. Treasure is exciting, but it's time to head back to the bartender.
An Even Wonkier Tale
"Come on! Give us another, Wonky," shouts out a suit-wearing Candy Pop.
"Alright, boys! Calm down! Ol' Wonky has another one for ya. Now, we've all had our run-ins with the X-Nauts, eh boys? Those little funny guys are always running around, talking about world domination and the like. A harmless nuisance, right? Well, from what I hear, they say they aren't so harmless. I've heard 'em claim they have their own base hidden so far away that nobody could ever find it! Yes, that's right! It's true! And in that base is technology the likes the world has never seen! Now, why they'd be slumming it here in Rogueport if they have this world-shattering technology, I don't know, but they insist they've got revolutionary technology stashed away deep within their base."
"Now among this tech is a super advanced AI computer. It can operate the whole base, they say! Even has its own personality and the ability to learn, I hear. Now, unfortunately for them, I hear they made it just a little too life-like. Seems this old supercomputer is a little lonely, boys! So lonely that it keeps falling in love with the X-Nauts, and, each time it does so, it goes into lockdown so its new friend can't leave it. Because of this, the X-Nauts try to keep it in as much Isolation as possible, which, as you can imagine, is just making the problem worse. Now it seems to me that they could fix this issue by just giving it a little kindness, but, hey, what do I know? I didn't create a base full of technological wonders the world has never seen!"
Stick around for another tale. You've been here awhile now… Time to go back?
These Tales Keep Getting Wonkier
"How about another?" A bandana-wearing Bob-omb calls out, hopping to see over the rest of the crowd.
"Alright, boys, alright boys, now settle down. Ol' Wonky isn't looking to get kicked out. Now this is a story about the greatest detective who has ever lived. I'm talking about the great and legendary Shroomlock and his first ever case. The place? Pirate Land. One day, the Koopa Bank was mysteriously robbed in the dark of night. There were seemingly no suspects and no signs were left at the scene of the crime. Well, Ol' Wonky tells you true, all they knew was that the money was missing. From all over the country, detectives came to attempt to solve this crime, all to no avail until one day a strange looking Toad wandered into town. Considered by many of the "professional" detectives to be lazy and absent-minded, this new detective shocked everybody by quickly finding the perpetrators and recovering the stolen money."
"How did he do it, you ask? Well, unlike the other detectives who only asked potential witnesses in the immediate vicinity of the crime, Shroomlock talked to everybody, which was how he managed to learn about a witness in a creek who saw a few suspicious Sushis meeting on the night of the robbery. From there, Shroomlock easily managed to deduce who had committed the crime and where the stolen money was hidden, all because he talked with those who didn't seem to have anything to do with the case."
Okay, one more... You really should get back to the bartender...
The Wonkiest Tale
"Keep the stories coming Wonky," yells out a Goomba downing Chuckola Cola.
"Alright, boys! For this story, I'm gonna have to take you back waaaaay back, all the way back to the era of the Four Heroes! Now, at this point, boys, it's the era of the Shadow Queen and her evil spread all throughout the land. For many years, her evil was law and things looked hopeless. But, finally, one day, the Four Heroes formed. They were a Toad from the outskirts of the Petal Meadows; a female Goomba of great wisdom from Boggly Woods; a scar covered, world-traveling male Koopa; and a female Boo who was cold as ice but brave of heart. While their names may be lost to time, their heroics aren't! Now, they'd been fighting the Shadow Queen's armies for years at this point, but they'd finally discovered how to seal the Queen away. Fighting their way into the Queen's own palace, they found themselves beset by an army of evil spirits possessing the bodies of the fallen. Try as they might, the Four Heroes couldn't fight their way through the army of the undead. Each time they destroyed one spirit's body, it just got right back up. It seemed like they could only slow down the army."
"Things looked hopeless until, finally, in a last-ditch move, the wise Goomba used a Fire Flower against a fallen skeleton. Fallen, boys, you heard ol' Wonky. I might guess those skeletons would be able to shield themselves from the Fire Flower if they were still standing, but that's why they called that Goomba a wise one. Now, normally, a Fire Flower would be worthless against a Dry Bones. After all, we all know bones don't burn! But these spirits were different! These weren't just Dry Bones. These were Dark Bones, bodies possessed by the ancient spirits of evil. The fire purified the bones, burning the evil away. Thanks to the quick thinking of the Goomba, the Four Heroes were able to purify the army of the undead and eventually were able to seal away the Shadow Queen, ending her tyranny."
"Now that's gonna be the last new story for the night, boys, but Ol' Wonky is happy to repeat the ones you've already heard."
What a Chatterbox
"Three times Red 'Stache lands on his end! / Blue 'Stache's belly four times is whac-" As you approach the foppish man, he ceases his singing, eyeing you warily. "What is it that brings you to the table of Flavio, richest trader in Rogueport? Speak quickly! I cannot tarry all day waiting for you."
Richest trader in all of Rogueport, eh, you think to yourself. If this guy's so rich a trader, he must have some fine ships. Hey, Pitohui keeps looking at this guy, come to think of it… Weren't he and Rose looking to cross the sea? Maybe they're waiting on this guy!
Ask Flavio if he should be shoving off on a ship about now. Play it safe, excuse yourself, and head back to the bartender.
Getting In Ship-Shape
Figuring that the worst that can happen is that this Flavio guy tells you to get away from him, you cut right to the chase. You tell him that you're with The 'Shroom, here investigating Rogueport's legends in search of treasure with some colleagues waiting for a ship to depart from the harbor, and you ask him if he should be… y'know, on the ship.
"What? Do Flavio's ears deceive him?" An awkward moment of silence ensues after Flavio utters his question, a little taken back by your audacity. "Do not stand in silence," he chides you. "Repeat your request! I must know that I heard you correctly!"
A little embarrassed at this point, you nevertheless comply, explaining yourself again and asking if he should be somewhere else.
"You approach Flavio with rags on your back. It is clear you are no trader or experienced seeker of treasure. Your aroma is not pleasing… but it is not exactly the repulsive odor of this town's harbor. You cannot be an experienced navigator upon the waters… Yet you are so eager to set sail…" You shrink back, about ready to walk away instead of listening to this rich guy insult you, but then…
"Flavio, generous man he is, will expedite your expedition," he suddenly declares! "I do seem to recall having made arrangements to meet at the harbor today. Your boldness has inspired me to set off without delay! There are no reasons you should expect to succeed, but you persevere in making this request of Flavio. I have not felt emotion course through me so strongly in years! Yes, you may actually have a chance to find treasure with this perseverance... This will be a riveting tale to play a part in. Gather your colleagues and proceed to the harbor. There, I shall see to it a ship carries you off!"
As he speaks, you hear the thud of a book on a table, spotting Pitohui looking on in amazement. He waves to you in acknowledgement of your success, then rushes off, presumably heading to the harbor to meet with Rose and prepare for the expedition. Soon after, Flavio takes off, leaving just you to make preparations.
Ah, the capricious rich. He'll probably come back here and need convincing all over again if you leave, but, hey, he'll get over it.
Head to the harbor and join your colleagues in setting sail. Ehhh, let's not go yet. Let's go back to the bartender.
East Rogueport
You head down east and notice an immediate drop in the quality of the town. I mean Rogueport wasn't exactly the ritz, but this? This is one seedy place. You see graffiti sprayed everywhere. The houses are desolate and run down. What appears to have once been businesses are shuttered up. Unlike Rogueport plaza or the harbor, which had people all around them, the eastside is strangely deserted, and the few people that you can make out don't look very friendly. Looking at the buildings, you can only see two that look like they've been properly maintained. One says Merlon's Hall of Fortunes and another says Professor Frankly's Laboratory.
Continue further east. Check out the Hall of Fortunes. Enter the professor's lab. Jump into the sewers. Head back to the plaza.
Merlon's Hall of Fortunes
Deciding that you could use a fortune to tell you how this trip will go, you pop into Merlon's Hall of Fortunes! It turns out to be a weird building, filled with strange artifacts, but you approach the singular table with a crystal ball undeterred. The room fills with smoke, and out steps a wizard in dazzling robes.
"Me-Merlon?" You stammer out your question in shock.
The wizard scoffs. "Ohohoho! No, poor confused reporter, swinging to-and-fro on the branches of adventure... he's on vacation in Surfshine Harbor. You stand before Merlthazar The Oracle. My projection is just house-sitting. In return, Merlon will shout me lunch at the next oracle swap-meet. Oho!
For you... O arboreal reporter, yes... You will need one of my Horrorscopes to help you on your journey. Alas, the stars in this sky bare not the avatars of fate I usually divine with, and frankly, these ones are fogeys. Fortunately, there are other celestial objects one can make up- I mean, predict fortunes with."
Pondering his options for a moment, the oracle snaps his fingers, and suddenly...
You feel your spirit rocket into the stratosphere at a dizzying speed, before slowing down. Both of you are now floating in space, directly in front of the moon. In the distance, on the moon's surface, you can see a bright fortress... but your astral projection is not strong enough to reach it.
Merlthazar speaks again. "Ohohoho, it's always fun catching people off guard with that. When lost in a forest of branches, the moon illuminates even the darkest of thickets. Choose your favorite lunar phase, and I shall give you a reading to help you navigate the journey ahead..."
| 🌑 | New Moon Beginnings |
0% | Before the fool is able to continue his journey of mystery, he often waits long enough for the unseen to surprise him, and reveal the path forward. Much like the hidden nest of Fuzzies I failed to notice hanging above my porch door as I left, which convinced me the correct choice that day was to stay inside and call the exterminator. Take notice of such problems lurking in the shadows before they become difficult to handle, for edge-of-the-universe callouts are very expensive. |
| 🌒🌘 | Crescent Moon Potassium |
1%–49% | O confused looking reporter, do you not know what a Banana is, for they've mysteriously never appeared in Paper form once? In that case, this mystical, otherworldly fruit shall be your guide. Bananas typically grow and curve against gravity, exhibiting a deep contempt for the laws of physics that govern them. If you are feeling weighed down by the gravity of the universe, make like a banana, and curve towards the light, as you curse gravity, the forest floor, and also Donkey Kong's name. Surely, you know who that is. In what world do you have Fire Emblem but no Bananas. Oh my stars. |
| 🌓🌗 | Quarter Moon Sense |
50% | Financially troubled reporters are reminded that if you're ever strapped for money, the universe offers many infinite money tricks one can utilize to recover lost funds. For instance, I've heard you can buy Sleepy Sheep from a vendor in Rogueport, and then sell them in Petalburg to net a small profit. Oh how wonderful it is to exist in a dimension where such tricks are endorsed by the powers-that-be! It would be a struggle to exist in any other, ohoho! |
| 🌔🌔 | Gibbous Moon Perspective |
51%-99% | Once, I crossed paths with a Ratooey businessman who was trying to peddle hot sauce next to a hot dog vendor, and implied combining their products made the Hottest Dog, but alas, when I tried such, it produced a Mistake. Then, the universe was remade, and I found myself finally able to achieve culinary hotness. This oracle is left to assume in many situations where it was once a mistake to pour hot sauce on things, it is now acceptable, so go forth! Apply hot sauce to all of your woes!! |
| 🌕 | Full Moon Completion |
100% | Taking in the full brightness of the moon, we are reminded that infiltrating space stations is more difficult than it first appears, and is not an activity this oracle can endorse, for many reasons. But, should you find yourself in a position to do so, remember th- Oh! It appears I am not supposed to give hints at all. I've been informed by my celestial custodian that there are two others in this world—one who lies, and one who tells the truth. As such, I've been told to make these readings absolutely useless. Ohohoho! |
When you're ready to leave, the hand of fate shall take you back on your journey. Farewell!
Professor Frankly's Laboratory
You decide to check out this “Professor Frankly” guy, having little to no interest in the so-called fortune teller next door. You don’t believe in that kind of hocus-pocus, you’re a journalist - it’s hard-hitting facts or nothing. Approaching the door, you see that it’s slightly ajar, with some kind of odd scuffling noise coming from within.
Peering inside in an attempt to identify the scuffling noises with, you see that the house is rather poorly maintained, and stacked from corner to corner with all manner of bookshelves and strange artifacts. You also spy a figure crouched under a desk covered in notes, rummaging around for… something.
