The 'Shroom:Issue 208/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, 'Shroom readers! Welcome to our Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door themed summer special issue! I got my hands on the remake between issues and it's a lot of fun. Definitely worth dedicating an issue to!
We have a special section this month, and although it doesn't have anything to do with The Thousand-Year Door, it's still a lot of fun! DryBonesBandit (talk) has written a one-off submission of Studying Abroad where he explains the flora and fauna of World 5 from New Super Mario Bros.! Be sure to give it a read, along with all of our other sections! Cooking Guide and Mushroom Tribune are taking this month off, but all of our other usuals are here, and most of them are getting in on the TTYD fun!
Are you interested in joining Fake News? We're always happy to take on new writers, whether you have a one-off idea that you'd like to write like DryBonesBandit, or a recurring section. If you want to join, check out our sign up page which has all the information you need to apply! You can also send a volunteer submission for sections like News Flush with no application needed, just send that to me privately!
Okay, that's all the time I've got. I gotta get back to playing Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door on my Nintendo Switch.
Section of the Month
Taking first place once again, we have The Sunshine Travel Guide by TheBlueCatMenace, showcasing the amenities of the Airship Fortress! In a very close second place is Quizmelon (talk) with TV Tomorrow, bringing us tales of romance, magic, and volleyball! Finally, third place is tied between the continuing time travel shenanigans of Pyro and Kroop in The Sorcery Show by Legend 8, and a debate over Bombshell Koopa conservation in Sarasaland Report by Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)! Thank you to everyone who voted, and please continue to show your support to this great team of writers through SOTM and Poochy's Picks!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 14 | 27.45% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 12 | 23.53% | Quizmelon (talk) |
| 3rd | The Sorcery Show | 7 | 13.73% | Legend 8 |
| 3rd | Sarasaland Social | 7 | 13.73% | Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk) |
Welcome to a special TTYD edition of TV Tomorrow for the 'Shroom's TTYD special! I admit I was originally under the impression that TTYD stood for TV Tomorrow Yes Dplease, and that this issue would be a celebration of my articles. Turns out though it actually stands for The Thousand Year Door, which is not only completely unrelated to my journalistic artistry, but also rather problematic since I already did a TTYD-themed show two months ago to mark the remake, and now I have to invent three more out of nowhere. (Yes, in this month's version of the continuity this is all explicitly fictional; to compensate, next month I'll do one where I imply it's all real.) But I'm nothing if not up to the task, so here they are, three televisual Crystal Stars of primetime paper entertainment. Step through the door and enjoy this TTYDTT!
New: Rogues
MKBC2, 10pm
Genre: Action/crime thriller
This new high-budget drama takes a harsh dive into the seedy criminal underbelly, and indeed overbelly, of the harbour town of Rogueport. Shifting pacily between the interconnected stories of thieves, mafiosi, assassins, charlatans, corrupt police officers, and various other ne'er-do-wells, the series presents a dark, dystopian portrait of a city uncontrollably controlled by deviance - but also one that provides a keen sense of the realities of Rogueport life. Its writer, a Doogan named Arfur, is a native of the town, and this authentic Rogueport-ness is key to the show's sharpness. In this first episode, a plucky dockworker played by Mario finds himself in hot water with the Pianta mafia over a botched smuggling, while crimelord Ishnail debates starting a gang war.
Light and Shadow
MKBC1, 9pm
Genre: Queer horror romance drama
The first series of Light and Shadow aired back in October 2022, and back then it was announced as a standalone miniseries. However, the creators felt they still had much more they could do with the rich characters and vibrant aesthetic so lauded by critics, so it has come back for a second season. Whereas the first series focused on Vivian exploring their gender identity and struggling against both external and internal demons in a twisted monochrome woodland, this second series shifts the setting to Twilight Town and the focus to romance, as Vivian falls in love with a strange shadow-person, creating a story that while still surrounded with an aura of dark, horror-tinged mystery is nonetheless beautiful, emotional, and heartwarming. Well worth a watch.
Live: Glitz Pit Wrestling
The Glitz Network, from 8pm
Genre: Professional wrestling
After a few months of the off-season, Glitz Pit Wrestling returns live from Glitzville tomorrow with an all-star cast of pro fighters duking it out in the ring throughout the night, with commentary and coverage supplied by the specialist Glitz Network. Though questions remain about exactly how ethical and safely managed the sport is, one cannot deny that it remains one of the Mushroom Kingdom's most popular spectacles, and its extravagantly theatrical combat never fails to dazzle and wow. Tomorrow's big headline match will be the battle between veteran battling brute bros Hamma, Bamma, and Flare, and their upstart rookie opponents Gonzales & the Yoshi Kid - though whispered rumours of a return for retired star Rawk Hawk still abound, which may potentially upstage even such a titanic clash. Regardless, it's sure to be exciting entertainment all round.
