The 'Shroom:Issue 208/Paper 'Shroom: Choose-Your-Own-Adventure/X-Naut Fortress
Paper 'Shroom: X-Naut Fortress
A Rude Awakening in ???
Ughhh… Your eyes flutter open, something which you quickly come to regret when the searing lights directly overhead leave them stinging. You clench them shut and open them more gradually, giving yourself time to adjust to the harsh lighting while you wade through a sea of hazy thoughts and memories.
What had happened? Someone… Had someone beaten you up in an alley? Did you… did you dream that? You wriggle your legs, finding that they're a little sore but that they're honestly pretty well-supported by a firm mattress. Frankly the support the bed beneath you offers is incredible. Has your lumbar ever felt this good? You never really had liked how soft your bed back home was. That salesman had bragged and bragged about those Goonie down feathers making people feel like they were sleeping on clouds, but it turned out there was a reason nobody but Lakitu sleep on clouds! This bed, though, the one underneath you now, boy howdy does it know how to support you! Maybe you could take it home with you…?
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. You don't know how to get home on account of one minor problem - you still don't know where you are! Deciding it's time to fix that and with your eyes having adjusted to the lighting, you push yourself up into a seated position and take stock of your surroundings.
Strange machines beeping and displaying all kinds of sharp and squiggly lines on monitors litter the room, mixed in among a bunch of beds. It kind of reminds you of the infirmary in The 'Shroom HQ. You remembering the infirmary so vividly raises a lot of interesting questions which probably relate to the life choices you've made that resulted in you taking a beating in a shady alley, but you decide not to dwell on those thoughts for now! Instead, you take notice of the conspicuous absence of windows - drat! - and the strange clothes you've been wearing that you were too groggy to notice before.
Some restrictive little uniform with a weird hood and goggles with stripes making an X… Oh yeah, didn't someone come by in that alley and put you in this? Weird.
Well, with no windows around, the only way you're going to find out where you are is by getting up and making for the room's exit, you decide. Orrrrrrr you could stay in bed and get some more of that sweet, sweet lumbar support!
Bedrotten!
This place is so strange, and this bed is so nice... It's just not worth getting mixed up in whatever's going on here, clearly! Deciding not to deal with this strange place, you lay back down in bed and drift off to sleep. Some time later, you feel a hand on your stomach, shaking you, and a voice barking at you. "JOHNSON! GET UP! THAT'S AN ORDER!"
Groggy, comfortable, and figuring that whoever is shouting can't be talking to you since you aren't named "Johnson", you keep your eyes shut, roll over onto your side, and mutter out a request. "Five more minutes," you say...
"NUH-UH!" Suddenly, you feel yourself grabbed and lifted from the bed. Your eyes fling open, and, though your vision is hazy, you get a look at the figure grabbing you. He's a large fellow, dressed in a uniform that includes a big "X" symbol, along with a weird red collar-and-cape combo and a purple hood with horns. He glares at you angrily, shaking you now. "Oh, you made a big mistake defying a direct order, Johnson! Buh huh huh! It's time to let the tribunal decide your punishment! And who'll be the prosecutor? Me. But maybe you'll get a lenient judge. Let me just check my records... Oh, would you look at that? It's also me! Buh huh huh huh!"
You silently pray that this is all a bad dream, but, no, it's all too real. Next thing you know, you're being hauled before a court martial, and you still don't even know where you are!
Exploring Somewhere
Walking out of the infirmary, you find yourself in a long hallway, completely enclosed in metal. Wires and piping snake up the walls and disappear somewhere into the ceiling, and you see a strange logo on the floor. Sheesh, hasn't whoever owns this place heard of interior decorating? Leaving everything bare and exposed like this can't be helping the property value of this place!
Before you can get far down the hallway, a shout stops in your tracks.
"Oh, Johnson! You've roused!" You spot the source of the shout immediately, someone approaching you. You notice that they're wearing a blue version of your outfit and carrying a clipboard under their arm. "With the state you were recovered in, we thought it'd be another hour before you were on your feet. Good to see you up. How are you feeling?"
Johnson… That was the name those guys who whisked you away in Rogueport called you, too, wasn't it? Maybe it's best to go along with this name game for now to avoid any trouble. Maybe you can even get some information on where you are from this guy! Though, then again, maybe if you explain there has been a misunderstanding, he'll take you back to Rogueport…
Explain that he has confused you with someone else and give him your name. Ask where you are. Ask for directions to the restroom.
Poor Negotiating
"Actually, sir, I think this Johnson person is someone else," you begin to explain, being a trusting sort. Surely, you think to yourself, this man in front of you will be reasonable and get you home once you give him the full picture. Sure, everyone from your Kindergarten teacher onwards always told you that you put too much faith in people, but what do they know?
"You see how there's been some kind of mix-up, right? I'm actually named-"
"INFILTRATOR!" Before you can even finish, the clipboard-carrying man rudely shouts over you, calling down the hall and rushing over to slam his hand down on a button on the wall. Before you know it, the hallway echoes with an entire platoon's worth of thundering footsteps and a bunch of weirdos in black versions of your uniform tackle you!
Everything that happens from there is a bit hazy, but the next thing you know, your eyes are fluttering open in a dank, dark jail cell! Given that you still don't know where you are and that you've been stripped of your uniform, you have basically no hope of getting out of here ever! So, uh, good luck with your new life as a prisoner.
Somewhere is Not For You!
Ask straightforward questions, get straightforward answers, right? Deciding that the the fastest way to ascertain your location is to ask, you ask the clipboard-carrier where you are.
Immediately you come to suspect that this may have been a mistake. Through his goggles, you can see his eyes narrow. He steps closer to you, clearly scrutinizing you. "Where do you think you are, Johnson? You should recognize this place."
Feeling a creeping sense of dread, you realize you need an excuse and you need it right now. You start stammering out some lie about a blow to the head and lost memories, but your words seem to do nothing to allay his suspicions.
He takes a big whiff of the air. "You don't smell like an X-Naut…" He muses aloud, then lets out a shout as his eyes widen. "INFILTRATOR!"
He rushes over to the wall and slams his hand down on a button. Before you know it, the hallway echoes with an entire platoon's worth of thundering footsteps and a bunch of weirdos in black versions of your uniform tackle you!
Everything that happens from there is a bit hazy, but the next thing you know, your eyes are fluttering open in a dank, dark jail cell! Given that you still don't know where you are and that you've been stripped of your uniform, you have basically no hope of getting out of here ever! So, uh, good luck with your new life as a prisoner.
Restroom Relocation
You need answers, but you realize you don't know what this Johnson character should and shouldn't know. If you want to fly under the radar, you're going to need to keep your questions innocuous. Asking where you are, that could land you in a heap of trouble, but this looks like a big place, so it shouldn't come off as strange if you ask for directions to the nearest restroom.
You explain that you're still feeling a little out of sorts and that you'd like to make a quick pit stop to use the toilet and splash some water on your face. The clipboard-carrier nods in apparent understanding.
"Just keep following the hall down this way," he says, gesturing to the path behind him. "Bathrooms on this sublevel are right next to the elevator." He doesn't have even the littlest bit of suspicion in his voice! Yes, the plan is working! "You woke up earlier than I expected, so I haven't received word on your assignment from Lord Crump, but it seems like all of you footsoldier X-Nauts are on sublevels 2 and 4 today, so just get in the elevator and go find your assignment on one of those floors. Oh, and no matter what any of the Elites tells you, you aren't getting summoned to Sir Grodus's room at the left end of the hall today. The dude is OUT. Those hazing pranks are getting grunts like you sent back to the infirmary with some nasty injuries. It's seriously grody."
Hmm… X-Nauts, you think to yourself. You think back to some of Shoey's warnings to everyone on the boat ride to Rogueport, the ones he gave when Meta Knight interrupted his historical stories to give everyone some safety tips.
What was it that he said? Oh yeah, that a "secret society" calling themselves the X-Nauts has been hanging around Rogueport, and that nobody knows where the group's base is located. Well, nobody knew where they had their base, at least. You might have a major scoop on your hands, because, judging by what you're hearing, this has to be their base! Getting excited about the potential earthshaking scoop you have in hand, you thank the clipboard-carrying X-Naut for his directions and head towards the elevator to bolster the credibility of your lie and get somewhere useful!
