The 'Shroom:Issue 208/Paper 'Shroom: Choose-Your-Own-Adventure/Palace of Shadow
Paper 'Shroom: Palace of Shadow
Approaching the Thousand-Year Door
Slowly, you take a few cautious steps towards the now-wide-open doorway that lies before you, the darkness within almost seeming to spill outwards into the greater chamber. Behind you, you hear a wavering - yet ecstatic - voice.
“H-how did you…? The door, it’s… open?” The Professor scrambles to join you, frantically taking notes as he examines the four pillars and the mysterious puzzle that kept the door sealed until now. “Of course…” he nods, running his hand along the carvings that formerly held your own attention. “Each of these depicts a location, and these locations you’ve pressed in… Why, they correspond to the rumored resting place of a Crystal Star! How on earth did you know that?”
He shakes his head. “No, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we’ve just made the greatest archaeological discovery of the decade - maybe the century! My funding is certainly secured now!” He pauses, clearing his throat. “And… I suppose you’ve got your big scoop as well.”
Largely ignoring him in your journalistic stupor, you continue moving forward, until you’re face-to-face with the ominous dark beyond the door. Something about it gives you a bad feeling.
Peer inside the Thousand-Year Door Close the Thousand-Year Door
Door Won't Budge
Moving to the side, you examine the large door itself rather than the space within. Towering above you in monolithic glory and made of an unknown metallic substance, it seems to be about as heavy as you’d expect. Still, something about this door is freaking you out. Better close it back up.
You grab one of the doors and attempt to push it closed, your shoes skidding against the stone floor as you ineffectually push. Sweat drips from your brow as you ceaselessly shove to no avail. You grit your teeth and try again, a grunt bursting from your throat as a vein on your forehead begins to bulge.
…The Professor smacks you on the back of the head, snapping you out of it.
Why exactly did you think that would work, again?
The Palace of Shadow
You cautiously peer into the Thousand-Year Door… The darkness is cloying, utterly strangling. After a moment, you hear strained grunting as The Professor lugs over one of the halogen lamps from the Excavation Project, holding it aloft in order to allow a better look.
A tunnel stretches downwards, its brickwork walls and ornately-decorated stairs disappearing into the bowls of the earth. Along the walls, strange symbols appear to be scrawled, unlike any language you’ve seen before. The Professor places the lamp on the ground and pulls a pencil from his cloak, replicating the symbols in his notebook presumably for later reference.
You take a step forward, planting your foot upon the first step. You feel a hand on your shoulder as the Professor stops you. “Well, we can’t take this lamp any further down, so take this.” He passes you a small flashlight. You click it on, a pale beam shining into the gloom below - a bit farther than the lamp.
“Now, obviously you’ll be going first, so you should be careful. This place has been buried for an unspeakable length of time. Who knows what’s going on with the structural integrity! That’s for us - mostly you - to figure out.”
You nod. On one hand, you agree. The careful approach is probably better, but on the other hand…
A Trip to the Afterlife
While he may have a point, discovery waits for no one! You break away from the Professor, dashing down the stairs at an impressive speed. He calls a warning after you, but you ignore his plea and continue on. The flashlight beam bounces up and down in your hand as you run, and as your foot catches on a loose brick, your guiding light flies out of your hand, spinning through the air.
Likewise, you do much the same. Flying through the air, you land on the stairs hard, tumbling downwards and smacking into each and every step along the way as you too fall downwards into the shadows below.
He warned you about the stairs, bro.
Finally, you hit the bottom. Bones broken, surrounded by darkness, and with no small amount of head trauma, the most you can do is wheeze in pain before your consciousness fades…
Dark Descent
You continue carefully down the staircase, heeding his warning. Shining the flashlight on the steps, you’re grateful that you did. While the entryway appears mostly pristine, several of the stairs further down are riddled with fallen bricks from the hallway’s walls. You could’ve taken a nasty fall if you decided to sprint down instead.
Step-by-step, you continue walking deeper and deeper - the Professor a short distance behind you. “Fascinating,” he comments, taking in the strange symbology covering the walls. “Much of the city ruins overlap with our sewer system, so whatever’s down here this deep… it must be something else entirely! Just imagine!”
Yeah, you don’t have to imagine anything. These stairs go deep alright, your aching legs can attest to that.
You take another step downwards… when you feel the next step sink downwards under your weight. Much like the chamber outside the Thousand-Year Door earlier, the stairway begins to shudder and shake as an unfathomable machine turns within its walls. The Professor braces himself against the tunnel’s wall as the stairs around you begin to crack and split violently.
“A-a booby trap!” He exclaims, before putting his hand to his chin and thinking for a second. “You know, I really should’ve expected something like th-” Another tremor ripples through the passage, the stairs around you cracking further and giving way, tumbling into the abyss below.
The Professor extends a hand as the ground between the two of you crumbles into nothingness. “Quickly!” He exclaims, “Grab my hand!”
You look around wildly, considering your options as your life flashes before your eyes.
Not an Adventurer Eh?
No, it’s too dangerous to keep going. You launch yourself over the growing pit, grabbing his hand as you plummet downwards. His arm is pulled taut as you dangle over whatever lies below, your heart pounding in your chest. With a groan of pain, he pulls you upward, and your other hand finds purchase on the stairs beneath his feet.
You pull yourself up, and the two of you proceed to scramble up the stairway, bursting out of the Thousand-Year Door. After a moment of catching your breath, you share a glance with the Professor. Whatever’s down there… you suppose it’s staying down there. It’s far too dangerous to attempt to go back.
He determines that the safest course of action would be to call in assistance to secure the site before further exploration. You return to Rogueport for now, booking a stay at the Inn while you wait for updates. Unfortunately… you might have overestimated the speed at which this kind of thing gets done. Long before the site is reopened for exploration, you’re due back at the ‘Shroom HQ.
Setting sail along with the rest of the staff… you can’t help but wonder what could have been.
Oh well. You might be stuck writing tabloid articles like “Old Man Sees Duck” and “Zess Deluxe Actually Pretty Bad” for the rest of your career, but if nothing else… somewhere out there, you made it into a research paper or two’s footnotes.
If only that came with a pay raise.
Dropping In
You shout an apology to the Professor, but you’re not about to give up now. Whether you die down here, or whether you abandon your expedition prematurely and flee… either way you’re losing the story of a lifetime. At least if you press on… there’s a chance you’ll live to tell it.
Surrounded by nothingness as the stairs crumble away, you close your eyes and turn away from the Professor, ignoring his protests as you make a leap of faith for solid ground.
You completely miss your mark, plummeting downwards into the dark, your flashlight falling alongside you. You expect to fall forever, or at least for hours… but about ten feet down from where the stairs begin to collapse, you land hard on something solid, knocking the wind from your lungs.
You cough, sitting upright and fumbling for your flashlight - thankfully having landed right next to you. As your fingers wrap around it, you hear another cracking sound, and feel the surface beneath you shift. Before you can react, the ground collapses like the stairs before you, and you fall… another ten feet, give or take.
Groaning, you sit up, taking in your surroundings.
Observationist
You look around the room, confused. Unlike the stairway, this area is well-lit, bathed in a bluish glow emanating from patterns etched on the walls and support pillars. In the center of the room is a strange mechanism, almost like a model of the solar system but… wrong. Nonsensical.
Standing up, you brush yourself off and look upwards through the hole you fell through to get here. The Professor stares downwards from above.
“Hey! Are you okay?” He shouts. You nod affirmatively, and he breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay, just uh… stay there for now. I’ll try to get help or… something.” As he moves away from the hole and scurries up the stairs, you swear you can hear him muttering under his breath. Something about how his department definitely can’t handle a lawsuit.
You’re sure it's nothing.
Still, you’re stuck down here for now… wherever this is. Might as well kill some time, though you’d better be careful to avoid any more traps. There is, of course, the strange solar system model in the center of the room, but you suppose you could try to stack some rubble and climb out - at least to the site of your second fall, if not the staircase you initially came down.