TV Tomorrow? Yes dplease! There we go, yet another TV Tomorrow successfully achieved. My ninety-eighth, incidentally. We're almost there to my centenary! Such a nice round number, 100, a lovely milestone. I'll have to think of something to mark the occasion… But we're not there just yet. After all, got no.99 coming up first, and as fans of ice cream or Brooklyn police sitcoms will tell you, no.99 is the important one. Look out for that coming in August - I'll see you then!
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Enthused Tourist, ClawgripFan9001, and Boo1268
Dear Waluigi Time,
Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door has several memorable locations. How would you rank each of them based on how much you'd like to live there?
Sincerely, Enthused Tourist
- Petalburg - I may be a big city businessman, but you have to appreciate the small town charm, you know? A nice, relaxed place filled with nice, relaxed people, perfect if you want that quiet life. If you're into renovation, I hear Shhwonk Fortress and Hooktail Castle are still up for grabs.
- Keelhaul Key - Can't say no to that tropical environment, can you? Accommodations are a little sparse, but if you can get reliable travel to the mainland via ship or warp pipe set up, this one would be real nice.
- Boggly Woods - This one gets you the quiet, slow-paced atmosphere of Petalburg without the whole socialization thing if you'd rather be a hermit. All you have is the wildlife and Punies who are also reclusive. But... who would I shill things to? Maybe if I could get a good internet connection...
- Excess Express - Yeah, it's a train, but don't try and tell me living on a train wouldn't actually be kind of cool.
- Twilight Town - If you're into the ooky spooky aesthetic and can stomach a whopping zero hours of sunlight year-round, yeah, sure. For me personally, I like my sunlight a little too much to want to live here, but it's not the worst choice, especially since they got that whole pig curse thing sorted out.
- Poshley Heights - Ehh... It's nice, sure, but it's so expensive! I could never hold on to enough money to make that work. Besides, those upper society types aren't my crowd (they've, uh, made that very clear to me).
- Glitzville - Is there even anywhere to live here if you're not signed on as a Glitz Pit wrestler? I hear their accommodations are pretty mediocre if you're not the champion anyway. I think I'd prefer to stay somewhere else that doesn't require getting beaten up for a living, thank you!
- Rogueport - Too many people here want your wallet. It's a little nicer if you can get a house on the western side, but you probably have to get on the good side of the mob to do that. Pro tip, you probably shouldn't be dealing with the mob at all.
- Fahr Outpost - Way too cold, not hospitable to outsiders, and way too cold. Did I mention that it's way too cold?
- Palace of Shadow - Dark, overly secluded, and probably filled with evil residue. I don't know why you'd want to live here unless you're a supervillain bent on world domination and it fits your aesthetic.
- X-Naut Fortress - This comes with living on the moon, which means no atmosphere outside of your protective dome, and the only way back down to Earth is a teleporter, which needs to be maintained on both sides! Not to mention it's hidden underground, so I doubt you can send out for pizza. Location aside, the fortress isn't very hospitable, and who knows if you can even properly live here without the old X-Naut codes.
Sup, dawg? There's this stunnin' babe who's always havin' a juice at the Glitzville Fresh Juice Shop, an' I got a little thing for her, but I don't know how to tell her. You got any tips on how to get her to like me, man?
- KP Pete/King K
Be yourself! No, really, it's cliche advice, but there's a reason it's cliche advice! You don't want someone falling in love with a character you came up with, because that's just weird. You want them falling in love with you! Besides, if you're faking it then it's going to be awkward when you tell her the truth and that awkwardness compounds the longer you wait. So just don't mess around with trying to be someone that you aren't.
Anyway! She likes juice, right? That's your in. She likes juice, and hopefully, you like juice too! So now you have a shared interest that you can bond over. Slide over to her at the juice bar sometime and say "hey, you like juice, I like juice too, I think that's pretty cool, so anyway what's your favorite juice", and now you have a great conversation topic. Now, your next step is going to depend on what her answer is. If her favorite juice is also your favorite, that's great! If it's one you just like a regular amount, that's also great! If you don't like it, well, that's bad. You should try to like it, eventually if you drink it enough you'll trick your taste buds into thinking it's good. If you've never tried it before, now you have a great bonding experience! Order it right then and there, and then refer to one of the previous three options based on the results. Trust me, in no time at all you'll be engaged and having a juice-themed wedding at the juice bar.
Some may say a relationship built on juice doesn't have very good foundations. I say love is weird, so don't worry about what they think.
Dear Waluigi Time, I'm taking a trip to Rogueport and I heard it's a bit shady, so do you have any advice about what I should look out for on my trip? -Boo1268
Look out for criminals! If you're not careful, you WILL lose your wallet and possibly all your personal effects. It's not just the Bandits you have to watch out for, either. Even a Goomba can pickpocket you, which is pretty impressive because they don't have hands. Just keep your wits about you and don't trust anybody! This especially goes for the east side of the town. The west side is actually pretty nice, you gotta hand it to those Pianta Syndicate guys. They may be hardened criminals, but they keep things clean.