You clear your throat, and the figure gasps, wrenching upright and smacking his head against the underside of the desk. After a groan of pain, he climbs to his feet, adjusting his now-crumpled hat. The figure, not much taller than you are now that he’s standing up, seems to examine you with curiosity through the strange, beaked mask fixed to his face.
The masked figure holds up their hands apprehensively. “I don’t know who you are, but I don’t have any money, if that’s what you’re after!”, he states, shakily clutching a letter opener as he waves it in your direction.
I Can Explain
You shake your head, explaining that you’re with The ‘Shroom - and you were actually just looking to talk with this Professor Frankly character. The figure lowers his arms, breathing a sigh of relief.
“Oh. Uh… Sorry about that.” He places the letter opener back on the desk, before continuing, “Around here, you can never be sure who’s walking in that door. It’s a rough neighborhood, but considering the proximity to the dig site… Well, I understand the choice of residence…” He spaces out for a moment, then snaps back to reality, seeming to remember something.
“Right! Well, if it’s Frankly you’re looking for, I’m afraid he’s… indisposed at the moment. Hospitalized, to clarify. My name is Professor F.W. Despair - Though, you can call me “The Professor”, if it’s easier. I’ve been sent by Woohoo Hooniversity to continue his work on the Thousand-Year Door Excavation Project until he’s fit to return. I can try to answer any of your question, big fan of your publication.”
“Still…” The Professor continues, scratching his head. “Old Frankly was never the most organized of the department. It’s been an uphill battle, getting his notes in order. I can’t really speak on any… specifics.”
Ask about Frankly. Ask about the Professor. Ask about the Thousand-Year Door Excavation Project.
Quite Frankly, Not Around
“Ah, about that…” The Professor’s tone drops.”You see, down at the excavation site… he had a bad fall, right down an improperly-marked pit. He was down there for quite a while, couldn’t exactly climb out due to his… lack of…well, you know.”
He waves his arms for emphasis, the sleeves of his coat flowing about as he does so.
“The point is he’s in bad shape. We’re lucky that a would-be looter found him down there and called someone, otherwise they’d have sent in the coroner as well. Now, he’ll be back eventually, but if we left the project idle until then… well, we’d lose our funding.”
You nod. As a journalist, you understand the cruel stranglehold that the notion of funding has over the prospects of your career.
Ask about the Professor. Ask about the Thousand-Year Door Excavation Project Leave.
Professor F.W. Despair
“Me? I’ve been colleagues with Frankly for… a few years now. We first met when Woohoo Hooniversity and the University of Goom first collaborated on the Noki Bay archaeological survey- not an easy task, what with all the water and what-not. Not to mention the giant eel…” He shudders, before continuing, “Still, the prospect of ruins predating even those within Corona Mountain was irresistible!”
He casts his gaze downwards, shaking his head. “Of course… both of our departments are rapidly losing talent to New Donk U, so I didn’t have much of a choice when a replacement was needed…” The Professor gestures towards the stacks of notes on the desk, “Unfortunately, like I said - he’s a brilliant mind, but he’s terrible at making his notes comprehensible to a single other person.”
His hands grasp a thick stack as he lifts and shuffles the papers, eyeing them and mumbling to himself.
“Nothing but riddles, puzzles, vague diagrams… Crystal Stars…” He tosses the papers back on the desk, a cloud of dust billowing up as they land with a thud. “Anyway, that’s about that. I’ve been doing my best to inform myself about the project, if nothing else.”
Ask about Frankly. Ask about the Thousand-Year Door Excavation Project. Leave.
A Millenium Legend
“I’ve been waiting for you to ask!” The Professor perks up, rummaging through the bookshelves. Various textbooks, tomes, and folders fly over his shoulder, until he finds what he’s looking for: An aged book clad in red binding, stamped with a golden star upon the cover.
Quickly leafing through the pages, he turns the book over in his hands, showing you a page upon which is drawn the image of an ancient city, large and mighty. He clears his throat, before beginning…
“This… is the story of the Thousand-Year Door. A long time ago, right where we stand, a bustling town is said to have thrived. A prosperous town, where the people lived long, happy lives.”
He leans in closer, turning the page. The next drawing is… different. The same city, now ravaged by disaster.
“But one day… the town was struck by tragedy. A great cataclysm, like nothing seen before. The skies, shrouded by darkness - the earth, roaring with rage! Within a single night, it’s said… the city was destroyed. Consumed by the land itself, with not a trace remaining.”
He closes the book, placing it back upon the shelf. “Of course,” he continues, “As new settlers arrived to the land, the ‘wonderful town’ you know as Rogueport was founded, and the rest was history. Though, ever since… rumors have circulated. Rumors of a treasure deep beneath the town, sealed in the ruins of the ancient city - and that… is where the Thousand-Year Door Excavation Project comes in.”
“The Excavation Project,” He continues, “Aims to unearth those very ruins. Though, Frankly seems to have hit a bit of a roadblock. The titular Door itself. Near impenetrable, no sign of a lock… I could show you, if you want - provided you’re willing to give our project some exposure. Might help with the funding situation, if nothing else.”
Agree to report on the Thousand-Year Door. Decline to report on the Thousand-Year Door. Ask about Professor Frankly. Ask about the Professor. Leave.
How Rude…
The Professor stares at you, before giving a long sigh. "I see... How disappointing... Well I would greatly urge you to change your mind. Desparate times call for desparate measures... I would hate to see anything happen to you..."
You feel an unnerving aura fill the room and quickly rush out of the laboratory. You can try visiting again later, surely Professor F.W. Despair won't have any hard feelings so long as you help fund his research.
Working Intern
The mythical treasure beneath Rogueport... of course you’ve heard of that. To think, there’s work being done to unearth it - and your visit just happens to coincide. There’s no question. You’ll follow this weird guy. You’ve been looking for a niche in the paper, after all. Archeology and world history might just be your route in - especially if there’s an ancient treasure involved. These articles basically write themselves.
You agree to his terms, eliciting an enthusiastic response. The Professor waves you out the door, back into the filthy streets of Rogueport. Following outside, he points out a warp pipe across the road, though your face contorts into a grimace when you realize just where that pipe leads.
“Well,” he comments, “The Thousand-Year Door, and by extension the greater city ruins, are situated beneath the city… as are the sewer systems. It’s fine though, the ruined city extends past the door somewhat, pathways included. We won’t have to go wading through… you know.”
You approach the pipe, following his lead as he climbs inside. Here goes nothing.
Into the Underground
You swallow your pride and allow the pipe to carry you to destinations unknown. Emerging on the other side, you blink a few times to adjust to the dim lighting of the Rogueport Sewers. Once vision returns, you find yourself standing upon what resembles a city street, constructed from ivory stone.
To your right, stairs descend into the darkness. To your left… you see the Professor, standing by a large, caution-taped archway, examining something.
Sewer Detour
You decide to leave the Professor to whatever he’s looking at, checking out the stairs instead. You take a step down into the gloom, then another - until your foot catches on a brick. You tumble down the stairs, smacking into stone-hewn step after stone-hewn step, landing headfirst in… the sewer water.
You burst from the foul water, gasping for breath, but the current drags you away for what feels like hours, spitting you out into the ocean waves. Coughing and sputtering, clutching the nearest piece of debris for dear life, you’re carried far away - washing up on the shores of Delfino Plaza days later.
By the time you haul yourself over to the airport, the last flight to Rogueport for the week seems to have already left. With a sigh, you take a tourism brochure from the nearby kiosk, scanning the contents. Looks like you’re gonna be here a while. At least the Chuckster Festival’s tomorrow.
Inspecting the Archway
You join the Inspector at the archway, inquiring as to what exactly he’s looking at. He lifts a loose, seemingly torn ribbon of caution tape, examining it closely and shaking his head. “Hmm, seems like someone forced their way through. This wasn’t ripped this morning when I visited the site. Would-be treasure hunter, maybe.”
He shrugs, pocketing the tape. “Well, whoever they are, I doubt they got very far.” Carefully taking down the rest of the caution tape, he waves for you to follow, warning you to move slowly through the doorway due to unstable architecture. You creep through after him, noticing the topmost part of the archway is indeed heavily eroded and riddled with cracks. Ripe for collapsing upon anyone who isn’t careful.
When you reach the other side… you see something spectacular.
The Thousand-Year Door
You look around the cavernous vault you find yourself in. Unlike the previous room, this one is flooded with light - courtesy of several industrial halogen lamps set up alongside various excavation equipment., Regardless… your eyes are barely able to contain their wonder. Upon the northern wall rests a gigantic doorway, firmly sealed by means unknown and inlaid with a golden pattern. In the exact center of the room… a platform surrounded by four pillars, each carved with a myriad of intricate scenes.
On the opposite side of the room, up a staircase similar to the one on the other side of the archway you just passed through, sits yet another warp pipe, descending deep into the depths.
“This,” the Professor states, “is what we’ve come to call the ‘Door Chamber’ for… obvious reasons. Please, do take all the photos you want. No flash though. It won’t damage anything, but it looks awful.”
You nod, considering what to examine first…
Approach the Thousand-Year Door. Approach the platform and pillars. Approach the warp pipe. Head back to Rogueport.
Getting Closer
You approach what you presume is the Thousand-Year Door, a towering crimson doorway set into the stone wall of the vault’s northern side. Intricate, esoteric patterns twist and coil across the doorway, lending it an otherworldly feel. You look it up and down in disbelief that something like this could even exist.
The Professor joins you by the door. “I see you’ve taken an interest in the door itself,” he comments. “Nothing we’ve done has managed to open it, or even leave a dent in the more… explosive cases. I doubt it’ll open in a conventional manner, to be honest.”
Locked Door
You push on the Thousand-Year door, intent on opening it and exploring whatever lies below. Except it doesn’t open. Idiot. It’s locked. Sealed, even. What did you expect? You look real dumb right now, you know that?
The Pit
You approach the warp pipe on the other side of the room, climbing the ivory stairs. The last pipe led you down here, so clearly this one’s gotta lead somewhere good. You swing one leg over the pipe’s yawning entrance, then the next. Before you know it, you find yourself sliding into its depths…
Emerging on the other side, you find yourself falling downwards, landing square on your face with a thud. Rolling over and wrenching your body upwards, you take yet another moment for your vision to adjust… this time finding yourself in a much smaller room than before, the only defining features being a singular pipe in the center of the room, and a signpost situated next to it. No sign whatsoever of the pipe that dumped you here to begin with.
You approach the sign, your heart sinking as you read the aged, gouged-in text.
“THIS IS THE PIT OF 100 TRIALS! First Attack and Bump Attack badges don't work, so BEWAAAAAAAAAAARE!”
Rogueport Columns
You approach the platform and the four carved pillars surrounding it. Stepping onto the platform itself, you take a closer look at the pillars. Indeed like you thought, they appear to each be set with an array of carvings depicting an assortment of scenes and locales.
The Professor joins you, nodding as he flips through a folder. “You’ve taken an interest in these pillars, huh? From what I can tell… Frankly did too. In fact, if you’ll give me a second… Here!” He pulls out a diagram, if you could even call it that. Poorly drawn and marked with nearly incomprehensible handwriting, you take it from his hand and give it a once-over.
The diagram depicts four pillars, much like the ones in front of you, with an arrow indicating a clockwise movement starting from the pillar at the southeast corner of the platform. Scrawled underneath the diagram is one sentence, circled in thick black marker: THE CRYSTAL STARS SHOW THE WAY.
You ask what that means, and the Professor tilts his head. “Well, the Crystal Stars are historically linked to the Thousand-Year Door and the treasure that lies within. One of the few remaining artifacts of the ancient civilization, scattered across the land. They’re said to be the key to… something.” He leans over to inspect the page again, his expression largely indiscernible beneath his mask.
“I couldn’t tell you what Frankly meant by that, though. The pillars, they don’t have a keyhole or… slot for the star to fit in or anything. I could have missed something though, mind you. Feel free to take a closer look”
Stone Hieroglyphs
You decide to inspect the pillars more closely, looking at Frankly’s diagram and comparing it to the pillar to your southeast, where his arrow began on the page. It appears to contain three of those detailed carvings, but upon closer inspection… it looks like you might be able to press them inwards, like some sort of primitive switch.
You inspect the three images displayed upon the pillar specifically. If they’re buttons, and related to the Crystal Stars somehow… Then maybe…
The first carving seems to depict a castle in the hills of an idyllic landscape, the image tainted by a fearsome dragon wrapping itself around the castle’s highest tower.
