The 'Shroom:Issue 208/Paper 'Shroom: Choose-Your-Own-Adventure/Keelhaul Key
Paper 'Shroom: Keelhaul Key
Land Ho! Keelhaul Key
After spending several days sailing across the ocean (which felt like a lot longer since you had to endure Flavio's incessant shanties for the whole trip), your ship finally docks at Keelhaul Key. In the meantime, you decided to keep a journal, figuring that even if the treasure turns out to be a bust, at least you'll have something to turn in at the end of the trip. Unfortunately, it's mostly just about those two times you got seasick and in all likelihood that would spell instant rejection if you tried to apply with it.
As you disembark and step onto solid ground once more, Flavio takes a deep breath of the Keelhaul air. "At last, we are here! With Flavio's assistance, you can expect to find this treasure in no time! Onward!"
Flavio abruptly runs off into the jungle, prompting Rose to roll their eyes as they begin explaining some of the finer points of the assignment. "This is going to be a little tricky because we don't know the exact location of Cortez's treasure. There's lots of different rumors and legends, but those aren't very reliable and a lot of them conflict with each other. We'll have to search for some clues."
Pitohui chimes in. "Hmm... If I may suggest, Rose, why don't you search the jungle and I'll explore Pirate's Grotto? That would leave the shoreline, which would be much safer for a writer with less experience."
"That's fine with me. What do you think?" Rose asks.
That seems kind of boring, but you're not really in a position to argue with two senior members of the staff, so you agree and start scouring the shoreline while Rose and Pitohui head off on their own excursions. Turns out, you were right, this is kind of boring! You don't find anything even remotely suggesting something may have at one time been out of place. In other words, the lost pirate treasure definitely isn't buried anywhere around here.
By the time you've finished, Rose has returned from the jungle. That only leaves Pirate's Grotto... Maybe you could give it a look?
Talk to Rose
"No luck for you either? It must be in the caves then. I don't know about you, but I'm going to take in the sunshine for a while until Pito gets back from scouting."
Go swimming
As you take in the fresh ocean breeze and the pristine waters off the coast of Keelhaul Key, you think to yourself that treasure hunting can wait a little longer! Sure, technically all you've done so far is wander up and down the shoreline a few times and you haven't gotten your big scoop yet, but you could use a break, right? Who knows when you'll get the chance to visit a tropical island like this again. Eager to take advantage of the situation, you rush toward the ocean and jump into the water with a big splash! Wow, this is great!
...Or is it?
You notice far too late that you're being surrounded by a large school of very carnivorous looking fish! "NIBBLES ATTACK!" you hear someone shout from the shantytown. Maybe you should've thought twice before jumping into the waters of an exotic locale? You feel a sharp pain before everything goes black, and the next thing you know, you're recovering on land. Unfortunately, you're in no shape to go treasure hunting now. When you get home, you write a scathing article on the dangers of Nibbles and exercising proper safety while swimming, so at least you got something out of it?
Enter Pirate's Grotto
Ready to get your hands on some treasure, you excitedly tell Rose that you're heading to Pirate's Grotto too.
"Really? I can't stop you, but you'd better be careful in there," they say.
With a rush of enthusiasm, you head for Pirate's Grotto, and you can practically smell the lost pirate treasure as you step into the cavern. Actually, it's the smell of a musty old cave on a tropical island, but you figure that's probably what lost pirate treasure smells like.
Making your way deeper inside, you come across a rickety wooden bridge suspended over the murky, Nibbles-infested water below. You don't like the look of that bridge at all, but no matter how hard you look, there's no other way forward. Looks like you have a decision to make. You could cross slowly to be as careful as possible, but that bridge doesn't look like it can hold your weight for very long, so maybe it would be better to go faster? Take all the time you need to think it over.