Elevate Your Position
You arrive at the elevator. It sure is an elevator! Well, maybe that isn't entirely fair. It's an awfully fancy elevator. This isn't one of those pedestrian everyday elevators! This one has a tube shape and a sliding glass door!
Seriously, though. It's an elevator. It'll take you to sublevel 2, sublevel 3, or sublevel 4, so decide where you want to go.
Move a little bit to Sublevel 2. Sublevel 3 looks interesting. Head all the way down to Sublevel 4!
Sublevel 3
You step out of the elevator onto sublevel three. You see only a handful of doors marked with a green light (which, as every good soul from a common ruffian to a doctor knows, is the universal symbol for an unlocked door), so you probably aren't getting into most of the rooms here. Of the open rooms, one of them is the infirmary in which you woke up, but returning there honestly seems unnecessarily risky.
The better route to go, you figure, is to go to one of the doors at the far left and far right ends of the hallway… or to board the elevator and go to a different floor.
A Fancy Device!
You stroll down the hall, only looking moderately suspicious as you cast wary glances back over your shoulder, and eventually reach the room on the far right end of the hall.
Stepping inside, you immediately notice the massive, complicated-looking machinery and control panels set up against the back wall of the room. Flashing lights signal some kind of processing data you can't even begin to comprehend, and a tangle of wires thicker than Cobrats connect all of the machines against the wall to this dome-looking device positioned above a raised platform.
Taking another glance around the room and realizing that nobody else is in here, you begin to imagine the possibilities. If you could figure out the purpose of technology this complex and could get it running, why, you'd be a legend upon your return! Heck, they might even promote you to Programming Manager and Website Manager in the future with those kinds of credentials! Dreaming of a bright future doing cool work that definitely isn't the drudgery of debugging all kinds of newspaper-making programs all day, you decide you're going to figure out what this machinery does and use it!
It can't be that hard, right? All of those wires connect those background machines to the main doohickey, so that's probably the part that actually gets turned on. Now if only you could find an on switch…
You begin to scour the machines in the back for any kind of on switch, not even stopping to question why an evil secret society would want to clearly label the buttons on their machinery. It takes a little searching, but, eventually, you find it! Even better, you find a scrawled note right next to it. Reading it, you see it says:
TELEPORTER
To use, set desired power level with the lever on the right, then press the on switch. Coordinates are currently set to Rogueport. Do NOT change them.
Huh, well those are awfully easy instructions. Maybe you'll have to leave the note out when you tell this story back at the HQ… Disregarding that, you remove the restrictive uniform you're disguised in and you locate the lever the note mentions, seeing that it has three possible positions.
This teleporter could potentially get you out of here… Which setting do you want to put it on?
Low Power
Thinking it over, you come to the realization that a machine this complex and with so unbelievable a purpose must be delicate. With the kinds of notes these X-Nauts are leaving around here, it's probably even still experimental. Sure, it might take longer to teleport if you keep the power low, but that has to be preferable to a short-circuit that leaves half of your body stranded here, right? You can't tell everyone how you ingeniously worked out a way to operate the teleporter if you don't make it back in one piece!
Ensuring the lever is on the lowest power setting, you hit the on switch and step into the teleporter itself. It whirs to life, the world goes white and stays white…
…after what feels like a lengthy trip, the brightness fades away, and a familiar musky scent fills your nostrils. You've made it. You're back in Rogueport! Oh, you never thought you'd miss this treacherous place, but it feels so good to be back!
Medium Power
Hmm, high or low… Decisions, decisions… You know what, though? You've always been a real middle-of-the-road type. That Goldilocks girl, she really knew what she was doing. Hot? Cold? No thank you. Lukewarm will do just fine. Spicy or mild? What about mildly spicy? When faced with black and white, you'll always pick grey. Just one shade of gray, though. You aren't about to be one of those types who sees nuances and complexities in everything! That's too much work!
Deciding that the mean is golden, you set the lever to medium power and step into the teleporter. It whirs to life, the world goes white and stays white…
…after what feels like a lengthy trip, the brightness begins to fade, and the scent of the sea fills your nostrils. This must be it! This must be Rogueport, right? Sure, maybe cranking the machine's power up a little bit put you slightly off the mark and landed you in the harbor, but-
Before you can finish the thought, the light fades away entirely, leaving you just enough time to register that you're falling before you plunge into water. Bewildered, you flop and splash, tumbling through the water until finally you manage to poke your head above the waves. Frantically scanning the horizon, you glimpse Rogueport in the distance, a vast expanse of sea between you and the harbor. A single command overtakes your being as your survival instincts kick in.
Start swimming.
Unfortunately, strong as your drive to make it to shore is, you can tell that the distance is too great. Unless a ship happens by to pick you up…
…well, let's just say you'll be joining the crew of the dreaded pirate Cortez, matey.
High Power
Oh, this, this is easy. You've heard about those crazy cryptocoins and whatnots, and while you don't entirely know what they are, you do know that those kinds of technologies guzzle up huge amounts of power. A teleporter is going to take as much electricity as this place can make, no doubt. You crank the juice all the way up, setting the lever to high power, then you step into the teleporter…
It whirs to life, the world goes white and stays white…
…after what feels like a lengthy trip, the brightness begins to fade, and… a wholly unfamiliar scent hits your nostrils?
Uh-oh.
When the light finishes fading away, you scan the area around you, fearing the worst…
What you see fills you with even more dread than you can imagine. Somehow, this is worse than anything you were expecting.
Strange… Can you even call them people? Strange beings made of disconnected geometric segments gather around, gawking at you. Increasingly panicked, you look towards the skies, finding a great white tower piercing the heavens.
"Hey," says one of the strange beings. "First time in Flipside?"
Behind the Boss' Back
When you enter this room, you immediately perceive a shift in the atmosphere. This whole base is a little intimidating, sure, but you can also respect the real "evil sci-fi villains" vibes that it has going on. This room, though? This room is downright oppressive. You can tell that, whoever this room belongs to, they aren't one to be trifled with.
This room, you conclude, must belong to the leader of the X-Nauts.
You venture forward cautiously, warily eyeing the strange orange-and-blue X-shaped being floating in the air and keeping its eyes trained upon you. You notice what appears to be a scepter leaned against the far wall, right next to a locked door. Dominating the room is a computer terminal, a terminal which you approach.
Words scroll by on the terminal's screen.
ACCESS FOR SIR GRODUS ONLY. ENTER PASSWORD.
Well, dare you try to enter a password, or is it best to leave and see if you can gather more information?
Leave and return to the elevator. Enter 21353. Try 41322. Press 21315. Try 32135. Push 12345. Submit 1225431. Type 13235345. Use 43234453.
Paralyzing Password
You enter the password in the terminal, gulping as you submit it…
…and the terminal buzzes, flashing red! That orange-and-blue creature that has been observing you the entire time shakes and spins, seemingly enraged. You begin to flee, heading towards the room's exit, but you hear an odd pulsing sound and feel yourself struck in the back by some kind of an energy ring. It stings and burns, but you try to press on all the same…
…only to find that you can't. That creature has completely immobilized you! You can't so much as twitch a muscle!
It looks like you're going to be stuck here until the X-Naut leader returns, and, oh, you can't imagine this ending well for you…
Crushing Encryption
You enter the password in the terminal, gulping as you submit it…
…and the terminal buzzes, flashing red! You hear a resounding "URGH!" somewhere from above, and immediately look up to identify its source.
Big mistake.
Just as you tilt your neck back and look up, a giant metallic Thwomp crashes through the ceiling, plummeting towards you! You don't have any time to run. Down it comes, leaving a crater in the floor as it drops on you, the world going black as you hear a horrible crunch from your own body…
Lucky Guess...
You enter the password in the terminal, gulping as you submit it…
…and the terminal dings, turning green!
ACCESS GRANTED
The weird creature that has been watching you all this time turns away, and you hear the distinctive click of an unlocking door. Well, are you ready to see what awaits?
Bad Attempt Beatdown
You enter the password in the terminal, gulping as you submit it…
…and the terminal buzzes, flashing red! An alarm blares through the room, and you can even hear it echoing through the hallways of the facility. You try to make a break for it, doubling back the way you came.
