The 'Shroom:Issue 194/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! So it's May now, huh? Things really start to speed up once you get out of the winter slog. We're busy as usual here at The 'Shroom, and by busy I mean I'm trying to find a good deal on a popcorn machine for the office.
Sport Report and Consumer Corner are both taking the month off, but we do have some guest submissions to make up for it! We have two editions of News Flush written by Shoey (talk) and Roserade (talk)! Hm, where have I seen that duo before... I've also chipped in with Peddler's Place! Be sure to check them all out, and of course read our regular sections too.
As for things coming up, next month is going to be our movie-themed special issue! To commemorate the occasion, we'll be bringing back the ancient section known as Fake Movies! Yeah, it's so old that it wasn't even around to get a better name when all the other Fake News staples got better names. We're calling it Reel News now, because that's funnier. If you have an idea for a fictional movie to show off in Fake News, now's your chance! Like News Flush, Peddler's Place, and other sections, I'll be taking Reel News submissions with no application necessary! Just write it up and send it to me privately, and I'll take care of the rest. I hope to hear from you over the next few weeks! Of course, it doesn't have to be Reel News to get in on the fun, so any movie-themed sections you'd like to submit (or even ones that aren't movie-themed, I'm not picky) are more than welcome!
I feel like I've covered the whole shilling thing for this issue, so I'll keep this last bit brief. If anything I've said interests you and you'd like to join the Fake News team, head over to our sign up page to get started! And don't forget about volunteer one-offs and early submissions for Issue 200!
Section of the Month
If you didn't see this coming I'm not sure what you expected, but TV Tomorrow by Quizmelon (talk) has once again taken first place! Maybe all these SOTM wins can be used to keep funding the World Tour. Just kidding, we don't give out any monetary prizes with these, only good feelings. In second place is a face-off between Francis and Birdo and Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, and in third place we have Diggin' Up Dirt with the inside scoop on Donkey Kong. Thank you to everyone who voted, and please be sure to continue supporting our writers!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | TV Tomorrow | 18 | 29.03% | Quizmelon (talk) |
| 2nd | Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown | 15 | 24.19% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 3rd | Diggin' Up Dirt | 9 | 14.52% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
Written by: Parshoe G. Shoelow (talk)
Fighter Debut Spoils Red's Celebration
The night was supposed to be a celebration of victory for Smash Bros. Champion Incineroar and his Pokemon Trainer, Red, but it quickly turned into a nightmare. It all happened at the broadcast of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate live from New Donk City Hall, the first Smash Bros. event since the Brawl to End them All, where Smash Bros. Champion Incineroar defeated Mario in a controversial fashion in a match where Mario promised to leave Smash Bros. for a year if he lost. I say "controversial" because the match ended when Incineroar shot Mario with a concealed Banana Gun despite the match being itemless. Regardless, the decision stood, and Mario bid a tearful, if temporary, goodbye.
The show opened with champion Incineroar and his Pokemon Trainer, along with the rest of Team Meanies, promising a special celebration at the end of the night in memorial of Mario's career. But that memorial would never happen, because, right before the main event, Commissioner Master Hand surprised the crowd with the announcement of a newly-signed fighter set to make his debut in an impromptu match against Lucas. The crowd would come unglued as this new fighter was revealed to be Dr. Mario, who made quick work of the young psychic, using his Super Sheet to send Lucas's PK Fire back at him before finishing him off with his special Dr. Tornado attack. After the match, Master Hand shook Dr. Mario's hand and congratulated him on a successful debut. Following this, an enraged Red entered the stage, getting in Master Hand's fingers and screaming at him.
WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? WE HAD A CONTRACT! WE HAD AN AGREEMENT! HE'S BANNED FOR A YEAR! HOW STUPID DOES HE THINK WE ARE? HE THINKS HE CAN THROW ON A DOCTOR'S COAT AND SUDDENLY HE'S A NEW PERSON? I WANT HIM OUT OF HERE, MASTER HAND. I WANT SANCTIONS. I WANT HIM BANNED FOR LIFE.
