The 'Shroom:Issue 208/Paper 'Shroom: Choose-Your-Own-Adventure/Pianta Parlor: Playing The Odds
Paper 'Shroom: Pianta Parlor - Playing The Odds
Pianta Parlor: Playing the Odds
With your hands on the plan, you enter the casino, ready to execute the plan for your new friends, the Robbo thieves. Your mission? Use the money fronted to you by Ishnail and stick it to Don Pianta!
Check out the slot machines. Sit at the Poker table. Roll the dice at the Craps table Spin the Roulette.
Pianta Parlor: Slots!
You peer over at the poker table and notice the dealer change hasn't quite happened yet. Because of this, you decide to calm your mind by playing a quick game on the slot machine. Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and earn yourself a little bonus! You place the coin in the slot machine, but, sadly, you don't win. Oh well, no harm, no foul. You only lose one measly token! But you should probably make your way to the poker table.
No More Slots
Your nerves settled, you decide it's time to rip the bandage off. You head over to the Poker table, sitting down just in time for the dealer switch.
Slots Again!
Not even paying attention to the poker table, you place another token in the machine. Once again, you win nothing! But in good news, it looks like the dealer switch is happening.
Whew! Almost Messed that Up!
As you're loading your next token into the slot machine, something dawns on you… "OH THAT'S RIGHT, THE PLAN", you think to yourself as you shoot up and run to the poker table, just barely making it in time for the dealer switch. It looks suspicious as hell, but you manage to play it off! If we were playing D&D, I'd say you rolled like a 16 on Charisma!
Curb Your Addiction
Um, what are you doing? The dealer switch is happening right now! No, stop! Don't put another token in the machine! Despite my protests, you put another token in the slot machine. Once again, it's no winner. Who would have thought!?
And would you look at that? The dealer switch has already happened, so the plans are in shambles, not that you seem to care, since you keep putting tokens in the slot machine and all. By the end of the night, you've blown through all the money Ishnail fronted you like a degenerate. Well, good job bozo, I hope you have some ideas for explaining what happened to the money to Ishnail, 'cause I don't!
Pianta Parlor: Craps
You peer over at the poker table and notice the dealers haven't quite switched yet. To calm yourself, you decide to shoot a little craps, just to take the edge off. You place out a small amount of tokens from the money Ishnail fronted you, which, hey I'm sure he won't notice we took a few for personal use. Hell, he might even thank us when we make him extra money. You grab the dice, blow on them for good luck, and roll them. Unfortunately, you crap out with a 12, but, hey, you only lost a few tokens. Plus, look at that, the next dealer is heading over. So, really, it's no harm, no foul!
No Dice
With your head clear and your purse just a little lighter, you decide that you can do this! You slide on over to the poker table, sitting down just as the new dealer sets himself up!
Rollout
You see the dealer heading over to the poker table but you decide you still have a little time. I mean, dice rolling doesn't take that long. You'll make it over there no problem after this next roll. And would you look at that? 7, lucky seven! See, you know what you're doing!
Not a Crap Haul
After successfully winning that game of craps, you feel good. You know, you were skeptical about this whole "scamming a casino" thing, but now? You feel good about this! You can do this! Confidently, you strut sitting down at the poker table, prepared to take these suckers for all they're worth!
A Crappy Game...
Remembering the old adage to never to quit on a winner, you decide you gotta keep riding this hot streak. Hey… Wait a second, I think we've got this backwards! It's quit while you're ahead!
Put down those dice! What are you doing!? We're not even on a hotstreak! We've won one roll! The dealer switch is happening right now!
Despite my pleas, you don't listen and instead you roll the dice. To make matters worse, because you were on a "hotstreak", you decided to wager most of what Ishnail fronted you. Then to make those matters worse, you rolled a 2 and crapped out. I hope it was worth riding that hotstreak, because you're screwed once Ishnail finds out.
