The 'Shroom:Issue 165/Fake News
Director Notes
'Tis the season to be invaded by aliens. This month, the 'Shroom has been invaded by the fiction Shroobs, and their new law states that all media needs to be praising the Shroobs. I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords. I hope you'll all have some happy holidays, if you celebrate.
Being this year's last special issue, there some new specials. Please check out the end-of-the-year awards, vote in the director election, read the special Switch It Up! section, where Reverse Input reviews The Messenger, maybe check out the Killing The Killing Game special written by The Pyro Guy (talk), and check out this month's 'Shroomfest. Also check out the other teams to see what extra sections they cooked up this month.
As for Fake News, after a lengthy absence, Goombuigi (talk) will be returning, writing Monthly Inquisition. We also have a guest section, in the form of Shop Scout, a section from our previous Fake News director, MrConcreteDonkey (talk)!
As with every month, if you wish to write for Fake News, or any other team for that matter, please head over to the sign up page!
Section of the Month
Last month's Section of the Month results are a bit different than usual; this time, the winner was Booguette, a guest writer, and their section Horoscope, with a massive 40 votes. Congratulations! The other winners also deserve some recognition; Quizmelon (talk)'s 23 votes gained from their TV Tomorrow section, and Yoshi876 (talk)'s 21 votes from their Obituaries section, as well of the fourth place Peddler's Place made by Coffee with 3 votes, also did great. I encourage our readers you enjoy our sections this month, and to vote again!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Horoscope | 40 | 45.98% | Booguette |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 23 | 26.44% | Quizmelon |
| 3rd | Obituaries | 21 | 24.14% | Yoshi876 |
Professor Elvin Gadd
I am so confused right now! Today, I learned that Professor Elvin Gadd from the past has died, and yet here with me in my cramped Fake New office - I'm legally prevented from calling it an actual broom closet – is Professor Elvin Gadd who is clearly not dead.
The younger Professor Elvin Gadd resumed his studies at the Thwomp Volcano after helping defeat the Shroob invasion, but the volcano erupted again, and this time the professor was not so lucky and he was killed in the ensuing eruption. Having examined the body myself, I can confirm that it was more char-grilled than the toast I attempted to toast, however, unlike on that occasion no fire alarms were set off and I didn't need to shift the blame onto someone else.
Explaining this strange paradox to me, the older Professor E. Gadd said: “This is possible because the Mario series has just entirely given up on continuity. You could kill Baby Bowser and you'd still be finding the princess in another castle the next day. Besides, you should know all about continuity, considering how you're considering reusing jokes from the previous obituary for this one!”
I was one step ahead of the good professor, everyone knows he's never been in a Mario Kart game, so I can hardly repeat that joke; although I did have to quickly delete questions on whether he remembered burning horribly in a fire and why his skin looks so good right now.
The funeral of young Professor E. Gadd will be held on Yoshi's Island. Ghosts are not certain whether to make an appearance as they dealt more with the older E. Gadd and don't want to cause too much of a scene. Thankfully, Baby Luigi will attend the funeral alongside Luigi, but Baby Mario had a pressing matter to attend to, the towers he spent building for the past five minutes won't knock themselves down and force him to cry about it. Funeralgoers are reminded that although the body is still incredibly warm, it is actually discourteous to toast marshmallows over the body. Sausage wieners are anybody's game though.
Goombuigi enters the stage.
Goombuigi: Welcome, one and all, to another episode of Monthly Inquisition! I'm aware that I've had a rather lengthy absence, but rest assured, I'll be back to a regular schedule from now on.
A Buzzy Beetle in the audience smirks. Goombuigi looks briefly towards him, and after a rather awkward moment of silence, continues.
Goombuigi: Anyway, you probably noticed that I have this odd-looking machine next to me. That is a time machine that Professor E. Gadd kindly borrowed to me. At the backstage are Mario and Luigi, who I will be interviewing today. But, since I am contractually obligated to interview someone related to Mario & Luigi, Partners in Time, and since there is no way I could get ahold of any of the Shroobs (I like my life, you know), I shall interview Baby Mario and Baby Luigi. Using this time machine, I shall interview them at the age of eight, when they are able to speak in full sentences, but can still be considered children. I won't decrease in age, since I will be using the time machine.
Parabeetle (from the audience): Will we become younger then?
Goombuigi (stuttering): Um, well…
Bullet Bill (from the audience): I won't let myself become a baby! You're gonna take me in the time machine with you!