Cross quickly
That bridge looks like it could go at any time, so you decide to step on as few boards as possible by taking long steps as much as your legs will let you. It seems to be working great, and in no time at all, you're almost at the end! Unfortunately, it's too good to be true... As you're only a step or two away from reaching the end, you hear a loud crunch beneath your feet. Your stomach drops, and then the rest of you follows suit as the board you're standing on gives way and you plunge into the water filled with swarming Nibbles. If only you had been more careful...
Chicken out
You know what, forget this! That bridge is clearly a death trap waiting to happen! Well, you're not going to be the one to fall for it! You decide right then and there that you're just not cut out for this treasure hunting stuff and that you'd rather be writing a story in a cozy 'Shroom office instead of risking life and limb out here. So, at the first sign of potential danger, you turn around and leave. Looks like the only section you'll be getting out of this experience is a Critic Corner review of Keelhaul Key coconuts.
Cross slowly
Slow and steady wins the race, they say. This bridge looks scary, but you think you'll probably be fine if you take things carefully and pay attention. With a sort of hurried caution, you move slowly as quickly as you can, taking extra care to step over some rotten-looking boards. That would've been really bad for you if you stepped on them! Before you know it, you're at the end, safely on solid ground once more.
Continuing through a tunnel on the other side, you encounter signs of life - or perhaps unlife - and unfortunately for you, it doesn't look too friendly. A group of nasty-looking Embers guards another tunnel up ahead, but you also see some barrels floating in the water below. If you wanted to avoid the Embers, you could probably hop along those barrels and take a different path. Then again, if it's unguarded, it probably doesn't lead to Cortez's horde...
Ember path
Look, you don't know everything in the world about treasure hunting, but you do know that valuable things are usually guarded, so you decide to deal with the Embers. Unfortunately, you didn't bring any combat items with you on this trip, much less something suitable for fiery foes! Is it too late to sail back to Rogueport and stock up on items? Probably...
You can think of a few strategies, but which one is the best? You probably only have one shot at this, so you better make it count.
Run through as fast as you can Lure them out of the way Fight them head-on
Run past Embers
You decide that trying to fight the Embers is a really silly idea that probably won't go in your favor. Maybe you can just run past them really fast before they even have a chance to attack! Besides, even great adventurers don't always fight all the resistance they encounter, so it's a verified strategy, or something like that.
You rush towards the tunnel... which basically amounts to running headfirst into the Embers and catching on fire. Turns out, running past something doesn't work very well when it's guarding a relatively small entrance! Now you're running around like crazy and the Embers didn't even have to put up much of a fight. In your panicking state, you trip off the edge of a cliff and plunge into the water below. That does put out the fire at least, but now you have hungry Nibbles to contend with instead. Have fun!
Fight Embers
What, are you nuts? You're seriously going to try fighting ghost fire completely unarmed? How did you even write a passable application coming up with plans like that? Fine, knock yourself out.
It goes about as well as you'd expect it to. The Embers show no mercy, and, well, let's just say you're a prime candidate to get roped into joining a ghost pirate crew, like it or not. At least you'll get to see that treasure? It's not quite the way you were hoping, but you know, gotta look for silver linings where you can, I guess.
Lure Embers
This is going to take some careful strategy... You decide to get the attention of the Embers, shouting appropriately fire-themed insults like "you're not so hot" and "your mother was a pizza oven". They're pretty pathetic, actually. But it works! The Embers abandon their post to attack you, giving you the perfect opportunity to kite around them and run ahead through the tunnel!
Even though there's only one way you could've gone, they seem to have lost interest in you already. Some guards!
Open cavern
You come through the tunnel into a large open area lit up by torches. It looks like a nice break from what you've experienced so far, with no obvious traps or obstacles of any kind. Take in the lack of peril while you can, it's probably not going to last. Also, Pitohui is here! Looks like you've caught up to him.
Talk to Pitohui
"Oh, hello again. I didn't expect to see you in here. I've been taking it slow, these caverns are very treacherous, to say the least."
You explain to Pitohui that nothing came up for you and Rose in your searches, so you decided to enter Pirate's Grotto yourself.
"Well... If neither of you found anything, then Cortez's treasure must be in here if it really does exist. I'm impressed that you got this far, but do be careful going ahead."