The second carving depicts a snowy landscape, where a large cannon emerges from the middle of a town square. Bob-ombs crowd around the cannon in awe.
The third carving depicts a shining city in the sky, adorned with lights and depictions of mighty gladiators of all species and races. A beacon of glitz and glamor indeed.
Push in the Dragon and Castle carving. Push in the Sky City carving. Push in the Snowy Cannon carving.
Sky City Carving
You place your hands upon your chosen carving, grunting as you give it a shove, causing the carving to slide deep into the pillar with a rumble. The vaulted room shakes somewhat as a mechanism somewhere begins to shift, causing the Professor to glance around nervously.
You turn to the second pillar indicated in the diagram, also inlaid with similar carvings. Same thing as before, right? Nothing to worry about. You look over these as well, noticing different scenes this time…
The first carving seems to depict a mighty tree growing in a forest of similar trees, the trunk and branches teeming with strange, minuscule creatures.
The second caving depicts the moon, hanging high and round in the sky. It’s difficult to tell much else about this one, with no other details or celestial bodies.
The third carving depicts a near-bottomless pit, with a mighty dragon at the bottom. This one unnerves you somewhat, the depiction of the dragon’s rotting flesh being a bit too realistic.
Push in the Tree carving. Push in the Moon carving. Push in the Deep Pit carving.
Moon Carving
You push in the moon carving next, painstakingly shoving it into the pillar like the sky city before it. Like before, the room quakes again with the movements of strange machinery deep within the walls of the underground city.
You turn towards the third pillar. You’re starting to get the hang of this. What’s one more pillar with these two down already. You’ve got this, you understand how this works. Now to take a look at these too, and ideally replicate the success of your earlier attempts.
The first carving depicts a tropical island in the middle of the sea, a pirate ship docked within a hidden cavern - loaded with all manner of gold and jewels.
The second carving depicts an ancient city, buried deep below a ramshackle town built on the land above it. In the city’s center sits a titanic door.
The third carving depicts a steeple in the middle of dense woodland. The shadow of a fearsome, duplicitous specter looms overhead, casting a dark shadow.
Push in the Tropical Island carving. Push in the Ancient City carving. Push in the Creepy Steeple carving.
Tropical Island Carving
You push the tropical island carving inwards like the first two, sliding stone against stone as the carving retreats into the pillar. A telltale rumble shakes the room, though this time the Professor seems to have gotten used to it, simply holding onto his hat as the mechanisms quake.
You turn towards the final pillar. This is it, the final carving. Truth be told, you don’t actually know if any of this is doing anything meaningful, but it’s worth a shot. Looking over the carvings on the final pillar, you close your eyes and focus. Come on… the final Crystal Star… where could it be?
The first carving, upon examination, depicts a temple in the desert, covered in imagery resembling that of a Chain Chomp. A sandstorm swirls around the temple, lending it an ominous air.
The second carving depicts a wealthy neighborhood, with a prestigious museum and hotel both within walking distance of each other. The few people depicted in this carving appear to be in the lap of luxury.
The final carving of the lot depicts a worn-out train station situated in the arid badlands beyond the coast. Long-since abandoned and swarming with all manner of strange creatures, it appears dangerous.
Push in the Temple carving. Push in the Wealthy Neighborhood carving. Push in the Abandoned Station carving.
Wealthy Neighborhood Carving
You place your hands on the carving of the wealthy neighborhood upon the final pillar, taking a deep breath. Poshley Heights, right? The final destination of the Excess Express. This has to be it. The location of the final Crystal Star…
You push the carving inwards.
The machinery within the vault’s walls begins to grind and churn once more - more violently than before. Rubble falls from the ceiling above, and the Professor takes cover behind a nearby pillar. As the pillars begin to rotate and sink into the ground, you hit the floor, barely avoiding a falling boulder from the ceiling as it hits your former position with a crash, leaving a deep crater where you were once standing.
The rumbling subsides, and you climb back to your feet, brushing the vestiges of rubble from your clothing with a swipe of your hand. As the dust settles, you see the Professor pointing northwards, gripping Frankly’s notes firmly. His hand shakes with shock - or perhaps… wonder.
After all, after a millennium… the Thousand-Year Door lies open before you, greeting you only with a yawning, unspeakable abyss.
Deep Pit Carving
You confidently push in the next carving, grinning to yourself. No reason to doubt yourself on this one. Just like before, the carving retreats into the pillar - and the machinery in the walls begins to rumble, shaking the massive chamber more violently than before. You grab onto a pillar for support as the floor begins to quake likewise, almost losing your balance.
The Professor begins to panic, the pillar closest to him beginning to collapse wholesale, smashing into the stone pedestal in the center of the room and sending debris scattering across the floor. As gathers up whatever equipment and notes he can, he curses under his breath. You overhear a variety of things you cannot repeat in this PG-rated magazine - mostly directed towards you.
The quakes intensify further, the pillar formerly acting as your support now buckling under the weight of the unstable ceiling. You dash away from the falling pillar, but it strikes you in the rear, knocking you to the ground and pinning you. You call out for the Professor to help, but he’s already long gone.
With a final, explosive quake, the room collapses upon itself, burying you forevermore within the depths of Rogueport’s underground. Though you may eventually be unearthed decades in the future by the next archaeological team to come along, your old bones will be quickly discarded - as they turn their gaze towards the looming, crimson gateway that marks your grave.
The Thousand-Year Door.
Dragon and Castle Carving
You confidently push in the next carving, grinning to yourself. No reason to doubt yourself on this one. Just like before, the carving retreats into the pillar - and the machinery in the walls begins to rumble, shaking the massive chamber more violently than before. You grab onto a pillar for support as the floor begins to quake likewise, almost losing your balance.
The Professor begins to panic, the pillar closest to him beginning to collapse wholesale, smashing into the stone pedestal in the center of the room and sending debris scattering across the floor. As gathers up whatever equipment and notes he can, he curses under his breath. You overhear a variety of things you cannot repeat in this PG-rated magazine - mostly directed towards you.
The quakes intensify further, the pillar formerly acting as your support now buckling under the weight of the unstable ceiling. You dash away from the falling pillar, but it strikes you in the rear, knocking you to the ground and pinning you. You call out for the Professor to help, but he’s already long gone.
With a final, explosive quake, the room collapses upon itself, burying you forevermore within the depths of Rogueport’s underground. Though you may eventually be unearthed decades in the future by the next archaeological team to come along, your old bones will be quickly discarded - as they turn their gaze towards the looming, crimson gateway that marks your grave.
The Thousand-Year Door.
Snowy Cannon Carving
You confidently push in the next carving, grinning to yourself. No reason to doubt yourself on this one. Just like before, the carving retreats into the pillar - and the machinery in the walls begins to rumble, shaking the massive chamber more violently than before. You grab onto a pillar for support as the floor begins to quake likewise, almost losing your balance.
The Professor begins to panic, the pillar closest to him beginning to collapse wholesale, smashing into the stone pedestal in the center of the room and sending debris scattering across the floor. As gathers up whatever equipment and notes he can, he curses under his breath. You overhear a variety of things you cannot repeat in this PG-rated magazine - mostly directed towards you.
The quakes intensify further, the pillar formerly acting as your support now buckling under the weight of the unstable ceiling. You dash away from the falling pillar, but it strikes you in the rear, knocking you to the ground and pinning you. You call out for the Professor to help, but he’s already long gone.
With a final, explosive quake, the room collapses upon itself, burying you forevermore within the depths of Rogueport’s underground. Though you may eventually be unearthed decades in the future by the next archaeological team to come along, your old bones will be quickly discarded - as they turn their gaze towards the looming, crimson gateway that marks your grave.
The Thousand-Year Door.
Tree Carving
You confidently push in the next carving, grinning to yourself. No reason to doubt yourself on this one. Just like before, the carving retreats into the pillar - and the machinery in the walls begins to rumble, shaking the massive chamber more violently than before. You grab onto a pillar for support as the floor begins to quake likewise, almost losing your balance.
The Professor begins to panic, the pillar closest to him beginning to collapse wholesale, smashing into the stone pedestal in the center of the room and sending debris scattering across the floor. As gathers up whatever equipment and notes he can, he curses under his breath. You overhear a variety of things you cannot repeat in this PG-rated magazine - mostly directed towards you.
The quakes intensify further, the pillar formerly acting as your support now buckling under the weight of the unstable ceiling. You dash away from the falling pillar, but it strikes you in the rear, knocking you to the ground and pinning you. You call out for the Professor to help, but he’s already long gone.
With a final, explosive quake, the room collapses upon itself, burying you forevermore within the depths of Rogueport’s underground. Though you may eventually be unearthed decades in the future by the next archaeological team to come along, your old bones will be quickly discarded - as they turn their gaze towards the looming, crimson gateway that marks your grave.
The Thousand-Year Door.
Ancient City Carving
You confidently push in the next carving, grinning to yourself. No reason to doubt yourself on this one. Just like before, the carving retreats into the pillar - and the machinery in the walls begins to rumble, shaking the massive chamber more violently than before. You grab onto a pillar for support as the floor begins to quake likewise, almost losing your balance.
The Professor begins to panic, the pillar closest to him beginning to collapse wholesale, smashing into the stone pedestal in the center of the room and sending debris scattering across the floor. As gathers up whatever equipment and notes he can, he curses under his breath. You overhear a variety of things you cannot repeat in this PG-rated magazine - mostly directed towards you.
The quakes intensify further, the pillar formerly acting as your support now buckling under the weight of the unstable ceiling. You dash away from the falling pillar, but it strikes you in the rear, knocking you to the ground and pinning you. You call out for the Professor to help, but he’s already long gone.
With a final, explosive quake, the room collapses upon itself, burying you forevermore within the depths of Rogueport’s underground. Though you may eventually be unearthed decades in the future by the next archaeological team to come along, your old bones will be quickly discarded - as they turn their gaze towards the looming, crimson gateway that marks your grave.
The Thousand-Year Door.
Creepy Steeple Carving
You confidently push in the next carving, grinning to yourself. No reason to doubt yourself on this one. Just like before, the carving retreats into the pillar - and the machinery in the walls begins to rumble, shaking the massive chamber more violently than before. You grab onto a pillar for support as the floor begins to quake likewise, almost losing your balance.
The Professor begins to panic, the pillar closest to him beginning to collapse wholesale, smashing into the stone pedestal in the center of the room and sending debris scattering across the floor. As gathers up whatever equipment and notes he can, he curses under his breath. You overhear a variety of things you cannot repeat in this PG-rated magazine - mostly directed towards you.
The quakes intensify further, the pillar formerly acting as your support now buckling under the weight of the unstable ceiling. You dash away from the falling pillar, but it strikes you in the rear, knocking you to the ground and pinning you. You call out for the Professor to help, but he’s already long gone.
With a final, explosive quake, the room collapses upon itself, burying you forevermore within the depths of Rogueport’s underground. Though you may eventually be unearthed decades in the future by the next archaeological team to come along, your old bones will be quickly discarded - as they turn their gaze towards the looming, crimson gateway that marks your grave.
The Thousand-Year Door.
Temple Carving
You confidently push in the next carving, grinning to yourself. No reason to doubt yourself on this one. Just like before, the carving retreats into the pillar - and the machinery in the walls begins to rumble, shaking the massive chamber more violently than before. You grab onto a pillar for support as the floor begins to quake likewise, almost losing your balance.
The Professor begins to panic, the pillar closest to him beginning to collapse wholesale, smashing into the stone pedestal in the center of the room and sending debris scattering across the floor. As gathers up whatever equipment and notes he can, he curses under his breath. You overhear a variety of things you cannot repeat in this PG-rated magazine - mostly directed towards you.
The quakes intensify further, the pillar formerly acting as your support now buckling under the weight of the unstable ceiling. You dash away from the falling pillar, but it strikes you in the rear, knocking you to the ground and pinning you. You call out for the Professor to help, but he’s already long gone.
With a final, explosive quake, the room collapses upon itself, burying you forevermore within the depths of Rogueport’s underground. Though you may eventually be unearthed decades in the future by the next archaeological team to come along, your old bones will be quickly discarded - as they turn their gaze towards the looming, crimson gateway that marks your grave.
The Thousand-Year Door.
