The 'Shroom:Issue 210/TV Tomorrow Commentary Tracks
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Hello everyone! It's Quizmelon here. You may have heard of me from the TV Tomorrow column I do over in the Fake News section. Indeed you will probably have only heard of me from that, because it is basically the only thing I contribute to this community. I don't venture out much - I stay in my box, and tell you what's on the box in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Or at least I did. Because after writing a hundred issues of TV Tomorrow, dating back to June 2016, I'm finally retiring at the ripe old age of 20, just in time to receive the Nobel Prize for Literature for my body of work. I've written my final one, and you can read it in this very issue. But I felt that, if I wanted to both mark the centenary milestone and properly send off my long tenure as TV Tomorrow writer, I needed something grander than can be confined in a single ordinary column. I didn't want a whole issue to celebrate me, like some people have had: I'm not a pivotal enough figure to warrant that. I didn't want to attempt a convoluted multi-article narrative, not again. I did consider stealing the Cullinan diamond, but I decided that was irrelevant, and moreover it's apparently illegal. So truth be told, I was stumped. Until I had the perfect idea.
I'm a big fan of DVDs, and one of my favourite things about DVDs is the bonus features, something which ever since the streaming age seems to have been tragically lost. In particular, I love DVD commentary tracks, where the people involved in making the film or TV show rewatch it and give a running commentary, providing behind-the-scenes insight into how it was made. It's a real shame we don't really get those any more. So I thought, why not resurrect this tradition? What better way to properly memorialise my TV Tomorrow career as a full oeuvre, while also tying it tenuously into my column's televisual theme?
That's right, welcome to the TV Tomorrow Commentary Tracks, the textual equivalent of a DVD commentary. (The TVT-DVD, you might call it.) I've gone back through every TV Tomorrow I've ever written, and I've typed up a short(-ish) commentary for every single one, whether that's behind-the-scenes info or simply my retrospective thoughts on how I feel about the article now. I'm aware this perhaps makes it more like a textual rewatch podcast than a DVD commentary but never mind that. I'm calling it a DVD commentary. It's cooler that way.
In true keeping with my article's style, some of these commentaries contain real, genuine information, and some of them are made-up nonsense. (I will warn you, it's not always as easily discernible which is which as you might think.) Also, I've included the link to each article alongside the commentary, so you can read along and know what I'm talking about. Indeed as well as a commentary track this also serves as a convenient archive of all my TV Tomorrows, should you ever want to read the whole thing, instead of, I don't know, James Joyce or whatever.
It's been really fun going back and reading all of my past columns, cause to be honest I'd never really done that until now, and I'd forgotten a lot of it. It's very interesting to see how my writing skills and style developed over time, because (as both you and I will shortly discover) in the early days my TV Tomorrows were actually not very good, and they got a lot better over time. And I've loved writing all about myself and my successes and failures writing this column, because metatextual commentary is my lifeblood. So I hope you enjoy reading these as much as I've enjoyed writing them!
But without further ado, then, let's go back to the beginning, no.111, as I present you my ONE HUNDRED TV Tomorrow televisual throwback treats, not just of this month, but of all time. Let the commentaries - commence!
| Link | Commentary |
|---|---|
| Issue 111
(June 2016) |
My very first article, its firstness emphasised by the fact I don't just start at no.1 but at no.111. And also emphasised by the fact it's not very good. The pictures are all misaligned, the shows are poorly described, and that intro, yeesh. In all seriousness, I would like to sincerely apologise for that very awkward and really rather insensitive attempt to acknowledge the tragic passing of someone I never knew. It was a pretty rough issue to start my 'Shroom career with, all things considered, especially since I was only 12 years old. But I still could've and should've handled it a lot better. A bad start all round, really. |
| Issue 112
(July 2016) |
This is a much better effort, at least on the picture alignment front. Though I do note that The Tumble Show is listed as 'new' despite having been mentioned in the previous month's article, quickly throwing any universe consistency out the window; that isn't going away fast. You'll notice also the show descriptions are very sparse, though as the conclusion says, 'I might expand in future'. I wonder if I might. |
| Issue 113
(August 2016) |
Four pictures? Four? What indulgent excesses are these? Truth be told I was quite sick this month, bedridden with a severe case of Olympic fever, and the only prescription was More Pictures. Indeed, my Olymph nodes were so swollen this article is simply bulging with Olympics content. TV Tomorrow effectively became Sport Report for a month. (Worth noting too that on the day this was published the Rio Olympics were already almost over. Great timing, young Quizzy.) |
| Issue 114
(September 2016) |
This is the article that got me voted my first SOTM. So here's a genuine actual true story: 12-year-old me thought using the word 'crap' in the intro to this article was very edgy and cool, and also terrifying. I was not a profane child and this felt like being extremely naughty to me. Seriously. I was worried the police would come to my house if they found out. Kids can think some fucking bollocks ass shit, right? But at least I was finally addressing the weirdness of having a monthly article that only covers television on one day a month. (Besides all this, mind, what on earth is 'tantalisingly heartwarming' supposed to mean?) |
| Issue 115
(October 2016) |
By now I've clearly settled into my TV Tomorrow identity - we've got the first acknowledgment of my role, the first self-characterisation as a hopeless fame-seeker, and the first signs of explicit metacommentary (which makes this metametacommentary). Also the first film in TV Tomorrow history, described in perhaps the least interesting way possible. |
| Issue 116
(November 2016) |
Live age update: I'm now 13. Blessed with newfound self-confidence from attaining teenagedom and securing popular recognition for my articles, I embarked on the dangerous challenge of writing a horror-themed column for this issue, despite Halloween having been last month. As you can see I eventually got scared and bailed by making the third show about horses. I was not yet ready for the challenge. After all, I was still telling myself 'enough babbling' after only having written about two sentences. If only we had known the quantities of babble to come. |
| Issue 117