Thank god for these glowing pillars, it’s nice to be able to see.
Stack rubble. Inspect the strange mechanism. Inspect glowing pillars.
The Pillars
You inspect the pillars lining the room. Unlike the ones outside the door, these don’t seem to have any sort of puzzle to them. Nothing to push in, nothing to manipulate. Just support pillars, inlaid with glowing blue crystals. Honestly, they give the room an eerie vibe, the ghostly blue glow casting shadows that seem entirely too wrong and strangely shaped.
You touch the crystals, finding them to be surprisingly cool to the touch. Withdrawing your hand, you turn back towards the room. Doesn’t look like there’s anything you can really do with these.
Stoned…
Before anything, you should probably secure an exit route. You could wait around for the Professor, but there’s no guarantee he’ll come back anytime soon. Slowly, you begin the process of stacking up the rubble from the roof in hopes of climbing your way out. It’s certainly not a speedy process, but it’s not like you have anything better to do.
When your pile is complete, you take a step back and look around… It seems like if you jumped from the top, you might be able to grab the edge of your entry hole. Taking careful steps up the shaky, uneven pile, you begin to make a leap of faith towards the hole. Underneath you, the pile collapses, the sudden movement and pressure disrupting its fragile structure.
As the rubble gives way, your jump falters - your foot failing to find a solid surface from which to propel yourself from. You crash downwards, your head smacking hard against the floor.
…When you come to later, there’s no sign of the Professor. Perhaps he arrived while you were out, perhaps he never returned at all. Looks like you’re trapped, forever entombed deep beneath the Thousand-Year Door.
Unlocking a Way
You inspect the strange mechanism. Nothing else to do, and you figure that stacking the rubble might be more than a little dangerous. You approach the model of the solar system, examining it closer. Maybe it’s… not a planetary model at all. Actually, you aren’t sure… what this strange machine is. It resembles a planetarium display, but it doesn’t seem to line up with any model of the solar system that you’re aware of.
You reach out, touching the pedestal upon which the model sits. Noticing a large stone carving of a stone inlaid in the pedestal, you notice that it seems similar to the carvings in the pillars back outside the Thousand-Year Door. You give it a gentle push as it retreats into the pedestal. The room begins to shake and rumble as the strange model rises into the air, beginning to rotate and spin.
With a series of loud clunks, the floor behind the machine sinks into the ground, step-by-step, forming… a staircase.
Pursuing Below
As the device continues to rotate slowly behind you, you carefully approach the stairs. Unlike the stairs down here, they seem to be well-maintained and decorated, lit with the same glowing crystals as the rest of the strange room. You take a breath, gathering your resolve as you begin to walk downwards - keeping an extra eye out for booby traps, just in case.
Thankfully, your descent is uninterrupted, and you reach the bottom safely, finding yourself in yet another strange room.
The room is… largely bare, with no such bizarre contraption situated in the center - though the architecture beyond that resembles the upper room you came from. Instead… a large purple door is set into the opposite wall, a keyhole in its center.
Along the walls bordering the door, you spot several large keys hanging from small hooks, each with a unique pattern and design. While the keys are diverse in construction, none of them seem to clearly match the aesthetics of the door on the opposite side of the room. You frown as you inspect them.
This seems to be the only way forward… but which key opens it?
Key-ful Decisions...
You begin to inspect the keys, one by one. There’s about seven of them in total, though they couldn’t be more different from each other.
The first key, a clear crystalline color, appears to be constructed of pure ice. Cold to the touch, it hurts to hold for too long.
The second key, golden and shining, seems to be polished to perfection. You attempt to lift it from the hook, but it’s rather heavy. You’d probably have to hold this thing with two hands.
The third key, black and twisted, is lined with dangerous thorns. To lift this key would probably require extreme care to not puncture your skin.
The fourth key, similar to the second, is a bright shining gold. The key isn’t quite as large and hefty as the second, but a smiling mask hangs from the wall above it, appearing to watch you.
The fifth key… Well, it looks like someone’s car key. Small and pretty cheap, with a surprisingly modern design. You doubt it’d fit in the keyhole at all, but looks can be deceiving.
The sixth key, made of rough stone, seems as though it must have been hewn from the walls of the greater cavern itself.
The seventh key… seems to have been carved crudely from wood. Several branches shoot off from it, sprouting even now into green leaves.
Hm. You don’t want to risk a booby trap again - or worse. Seems like you might only get one chance. Think, think… How on earth are you going to get this stupid thing open?
Try the Ice Key. Try the Heavy Golden Key. Try the Thorny Key. Try the Key Below the Mask. Try the Car Key. Try the Stone Key. Try the Wooden Key. Push on the Door.
Chill Out
Out of all of these… you think the Ice Key is probably your best bet. You’ve played Banjo-Tooie, you know this does something at least. You reach out and pick up the icy key, gripping it in your hand. The sheer cold of the key bites into your flesh, but you grit your teeth and muscle through it, placing it in the lock and giving it a mighty twist.
…Nothing happens.
You try to pull the key out… but it’s stuck. Frozen right into the lock. You try to let go of the key, but you can’t even manage that. Your hand is firmly frozen to the key. You pull and pull, but the pain is unbearable. You sink to the floor, the cold spreading even further through your body as ice crystals form around you, enveloping your body.
You try to scream, but the ice quickly covers your mouth and nose, stifling your breath forevermore.
Totally Tubular
With both hands, you lift the golden key. It’s awfully hefty, but you manage to lug it over to the door before long. You place it into the keyhole and give it a twist. To your surprise, after a low grinding sound resonates throughout the room, the keyhole suddenly begins to grow large, no longer just a keyhole but a hole in reality itself.
You drop the key and attempt to run, but the keyhole swallows you whole.
You find yourself… no longer in the room you started in. Instead, nothing but blackness surrounds you - save for the word “SPECIAL” written in stars far above you. Below your feet… find yourself standing on a yellow circle, surrounded by a patch of blue land. Somewhere in the darkness in front of the land, you spy another word, in a strange blocky font.
“Tubular”
…Well. Looks like you’ll be here a while. Hope you’ve been stockpiling 1-ups.
Filled With Red
You choose the thorny key. After all, no pain, no gain. This is probably some kind of test of willpower or something. Some preachy junk like that. You grimace as you grab the key and pull it from the hook, the thorns embedding themselves in your hands and drawing blood. You try to put that out of your mind as you grip the thorny key tightly and plunge it into the door.
You turn the key, a low rumble rippling through the walls. Without warning, blood begins to pour from the keyhole at a rapid pace, filling the room. You turn for the stairs, only to see that that’ve disappeared. Your eyes dart around, looking for any escape route - but as the blood begins to reach your torso you realize that… there’s nowhere left to go.
As the levels continue to rise, reaching your neck, then your head… you resign yourself to your fate, not even bothering to hold your breath.
Beneath the Mask
Creepy mask be damned, this key at least seems… normal. You shrug, taking it from the hook. Suddenly… the mask begins to shake and vibrate, piercing eyes now shining in its sockets. The mask tears itself from the wall and rushes towards you at blinding speed. You turn around, dashing towards the stairs, but the mask slams into you from behind, knocking you to the ground.
Before you can even process what’s happening… the mask latches itself to your face and you black out.
You come to later, staring down at the room - albeit from a higher position than before. You attempt to move, but find yourself immobilized, unable to move even an inch. As you look around the room, you realize something horrifying. Below your vantage point, hanging on a hook… is the golden key you took earlier.
You see a figure walk into view, you can barely believe your eyes. If you could move a muscle on your face, you’d gasp in pure terror. Wearing the same smile as the mask above the key once did… is your own self, standing before you. The smile spreads even wider as the figure laughs silently, before turning to the staircase and leaving you behind to assume the mask’s duty and guard the key forevermore.