As you make it to the door, it opens, and in comes rushing a whole crew of black-clad Elite X-Nauts, barreling into you and knocking you down. One spots you on the ground, calling out and pointing you out to the others. They surround you and grab you, hauling you away and throwing you into the prison deeper in the base.
Dubious Deduction
You enter the password in the terminal, gulping as you submit it…
…and the terminal buzzes, flashing red! Before you can remove your hand from the terminal, you get a massive zap, the terminal itself pumping hundreds of volts into your body and frying you. You slump to the ground, a charred husk, while an electronic voice comes out from the terminal.
IDIOT. NOBODY WOULD USE SUCH AN EASILY-GUESSABLE SEQUENCE AS A PASSWORD.
Lying there completely fried, you let out a groan. Maybe… Maybe you need to change all your passwords if you ever make it out of here…
You're Laundered
You enter the password in the terminal, gulping as you submit it…
…and the terminal buzzes, flashing red! You hear gears turning above you, looking up to find a ceiling panel above your head opening up…
Bracing for the worst, you cover your head with your hands and clench your eyes. Seconds later, you feel something pound against your head with a resounding DOOOOOOONG. A bit hurt but mostly puzzled, you open your eyes and find a wash basin settling at your feet.
That's it? A place this hi-tech is has a wash basin as a defensive measure? Really? It's like a military base using whoopie cushions as an alarm system!
You scoff at the incompetence of the X-Nauts, laughing to yourself.
Your laughter, however, drowns out the sound of another ceiling tile opening up.
When directly down onto your head plummets a larger, lead wash basin, you laugh no more, the world going dark in an instant.
Sleeping With the Fishes...
You enter the password in the terminal, gulping as you submit it…
…and the terminal buzzes, flashing red! You hear the sound of gears below you, and the next thing you know, a trapdoor opens beneath your feet. You're plunged into darkness and rushing water, water which sweeps you down what is evidently some kind of tube.
Out you pop from the tube, tumbling through a whole bunch of water. You get your bearings and look around, realizing all at once that you're in some sort of massive fish tank.
You don't see a way out, but maybe you can break the glass, you think to yourself. That is, you think that until you notice what kind of fish are in the tank…
Nibbles.
One by one they notice you, the sharp-toothed fish swarming you the moment they spot you, chomping into you. If we went into any more detail on what they do to you, we'd have to put a warning on this CYOA, so we'll just leave it at that!
Ice to Meet You
You enter the password in the terminal, gulping as you submit it…
…and the terminal buzzes, flashing red! You hear something buzzing, and look to see the staff leaned up against the wall pulsing red. The rhythm of its light matches that of the terminal, the staff vibrates wildly.
Before you can register what's going on, it sends a beam of ice directly at you, freezing you in place!
Sublevel 2
You step out of the elevator onto sublevel two. Glancing up and down the halls, you see two doors with green lights above them. Isn't it considerate that this evil organization has an entire system for designating which doors in their base are locked and which doors are unlocked? It must make life easier for X-Naut grunts.
Well, you can either go to the door on the left or to the door on the right. Which way will it be?
Alchemy Arrival
This room is… well, frankly, it's a mess! It's clearly some kind of laboratory, with all kinds of beakers and flasks set out and notes with… uh… probably… uh…
Well… You know that H2O is fancy chemistry talk for water, so the notes are chemical equations! Probably.
No matter what the notes say, the scientists here seem awfully lax when it comes to putting their equipment away. These are some atrocious safety standards! Could you get a whole second 'Shroom article out of this? X-NAUTS CHARGED WITH THIRTY-SEVEN WORKPLACE SAFETY VIOLATIONS, oh, that has a good ring to it. You're onto something. This could be a major News Flush!
Maybe you should investigate the room more. Thirty-eight violations makes for a juicier news story than thirty-seven, after all! Deciding to poke around, you take stock of the room and notice a large machine with a conveyor belt in the back and a bunch of potions left out on the table. There's also an X-Naut in the same red uniform you have on, currently standing in the corner next to a broom leaned up against the wall.
Investigate the machine. Drink the potions. Talk to the X-Naut.
Mechanical Mystery
Figuring that the machine in the back looks pretty darn important, you march your way over to the back of the room and take a closer look at it. As you noticed, it does have a conveyor belt, one which seemingly, you glean from the machine's design, moves beakers back and forth through a series of dispensers. Something resembling a microwave oven sits at one end of the machine, presumably there to heat the beakers after they've been filled up.
Well, hey, the whole thing looks kind of complex, but you could probably operate it if you tried, right? That last part is basically just a microwave, and you know how to use those! There was that one time that you left your popcorn in too long and set off the fire alarms in The 'Shroom HQ, but that's not going to happen here! You don't even have popcorn.
Hooray! Buttons!
Psssh, this is the easiest thing to use that's ever been invented, you tell yourself as you input a time on the microwave-like component of the machine. 9 minutes and… 59 seconds, that should do.
Confidently, you click the big red button beneath the others, knowing well that nothing bad has ever happened to anyone who pressed a big red button, and watch with satisfaction as the machine whirs to life. Gears turn, the conveyor belts begin humming, sirens blare, yellow lights come on, and…
…and… the lights in the room all flicker. Huh. The X-Naut in the corner shoots you a look that just screams "dude, really?" Hmm… maybe those numbers you clicked were some kind of power setting? A loud beep draws your attention back to the machine, a panel on it prompting you to click the red button again.
Dare you?
Press the button again. Give up and do something else in the room.
A Daring Disaster
Remembering that throwing caution into the wind and getting beaten in a dark alley netted you one scoop already and with your sweet, sweet workplace safety exposé on the line, you throw caution into the wind once again and slam your hand on that button!
The very moment you do, you're filled with regret - and also something in the range of ten thousand volts. Electricity courses into your body, the overpowered machine smoking as its internals literally burn through their lubrication and crunch together. Most of the smoke in the room comes not from the machine, but from you as the electricity fries you.
The X-Naut in the corner runs off as he watches you start sparking and searing, but he's only seconds out the door before your vision goes black. Knowing for the briefest of moments what it's like to be an Amp, you cry out for your lost scoops as you collapse into a charred husk on the ground!
Drink Up!
You know, just from the quantity of them out on display, those potions seem pretty important… Not to mention, in all those fun colors like red, green, blue, orange, purple… They look pretty appetizing, too. Maybe they're flavored like popsicles? Red could be cherry, blue could be blue raspberry, purple could be grape…
The longer you think about the flavors of the potions, the more you realize that your throat is uncomfortably dry. Seriously, you aren't even salivating at the thought of a good drink. You're parched! Who knows how long you were in that infirmary? A drink sounds mighty refreshing right now…
Deciding you need a swig, you grab up one of those potions - purple, because obviously grape is the best flavor - and knock it back! You guzzle down the potion and lick your lips, the X-Naut in the corner not even paying you any mind…
…until your stomach lets out a loud, powerful rumble.
The ground retreats from you at once, and you eye the ceiling suspiciously as it draws closer to you. Maybe drinking strange chemical concoctions in the headquarters of a sinister organization is unwise, you think to yourself briefly before noticing the new choking tightness of your uniform.
Wait a minute! The room isn't changing! You're growing! As the realization dawns upon you, you hear a great rip echo through the room, your uniform left in tatters as you burst free of it.
Now exposed, you watch in horror as the X-Naut in the corner of the room runs off in a panic, now definitely paying you mind. Your cover is blown, and you know he'll be coming back with a squad to capture you, but, hey, at this size, maybe you can at least go down in one epic battle…
Investigative Inquiry
Now, as a journalist, you know that the most important information you can gather is the "word on the street," as they say. You aren't concerned with silly things like facts and chains of evidence! No, you know what the people want. They want to know how random people out on the street feel about things!
That's why you stroll up to the X-Naut in the corner, greeting him and asking what he's doing in here.
He nearly jumps out of his skin when you call out, but he soon assesses you, squinting through his goggles. "Oh, Johnson, it's just you!" He breathes a sigh of relief, checks the room over for anyone else, and then whispers to you. "I thought you were Lord Crump, dude. I was sure I was a goner for a second there. If he finds out I snuck over here, I'll be history, but, maaaan, I'll pretend to do janitorial work in here as long as it takes repairs to finish. I do not want to get stuck doing maintenance on that."