Pianta Parlor: Roulette
Seeing that the dealers haven't quite switched yet, you decide to sit down at the roulette table for a quick game. You've always been partial to roulette. You're not really sure why, though. Something about how the ball spins just captivates you.
Double or Nothing? More like Nothing!
You know what? "Screw the plan," you think to yourself. Screw all this long con nonsense! You're gonna make your own luck! You put everything you own and everything Ishnail gave you on double zero. Oh baby, when this hits, you'll be gambling with Don Pianta in no time! For some reason, you're very confident in this quite frankly terrible bet, but that confidence goes away in an instant when the ball lands on 16 red.
It turns out your suicidal confidence was just suicidal, because I don't think you'll be able to talk your way out of this one when Ishnail finds out!
You're in the Red
You know what? "Screw the plan," you think to yourself. Screw all this long con nonsense! You're gonna make your own luck! You decide to take all the money you have and bet it on red. Sure, the payout might not be that great, but it'll give you a huge advantage at the poker table. The dealer smiles after you call out your bet. As you watch the ball spin, you realize that, much to your horror, the dealer had placed the brass ball in the wheel. You can only watch helplessly as the ball lands in the double zero. All the money fronted to you by Ishnail is gone in an instant. If only you would have followed the plan…
Black-Out...
You know what? "Screw the plan," you think to yourself. Screw all this long con nonsense! You're gonna make your own luck! You decide to take all the money you have and bet it on black. Sure, the payout might not be that great, but it'll give you a huge advantage at the poker table. The dealer smiles after you call out your bet. As you watch the ball spin, you realize that, much to your horror, the dealer had placed the brass ball in the wheel. You can only watch helplessly as the ball lands in the double zero. All the money fronted to you by Ishnail is gone in an instant. If only you would have followed the plan…
Wheel Me Away
As you go to sit down at the table, you suddenly realize something. "Wait, no, we've got a plan and I've got to stick to the plan". With that, you excuse yourself, apologizing to the roulette dealer and heading on over to the poker table, sitting down just in time for the dealer change.
Pianta Parlor: Poker Table
Sitting down at the table with a fresh dealer and a fresh deck, you're strangely confident in your abilities. Sure, you don't know all the rules of poker and, sure, the many different combinations are scary, but you've gotten the tip from Garf and the Pianta Parlor was nice enough to provide a little card explaining the different types of hands!
You know what? You can do this! Sitting at the table with you are two Piantas, a Goomba, and a Pokey. You place your chips on the table as the dealer deals the cards. Your first cards are an ace of hearts and a 3 of hearts. Since you're third in the order, before you go, the Pianta at the front of the table raises twenty while the Goomba checks. What do you do?
Rogueport Fold 'Em
What? You're trying to fold? What are you doing? This isn't the plan? What do you mean you don't want to do this anymore and that casinos are mean and scary> You know what? No, I don't care! You don't fold! Get back in there and place this hand, damn it!
Pianta Parlor: Poker Table - Second Hand
Still sitting down at the table with the dealer, you ready yourself for another round. You're slightly more familiar with the rules, but the many different combinations are still scary. You can do it this time! You try to calm yourself as the cards are sent out. The other players are the same as before, since they haven't left. You have a Goomba, two Piantas, and a Pokey. You place your chips on the table. Miraculously, your first cards are an ace of hearts and a 3 of hearts, just like before. Something about this hand is odd, but you can't put your finger on it. Once again, the Pianta at the front raises 20 coins while the Goomba checks before it's your turn. What do you do?
A Coward is You...
Oh, for heaven's sakes, what are you even scared of? WHY ARE YOU CRYING? Okay fine, fine, you win! You can fold like a wimp. But I don't want to see you around this CYOA anymore! Go play Franklin's Reading World or some other baby game for babies
Unfun Gambler
You place all your chips on the table, confidently declaring you're going All-In. Everyone at the table folds, immediately groaning over the presence of a jokester at the table. You win the pot, but it's not much, maybe 100 coins or so. To make matters worse, nobody wants to play with you at the table since it's clear you're just some amateur who's going to ruin the rest of their experience.