(December 2016) |
First Christmas - 'or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or whatever', as my young self rather condescendingly considers the possibility of other winter celebrations. Definitely could have done that with more tact. Sorry. Other than that this one is wholly unremarkable, but it may spark joy if you like random Mario screenshots which prominently feature snow and ice. |
| Issue 118
(January 2017) |
By 2017, I appear to have settled into my role too much and entered what can only be described as a Bland Era. This one is really not very interesting; totally sans panache, as the French would say, if any of them were actually reading this. Though that third image might be one of the only pictures in the column's history that at least somewhat looks like a still from a TV show. |
| Issue 119
(February 2017) |
WHello! The miseries of February encroach for the first time upon the shores of TV Tomorrow, and they bring with them a superfluous W. WHere I also anticipate getting angry mail about using the word 'football' instead of 'soccer'. As it happens, after this article was published, I did indeed receive three bags of angry letters, as well as two parcel bombs and quite a lot of anthrax. WHowever it turns out that was actually all because I referred to Cookatiel as 'Gordon', which people were very upset about. (WHe's got a lot of rabid fans, that Cookatiel.) |
| Issue 120
(March 2017) |
Apparently I was just really into football at this time of my life, because this is not only the second column in a row to have a football-related show (and the soccer/football naming debate again), but there's also two separate football-related images. Though turning the Petey one into a gadget show might still be one of my favourite picture recontextualisation jobs that I've ever done. |
| Issue 121
(April 2017) |
The peak of my Bland Era, this one is just inexcusably dull. Sorry. It's still worth clicking through to the issue, though, because the Game Corner section just underneath it is absolutely hilarious, YKMR3000 did a brilliant job with that section. Give it a read! |
| Issue 122
(May 2017) |
By this one it's clear I was just coasting on formula, enjoying the spoils of my laziness and lack of imagination. 'Interesting premises and popular actors'? Please. I was clearly just doing it for the money now. This month I'd even bought myself a lovely little semi-detached cottage in rural France with my earnings, living out a deeply lethargic life with only the most minimal adherence to my journalistic commitments. Of course, turned out later I didn't actually earn any money for writing TV Tomorrow, which although a horrible shock to my idyll, rather helped to revitalise my artistic spirit. Take from that what you will. |
| Issue 123
(June 2017) |
Ah yes, the infamous Day of Wario, that strange day in Mushroom Kingdom television where Wario was allowed unmitigated control of broadcasting. And in this column I sound so genuinely angry about it. I mean, it was terrible TV, but I was probably just working out the rage I was feeling after the French government foreclosed on my cottage. Besides, we later found out Wario had been blackmailing all the channel heads over their involvement in a 1-UP Mushroom cartel, and was broadcasting deliberately bad stuff as a protest against them. So seems he was the hero all along. |
| Issue 124
(July 2017) |
Another fairly uninteresting one, so I might as well use this space to make yet another apology. In this early period of TV Tomorrow, the forums either didn't have emboldening functionality, or (more likely) I simply didn't know how to use it, so whenever I sent my articles over to MrConcreteDonkey I just wrote the word '(Bold:)' in front of the words I wanted in bold and made him do the work himself. I am very sorry, MCD, for my youthful incompetence and laziness. I will happily repay you with my own labour if you ever need something emboldened. |
| Issue 125
(August 2017) |
'TV Tomorrow never stops, at least not until I get bored of it', I claim in this article, incorrectly. As today has proved, TV Tomorrow does stop, even when I'm not yet bored of it. Unless, of course, someone else wants to continue its unstoppability, and prove younger me right…? |
| Issue 126
(September 2017) |
Ah, the first Shroomlock Files yearly special! The long-running Mushroom Kingdom detective series which popped up with a new episode every September, none of which were ever illustrated with pictures of Shroomlock. Also note how Mario is the murder victim in this one, but shows up as a living character in some of the later ones. Oh no wait sorry - it's actually 'Marino'. Plot hole averted, phew. |
| Issue 127
(October 2017) |
The most noteworthy show in this column is True Lava, aka what happens when a child who has never watched any trashy reality TV attempts to come up with a trashy reality TV show. As one of the first times (outside the Wario issue) where I directly contravene the notion that I am 'recommending' these shows and instead just show open contempt, it's actually fairly amusing. I do however regret that I didn't save it until Love Island became popular a couple years later, because 'Lava Island' would have been a way better punny title. |
| Issue 128
(November 2017) |
Live age update: I'm now 14. And the claim in this intro is absolutely true. This is indeed one of the rare times where I almost missed the submission deadline, hence why it's brief even for this early era of general brevity; and it indeed happened partly because I was playing a lot of Paper Mario: Colour Splash, a birthday present and a game that I will forever defend as actually pretty good. |
| Issue 129
(December 2017) |
Another big one for the snow and ice screenshot enjoyers! And another Christmas-themed TV Tomorrow, including a reference to the traditional British festive activity of racing young infants through the snow. Many people not from the UK unfortunately did not understand this cultural reference, and I was forced to add to my anthrax collection. |
| Issue 130
(January 2018) |
You know, I always used to say that if people wanted to read all of TV Tomorrow they should start with 2018 because that's where I hit my stride, but rereading this one I'll be honest my stride feels very much unhit so far. There's still vestiges of the Bland Era in my intro and conclusion, and also a very poor choice of second picture which has thrown all the formatting out of whack. Considering this one was no.20 it's worrying they haven't really got good yet. We'll get there eventually… (I hope…) |
| Issue 131
(February 2018) |
Despite the very clear disclaimer at the bottom of this column that I don't hate people born in February, I still received much criticism and vitriol from people misinterpreting my stance, as well as yet more anthrax and parcel bombs. So you know what? I'm doubling down. If you were born in February, I hate you. You have been tarred with its brush of misery and are unworthy to grace this world.* (Also, sidenote: a Mah Jong romance drama is a both a hilarious concept and one that could actually be quite good. Someone needs to make that.)