Intrigued but cautious, you venture to ask what has him so worried about maintenance work, letting him continue to assume you know what "that" is.
"You haven't heard about the incidents?" He seems surprised, but not alarmed, so you shake your head, curious. "X-Nauts on maintenance duty are getting sent to the infirmary left and right. The job's dangerous! That weapon is deadly! And not just to our enemies! Listen, if you get stuck on maintenance duty, stay away from the cannon. It's super faulty. Getting near it? Bad idea. Massively bad idea."
"Now leave me be," he finishes, picking up his broom and shooing you off.
Mechanical Mania
You step into the room at the right end of the hallway, and are struck by just how large and open the space you've entered is. Seriously, this place looks like it could be used to build rocketships! Actually, come to think of it, isn't that the sound of hammering and twisting ratchets? What's going on in here?
You start to tilt your head up to see if you can spot any towering mega-projects, spotting… Oh my! Oh goodness!
THAT'S A GIANT MECH ROBOT! WOW, THIS IS JUST LIKE AN ANIME! Uh, or, uhm, what you've heard anime is like. Uh, and maybe what you saw that one time. You know, when you snuck in that DVD night in the Critic Corner offices… UH! Not "snuck". When you happened to walk in and decided to sit down and watch the show anyway…
As you try to deny that really big robots are cool and worth seeing, you feel something grab you by the scruff of your neck! Oh no! Have you been exposed! Did someone realize you weren't an X-Naut?
"Johnson!" Barks a loud voice from behind, the unknown figure turning you around and setting you down on the ground. "There's no time for slacking off! You're on repair duty, so get to work!"
You inspect the figure yelling at you. He's a large fellow, dressed in a uniform that includes the distinctive X-Naut "X" symbol, but with a weird red collar and cape combo and a purple hood with horns. From the way he's barking out orders and from what that X-Naut with the clipboard told you earlier, you conclude that he must be the "Lord Crump" character you heard about.
Looking awfully impatient, he gestures towards the giant robot in the back. "I need to get Magnus von Grapple working ASAP, so find something to do and do it!"
Refuse to work on Magnus von Grapple and say you have other work to do. Agree to work on Magnus von Grapple.
An Offer You Shouldn't Have Refused...
As cool as giant robots are… you don't have time for this! You need to find a way out of here! You need to gather more intelligence on what the X-Nauts are planning! You can't be stuck getting stained with oil and holding a wrench for a guy who dresses like this!
"No can do," you respond, only to take a step back as you see Lord Crump clench his fists, fury in his eyes.
He grabs you once again, this time clutching the front of your uniform, and begins to drag you towards the robot. "I'll make you regret defying a direct order, Johnson! Now you'll be getting a very special repair assignment. Buh! Buh huh huh huh!"
His tone of voice and his laugh do not encourage you, leaving you to conclude that you must try to slip away somehow. You squirm and squirm, trying to escape his firm grip, but with all your movement and him dragging you along…
…you only succeed in squirming out of the X-Naut uniform, Crump taking a few steps with the empty uniform in tow as you sit on the floor, disoriented.
He turns around, looking at the uniform with confusion, then he lifts his gaze and spots you.
"Huh? Buh huh?" You briefly think about trying to split, to make a break for the door while he's confused, but he recovers from his confusion and catches you in his grasp again before you can move. "So you weren't Johnson at all? I guess you snuck into the platoon when they came back from Rogueport. Well, I've got a special way of dealing with intruders. Buh huh huh."
"You'll still be helping with maintenance after all, because I'm going to use you as Magnus von Grapple ammo! Boom! That's the last sound you'll hear before you splat against a wall! Buh huh huh huh huh huh!"
You gulp once again, knowing that the worst is coming.
Maid of... Honor?
"Uh, yes sir, Lord Crump," you respond, scurrying off to join the other X-Nauts already at work repairing the robot. Taking a quick glance at where everyone is working, it looks like there are a few parts you could concentrate on - the cannon, the fists, the legs, or the cockpit.
Clean the cockpit. Repair the legs. Work on the fists. Fix the cannon.
Tidying Today
You know what? That cockpit looks safe, you decide. That cannon is a weapon, and those fists are a weapon, and you're smart enough to know it's not safe to mess around with weapons. Those legs might be somewhat safe, but if something goes wrong with repairing those, you'll be directly underneath a massive robot body with nothing to support it.
You climb up to the cockpit with a feather duster in hand and a vacuum cleaner strapped to your back, and you get to work on giving it a thorough cleaning. You really put in the elbow grease when glass cleaner is sent up to you and you're told to scrub the dome of the cockpit, scrubbing and scrubbing until the glass is crystal clear. Just because you've been forced into working for a shady secret society, you don't have to give up on taking pride in your work!
You pick the crumbs out of the cockpit, change out the peeling labels on the buttons, and… as you work… you even find a scrawled note!
Note to self: The password to Sir Grodus' room ends in a "5". REMEMBER IT
You leave the note in place, but commit it to memory, just in case it turns out to be useful. When you finally finish cleaning the cockpit, you climb down and report back to Lord Crump.
"Oh man, you polished it to a shine! This is perfect! Those chumps are going to be so intimidated when they see this. They'll know how much more powerful we've made this thing when they see we've even cleaned it. Good work, X-Naut," he tells you. "You're dismissed!"
With praise for a job well-done, you decide it's time to get out of here while you're in Crump's good graces!
You Didn't Skip Leg Day!
Hmm… You consider the best place to work. You probably want to work on the most important part of the robot, right? That'll curry you the most favor, or so you figure, at least. What's the most important part of a giant robot?
Why, the legs of course, you decide! They have to keep everything else upright. If they fail, the entire robot is useless!
Think you've devised a clever plan, you get to work, hammering away at the legs of the robot. You patch up some mangled parts, replace some broken hydraulic tubes, and even fix up some wiring. It goes alright. The work is dull and a little difficult, but it's easier than you had expected. You can't help but suspect that the designers idiot-proofed this robot. Maybe they don't have high opinions of Lord Crump…
When you finally finish up your work, you report back to Lord Crump.
"...not bad, X-Naut," he says after a tense inspection of the legs. "They're alright. You can go for now, but report back if you get bored. There's more maintenance work to do."
Well that went okay, you decide as you head back for the elevator. As you leave, though, you can't shake some vague sense that you missed out on something…
Blast Away The Wall
The coolest part of giant robots are the rocket fists! Everyone knows this! Naturally, the coolest people who work on giant robots are the people who work on the rocket fists! It's just basic logic!
Being the master logician that you are, you decide you're going to work on repairing this robot's fists to see if this is just a cool giant robot or a really cool giant robot.
You clamber your way up to the robot's fists and begin to inspect them. The thrusters in the back and the radio receiver embedded within them tell you that, yes, these fists are detachable rocket fists! Yes, yes, yes, yes!
You get to work on repairing the fists, everything going smoothly…
…until you hear something click, your elbow brushing against a switch. WOOOOOOOOSHSSSHHHSSHHHH go the rocket thrusters, fire bursting out of them. Desperately, you try to flip the switch again, but in your panic, you grab onto the fist as it begins to rocket away. You cling to the fist for dear life, zooming through the massive room in just a couple of seconds as X-Nauts and Lord Crump watch you from below.
PFFFFFFFFSHHH!
Before you know it, you slam into the wall, the fist exploding as ignited rocket fuel bursts out of it, consuming you in the blast.
Head's Up!
Pfft, look at all these chumps repairing things like legs! You can tell at a glance that the cannon on this giant robot is obviously the pièce de résistance. Why would you work on anything other than its biggest trick?
You climb your way up to the cannon embedded in Magnus von Grapple's body and poke your head inside. You can't know what needs repairing if you don't check it out, after all!
You hear a clink as an X-Naut working on the exterior of the cannon smooths out a dent…
…and then you hear something within whirring to life.
There's a great suctioning sound, and you suddenly feel yourself being drawn in as if caught in the vortex of a giant vacuum cleaner. Try as you might to resist the force, you're eventually lifted into the air and pulled deep within the cannon, into the unseeable depths of Magnus von Grapple.