On a more positive, keep an eye out for treasure! Rogueport has a long and storied history, so you just might find something cool, especially if you go looking underground. (Surprisingly, the underground isn't as dangerous as the east side of town on the surface, from what I've heard. Weird, huh? Just don't step foot in the Pit of 100 Trials.) I even hear there's a merchant who hangs around and sells a special badge that makes you look more like Wario, and if you have a similar badge that makes you look like Luigi, you can wear them both at the same time to look like Waluigi! And, well, you know, I don't think I need to tell you that that's a fantastic fashion choice.
Enjoy your trip!
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Studying Abroad
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
Greetings, readers. Welcome to this first and likely only issue of Studying Abroad, where I, DryBonesBandit, will go over my exploits in studying the flora and fauna in various locations.
Today, I will go over my frosty field findings in World 5, back in 2006.
Snow Spikes
After a study on standard Spikes, I decided that I should take a look at their colder counterparts, the Snow Spikes. Back in the Layer-Cake Desert, I discovered that Spikes regurgitate spike balls to throw at passerby, but what do Snow Spikes do instead? I traveled to the level so creatively named "5-1" to investigate. I entered through a narrow passage, and discovered that a Snow Spike was right above me on a platform. It hadn't noticed me yet, so I snuck up on it in order to get a closer look. However, a quartet of Goombas spotted me and immediately began a chase! The Snow Spike turned around, and instantly grabbed a snowball from its mouth and threw it directly at me. I was knocked into the Goombas, and while I lost a life, I confirmed that Snow Spikes throw snowballs, a unique thing that normal spikes cannot do.
Update: Turns out, normal Spikes can also do that, if placed in a frozen environment. There's no real difference between the species, minus the blue scales and the headwear.
Rising & Sinking Mushrooms
Post-Snow Spikes, I went to the also creatively named level "5-4", and found an interesting pair of fungi. I simply believed them to be standard Mushroom Platforms, but when I stepped on the yellow one, it began to sink! Quickly, I tried to jump onto the red one, but I couldn't get on top and fell into a bottomless pit. After I respawned, I deduced that these were, in fact, Rising and Sinking Mushrooms, similar to the ones present in the level of the same uncreative name in the cloudy plains of the shared name "World 5". This type of platform sinks when you step on one, which causes the other to rise. However, these ones were of a different color, suggesting a different, related species to the cloud world variety. I stepped on a yellow one, wanting to investigate more, but a nearby Koopa thought differently, and stepped on the platform I was on. We both fell into the pit, and when I respawned, I decided it was too risky to continue the study, and so I traveled to the level "5-B".
Snailicorns
This was a creature I really wanted to study, because it seemed to have no relation to any other species I encountered before! This time, I had a friend with me, the one and only Mario. When we got to the checkpoint flag, I instructed him to stand on a nearby ? Block to help draw out the sharp-faced mollusk. In case something went wrong, he equipped a Fire Flower, which he found in the block he stood on. Meanwhile, I stood nearby, hoping to get a good picture of a Snailicorn. The Snailicorn eventually came, and fell right into a pit nearby before I could get a closer shot. We later came across another Snailicorn, which was protecting a Star Coin. Before I could get Mario to draw it out, he immediately threw a fireball at it, hoping to get to the coin! Apparently, their shells are fireproof, similar to the Buzzy Beetle. It rammed at him, but he jumped on its shell, and sent it into the pit. Unfortunately, I could not get the close-up I wanted. I came back the next day, alone, trying to get the close-up again. However, the Snailicorn I tried to photograph rammed into me! After I reformed, I immediately left, never to come back again.
Closing thoughts
Please, never ask me to go to World 5 again.
The Spectral Lens
Written by: Boo1268
The History of Keelhaul Key
Hello readers of all walks of life. Welcome to The Spectral Lens, and today on The 'Shroom we are celebrating the great story of the Thousand-Year Door. As many of you probably know by now, in the far gone year of 2004, Mario would unknowingly set off on a quest to open the Thousand-Year Door and discover the fabled dark treasure of Rogueport. But you all know how that story goes, during Mario's adventures he goes to many places discovering new things, and piece by piece unlocks the history surrounding the Thousand-Year Door. Let me start by saying that this expedition was the most fun for me to go on. Not only did I have multiple options for what I wanted to research about, but the history behind them could be their own topics entirely.