Abandoned Station Carving
You confidently push in the next carving, grinning to yourself. No reason to doubt yourself on this one. Just like before, the carving retreats into the pillar - and the machinery in the walls begins to rumble, shaking the massive chamber more violently than before. You grab onto a pillar for support as the floor begins to quake likewise, almost losing your balance.
The Professor begins to panic, the pillar closest to him beginning to collapse wholesale, smashing into the stone pedestal in the center of the room and sending debris scattering across the floor. As gathers up whatever equipment and notes he can, he curses under his breath. You overhear a variety of things you cannot repeat in this PG-rated magazine - mostly directed towards you.
The quakes intensify further, the pillar formerly acting as your support now buckling under the weight of the unstable ceiling. You dash away from the falling pillar, but it strikes you in the rear, knocking you to the ground and pinning you. You call out for the Professor to help, but he’s already long gone.
With a final, explosive quake, the room collapses upon itself, burying you forevermore within the depths of Rogueport’s underground. Though you may eventually be unearthed decades in the future by the next archaeological team to come along, your old bones will be quickly discarded - as they turn their gaze towards the looming, crimson gateway that marks your grave.
The Thousand-Year Door.
Rogueport Sewers
As you walk through the eastside, you come upon a strange pipe. Peering down the deep pipe, you see only a faint light surrounded by intense darkness. While you can't see down there, your nose is met with the pungent scent of waste and refuse. You realize this must be the sewer, and, disgusted, you turn to walk away from it when, suddenly the light at the bottom begins to shine brightly.
"Hehehe, my friend, don't walk away! Come down with me. I have so many wonders to tell".
No Maintenance
The voice rings through your ears, both eerie and sweet. Your thoughts race about what could be down there, calling you from the pipe. Without thinking, you begin to climb in the pipe, but then you snap out of it, slapping yourself in the face as your brain screams ARE YOU CRAZY? DO NOT ENTER DARK PIPES BECAUSE A MYSTERY VOICE BECKONS TO YOU! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?. Realizing how stupid you were being, you slowly back away from the pipe as the voice calls out for you to come back.
Pick A Pipe
Enchanted by the strange yet sweet voice you hear, you jump into the pipe, going down into the deep, dark sewer. Upon landing at the bottom, you can make out three things. There are paths both to the left and right, equally shrouded in darkness. Dead ahead, you see an odd bird-like figure standing in a shallow light.
Approach the strange figure. Go left. Go right. Climb back out.
Rippo Agency
You approach and stare at the bird man, confused and not quite sure what to make of him. He smiles a sly smile through his beak and speaks.
"Hehehe, hello my friend, I am the great all-knowing Chet Rippo! I see in you a spirit bound for a great but challenge-filled destiny! I will, for a low low price of 37 coins, give you the knowledge to overcome the many trials you might face."
No Deal
The smile disappears, making way for a frown. "You disappoint me, my friend. I only hope you don't live to regret it when what i see comes to pass."
Chet Rippo's Advice
The room fills with smoke as Chet Rippo cocks his head chanting. Finally he turns to you and speaks.
"SOON YOU WILL COME FACE-TO-FACE WITH A FIGHTER OF GREAT REPUTE, A WARRIOR WHOSE POWER SHALL FAR OUTPACE YOUR OWN. LISTEN CLOSE, MY YOUNG FRIEND, FOR YOU SHALL HAVE ONLY ONE CHANCE TO AVERT YOUR DOOM. I CAN SEE IT NOW. LATE IN THE FIGHT, YOU WILL GET HIM ON THE BACKFOOT. WHEN THAT HAPPENS, YOU MUST PRESS YOUR ADVANTAGE. CHARGE WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT AND HIT HIM WITH A MIGHTY CROSSBODY. YOU WILL BRING HIM TO THE FLOOR AND DEFEAT HIM 1-2-3."
"But that is not the only fate I see, my young friend. For another 37 coins, I shall reveal to you the secrets for your success."
Chet Rippo's Advice (2)
"RICHES, MY FRIEND! I SEE RICHES BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS. GOLD, SILVER, PRECIOUS GEMS, ALL THERE AND ALL FOR THE TAKING. SOON MY FRIEND, SOON YOU'LL HAVE IN YOUR GRASP THE WEALTH OF THE GREATEST PIRATE KING IN HISTORY. DO NOT LET IT GO TO WASTE, MY FRIEND CLAIM AS MUCH TREASURE AS YOU CAN CARRY AND BECOME RICHER THAN ANY MAN IN HISTORY."
"And perhaps, my friend, you will share your good fortune with me, your loyal advisor? But that is not the only fate I see, my young friend. For another 37 coins, I shall reveal to you the secrets for your success."
Chet Rippo's Advice (3)
"I SEE IT NOW, MY FRIEND. YOU'RE TRAPPED, STRANDED IN A HOSTILE PLACE AND FORCED TO MAINTAIN AN IDENTITY THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN. BE WARNED, MY FRIEND, IF YOU LET YOUR COVER BE BLOWN, YOU WILL MEET A HORRIBLE FATE. BUT I SEE ONE ALLY IN THIS HOSTILE PLACE, A CREATURE IN NEED OF A FRIEND. MAKE THEM LOVE YOU AND THEY WILL PROTECT YOU. MAKE THEM LOVE YOU SO MUCH THEY CAN'T FATHOM LETTING HARM COME TO YOU."
"Do that, my friend, and you shall survive this hostile territory safe and sound. But that is not the only fate I see, my young friend. For another 37 coins, I shall reveal to you the secrets for your success."
Chet Rippo's Advice (4)
"YOU'VE BEEN EMBROILED IN AN INTENSE MYSTERY. LIES AND SCHEMES FILL THE AIR. EVERYBODY IS A SUSPECT; EVERYBODY HAS A MOTIVE. DO NOT TRUST WHAT THEY SAY, MY FRIEND, FOR THEY ONLY WANT TO LEAD YOU DOWN THE PATH OF FALSEHOOD. YOU MUST PRESS THEM, MY FRIEND. PRESSURE MAKES DIAMONDS AND YOU MUST APPLY ENOUGH PRESSURE TO CRACK OPEN THE TRUTH."
"Let them lie, and, my friend, you shall never find the truth you seek. But that is not the only fate I see, my young friend. For another 37 coins, I shall reveal to you the secrets for your success."
Chet Rippo's Advice (5)
"YOU ARE IN A STRANGE PLACE MY FRIEND, A PLACE FILLED WITH ANCIENT EVIL . THE SPIRITS OF SAID EVIL SURROUND YOU, TAKING ON THE FORMS OF THE MANY BODIES WHO HAVE BEEN SACRIFICED TO THE DEMONS WHO HAUNT SUCH A PLACE. THEIR BONES ARE HARDY, MY FRIEND. EVEN THE HOTTEST FLAMES WON'T SCORCH THROUGH THEIR BONES. BUT THEIR SKULLS ARE BRITTLE, MY FRIEND. YOU MUST MAKE LIKE MARIO FROM THE MAINLAND AND JUMP ON THESE UNDEAD CREATURES. ONLY BY DOING THAT CAN YOU DESTROY THE BRAINS OF THE UNDEAD.
"And only by doing that can you return them to the realm of the dead my friend. These are all the fates I see for you. Heed my advice well, my friend. I'm happy to repeat my advice… for a price."
Left In The Dark
Ignoring the bird man, you decide to make your way to the left. Going through a dark and tight corridor, you come upon another light. Exiting the corridor, you see a blocked off pathway with a sign that reads "CLOSED FOR EXCAVATION! SEE PROFESSOR FRANKLY FOR MORE DETAIL!"
Safety First
For a brief second, you think about ignoring the sign. I mean, after all, who is going to know? But you decide that this is probably blocked off for a reason. You decide to head back the way you came and ponder whether or not it would be worth it to talk to Professor Frankly and see if maybe there's a big scoop rattling around in his noggin!
That Sign Won't Stop Me
You think to yourself "I'm not gonna let some stupid sign tell me what to do!". Brazenly, you march forward, bypassing the construction tape blocking off the path. As you think to yourself how smart you are, not letting a little thing like "safety" stop you from doing what you want, the ground begins to rumble. You think to yourself "uh-oh" as the ceiling above you collapses, burying you in rubble. Unfortunately for you, it appears that everybody else decided to listen to the sign and, though you wait, help never arrives.
Right Into Darkness
Ignoring the bird man, you decide to head down the right pipe. As you leave, you hear him call out. "Wait, my friend, it is dangerous to go down that pipe," he tells you. But, I mean, he's a bird, so what does he know?
As you head down the pipe, you notice the sewer water is getting higher until you come face-to-face with what looks like an ocean of water. "So this must be where the sewer water feeds out," you say to yourself as you notice the water moving violently,
I'm Not A Plumber
Seeing how violently the water is moving, you decide that it's probably best to mosey on out of here. And it's a good thing you decided to leave, because, as you head back down the pipe, you see a giant Blooper jump out of the water! It's a good thing you didn't stick around or you'd be lunch!
Water, Water Everywhere
Seeing the water vibrate so violently, you decide to do a little investigation. After all, you could probably write a pretty good story if you found something wrong with the sewers. Peering down in the water, you see two pairs of giant eyes. You back away, startled, WHEN, WITHOUT WARNING, A TENTACLE FLIES OUT OF THE WATER AND WRAPS ITSELF AROUND YOU! You try to struggle to break away, but it's no use! The tentacle drags you down under into the briny deep!
Even More East Rogueport
As you look upon the conditions of this run-down side of town, you suddenly get a brain blast. "I could write a 'Shroom section on urban decay! I bet I could even win a Community Award for best section!" With thoughts of glory in your head, you continue - probably foolishly - down the clearly dangerous eastside streets. As you cross a rickety bridge that you can only speculate was built to help foster commerce in the city, two Craws block the path behind you.
"Hey you! This is Robbo Gang territory! You better have a good explanation for why you've invaded our turf," one of them asks, pointing his spear at your throat.
Beg them to spare you. Fight them off. Say you're part of the gang.
Poor Beggar
For a second, time freezes as you feel the cold steel pointed against your neck. Panicking and not knowing what to do, your eyes fill with tears as you fall to your knees, begging them not to hurt you. The two Craws stare at you awkwardly before one places his hand on your shoulder. "Come on buddy, it's okay. We're not gonna hurt you. Just give us all your money and get out of here," he says, handing you a tissue to dry your eyes. You nod your head and give him your money, thanking him for the tissue as you dry your eyes. Sure enough, with your money handed over, they let you leave the eastside. Hell, they even leave you just enough to stay at the inn. But after this traumatic experience, you decide you don't have the nerve for such a dangerous assignment. Instead, you decide to spend the rest of the trip inside the inn, counting down the days until you can go home.
Great Writer, Bad Fighter
For a second, time freezes as you feel the cold steel pointed against your neck. Drawing on the hidden strength unleashed by your fight-or-flight instinct, you manage to push the spear off your neck and go in for a strike! Unfortunately, you're both outnumbered and your journalistic skills are no match for their spears. Now, Mario Wiki content policies won't let me tell you what happens next, but let's just say it's not pretty!
The Pretender
For a second, time freezes as you feel the cold steel pointed against your neck. Almost on instinct, you stammer out "I-I-I'm a member of the Robbo Gang". Only after you say it do you begin realizing how stupid that sounds. The two Craws stare at each other, unsure what they should do. They begin to whisper to each other. You can just barely make out the conversation.
"What do we do? He says he's a member." "Well, I've never seen him before." "Yeah, but he says he's a member. Are you accusing another member of lying?" "Well no! It's just… I've never seen him before!" "We better take him to the boss. He'll get to bottom of this."
With that, the two both point their spears at you and lead you away!
Robbo Hideout
You're led into a small dirty building. Scanning the surroundings, you can see many mean-looking Craws shooting dice and playing cards. Upon seeing you, the Craws begin mean-mugging you, clearly trying to intimidate you (spoiler alert - it's working). You're led into a back room, where a snail man sits in an old ratty chair, drinking a bottle of Jammin' Jelly.
"Boss Ishnail, we found this man sniffing around the eastside. He claims to be a Robbo Gang member," one of the Craws says.
Ishnail looks at you, then he looks at the two Craws before shaking his head. "What, are you two mooks stupid?" He asks. "You ever seen this guy around the club?" He asks angrily.