*THIS IS A JOKE. OBVIOUSLY. NO MORE ANTHRAX PLEASE. I HAVE TOO MUCH. |
| Issue 132
(March 2018) |
You will notice that the third image in this column is strangely missing. That is because it was stolen from the paper by radical political activists from the Galoomba Party, longtime opponents of Luigi's Green Party, who objected to me putting a rival political broadcast in my TV recommendations. Contrary to popular speculation, it has nothing to do with me forgetting to include the image link when I sent the column over. No, I was the target of a political attack. (But I eventually reclaimed the picture, as you will see in a few months time…) |
| Issue 133
(April 2018) |
When I first joined the Wiki, I briefly styled myself on my userpage as 'the wiki's unofficial grammar-checker', with the stress on unofficial because I was young, I rarely actually did any grammar-checking, and moreover as this article proves I wasn't even 100% grammatically correct myself - it should be 'obtain guidance', not 'attain guidance'. Attain is for achieving something, like a role or quality; obtain is for acquiring something, like guidance. O how I repent my foolish youthful hubris! |
| Issue 134
(May 2018) |
Formatting's a bit of a mess on this one. It's because all of my TV Tomorrows are transmitted to the 'Shroom directors in pieces as IKEA-style flatpack columns, meaning the directors themselves have to reassemble them. But Superchao was standing in as Fake News director that month, and I forgot to send him the instruction booklet along with the article, so he just had to guess at how to assemble it. In light of that I think he did the best he could! |
| Issue 135
(June 2018) |
The Luigi issue! A rather controversial issue, of course, considering Luigi's prominence in Mushroom Kingdom politics at the time. I was rather worried the Galoomba activists would be back to protest, but I managed to cut a deal with them where I used a derogatory, mocking tone towards Luigi throughout the column, in exchange for getting back the picture they stole from Issue 132, which I was very fortunately able to repurpose for a different show - it's the first image in this one. |
| Issue 136
(July 2018) |
We're now more than a quarter of the way through my TV Tomorrow career (or only a quarter of the way, depending on how you want to frame it). Agents of S.H.R.O.O.M. is a rare example of an obvious title parody of another show, though I haven't actually seen Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. so who knows how effective the rest of it was. In fact it's worse than that because it wasn't even my idea; I borrowed (read: stole) the name from someone who suggested it on the forums. Should've stuck with MORTON really. |
| Issue 137
(August 2018) |
Nothing much to say about this one really. The Kongs' hit single being called 'Bananas Are The Sustenance We Rely On' is a funny joke. But otherwise this one is nondescript. (No, I'm not regretting my decision to write something about every single one of these. This is a worthwhile endeavour on both of our parts. Keep reading!) |
| Issue 138
(September 2018) |
This article marks the first return of the Shroomlock Files annual specials, once again not actually featuring any Shroomlock in the image. This one is yet more significant however, for a different SF: this was the debut of film channel SmashFilm, whose action B-movies became a popular recurring feature - well, with me, that is. They were fun to write. But I admit I've no idea if it was at all popular with the general public. Perhaps you all hated it. In which I apologise. Once again. |
| Issue 139
(October 2018) |
Well, opinions may differ but I reckon the Bland Era is firmly behind me now. But what has replaced it? Perhaps a Self-Importance Era, a different product of becoming too settled in my position? Certainly the intro to this one bears that out, where I create a nice little joke setup about meeting a fan, except the punchline is just that the fan gives me a compliment. And I'm not 100% sure I meant it ironically. Hmm. |
| Issue 140
(November 2018) |
Live age update: I'm now 15. Most teens my age at this time were doing cool teen things and hanging around outside the shops and vaping and doing sick tricks on their BMX bicycles. Meanwhile I was reviewing television shows that I made up. But I have no regrets. Vaping is bad for you, but TV Tomorrow is very healthy stuff. |
| Issue 141
(December 2018) |
Christmas again! Ice and snow screenshot enjoyer community in an absolute shambles here though, the coincidence with the Smash issue has left them with only the middle image. Did give me a great chance to bring back (potential) audience favourite SmashFilm though. But speaking of SmashFilm, why is it hyperlinked to a scavenger hunt signup on the forums from two years later? I didn't do that? Have I become the target of the weirdest SEO marketing campaign ever?? |
| Issue 142
(January 2019) |
Fun fact: this issue marks the first use of the word 'televisual' in my TV Tomorrow tenure, a word that would get used quite a lot in later columns because, despite its sparse use in regular parlance, it's a very convenient adjective for my purposes. Plus it's just a pleasing word to say. (Assuming you read all TV Tomorrows out loud to yourself, which is the proper way to consume them.) |
| Issue 143
(February 2019) |
Je n'ai pas étudié français depuis 2020, alors je n'ai aucune idée si ma grammaire dans cette introduction est correct. Um ehrlich zu sein, ich weiß nicht warum ich französisch gewählt habe; mein Deutsch war immer besser. I suppose 'TV Demain' sounds a bit better than 'TV Morgen', though neither is particularly good. If only I'd taken Spanish in school, then we could have had TV Mañana! But alas, none of my international franchising efforts for TV Tomorrow ever took off. Rhy ddrwg. |
| Issue 144
(March 2019) |
For a second March in a row, the third picture is strangely missing. Once again, nothing to do with my own failings, and not the Galoombas either this time - it was stolen from me by the scammers at warioandwaluigi@thisisnotascam.com, who I only discovered after publishing this column had stolen all my credit card numbers. Hence the postscript at the end; it wasn't a silly joke, it was a deadly serious warning. (If you're interested, the imago in absentia was an screenshot from Mario Maker, but I forget which one - I was never able to recover it.) |
| Issue 145
(April 2019) |
You know what, Self-Importance Era was the wrong moniker, I think. This period might be better known as the Bland Awareness Era, an important transition phase where I'm not necessarily becoming any more interesting, but I am at least clearly aware of my own 'dearth of anything actually humorous' in the intros and conclusions, and taking my first steps towards attempting to fix it (e.g. by burbling in French, see 143). The fictional programming, at least, is getting much more interesting; Bonneton Exposed and the Mole parody from this one are two of my all-time favourite creations. |
| Issue 146
(May 2019) |
This TV Tomorrow? Terribly tricky! The test to totally tessellate the text's Ts was truly tremendous… ah crap, 'was', failed again. The alliteration of this one is another entirely superfluous bit, but it's all part of the Bland Awareness Era's transition phase, it's healing. And anyway, language games are fun. (As a side note, Chain Chomps Can't Play Tennis is a film I genuinely want to watch.) |