But I decided the topic for this special summer issue would be to go into the history of Keelhaul Key, because not much is known about the quaint pirate island, and even the pirate king himself. So I decided to take a trip to Rogueport and then soon after to Keelhaul Key. Also, before we begin, might I add that I felt offended by Cortez, and it's not by his appearance, it's the things he said about us ghosts that really tickles my top hat! Like this quote from the book, “I am a cold blooded villain who robs innocents of their life, not some crybaby GHOST!” For one, us ghosts do cry and wail and go OoOoOoOoOoOoO, and also we're NOT crybabies, we just like to set the mood if we live somewhere creepy. But anyways, after my investigation on the island I discovered two things - one, my wallet had been stolen, probably while I was in Rogueport, and two, the history of Keelhaul Key is actually related to the history of Cortez himself.
You see, many years ago the pirate king Cortez ruled the seven seas with an iron fist and ruthlessly attacked the once beautiful town of Rogueport. However, a few years into Cortez's long reign of terror he was betrayed by his right hand man, a strange bird man by the name of Gulivarrr. He betrayed Cortez and severely wounded him in battle, and then steered the ship towards Cortez's home base, the Pirate's Grotto, eventually leaving him to DIE on Keelhaul Key. And you might think the story ends there, but there's more. You see, according to Flavio, his great ancestor Flaverios the 2nd saw the perfect opportunity to increase his wealth, or as he put it, “benefit his WONDROUS self in the long run”, so he betrayed Cortez's crew and stole the Skull Gem, thinking it was just another piece of jewelry, and rowed off on a small dinghy, which was the only one the crew had, so the crew, even if they tried, they couldn't go after him. Why? Because Flaverios did not realize that the gem was what powers Cortez's ships, meaning that the rest of the crew were also stuck on said island.
Many years passed and Captain Gulivarrr soon rose to power, becoming a feared pirate. However, since Cortez wasn't around to essentially manage all the piracy happening all over the seven seas, anybody with a boat, a sword, and a few men could call themselves a pirate crew. Some would be more well known than others, such as Captain Syrup of the Black Sugar Gang, Captain Shymask of the Shy Guy Gang, Mr. X of the fearsome Crocodile Island, and even our own ClawgripFan9001, who managed to strike a deal with the ghostly pirate king, Cortez, to resurrect his ship. Cortez managed to bring the ship back to him in perfect state, except for the permanently charred hull, prompting ClawgripFan9001 to rename his ship The Shadow Peach, but that's a story for another time. Suffice to say, the open ocean was in CHAOS, and it was mostly thanks to Captain Gulivarrr. In fact, the piracy got so bad that recently it was proclaimed by Captain Johnny that Captain Gulivarrr was no more thanks to him. But in my opinion, it's more than likely that he just washed up on an island somewhere. But yes, like I said, due to Gulivarrr the Mushroom Kingdom seas are now infested with pirates. But now what about Flaverios? Well, after stealing the Skull Gem, he began his own life of “piracy” per se. What he would do is he would scuba dive into old pirate ship wreckage and steal any loot that was left behind, which on a side note, would make a few pirates I know very displeased. Soon, after a few years of doing this, he would then go into real estate and proclaim the Skull Gem as a family heirloom. But let's rewind a bit back to Keelhaul Key. You see, soon after the Skull Gem was stolen, the spirit of Cortez didn't want ANYBODY to steal his treasure, so his crew soon got to work making and setting up booby traps and laying the cave with Bulky Bob-ombs so that nobody could claim said treasure. Some years passed and all the crew soon perished, and their bones were added to Cortez, making him even stronger than before. But then one day, a strange Koopa came to the island with a star made out of sapphire, and Cortez, being the greedy spirit he was, took the star for himself.
However, the pirate did not know of the curse that befell the brave Koopa hero, and soon after, he transformed into a spirit locked inside of a black chest. Soon after, the pirate king threw the star into his other treasures, not knowing of its significance. Soon after, Cortez ordered his men to haunt the island and sink any ship that dared come near - that was, until Cortez met Mario and reclaimed what was rightfully his. Now, he travels the world with a new crew and the famous Admiral Bobbery! So I guess things turned out alright for him after all. Nowadays, many of the once fearsome pirates that plagued the world are either gone or have mellowed out a fair bit, but still that doesn't mean that there aren't any pirates out there! But still, it's good to know that no matter how bad things seem, thanks to Mario's kindness, Rogueport can be more happy as a result, and the tale of the Thousand-Year Door is a tale we can all reflect, on a story about how kindness can prevail over cruelty, how it's better to have friends that stick by you rather than servants, and how we can all make the world a kinder place. That is the message of the Thousand-Year Door. So happy Thousand-Year Door Day, and thank you all for reading. And with that I say: Merci, au revoir.
Written by: Legend 8
Episode 5+: Backstage Time Travels
Part 3 - Back From The Future! (and an epic battle in space)
It's a beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom, and the warming spring sun beams down from a sky that is neither darkened by Koopa airships nor cheese monsters. But between the houses and in the streets, the sun is blotted out by huge advert posters that seem to attract attention almost magically:
REAL non-MAGIC SHOW
Today in the Grand Mushroom Theatre
FREE ENTRY
Meanwhile a few streets further into the city centre, numerous inhabitants are queuing in front of said theatre to claim their free seats in the show. Finally all of them are seated, ready for the great show they were promised. The lights go out.