Boring is Better Than Bad
You pick up the key resembling the car key. This has to be some Indiana Jones thing, right? The worst key is obviously the one that would work. You take the car key off the hook and try it in the door’s keyhole.
…Yeah, it doesn’t fit. Nice one, einstein.
That Rocks!
You turn towards the Stone Key. This place does seem fairly ancient, naturally the key to this door would be ancient, too. Solid logic. You lift the stone key from its hook, feeling the weight in your hand. It's certainly not light, but whatever stone it's made from doesn't seem to be the most dense. Placing the key inside the lock, you give it a twist.
A rumbling sounds through the walls as the door opens wide. You breathe a sigh of relief. Looks like you chose correctly.
Beyond the door is a long hallway, resembling the prior rooms in design. You follow it for a while, until you come to a fork in the road. One hallway remains brightly lit by the luminescent pillars, the other darkens partway through into a pitch blackness.
Dark Fate
You consider taking the brightly lit hall, but it's an obvious trap, right? You walk into the darkness, braving the shadows within.
You walk for what feels like hours in the dark, no direction to go besides “forwards”. You walk and walk, until… your next step finds no ground. Unable to see, you tumble over the side of a vast pit. The last thing you think before you collide with the long, deadly spikes at the bottom is that you sure wish you took better care of that flashlight from earlier.
Hallways End
Yeah, you're not about to go fumbling around in the dark. You logically take the brightly lit hallway, casually strolling along. You walk for a while, but… there's no sign of an end.
You quicken your pace, annoyed at how much you're having to walk around today. You didn't really expect to be putting in this much exercise, really. Eventually though, you reach the hallway’s end. By that, you DO mean the end. At the end of the hallway is no door, no stairway, no turns or twists. Nothing. You roll your eyes, your annoyance deepening as you turn around.
With a loud crash, a massive spikes ball bursts through the ceiling, rolling towards you. You turn back around, but once again… There's nowhere to go. You press yourself against the wall as the ball rolls closer and closer, but it's no use in the end. The ball rolls over you, crushing you flat.
Your critics always did call your articles flat and lifeless. At least now you truly embody your work.
Branch-Bearer
Out of all the keys… the one is certainly the strangest. You take the wooden key from its hook, the sprouting leaves gently swaying as you insert it into the lock. With a gentle turn… the door swings wide open, revealing… a lush forest.
Eyes wide with wonder, you step through the door. How could something like this even be down here? Turning your gaze skyward, you can barely see the sun shining through the thick canopy. That… shouldn’t be possible though. You swivel around, only to find that the door that led you here has vanished entirely.
You gulp, the reality of the situation setting in. There’s… no way out. Wherever the door took you, you’ll have to rough it for a while. It’s a good thing you took that survivalist class in high school.
Open Sesame
You know what? This is too complicated.
All these wacky keys… you spend a while running various scenarios through your head. Maybe they’re cursed and they do something weird. Maybe they don’t work at all? Maybe they’ll break, leaving the door inoperable as the key’s remnants jam the mechanism. Who says it’s even locked to begin with?
You just walk up to the door and push on it.
…
The door swings wide open, revealing a landing that spills over into another stairway like the first, descending even deeper. Well, you think to yourself, that was rather anticlimactic. You walk down the stairway until you reach yet another room, once again identical to the first in floorplan - though this one seems… significantly less bizarre than either room so far.
The circular room is lined with paintings, like some sort of art gallery. There doesn’t appear to be any way out that you can see. Might as well take in the artwork while you’re stuck here, you suppose.
Fine Art Connoisseur
You walk up to the paintings, looking them over. Something about them feels… familiar for some reason - though you can’t really discern why. A vague sense of nostalgia, nothing more. You get close to one of the paintings, noticing that the surface seems to… ripple and shift. Sticking out a hand, you reach out… and right into the painting.
You leap backwards in surprise, before composing yourself and thinking for a second. Of course, these must be your way out. You suppose you could try to climb into one, though it might be a one-way street.
You walk along the room, examining each painting like the keys before…
The first painting you come across shows some Bob-ombs, marching in single-file as though about to go to war. You suppose it represents something meaningful, but you never had a sense for art.
The second painting portrays a mountain landscape, several towering mushrooms in the background. You’ve seen locations like this in real life once or twice, your dad used to take you to the kart races at Mushroom Gorge, and this is kind of similar.
The third painting shows a tall marble tower, looming over a darkened courtyard. It’s a bit spooky, but in a quiet and tranquil way. Lonely and forgotten, you feel like the artist captured a specific atmosphere quite well.
The fourth painting displays a pirate ship, sunken deep beneath the waves. This one intrigues you - you wonder what sort of treasures the pirate ship must have held at one point, what sort of treasures it still holds.
The fifth painting shows two snowmen of different sizes, side-by-side in the winter snows. They look playful and fun, reminding you of last winter’s vacation to Shiver City. You kind of wish you could go back.
Eyes scanning the room, you weigh your options.
Jump into the Bob-omb painting. Jump into the Mountain painting. Jump into the Tower painting. Jump into the Pirate Ship painting. Jump into the Snowmen painting.
Bomb Setting
Something about this one is familiar, if nothing else. You figure it’s worth a shot, taking a running jump at the painting, eyes squeezed shut. You tumble though, falling several feet through the air and landing on… grass?
Except, it’s not really grass.
You stand up, taking a look around. Everything looks… wrong. Polygonal and uncanny. The ground itself, simply a flat plane textured to look like grass. The land before you isn’t completely flat, but the trees, the rocks, even the people, a few pink Bob-ombs… all two-dimensional, a facsimile of reality that leaves you deeply uncomfortable.
You look backwards, seeking the painting that brought you here - but your earlier assumption was correct. It’s a one-way trip, and you chose… poorly.
Throwback Attack
If this really does lead to Mushroom Gorge, you’re pretty sure you can find your way home. You figure it’s worth a shot, taking a running jump at the painting, eyes squeezed shut. You tumble though, falling several feet through the air and landing on what feels like hard stone.
You open your eyes, looking around. This… definitely isn’t Mushroom Gorge.
Everything looks… wrong. Polygonal and uncanny. The ground itself, simply a flat plane textured to look like stone. The land before you isn’t completely flat, but the mushrooms, the rocks… all two-dimensional, a facsimile of reality that leaves you deeply uncomfortable. Before you can truly react to your situation, you feel something roughly shove past you - leaving you feeling slightly lighter.
A polygonal monkey runs past - your reporter’s notebook held high in its hand. You shout in protest and chase after the thief, but quickly lose sight of the far more dextrous monkey as it disappears up the mountain.
Stranded with even your notes stolen, you head back to where you started, searching for a way out. The absence of the painting, however, leaves a pit in your stomach. It seems you were correct. It’s a one-way trip, and you chose poorly.
Ahoy!
Well, there’s supposed to be treasure down here, right? Pirates, treasure… at least there’s a common factor. You figure it’s worth a shot, taking a running jump at the painting, eyes squeezed shut. You tumble though, falling several feet through the air and landing with a splash in a body of water.
Your eyes shoot open, shocked by the frigid water. You look around, finding yourself in a large, unfathomably deep lagoon, no land in sight. You tread water, panicking for a moment, before you spy a beach, far in the distance. You exhale, relieved, and begin swimming over - until you see something in the water below you, something vast and dark moving beneath the waves.
Adrenaline kicks in, and you resume paddling - much faster this time, but it’s too late.
Before you even know what’s happening, a titanic eel bursts from the water, crunching you between its gigantic teeth in a mere moment, before disappearing back beneath the surface. As the eel returns to the sunken ship it calls home, the surface slowly returns to tranquil stillness. It’s as if nothing ever happened.
Frostbitten
The snowman painting… you always did like the winter. You figure it’s worth a shot, taking a running jump at the painting, eyes squeezed shut. You tumble though, falling several feet through the air and landing on what feels like soft snow.