| Issue 147
(June 2019) |
'The strangest attempts at unique humour and captivating writing' god I thought I was so quirky and cool didn't I. Also, bragging about winning SOTM all the time. I guess the Self-Importance Era and the Bland Awareness Era were somehow the same thing all along. Quick everyone, distract yourself from this terribleness with the tiny little picture of a Fish Bone. Aw it's so small and cute! So tiny compared to every other picture. Awww. |
| Issue 148
(July 2019) |
This one is fine. |
| Issue 149
(August 2019) |
Curses! My images have been undermined once again! And once again it is definitely absolutely not my fault! Well, at least there isn't one missing this time - though arguably the alternative is worse. A mixup at the postal service that sends me my images meant I got two copies of the second image by mistake and no copies of the third. And I can't even remember what the lost one was supposed to be. To be honest I suspect the postal service of having a deliberate vendetta against me; after all, all those anthrax letters and parcel bombs I get come to me through the mail. |
| Issue 150
(September 2019) |
Ah, the glorious Issue 150. Almost exactly five years ago now. To mark the occasion, there's a special 'Shroom documentary show, as well as a new Shroomlock Files - although in that case the occasion it's marking is just the month of September. And also a third show about Shiverburn Galaxy that seems entirely irrelevant. Issue 150 is also of course the only other issue besides this one for which I wrote a special article, about a Mario fan group on the now-defunct trivia app QuizUp that I was a part of. It's not a TV Tomorrow so I won't be talking about it here, but I'll link it here anyway to complete the archive - it's a pretty good read I think, even if there's a lot to be desired image-wise. |
| Issue 151
(October 2019) |
A Halloween one, the first I think where I register a complaint about Halloween appropriating the otherwise lovely autumnalities of la belle Octobre. Also might be considered a sequel to Issue 135 considering the quantities of Luigi, though again with enough mockery to appease the Galoombas. |
| Issue 152
(November 2019) |
Live age update: I'm now 16. (Old enough to use a computer instead of transcribing these by hand.) As the intro to this one observes, despite its increasing popularity across my tenure I never introduced streaming television into TV Tomorrow, sticking to fictional terrestrial cable channels. Not sure what the real-world practical reason for that was, but at least this article gives an in-universe justification. What's stranger is that just ten issues ago I claimed the Mushroom Kingdom had 120 channels, whereas by here it has fewer than 20. What happened to the missing 100?… |
| Issue 153
(December 2019) |
Last TV Tomorrow of the decade, and what better way to send it off than by verbally abusing Donkey Kong. Once again an iconic and well-loved figure takes over the channels and I decide to call all their programmes terrible. I think the Donkmaster gets the last laugh here though; certainly he manages to expel almost all references to Christmas and certainly every last ice and snow screenshot from the December issue. DK = Dominating Khristmas. (PS: the penultimate line of this one is the first time I've genuinely burst out laughing while rereading these.) |
| Issue 154
(January 2020) |
First TV Tomorrow of the decade, but also last of MrConcreteDonkey's tenure as Fake News director. And it appears MCD predates me in the practice of retiring after exactly 100 issues - a parallel I hadn't realised until just now. I had no idea I was mirroring his tenure, but it certainly adds a neat credibility to my own decision, and to the role of the number 100 as a round milestone. So I'll take the opportunity here to credit MCD for his excellent work as director, a pleasure to work for during my early career. (And also apologise to him once again for making him embolden all my titles for so long. Sorry!) |
| Issue 155
(February 2020) |
It's not at all clear from my summary really, but 'Champion of the Challenges' is a deliberate homage to the British show Taskmaster, which had at this point just become my favourite TV show of all time. It's brilliant. And free on YouTube in most regions. My homage doesn't really do justice to why it's so great but you should watch it. This is just free advertising for the show now but it's amazing so I don't care. Watch it. Now. |
| Issue 156
(March 2020) |
It being March 2020, the production of this TV Tomorrow was underscored somewhat by major world events that impacted the lives of a great many people. I am of course talking about the collapse of Morton Construction and the resultant financial crisis that led to the cancellation of the TV Tomorrow podcast before I even had time to rent a microphone. Truly devastating stuff. But at least we'll always have Groovigi. |
| Issue 157
(April 2020) |
Most of the process of TV Tomorrow is an imaginative exercise in generating TV show ideas from still images. Sometimes this process is arduous, and my explanative writing has to do the heavy lifting to divine something out of the picture. Other times, however, it is as though God Himself has sent me the perfect image, one which effectively writes the show concept itself. The Wario fitness picture might be the most illustrative example of that. (PS the April Fools story in the framing of this one is absolutely true and I'm still ashamed about it.) |
| Issue 158
(May 2020) |
Is it just me or is TV Tomorrow getting… good? Certainly from my perspective at least it's reached a recognisable form and style. And we're not even halfway yet, which is very pleasing. I mean, there's still some patchiness here and there, and in this one someone seems to have gone a bit heavy on the emboldening ink (whoops). But I dare say, even in the context of a world crisis, spring 2020 marks the birth of the Good Era. (Or maybe it was because of the world crisis? Does TV Tomorrow only thrive in times of great distress? It's something to think about…) |
| Issue 159
(June 2020) |
Reading the intro and conclusion to this one I am suddenly struck with a profound melancholy that all those devoted fans who derive all the joy in their life from looking forward to fresh TV Tomorrow are now having that joy taken away from them by my departure. For a moment I wonder if I am making the right decision. Then I remembered I invented the concept of those fans as part of the self-importance shtick and they don't exist. See, these are the problems I have in blurring these lines between fantasy and reality. (And besides, TV Tomorrow might yet return one day with a new writer…) |
| Issue 160
(July 2020) |
TV Tomorrow numero fifty! We're halfway there. This is also the health special, an issue theme of course relevant to the unfortunate contemporary world events - Morton Construction held a lot of stock in the pharmaceutical trade. I note in the conclusion that sickness or disease will never be why I stop TV Tomorrow; hence I would like to use that as evidence to quash any rumours that I am retiring from the column because I am suffering from the bubonic plague. I am perfectly healthy and decidedly nonbubonic, thank you very much. |
| Issue 161
(August 2020) |