Spike room
In the next room, you find an especially nasty obstacle - rows of spike traps! The ones closest to you are retracted right now, so you could make a run for it if you want...
Run through now while you can Wait for the spikes to cycle again, then run
Run now
The moment of opportunity is now, and you seize it, running forward across the retracted spike traps! This turns out to be an extremely poor decision as the spikes begin protruding again, too fast for you to outrun them. Let's just say things get very painful!
Wait for spikes
You decide to play things safe, waiting for the spike traps to begin a new cycle and running through as soon as it retracts. This works great and gives you enough time to make it through unscathed!
Dull Bones
Passing through another tunnel, you come face to face with a sword-wielding Dry Bones!
"Grackackack! You'll never reach Dread Pirate Cortez's treasure!" he taunts.
Wait a minute, that's not just any Dry Bones - you realize that it's a Dull Bones, the weakest member of the Dry Bones family! Pfft, this guy is probably a pushover. Literally, you could just push him over and he'd collapse! Just as you're about to do that, you notice a long stick on the ground that might make a good makeshift weapon for a swordfight in a pinch... What do you do?
Push him over
There's no need to complicate things, really. You move in to simply push the Dull Bones over, expecting to watch him crumble into a pile of scattered bones. Unfortunately, that's not what happens! He slashes at you with his sword, knocking you to the ground and tearing your clothes. Now he's pointing that sharp sword of his in your face...
"Grackackack! Now you see what happens when you stick your nose where it doesn't belong, matey!"
You don't know what's going to happen next, but you're pretty sure it's not good...
Grab stick
What would this adventure be without a pirate swordfight? You grab the stick, strike a dramatic pose for flair, and go in swinging! As it turns out, this Dull Bones is a really bad swordfighter! He's not able to do anything before you get a lucky swing, knocking off one of his arms and sending his sword flying. Now faced with nothing more but a defenseless, one-armed Dull Bones, you give him a good whack across the torso with the stick and he crumbles instantly.
"Aaarrgh..."
Before you move on, you could nab that sword of his if you want. Maybe a little craftsmanship analysis is eligible for Palette Swap? If nothing else, it could make a nice souvenir.
Leave sword
"That sword is probably cursed," you think to yourself, deciding to leave it on the ground where it belongs. Besides, a skeleton touched it and that's kind of icky.
You continue your journey through the cave, passing through the next tunnel and finally encountering a sunken pirate ship! This must be it, Cortez's treasure is just ahead! You climb aboard, discovering a massive heap of treasure - and no one to guard it! You have no idea how much this massive pile of coins and gemstones is worth, but you figure it must be millions - maybe even billions! As you step forward to take a closer look, a massive skeletal pirate materializes out of thin air, filling you with terror!
"Yohohohoho! And just what do we have here? Another adventurer trying to plunder my treasure!"
Unfortunately for you, you're too terrified to even respond. Not that it would do you much good, probably!
"You must be some fool, amigo! Coming here to steal my treasure while you're completely unarmed! Let me show you what happens to thieves who cross the great Cortez! Yohohoho!"
With no weapon to defend yourself, you're pretty much powerless against a pirate ghost with a very sharp-looking sword. Better brace for impact, hopefully it'll be quick...
Take sword
It couldn't hurt to take it with you, especially since you don't know what other threats you might face. You pick up the sword and shake off the still-attached forearm of the Dull Bones, gripping the handle tightly as you get ready to press on.
You continue your journey through the cave, passing through the next tunnel and finally encountering a sunken pirate ship! This must be it, Cortez's treasure is just ahead! You climb aboard, discovering a massive heap of treasure - and no one to guard it! You have no idea how much this massive pile of coins and gemstones is worth, but you figure it must be millions - maybe even billions!
Rush toward treasure
Excited at finally finding the treasure, you rush toward it, ready to swim through piles of coins like a cartoon duck! Unfortunately, your dreams are stopped in their tracks by the sudden appearance of a massive skeletal pirate!