You open your eyes, looking around. This… definitely isn’t Shiver City, or anywhere you’ve seen before..
Everything looks… wrong. Polygonal and uncanny. The ground itself, simply a flat plane textured to look like snow, with a massive polygonal snowman - larger than even any building you’ve seen before - dominating the center of this strange reality. The land before you isn’t completely flat, but the snow, the icy outcrops… all two-dimensional, a facsimile of reality that leaves you deeply uncomfortable. Before you can truly react to your situation, you realize something.
A chill wind blows by, stinging your skin and biting through your clothes. You’re… not dressed for the weather. Not even close. You need cover, somewhere to hunker down. You spy an igloo in the distance and make a run for it, huddling inside as you feel frostbite set in. You shiver, completely unprepared for the elements.
You don’t know where you are, but wherever it is… you’ll probably have to wait until spring to find a way out. If it ever comes at all.
Stone Tower Temple
You finally settle on the painting of the tower and the darkened courtyard. You don’t know why, but something about it just… feels right somehow. You figure it’s worth a shot, taking a running jump at the painting, eyes squeezed shut. You tumble a few feet as you pass through, smacking onto hard stone for the third time today.
Grunting in pain, you stand up and look around.
You’re in… a courtyard, just like the one in the painting. Before you, a large marble tower rises into the gloom. For a moment, you think you made it back outside. The sky is dark, glowing with what looks like stars - except as your eyes adjust, you realize that’s not the case. You’re still underground, the tower surrounded by massive stalactites covered with luminescent starlike crystals.
The place is… eerie. Immaculately clean and built of marble stone, with no sign of vegetation or life at all. Only strange statues, an uncomfortable quiet, and the feeling that you’re being watched. A chill runs up your back - behind you… you hear a giggle.
Pipe Dream Protégé
Behind you, a figure stands, their body wrapped in thick, purple shadow, carrying a strange staff. A pointed hat rests upon their head, dark hair poking out messily from underneath. Across their face, only one feature is visible - a wide, leering smile.
You take a single step away from them, the figure laughing again upon seeing you stumble clumsily back.
“Hehe… coming in that way… You managed to sneak riiiight past my defenses,” pointing towards the tower behind the courtyard with their staff. It seems like… if you really squint… you can see the hole you fell down in the cavern roof directly over the tower. "Making it through the Riddle Tower unharmed though, that’s almost impressive."
Wait a minute. Their voice… it’s… familiar. You’ve definitely heard it before, back at the office.
…Zange? The… Pipe Plaza director? But… what’s with the weird makeover? What are they doing down here? You think back… the Professor did mention that someone managed to get into the excavation site, but why?
Zange tilts their head curiously, leaning in to examine you closer. “You know… you really outdid yourself, rookie. I was wondering who else was out there, gathering Crystal Stars, looking into the mysteries of the world…” They twirl their staff in the air, the crystal mounted upon the tip beginning to glow a bright red, then green, then white, before the colors fade again. “I’ve managed to collect three myself, of course, while everyone’s busy running around, busy with their banal excuses for stories. As always.”
“Oh! But speaking of stories… I’m sure you’ve talked to that Professor character - he really should secure his dig site better by the way - and I’m sure he’s told you all about the treasure that lies down here, the disaster that befell the ancient city…” Zange nudges you with the tip of the staff, smile growing wider. “But what he didn’t tell you, is that the two are one and the same! There’s some real power buried down here!”
The shadows surrounding them grow thicker and darker, a strange look overcoming their eyes as they stare forwards. “I’ve already tasted some of it. But soon…”
“Soon, I’ll unleash it all. I’ll seize control of the ‘Shroom, and they’ll finally see…” Zange pauses, glancing back over in your direction. “Oh, you’re still here. Well, rookie, I can’t have you getting in my way, I’m sure you’ll understand. Don’t worry though! Where I’m sending you… at least you’ll have company!”
They laugh maniacally, slamming their staff into the ground. Grasping, shadowy hands rise out of the ground, surrounding you and beginning to drag you down, the ground vanishing beneath your feet. Suddenly, you find yourself falling through an abyss, before landing roughly on your behind.
Ugh… where are you?
Twisted Trap
For the umpteenth time, you pull yourself to your feet. You know, you’re getting really tired of falling places and just going in a downwards direction in general. You shake your head, struggling to see in the dark room you now find yourself in.
From the blackness on the opposite end of the room… you suddenly hear a sound. A sickly clattering noise, like the laugh of something long dead. A pair of glowering red eyes appear in the shadows, accompanied by the sound of bone grinding against bone. You back up, but find yourself against a wall before long.
Your eyes, finally adjusting, allow you to see the creature shambling towards you. A Koopa skeleton, tinged a vile, rotting blue lurches forwards, clutching a bone - someone ELSE’S bone - in its ragged fist.
Its neck wrenches sideways with a sickening snap, as yet another clatter erupts from its desiccated throat. You look around the room anxiously - there has to be some way to defend yourself, right?
Bone Battle!
You’ve spent a lot of time looking around at things during your time at Rogueport, but it’s never been more urgent than this. You notice on the ground… several bodies, maybe past victims of this monster before you. All of them long since reduced to bones.
But… these weren’t normal civilians. Whether they were once raiders in search of the treasure, some kind of ancient warriors, or just… guys that happened to have a lot of weapons, the fact of the matter is that most of them seem armed. While most of their items seem rotten and useless, a few seem to have held up.
In the hand of a Clubba skeleton a, well, club sits, large and round in structure. Next to him sits an empty set of Koopatrol armor, wielding a mighty spear inscribed with all sorts of strange runes. On the other side of the room, a body clutches a large sack of items. A Thunder Rage, crackling with electricity, and a Fire Flower, glowing orange as embers float around it.
No time to ponder, you need to act. Now!
Strike with the spear. Strike with the Thunder Rage. Strike with the club. Jump on its head. Strike with the Fire Flower.
Spear of Injustice
The spear looks powerful enough, and those runes etched onto its surface... A ward against the undead? You grip the spear, pulling it from the armor’s hand and thrusting it towards the advancing figure.
The spear passed straight through its skeletal ribs, doing… absolutely no damage. It looks downwards at the site of the “wound”, then back up at you. Then back down at the spear. Its eyes narrow in confusion for a moment, before raising its arm and striking you across the head with the femur in its hand.
You black out as the creature smashes your head again and again with the bone. You never wake up, your bones joining the others as decor for the skeleton’s lair.
Thunderstruck
The Thunder Rage… of course, the mighty power of lightning is sure to save the day. You dive for the sack, pulling out the thunderbolt-shaped object and crushing it in your hand. A rumbling sounds out above, and a mighty bolt of lightning arcs downwards, striking the skeletal demon and sending it off-balance.
Unfortunately… that’s about all it does. With the Thunder Rage consumed, you look around for another weapon. The Koopa skeleton shakes its head, turning it 360 degrees before continuing its shambling advance.
Seared Bones
The Fire Flower… it might be common, but these flowers pack a mighty punch. You hold the flower out in front of you as a jet of flame blasts towards your attacker. Its crimson eyes widen and shake at the sight of the flames as it hits the floor, retreating into its shell.
Despite the fear of the creature inhabiting it, the shell holds strong, the flames glancing off its smooth surface like nothing happened. The creature emerges from its shell, laughing a rattling laugh.
Ugh, that isn’t going to work, you’ll have to disable it first…
Beatdown
You reach for the Clubba's club, prying it from its clenched, bony hand. Of course the spear would be a stupid idea, and who knows if the other items would actually do anything. The club though…
As the skeleton advances, you take a mighty swing with the club, knocking the creature right off its feet and sending it careening into the wall, where it collapses into a pile of bones. The pile begins to shake and wiggle, trying to reform before your eyes. Better deal with this fast…
Strike bone pile with the spear. Strike bone pile with the Thunder Rage. Strike bone pile with the Fire Flower. Strike again with the club.