Everyone from the audience agrees and they hurry to the time machine, to Goombuigi's surprise. With little time to react, he hurries to the machine before the barrage of audience members trample over him. Cramped, they barely fit in the time machine. Goombuigi sets up the controls, and sets the machine to the past.
Goombuigi: It seems to have worked…
Goombuigi goes to the backstage, and gets Baby Mario and Baby Luigi, who are both crying.
Goombuigi: Hi, Mario and Luigi. Welcome to the interview!
Baby Mario: What am I doing here?
Baby Luigi: I want to go home!
Koopa Troopa (from the audience, to his neighbor): I'm pretty sure he could face legal action for that...
Goombuigi: Now, calm down kids. You'll go home in just a minute. First, I need to ask you some questions.
Baby Luigi: But… but mommy told us not to talk to strangers!
Goombuigi: I'm not a stranger, I'm your friendly interviewer. You don't need to worry at all. (to self) Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to do this...
The babies start crying again.
Goombuigi: No! Stop crying! First question: What are your last names?
Baby Mario: Last name? I don't know.
Goombuigi: OK then… What was your first memory?
Baby Mario and Luigi think for a moment.
Baby Mario: My first memory is me riding in a go-kart. It was lotsa fun!
Goombuigi: What about you, Luigi?
Baby Luigi: I … I can't remember.
Goombuigi: Can you remember anything?
Baby Luigi: I … remember being behind the stage.
Goombuigi: That was five minutes ago! I'm talking about your earliest memory!
Baby Luigi: Uh …..
Goombuigi: Next question: Which school do you go to?
Baby Mario: Mushroom Kingdom school.
Goombuigi: How is it there?
Baby Mario: It's boring.
Goombuigi: What teachers do you have? Are they humans? Toads? Other species?
Baby Luigi: They're Toads.
Baby Mario: They look really funny, like big mushrooms.
Goombuigi: That's because they are. Moving on, what friends do you have at school?
Baby Mario: My friends are Green Toad, Red Toad, the other Green Toad -
Baby Luigi: Mario likes a lot of Toads friends.
Goombuigi: What about you, Luigi?
Baby Mario: He doesn't have as many friends as I do.
Baby Luigi: Yes I do! Uh … Birdo … and, um, Fly Guy … oh, and Daisy ...
Baby Mario: Oh, Luigi loooves Daisy!
Baby Luigi: What? I don't!
Baby Mario: Luigi and Daisy sitting in a tree, K-I-S-
Goombuigi: OK, cool. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Baby Luigi: I'm not sure yet. Maybe I'd like to be … a scientist, or -
Baby Mario: I want to be a doctor! They have lots of cool things to do!
Goombuigi: Nice. Now, you ask me a question. You see, I can see into the future, so, ask me about your wishes for the future, and I'll tell you whether or not they become true.
Baby Mario: You can see into the future?
Goombuigi: Indeed.
Baby Mario: Well … I'd like to know if I become a doctor.
Goombuigi: Indeed you do.
Baby Mario: Wow! That's so cool! My wish will come true!
Baby Luigi: Wait, how do you know that?
Goombuigi: I told you, I can see into the future.
Baby Luigi: I don't believe you.
Goombuigi: Come on, give me a wish, and I'll tell you if it will come true.
Baby Luigi's response is interrupted by a violent bang. The door next to the audience opens, and two furious adults enter, their faces red with rage.
Baby Mario and Baby Luigi: Mommy? Daddy?
Goombuigi:Uh, what an, um, pleasant surprise! You must, uh, be the parents of Mario and Luigi! Would you like an interview!
Mario and Luigi's mother: We've been looking for our children for hours!
Mario and Luigi's father: We were prepared for the worst!
To his horror, Goombuigi sees Pianta police officers running towards him. The audience gapes in surprise. Without any hesitation, Goombuigi jumps in the time machine, sets up the controls, and pulls the lever to travel to the future.
Goombuigi: Phew! I'm safe.
Goombuigi emerges from the time machine, only to find the audience completely empty. Realization strikes him - the audience didn't enter the time machine with him, thus, they became older and likely died.
Distressed, Goombuigi enters the time machine again, and sets it to travel to the past, a couple of years before the interview. Thoughts enter and leave his head, muddled. Once he travels to the past, Goombuigi emerges from the machine once again. This time, he finds the audience, Mario, Luigi, their parents, and the police officers, all a couple of years younger than when he last saw them. They all look bewildered, wondering what they are doing in this particular building.