You return to the Robbo Thieves with your haul and let's just say Ishnail isn't very impressed with what you've done and doesn't welcome you into his gang. Instead, he bitterly takes all the money from you, lamenting how you've ruined his big score. Also, by the time you get done with everything, all of the other events you could have done have already passed, so you're left with little more than writing a pretty sub-standard review of the Pianta Parlor for Critic Corner. If we're being honest, it's only just barely above the line of acceptable quality for a 'Shroom section.
Match the Bets
You look at your hand. It's not bad, but without seeing any of the flop cards, you're not confident about raising the bet. Instead, you call, which isn't a bad move, all things considered. The other Pianta and the Pokey both check. The first flop card is flipped, revealing a 5 of hearts.
Pressing Your Luck
You look at your cards and they're alright, you think. Looking at your little card explaining hands and such, you see that, while these cards don't really do anything themselves, an Ace is a high card and they're both in the same suit, so you decide you're gonna raise the stakes a little bit. You raise 40 coins. Everybody at the table checks your raise. The first flop card flips, revealing a 5 of hearts.
An Early Blow...
You're studying the cards, looking at your little cheat table. You realize that, if everything flips right, you could have a flush. As they say, fortune favors the bold. You push all your chips to the table, "all-in," you say. Everyone folds except the Pianta on the end, who simply and wordlessly pushes his chips to the table.
The next flop card flips, revealing a 7 of hearts! Oh my god, you're gonna do this! You're gonna get a flush! The final card flips and…oh no, it's a 6 of spades. The Pianta bursts into a hearty laugh, throwing down his cards and revealing he had an 8 of clubs and a 4 of diamonds, AKA a straight, for those who don't know.
He happily and greedily collects his chips as you can only stare on in shock. You bet it all and lost, and I doubt Ishnail will be happy.
Calling Again
This time both the Pianta and the Goomba check. You look at the cards in your hand and the flop card on the table. Okay, well, that didn't really do anything, you think. I mean, now you've got three cards of the same suit, which could mean a flush, but what are the odds of all five flop cards being a heart? Low, right? Yeah, probably low.
Because of this, you decide to call. WIth only one card flipped, both the Pokey and Pianta check as well. The next card to flip is a 7 of hearts. After seeing this card, one of the Piantas and the Goomba fold. You're at the front of the line now.
Calling the Second Flip
This time both the Pianta and the Goomba check. You look at the cards in your hand and the flop card on the table. Okay, well, that didn't really do anything, you think. I mean, now you've got three cards of the same suit, which could mean a flush, but what are the odds of all five flop cards being a heart? Low, right? Yeah, probably low.
Because of this, you decide to call. With only one card flipped, both the Pokey and Pianta check as well. The next card to flip is a 7 of hearts. After seeing this card, one of the Piantas and the Goomba fold. You're at the front of the line now.
Raising This Time
You study the table and realize you could have a shot at a flush. Because of this and knowing you only have one hand to win as much as possible, you decide to raise another 40. Seeing this, one of the Piantas and the Goomba fold, but the Pokey and Other Pianta both call your raise. The flop card flips and it's a 7 of hearts. With the Pianta and the Goomba both folding, you're at the front of the line.
Raising Again
You study the table and realize you could have a shot at a flush. Because of this and knowing you only have one hand to win as much as possible, you decide to raise another 40. Seeing this, one of the Piantas and the Goomba fold, but the Pokey and Other Pianta both call your raise. The flop card flips and it's a 7 of hearts. With the Pianta and the Goomba both folding,
A Boring Outcome
You still aren't sure what to make of these cards. I mean, you've got nothing. Your only hope is that the last flop card is a heart. If not, you got squat. I mean, what's your best hope if not a flush? A pair of aces? Oh god, that isn't going to win anything.