"Yohohohoho! And just what do we have here? Another adventurer trying to plunder my treasure!"
Before you even have a chance to react, you clumsily run straight into Cortez's sword, knocking yourself out without the slightest bit of effort for him. See what happens when you get greedy?
Approach treasure slowly
Keeping the possibility of traps open in the back of your mind, you cautiously approach the pile of treasure to get a closer look at it. Suddenly, a massive skeletal pirate materializes on top of the horde!
"Yohohohoho! And just what do we have here? Another adventurer trying to plunder my treasure!"
Choose how you proceed very carefully!
Run away
You did not sign up for this when you first applied to write for The 'Shroom! Without another word, you spin around and run away as fast as you can, probably breaking some speed records as you hear Cortez's mocking laughter fade away in the distance.
Reconvening with Rose and Pitohui, the three of you decide that pursuing the matter any farther would be too dangerous. Since you were the only one to see it, you take the lead on co-writing the section. It's very exciting, and not a bad outcome overall! Still, you can't help but wonder how things would've been different if you were able to bring some of that treasure back home with you...
Negotiate
Well... This is all for journalism, right? You tell Cortez that you're a writer for The 'Shroom and try to convince him to let you write a story about his lost treasure horde, promising you won't take anything for yourself.
"How stupid do you think I am, amigo? That has to be the sorriest excuse I've ever heard! And even if you were telling the truth, I didn't terrorize the seven seas to become a sideshow attraction!"
Well, that didn't work.
Fight Cortez
Despite your lack of swordfighting experience (that Dull Bones barely counts), you decide that the only way forward is to fight Cortez for the treasure! With fire in your eyes, you point your sword directly at the dreaded pirate! The size difference between the two of you is pretty comical, to be honest.
"So that's the way you want to play it, amigo! En garde!"
Strike 1
You start the duel by immediately striking at Cortez! Unfortunately, your enthusiasm doesn't correlate to any positive outcomes.
"Just as I expected, amigo!"
Cortez easily counters your move, knocking the sword from your hand and leaving you completely defenseless. You probably won't like what happens next...
Parry 1
Cortez strikes at you with his sword, and you counter by parrying. You're still in it - you can do this!
"Aha! At last, Flavio has found the hidden treasure!"
Oh no... You thought you lost that guy. What a great time for him to show up... You try to keep your attention firmly focused on Cortez, since anything else would likely be certain death. Cortez seems to be able to afford a little distraction, however.
"What in blazes? Who else dares to enter the lair of Cortez?"
Hey, maybe this will be a good thing! Flavio can help you fight him and-
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Never mind. Flavio's hollering quickly gets more distant and disappears altogether, so it's all up to you!
Strike 2
Okay, now's the time, he's distracted! You strike at Cortez, but he wasn't as distracted as you thought he was and easily counters, knocking the sword from your hand and leaving you completely defenseless. You probably won't like what happens next...
Parry 2
You successfully parry a second time! You might just be stalling at this point, although for what, you're not quite sure.
"Who taught you to duel? You fight like a Goomba, amigo! You'll have to strike me sooner or later!"
Strike 3
Strike sooner or later? Okay! You strike at Cortez, but you're just playing right into the dread pirate's expectations. He easily counters, knocking the sword out of your hands and leaving you defenseless. Well, it was a good run...
Parry 3
Knowing from his taunting that Cortez expects you to strike, you parry yet again!
"You've got to be kidding, amigo..."
Parry 4
Why ruin a good thing, right? You parry again! Take that, Cortez!
"This fight is as dull as a rusty old sword, amigo! You've wasted enough of my time! Hear my voice, spirits, destroy this pathetic mushroom!"
Suddenly, a group of Embers appear to assist Cortez, and you're hopelessly outnumbered. You have a feeling this isn't fair swordplay, but you won't be alive long enough to protest to anyone!
Strike 4
You have a feeling that you've lured Cortez into a false sense of security and he just expects you to keep parrying all day. Taking this as your opportune moment, you plunge your sword straight into Cortez's ribcage for a direct strike!