You hear an audible gulp as the two Craws try to explain how you tricked them with your big words and fancy language. Hearing this inane babble, Ishnail explodes. "YOU STUPID IDIOTS! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I HAVE YOU KEELHAULED," he yells, causing the Craws to run off in fear. He then turns to you. "So, you want to be a member of the Robbo Gang, eh?"
Robbo Hideout: Successful Swindling!
With the loot in hand, you return to the Robbo Gang headquarters. Upon presenting the loot, a celebration begins, an all-night rager, to be specific. When the sun rises in the morning, you're presented with your cut of the loot - 500 coins and the Glitzville blimp ticket. While 500 coins is pretty good walking around money, it isn't exactly retirement money and you still don't have your story for The 'Shroom.
You briefly consider writing about your exploits with the Robbo Thieves and about how you scammed the Pinata Parlor, but you realize it probably isn't smart to betray the trust of one criminal gang while humiliating another, so that idea is out. Suddenly, you remember Waluigi Time is covering the Glitzville tournament! You've got a ticket to Glitzville! You can go cover the tournament with him!
Oh no, looking at these tickets, the blimp leaves in 45 minutes! You need to go! You bid a quick farewell to your new gang members before heading off to hopefully find the perfect 'Shroom story.
Well Actually...
You attempt to explain how you made your way into the eastside by accident and got attacked by two toughs. You tell him how you only claimed to be a member in hopes of getting them to leave you alone. Ishnail looks at you, pondering for a second. "So, you thought you could make a fool of the Robbo Gang?" He snaps at you angrily before grabbing you by the throat, dragging you into the main room.
"DID YOU HEAR THAT, BOYS? THIS GUY THINKS HE CAN MAKE A FOOL OF US. SHOW HIM WHAT WE DO TO PEOPLE LIKE HIM," he yells, inciting the rest of the Robbo Gang. As they surround you, you desperately try to explain that it was just a mistake, but it's no use. The first punch knocks you out and, while the details after that are fuzzy, let's just say you caught the beating of your life, that's for sure.
New Recruit
Fearing for your life, you tell Ishnail that you would gladly accept a spot in this prestigious organization. He smiles at you. "Good to hear it, kid, 'cause I got a job that you'd be perfect for. But first ya gotta prove you're trustworthy, so here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go down to the Item Shop and steal me and the boys a Jelly Ultra. You do that, and all will be forgiven and you'll be a full member of the Robbo Gang. If you refuse, however… then things gotta go the other way. So, what do ya say? Are ya in, or are ya in?"
A Noble Effort
Despite your fear and despite the threats, you can't go through with it. You can't steal from an innocent shopkeeper just to save your own skin. It wouldn't be right! Even though you're terrified, you refuse the job, telling Ishnail that you won't betray your conviction just to save your own hide.
Surprisingly, Isnhail begins to clap. "I gotta say, kid, I'm impressed. Not a lot of people would stand up to me like that. And all to save some shopkeep you don't know from some economic misfortune. Alright, here's what we're going to do. Boys, I want you to beat him only half as much as we usually would and then let him go. I think he's earned that."
With that, your fate is sealed and you catch a wicked beating, no doubt, but at least you stood tall with your convictions! And hey, to top it all off, the Fake News Article you wrote about your experiences managed to get nominated for a Poochy's Pick! All things considered, this worked out at least semi-okay!
Crime! Crime! Crime!
"Alright, kid, I knew you'd see it our way! Now, to make sure you follow through, my boys Garf and Goose are gonna accompany you. If you step out of line, you'll regret it," Ishnail says, directing you away.
Buyer's Remorse
You return to the Robbo Gang, job complete and the Jelly Ultra in your hands. You explain to Ishnail how easy it was! In fact, you didn't have to steal anything, you tell him. You simply purchased the Jelly Ultra with money! You even show him the receipt! But as it turns out, simply purchasing things doesn't exactly impress a gang of hardened criminals. Instead, being angry over you wasting their time, they decide to, how you say, beat your ass. Maybe next time you should follow directions and steal the damn jelly!
You're a Robber, Kid
Triumphantly, you return with a Jelly Ultra. In celebration, Ishnail pops open a couple bottles, letting you take the first drink of the crime-filled victory. Ishnail then explains his plan to you. He tells you the history of the Pianta Syndicate and the Robbo Gang, how the Syndicate and the Robbos were once partners before Don Pianta betrayed the Robbo Gang and slowly pushed them out of the nicer westside and into the run down slums of eastside. He explains that, for years, the Syndicate has been making a fool of the Robbos, but no longer! This time it will be Don Pianta who will be made the fool!
"Alright, kid, so here's what we're gonna do. You know the Pianta Parlor? The crown jewel of the Pianta Syndicate? Well, me and the boys have been casing it, and we've found out that the games are as phony as a three-gold coin. Because of that, money has been flowing into Don Pianta's hands. Even the so-called winners are nothing more than plants to make it look like winning is possible. And any sap who's not a plant and ends up on a hot streak? They get invited to Don Pianta's private table, where Don Pianta, an expert gambler, personally cleans them out. But that confidence, that's going to be Don Pianta's undoing."
"You see kid, me and the boys, we've been studying up and we've learned all the tricks. But obviously we couldn't go in there and gamble; they'd never let us in. So that's where you come in. You're gonna be our patsy, understand? You're gonna go in there and win enough to get invited to a private game with Don Pianta, then you're gonna clean him out, you understand? Talk to the boys. They'll tell you everything you gotta do, then you can head out to Pianta Parlor."
Talk to Gus. Inquire with Garf. Speak to Goose. Converse with Pierre. Continue talking to Ishnail. Head to Pianta Parlor. Go back to East Rogueport
Robbo Gang: Gus
"Stay away from the slots, kid," Gus tells you. "Not only are they rigged, but they were also enhanced by a crooked Magikoopa. You play more than three spins and you'll be hooked. You'll play 'til you're out of coins."
Robbo Gang: Garf
"When it comes to their poker tables, you'll have to think counterintuitively," Garf advises. "A lot of people think it's bad luck to play at a dealer change, so they make small bets until they feel the dealer out. But here's the thing - the Pianta Parlor knows all that. That's why they've got it rigged so that the top half of a deck is fair cards and the bottom half is the rigged cards. Because of this, they often sit two Piantas at the table just to burn through those fair cards faster. So your best chance is gonna be to try and win as big of a pot as possible on the first hand after a dealer change, when all the hands could be good."
Robbo Gang: Goose
"Steer clear of the craps table," Goose tells you. "They use frequent switches of loaded dice to make it so that nobody can get on a roll. It's possible to win, sure, but because it'll all be luck, and if you stay too long, a dice switch will wipe you out. I guess you could say it's a crapshoot, haha!"
Robbo Gang: Pierre
"When it comes to the roulette table, the Piantas are smart," Pierre explains. "On a big enough bet, they bring out a special brass ball. Now, this ball looks nearly identical to the other balls they use, but here's the thing - this ball always lands on double 0. They way they see it, nobody is going to make a giant bet on such little odds. And based on how successful they are, they appear to be right. So if I were you, I'd steer clear of the roulette table until your pot is as big as possible and then, BAM, place the money down first and, after he grabs the ball, surprise him with a double zero bet. If you see him sweating, you'll know you've got it!"
Robbo Gang Leader: Ishnail
"Alright, kid, here's what you gotta know about Don Pianta. His game of choice is blackjack, and he's admittedly pretty good at it. But he's got a tell! Whenever he has over 18, he gives a slight cough. And here's the thing - he never bets when he has 18 or over. Use that to your advantage and, with a little luck, you should beat him! Watch out though, because he has an aura about him that intimidates most people he plays against, causing them to lose focus. Ignore his aura and focus on the cards and you should beat him!"
Shoplifting!
Following the Robbos’ directions, you find yourself standing outside a large, brick building. The placard on the wall reads ‘Toad Brothers General Store’. You take a deep breath as you open the door. You’ve never done anything like this before, but if it’s for a story… A journalist has to be willing to do anything, right?
Inside the shop, you see a counter with various items on display, including… the Jelly Ultra. Your heart rate quickens as you stare at it. It’s not particularly close to the door, how are you supposed t-?
Your heart almost leaps out of your chest as you’re greeted by a mustachioed, orange-capped Toad, presumably one of the titular ‘brothers’. He asks you if you need any help, but you just sputter out that you’re “just browsing” and speed-walk towards the counter to examine the items on sale - though your eyes are firmly on that jelly-covered ‘shroom at the back of the store. Likewise, the Toad’s eyes are fixed firmly on you - not necessarily due to suspicion, but merely because there’s little else to watch.
One way or another… you’re going to have to grab that thing. Otherwise… your lead runs cold.
Wait until another customer enters. Cause a distraction and take the Jelly Ultra. Grab the Jelly Ultra and run. Pay for the Jelly Ultra.
This is a Stickup!
You hang around the store, pretending to examine some of the items on display. It’s a pretty bad idea to try to grab the mushroom while this shopkeeper’s got his eyes on you. Maybe you can wait until someone else comes in. As you pick up a jug of Honey Syrup and give it a swirl, a Bandit enters and asks the shopkeep a question about Tasty Tonic. While the shopkeeper takes the Bandit towards the item in question, you drop the Honey Syrup pitcher and hurry over to the Jelly Ultra. You stuff it in your pocket and shuffle for the door… when the door bursts open with a loud bang.
About a dozen bandits pile in, all carrying fire flowers. The Bandit by the Toad shopkeeper raises a flower of his own, right at the Toad’s head. They declare that this is a robbery, as one of the bandits grabs you roughly by the arm and does the same. Unable to do anything to stop them, the bandits gather up the Toad’s goods into a large sack. One of them approaches you as well, punching you firmly in the gut and rifling through your pockets. With a snicker, they take the Jelly Ultra - and your wallet - as the shopkeep looks at you sadly, tossing it into the sack as well. They pile out as quickly as they entered, leaving you alone with the shopkeeper.
You try to apologize for trying to pocket the Jelly Ultra, but the shopkeeper chases you out with a broom, declaring that you’re just as much of a scumbag as the robbers. Outside, you see the Robbo Gang in the distance, hooting and hollering at the scene that just unfolded. They abandon you, heading back in the direction of their base.
You sigh. Well, so much for that lead. Devoid of underworld connections - and now your wallet, you decide to head for the harbor and wait for the ‘Shroom crew to reconvene. It’ll be tough, explaining that you came back from your excursion with nothing - but you guess that’s just karma.
Clean Up on Aisle 3
You figure you probably can’t wait around too long here, but you definitely can’t take it with this guy’s eyes on you. Maybe you can cause a distraction? You shuffle over to a jug of Honey Syrup on the counter, pretending to examine it as you give it a gentle swirl. With the jug aloft in the air, you piece your plan together.
With a falsified gasp of pain, you clutch your side as though overtaken by a sudden cramp, dropping the jug on the floor. As it shatters and spills sticky syrup across the floor, you begin apologizing profusely. The shopkeeper hurries into the storeroom to fetch a mop, and while you’re alone… you stuff the Jelly Ultra into your pocket and make a run for it, dashing out the front door and around the corner.
You catch your breath for a moment, and when the coast is clear… you decide to head back to the Robbo’s base, your work complete. For now.
You Messed With the Wrong Town
Alright. No use overcomplicating it. Time for the ol’ smash and grab. You sprint towards the Jelly Ultra, jamming it into your pocket and hurling yourself towards the door. The shopkeeper protests, but you shove him out of the way, paying no mind as you see him smash into the counter with a grunt.
You kick open the door and emerge outside… only to see two burly Piantas… heading right your way.
“Hey!” One of the Piantas - a yellow one, with sunglasses shrouding his expression - yells, grabbing you by the front of your shirt. “Dis establishment pays protection money to the Pianta Syndicate. Dat means dis establishment is under our protection, capisce?”
You try to respond, but the second Pianta - blue in color, with an even wider figure - decks you across the face. He laughs. “Stealin’ from dis place is stealin’ from da boss. You must be a real wiseguy to steal from da boss. Real piece o’ work.”
The two Piantas drag you into the alley and beat you, setting an example for any passerby as to just what it means to break the law on Pianta turf. They leave you, beaten and aching on the ground as they leave. You’re found hours later by a good samaritan, and sent back to HQ to recover on the next available boat. The ‘Shroom crew returned later, all with plenty of stories to tell of their time in Rogueport.
You just stay quiet. It’s less embarrassing that way.
