The 'Shroom:Issue 208/Paper 'Shroom: Choose-Your-Own-Adventure/Pianta Parlor
Paper 'Shroom: Pianta Parlor
Pianta Parlor
You enter the parlor, a loud place full of people gambling. It's both bright and dim as you see busy Boo waitresses delivering drinks to gamblers playing the various games. You exchange your coins for Pianta Tokens and wander around the parlor, trying to decide what to play.
Check out the slot machines. Sit at the Poker table. Roll the dice at the Craps table Spin the Roulette. Look at the back room. I'm not interested…
Not a Gambler
"Casinos are dens of sin and greed where fools are separated from their coin," you think to yourself as you look around the casino. Throughout the casino, gamblers who look like zombies lose their money over and over. You see people making fools of themselves, chugging down what are sure to be watered down complimentary drinks. You decide you want no part of this den of sin and decide to leave, looking for a better part of Rogueport.
Pianta Parlor: Playing Slots!
You sit down at one of the machines, put a token, and pull a large lever to start it. The machine activates, filling the surrounding area with colors and lights. You watch as the symbols spin so fast you can't make them out. The machine stops. Flower, Pow Block, Star. Rats! Nothing!
Stop the Slots!
"Well that was stupid," you say under your breath as you walk away from the machine, realizing that slot machines are nothing more than random chance.
Slot Me Away!
After that loss, you think to yourself about how slot machines are only programmed to pay out winners on every few rolls. Because of this, you determine that the machine must be close to paying out a winner. Happily, you place another token into the machine, pulling the lever. Mushroom, Don Pianta, Star. Rats! Nothing! Another Loser!
Slot Your Coins Goodbye
Even though, again, slot machines are basically just random chance (and in fact, they're actually probably worse than random chance because they're programmed not to give out winners often), you've convinced yourself that this time you will be a winner! You put in another token and…
Seven!
Seven!
Don Pianta!
"Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," you scream internally! You were so close to the big jackpot! Now you're completely convinced the big winner is coming up. You spend the next few hours like a zombie, inserting token after token into the machine. Before you know it, you've busted out. All your money has been put into this damn machine. With not a token left to your name ,you're asked to leave by a big scary Pianta whose name tag just says "Rocko" on it. You wander the streets of Rogueport, trying to figure out how you're going to explain to Shoey how you gambled all your money away….
Pianta Parlor: Playing Poker!
You decide to sit down at the table for a nice game of Texas Hold 'Em. Now, what Texas is, you're not sure, but a nice game of cards should be pretty fun. You're dealt your hand, a 4 of spades and an ace of hearts
All-Out
Are you sure about this, buddy? You haven't even seen any of the flop cards yet. I mean, I know we've got high card, but shouldn't we wait for something else! No? Trust you? Okay, well, despite my better judgment, you go all-in. Flop cards are flipped and revealed to be a 2 of diamonds, a queen of spades, and a 5 of hearts.
Oh look at that, you've got nothing. Predictably, your bluff does not work and you're out of chips. Maybe next time you'll think a little bit before you go all-in!
Not-so Bold…
Ar-Are you serious? You haven't even seen a single flop card and you're folding? What's wrong with you? Why did you even sit down at the table if you were gonna be such a big wiener? You fold the cards like a coward and everyone starts booing you. You're asked to leave the table. You know what? To be honest, I don't think you're cut out for this adventure. I think something like Big Thinkers Kindergarten Edition is more your speed, so I'm just gonna call it!
I'll Raise You!
You decide to raise 10. After all, these cards aren't exactly great, but you reckon you might be able to bluff some of these people out. The first flop card is revealed, and, would you look at that, it's a 4 of hearts. Your current hand is a pair, not a great pair, but a pair nonetheless.
I'll Raise You Again!
With a pair in hand and hoping your hand only gets better, you decide to raise again. This time it works and one of the other players, a Little Mouser, folds. The flop card flips and it's a jack of clubs. Well, that doesn't really do anything for you.