"AAAAAARGH!"
The sound of rattling bones echoes throughout the cave before Cortez vanishes back into the ether from where he came. Now nothing stands between you and heaps of treasure! So, so much treasure!
You figure you owe it to your employers to take the lead on co-writing one final 'Shroom section about the experience before you take your share and retire with more money than you know what to do with. But you know what, Keelhaul Key was a really nice place. You decide to return there and put your money to good work as you start building your very own tropical resort!
Barrel path
You successfully hop across the barrels, then get back to a narrow stretch of solid ground once again. You continue ahead until you notice an old rope lying on the ground. Taking note of your surroundings, you see a stalactite on the ceiling that you could use to swing across the water to the other side.
Swing across
"This should be easy," you think to yourself. Tying the rope into the proper shape, you lasso the stalactite and swing across the water, just like in that action movie you saw one time! Only there's just one problem, you're a journalist, not an action movie hero. The stalactite was a lot less sturdy than you thought and it collapses under your weight, dropping you right into the water! Now your action star dreams are crushed and it looks like you're going to end up as fish bait.
Ignore rope
That seems a little dangerous, so you ignore the dramatic stunt and press on. There was probably nothing important over there anyway!
Eventually, you come to a set of two tunnels. One of them is completely dark, but the other one looks like there's light on the other side.
Fork
You go down the tunnel and find another set of paths! This is starting to feel a little like a maze... And not the cool ones from Fun Stuff.
Right path
You decide to take the right path, encountering a deep chasm. You think you might be able to jump across to the other side, though. It's not something you usually do, but uh, maybe those Olympics video games will come in handy!
Jump across
You take a few steps back, then rush up to the edge of the chasm and jump across with all your might! Well, either you underestimated the size of the pit or overestimated your jumping abilities, or maybe both, because you're still a way's off from clearing the jump before you start losing height. To add insult to injury, or maybe injury to insult, you end up bonking your head on the side of the rock wall as you fall in.
...
You've been falling for a while... Is this pit bottomless?
Left path
You decide to take the left path, which loops around and comes out on the other side of the area you were in before. See, you didn't need that rope to cross after all!
Oh no, another crossroads... There's a tunnel in the wall that you could check out, or you could keep going along the path you're on. Which way will you go?
Stay on path
You decide to stay along the path, and eventually, you see light! Wait a minute... This is daylight! You could go back and check out that tunnel, or just cut your losses at this point.
Leave Pirate's Grotto
Well, that was enough adventure for you. Pitohui probably has it covered in here anyway, right? You leave the cave and meet back up with Rose.
Eventually, Pitohui returns - he found the treasure, but also the spirit of Cortez himself! Naturally, trying to take any of the treasure would be far too dangerous. After you all leave Keelhaul Key, you're invited to co-write a section about the adventure, but you don't have much to contribute, unfortunately... But hey, at least your name is on the 'Shroom section that treasure hunters who aren't you will use to try and get their hands on it! That's not much consolation, is it?
Enter tunnel
You decide to check out the tunnel, and after following the winding path, you find... a dead end! That's unfortunate. Just as you're about to turn around and leave, you notice a blue glow out of the corner of your eye. You stoop down to take a closer look, finding a star-shaped crystal tucked away in the corner. It's no massive treasure horde, but you have a feeling that this little trinket is very valuable! You go to take the Sapphire Star!
As you touch the star, your eyes roll back into your head as you see a vision of… four heroes, standing in a circle around a central platform upon which you stand.
Each of them holds in their hands… a Crystal Star. You watch as the heroes solemnly nod to each other. Somehow… you feel their resolve. To scatter the Crystal Stars to the corners of the land, to prevent the opening of the Thousand-Year Door. One by one, the heroes leave, never to be seen again.
Their final destinations… the resting places of the Crystal Stars.
As the vision fades away, you find yourself back where you were before, deciding it's time to get back to Rogueport.