Toad 1: Isn't this Magikoopa guy supposed to appear now?
Toad 2: Yeah, and this skull should be there by now too!
Toad 3: Shhhhht! Just wait a minute.
A black-robed Magikoopa and his companion, a fiery Dry Bones skull, storm onto the stage. The audience applauds. A few rotten eggs and tomatoes and even a piece of cheese go SPLAT against an invisible anti-magical barrier.
Pyro: Hello, Mushroom Kingdom!
Kroop: Yeah, hello everyone! Thanks for coming!
Pyro: So, I guess all of you are here for a SHOW. A show of galactic proportions, a legendary, incredunormous show! Yes?
The audience cheers.
Pyro: Well, if that's all, then… Let the show begin!
Pyro, the Magikoopa, stomps his staff onto the floor and the lights go out. Then, he conjures up floating, glowing illusions that depict him and Kroop, the burning skull, and starts to tell a story.
Pyro: Once upon a time - well, in a different dimension of space-time, I mean – there was a mighty Magikoopa called Pyrokles, the Eighth Legend of Koopa Kingdom. And by his side was his trusty friend, Kroop, the reanimated skull. Together, they were a wonderful and anti-magical duo that travelled the lands and gave shows, all over the multiverse!
He makes his illusions conjure up fireworks and makes a ghostly audience appear, cheering for the glowing images of Kroop and himself. Then, he makes them walk through an illusion of the Mushroom Kingdom and other well-known places.
Pyro: Then, one day, after many shows both failed and successful, the two came across an incredible offer and decided to perform in the Grand Mushroom Theatre, their greatest performance yet. They did a lot of advertising and preparation. But then, when the day came… Pyro lost his hat, needed for every one of his nonlogical spells! A space mammoth from the future had stolen it from him, and then fled into the age of dinosaurs!
Pyro dramatically replays the moment using his illusions, then he shows himself without his hat, looking hopeless while the illusional posters for the grand show crumble to ash.
Pyro: But then, Pyrokles and Kroop, managed to follow the mammoth into the Jurassic period. No, they would not give up – they would fight until the very end! So they made their way through the dangerous world of millions of years ago…
He shows the two of them fighting themselves through a jungle and past hungry dinosaurs, until they come to a clearing.
Pyro: And then, finally, they came upon the mammoths' evil spaceship, hovering ominously over the highest and hottest volcano of the mountain range.
Hey, don't forget! It was me who spotted that spaceship!
Pyro: Of course. Their companion, the Explainer Voice, who was a glitch created by one of Pyro's spells and always had to explain everything, was a great help to them and he was also the one who spotted the ship. Anyway. The three heroic adventurers were working on a plan to get inside, when they had to flee from a wild dinosaur…
Kroop: Whom I defeated! At least, for a few seconds.
Pyro: Yes, exactly. Now please let me continue. Ahem. In fleeing, they were taken captive by the alien mammoths and brought into a prison. Then, the ship took off into the mammoths' future dimension, leaving behind their Explainer friend in a truly unideal moment. But then, they managed to escape! They retrieved Pyro's hat and defeated a few mammoth guards, but didn't manage to take the mystical artifact, the THING, because of which Pyro's hat had been stolen! Then, they blasted themselves out of the ship. But now, they were trapped in the strange future dimension with no way of return, as the needed item, the THING, was no longer in their possession… They would have to retrieve it to return home…
As Pyro talks and commands his illusions to replicate the story, he suddenly has a flashback of what happened.
Kroop: Then why don't we just take some of that weird cyber glacier snow as component to go back home?!
Pyro: Ugh, it's just not the same. You'll understand someday. Also, we can't just leave without knowing what they want the THING for. Yes, I confess that I overdramatized it a bit, mostly to have a better reason for this whole adventure than just retrieving an old dusty hat. But still, who knows…?
Kroop: So, then what do we do now? Attack a huge horde of mammoths that are fifty times stronger than us?
Pyro: Well, we could, now that we've regained my powers, but it's still not our best option. I'd say we try to find out as much as we can without risking anything, preferably out here. And then: grab it and run, stealth mode.
Kroop: Yeah, let's stick to that plan. Aw, I wish the Explainer were here! He could tell us what he found out!
Pyro: Yup… For now, we'll just explore this dimension a bit. Maybe we'll find some hints.
They set out to explore, but find nothing except silence and a rock full of bird-like animals that watch them curiously from their three huge eyes as they walk past.
Kroop: No sign of anything… I'm hungry. Can we hunt some of these annoying birdy things?