Vertically Challenged
Actually… who needs weapons? You’re tougher than this clown, you’ve heard all about that Mario guy and the explosive power of a well-timed jump. What’s this loser gonna do if you just jump on his head and crush him into the worthless dirt he is?
The creature pauses, confused as you run towards him, screaming a war cry. You propel yourself off the ground and towards the skeleton, sailing through the air despite your stubby legs - until the skeleton simply grabs you by the foot, slamming you back down into the floor with immense force, converting you into a fine paste on impact.
Maybe not the best strategic choice.
Pile-Up
You snatch the ornate spear from the ground, spinning it around in your hand as you thrust it heroically into the desiccated bone pile.
…
…Nothing happens. What exactly did you expect? The pile of bones continues to shift and shake until the creature reforms, giving you a pitiful look as it sees the spear in your hand.
Bolt Back
Now that it’s down.. The Thunder Rage! You plunge your hand into the sack lying on the ground and pull out the small thunderbolt, crushing it in your hand. A low rumble cuts through the air as a bolt of lightning arcs downwards towards the pile of bones.
It… doesn’t do a whole lot. The lightning, not conducted very well by the bones, practically ignores them in favor of the surrounding ground - only lightly scorching the bones’ edge. With a rattle, the bones reassemble, the creature continuing its advance.
Won't Work Twice
Alright, one more hit with the club. You swing the club again, but it glances off the bones, your strength not enough to do much more with the thing than smack your skeletal attacker off balance.
The sheer weight of the club causes it to fly out of your hands, sailing across the room as the blow bounces off the bones. The pile begins to shift and rattle, the creature reassembling itself into its former self, resuming its shambling march towards you.
Turned to Ashes
The Fire Flower… Reduced to a pile of bones, it won’t be able to dodge the jet of flame, nor will it be able to retreat into its shell. You reach into the sack of items, pulling out the Fire Flower. Bright embers float around the flower’s petals as you aim it forward and let loose a mighty jet of flame.
The flames engulf the bones, and a horrible wail sounds through the air as the dark spirit inhabiting the skeleton burns away, leaving only a pile of harmless bones and... 13 Star Points. Great, not even 20% of a level. Exhausted of its power, the Fire Flower goes limp in your hand. By the light of the few flames still burning, you see a door on the other side of the room. Finally, a way out of this stupid dungeon - with no skeleton in the way.
You head towards the door…
Mysterious Manor
You shove open the door, practically collapsing in the hallway outside with a hefty sigh. You blink for a second, the brightly-lit hallway being a vast difference from the miserable dungeon you emerged from.
The area you find yourself in is… surprising. With regal red carpets and golden adornments draping the walls and floors, this place is decorated more like a royal palace than any of the dismal and unsettling areas you’ve found yourself in thus far. A staircases rises to your right, leading to a doorway high above. To your left, a short way down, you spy another door - this one seeming to be made of solid gold.
Well, nowhere to go but forward.
Anticlimactic...
You enter the glittering golden door on the left, pushing it open with significantly less effort than expected. You almost have to shield your eyes as the golden light within bursts free, but when your vision returns… your jaw drops.
The room inside is vast - and filled wall-to-wall with gold, jewels, and all manner of ancient artifacts and coins. Is this… the treasure behind the Thousand-Year Door? In the center of the room… you spot the crown jewel of the whole thing. A treasure chest, locked tight with all manner of complicated locks and mechanisms. Whatever’s in here… it must be important.
You spend… entirely longer than you would have liked painstakingly moving the chest through the palace halls, attempting to navigate back to the point you fell in. Eventually, you manage to find your way back into the courtyard, and the tower after that, dragging the heavy chest after you the entire time.
When you finally get back to the room at the tower’s peak, you exhale, almost collapsing from exhaustion on top of the chest. You almost feel like passing out… until you hear a shout from above. Through the hole in the ceiling, you hear the Professor calling out, dropping a rope. Tying it off to the chest, you climb up to join him on the stairs immediately behind the Thousand-Year Door. Together, you heft up the chest, dragging it out to the door chamber proper. The Professor’s eyes glimmer with enthusiasm behind his mask as he fetches a crowbar from the excavation site and pries the chest open.
…His expression falters as he pulls out the chest’s sole content, giving you a smack in the head as he finally gets a good look at it. You rub your head, frowning… but you completely understand upon seeing it for yourself.
The legendary treasure, the contents of the chest you painstaking sought to return…
A singular dried shroom.
Curious…
You decide to go upwards, taking the stairs to your right. You fell down here, so naturally the only way out is up. You doubt there’s anything of value behind the other door anyway. Climbing the long staircase, you arrive at the door lying in wait at their peak, cautiously peering inside.
Thankfully, the inside is just as well-lit.
You’ve found yourself in… some sort of hallway filled with several strange artifacts. Each one is… just a little unsettling. It doesn’t look like there’s anywhere to go from here though, at least not anywhere obvious. Maybe some “investigative journalism” is in order.
Interesting Artifacts
You walk up and down the hall, examining the array of objects along the way. You try not to look at some of them for too long, the uneasy feeling in your stomach returning as you fix your gaze upon each one.
Nearest to the door, you find a glimmering golden statue. While this wouldn’t be anything special on its own, it seems to depict a screaming woman reaching outwards towards something, her face frozen in agony and sorrow.
Opposite the statue, you see… yet another statue. This one seems to be made of stone, at least, depicting a figure clad in a hooded cloak adorned with a star pattern. Clutched in its hand is a glass chalice, a strange rainbow-colored liquid swirling within.
Further down, you see a statue of a fierce dragon, its maw spread wide open to form a vicious snarl. The statue is… remarkably detailed. It feels as though it could spring to life at any moment and maul you.
Across the way is… just a stone pedestal on the ground, much like the one outside the Thousand-Year Door. An exclamation mark seems to be stamped atop it, almost prompting you to go stand on it and weigh it down.
Set into the wall nearby appears to be… another painting, much like the ones in the tower before. This time though, it depicts only Zange, smiling at you mockingly. This one kind of pisses you off for some reason.
Reaching the end of the room, you see… The Professor, standing motionless and facing the wall. You… don’t really know how he got down here, but you feel like you should probably check to see if he’s okay, right? Then again…
You close your eyes and take a deep breath. Alright, you’ve messed with enough weird puzzles thus far. What’s one more?
Approach the golden statue. Drink from the chalice. Step on the pedestal. Approach the dragon statue. Jump into the Zange painting. Speak to the Professor.
Gold Hand
You approach the golden statue. Despite its… offputting aura, this thing IS by far the fanciest of the bunch. Surely it’s at least worth looking at. You examine the statue all over, from many angles. You’re… surprised at the detail, to say the least. You thought the detail on the dragon statue was impressive, but this is ridiculous.
Still, nothing really seems to jump out at you. Out of options, you decide to do the simplest thing you can. You simply reach out and grab the screaming statue’s hand.
Almost immediately, a pain shoots up your arm. Before your very eyes, you see gold shooting up your arm, replacing your flesh itself. You try to move your hand, to separate it from the statue’s, but your arm is fixed in place as the gold continues to spread. You cry for help, but as the gold consumes you, your face is locked forever in an eternal scream.
The expression on the other statue softens into a wide smile. Finally, some company.
Crushing Stairway
You approach the pedestal stamped with an exclamation mark. You’ve actually seen this kind of thing before. A switch, or a pressure plate, or whatever you want to call it. Obviously, this is going to do something. Can’t guarantee anything with the others, but this one seems like a solid choice.
You walk forward and step upon the pedestal - causing it to sink slightly beneath your weight. Much like back in the tower, you hear machinery grinding as the floor in the center of the hall begins to collapse, step-by-step into a stairway leading deep below.