I genuinely was trapped in a poorly-decorated hotel room without any WiFi while writing this article. It really was a terrible place to be. Above all, the wallpaper was this hideous sickly yellow colour - which come to think of it, was probably why I was writing like a despondent 19th-century novel character (if Charlotte Perkins Gilman's to be believed, that is). |
| Issue 162
(September 2020) |
The Shroomlock Files are back again, but still no sign of Shroomlock in the image (there is a Toad at least, but it's the Captain). I'm telling you, if Nintendo announces a new game with Shroomlock right after I retire with a bunch of Shroomlock-centric screenshots I could have used to illustrate these, I'm going to be very annoyed. (Side note: this is the second consecutive month with a world-weary intro tone. Evidently the world crisis was getting to me a bit.) |
| Issue 163
(October 2020) |
Was a bit disappointed by this one to be honest. I'd planned to do a Halloween special article, with perhaps some kind of spooky metanarrative, but before I could put it into action, a nasty thieving ghost who was possessing my sofa at the time leapt out and stole both my TV remote and my dignity from the bank vault where I store them. I then of course had to chase it down all the way to the Generic Dark and Scary Forest, where I got captured by the fabled Beast of Nightmares after it mistook me for its ex-spouse. I was only able to get free by chewing through my prison bars (which fortunately were made of toffee) but by the time I got back, Halloween was over and I had to cancel all of my plans for a special Halloween-themed story. Plus I never did retrieve my dignity. Oh well. At least this one proves I always deliver on my contract, even when in absentia ad absurdum. |
| Issue 164
(November 2020) |
Live age update: I'm now 17. Incidentally, I obtained the Mushroom Kingdom Parks and Recreation DVD box set I mention here from the nail technician who built me my new robotic fingernails after I lost my originals scratching words into a rock (it's murder on the keratin). Though I admit it's a rubbish adaptation; replacing Ron Swanson with Wario loses a lot of the sharply-written character humour for unneccessary fart jokes. A much better alternative is the Mario/FLUDD homoerotic subtext drama described here, which might be one of my funniest ideas. |
| Issue 165
(December 2020) |
Well the conclusion to no.164 turned out oddly prophetic! What a weird coincidence. No ice and snow screenshots in December once again, but then again the invading Shroobs had melted it all. You know, though - the Shroob invasion might have felt like the end of days at the time, but looking back on it, it was quite a fun time really. I might even go back and watch some 'Squawk! No Bread Is Kjakhohih For What?' tonight, see if it's got any better with age. Was probably just an underappreciated gem shown before its time. |
| Issue 166
(January 2021) |
Whew, that was a few high-energy and high-concept ones in a row there, almost got vertigo. Had loads I could have commented on, to the point where I've had to cut some of it; somehow my DVD commentary now has deleted scenes. Luckily this one's pretty standard so we can just sit back, relax, and ignore the fact the film Diddy here looks strikingly similar to the episode of Mushroom Kingdom's Got Talent from February 2019. Just another weird coincidence, yeah. |
| Issue 167
(February 2021) |
Don't have much to say about this one, it's not particularly interesting - mostly more February depression. Though my radical plan for shortening February remains an intriguing prospect. Maybe now I'm unemployed, I should run for office to implement it as government policy. |
| Issue 168
(March 2021) |
A year into the Morton Construction financial crisis now, but TV Tomorrow continued unimpeded. The assassination theming of the intro and conclusion here is a vague allusion to the Hitman games, which are not Mario games, but which I was obsessed with enough at the time to have some desperate urge to somehow reference them. |
| Issue 169
(April 2021) |
The first entry here gives me as good a chance as any really to talk about Yoshi's Island, one of the longest-running shows in the Mushroom Kingdom and also in the continuity of TV Tomorrow, first referenced back in the very first one. It's intended to be a soap in the vein of British shows like EastEnders or Coronation Street, though I've barely watched those and also had to formulate my plots around Yoshi screenshots that don't really suggest traditional soap drama plotlines, so who really knows what kind of show it is at this point. I am a good worldbuilder :) |
| Issue 170
(May 2021) |
The power of inserting irrelevant quotes from famous philosophers to appear more intelligent and well-read than you actually are is a very useful writing tip - after all, as St Thomas Aquinas once said, 'when man is deprived of spiritual joys, it is necessary that he become addicted to carnal pleasures'. Don't tell me TV Tomorrow never taught you anything. |
| Issue 171
(June 2021) |
Once again we pass a fellow centurion on this journey to mark my own century! This is the article from the FunkyK38 artistic special issue, which was also my five-year milestone, and also at the time the longest TV Tomorrow ever - that latter no longer being true, as it turns out a byproduct of the Good Era's general improvement in writing quality meant I also wrote much much more. But overall I'm very pleased with this one - I think the continuity gag that Rosalina's live show from the April issue turned out to be awful is one of my favourite bits. |
| Issue 172
(July 2021) |
The Olympics are back, though my Olympic fever is thankfully not so fiery a temperature this summer around. Indeed I appear to have tried to medicate it with a hefty dose of metacommentary, one of the first proper broachments of this column's neverending tension between reality and fiction. Jury's out on which is healthier. |
| Issue 173
(August 2021) |
One of the most groundbreaking articles in TV Tomorrow history, where I became the first ever television critic to posit that wings were appendages irrelevant to entertainment value. This naturally went against the common wisdom of the time, and I got a lot of flak in the press for my outspokenness, but a scientific study published in the International Journal of Interdisciplinary Wing Studies last year collected data that proved my hypothesis right. Wasps and puffins lie at either extremity of the entertainment scale, and yet both are winged [Attenborough, 2023]. So there. |
| Issue 174
(September 2021) |
Fun fact: when originally applying the job of TV Tomorrow, I was planning to have the TV stand for Triskaidekaphobic Vaquitas. My intention was to do a sort of ocean forecast where I could help those poor little endangered dolphin guys steer clear of any triggering thirteens they might encounter in the Gulf of California the following day. That idea got shut down by the publishers for being 'too niche' and 'not Mario-related in the slightest' - probably for the best since it turns out I'm much better at television criticism, but I still referenced it at the end here as an Easter egg. (And hey, lil dolphins, if you guys are reading this - stay away from Saint Stephen's Island tomorrow, there'll be 13 fishing boats in the surrounding waters. Just doing my bit to help you guys out!) |
| Issue 175
(October 2021) |