Pyro: Why are they annoying you? I actually kind of like them – they're perfectly silent, not singing all the time! Besides, I'm a Nonlogitarian, so, no thank you.
Kroop: A WHAT?
Pyro: Nonlogitarian. It means that I don't eat meat, but I do eat fish. But definitely no cheese!!! But also…
Kroop: OK, I get it! Then why don't you just magic up some food that you CAN eat?
Pyro: I'll just ignore your usage of the word "magic", but apart from that, it's a fabulous idea!
Soon, they are sitting around a campfire eating… something.
Kroop: Man, I'm still completely baffled by that fire. What colour is that even supposed to be?! How crazy is this place?!!
Pyro: I would sort that colour as somewhere between ultrapurpreddlow and infrablindigriolet, nothing out of the normal. But there's something else that's strange about this campfire… It doesn't crackle!
Kroop: Huh. Yeah, you're right. Anyway, I think we need to change our plans. Just walking around looking for some kind of revelation really isn't that productive.
Pyro: You're right. And that's just why we're going to attack them! Right now! I've always wanted to participate in an epic battle in space!!!
Kroop: What?! But.. But, we could never win!
Pyro: Oh yes we could! Probably. Well, also it's not about winning, but about fun! And maybe a little bit about retrieving the THING.
Kroop: OK, you're right. I'm with you. So, how are we gonna do this now?
A few minutes later…
Kroop: Let's just make it clear that I was against this idea all along! As if this is going to work!
Pyro and Kroop are hurtling towards the mammoths' fleet atop a huge cyber glacier, followed by an entire swarm of comet golems that were supposed to be controlled by Pyro (but somehow aren't anymore. Hmm, something must have gone wrong. Well, who cares? Let's just attack them anyway!)
Pyro: Remember, Kroop, we have to teleport from ship to ship and hope they don't hit us instead of the hulls! Easy enough, I reckon. So let's go!
Pyro and Kroop jump off the glacier right as it crashes into a few spaceships, and teleport away just in time for the furious golems to fly past them, demolishing further spaceships.
Pyro: Well, that worked out pretty good! Now we just have to make the fleet attack the golems, then they'll attack the ships on their own, instead of us. Meanwhile we'll enter via the holes and search the ships when all mammoths are evacuated.
Kroop: But won't the THING probably be in the mother ship, where we escaped from?
Pyro: Maybe that's where they want us to think it is… But, good point. We should prioritize that one.
They teleport from ship to ship, and as the first laser cannons start pew-pew-ing at the golems, Pyro turns them invisible and they enter an evacuated, half-destroyed ship.
Pyro: No mammoths here anymore, that's good!
Kroop: Yes, but there are tons of mammoths coming in our direction! They must've gotten rid of the golems already. How can they have seen us?
Pyro: Probably some kind of technology. By the way: we could try to hijack one of these ships… Or many… What was the main rule of golemancy again? Mind commands matter!
Kroop: Good idea! Then we'll have a fleet of our own!
Pyro mentally grabs hold of about ten demolished spaceships and then commands them to fly towards the enemy, following inside their own spaceship and stabilizing them with non-magical shields. Now the two armies are face to face, ready for the ultimate space duel.
Pyro: Yeehaw! We'll destroy them! With all those ships and my powers, they don't stand a chance!
Kroop: Yeah, but… I just thought of something. Have you even considered yet that they might not be so evil after all? We don't even know what the THING actually is!
Pyro: Yes… True, very true indeed… But what should we do then?
Kroop: I wish the explainer had been able to tell us what he found out! Oh! Pyro, the Explainer!
Pyro: Yes? He's trapped in the dinosaur age, so he won't be able to help us out!
Kroop: No. Remember, how did you create him?!
Pyro: By… giving you an extreme headache?
Kroop: Yes, by bending reality! Why don't you just bend it so that he is able to come here?!
Pyro: Genius! That could have been one of my ideas! Yes! If this works…
Pyro starts bending reality, bends it further and further, until…
There you are! Where did you go, so suddenly? You just left me alone!
Kroop: Explainer, we're in a whole lot of trouble!
What? Could you please explain this to me?
Pyro and Kroop explain the situation to the explainer.
Oh, I see. So you need to know what I found out now, right? I'll explain. It's actually pretty crazy! Would you have guessed that the THING is actually some kind of music recorder?!
Pyro: WHAT?!
Yes, exactly! Because there is no music in this dimension! They probably found an old music disk from our dimension and built a contraption to play it! But the guard said they lost it again a few centuries ago, probably fell into a portal.
Pyro: Then that must be when I found it! Then I decided to visit that dimension, and they stole it from me, and I stole it back, and now they stole it back again! It all makes sense!
Right! And now that they got it back, they didn't want to lose it again, so they locked you up!
Kroop: So all they were planning all along was… A disco??!