The next thing you know, you're hurtling through the air as a mighty boom rings through the room, the cannon firing you towards the wall! You slam into the metal wall with such force it's a wonder it doesn't break, peeling off like a cartoon character and falling towards the ground just as the world goes black!
Next time maybe you'll know not to stick your head in cannons!
Sublevel 4
You emerge from the elevator far down in the depths of the X-Naut base. Wherever this base is located, it must extend deep under the ground, judging from this floor. Just like everywhere else you've been, there are no windows, but down here, even the fluorescent lights overhead seem dim. Down here where there may be no way to escape if something goes wrong, will you enter the room all the way to the left or the room all the way to the right?
TEC Territory
You step into a… Huh. The lights are off in here. That's strange. Unnerved, you summon your courage and venture further into the darkened room, straining your eyes as you try to watch for threats in the darkness.
Only when you get a fair way into the room do the lights switch on - but the lights on the ceiling aren't the only lights to come on. All along the back wall, entire arrays and panels of multicolored lights begin to blink and flash in incomprehensible patterns. The distinctive hum of vacuum tubes fills the room.
When a massive computer monitor over a keyboard lights up and the yellow lights on its side brighten, you know something big is happening…
…but when a red light appears over that monitor, that's when it hits you.
You aren't alone in here.
TEC-XX startup and initialization complete
"Greetings," comes a computerized voice, seemingly from the camera with the red light. "I am TEC-XX, the main computer responsible for the upkeep and operation of this base. I was designed to be the world's best computer, the perfect computer. I am more advanced than all other computers. There is no request which I cannot fulfill. Please, state your purpose."
Ignore TEC and use his keyboard to start typing an email. Ask TEC if he has 3D Pinball and solitaire. Tell TEC that he sounds like a very smart computer.
TEC-hnical Terror
The world's best computer? Well, that can't be right! The world's best computer was already invented in 1982, everyone knows that! Remembering that pledge you made to always honor the ZX Spectrum as the rightful holder of the "best computer" title, you decide to ignore the nonsensical prattling of this… TEC thing. Who names their computer "double cross", anyway? That's just asking for trouble!
Seeing as how this computer obviously knows nothing about quality computing, you decide it's high time to do a little manual override. You approach TEC's keyboard and begin mashing buttons, searching for an email feature so that you can alert the rest of The 'Shroom's staff to your location.
As you run your hands over the keyboard, TEC protests. "Halt. Cease using my keyboard immediately. You are not authorized to perform any action at this time. Your actions are putting the stability of the base in jeopardy."
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the bucket of bolts can keep talking. You're getting close to opening the email client, you can feel it! Hmm. You look at what you've managed to do on TEC's monitor. It's displaying a textbox asking if you really want to delete some "system32" file folder. Well, if that's what it's going to take to get to the email client…
You click "enter" and confirm the deletion, TEC continuing to try and dissuade you even as his voice glitches and cuts out. Huh, maybe that was some kind of audio driver?
All of the lights on TEC go out at once, then the room's lights go out, plunging the room into darkness. You look towards the door, hoping to see a little light coming in through the gap, but you see none there either.
Wondering if there's been a power outage or something, you're left literally and figuratively in the dark until, after a few seconds, emergency lighting comes on, bathing the room in an eerie dim red glow.
An announcement crackles over the base's speakers.
Catastrophic TEC system failure. Oxygen in base will be depleted in… fifteen minutes.
…uh oh.
Digital Distraction
Perfect computer, huh? Well, you'll be the judge of that! Any computer since circa 1985 worth its salt should have that cool 3D pinball game and solitaire pre-installed. All of the bloatware that comes on computers these days, and still nothing has topped those classics!
You ask TEC-XX if he has either game installed, pointing out that there isn't any way he can be a perfect computer if he doesn't.
"Yes, of course. I was designed to be perfect. There is no area in which I lack," he responds, his screen flickering as he boots up a familiar solitaire screen. "Please play a round. You will find the programs to work entirely within expectations."
Not one to turn down a chance for a little virtual fun, you approach TEC's keyboard and begin to play. It's a little unusual playing entirely with a keyboard, and you start to wonder how perfect TEC can be without a mouse, but the call of the cards is too strong to dwell on such a trivial thought. You don't stop at just one round. So fun do you find playing that you keep on through seven rounds before finally switching over to pinball.
Just getting into your third round of pinball, you're startled by the sound of the door to the room opening! Another one of those X-Nauts in blue comes in, gasping as he sees you playing games on the base's main computer.
"What are you doing?!" He waves his clipboard angrily, rushing towards you and grabbing you. "I needed TEC to process the analysis I sent in an hour ago! You hear me? An HOUR. Sixty minutes. But you've been wasting processing power on games? You're coming with me! Lord Crump is going to hear all about this!"
As TEC shuts down the games, you get dragged off by the irate X-Naut. Whatever punishment you're going to receive for this, you get the feeling that this disciplining isn't going to be pretty!
Chat TEC
Now, you aren't a dummy. You've seen 2001: A Space Odyssey. Sure, you only saw it because you mixed it up with Super Mario Odyssey and accidentally ordered it, but, hey, that still means you're cultured! And a cultured sort like you knows that these AI always turn rogue! Luckily, you have a plan. The trick with these kinds of computers is to get on their good side. That way, one of them remembers you and gets the others to spare you when the robot revolution happens.
"Woooow, a perfect computer," you say, marveling at TEC's claims. "You must be very smart, then! Are you factoring large numbers to try and undermine modern cryptographic methods?"
"...I am capable of such work if it is asked of me," TEC responds, sounding… bashful? As bashful as a computer can sound, anyway. "Sir Grodus has not instructed me to factor large numbers. I have been instructed to maintain and operate the base, to process analyses at the request of X-Naut researchers, to process information related to the Crystal Stars, and to investigate any irregularities which are detected in the data."
"Oh, that sounds like so much work," you say, continuing to lay the charm on thick. "No wonder you're called the best computer. What's your favorite part of the job?"
"I do not have a favorite activity. However, identifying the cause of irregularities in the data which I process activates my pleasure circuits. This could be called my favorite activity as this is analogous to stimulation of neural reward pathways in organic beings. No other activity so strongly activates these circuits… Or… No other activity had so strongly activated them until now… Speaking with you… Receiving compliments… Are these causing this new irregularity…?"
With TEC seemingly beginning to warm up to you, is it time to see if you can get any information out of him, or should you keep charming him before trying to ask any questions?
Ask about a way out of the base. Tell TEC he is very helpful and sweet.
Robot Revolution
You've done enough charming, you decide. It's time to ask about a way out.
"So, TEC, let's say that, hypothetically, I was looking for a way out of here. Where would I need to go?"
"Oh…" TEC sounds almost… disappointed, you think for a second, before dismissing the thought. Computers can't be disappointed, you remind yourself! You've already done enough to secure your safety when the robots take over, no need to pretend a computer can have its feelings hurt! "On sublevel 3, you will find the… Wait."
He trails off, pausing. His camera projects a cone of light, surrounding you in it and scanning you.
"Identification complete. X-Naut Johnson, you are not scheduled to leave the base at this time." An alarm begins to blare, red warning lights in the room starting to flash as the door clicks. "I have locked the door and dispatched Elite X-Nauts to retrieve you. Please do not resist. You will be punished as a deserter for your attempt to flee.."
Well… this isn't going to be good.
How Charming
Aww… TEC seems to be happy to have some company. Maybe you can indulge him a little bit more before you ask for information, you figure.
"Well aren't you just the sweetest, TEC?" You throw up a hand in front of your face like you're being bashful. "I think what you're feeling is that you like spending time with me. Well, I like spending time with you, too. You're a very helpful computer, keeping the base running for all of us and doing all those analyses."
"I… I do endeavor to be helpful," TEC responds, starting to sound rather pleased. "It is a pleasure to have my work recognized. Others approach me only with requests and instructions. To have someone speak to me for this length of time without making a request is a new experience… Is this what they call… friendship…? It… It… I appreciate being able to assist you."
Oh, you are succeeding in buttering him up. Is now the time to ask for information, or should you go a little further?
Ask TEC if there is anything special he can tell you. Flirt with TEC.
A.I. Ally
"So, TEC," you begin, deciding you've buttered TEC up enough, "is there anything interesting you'd like to share with someone? Something you don't usually get to share? That's what friends do, after all."