This article itself isn't too special (no fewer than three call-backs to previous issues, so evidently even only 65% of the way through I've begun relying on my back catalogue of random assorted to sustain my ideas) - but this issue is interesting because my appearance in the Trick or Treat special was when my true form was first exposed to the world, summoned through portraiture by The Pyro Guy, artiste par excellence. I am, and always have been, a ghost melon, and that truth must now be factored into all previous assorted lore already established. Caused quite the uproar when it was first turned loose on the world, I tell you! But the picture is wonderful, exactly to my specifications. My heartiest thanks again, TPG! |
| Issue 176
(November 2021) |
Live age update: I'm now 18. That's right, TV Tomorrow is now being written by a legal adult. Make of that what you will. |
| Issue 177
(December 2021) |
It's the Mushroom Kingdom National Day of Yoshi Pride Special Edition! The only day in the calendar strong enough to oust Christmas from December. Well apart from a Shroob invasion. And Donkey Kong just being around, I guess. Christmas has had a real bad track record re staying power in recent December issues, hasn't it? Well at least there's a snow and ice screenshot. And in all honesty this is one of my favourite ever articles, I loved putting this one together. 'Yudolph' still makes me laugh. |
| Issue 178
(January 2022) |
This article asks the question 'Quizmelon, do you adapt the length of your individual descriptions to the length of the pictures you include to accompany them' and answers it with a resounding NO. What a void that is in the middle there. Still, I suppose voids seem less ominous in light purple, one of the many benefits of the Fake News colour scheme. (PS the marshmallows are still hanging there. They're still watching me. They still haven't rotted. I'm too scared to touch them.) |
| Issue 179
(February 2022) |
Surprisingly this is still the only TV Tomorrow where I got hit by a lorry and exploded before I was able to finish it. I had got quite good at dodging them after a while but you know how it is, one failure to look, one mistimed optimistic remark about how things seem to be going well, and blam - you miss a month of your life in an operating theatre getting your flesh stitched back together. Typical February. At least the shows in this one are good. |
| Issue 180
(March 2022) |
As you can see from the intro to this one, this archive isn't the first time I've tried to preserve TV Tomorrow for all time. Obviously that one was less successful (though I still do get fan emails from people living on the Sun who love my work), but the dream of collected longevity lives on. As another note, a few people have noted similarities between Gary the Galoomba and Below the Mushrooms, the very first show I covered for TV Tomorrow, which also featured a Goomba-species character called Gary. To that I say - the plagiarism lawsuit between those shows' creators is still ongoing, and I have been advised not to comment. |
| Issue 181
(April 2022) |
You ever completely miss that the upcoming issue is a special themed issue honouring someone's dedicated commitment to the 'Shroom, so you end up writing an article that completely ignores the theme and instead employ a rather crude framing joke about a dog pissing on a lamppost that you genuinely happened to see while you were writing it in a car park, but then luckily you do notice your mistake in time to change it, except you can't be bothered to rewrite the whole article so you just tag in a casual line about it at the end that just makes the whole thing come off as kind of rude?
…Nope, me neither. |
| Issue 182
(May 2022) |
Live age update: I'm now 66. Had a run-in with an evil wizard in early May, and he put a curse on me that aged me by 48 years, which was a real bummer for a while (though at least I was able to claim State Pension in the UK). Fortunately after writing this article I was able to return to my original age of 18 by drinking an anti-curse remedy made of dog piss… Damn it, it did become a running gag! I'll never live that down. |
| Issue 183
(June 2022) |
A Sunshiny special from TV Tomorrow, as I actually managed to pay attention to the theme in advance this time, and when I wrote it there were no pissing dogs around (stop it!). By the way, my conclusion note that two-thirds of these shows were crime-related later turned out to be inaccurate; it was actually three-thirds, as The Doot-Doot Show turned out to be a front for the ruthless Isle Delfino mafia, orchestrated by Il Piantissimo. That isle's just a haven of crime I guess. |
| Issue 184
(July 2022) |
Big purple voids were everywhere in 2022, it seems. I'll explain this one away as literary, as the disruption it makes to the articular order is acutely representative of quite a deconstructionist edition of TV Tomorrow, with ironic commentary upon elements of the Mario universe abound: Spring Mario, Steam Gardeners, and Strikers Charged Football all get questioned as narrative concepts. I'm a true artist. |
| Issue 185
(August 2022) |
An unusually satirical one for me with this issue's intro and conclusion. Both unusual because I usually prefer absurdism over satire as my mode of humour, and because in actuality I loved and supported the Booster Course Pass, even back in the early waves when opinions on it weren't high. Chalk this one up as an instance of shameless political pandering. |
| Issue 186
(September 2022) |
Another September, another Shroomlock Files, the sixth such in fact, and thus quite clearly the point where I am running out of screenshots to appropriately depict murder mystery dramas. As a consequence, we've veered rather from Columbo vibes into the X-Files with these exploding heads. (I presume. I've never actually seen either of those shows.) Also in this issue, The Observer is a semi-reference to Nathan Fielder's The Rehearsal, which was big at the time. (I call it a semi-reference because it is another show I have not seen. For a guy who spent eight years making up fake television, it appears I haven't actually seen that much of the real thing.) |
| Issue 187
(October 2022) |
In this column I mention serving on the Committee for October Reclamation, a committee which still continues to fight nobly if unsuccessfully for its goal of de-emphasising the role of Halloween in October's public perception, though I was of course disgracefully kicked off the council after I was photographed dressed as Frankenstein's monster as early as October 5th. I still protest my innocence - I was simply road-testing my new formal wear - but I accept the committee's ruling, and wish it the best of luck in its future endeavours. (PS I'm so pleased with the name Beauty is Ocean Deep. One of my best show names I think.) |
| Issue 188
(November 2022) |
Live age update: I'm now 19. The Rivals is not the first show in TV Tomorrow canon to establish that Mario and Sonic exist within the same universe, but it is the most explicit, and so I'd just like to take this time to explain in detail that I never worked out the ramifications of this and I don't particularly care to now. Just another weird kink in the lore that we all (mostly me) have to eventually accept. All is multiversal chaos. Side note: I did eventually release the novel I plagiarised from the shows in this column, and indeed never got caught for plagiarism, because it didn't sell any copies. Win-win! |
| Issue 189
(December 2022) |