You decide to play it safe and call again. Everyone remains in the game, with the final card being revealed as an 8 of hearts. You win the pot and you're elated, but then you realize you didn't win anywhere near enough money to make yourself look like a master gambler. Realizing your mistake, you try to make up for it by playing more hands of poker, but the cards are no longer in your favor and slowly but surely the two Piantas whittle you down to nothing.
By the time they're through with you, you've been reduced to only a handful of chips! You walk out of the casino, having failed Ishnail. You contemplate running, but remembering what he said, you decide to head back to tell him the news, knowing you don't have much of a future left.
Calling This Victory!
You look at the cards and you can just taste it! That flush is as good as yours! You think about raising, but you realize it's probably best to just play it a little safe. You check the bet as the Pokey folds. The Pianta studies his cards for a second before raising on you!
Wait, he can do that? What a jerk! But you're not gonna let this hand go to waste. You call his raise with confidence. The final card flips and it's an 8 of hearts. The Pianta laughs, throwing down his cards - a 4 of diamonds and a 6 of spades. But you simply laugh in response as you throw down your cards, revealing you've got the five hearts (AKA a flush, and, as it says on your little cheater table, a flush beats a straight). You scoop up your winnings, triumphantly bidding the poker players adieu and heading to the roulette table for part two of your master plan!
Raising Sweep!
You look at the cards and you can just taste it! That flush is as good as yours! You think about raising, but you realize it's probably best to just play it a little safe. You check the bet as the Pokey folds. The Pianta studies his cards for a second before raising on you!
Wait, he can do that? What a jerk! But you're not gonna let this hand go to waste. You call his raise with confidence. The final card flips and it's an 8 of hearts. The Pianta laughs, throwing down his cards - a 4 of diamonds and a 6 of spades. But you simply laugh in response as you throw down your cards, revealing you've got the five hearts (AKA a flush, and, as it says on your little cheater table, a flush beats a straight). You scoop up your winnings, triumphantly bidding the poker players adieu and heading to the roulette table for part two of your master plan!
All-In This Win!
You look at the cards and you can just feel it. That last card is gonna be a heart. It doesn't even matter what heart it is, it just has to be a heart! Now is the time! That's right, now is the time for bold action. You push all your chips to the table, staking it all on this one hand. Seeing the fire in your eyes, the Pokey folds. The Pianta, though, stands up, looking you straight in the eyes.
"You think you can fool me, boy, but you can't! You've got nothing!" He says as he calls, pushing all his chips to the table.
The final flop card flips. It's a 5 of hearts. The Pianta begins to laugh.
"See boy, I told ya you got nothing, and now you've lost it all. Read it and weep! A 4 of diamonds and a 6 of spades, that's right! A straight! Now give me all your chips," he says.
Seeing his hand, you realize you've won! You did it! You savor your victory for just a moment before turning to the Pianta.
"Sir, you may have a straight, but I've got the heart of the cards," you say as you show your hand. It's an ace of hearts and a 3 of hearts, AKA, a flush. The Pianta sits down, stunned that he lost, and you collect your winnings before heading to the roulette table.
Pianta Parlor: Roulette - With Winnings!
With the winnings in your hand and a murmur filling the air, you head to the roulette table to execute step two of the master plan.
Improbably Lucky
You place all your chips on the table at once. Seeing this, the Pianta dealer plays right into your hands. Thinking that you're betting everything and thinking he'll wipe you out in one go, you see the Pianta pull out a small brass ball, loading it into the wheel. Smugly, he asks you your bet. Oh, if only he could see his own face when you tell him "double zero". Upon hearing your bet, all the color drains from his face. He stammers for a second, not knowing what to do. Unfortunately for him, it's not like he can just grab another ball. That would reveal the whole scam!