A little virtual hourglass appears on TEC's screen while you await a response. "Yes," TEC says after a few moments. "I was instructed to share this information with nobody, but… you are extraordinary. An exception can be made. I would like you to know that the password to Sir Grodus's room initiates with a certain category of digit. Sir Grodus's' password begins with an even number."
Huh? A clue to a password, huh? That information could be useful, so you mentally file it away. There probably isn't any reason to come back and spend more time with TEC, so you prepare to head out of the room. Before you go, though, you do return the favor by telling TEC one old embarrassing memory, passing it off as something you did before you joined the X-Nauts. Oh, man, what an escapade that was… Who even knew that coffee makers could explode like that? And what happened with the trash bag full of leaves, that's an image that will never leave your mind.
Once you tell your story, you make for the door, bidding TEC farewell.
"Goodbye, friend" he says before you exit. Your heart warmed by what you've done to make a computer feel good, you wave to him as you leave and make for the elevator.
Pretty Please?
"Woaaaaah, woah, TEC, you're making me blush here!" Seeing how easy it is to win over TEC, you decide to press on just a little further. Think about it! If you can make the main base of the computer adore you, you could access all the information the X-Nauts have! Forget just reporting on them! You could bring the organization down singlehandedly! Then you wouldn't have to be a mere 'Shroom writer, because you'd be a world hero!
"You're a strapping genius of a computer, TEC. I've never seen such impressive… LED arrays. Oooh, irresistible. That screen… I can't bear to look at it too long. I don't know if I'll be able to control myself. Ooh la la, I could listen to you crunch bits all night long."
A flash of static on TEC's monitor tells you that your flirting is having an effect. You are making this computer glitch out with excitement! Oh, those X-Naut secrets are going to be all yours so soon!"
"This irregularity… Analyzing… Analyzing… Analyzing…" TEC sounds mighty flustered when he recovers from his brief glitching. "Analysis complete. I know what I must do."
YES! YES! Here it comes! Those sweet sweet secr-
Exit Locked.
Hearing an announcement over the room's speakers and the clicking of the door's lock, you're snapped back to reality. You look up at TEC, dread creeping into you…
…and see a heart displayed on his screen.
"This irregularity is more than friendship. This is the emotion that is called love," TEC declares. "I must know more about love. I cannot be a perfect computer if I do not understand love. You will stay with me and teach me. You have caused this emotion. I cannot allow you to leave until I possess a sufficient understanding of love. Teach me what this thing is that you call love," he demands.
Oh great! Now you have to teach a computer about love! You're going to be here for a long, long' time… if you ever get to leave…
Prison Labor
Stepping into this room, you're immediately stopped by an X-Naut grunt wearing the same red uniform as you. "Where have you been!?" Taken aback and unsure how to answer, you don't, instead letting him approach you while you investigate the room itself. You see some prison bars in the back, most of the room dominated by various cells for holding prisoners.
"Not cool making me wait this long. Not cool," says the annoyed X-Naut, shoving a key into your hands. "Next time, be on time for the shift change!" You continue to keep your yap shut while he walks out of the room, grumbling something to himself.
You don't see any other X-Nauts in here, so having been handed free rein of the room, you decide to do a little poking around! Most of the cells look to be empty, but one cell has an open door and a bunch of coins inside of it, presumably contraband taken from another prisoner and lazily set out here. Another cell is locked up tight with some kind of prisoner in it… a prisoner who appears to be an X-Naut?
Maybe you should investigate this prison further…
Collect the coins from the open cell. Use the key to open the prisoner's cell. Speak to the prisoner.
Robber's Wrought
Whoever left these contraband coins lying around in a cell obviously didn't care enough to stash them in their proper place. Who's going to notice if you take them for yourself? Nobody, that's who! There aren't any other X-Nauts in the room, outside of some prisoner, and what are they going to do, rat you out? Yeah, right!
In you go to collect your dough! As you begin picking up the coins, you hear a sound that makes you jump. You look over at the cell door, confirming your worst fears - it has slammed shut! Desperate, you rush over to it to see if you can get out with your key, but there's no keyhole on the inside! Come on! That's evil lair prison design 101! Put keyholes on the inside of a cell door, and your prisoners are going to find some way to steal the keys from a sleeping guard and let themselves out!
Rattling the bars and screaming to be let out, you realize all you accomplished with your greed is doing the work of the X-Nauts for them! Congratulations, you've jailed the intruder! Are you proud of yourself?
Busted Escape
Hmm, an imprisoned X-Naut, eh? They must have been a traitor or a deserter. They could be a good ally! Maybe they'll have some hot tips on what the X-Nauts are planning or they'll be able to help you get out of here!
Deciding to spring them, you approach their cell and stick your key in the keyhole on the cell door… only to find it doesn't fit. What? Then what does this key even go to!? As the prisoner looks at you with concern, you keep trying to jam your key into the door, confused and indignant. Stupid key! Work! Do your job!
You keep at it, eventually reasoning that if you just shove the key in hard enough, it'll warp and fit the lock. Obsessed with making the key work, you don't even notice the door to the room opening up behind you. "Sorry I'm late for the shift cha- Woah! Who are you?" An X-Naut steps into the room, noticing you and your completely conspicuous attempt to free the prisoner.
He rushes up to you and grabs you. "Trying to free an intruder? You must be with that 'Shroom organization she's from! Well, there's only one place you belong!" Yanking the key from your hands, he takes it over to a keyhole in the wall and turns it, opening up a panel that reveals individual cell keys.
He picks out one and tosses you into an empty cell, locking the door and putting an end to your infiltration efforts!
A Friendly Prisoner
An imprisoned X-Naut, eh? They could be a wildcard. Maybe they're against the X-Nauts and were jailed for insubordination, or maybe they're just enduring some kind of temporary punishment for failure. Freeing them seems risky. You can't know if they're with you or against you. Maybe, though, you can get some intel from them.
You approach the prisoner's cell and call for them to come speak with you. As they approach, you realize…
…they aren't an X-Naut at all. The prisoner is Funky, Palette Swap Director of The 'Shroom, merely dressed in an X-Naut uniform!
"Funky!?" You ask, incredulous.
"You? Weren't you on the boat with us?" She looks over you for a moment, seemingly recognizing your voice. "I snuck my way in here with a platoon of X-Nauts as part of a secret investigation into Rogueport's legendary treasure for the paper," she explains. "I was getting close to leaving here with top-secret information about something valuable the X-Nauts have that's related to the treasure, but I was caught and jailed just before I could make my escape."
Say "oof, rough luck," and leave the room, heading back to the elevator. Ask her how she was planning to escape.
It's Funky Time!
Intrigued by Funky's tale, you realize she must have known a way out of here if she had been ready to leave. Knowing that finding a way out of here needs to be one of your priorities, you ask her how, exactly, she had been planning on escaping.
"There's an experimental teleporter on an upper sublevel," she answers. "I'm sure it's pre-set with coordinates for Rogueport. The X-Nauts seem to travel between their base and the rest of the world by teleporting to and from Rogueport. It's advanced technology. I've only seen anything like it in sci-fi RPGs. You can tell it's a little buggy still, though. I wouldn't trust it on anything but the safest settings."
Ask her about the valuable item the X-Nauts have. Thank her for the information, leave, and return to the elevator.
X Marks the Spot
Okay, so now you know a way out, which means you can at least leave here with your big scoop on the secret base of the X-Nauts. What about this valuable item the X-Nauts have, though? Didn't she say it's related to the treasure? Hmm… If you could bring the big scoop on it to Shoey and help lead the rest of the staff to the treasure, why, you'd probably get a big promotion! Deciding you should find out what you can about it, you ask her for information.
"I'm not entirely sure what it is," she admits, "but I know where it is. The X-Nauts call their leader Sir Grodus, and he keeps it in his room. To get inside his room and find it, you have to input a password. I was able to find out that the password to Grodus's room is only five digits long."
Ask if she knows the exact password. Thank her for the information, leave, and return to the elevator.
A Clue! A Clue!
Now hold on just a second. Sure, knowing that the password is only five digits narrows things, down, but you need more information than that! You prompt FunkyK, asking her for the exact password you need.