Suddenly… you hear a whistling sound from above. Carefully, you turn your gaze upwards - but it’s too late. With a mighty grunt, the Thwomp crushes you into nothingness before slowly rising back to its place of ambush, your fractured remains standing as a bloody warning to anyone considering stepping on that switch in the near or distant future.
Dragon Fire
You approach the dragon statue. While somewhat offputting, the detail on the dragon is really quite impressive. You lean in close to examine it, appreciating the sheer effort it must have taken to carve each and every scale, feeling awe at the razor-sharp points the sculpture’s teeth have been meticulously filed into.
You continue your inspection, and as the pressure plate beneath your feet sinks with a click, you notice... the nozzle buried within the sculpture’s mouth, and the smell of gas in the air. You barely have time to shout before the room erupts in a tremendous burst of flame.
Embarrassing…
At this point in time, you know how these stupid paintings work - and if it’s Zange you want to get to, then god dammit, it’s worth a try. You take a few steps back, clenching your eyes as you sprint towards the painting, taking a mighty leap and… smacking clean into the wall behind the portrait’s canvas surface.
You fall to the ground, groaning and clutching your head, hearing a giggle emanate through the air as the Zange within the portrait points at your bruised head before turning and walking out-of-frame.
Ugh, you think. Not gonna fall for that one again.
Professor of Chaos
You call out to the Professor, deciding that two heads are better than one. You still don’t really know how he got down here, but it’s good to see a friendly face, especially one who might be willing to help you solve whatever weird puzzle is going on in here.
Despite your call… he remains silent, staring forward at the wall. Okay… creepy. You reach out, clamping a hand on his shoulder. His neck swivels 180 degrees to face you, causing you to let go as you leap back in horror. The Professor - or the thing that looks like him - wrenches its body around at an odd angle, scuttling towards you at high speed like some kind of deranged insect as it lets out an ear-piercing screech.
Swearing under your breath, you make a break for the door, bursting back out into the hall and… promptly tumbling down the stairs, the strange mimic tumbling after you, having made the same clumsy mistake.
You both land in an unmoving heap at the base of the staircase. The good news is that you’ve officially killed the monster, in a… roundabout way. The bad news is… you’re dead too. Sucks.
Free Beverage
Approaching the strange, robed statue clutching the chalice, you peer inside at the unearthly liquid swirling within. Shining all sorts of rainbow colors, staring at it for too long makes your eyes feel kind of weird. Honestly it’s uh… kind of unappetizing, in a “possibly a psychedelic drug” kind of way.
Still… something compels you to take a gulp. As you grab the chalice, the statue’s hand opens wide, allowing you to take it. You wrench your eyes closed and swallow the contents in one gulp. At first… you don’t feel anything, but then…
Your eyes shoot open as adrenaline bursts through your veins. Your body, now shining all sorts of colors just like those swirling in the cup, feelings invincible, like there’s nothing you can’t do. Nothing that can hurt you. You turn to the rest of the artifacts, blinding resolve in your eyes.
Activate the Artifacts!
You inspect the artifacts again, now with a feeling of invincibility. With this power you feel within yourself, they no longer seem to radiate intensely off-putting auras. Or, perhaps, they are unchanged, but you now have an intense aura of your own to match. Either scenario being equivalent for your purposes, you approach the other artifacts...
Bravely approach the golden statue. Bravely step on the pedestal. Bravely approach the dragon statue. Bravely jump into the Zange painting. Bravely approach the Professor.
Fireproof
You approach the dragon statue. While somewhat offputting, the detail on the dragon is really quite impressive. You lean in close to examine it, appreciating the sheer effort it must have taken to carve each and every scale, feeling awe at the razor-sharp points the sculpture’s teeth have been meticulously filed into.
Noticing, as the pressure plate beneath your feet sinks with a click… the nozzle buried within the sculpture’s mouth, and the smell of gas in the air. You barely have time to shout before the room erupts in a tremendous burst of flame, a burst of flame that… leaves you unharmed.
Merely covered in soot, you cough and wipe off your face in a state of utter disbelief. How did you survive that? Of course, you think to yourself, clearing the soot from your rainbow-glowing hands. The potion… you don’t just feel invincible, you ARE invincible. This could certainly be interesting.
Smacked…
At this point in time, you know how these stupid paintings work - and if it’s Zange you want to get to, then god dammit, it’s worth a try. You take a few steps back, clenching your eyes as you sprint towards the painting, taking a mighty leap and… smacking clean into the wall behind the portrait’s canvas surface.
You fall to the ground surprisingly feeling no pain from the impact, yet hearing a giggle emanate through the air as the Zange within the portrait points at you, laughing before turning and walking out-of-frame.
Ugh, you think. DEFINITELY not gonna fall for that one again.
Fear Factor
You call out to the Professor, deciding that two heads are better than one. You still don’t really know how he got down here, but it’s good to see a friendly face, especially one who might be willing to help you solve whatever weird puzzle is going on in here.
Despite your call… he remains silent, staring forward at the wall. Okay… creepy. You reach out, clamping a hand on his shoulder. His neck swivels 180 degrees to face you, causing you to let go as you leap back in horror. The Professor - or the thing that looks like him - wrenches its body around at an odd angle, scuttling towards you at high speed like some kind of deranged insect as it lets out an ear-piercing screech.
This whole… thing would normally be pretty creepy, but something about that potion… it just makes you want to beat this sucker up. You brace yourself as the creature scuttles towards you, and as it leaps from the floor… you grip its abdomen in your hands and suplex it onto the ground, cracking the ground under the force.
The strange mimic Professor rolls over, whimpering and groaning. When it regains full consciousness, it wordlessly hustles back over to the wall, casting the occasional nervous glance towards you. That’s right. Fool.
Downward Reveal
You approach the pedestal stamped with an exclamation mark. You’ve actually seen this kind of thing before. A switch, or a pressure plate, or whatever you want to call it. Obviously, this is going to do something. Can’t guarantee anything with the others, but this one seems like a solid choice.
You walk forward and step upon the pedestal - causing it to sink slightly beneath your weight. Much like back in the tower, you hear machinery grinding as the floor in the center of the hall begins to collapse, step-by-step into a stairway leading deep below.
Suddenly… you hear a whistling sound from above. Carefully, you turn your gaze upwards, only to see a Thwomp hurtling downwards towards you at blinding speed.
Time itself seems to slow down as you leap into the air and collide with the Thwomp, the might of your newfound invincibility overtaking the force of gravity and sending the Thwomp flying harmlessly offscreen. Landing back on the panel, you take a couple deep breaths, the rainbow-tinged hue leaving your body as the final step of the stairway locks into place.
Well, you guess no good thing lasts forever. Almost a shame though, you were starting to dig that whole invulnerable thing. No use dwelling on it, you think as you face the new staircase.
The Downward Spiral
You huff and puff, your stamina starting to dwindle as you take yet another set of stairs. Downwards, sure, but at this point you’re just sick and tired of the things. At least you didn’t fall down these ones, you guess. Nor are they booby trapped, which is always a plus.
You reach the bottom, the stairs fanning outwards into a large room - a door almost the size of the Thousand-Year Door itself set into the opposite wall, very slightly ajar. As you approach the door, a wave of nausea overtakes you - a sick feeling, like rot spreading through your very core. You tense up, freezing for a moment and clenching every muscle in your body as your fight the urge to retch.
The feeling passes almost as quickly as it begun, and after steadying yourself… you continue on.
It's Quiet...
Swallowing your anxiety, you push open the door with… probably more force than you meant to, honestly. Unlike the other big doors thus far, this one wasn’t particularly heavy. As the door impacts the wall behind it, the crash echoes across the vast room - entirely empty except for a red velvet throne at the rear.
Glancing around nervously, you quickly realize that you’re completely alone here. Just you, a whole lot of empty space, and the throne. You advance forwards, unsure of where else to even go, before you’re standing before the throne itself.