Pyro: Probably. And that makes matters a lot easier. Explainer, could you do some peace negotiation with them and ask them for some other teleportation artifact to get us back home? We have to stop the batt-
The spaceship they were in crashes right into the mother ship and they tumble into a huge hall full of mammoths, that is illuminated by flashing lights.
Pyro: Ow. I must've left the autopilot running…
Kroop: Look, it really is a disco! They're dancing! And that song…
Pyro: AAARGH! Don't tell me that the only disk from our dimension they ever acquired is "The World Is A Pizza" by DJ Dumbshroom! That stupid song haunts me! Even in other dimensions! Now they've got a completely wrong impression of our music taste, and they worship the worst song in existence!!!
Kroop: Pyro, we've got other problems now! They're not dancing anymore!
Pyro: Explainer! Now's your time to shine!
I'll try my very best!
Pyro is back in reality, where his glorious illusion show has come to an end.
Pyro: …they forgave us and gave me another thingy-looking thing, which we used to teleport back here. And so, we managed to come back to the Mushroom Kingdom just in time for this show!
For those of you wondering why the same show got cancelled and is still the one you all are in right now, I'll explain it. Of course, we didn't travel back to the time that we had already missed the appointment – but to the date of a few days BEFORE all that happened!
Kroop: Exactly. What a happy end, isn't it? I'm so glad to back home…
The audience cheers and applauds, this time without throwing tomatoes, as Pyro and Kroop bow and leave the stage.
Toad 2: Yeah, I mean, that's all nice and stuff. But how the heck did they do all this without thoroughly disturbing the space-time continuum?!
Toad 1: *shrugs* Well, what could happen? Nothing too harmful probably. Except maybe opening the Thousand-Year Door by accident or something like that... But that's WAY too unlikely to happen...
...or is it? ;-)
Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents
Written by: The Shoe (talk) and Time (talk) Advertising Conglomerate
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Disclaimer: For a wider understanding of The Sunshine Travel Guide Lore, read Cosmo In Rogueport before reading this issue. Or don't. I don't care.
Rogueport: A Real Steal
WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!! I'm in charge now! Say hello to the new Sunshine Travel Agency boss, COSMO! Also, this issue marks one year of The Sunshine Travel Guide! YAY! I made cake, and you can have some too. Just buy a cake from the shops, tada! You can enjoy cake too! WOOOOO!!
The Actual Introduction
Okay, I've calmed down. Today, we're going to look at Rogueport, and the areas surrounding it. We'll be looking at locals, nature, architecture, hotel quality, best shop offer, and activities! Today we will be skipping history though, as some bloke wrote a book about it already. Anyway, let's get into it!
Rogueport
Rogueport is a waypoint for many travelers. Its locals are nearly entirely made up of bandits and thieves. You can seek refuge in Podley's Place, a civilised bar with an inn on top. The inn, while spirited, is quite ramshackle and has a leak in the roof that will drive you crazy.
The west side of Rogueport contains a casino perfect for neglecting your children while gambling away your life savings. It is also pretty much the only activity in Rogueport. Fortunately you will not have to remain in Rogueport for long, as it is only used as a hub to reach our other locations.
The ancient city under Rogueport contains pipes to multiple locations. We have marked safe routes to each of them. At Rogueport Station, thanks to a deal with the Pianta Syndicate, we're able to send people on the train and blimp to other locations. This deal might not last, so act fast.
There are three shops in Rogueport. One sells affordable but common items, one sells expensive but rare items, and one sells badges. These are the top 3 deals I was able to find in Rogueport.
| The Super Luigi Collection | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Super Luigi was a massively popular series of books based on Luigi Mario's crusade through the Waffle Kingdom. Originally released in 2004, the Super Luigi series was regarded as the pinnacle of the "Super ____" series, and nothing released after it came close. It has now been rereleased in 2024 to a new generation! | |
| PRICE: | 79 coins | |
| W Emblem | ||
|---|---|---|
|
This is a rare badge that transforms you into a fat, greedy, ugly, stupid, Italian man. Wait a second, what is this doing on the list? | |
| PRICE: | 432 coins | |
| Member's Card | ||
|---|---|---|
|
The member's cards of Pianta Parlor allow you to enter an underground racing stadium. You can buy different tiers, which give you access to different races. | |
| PRICE: | 300 coins | |
"The houses were comfy and fine, and the owners took a few minutes before they realised there was a random guy in their house. 9/10" - AlivePotato
Petalburg
Petalburg is a sweet town deep in Petal Meadows. The population consists of Koopas, Toads, and some weird flower dude. A great spot to relax, but quite small. There isn't much to do but lie around in the flowers, go fishing, or explore some Petal Meadows trails.