Raise Defeat…
Still sitting with a pair but really hoping that final flop card is something good, you decide to raise once again, hoping that maybe you can make the pot so big that everyone else folds. It almost works! But one of the players, a Pianta, decides to call your bet. The final flop card turns! It's an ace of diamonds. You place your card on the table with just the pair of 4s. Unfortunately for you, your opponent has a three of a kind on jacks, so he wins the pot.
Calling This Bet
This hand isn't exactly great, so you decide to just call. The flop card comes and it's a 7 of hearts, so basically nothing.
Calling This Bet… Again
You continue to have nothing, but wanting to play out this hand, you call again. This time, the flop card is 9 of spades, so, again, it's nothing that really helps you.
Call Rejected...
Despite having a whole heaping helping of nothing, you decide not to leave this hand. Playing it safe, you decide to call, and it's a good thing, too ,because the flop card is the 2 of diamonds. You present your cards. You've got high cards and not much else. A Goomba celebrates as he collects the pot on a two pair.
Calculated Call
That raise may have got you a pair, but it's a pretty low pair, so you decide to just call. Shoot, maybe you should have raised, because the flop card was an ace of clubs! Your current hand is a two pair!!
Calimari Raising At Your Expense
With a two pair in your hand, you decide you'd be a fool not to raise. The flop card doesn't really help you, being a 5 of spades. You plop down your cards, confident you're going to win…
Oh, you've got to be kidding me! The Blooper across from you also has 2 pair, but his pairs are aces and 5s. He has a high card over you! What are the odds!?
Lucky Squid
With a two pair in your hand, you decide you'd be best off to stand pat and just call. The flop card doesn't really help you, being a 5 of spades. You plop down your cards, confident you're going to win…
Oh, you've got to be kidding me! The Blooper across from you also has 2 pair but his pairs are aces and 5s. He has a high card over you! What are the odds!?
Raise to a Pair
Okay, sure, you don't really have anything, but they don't know that! I'm sure you can bluff these guys out no problem! You raise the bet just a little bit, but nobody bites. They all call, which is sub–optimal… The next flop card is another 7. Specifically, it's a 7 of hearts, so at least you've got a pair?
Buzz-Off!
Okay, so you don't really have anything. I mean, you've got a pair and you've got a high card, but other than that, nothing! But you still want to play this one out, so you decide to call, hoping that maybe that last flop card can be something like another ace.
Well, unfortunately, it's not another ace. It's a 2 of diamonds, not that it would matter anyways since the Buzzy Beetle across from you has two 7s in his hand, giving him four of a kind.
Bills For Beetle
Okay, so you don't really have anything. I mean, you've got a pair and you've got a high card, but other than that, nothing! THAT JUST MEANS YOU GOTTA RAISE BIG TO BLUFF THESE GUYS OUT! You raise half your chips, thinking it'll cause the whole hand to collapse and making you the winner by default.
Well, unfortunately, that's not what happens. Instead, two players stay in, calling your bet. The final flop card is a queen of spades, not that it would matter anyways since the Buzzy Beetle across from you has two 7s in his hand, giving him four of a kind.
Poker Again!
You lose, but, you know what? That was fun! What a rush! You've only played one hand, but you are hooked. You spend the rest of the night playing poker, chasing the big victory, but it never comes and by morning you've lost it all…
Everything you brought, everything you were paid by The 'Shroom, gone. With no money left, you're escorted out of the Parlor. The worst part is all you really wanna do is play one more hand.
Pianta Parlor: Playing Craps!
You walk up to the craps table and place down a few chips. The dealer hands you the dice.
No Craps…
"Well that was neat," you say to yourself, but it's better to be cautious at one of these casinos. After all, you don't want to start throwing good money after bad! So you decide to walk away for right now and decide to go try your luck at something else!
Bad Roll…
You give the dice a mighty fine shake. After all, as your great great grandpappy always said, "the harder you shake the dice, the better the roll!" You throw the dice… and, ah, raspberries, 2! You lose!
You're Not On A Roll…
Alright, well that first roll was suboptimal, but I'm sure we can win everything back! We just need one good roll and we're back in this, baby! Confident that you won't lose two bets in a row, you grab the dice again and throw them on the board.
Oh… Damn, 3. Well, huh, it turns out you can lose two bets in a row!