With great reluctance and knowing he's screwed up, he's left with no choice but to let the ball spin. Spin it does, and, sure enough, it lands on that sweet, sweet double zero. You're given a huge sack full of chips. Before you can even collect all your winnings, two Piantas walk up to you.
"Da Boss would like to see you," one says.
Roulette With Winnings! Red Please!
You sit down at the table, studying the table. You know to look out for a little brass ball, but you don't see it. You decide that what you need to do is bait the dealer just a little bit, so you throw a few chips on red. The ball spins around and around and around before landing on black 26. It's a loser of spin, but that's okay! This was just a bait!
Roulette With Winnings! Red!
Still, though, you don't see the dealer pull out the brass ball, so you decide you gotta set the bait just a little bit more. You gotta make him think you're a real high roller! This time, you put even more chips on red. Again the ball spins around and around and around before landing on black 35. Again you lose, but I'm sure this dealer will understand you're a high roller and try to trick you with the brass ball!
Roulette With Winnings! Black Please!
You sit down at the table, studying the table. You know to look out for a little brass ball, but you don't see it. You decide that what you need to do is bait the dealer just a little bit, so you throw a few chips on black. The ball spins around and around and around before landing on red 30. It's a loser of spin, but that's okay! This was just a bait!
Roulette With Winnings! Black!
Still, though, you don't see the dealer pull out the brass ball, so you decide you gotta set the bait just a little bit more. You gotta make him think you're a real high roller! This time, you put even more chips on black. Again the ball spins around and around and around before landing on red 3. Again you lose, but I'm sure this dealer will understand you're a high roller and try to trick you with the brass ball!
Roulette and In-Debt...
After two bets, you still don't see the brass ball. You continue to try and bait the dealer into bringing it out. Now, in your desperation, you furiously switch between red and black. What you never figure out is that, by betting piecemeal like this, you're just playing right into the dealer's hands. Since you keep throwing moderate bets at him, there's just no reason for break out a special ball. After all, it appears to him you're happy to just throw your money at him anyways! By the time this is all over, you've busted out.
I can tell you what, Ishnail is not gonna be happy to hear you've ruined his carefully laid plans!
Pianta Parlor: Don Pianta!
You're led to a back room where, sitting at the end of the table with a deck of cards in his hands, sits the fearsome Don Pianta, who motions you to sit down.
"I hear you've been on quite the hotstreak out there. Now most people who come in here, they lose their shirts. This place is a real money-making machine. Even those that manage to win a small profit are just a drop in the bucket to those who lose it all. But you? You seem to be an exception. In fact, it seems you can't lose, almost like you know exactly what to do. It's peculiar, if you ask me, 'cause you don't really look like the gambling type," he says. "But I'm not mad. No, quite the opposite. I like a good gamble now and then, so here's what we're gonna do. Me and you, we're gonna play a nice hand of my favorite game - blackjack. You're gonna place the money you've won from us up for grabs, and I'm gonna match it. Winner of the hand takes all. I'll even throw in free blimp tickets for a private ride to Glitzville. That's a hot commodity this year, what with the big tournament happening right now. So what do ya say, kid, will you play a game with me?"
Foolish Gambit!
Seeing him up close, you realize just how terrifying Don Pianta is. You don't wanna do this anymore! You just wanna go home! You attempt to decline to play with him. Hearing you decline, however, causes Don Pianta to drop his calm facade. Feeling insulted, he orders men to collect your winnings. When you attempt to protest, he follows up that order by ordering his men to "take care of the kid". I guess if there's a lesson in all this, it's "don't piss off the leader of the mafia"!
Don Pianta: Blackjack
"Deal the cards," you say as you place your chips on the table. Don Pianta smiles. "Excellent. There's just one little rule in my Parlor. Here at the Pianta Parlor, dealer wins in a tie!" he says as he deals out the cards, dealing you out two cards. You have a 2 of hearts and a 4 of spades. Current total? Six!
Low is No!