Honest Patronage
You approach the Jelly Ultra in the corner, examining the label. 150 Coins… That’s most of your travel budget, but… if you can get a good scoop out of it, maybe you can squeeze a couple extra bucks out of the Director. That guy does love a good story. The Robbos expect you to steal it, but… Something about that doesn’t sit right with you. They won’t know if you pay or not, right? Might as well just buy and lie.
You usher the shopkeeper over, removing your wallet from your pocket. He happily sells you the Jelly Ultra, and you… less happily hand over a whole one-hundred and fifty coins to the guy. You leave the store, legally-acquired mushroom in your pocket.
Alright. No use loitering around. Back to the Robbos.
Shoey's Tips
You see your boss, Shoey, standing in the middle of the plaza, gazing at the noose almost like he's admiring it. Deciding to just ignore that and unsure what you're looking for, you decide that, since he's the Director, perhaps he can give you a little direction!
You wave down Shoey, managing to break him from his honestly-a-little-concerning fascination with the noose.
"Oh, hello. Sorry, I was just admiring this fine craftsmanship on this noose. You know, this was originally built in…" Shoey begins to drone on and on about how this noose was used to hang pirates in another one of his drawn-out history lessons about something you just don't care about, but since he's your boss, you're too nervous to stop him. Finally, he begins to wind down the lesson.
"Oh, sorry about that. What is it you need?"
"Oh, you know, nothing." "I could actually use a little advice on finding a story."
Never Mind...
Nervous and stammering, realizing that asking him to help you find a story might make you look incompetent, you awkwardly tell him that you didn't need anything from him, backing away as he looks on confused. As you back off, he returns his attention to the noose.
Director's Decree
"Oh, a little help on a story? Hmmmm… Let's see. There's a lot going on in Rogueport if even half the stories are true. It's a pretty seedy place, ya know! Perhaps talking to one of our esteemed team directors would help you find the perfect story. Let's see…"
Request information regarding Roserade. Ask where Waluigi Time is. Where's Anton? Inquire about Hooded Pitohui. How's Zange? What happened to FunkyK38? Thank Shoey and return to the square.
Rendezvous With Roserade
"Rose? Rose? They stayed behind at the docks, said they were looking to get hired on by a ship crew. They said they wanted to write a Palette Swap story based on their own real life adventures. If they get hired onto a ship's crew, maybe you can join them on a seafaring journey!"
Where's Waluigi Time?
As a former fighting competition promoter himself, I know Waluigi Time was very eager to report on the upcoming Glitz Pit supercard tournament. If you can get yourself a blimp ticket to Glitzville, maybe you could help him report on it!"
Asking About Anton
"On the boat ride, Anton could not stop gushing about taking a trip on the luxurious Excess Express. The most decadent train in the world, he said. The finest chefs, private cabins overflowing with luxury, and it all ends with a stop in Poshley Heights! A place with the most exclusive and sophisticated cafés in the world. He said he can't wait to review it all for Half-Baked Reviews. Perhaps you could help him report on it? You could give a more common view on the finer things in life. Of course, Excess Express tickets are extremely expensive but, hmmmmm… I believe Anton did say something about having a couple extra tickets. Perhaps you could convince Anton to part with his spare?"
How's Hooded Pitohui?
"After we docked, Hood flew off, complaining that it was too bright out. He said he planned on heading off to chart some deep dark caves.Maybe he's planning on sailing with Rose to find those caves? It's always been pretty difficult for him to draw things with those bat wings of his so, if you find him, perhaps you can help him draw out the charts!"
Zange Zipped Away...
"Huh, you know? Now that I think about it, I haven't seen Zange at all recently. I mean, I know they're usually pretty quiet, but I only really remember briefly seeing them on the boat here! Heh, maybe you could look into their disappearance!"
Finding FunkyK38
"Funky told me in hush-hush terms that she was going to be doing some undercover reporting on some big gang. The Y-nets? No, that's not it… Hmmm, maybe it was the Z-Nuts? Something like that. I thought she was joking honestly, but, come to think of it, I haven't seen her since we got off the boat… hmmmmmmm."
Rogueport Alley
As you walk through the plaza a voice calls out to you.
"Pssst. Hey, kid, come here"
You turn to see a strange hooded man wearing dirty clothes, his eyes obscured by his long bangs.
Maybe Let's Not…
Turning around, you see a man dressed in old rags beckoning you from what appears to be a dark and scary ally. Seeing this scene, your "nope" alarms are hitting defcon 5 levels of "nope". Not wanting to get stabbed today, you decide that it's probably best if you don't engage with this shady character.
An Odd Fellow
Looking for the juicy story that will make the front page of the 'Shroom, you cautiously approach the man.
He smiles at you as you approach. "Hey, kid, I couldn't help but overhear you're looking for a story. Follow me and I'll show you the biggest story on this whole island," he says with a sly smile as he disappears into the alley.
A Steady Retreat
As the man slinks into the dark alley, you think to yourself this couldn't be any more of a trap if there was a big sign that said "danger - beware of muggers". Because of this, you decide - wisely - not to enter the mugger alley. Instead, you depart to find your big scoop in a less murdery part of town!
Ambushed!
As you see the man slink into your alley, you shout with joy. "Oh boy, a free scoop! This is gonna be easier than i thought! Front page, here I come!" You happily skip after the man, thinking about how impressed Shoey will be with your investigative work!
"Come on, that's it, just a little bit further," the man says, when, suddenly you see him stop as he breaks out in laughter.
"I can't believe you fell for this," he says as you stand before him confused, noticing two figures cloaked in darkness emerging and closing off the alley behind you.
"Your money or your life," one of the figures says. While you can't see who it is, you can see they're holding a Fire Flower!!!
Early Firing
Scared to the point of terror and with tears in your eyes, you immediately hand over all of the coins you have, including the travel allowance given to you by the 'Shroom and even your return ticket home! Satisfied with what you've given them, the muggers let you leave the alley, threatening to gouge you if you try and testify against them before they disappear.
With tears in your eyes, you find Shoey and tell him all about how the bad man tricked you and stole all your money. Frustrated that you couldn't even last like 5 minutes without being mugged, Shoey decides you're not ready for on-the-scene reporting and buys you a ticket home on a ship that leaves immediately. You leave Rogueport having accomplished little more than becoming another crime statistic, having failed to achieve anything more than losing whatever trust your boss had in you!
Ouch…
Scared, you reach into your pockets to pull out your money before a thought pops into your head. SCREW THAT I'M NOT GONNA BE A VICTIM! Defiant, you charge your assailants, who promptly beat your ass and steal your money before dumping your body in a nearby dumpster.
A 1-Star Rating
With a broken body, you use all your remaining strength to pitifully cry out for somebody to help you. For what feels like an eternity, nobody arrives, but finally you're found by a Doogan who carries you back to the plaza and, more importantly, to the hospital. While you recuperate from your injuries, you decide you're going to write an article to expose the dangers of Rogueport! It'll be a harrowing article that will bring to light the seedy underbelly of Rogueport!
Unfortunately, as it turns out, your story basically amounts to "Crime Town Full of Crime" and, despite your best efforts, it barely makes page six of Fake News, leaving you with little more from your Rogueport experience than medical bills and a quickly-forgotten headline
The Ol' Switcheroo
For what feels like hours, you lay in the dumpster unable to move, wallowing in intense pain. Barely conscious, you finally hear the pitter patter of running feet. Finally, somebody to rescue me, you think to yourself.
"I gotta get out of here! Those guys are nuts," you hear from the dumpster as you let out a moan, hoping to alert your would-be rescuer.
A figure peers into the dumpster, but you can't make the figure's identity out through the darkness as they pull you out of the dumpster.
Strangely, the figure speaks. "Sorry, man it's me or you," he tells you as he quickly switches clothes with you, dressing you in a mask, googles, and an overcoat that… feels like it has a scarf sewn into the neck??? That's weird. Who would design an outfit like that, you think to yourself as you hear the figure run off.
Suddenly, a light - no, almost a spotlight - shines on you and a voice barks out! "THERE YOU ARE, JOHNSON! WHY DID YOU BREAK RANK WITH THE REST OF THE X-NAUT PLATOON???"
As you look up to see the sources of the voice, you see that you're now surrounded by little men wearing identical costumes
Impostor!
Groggy and still in pain from the beating, you weakly call out, saying "I'm not Johnson…"
"What do you mean you're not Johnson?" One of the uniformed figures looks at you with skepticism. "Of course you are… Unless… Johnson, pull off Johnson's mask."
One of the little men runs up to you and pulls off your mask. Upon seeing your face, all of the little men gasp as the voice that barked at you earlier erupts with rage. "WAIT A MINUTE! YOU'RE NOT JOHNSON!!! FALSE FACE! IMPOSTER! SABOTEUR! MEN, GRAB HIM"
The little men surround you, picking you up and carrying you off. You aren't sure what's going to happen to yourself, but you can assume it won't be pretty!
Involuntary Recruitment
You stare at the men, confused over literally everything that is happening right now. As you try to figure out how you ended up in this situation, the booming voice calls out impatiently. "JOHNSON, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. X-NAUT PLATOON, SECURE JOHNSON! WE HAVE TO REPORT BACK TO THE FORTRESS AT ONCE!"
The little men surround you, picking you up and dragging you away. While you still don't know what's happening, you decide that if you're ever going to get away from these guys, you're going to have to pretend to be this Johnson!
West Rogueport
Heading west, you notice that west Rogueport seems much nicer than Rogueport plaza. The grit and graffiti of Rogueport plaza is gone and in its place are bright dazzling lights and beautiful plants spread out all over the area. At the center of it all, you see a large building with a sign reading "PIANTA PARLOR: COME BE A WINNER TODAY".
Related to that, you also see a rather large cheerful Bob-omb standing next to a large board that says "Happy Lucky Lottery." As you walk through the westside, your nose starts picking up delightful scents from a house with a sign upon it that says "Zess T. Café". Finally, from the northside, you can see you're only a short walk away from a busy train station.
Enter Pianta Parlor. Check out the lottery. Follow your nose into the café. Head north toward the station. Head back to the plaza.
Happy Lucky Lottery
Intrigued by this rather portly Bob-omb and by this whole "Happy Lucky Lottery" thing, you decide to approach the Bob-omb!
"Hello! I'm Lucky! Would you like to play the Happy Lucky Lottery? Only 10 coins a ticket," he says cheerfully!
Lucky then explains the rules, explaining that each ticket is randomly generated and if you get a ticket matching the six winning numbers of the day, you win the big grand prize!
Unfavorable Odds
Now, you're not great at math. In fact, you once had to go to summer school because of your math skills, meaning that you had to get up at like 8 AM to go to stupid school to learn multiplication. They made you do that when all you wanted to do was run and play! Plus, it's not like calculators aren't a thing, so why did you need to know how to do multiplication anyways…?
You stop yourself before you spiral too deep into bad childhood memories. The point is, despite your lack of math skills, you know that the odds of getting all six numbers on a random generator is like a one in a quillion chance. So with that knowledge, you decide to pass on buying a ticket.
Test Your Luck
You know what? You feel lucky! After all, you got selected to go on this Rogueport trip over other writers like Boo128 and GPM1000. Luck on your side, you purchase one ticket for 10 coins.
Lottery Loser
You pull out your ticket annnnnnnnnnnnd… Aw, razzmatazz, it's not a winner. That's a little disappointing, you think to yourself. It would have been cool to win the grand prize. But, eh, you figured you wouldn't win anyways. Although… you could always buy another ticket…
A Wise Choice
"Eh…" you think to yourself. You had your fun. Buying the occasional lotto ticket is a fun goof, but if you keep buying them you're gonna end up like one of those sad guys who buys the 20 coin scratcher every day at the gas station. Wanting a better fate, you bid Lucky adiue and head on your merry way.
Cheater!
You pull your number annnnnnnnnnnd…. it's a loser :(. That sucks, you think to yourself. It's not like there's anything you can do about it, though, right?
Unless...?
Suddenly, you hatch a cunning plan. Since the day's winning numbers are already on the board, you decide it isn't going to hurt anybody if you just overwrite your losing numbers with the winning numbers. When Lucky is distracted by another customer, you launch your crafty plan into action. and you quickly and stealthy rewrite your losing numbers to be the winning numbers. Satisfied with your scheme, you confidently hand in your "winning ticket".