Sweet Dreams
Well, despite the… obvious risks, you can’t really help but plop yourself down on the throne’s plush seat. This is, after all, like the first chair you’ve been able to just sit in since you arrived in Rogueport. A couple minutes of rest are warranted, right?
Besides… this throne is… so comfortable… You yawn, fighting the urge to fall asleep as your exhaustion becomes readily apparent… and losing the battle.You drift off into the world of dreams…
You jolt awake, horrified. Oh, by the stars… you didn’t… you didn’t mean to fall asleep. You scramble out of the chair and to your feet, looking around urgently. It takes a couple moments before you realize the true consequences of dozing off.
The ceiling of the throne room has been blown open, now revealing the surface of Rogueport far above - or at least what used to be Rogueport. The sky, now cloaked thick with shadow, rains thunder and lightning upon the town - a sound accompanied by the screams of those above, so loud you can hear them even from within the depths.
You facepalm, shaking your head in frustration. You REALLY need to start setting an alarm…
Royal Recliner
Resisting the urge to plant your rear on the plush seat, you look around the throne itself. Nothing immediately stands out to you, but upon closer inspection… you see faint drag marks behind the throne, as though it’s been moved recently.
Interesting…
Another New Path
You grab the throne, giving it a push in the direction of the drag marks. It takes some elbow grease, but it slowly starts to slide. A telltale grinding sound rumbles through the walls yet again as colossal gears turn somewhere deep within the palace walls. Behind the throne, the rear wall slides open alongside the throne, revealing… yet another staircase leading even deeper into the darkness. You loudly groan, punching the air in frustration. MORE stairs?
Are you kidding? Man, what the h-
You double over, clutching your head as you’re suddenly struck by another wave of sickening dread. It subsides before long, but as you turn to look at the newly-uncovered doorway… the feeling returns, albeit lesser. Something about it, about whatever’s down there… it’s wrong.
You slowly step towards the stairs, fighting the feeling overtaking you. This passage… it abandons all trappings of luxury or esotericism. The stairs and walls hewn from rough stone, it twists and winds deep into the earth. How far down does this even go? At this point, you must be miles deep…
You steel your nerves, taking the first step into the unfathomable dark below.
Decision of Destiny
You follow the stairs downwards, the rotten feeling refusing to leave your stomach, only intensifying as you progress downwards. You pause to wipe sweat from your brow, taking a deep breath and continuing. Eventually… you reach a landing at the bottom, a stone-hewn door before you.
The feeling is overpowering now, you would do anything to make it stop. You want to roll around on the floor, to claw your face off and scream… but you can’t. No… you have to keep going. Hands shaking, you place your palm on the stone door… and push. The door gives way, and you stumble through. As you raise your head to inspect the room, your breath catches in your throat.
Melted candles and strange symbols line the walls, all surrounding a single sarcophagus. It’s… a mausoleum. A tomb, ancient and forgotten, sealed away and never to be opened. The sarcophagus… you can barely stand to look at it. It’s the source of this awful feeling, the source of everything wrong with this place.
To your left, one of the candles ignites with an eerie green glow. Then another. One by one, the candles surrounding the sarcophagus begin to light up, bathing the room in that sickly color. You wheel around left and right, looking for the source of the flame - until you hear a familiar laugh from the direction of the sarcophagus.
“Hehehe…” Zange giggles, sitting upon the horrible sarcophagus, waving their staff idly in the air. “You made it all the way here too? Unexpected, really. Well, I think you’ve earned an explanation at least, here at the end.” Losing their smile for the first time, Zange looks downwards, scowling. “You’ve made the rounds, haven’t you? You’ve seen the rest of the ‘Shroom staff. Let me guess - all wasting their time on the ‘fun’ sections. The ones people love.”
“Meanwhile, Pipe Plaza reports on the facts. Real journalism. And what do we get for it? Low readership, little in the way of organic word-of-mouth discussion… They’ve forgotten what a newspaper is meant to be - I mean come on, we have a section named FAKE NEWS! This institution is rotten to the core!” Zange’s grip tightens on the staff as their smile returns, wider than ever. “...And I’m going to burn the rot away. Start from scratch and build a new ‘Shroom!”
Zange extends a hand towards you. “And you… look at you! You’ve done so much in the name of journalism already. Think of all the places you’ve been, you’ve even come all the way down here. You alone have what it takes. Join me, and together, we’ll use the power sealed within this sarcophagus… we’ll build my new vision. Our new vision. “
You take a step back. You… you can’t believe this. You know what you felt when you came down here. Whatever’s in there, it’s pure evil. Releasing this kind of power… just to rework the ‘Shroom… it’s insane. But at the same time… you’ve been all over in the last couple days. Sailed the seven seas, became a wrestling champion, solved a mystery, and hell you’ve even been to the moon! Despite all of that, you’re still just the rookie… Maybe Zange has a point, maybe you deserve better after all…
Shroom Sellout
You know what? You DO deserve better. You reach out and take Zange’s hand. Their smile widens as they thrust their staff into the air, the candle’s glow intensifying as the sarcophagus begins to rumble beneath them, darkness billowing from within the depths of the coffin.
The Crystal Stars - all four of yours and all three of Zange’s - begin to rise into the air, cracking and splintering before they shatter into innumerable pieces, shards sprinkling around the room. Zange begin to cackle madly, and slowly… your own smile grows to match their own as the shadows grow ever deeper.
In the outside world, the sky begins to darken, swirling with a mixture of black-purple clouds that blot out the sun. The waves begin to churn as the earth quakes, and as lightning flashes through the air, the streets of Rogueport begin to crack and rupture as tendrils of shadow twist and turn outwards from the crevices, slowly dragging the city beneath the waves. Keelhaul Key soon follows, swallowed whole by a mighty tsunami.
High above in the sky, thunder and lightning continues to crackle as strong winds whip through the air. A stray bolt strikes Glitzville, taking out its rightmost thruster. The city wavers in the air for the first time in decades, before the thruster explodes, igniting the city. It begins to plummet to the ground, obliterating the Poshley Sanctum as it hits the ground with a tremendous crash.
The world burns, and all the while, you keep on smiling. …
…
…
One year later, you find yourself in a new position - Editor-in-Chief of the newest paper on the block: The Evil ‘Shroom. It’s… an alright gig. Took a lot of work to get here. Readership numbers are average, about the same as the uh… “Good ‘Shroom”. Content’s a bit stale, but you guess sacrifice must be made. Honestly though?
You preferred field reporting.
Rebelling the Darkness
You stand your ground, resolute in the rejection of Zange’s offer. They simply laugh, shrugging and withdrawing their hand.
“Well, it doesn’t matter. It was a pity offer anyway. Now then…” Zange says, head tilting uncannily. “Let’s get started, why don’t we?” Their smile widens as they thrust their staff into the air, the candle’s glow intensifying as the sarcophagus begins to rumble beneath them, darkness billowing from within the depths of the coffin.
In the outside world, the sky begins to darken, swirling with a mixture of black-purple clouds that blot out the sun. The waves begin to churn as the earth quakes, and lightning flashes through the air. As the room floods with shadow, grasping hands reach from below, pulling you into the cloying dark. You struggle and twist, reaching for something, anything that can pull you out… but you find nothing of the sort. Your vision fades, and you try to scream, to call out…
There’s no help, there’s nothing except the endless, smothering black, choking out even the thoughts from your mind…
…
…
…
One by one… faint lights begin to shine through the shadow. Four shining stars, each a different, vibrant color. They grow brighter, and brighter, until… they’re joined by three more. You hear a cry of surprise from somewhere far off as the seven stars now begin to shine radiantly, piercing through the darkness and filling the room with a transfixing light.
You wrench free of the shadowy hands, ripping them away from your body and standing tall, facing down Zange with determination in your eyes. “W-wait,” Zange sputters out. “My Crystal Stars, why did they…?”