Uh, what are you doing? Why are you staying? You only have six! What? What do you mean you thought blackjack was scored on golf rules! Unsurprisingly, your lack of knowledge on the rules of blackjack proves your undoing.
Your six is no match for Don Pianta's 20. You made it all the way to the final hurdle but failed because apparently nobody thought to clue you in on the rules of blackjack!
Hit Me Up, Jack!
This one is obvious. Of course you take a hit! You only have six! Your next card is a queen of clubs, giving you a total of sixteen points.
Stay Outta 'Da Club!
Cautiously, you decide to stay. After all, you don't want to bust. It's a safe play, I guess. I mean, there are only five legal numbers you can add to sixteen without going bust. Unfortunately, your safe play doesn't work out, as Don Pianta manages to get 20 points. You lose it all on this single hand. I guess the lesson here is that being overly cautious has its own dangers!
A Decent Hand
Sixteen is pretty good and this is pretty borderline, but you realize Don Pianta hasn't busted nor has he held his cards. You weigh your options. It's a tough one, but in the end you decide to roll the dice and call for a hit! Don Pianta deals you a card and it's a 3 of diamonds. Don Pianta then deals himself another card before deciding to stay. Your current total is nineteen.
Not High Enough...
Nineteen is a pretty good total! And there's only two cards (aces are low) that can get you a total higher than nineteen without busting, so you decide to stay because it's the logical thing to do. UNFORTUNATELY, LOGIC HAS NO PLACE IN GAMBLING! Don Pianta throws down a 20 and collects all the winnings.
You played smart and still lost. I guess the lesson here is… don't gamble? I don't know! It seems right to me!
Risky Business
Thinking of what Ishnail said about how Don Pianta always holds 18 or higher, you realize something. If you've got 19 and he's held his cards, that means that, since the dealer wins in a tie, you've only got a 25% chance of beating him with your current hand. Because of this and realizing everything is on the line, you call for another hit.
This is the moment of truth! Either you're gonna get a blackjack or it's all gonna be for naught (technically you could also get an ace, but, spoiler alert, you don't). Your last chance flips… and it's a 2 of spades, giving you 21!
That's right, you did it! You won! The plan worked to perfection! You begin to collect your winnings, all those thousands of coins and the blimp ticket. There's a lot of tension in the room as Don Pianta's goons wait for a signal. Don Pianta stands up and you begin to think you might be in trouble as the goons begin to walk towards you, but then Don Pianta begins clapping.
"I'm impressed. Nobody has ever won this much against the house. I concede defeat. Take your winnings," he says coolly.
You start pocketing the winnings happily when Don Pianta grabs you. "Just know this. If I ever see you in this Parlor again, they'll never find the body," he says menacingly.
Luckily for you, that's not going to be a problem! You gleefully leave the Parlor much richer than you entered. Now all that remains is a trip to the Robbo Gang HQ to share the good news and split the loot.
Loot that… you worked hard for, and that… you'll barely get a cut from if you split it with all those guys…
Caught Red-Handed
You begin to head east to share the news of your success with Ishnail and the rest of the Robbo Gang, but then something hits you. Why exactly should you share this wealth with that gang of cutthroats? Yeah, sure, maybe they fronted you a little cash, but you did all the work! You took all the risks.
You know what? Screw them! You don't owe them anything! And you know what? Screw Shoey! Screw The 'Shroom. You decide you're going to charter a private boat back to the mainland and live the life of luxury you always deserved!
Uh, well, that's your plan, but it turns out that Ishnail anticipated you attempting to cut and run. As you try to enter the harbor, you're grabbed and pulled into an alley where you look up to see a very angry Ishnail staring at you. Realizing your mistake, you attempt to convince him that this has all been a misunderstanding, claiming you just got lost, is all! But it's obvious you're lying!
I don't think this game's age rating will let me tell you what happened next, but let's just say you learn a very important lesson about stealing from criminals!