Goombuigi: Bye, Mario. Bye, Luigi. Audience, come with me.
Goombuigi motions for the audience for enter the time machine with him. They do so in silence. Once he sets the correct time, the time machine travels one last time. Once that is done, the audience emerges, with a blank look on every face.
Goombuigi: Well, goodbye, everyone. I hope you enjoyed this month's interview.
Parabeetle (from the audience): What interview? I don't remember an interview.
Conveniently, Professor E. Gadd enters the room.
Professor E. Gadd: Have you finished using the time machine? It's been an hour already.
Goombuigi: Yes, but I have a bit of a problem. I ran into some … issues, and due to me travelling zig-zag into the past, then the future, then the past, the audience doesn't seem to remember anything.
Professor E. Gadd: Oh, I can get that sorted. Come with me, fellows. (to Goombuigi) I'll come back for the time machine later today.
Goombuigi: Oh, thank you very much, Professor.
Professor E. Gadd leaves with the audience, while Goombuigi mulls over the day's events. He hoped that an incident like this one wouldn't happen again.
Written by: MrConcreteDonkey (talk)
Would you believe it? My car broke down again. I don't even know how it happened. I just woke up as usual, left the house and went to unlock my F Dasher, only to find the car had completely vanished, with a weird purple mushroom sitting in its place. If that wasn't bad enough, the next thing I know, this massive spaceship appears above me and latches onto my leg with this grabby metallic arm, pulling me onboard.
When it finally drops me, I'm in this cockpit-esque chamber. There's all these weird noises blaring out, and piles of random junk stacked up to the ceilings. So I start walking around for a while, looking for a way out - but, unfortunately, come across something I'd hoped to never see again...
There it was. I was starting to wonder if this whole abduction thing was just a ruse to get me to buy another one of this guy's tacky go-karts. Out of necessity, I swallow my pride and head in. The new owner of the shop introduces himself to me as "Lakishroob", and wears this neat purple hat and space boppers. There's also a completely purple guy standing in the corner of the store, looking me up and down while clutching a ray gun. Lakishroob tells me his name is "Gene".
| Item | Image | Price | Description |
|---|---|---|---|
| Shroob Wheels |  |
40 Space Junk | You've dominated the world - why not dominate the racetrack? |
| Θ-Dasher |  |
9999 Star Bits | This car's top speeds are unimaginable to the human mind. Some say you can see through time itself while you sit atop it. Unfortunately explodes on contact with a banana peel. |
| Γ-Dasher |  |
15 Star Crumbs | We had to invent new technology to make this thing worse. |
| Shroobmellow |  |
100 Vim | Beautiful, isn't it? |
| Ray Gun |  |
220 Vim | Well, as long as Gene'll let you... ah... right... Gene says he won't let you have it. |
| Ray Gunn |  |
Hey, I'm not for sale! | Hey, kid! I'm Ray Gunn. You've probably met my brother James. He directed Guardians of the Galaxy (2014). |
| Nuts and bolts |  |
20 screws | Just found these lying about on the ship. Hope they weren't important! |
| VIM Energy |  |
10 Coins | Conquering planets sure is tiring, so why not perk yourself up with a can of VIM Energy? |
| VIM Zero |  |
10 Coins | New VIM Zero: zero vim; all sugar. It's a can of sugar. |
| Space Block |  |
∞ | T̟̮͕h̩͉̻͎̳ͅe ̥͚̦S̗p̖̹̯a͚̘͙̠̩ͅc͎ḙ̫̳͖̘ ͕̬͔̫̣̹B͞l̖͙̪̖̮̞͓͜o̤̺c̤̙̼͢k͇̭͠ ̤̬͘i͏͔̭ş̱̱ ̦̭̫̳̱̟̭a̼̘̯̘͇̜̖ll͙.̧̞̬ ̘̠̦̙̲͇͝T̀ḥ̱͝e͕̙̗̬̠͜ ̴͇͔͍̪̻͚S̜͈͔̤̫̲̟p̜̞̯̺̗͎̹a̬̱͎̺̦͙͠c̸̱e̼̣̹͙̭͉͚ ̻̹Bl͡o͏̲̯̭̼̞̻̮c̗̱͕̼̞̜ͅk̯̀ ͕i̳̘̰̟̜͈͈s̺̝̪̩͚ ͚̩͓̹͜e͍̩̗̬v́ḙ̬̠̮r͏̝͙̲ͅy̨͓̠ͅt͞h̼̙̥i͍̹̥͍̘̲n̢̳̰͉̳̱ǵ̫̯̜̯͖ͅ.͕̳̪ |
Suddenly, Lakishroob grabbed me and pulled me aside. He told me his assistant Gene was actually en elite Shroob guard, and he needed me to buy a car from him so we could go out and "give it a test drive" - at which point, we'd escape. Once again I had failed to not buy a car from this guy.