Lucky takes one look at your ticket and you can see him turn bright red before he just unloads on you. "DO YOU THINK I'M A FOOL? DO YOU THINK I WOULD FALL FOR SUCH AN OBVIOUS SCAM??? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? TRYING TO CHEAT IN MY LOTTERY, HUH HUH? FOR SHAME! DIDN'T YOU MOTHER TEACH YOU BETT-"
Lucky lectures you on the immorality of cheating for what feels like hours. But what can you do? You're stuck, afraid that the already angry bomb will literally explode if you try to slink off! By the time Lucky finishes chewing you out, the sun has gone down. All the fun activities you could have done are but dreams on the wind. Well, it's too late now. I guess this just proves the old saying that a cheater never prospers. You're left to wonder about what could have been, about all the fun you could have had if you had you just played fair and not tried to cheat.
Zess T. Café
You make for the café entrance, only to find a sign on the door.
"Out! That means NO ENTRY! Find me at the DIY kitchen if you can't wait."
Ah, well, that's a bust, but, hey, that tidbit about the DIY kitchen could come in handy. You never know who around here might want something to eat.
Train Station
Heading North from the West Rogueport plaza, you find yourself at a bustling train station. Taking a look around, you notice people of all shapes and sizes - though mostly all dressed in what seem to be expensive clothes. You approach a plump Cheep-Cheep in a conductor’s hat by the boarding platform, asking what’s going on here.
"The Excess Express will be arriving in a few hours from Mt. Rugged Station," the fish proclaims, checking a watch strapped to his fin. "It will continue on to Riverside, then make its final stop in Poshley Heights in a few days' time. That is, provided you have a ticket ready," the Cheep-Cheep concludes, eyeing you.
You thank the conductor for the information, but admit that you don’t have a ticket and head back to rejoin the crowd. As you head back towards the town square, pushing past the gathering crowd of waiting passengers, you spot a familiar Magikoopa sitting on a bench, enjoying a cheese platter as he seemingly awaits the train’s arrival. He looks nervous about something... You recognize him... one of the 'Shroom staff. What was his name again…
Talk to the Magikoopa Go back to the southern part of westside
Culinary Magicks
That’s right! Anton, from the Critic Corner. If he’s here… then he must’ve gotten his hands on some press tickets. Maybe he’d be willing to help you out. You don’t know much about this Poshley Heights place, but it sounds wealthy. And where wealthy people converge... there’s drama, baby. A ticket for the train? No. This is the ticket to a STORY.
...You finish pumping yourself up and decide to go chat with him about that ticket.
“Help, HELP, ROOKIE, HELP ME! I've been here for a whole month now and haven't been able to try the Zess Deluxe because the dining car has a dress code and the only footwear I brought is flip-flops!”
You consider bringing up the fact that it’s only been, like, a day at best maybe, but you decide to keep quiet as he continues, rolling his eyes.
“I hear it's made with Golden Leaf, which is just so tacky and touristy that I can't imagine that anyone else interested is dressed any better than cargo shorts and a Delfino shirt. This horrible offense against me will certainly go into my review, which is due very soon, but I can't very well write it if I don't try it. I'm SUFFERING! I need you to get it for me, and once you do I can give you my spare press pass train ticket.”
A Zess Deluxe… Well, that doesn’t sound like too much of an effort. Something about it sounds familiar enough, you think you might’ve seen that name before, or part of it at least… Maybe back downtown? You turn around and head back the way you came, looking for the restaurant. Eventually, you happen across a brick building adjoining the Zess T. Cafe, a placard set next to the door reading “Zess T.’s DIY Kitchen”.
Enter the building. Go back to the southern part of westside
Prep Work
You open the front door, a bell jingling above to indicate your arrival.You find yourself in a small establishment, an open kitchen before you - as well as an elderly, rather sour-looking Toad. Zess T., you presume. She eyes you up and down, the intensity of her stare sending waves of anxiety through your bones.
Is this what passes for customer service here?
Your thoughts are interrupted as she clears her throat expectantly. You apologize, and explain that you’re looking for some kind of local dish. See it’s for this food reviewer working for The ‘Shroom, and you need his help to get a ticket to the Excess Expr-
“Hey!”, she interrupts, “Can’t you read, bub? The sign says DIY KITCHEN, you know what that means? I don’t cook to order, not even for the press.” She exhales, seemingly at least mildly frustrated. Seems like she gets this kind of thing a lot.
She shows you over to a pantry, well-supplied with a variety of food both ordinary and bizarre.
“Look, I’ve got a whole stock of ingredients. You pick ‘em, I cook ‘em, got it? Whatever comes out, that’s your responsibility. Not my fault if you don’t know jack about flavor profiles.”
You consider pointing out that “do-it-yourself” implies that you’d be doing the cooking too, but you shut your mouth. You’re grateful at least that someone else is doing that part. A celebrity chef, you are not.
You turn towards the pantry full of ingredients…
Select An Ingredient
You look around the well-stocked shelves, not sure exactly what you’re looking for. A Zess Deluxe… let’s see…
On one shelf, you spy three items. A Coconut, still encased in its brown, furry husk. A container of spaghetti, topped with a rich-looking sauce. Finally, some kind of… weird, yellowish lump. Looks kind of bruised…
Zess T. walks in after you, pointing towards the shelf your eyes are currently fixed upon. “Looks like you know a thing or two about food after all,” she comments. “These here are our base ingredients. It’s what you wanna start with, got it? Cut out that gormless stare already and pick one.”
Right, you’d better pick something…
Choose the coconut. Choose the strange lump. Choose the spaghetti.
Coconut Base
You choose the coconut, feeling its heft in your hands. Solid and firm, the fruit seems to be your best shot, as far as you can tell. If anything’s deluxe, it’s this tropical delight.
Zess T. motions to a second shelf. “Alright, bub. Over here’s the garnishes. They’re gonna be what really brings the flavor out. Pick one, and we can get to work.”
You look towards the shelf, spotting another array of ingredients… A Fire Flower, leaves cracking with volcanic power. A leaf, rendered golden by the autumn’s descent. Last but not least, a carton of Mushroom Broth, proudly displaying that it contains 30% less sodium than its competitors.
One more ingredient… Let’s see…
Choose the Fire Flower. Choose the Golden Leaf. Choose the Mushroom Broth.
Dynamite Cookery
You make your choice, snatching up the glowing plant. Holding it in your hand, you feel power coursing through you. You reject the urge to consume it on its own though - getting on that train is a bit more important than throwing a fireball or two right now.
Zess T. nods, less with approval, and more with relief that you’re done wasting time. She takes the ingredients from your hands, and heads over to the kitchen, beginning to wash, chop, and simmer the items in a surprisingly quick timespan. Placing your chosen ingredients - now rendered down to their most malleable forms - into a pan, she places it inside the oven, turning up the temperature and setting a timer.
After a tense moment of waiting, the timer’s bell rings loud and Zess T. opens the oven door, reaching in to retrieve the pan. As she takes a look at the dish she’s prepared though… a feeling of abject dread crosses her face, her eyes bulging from their sockets.
Upon the pan sits a bomb, a coconut stuffed to the brim with fire flower, a fuse rapidly burning down before your eyes. “You moron, what did you give me? Are you trying to get us killed?” she shouts, before picking up the burning bomb and tossing it towards you, eager to get it away from herself.
You catch the bomb, passing it back and forth anxiously in your hands as you retort that she should have known that she was making a bomb, it’s not exactly something that she could have done by accidental means. You hurl the bomb back, feeling much the same survival instinct as the chef.
You toss the bomb back and forth for a while, hurling and receiving insults in equal measure. As it sails through the air, the bomb finally explodes. You both scream for but a moment as the flames erupt through the building with force, consuming both of you.
…You don’t remember much after that. Eventually, the fire department arrived. A few guys with buckets, really. The blaze was contained - but as you lie in your cot in the burn unit, your third-degree burns wrapped up in thick gauze, you’re… pretty sure that you’re not getting out of here anytime soon. Neither is the individual being treated in the bed next to yours. Even through the bandages wrapped around her face, you can hear every last insult that Zess T. hurls your way.
It’s going to be a long recovery.
Leave The Kitchen
You make your choice, snatching up the golden leaf. Holding it in your hand, you feel a gentle crinkle as the leaf sways ever so slightly as you take it from the shelf.
Zess T. nods, less with approval, and more with relief that you’re done wasting time. She takes the ingredients from your hands, and heads over to the kitchen, beginning to wash, chop, and simmer the items in a surprisingly quick timespan. Placing your chosen ingredients - now rendered down to their most malleable forms - into a pan, she places it inside the oven, turning up the temperature and setting a timer.
After a tense moment of waiting, the timer’s bell rings loud and Zess T. opens the oven door, reaching in to retrieve the pan. A thick, sickly cloud of smoke billows out, setting the fire alarm off and filling the air with a rancid stench. Coughing and sputtering, Zess T. forces the foul concoction into your hands and demands that you leave, hurling insults your way as she struggles to open a window.
You step out onto the street, Zess T. slamming the door behind you. Her OPEN sign clatters against the window as she flips it to the CLOSED position. With a sigh, you head back to the train station, covered in soot and the indelible stench of what can only be described as a culinary violation.
As you stagger onto the platform, the conductor calls for boarding. You hurry towards Anton, spying him in the crowd - but the stench of your inedible mistake assails his nostrils before your calls reach his ears. He swivels towards you, his face scrunching up as he eyes you and your hideous dish up and down.
Calmly, he produces a ticket from his pocket and tears into shreds. He produces a second ticket, and wordlessly boards the train. The train’s horn blares as it chugs to life and pulls away from the station, speeding off into the horizon.
You take a seat on the nearby bench, a scowl spreading across your face. You hurl your failed dish into the sunset after the train like a demented frisbee, cursing under your breath as you trudge back to Rogueport’s plaza. You suppose this isn’t the end to your journalistic adventures, but first… you could use a shower.
Shroom Doom
You make your choice, snatching up the carton of broth. Holding it in your hand, you feel the liquid within slosh back and forth as you pull it from the shelf.
Zess T. nods, less with approval, and more with relief that you’re done wasting time. She takes the ingredients from your hands, and heads over to the kitchen, beginning to wash, chop, and simmer the items in a surprisingly quick timespan. Placing your chosen ingredients - now rendered down to their most malleable forms - into a pan, she places it inside the oven, turning up the temperature and setting a timer.
After a tense moment of waiting, the timer’s bell rings loud and Zess T. opens the oven door, reaching in to retrieve the pan. A thick, sickly cloud of smoke billows out, setting the fire alarm off and filling the air with a rancid stench. Coughing and sputtering, Zess T. forces the foul concoction into your hands and demands that you leave, hurling insults your way as she struggles to open a window.
You step out onto the street, Zess T. slamming the door behind you. Her OPEN sign clatters against the window as she flips it to the CLOSED position. With a sigh, you head back to the train station, covered in soot and the indelible stench of what can only be described as a culinary violation.
As you stagger onto the platform, the conductor calls for boarding. You hurry towards Anton, spying him in the crowd - but the stench of your inedible mistake assails his nostrils before your calls reach his ears. He swivels towards you, his face scrunching up as he eyes you and your hideous dish up and down.
Calmly, he produces a ticket from his pocket and tears into shreds. He produces a second ticket, and wordlessly boards the train. The train’s horn blares as it chugs to life and pulls away from the station, speeding off into the horizon.
You take a seat on the nearby bench, a scowl spreading across your face. You hurl your failed dish into the sunset after the train like a demented frisbee, cursing under your breath as you trudge back to Rogueport’s plaza. You suppose this isn’t the end to your journalistic adventures, but first… you could use a shower.
Whacka Base
You choose the strange lump. Holding it in your hand, you give it a once-over. This is… you’ve heard of these. A Whacka Bump. These are supposed to be pretty rare…
Zess T. motions to a second shelf. “Alright, bub. Over here’s the garnishes. They’re gonna be what really brings the flavor out. Pick one, and we can get to work.”
You look towards the shelf, spotting another array of ingredients… A Fire Flower, leaves cracking with volcanic power. A leaf, rendered golden by the autumn’s descent. Last but not least, a carton of Mushroom Broth, proudly displaying that it contains 30% less sodium than its competitors.
One more ingredient… Let’s see…
Choose the Fire Flower. Choose the Golden Leaf. Choose the Mushroom Broth.