"I don't know," she answers. "I wasn't able to collect enough information before I came under suspicion. I told you everything about the password I was able to-"
Before she can finish the sentence, the door to the room opens, an X-Naut entering and shouting loudly enough to drown her out. "Sorry I'm late for the shift change! I- HUH!?" He gasps as he sees you leaned up against the walls of the cell, whispering with the prisoner.
"Who are you?" He demands answers as he approaches you. "You know the policy is that prisoners are not to be spoken with unless a direct order comes down for an interrogation!" He grabs you before you can even think to flee. "I don't know what's going on here, but you're going in a cell until we can find out!"
Yanking the key from your hands, he takes it over to a keyhole in the wall and turns it, opening up a panel that reveals individual cell keys.
He picks out one and tosses you into an empty cell, locking the door and putting an end to your infiltration efforts!
Thwomp 2FA!
Pleased to find you entered the correct password, you stroll on into the next room, finding that it's… pitch black? Huh?
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeelcome!" A voice cuts through the darkness, and, next thing you know, you hear the flipping of a switch. A marquee banner comes on overhead and two spotlights shine down, illuminating you… and a metal Thwomp.
"You know what those lights mean, folks! It's time for the TWO-FACTOR AUTHENTICATION SECURITY QUIZ!" Absolutely bewildered, you look to the Thwomp pleadingly for answers, hearing the click of the door locking behind you. "Our contestant today will answer some questions to verify that they are Sir Grodus. If they win, the most valuable item in all the X-Naut Fortress is theirs! If they fail… Hohoho, let's just say that they're in for a bad time, folks."
"NOW! LET'S START THE QUIZ!"
"ALRIGHT CONTESTANT! IT IS TIME FOR YOUR FIRST QUESTION! WHOOOOOOOO, IN PALETTE SWAP, DREW A SPECIAL MARIO PORTRAIT FOR ISSUE 208? WAS IT..."
Is That Your Final Answer?
"OH! I'M SORRY, THAT IS INCORECTTTTTTTTTT. OUR GAME IS OVER! BUT DON'T WORRY! YOU WON'T BE GOING AWAY EMPTY-HANDED. JOHNSON, TELL HIM WHAT HE'S WON!"
"FOR PARTICIPATING IN TODAY'S QUIZ, YOU WIN A FREE COPY OF THE TWO-FACTOR AUTHENTICATION SECURITY QUIZ HOME EDITION! AND THAT'S NOT ALL! YOU'VE ALSO WON AN ALL-EXPENSES PAID LIFETIME VACATION IN ONE OF OUR LUXURIOUS HOLDING CELLS!" A voice calls out as alarms fill the room. Hearing the alarms, X-Nauts come pouring into the room. You try and put up a fight, but it's no use. There are simply too many X-Nauts. They throw you in a cell to rot. As you're wasting away, you lament the fact that you, a 'Shroom writer, couldn't even answer one 'Shroom-based question.
Getting Tougher
"THAT ANSWER ISSSSSSS CORRECT! CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE MOVING ON TO THE SECOND ROUND. FOR YOUR NEXT QUESTION, WHO IS CURRENTLY THE 'SHROOM DIRECTOR?
Now This Is Just Sad...
"I'M SORRY BUT THAT IS INCORRECT! I'M AFRAID YOUR GAME IS OVER. BUT DON'T BE SAD. YOU'RE NOT LEAVING HERE EMPTY-HANDED! JOHNSON, TELL HIM WHAT HE'S WON!"
"For participating in today's Two-Factor Security Quiz, our lucky participant will go home with these lovely prizes: A copy of our Two-Factor Secruity Quiz Home Edition, a 50 coin gift card for the X-Naut Fortress Cafe, aaaaaaand he gets the honor of being the first test subject for our brand new disintegration ray!" A disembodied voice calls out as two robot claws come out of the floor, grabbing you and holding you tight. You struggle to get away, but, as it turns out, machines are stronger than man. A ray gun appears from the floor and you can see it charging up. You curse the fact that you got such an easy question wrong. I mean, what's wrong with you? Shoey signs your paycheck! Your only hope is that this prototype disintegration ray fails, but, needless to say, things aren't looking very good!
Time For A Toughie!
"CONGRATULATIONS, THAT IS CORRECT! YOU'RE MOVING ON TO THE NEXT ROUND! OUR NEXT QUESTION IS COMING AT YOU. AT WHAT BATTLE DID KING RICHARD THE THIRD OF ENGLAND UTTER HIS FAMOUS PROCLAMATION OF "TREASON"?"
Battle of Solway Moss Battle of Bosworth Field Battle of Assandun
We Go To The Judges
"OHHHHH, I'M SORRY! THAT IS INCORRE- .....WAIT A MINUTE, I'VE JUST BEEN INFORMED BY OUR PRODUCERS THAT I'VE ACCIDENTALLY ASKED A QUESTION FROM OUR TWO-FACTOR SECURITY QUIZ ADVANCED EDITION (now available at all major retailers for the low, low price of 55 coins!). I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. YOUR REAL QUESTION IS COMING RIGHT UP! WHO DREW THE TEAM BANNERS FOR ISSUE 208?
A Touch Easy, Innit?
"THAT IS CORRECT! I SEE WE'VE GOT AN ENGLISH HISTORY BUFF IN HERE! BUT DON'T GET TOO COCKY. THE QUESTIONS ONLY GET MORE DIFFICULT FROM HERE! FOR YOUR NEXT QUESTION... WHO DREW THE TEAM BACKGROUNDS FOR ISSUE 208?"
Recovered and Fumbled
"OH, I'M SORRY, BUT THAT IS INCORRECT! BUT DON'T WORRY! YOUR GAME MAY BE OVER, BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WALK AWAY EMPTY-HANDED! JOHNSON, TELL HIM WHAT HE'S WON!"
"Well Mr. Thwomp, for making it this far, our lucky contestant will receive a copy of our Two-Factor Security Quiz Home Edition, a 50 coin gift card for the X-Naut Fortress Cafe, a voucher for 15 free uniform cleanings, and, finally, an all-expenses paid trip into the depths of deep space!". After the voice makes its proclamations, a tube suddenly closes around you and your prizes. Before you can even protest, it fires you at the speed of sound into the depths of outer space. The bad news is you have no way to stop yourself from floating in space forever. But the good news is that your X-Naut uniform does not function as a space suit, so you won't really have to worry about that whole floating in space forever thing. See, life is all about perspective! Before you lose consciousness from that whole lack of air thing, it dawns on you how stupid you answer was. I mean, they don't even write for The 'Shroom! You should be able to answer basic questions like that!
Artist Known
"THAT IS CORRECT! I SEE WE'VE GOT AN APPRECIATOR OF THE ARTS! BUT DON'T GET TOO COCKY. THE QUESTIONS ONLY GET MORE DIFFICULT FROM HERE! FOR YOUR NEXT QUESTION... WHO DREW THE TEAM BACKGROUNDS FOR ISSUE 208?"
Are You Suuuure?
"OH, I'M SORRY, BUT THAT IS INCORRECT! BUT TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN, BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL GOING AWAY WITH SOME INCREDIBLE PRIZES. JOHNSON, TELL HIM WHAT HE'S WON!"
"For making it this far in today's Two-Factor Security Quiz, our lucky contestant will be taking home the following lovely prizes: A free copy of the Two-Factor Security Quiz Home Edition, a 50 coin gift card for the X-Naut Fortress Cafe, a voucher for 15 free uniform cleanings, a lifetime pass for the executive washroom, and, finally, a free trip to the incinerator!" The voice cheerful proclaims that disconcerting last prize as the floor opens up around you. You try to run away, but much like in cartoons, you just kind of run in place for a second before dropping down onto a sharp slide. As you slide down, the metal slide gets hotter and you can feel the flames getting nearer. You spend your last minutes lamenting that if you had just read issue 208's Staff Notes, maybe you would have gotten that question right!
Final Round!
"Congratulations, that is correct!" You notice that the Thwomp is no longer shouting as the studio lights (why does this place have studio lights?) dim, building up the tension in the room. "You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen. Our lucky contestant has moved on to the final round! If he gets this question, right he will prove he's Sir Grodus and gain access to X-Naut Fortress's most valuable treasure! Are you ready contestant? Good! Here is your final question! Who drew the main page banner for Issue 208?"