Crapped Out
Okay, okay, let's calm down. Yes, we might have exchanged every coin we brought for tokens, and sure we've taken quite a beating at the table, but… Well, you know life is full of peaks and valleys! We've experienced the valleys and now it's time for the peaks! In fact, you know what? Bet everything we've got on this roll! I've got a feeling, and fortune favors the bold! Yep I'm sure this roll will be the start of our luck turning a-
"3. Shooter busts," the dealer says as he wrangles up the dice and your remaining tokens.
Well, that's it! You've lost everything… Huh? What should we do now? Oh wait, I know!
Blow Me Away!
Having seen this happen in movies, you blow on the dice for good luck. You roll the dice and… Oh my god, 7! It's a lucky seven! You won!
Cashing In
"Hey, that was pretty cool," you think to yourself as you collect your winnings. You ponder over whether or not you should keep playing, but you decide that it's probably smarter to quit while you're ahead. You collect your tokens as the dealer side-eyes you and you decide to explore the rest of the Parlor.
A Lucky Break!
You can't walk away now! You're a winner! You slam down your winnings and double your bet. After all, you're a pro! You always get the right roll in Mario Party! As you're shaking the dice, you realize you don't want to ruin a good thing so, being the superstitious man you are, you blow on the dice again. You roll the dice and… I don't believe this! 11! You win again!
Greedy Gambler…
This is it! This is the greatest day of your life! Look at all these tokens you've won! You're the greatest gambler of all time! And you're not done yet. After all, they say 90% of gamblers quit before they hit it big! Hell, by the time you're done at this table, they're gonna call you the Dice King!
Confident that your luck will never run out, you put all your chips on the table and tell the dealer that, by the time this roll is over, they're going to be signing the deed to the parlor over to you! You give the dice a mighty blow, your strongest yet. You throw them as your thoughts turn to all the nice things you're going to buy with you-
"2. Shooter busts," you hear the dealer say as you see him corral the dice and what were your once winnings. You stare at the table, staring at what could have been, at what you lost. Everything turns white as you collapse from shock. People surround you, trying to get you medical attention. By the time you come to, you're already back in New Wikisburg. After coming to, you immediately start crying, thinking about what could have been if only you had quit while you were ahead…
Pianta Parlor: Betting on Roulette!
Something calls you to the roulette table. The spinning the colors, the numbers, it all makes you feel so alive.
Zero Chance…
You look at the table, trying to decide what to bet on when your eyes set on the singular green space on the table. "Double zero," you think to yourself. The ultimate gamble…
In your head, you do some rough math, trying to figure out your odds of hitting double zero and what you'd win if you do. Now, your math skills aren't great and this is just a rough estimate, but you determine that, if you bet all your chips on double zero and hit, you'll win beeg, beeg money.
With the formula secured, you throw down all your chips on double zero. The dealer places the ball on the table. It spins, spins, spins, around, and…
9 red… Oh shoot, I'm looking at your math and it turns out you forgot to carry the two. If you'd done that, you'd realize your odds of hitting double zero were somewhere between slim and none.
Cheer up, mate. You might have lost all your money within thirty seconds of entering the casino, but at least you… Uh, uh… uhm… Well, I don't actually have anything for you. I guess you could try again?
Red Bet
You study the board, thinking of any and all strategies you could have before deciding "screw it". You like red more than black, so red it is! Placing a few chips on red, you watch as the ball spins round and round before landing on 20 black. Aw, shoot, you lose.
Red Bet Again
"Well, what are the odds of black hitting again?" You think to yourself as you place some chips on red again. The ball spins and spins and spins before landing on… Aw, damn, would you look at that? 17 black. Huh, what are the odds?
Red Dead Wallet
"Okay," you think to yourself, "there's no way it can be black again. We're totally due for a red". Your luck's gonna change right here! You throw down a few chips on red. The ball spins around and around… annnnnnd
15 black…
After this, you spend the rest of the night at the roulette table desperately swapping from red to black. Back and forth you go on your bets, but, somehow, defying all logic, you never manage to win a single bet. By the morning, you're wiped out and thrown out of the Pianta Parlor. Tired, exhausted, and broke, you collapse on the ground, muttering under your breath.
"They'll see… My luck's gonna change..."