Whacka Frackas
You make your choice, snatching up the glowing plant. Holding it in your hand, you feel power coursing through you. You reject the urge to consume it on its own though - getting on that train is a bit more important than throwing a fireball or two right now.
Zess T. nods, less with approval, and more with relief that you’re done wasting time. She takes the ingredients from your hands, and heads over to the kitchen, beginning to wash, chop, and simmer the items in a surprisingly quick timespan. Placing your chosen ingredients - now rendered down to their most malleable forms - into a pan, she places it inside the oven, turning up the temperature and setting a timer.
After a tense moment of waiting, the timer’s bell rings loud and Zess T. opens the oven door, reaching in to retrieve the pan. A thick, sickly cloud of smoke billows out, setting the fire alarm off and filling the air with a rancid stench. Coughing and sputtering, Zess T. forces the foul concoction into your hands and demands that you leave, hurling insults your way as she struggles to open a window.
You step out onto the street, Zess T. slamming the door behind you. Her OPEN sign clatters against the window as she flips it to the CLOSED position. With a sigh, you head back to the train station, covered in soot and the indelible stench of what can only be described as a culinary violation.
As you stagger onto the platform, the conductor calls for boarding. You hurry towards Anton, spying him in the crowd - but the stench of your inedible mistake assails his nostrils before your calls reach his ears. He swivels towards you, his face scrunching up as he eyes you and your hideous dish up and down.
Calmly, he produces a ticket from his pocket and tears into shreds. He produces a second ticket, and wordlessly boards the train. The train’s horn blares as it chugs to life and pulls away from the station, speeding off into the horizon.
You take a seat on the nearby bench, a scowl spreading across your face. You hurl your failed dish into the sunset after the train like a demented frisbee, cursing under your breath as you trudge back to Rogueport’s plaza. You suppose this isn’t the end to your journalistic adventures, but first… you could use a shower.
A Golden Dish
You make your choice, snatching up the golden leaf. Holding it in your hand, you feel a gentle crinkle as the leaf sways ever so slightly as you take it from the shelf.
Zess T. nods, less with approval, and more with relief that you’re done wasting time. She takes the ingredients from your hands, and heads over to the kitchen, beginning to wash, chop, and simmer the items in a surprisingly quick timespan. Placing your chosen ingredients - now rendered down to their most malleable forms - into a pan, she places it inside the oven, turning up the temperature and setting a timer.
After a tense moment of waiting, the timer’s bell rings loud and Zess T. opens the oven door, reaching in to retrieve the pan…
For the first time since you arrived, you see a smile spread across the grouchy Toad’s face. “Heh heh, I’ve been waiting a long time for someone with enough brains to pick those ingredients. Behold - the Zess Deluxe! You’re not as dumb as you look, maybe you’ve got a knack for this.” She places the vibrant red-and-green dish upon a plate, pushing it towards you.
“Here,” she says, “Take this, free of charge.” You thank the old chef and hurry to the train station, taking care to shield the dish as you dash through the streets. You don’t know how long you have before the Excess Express takes off, but you’re not gonna be late for this. When you finally arrive, you spy Anton, just about to join the crowd lining up to board the train. You jog towards him, thrusting the dish forward as you huff and puff in your struggle to catch your breath.
He eyes the Zess Deluxe, nodding slowly and making some mental notes before producing a fork from his bag and taking a small bite.
“Thank you! With this my review will be complete, you must stay here with me while I try this...measly amount of pasta that's not even warm...couldn't even be bothered to use an Ultra Mushroom and just used regular Mushroom....Whacka Bump with fake bump marks scratched on…”
He swallows. “It's bad... It's bad!! Thank you!!!! Here, here, have this ticket, thank you!!! And here, have the leftovers too, try it! It's bad!”
Anton passes you the dish, fishing about in his pocket for a second before presenting you with… your very own ticket to the Excess Express! You feel like a million bucks, which is probably how much the ticket cost. Deciding to humor him, you take a bite…
…Yep. It’s bad. You don’t really know what you expected.
As the conductor begins to call for boarding, you dump the rest of the Zess Deluxe in the nearest garbage can and join the queue. With a showy grin on your face, you flash your boarding pass to the conductor, who waves you on board. Walking down the ornately-decorated hall towards your room, the grin never leaves your face.
Slumming around the streets of Rogueport? Bizarre cooking puzzles? That’s all behind you now. All that awaits are three days of good food, good views, and maybe, just maybe… your next big scoop.
Bumped Broth
You make your choice, snatching up the carton of broth. Holding it in your hand, you feel the liquid within slosh back and forth as you pull it from the shelf.
Zess T. nods, less with approval, and more with relief that you’re done wasting time. She takes the ingredients from your hands, and heads over to the kitchen, beginning to wash, chop, and simmer the items in a surprisingly quick timespan. Placing your chosen ingredients - now rendered down to their most malleable forms - into a pan, she places it inside the oven, turning up the temperature and setting a timer.
After a tense moment of waiting, the timer’s bell rings loud and Zess T. opens the oven door, reaching in to retrieve the pan. A thick, sickly cloud of smoke billows out, setting the fire alarm off and filling the air with a rancid stench. Coughing and sputtering, Zess T. forces the foul concoction into your hands and demands that you leave, hurling insults your way as she struggles to open a window.
You step out onto the street, Zess T. slamming the door behind you. Her OPEN sign clatters against the window as she flips it to the CLOSED position. With a sigh, you head back to the train station, covered in soot and the indelible stench of what can only be described as a culinary violation.
As you stagger onto the platform, the conductor calls for boarding. You hurry towards Anton, spying him in the crowd - but the stench of your inedible mistake assails his nostrils before your calls reach his ears. He swivels towards you, his face scrunching up as he eyes you and your hideous dish up and down.
Calmly, he produces a ticket from his pocket and tears into shreds. He produces a second ticket, and wordlessly boards the train. The train’s horn blares as it chugs to life and pulls away from the station, speeding off into the horizon.
You take a seat on the nearby bench, a scowl spreading across your face. You hurl your failed dish into the sunset after the train like a demented frisbee, cursing under your breath as you trudge back to Rogueport’s plaza. You suppose this isn’t the end to your journalistic adventures, but first… you could use a shower.
Spaghetti Base
You choose the container of spaghetti. Holding it in your hand, you give it a shake, hearing and feeling the pasta squelch around inside the container. You question this choice. Spaghetti is pretty good, but… it’s already a finished dish…
Zess T. motions to a second shelf. “Alright, bub. Over here’s the garnishes. They’re gonna be what really brings the flavor out. Pick one, and we can get to work.”
You look towards the shelf, spotting another array of ingredients… A Fire Flower, leaves cracking with volcanic power. A leaf, rendered golden by the autumn’s descent. Last but not least, a carton of Mushroom Broth, proudly displaying that it contains 30% less sodium than its competitors.
One more ingredient… Let’s see…
Choose the Fire Flower. Choose the Golden Leaf. Choose the Mushroom Broth.
Hope You Didn't Make Lotsa Spaghetti
You make your choice, snatching up the glowing plant. Holding it in your hand, you feel power coursing through you. You reject the urge to consume it on its own though - getting on that train is a bit more important than throwing a fireball or two right now.
Zess T. nods, less with approval, and more with relief that you’re done wasting time. She takes the ingredients from your hands, and heads over to the kitchen, beginning to wash, chop, and simmer the items in a surprisingly quick timespan. Placing your chosen ingredients - now rendered down to their most malleable forms - into a pan, she places it inside the oven, turning up the temperature and setting a timer.
After a tense moment of waiting, the timer’s bell rings loud and Zess T. opens the oven door, reaching in to retrieve the pan. A thick, sickly cloud of smoke billows out, setting the fire alarm off and filling the air with a rancid stench. Coughing and sputtering, Zess T. forces the foul concoction into your hands and demands that you leave, hurling insults your way as she struggles to open a window.
You step out onto the street, Zess T. slamming the door behind you. Her OPEN sign clatters against the window as she flips it to the CLOSED position. With a sigh, you head back to the train station, covered in soot and the indelible stench of what can only be described as a culinary violation.
As you stagger onto the platform, the conductor calls for boarding. You hurry towards Anton, spying him in the crowd - but the stench of your inedible mistake assails his nostrils before your calls reach his ears. He swivels towards you, his face scrunching up as he eyes you and your hideous dish up and down.
Calmly, he produces a ticket from his pocket and tears into shreds. He produces a second ticket, and wordlessly boards the train. The train’s horn blares as it chugs to life and pulls away from the station, speeding off into the horizon.
You take a seat on the nearby bench, a scowl spreading across your face. You hurl your failed dish into the sunset after the train like a demented frisbee, cursing under your breath as you trudge back to Rogueport’s plaza. You suppose this isn’t the end to your journalistic adventures, but first… you could use a shower.
Crunchy And Tangled
You make your choice, snatching up the golden leaf. Holding it in your hand, you feel a gentle crinkle as the leaf sways ever so slightly as you take it from the shelf.
Zess T. nods, less with approval, and more with relief that you’re done wasting time. She takes the ingredients from your hands, and heads over to the kitchen, beginning to wash, chop, and simmer the items in a surprisingly quick timespan. Placing your chosen ingredients - now rendered down to their most malleable forms - into a pan, she places it inside the oven, turning up the temperature and setting a timer.
After a tense moment of waiting, the timer’s bell rings loud and Zess T. opens the oven door, reaching in to retrieve the pan. A thick, sickly cloud of smoke billows out, setting the fire alarm off and filling the air with a rancid stench. Coughing and sputtering, Zess T. forces the foul concoction into your hands and demands that you leave, hurling insults your way as she struggles to open a window.
You step out onto the street, Zess T. slamming the door behind you. Her OPEN sign clatters against the window as she flips it to the CLOSED position. With a sigh, you head back to the train station, covered in soot and the indelible stench of what can only be described as a culinary violation.
As you stagger onto the platform, the conductor calls for boarding. You hurry towards Anton, spying him in the crowd - but the stench of your inedible mistake assails his nostrils before your calls reach his ears. He swivels towards you, his face scrunching up as he eyes you and your hideous dish up and down.
Calmly, he produces a ticket from his pocket and tears into shreds. He produces a second ticket, and wordlessly boards the train. The train’s horn blares as it chugs to life and pulls away from the station, speeding off into the horizon.
You take a seat on the nearby bench, a scowl spreading across your face. You hurl your failed dish into the sunset after the train like a demented frisbee, cursing under your breath as you trudge back to Rogueport’s plaza. You suppose this isn’t the end to your journalistic adventures, but first… you could use a shower.
Soggy Noodles
You make your choice, snatching up the carton of broth. Holding it in your hand, you feel the liquid within slosh back and forth as you pull it from the shelf.
Zess T. nods, less with approval, and more with relief that you’re done wasting time. She takes the ingredients from your hands, and heads over to the kitchen, beginning to wash, chop, and simmer the items in a surprisingly quick timespan. Placing your chosen ingredients - now rendered down to their most malleable forms - into a pan, she places it inside the oven, turning up the temperature and setting a timer.
After a tense moment of waiting, the timer’s bell rings loud and Zess T. opens the oven door, reaching in to retrieve the pan. A thick, sickly cloud of smoke billows out, setting the fire alarm off and filling the air with a rancid stench. Coughing and sputtering, Zess T. forces the foul concoction into your hands and demands that you leave, hurling insults your way as she struggles to open a window.
You step out onto the street, Zess T. slamming the door behind you. Her OPEN sign clatters against the window as she flips it to the CLOSED position. With a sigh, you head back to the train station, covered in soot and the indelible stench of what can only be described as a culinary violation.
As you stagger onto the platform, the conductor calls for boarding. You hurry towards Anton, spying him in the crowd - but the stench of your inedible mistake assails his nostrils before your calls reach his ears. He swivels towards you, his face scrunching up as he eyes you and your hideous dish up and down.
Calmly, he produces a ticket from his pocket and tears into shreds. He produces a second ticket, and wordlessly boards the train. The train’s horn blares as it chugs to life and pulls away from the station, speeding off into the horizon.
You take a seat on the nearby bench, a scowl spreading across your face. You hurl your failed dish into the sunset after the train like a demented frisbee, cursing under your breath as you trudge back to Rogueport’s plaza. You suppose this isn’t the end to your journalistic adventures, but first… you could use a shower.