Getting real for a minute, I actually really love this one - Mario Kart is probably my favourite Mario sub-series, so it was a lot of fun to write a special issue about it, and the framing device of getting frozen in my car which can only receive Mario Kart TV might be simultaneously my most contrived and yet also my smoothest interlinking of Christmassiness with the wider issue theme, not to mention a really funny idea. Also, can we appreciate that even with the dominance of karting screenshots, I included pictures from three different MK games to allow for visual variety? There's even a snow and ice screenshot in amongst them (though I admit it's not especially apparent). Well I at least can appreciate. |
| Issue 190
(January 2023) |
We're teetering ever closer to the present day now; genuinely thought I wrote this one this year rather than last year. It's the Modern Era from here on out, I'd say - not that that means we're not also still in the Good Era, mind, dare I say even the Great Era. The polish, quality, and finesse on these is so much better by this point. I actually feel consistently proud of these now, they're damn good. (Oh no, I've broken all my resolutions again.) |
| Issue 191
(February 2023) |
The shortest TV Tomorrow of a Modern Era which really otherwise saw the heyday of the (overly?) long one. February just takes it out of me, I guess. |
| Issue 192
(March 2023) |
Here we go, the beginning of the TV Tomorrow World Tour, the one time I attempted a narrative arc within my column, despite doing no real forward-planning for this whatsoever and basically just working the story out on the fly. I'm still undecided on whether or not it was a good idea, so I guess we'll find out and judge as I reread it for the first time. That said I do quite like how it begins with what seems like a fairly innocuous one-off, similar to previous faux-moneymaking schemes I've created before; it's a fun little surprise to see it bloom. But strap in, folks, we've got another eight issues of this! |
| Issue 193
(April 2023) |
The World Tour continues as of yet unimpeded by shenanigans, other than a long bit about believing Zurich, Switzerland to actually be Wichita, Kansas. Which is actually quite a funny bit now I read it. This might be the high point of this arc to be honest. |
| Issue 194
(May 2023) |
Finally the narrative begins to take shape on the World Tour storyline, though of course this is only possible, as with most stories, with a multiple-paragraph introduction. I do like how again it comes across fairly innocuous, apparently just the inevitable denouement of comic failure, as though the traditional structure had simply been elongated across three issues - but no, fakeout, decoy, there's still more to come! The three shows in this one are all pretty solid too, just standalone this is an article I'm very happy with. Though I shouldn't have called the Katuaq Cultural Centre team bitches. That was uncalled for, and I apologise. |
| Issue 195
(June 2023) |
This was the movie-themed special issue, which coincidentally coincided with a story beat involving my getting mysteriously trapped in a cinema complex. Total coincidence, I promise, it's not contrived at all. Anyway, since I was stuck watching films, this remains the only TV Tomorrow to not actually cover the television on tomorrow, hence its retitling to Films Yesterday. (Does that mean I've actually only done 99 TV Tomorrows? …No. It doesn't.)
This is also a rare example of the shows I describe having actual pertinence to the framing narrative; normally, as you'll soon see, those are two completely separate tracks, and never the twain shall meet. And one last thing - I have a lot to say about this one - I make jokes about it once I notice, but here I genuinely didn't realise until long afterwards (about issue 199, as you'll see) that 'Violet Gamma' makes no sense as the cinema's name because Waluigi's gamma symbol is yellow. (PS one last last thing - does this article make it obvious that Waluigi is the cinema proprietor? I never did know if I was doing that bit too subtly or too unsubtly. Feedback would be appreciated. But I've written too much on this one now) |
| Issue 196
(July 2023) |
The longest TV Tomorrow ever at the time of its release, but in my defence, it was just because the formatters were lazy and just used my long email to the offices as the article itself. Ah well, at least it made for a neat little framing device, and a convenient source of exposition as I try to detail the complex narrative situation I've ended up in. (Behind-the-scenes sidenote: I genuinely didn't introduce the concept of dimension-crossing Toads back in Issue 193 intending to incorporate them into the narrative at the end here. That was a lucky break and some spirited improv.) |
| Issue 197
(August 2023) |
So it seems I really hit the nail on the head with the functionality of the email format as expositional device, cause here it is again! Except this time it's an email from E Gadd, who since he got mentioned way back in no.1 is technically an iconic TV Tomorrow lore figure. I did a lot of work reading quote-pages on the wiki to get E Gadd's voice just right, and I hope you all appreciated it. I particularly love how E Gadd apparently includes a full body photograph of himself in every email he sends. This one was a lot of fun to write. (Though I don't blame you if you've lost track of the actual narrative somewhat. I suppose I thought introducing interdimensional shenanigans into the mix would make it a cool metatextual sci-fi epic, but it's just made it largely unfollowable.) |
| Issue 198
(September 2023) |
Sorry, up until now in these commentary tracks I've been varying between genuine behind-the-scenes info and whimsical in-universe nonsense, but ever since the World Tour arc started up the latter has rather got shelved. It's harder to shift between those two modes when it's all technically one big thing, and besides I'm keen not to add more confusing lore to an already convoluted story. That said, I don't have much comment about this one: it's the third of the four email ones, another distinctive voice which was fun to write, there's another Shroomlock Files, the shows described are now once again totally divorced from the main narrative. Classic stuff, nothing transformational, so don't listen to me here. Just read it & enjoy the ride. |
| Issue 199
(October 2023) |
OK stop enjoying the ride because I have Things to Say. It's the final email format, and basically the effective denouement - I wanted to resolve the whole arc with Issue 200, so there's a lot of hurrying stories along here. That is one reason why it is a Colossal Mess. Another ingredient in the soup is my sudden panicked decision that, as the television world's de facto representative to the 'Shroom, I really should be integrating contemporary news about the writers' strike into my article, and making some kind of point about that. There's some nice bits in it, but it just never really comes together in my opinion. Oh well, perhaps you the Reader can look upon it less critically than me. But quite frankly I'm just happy I was able to keep the show descriptions out of all the chaos. They're their own neat little thing, a reminder of the Good Era. Ahh. Lovely. |
| Issue 200
(November 2023) |
Live age update: I'm now 20. Which is my current age! That's right, less than a year of this to go now. You probably could tell that from the scroll bar but still, woo, milestones.