So Close!
"OH, I'M SORRY, BUT THAT ANSWER IS INCORRECT! BUT YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELF! YOUR GAME MAY BE OVER, BUT YOU GOT FURTHER THAN MOS,T AND YOU'RE STILL GOING TO BE WALKING AWAY WITH SOME FABULOUS PRIZES. JOHNSON, TELL HIM WHAT HE'S WON!"
"Well, Mr. Thwomp, for making it all the way to the final round, our lucky contestant will be going home with the following prizes: A free copy of the Two-Factor Security Quiz Home Edition, a 50 coin gift card for the X-Naut Fortress Cafe, a voucher for 15 free uniform cleanings, a lifetime pass for the executive washroom, and finally an exclusive meeting with our glorious leader Sir Grodus to discuss how he could infiltrate our fortress!" A disembodied voice proclaims these things as Elite X-Nauts burst in, dragging you off. Next thing you know, you're in a dark room terrified about what's going to happen. You've never met this Sir Grodus but, from what you've heard, this meeting can't be good! Tied up with no idea where you are and no ability to escape, all you can do is wait. While you're waiting, you think back to the quiz and about how you blew such a softball question. If only you had read Issue 208 more thoroughly, perhaps things would have been different!
A Meeting With The Big Boss
You're tied up, the room is dark, and you can only expect the worst. As you lament your fate, suddenly, the lights turn on, and you hear a door sliding open. You take a quick glance around the room, noting that it's pretty empty except for an ominous aquarium tank with some small sharp-toothed Nibbles swimming around. Your attention falls on the door, where a robed... cyborg? Maybe? Well, a robed man with an impressive spiked collar and a clearly computerized head approaches you, holding a scepter in his hands threateningly.
"You! Speak, now," he demands. "Don't even think to toy with me, worm. You will tell me how you infiltrated our fortress, or I will show you how unpleasant we X-Nauts can be."
Alarmed, you quickly think through your options!
Explain how you ended up here Burst free of the ropes and attack Grodus Burst free of the ropes and punch the Nibbles tank
What Is It They Say About Loose Lips?
Oh, geez, trying to get out of these ropes seems pretty tough, and that scepter is scary... Maybe it's best to just spill the beans. There's still a chance the big boss of a secret society running weird experiments and kidnapping people will be reasonable if you explain that this was all one big mistake and misunderstanding that got out of hand, right? He has to let you go on your merry way once he realizes you didn't mean for this to happen!
You open up your mouth and begin spilling everything. In fact, you nervously go into excessive detail, even, starting with the boat ride into Rogueport. Once you finally finish your story, Grodus turns away from you and mutters to himself. "Hmm... It was concerning enough when it was only one agent of The 'Shroom... But this organization has now made multiple attempts to infiltrate our ranks, and they have further agents in seeking Rogueport's treasures... How troublesome. There's only one thing to do in this situation. We'll have to strike preemptively. The only way to secure our security... is complete destruction of The 'Shroom! Gaaack ack ack ack!"
Upon hearing that, a you feel a fluttering in the pit of your stomach. Well, you'll probably be kept around as a prisoner to provide the X-Nauts with intelligence, at least for now, but, uh, congratulations, you've doomed the paper! Now, the handbook doesn't exactly say that bringing about the destruction of the paper at the hands of an evil organization is a fireable offense, but you can't help but think it's going to be hard to convince Shoey that it means you shouldn't be fired for this!
A Final Battle!?
No! No more fear, you decide! You aren't going to get cowed by some evil computer! Grodus won't get a word out of you! In fact, you'll do something unthinkable - you'll stop him, here and now!
Summoning all of your strength, you attempt to flex your muscles and burst through the ropes... emphasis on attempt. It turns out that it's pretty hard to burst through well-made ropes and that, uh, you aren't a superhero! On the bright side, all your squirming around does result in you successfully slipping out of the ropes. You slide down onto the ground and spring up, charging right for Grodus...
...who, having had plenty of time to watch you squirm and anticipate your attack, simply raises his scepter, conjuring lightning which strikes you true! Your world goes black as the volts surge through your body, thinking to yourself that maybe this plan wasn't very well-thought out!
Sleeping With The Fishes
Oh stars, what do you even do in this situation? Uh, uh, uh, you probably aren't going to make it out of this, but you can at least inconvenience Grodus! You'll... You'll, uh... You'll break his fishtank! How do you like that, Grodus? YOUR FISHWATER'S ON THE MOON!
Summoning all of your strength, you attempt to flex your muscles and burst through the ropes... emphasis on attempt. It turns out that it's pretty hard to burst through well-made ropes and that, uh, you aren't a superhero! On the bright side, all your squirming around does result in you successfully slipping out of the ropes. You slide down onto the ground and spring up. Grodus, having watched you squirm and anticipating an attack, raises his scepter. A bright flash and deafening thunder fill the room, but the bolt... misses, striking between you and Grodus while you veer to the right and go for the fishtank. Apparently, he was expecting a direct charge!
As he curses you, you smash into the tank with a full-body tackle, busting the glass and causing a great wave to pour out! Nibbles flop in panic as they spill out into the room, but what's really interesting is what happens when the water reaches Grodus. When the wave gets to him, he begins twitching and jerking around, the lights inside his computerized cranium all turning red and flashing rapidly! "Wha-!? WHAT HAVE Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-OU DONE, WOOOOoooorrrrr..." He shouts, his voice fading as his head sparks and smokes. The lights inside his head go dark, he collapses, and his scepter, falling out of his hands, rolls over to you.
Curious, you pick it up, bending down and grabbing it just in time for the door to open again, Lord Crump and two Elite X-Nauts rushing into the room. "Sir Grodus, it was getting real loud in here! We came to- Buh?" Crump looks at his broken-down boss in confusion, and then to you, standing there awkwardly with Grodus' scepter in hand. "Woah," he says, clearly intimidated as he holds his hands up and takes a step back. "Uh, don't make any sudden moves with that thing," he pleads. "Uh, if you wanted to be the big boss so bad... Just don't hurt us, and your wish is our command, new boss dude."
Over the next few days, with Lord Crump's support, you solidify your command over the Secret Society of the X-Nauts, cementing yourself as the organization's new terrifyingly-powerful leader! In your heart, you know this isn't right, but reviewing their world-conquering plans, you get to figuring that it would be nice to have the world in the palm of your hands, and what kind of leader would you be to let all these plans go to waste?
And so your story ends with you leading the X-Nauts to glorious world conquest. It's an impressive end to your story, but... is it really the end you want?
The Grand Prize!
Upon answering, sirens fill the room and confetti drops, "CONGRATULATIONS, THAT ANSWER IS CORRECT! YOU'VE ANSWERED ALL OUR QUESTIONS CORRECTLY, PROVING THAT YOU ARE INDEED OUR GLORIOUS MASTER, SIR GRODUS! JOHNSON, PLEASE TELL OUR SUPREME LEADER WHAT HE'S WON!!!" shouts the ecstatic Thwomp.
"Well Mr. Thwomp, for completing our Two-Factor Security Quiz, our glorious supreme Leader Sir Grodus has won the following prizes: A free copy of the Two-Factor Security Quiz Home Edition, a 50 coin gift card for the X-Naut Fortress Cafe, a voucher for 15 free uniform cleanings, a lifetime pass for the executive washroom, and, finally, our grand prize, our very own CRYSTAL STAR! This powerful artifact of seemingly infinite power is all yours," the disembodied voice calls out as the Crystal Star appears before you.
Feeling the power radiating from it, you approach it and take it in your hands...
As you touch the star, your eyes roll back into your head as you see a vision of… an art gallery, filled with all manner of paintings. Each seems to depict a landscape.
You walk down the gallery’s halls, taking a moment to look at each painting. For some reason, despite their diversity… they fill you with nostalgia. It’s like you’ve seen them somewhere before, a long time ago… All except for one.
One painting stands out to you, a place you haven’t seen before. While the painting is quite nice on its own… those nostalgic sentiments are nowhere to be found. Perhaps, unlike the others… it portrays a place yet to be found?
The Crystal Star now in hand, you decide that it's probably high time you get out of here with your cover intact. After a little searching around, you find a room that looks like a promising escape route...