The locals are all chill and nice, the inn is cosy, and the weather is good. Petalburg isn't essential, but can be a nice place to rest. Anyway, here's the best deal from Petalburg.
| Courage Shell | ||
|---|---|---|
|
The Courage Shell is a fairly rare item that is perfect as a good luck charm. Legends say that it makes you tougher and braver. | |
| PRICE: | 5 coins | |
"Petal Meadows is a cheerful place to wallow in despair, then leave as soon as somebody needs you, forcing them to go on a tedious and unnecessary sidequest. 9/10" - TheWhiteBobombGeneral
Boggly Woods
Boggly Woods is an otherworldly forest, with a lack of shops or inns. The Great Boggly Tree is at the center of the woods, but isn't open for tourists. Honestly, there isn't really anything to do here. No shops or inns or people. Better off skipping it.
"Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh, Guh Guh Guh! Guh? Guh Guh. Guhh…. 4/10" - MarilynGuh
Glitzville
On the other hand, Glitzville is a flying city famous for its tourism. With multiple shops and celebrities, Glitzville is a good place to watch the renowned fighting league, The Glitz Pit! With champion fighters such as The Great Gonzales Jr., Rawk Hawk and Prince Mush.
There is a juice bar just outside the Glitz Pit, where you could see some of your favourite fighters, and the Glitzville shop makes for a great place to buy souvenirs of your favourite fighters! Here are some of their best deals!
| Glitz Pit Monthly | ||
|---|---|---|
|
The awesome Glitz Pit magazine contains news, interviews, and deep dives, a must get for any Glitzy eyed fans. | |
| PRICE: | 7 coins for a single issue, 60 for a yearly subscription | |
| Trustworthy Cake | ||
|---|---|---|
|
This is a good cake that isn't poisoned or anything like that it's completely safe I promise | |
| PRICE: | FREE | |
| Autograph Of Your Choice | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Wow! They sell autographs of any fighter you like. You can finally meet your favourite fighter, who surprisingly is actually pretty nice! | |
| PRICE: | Depends on the fighter | |
"Yeah! I love this place! The Great Gonzales Jr. is my favourite! He's also my dad's favourite! WOOOOOOOOO!!! 10/10" - HyperactiveToadKid
Twilight Town
Twilight Town is a village trapped(?) in a constant twilight. The residents are all Goth teenagers friendly and always talking about pigs, for some reason. The town is relatively peaceful, but also unnerving.
You can head down an old trail to a historical mansion called the Creepy Steeple, but it's filled with ghosts and stuff. Honestly, this place isn't very interesting. They still have a shop though!
| The letter "P" | ||
|---|---|---|
|
Uh, what kind of shop is this? Hmm, uh, do you like the letter P? Well buy this, and you can take the letter P with you wherever you go? I don't know. | |
| PRICE: | 40 coins | |
"It's gloomy and icky and sad and sad and icky 3/10" - RainbowsandSunshine
Keelhaul Key
Keelhaul Key is a tropical island with little civilisation. After taking Cortez's ship there, you can stay and enjoy the beach in Shantytown, or go trailblazing through the forest. There's also an ancient pirate lair.
The perfect place to take your pirate obsessed kids, Keelhaul Key has historical tours, spooky stories, hiking, swimming, and good food! Plus a fully functional shop!
| Keel Mango | ||
|---|---|---|
|
I don't like mangos but some people do so you might like this… | |
| PRICE: | 4 coins | |
"BOOM BASSA BOOM FESTIVAAL 10/10" - boominfestival
Poshley Heights
Poshley Heights is a town filled with rich celebrities. The town can only be reached by taking the Excess Express, a luxurious train. The train is so good some people only go to Poshley Heights so they can take the train.
Poshley Heights has a fantastic inn, with different floors depending on how much you pay. Paying 30 coins allows you to stay in the Penthouse, while paying 5 coins would get you a budget room.
Poshley Heights also contains many shops, with great deals. Here's some of the best.
| Pasta | ||
|---|---|---|
|
I hope they made lotsa spaghetti | |
| PRICE: | 50 coins?! | |
"Yes, Poshley Heights is a lovely town, good for rich folks like me. Unfortunately there is no train store… 8/10" - GoldenBoB
Fahr Outpost
Fahr Outpost is a cold but cozy town. It is populated by kind Bob-ombs with an icy exterior. Fahr Outpost has a warm, cosy inn, and a small shop, but there isn't anything to do beyond playing in the snow.
| Cosy Blanket | ||
|---|---|---|
|
This blanket was made by the innkeeper. It's soft and warm, and feels like happiness. | |
| PRICE: | 10 coins | |
"It's cold but pleasant, and quite nice to stay in. 8/10" - NotActuallyAReference
Conclusion
Well, that was long. I put extra effort into this issue, because it's the one year anniversary of The Sunshine Travel Guide. In case you didn't know, there's a bonus Sunshine Travel Guide story in this issue. If you haven't read it yet, read it. If you have any suggestions for the section, contact me on the forums. Until next time, Cosmo out.