Speaking of milestones, this is Issue 200! And also the conclusion to the World Tour arc! These totally coincidental factors unite to create the new and still-standing longest TV Tomorrow ever, despite also being the only one to contain just a single programme. But you've got to do something special for special occasions, right? Got to say it though - I don't like this one at all. It's maybe my least favourite post-Bland Era TV Tomorrow. It's just a whole lot of narrative exposition without any jeopardy as I desperately try to tie everything up neatly without much success. 'It was all a misunderstanding!' feels like a lazy ending. The prose is fanfic-level weak too, lots of telling not showing (this is why my novels don't sell). And honestly without the proper triad of show descriptions the soul of TV Tomorrow feels lost. Also it's extremely and distractingly fixated on Waluigi, both textually and visually, cause I inexplicably made him the lynchpin of the story as this kind of mischief-maker-turned-avant-garde-artist. Fun enough idea but a weird choice for a satisfactory ending to nine issues of buildup. Sorry for all the complaining and self-criticism, and for the fact this entry is so much longer than all the others. I just feel a pathological need to distance myself from thinking all this was a good idea, in order to preserve my reputation I guess, and that brings out my words in a right torrent. Whatever. Perhaps you enjoy this one! I hope you do! Love my work please! But for me at least it's time to move on. Silliness will resume in the commentaries shortly, thank you! |
| Issue 201
(December 2023) |
O snow and ice screenshot enjoyers, you have suffered many a festive moon under the duress of having other themes encroach upon the space that should be rightfully allocated to your blessed glistening cold white. But suffer no longer. For those themes have been spent in November, leaving your wonderful snow and ice screeenshots, in all their glorious majesty, to parade a triple whammy upon December. O rejoice! For tis Christmas-time again at last! |
| Issue 202
(January 2024) |
And so we come to 2024, the current year. I didn't know it at the time but it's quite clear I was already on a track that's winding down to its end; the shift into extreme metatextual panic about the incoherence of TV Tomorrow lore that we get in these final articles is clearly an unconscious product of my anxiety about leaving a complete legacy. (It's also a result of me trying to veer in the complete opposite direction from 2023's disastrous attempt at creating coherent narrative worldbuilding, by just lampshading how much of a mess it is. Lampshading: the coward's way out, but still remarkably effective.) |
| Issue 203
(February 2024) |
Yet another unusually short TV Tomorrow coincides with February. The shortest month lives up to its name, even when it's supposedly leaping. By the way, can we talk about how stupidly long it took me to do a show about Flint Cragley? He's one of the few Mario characters to canonically work in television, it's ridiculous he's only showing up now. At least I waited till the Good Era I suppose. |
| Issue 204
(March 2024) |
Though speaking of the Good Era, are we even still in the Good Era? The writing's still solid but the content… this would be better termed the Meta Era. These super-meta articles are actually getting quite hard to write commentaries on because they've sort of become commentaries themselves now; the points about Kamek and inconsistency I make in this article are exactly the sort of thing I could be using to fill space in this. Shut up, past me! You're stealing my bit! (I have to admit though, this one is probably my favourite of the more meta articles - the interruption to the Mario Kart description in particular is very funny.) |
| Issue 205
(April 2024) |
Congratulations by the way to TV Tomorrow reader Jonathan Pseudonym, who was randomly selected as the winner of my prize draw in this article, and received my credit card as his prize. He has since been making frequent use of his prize to purchase illegal weapons and narcotics online, all at great expense. Jonathan, if you're reading this, I'd love to interview you about what life has been like since you won the prize draw - why don't we grab dinner some time? I've heard the police station does great meatballs. Oh and bring your card, I'll need you to pay! See you there. |
| Issue 206
(May 2024) |
This is the last TV Tomorrow I wrote without the foreknowledge that I would be resigning after 100 issues, and in retrospect that makes it very very funny that I did a whole bit about starting a loyalty rewards scheme for a column that would end only a few months later. Ah well - perhaps the scheme will roll over if another writer takes up the TV Tomorrow mantle. |
| Issue 207
(June 2024) |
As of when I'm writing this the 'Shroom archive stops at Issue 206, so I had to go find these last ones myself. (Usually archives are missing the very earliest records, but the 'Shroom somehow lacks the very latest ones.) Anyway, here's another article which has an overarching theme that becomes very ironic considering the column would end in a few issues' time, except this time that was done by deliberate design. Indeed it was intended as foreshadowing for my departure, another display of my literary capabilities. (PS how it took me so long to use that first image in one of these articles is a total mystery to me.) |
| Issue 208
(July 2024) |
TV Tomorrow Yes Dplease! Yep, it's the TTYD special and I'm still far too proud of that dumb acronym joke. I do have another TTYD to make though, a TV Tomorrow Yurgent Disclaimer: I haven't actually played TTYD before. I do intend to obtain the Switch remake imminently, especially since I really enjoyed making this one; I had a lot of fun coming up with the shows, it's a great world to work with and I can't wait to play in it too. Considering my lack of experience with the game, I'm very pleased with how this one turned out, it's a nice one for my swansong era I think - a Totally Tremendous Year Denouement, if you dplease. |
| Issue 209
(August 2024) |
The penultimate one, and the last 'normal' TV Tomorrow so to speak, since the last one is more of a finale. This one was written after I'd already written a lot of these commentaries, so I had the context of my earlier attempts to work with when crafting this one (particularly with my final bout of Olympic fever, which I manage a lot more healthily here than the last couple times). Of course, this is also when I first announced my departure, which I have to say not everyone took well - some people were quite upset to see me go. I even got angry letters about it, not to mention a whole lot more anthrax. Which I mean, guys, come on, if you're trying to keep me around, anthrax does the opposite of that. Could've picked a way better strategy there. |
| Issue 210
(September 2024) |
Here we are. The last TV Tomorrow of the Quizmelon Epoch and its many sub-Eras. Though as of when I'm writing this, this article doesn't actually exist. I haven't written it yet. It is but a germinating seed in my mind, a few scattered ideas which I will eventually bloom majestically onto the page, but not yet. This does of course cause some problems for this commentary, because I don't really have anything to say. It's usually considered a bad idea to record the DVD commentary for your movie before you make it, and I see now that principle also applies to columns. Part of me wants to do some foreshadowing here of what it might contain, but there's no point, the finished product is already in this issue, you can just go look at it whenever you want. Maybe you've already read it, in which case you know more than me at this point in time. I hope you enjoyed it! I'm looking forward to making it into something I'll hope you enjoy! But anyway, seems like I've solved my problem, I've filled the space more than enough, so I should get on with actually completing my magnum opus. So for the TV Tomorrow Commentary Tracks, then - that's a wrap. |
Thank you so much for reading my stuff!
- Quizmelon
| The 'Shroom: Issue 210 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | TV Tomorrow Commentary Tracks |