Betting on Black
You study the board, thinking of any and all strategies you could have before deciding "screw it". You like black more than red, so black it is! Placing a few chips on black, you watch as the ball spins round and round before landing on 14 red. Aw, shoot, you lose.
Betting on Black Again
"Well, what are the odds of red hitting again?" You think to yourself as you place some chips on black again. The ball spins and spins and spins before landing on… Aw, damn, would you look at that? 30 red. Huh, what are the odds?
Bad Bet
"Okay," you think to yourself, "there's no way it can be red again. We're totally due for a black". Your luck's gonna change right here! You throw down a few chips on black. The ball spins around and around… annnnnnd
15 red…
After this, you spend the rest of the night at the roulette table desperately swapping from red to black. Back and forth you go on your bets, but, somehow, defying all logic, you never manage to win a single bet. By the morning, you're wiped out and thrown out of the Pianta Parlor. Tired, exhausted, and broke, you collapse on the ground, muttering under your breath.
"They'll see… My luck's gonna change..."
From Red to Black!
Well, your dad always said that if one side hits, that means it's going to hit the other way next. You move your chips to black, confident that this will be the winning move. The ball spins and spins and spins before landing on… 12 red… Damn it.
From Black to Red
Well, your dad always said that if one side hits, that means it's going to hit the other way next. You move your chips to red, confident that this will be the winning move. The ball spins and spins and spins before landing on… 11 black… Damn it.
Bankrupt From Black…
Okay, red didn't pan out, so I guess, clearly…IT'S EVERY OTHER ONE! BACK TO BLACK IT IS! You place a few chips down on black, now realizing the strategy! Smugly, you watch the ball spin, knowing you've got a winner already picked when…
Oh, turns out you don't know the strategy. 13 red. Well that's bad for you.
Determined that now you've got the strategy despite your losses, you spend the rest of the night at the roulette table, convinced you've got the winning moves. Spoiler alert, you, uh, don't! By the time the sun comes up, you're broke, not a token to your name. Escorted out of the Parlor since you don't have any money, you look up at the sky in a daze, wondering what to do next.
You're Seeing Red…
Okay, black didn't pan out, so I guess, clearly…IT'S EVERY OTHER ONE! BACK TO RED IT IS! You place a few chips down on red, now realizing the strategy! Smugly, you watch the ball spin, knowing you've got a winner already picked when…
Oh, turns out you don't know the strategy. 27 black. Well that's bad for you.
Determined that now you've got the strategy despite your losses, you spend the rest of the night at the roulette table, convinced you've got the winning moves. Spoiler alert, you, uh, don't! By the time the sun comes up, you're broke, not a token to your name. Escorted out of the Parlor since you don't have any money, you look up at the sky in a daze, wondering what to do next.
Pianta Parlor: Back
As you walk around the casino, watching all these suckers losing their shirts at the various tables, you come upon a room marked "private". With your journalistic curiosity piqued, you push open the door just a tad and find the count room. If you don't remember, that's where all the money the casino has won is collected. You look around and notice that nobody is looking.
Not Willing to Steal
Now, while you notice that it doesn't look like anybody is paying attention to you, you put two and two together and decide that stealing from a casino is a good way to catch an ass beating, to say the least. Deciding that you're not looking to get stabbed today, you decide to just walk away and return to the rest of the parlor.
No Chips For Free…
You look around again and see nobody is looking. "Screw it," you decide! These fat cats make enough money off the backs of the hardworking citizens of Rogueport. They'll never miss a few missing tokens. With sleight of hand rivaling even that of legendary thief Popple, you manage to fill your pockets full of chips without being detected. You sit down at the bar, confident that you've gotten away with this, when two big burly Pianta come up next to you.
"Hey yous, I believe yous got something that belongs to us," says the one wearing a nametag that says "Big Morty" on it.
You try to claim ignorance, pretending you have no idea what they're talking about, but that just seems to make them angry. They grab you, hoisting you up with ease. . "Come on, yous let's have a little conversation outside," Big Morty says. You start to plead with them, telling them that this is all a big misunderstanding, but they ignore you, dragging you outside for what's sure to be a violent conversation.