You know what you have to do, while Zange is distracted. That sarcophagus, you have to get it closed, before-
The Crystal Stars begin to shine brighter than ever before, now spinning around the room in rapid fashion, their light becoming utterly blinding as everything suddenly just… stops. Now standing in a void of pure luminescence, you see Zange with you, standing across from you, just as confused as you are.
As you stand there dazed, before either of you can act… images begin to appear, manifesting in the stars’ radiant glow.
Memories…
In the glow of the stars, you see...
You... Yourself. standing in front of a futuristic prison cell. An X-Naut trapped in the cell unmasks themselves to reveal… The prisoner is Funky, Palette Swap Director of The 'Shroom, merely dressed in an X-Naut uniform! Yeah… you remember that. She was conducting an espionage operation, trying to infiltrate the X-Nauts… The image suddenly begins to waver, warping and shifting into an entirely different vision.
Anton is standing with you at the train station, trying a bite of… something. A “Zess Deluxe”, if you recall. He swallows. “It's bad... it's bad!!”, he says. “Thank you!!!! Here, here, have this ticket, thank you!!! And here, have the leftovers too, try it! It's bad!” Your mirror image tries a bite of the dish too as you take his train ticket. You can remember what that was like for sure. It was… bad. Yep.
Zange laughs as your double dumps the rest of the meal into the trash. A softer laugh, tinged with far less malice.
The images changes again, a foppish man running off into the jungle as Pitohui and Roserade begin planning their own exploration of Keelhaul Key. Rose ruminates on the issue for a moment. "This is going to be a little tricky because we don't know the exact location of Cortez's treasure. There's lots of different rumors and legends, but those aren't very reliable and a lot of them conflict with each other. We'll have to search for some clues.” You remember this too, watching your bored mirror image wish you were going swimming instead. In hindsight considering the Nibbles situation, maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t do that.
The image shifts again, one final time…
Rawk Hawk hoisted high above your shoulders, you use the last of your strength to trudge towards the edge of the arena, teeth gritted. Realizing you won't be able to hold him for much longer, you give a mighty heave and throw Rawk Hawk, who crashes out of the arena! You fall to your knees, a tear in your eye as confetti begins dropping down and as Waluigi Time cheers from the audience.
The light of the Crystal Stars begins to fade, the tomb coming back into view as the darkness begins to seep outwards once again. Zange stands before the sarcophagus, their gaze cast downwards. “Is… is that what you guys were up to? It looked like… so much…” Zange slowly blinks, looking around the encroaching darkness, a conflicted expression painted across their face for the briefest of moments, before they turn their gaze toward you . “Pipe Plaza… Facts and statistics… It’s the most important thing, right? A ‘Shroom without the rest of it, nothing to distract anyone, nothing else to occupy their time… Food reviews, editorials, comics… Reporting on useless, wacky shenanigans… none of that belongs… in a newspaper… Right?”
Before you can reply, a violent quake wracks the mausoleum, almost knocking you off your feet. Shadows begin to spill out of the sarcophagus at an even greater pace than before as the lid begins to shift on its own. From within, a long-fingered hand stretches out, bigger on its own than the sarcophagus itself. The fingers wrap themselves along the edge of the sarcophagus, spiderlike and thin.
The feeling of conflict flashes across Zange’s face once again, transforming into a look of pain and regret. Zange wrenches their eyes shut, grimaces, and brings the staff down hard on the side of the sarcophagus. The crystal at its tip begins to crack and shatter, beams of green, red, and white shining out from within.
As something unfathomably large begins to rise from the sarcophagus, Zange brings the staff down again.
The crystal shatters on impact, flooding the room with a momentary flash of light. A strong wind begins to blast through the mausoleum, blowing out the eerie candles as the coffin lid slides shut, the emerging creature evaporating into mere wisps of shadow.
You begin to waver back and forth, collapsing on the floor as your adrenaline supply finally runs dry.
Wakey-Wakey
You feel… a stick poking you. You sit up, ready to defend yourself… only to find yourself in the Professor’s office once more as he idly prods your unconscious form with the ruler.
“Ah!” He exclaims, dumping the ruler back on his desk in the vain hope that you don’t notice. “You’re awake. Good, good. Did NOT want to be liable for that one. Now, you have to tell me - how on earth did you get out of there? Now, don’t get me wrong, I was definitely absolutely going to come and bring help… eventually, but there was an earthquake and a storm and it probably wasn’t safe so-”
You interrupt him, shaking your head. Honestly, as you explain, you have absolutely no idea how you got out. “Well, that’s nonsense,” He states, staring down the long nose of his mask at you. “I found you passed out outside, you got out somehow. Seriously, what happened down there?”
You mull over your options in your head… You could tell him, but…
You think of the terrifying power buried down there, of the dangerous traps and monsters. Of Zange, and the last-minute change of heart that saved your life - and maybe the world. It would be a hell of a scoop, and having your name as a co-author on a scientific journal would certainly be a career boost, but…
Sometimes, it’s just not worth it. Sometimes, a journalist has to make sacrifices.
You tell him that you didn’t get very far. Waited around for a while, then got caught up and knocked out in the earthquake, Woke up in here. The site’s probably pretty messed up after the earthquake. Better if nobody goes down there.
“Well, I suppose I’d better wait for Frankly anyway, especially if there’s any risk of structural damage to the site…” The Professor checks his watch, nodding slightly before picking a kettle up from his desk. “Hm. Three-twenty-five, time for my mid-late-afternoon coffee.” He opens his desk drawer, removing a mug and beginning to pour. “You want a cup? Sometimes it helps me feel better after a potentially dangerous head injur-”
Wait, 3:25? You bolt upright, scrambling off the Professor’s floor and to your feet. 3:25… Your boat home’s supposed to leave at 3:30! You profusely apologize to the Professor and full-speed sprint out the front door and down the street.
He stands there, blinking in surprise for a second before picking up his mug and pouring the coffee right onto the beak of his mask, sending it streaming down his shirt.
You dash through the streets of Rogueport, past Podley’s Place, past the town square, shuffling down the stairs to the docks. You cut it close, arriving at 3:30 on the dot, but you manage to join the rest of the ‘Shroom staff as they board, even if you’re red in the face and out of breath.
Taking a moment to wheeze a bit before boarding… you see Zange. The shadows that once surrounded their form now having dissipated, they’re back to their normal self, joining in conversation with the other staff members. Their upcoming articles, special issues… the things that make the paper special, from statistics and facts, to games and puzzles. Something for everyone, a collaboration between a team.
As the captain calls for boarding, Zange looks in your direction, giving you a kind smile and a wink before lining up to climb aboard. You return their gesture, and hurry to join the line in turn, pulling your passport from your pocket.
...Wow, you're lucky you didn't lose that.
True 'Shroom Writer
The sun begins to set, painting the sea a vibrant orange as the ship floats lazily over the gentle waves. You shuffle past Waluigi Time, slumped over the port side of the boat even in these calm conditions, as expected. At the ship’s stern, Shoey sits with Meta Knight, predictably talking his ear off about some kind of… old dead guy.
Beanish politician, probably.
Anton doesn’t seem to care, sipping from a glass of milk as he leans against the railing in an attempt to soak up the last of the sun’s rays before night falls. Pitohui talks to Roserade about how cool the Pirate’s Grotto was, the latter growing slightly jealous after spending all day wandering the jungle.
Funky looks around shiftily, before finding a shady, out-of the way spot on the deck to sit. Producing a laptop, she ensures no one’s watching before beginning to type… something. Spy stuff, probably.
Finally, at the ship’s bow, Zange stares outwards, watching the sun set. You aren’t going to say anything about what happened, you’ve decided. Just like with the Professor, some things are better left unsaid. You walk over to the starboard railing, feeling the spray of the ship’s water wheel on your face. Besides, you think, turning to look back at the ‘Shroom crew as a whole.
You’ve got plenty of stories anyway. One thing’s for sure… with this kind of material, you won’t be the rookie for long. What an exciting opportunity indeed.