: WAIT. YOU STAY HERE. I WILL GO WITH HIM.
So then Gene follows me as I start to walk out, holding up the ray gun - when, all of a sudden, Lakishroob leaps on top of him (somehow?) and snatches the ray gun.
: Wow! Come on, let's get-
: No. You stay, too.
Then he turns the gun on me. That's poor customer service if I've ever seen it.
- : HOW DARE YOU? THIS IS A MUTINY.
- : Ha ha ha... You think this is a mutiny?
- : That's funny...
- : Since when were we on YOUR ship?
All in all, I cannot recommend Lakishroob's shop for hospitality (had a ray gun pointed at me multiple times) or location (not close to any roads), but it's still been the most pleasant experience I've had in this shop. I give it a 3/5.
Panic! Panic! Panic! The Shroobs have landed in the Mushroom Kingdom and are taking over. Nobody is safe from the terror they cause and the havoc they wreak, not even the television controllers over at MKBC Studios or any of the other channels. The Shroobs have captured the major signal masts and switched all the programming over to their strange alien channels. This is horrifyingly unfamiliar territory for me, as I can’t understand the language, and the signal isn’t great; but I fear that if I do not review these programmes well, I will be swiftly liquidised. Hopefully someone will deal with this soon - meanwhile, here’s the best three programmes from another world...
Love is Out of This World (approximate title)
SPBC1, 6pm
Genre: Telenovela (I think)
This is one of the longest-running programmes on the Shroob Planet Broadcasting Channel, and focuses on the romance between an alien woman and a handsome human male (who is also being played by a Shroob, and it’s not obvious at all). I think the episode I watched demonstrated the powerful passion of their love, and how connected they were despite their differences, but it could just as easily have been showing a rocky and tumultuous period in their relationship. It honestly seemed like both at once... Still, definitely worth watching, five stars, please don’t kill me.
You Shroob, You Lose (approximate title)
SPBC2, 4.30pm
Genre: Game show (probably)
This is another Shroobian (Shroobese?) long-runner, hosted by the suave Grkeblik Jeejuyge (the best attempt I could make at romanising his name). However, to celebrate the successful invasion of the Mushroom Kingdom, tomorrow’s episode is a very special one, featuring human contestants instead of Shroobs. The aim of the game is to answer multiple-choice questions and then compete in physical games to earn points; the loser has to face the deathly Shrooboid, and often the winner does, too. Overly complex and quite harrowing for human viewers, this one is a definite recommend from me, provided I don’t get liquidised.
Squawk! No Bread is Kjakhohih For What? (no idea)
SPBC1, 9.30pm
Genre: ???
Honestly no clue what this is. There’s interspersals of cosmic reverberating which could be Shroob laughter, so maybe a comedy? Scenes switch from one to another with an alarming lack of warning; there seems to be a host (or three) but they rarely say more than six words at a time and spend most of their time just standing there with ominous grins; and the show is continuously intercut with colourful adverts for some kind of confectionery, or perhaps heart medication. The title is the best translation I could find in my dictionary - we don’t seem to have an equivalent of the word ‘Kjakhohih’ in English. Oh, but it’s a fantastic show, loved every moment, I don’t want to die.
It’s a real shame, too, because this was meant to be the article I used for the yearly tradition of festive television, with all sorts of wintry programmes on to bring good cheer and merriment. The Shroobs don’t seem to celebrate Christmas or any similar alternative, unless their traditions include obliterating villages and laser-torturing people to death. If anyone has a time machine, I suggest you use it now, and save us all. Do it for the integrity of the television media industry! (Oh, and everyone else, I suppose.) If the world is saved, I will see you next month. If not, I’ll be in liquid form. Fingers crossed!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 165 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • End-of-the-Year Awards • Director Election • 'Shroomfest |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Switch It Up! • Killing The Killing Game |