Master Hand, speaking through a Primid interpreter, informed Red that Dr. Mario had official documents referring to him as Dr. Mario, chief physician at Mushroom General and that he had official documentation as a citizen of the Mushroom Kingdom. This stood in contrast with Mario's paperwork, which signified him as a plumber from Brooklyn. Because of that and because he couldn't 100% confirm that Dr. Mario and regular Mario were one and the same, Master Hand declared he was going to give Dr. Mario the benefit of the doubt. Master Hand ended his statement by telling Red that, if he ripped off Dr. Mario's head mirror and managed to prove Dr. Mario and Mario were the same person, he would indeed suspend Mario from Smash Bros. for life. The show went off the air, with Red still screaming at Master Hand on the stage as Dr. Mario celebrated with the jubilant fans.
For his part, Dr. Mario addressed the accusation that he and Mario were one and the same in an interview for the Smash Bros. Dojo!! website, stating:
I wanna address the rumors of me being this-a-"Super Mario". First, let me say I know-a-Super Mario very well. We've been longtime friends. As for us-a-looking the same, well, what can I say? Handsomeness isn't a crime, is it? And yes, we fight quite similarly, but that's simply because we-a-train together! But you'll notice me and-a-him, we got a few subtle differences. We both Jump high, that's for sure, but he jumps just a little bit higher than me. He swings the cape to turn others around? Well I use-a-my coat. He throws the Fireball while I throw the Megavitamin. Finally, he uses the F.L.U.D.D. to push other fighters away, while I use the Dr. Tornado to send them-a-flying. You see, we fight similarly on the surface, but we're really quite different. Yahoo!
In the eyes of this viewer, I have to agree with Master Hand. While, yes, Dr. Mario and Mario look almost identical and they may use very similar fighting styles, if Dr. Mario has different documentation than Mario does, I would hate to see a promising new fighter undone with circumstantial evidence. At the same time, I agree that, if Red should prove that Dr. Mario and Mario are indeed the same person, then, as much as it pains me to say, even though I disagree with how Mario was defeated, the fact is a contract is a contract. And if Dr. Mario is indeed Mario, then Mario must be permanently banned from Smash Bros. for the sake of Smash Bros.'s integrity.
Written by: Roslind Bush (talk)
Unclogged Plaza Pipe Reveals Strange Ruin Secrets
Last month, scientific researchers of the Archaeological Society of New Wikisburg (ASNW) uncovered an ancient Warp Pipe in the sewer levels of Pipe Plaza. The pipe was discovered behind a foundation of brick blocks, having likely been covered when renovations occurred in the sewer system five years ago. This discovery was remarkable enough, though it also gave rise to new questions. Particularly, it was unknown where this pipe was connected to, and a blockage within it prevented researchers from following its path.
The ASNW now has the answers to those questions. In a statement released yesterday to the press, the ASNW confirmed that they had succeeded in clearing out the pipe’s blockage, which was a build-up of some sort of dark goo. With this blockage removed, researchers were capable of reaching the other side of the pipe, and what they discovered seemed to mystify them.
In their statement, the ASNW made mention of a set of ruins, unlike any that could be easily identified by their archaeological studies. The ruins seemed to be made by a group or civilization unknown to the researchers. Whoever or whatever made these ruins, they noted, must have been technologically advanced, as several tools and sources of ancient power were among the spaces of the forgotten locale.
In a personal interview, ASNW member and archaeologist Kolorado had this to say about the discovery:
I say, old bean, this discovery is quite remarkable! It's not everyday we uncover a heretofore unknown civilization in our digs, eh wot? The treasures and cultural discoveries within are fascinating. I cannot wait to press on further with our expedition, and I do say I hope that we shall be able to exhibit some of these artifacts to the general public very soon. Simply smashing indeed!
Though researchers are currently cautioning the public to stay away from the ruins, due to the technology’s volatile nature, no efforts have been currently made to restrict who has access to the Warp Pipe. It is assumed that the ASNW is waiting for confirmation from the Royal Toadstool family before work begins to register the ruins as an archaeological research grounds. For now, however, civilians seem satisfied in allowing the ASNW to conduct their investigation further.
Stay tuned for more updates as they are certain to arise in the future.
Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents
Written by: The Shoe (talk) and Time (talk) Advertising Conglomerate
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Princess' Pardon Sparks Debate
The controversial case of Nabbit has finally come to a close. The masked, elusive thief, Nabbit, who for years eluded police, committing hundreds of break-ins and petty robberies throughout Toad Town, had for the better part of the year been in legal limbo following his apprehension after helping Luigi, along with Ala-Gold and Bucken-Berry, successfully rescue Princess Peach. Nabbit peacefully surrendered to authorities following a party held in the group's honor. Nabbit, who has since stated he aided Luigi out of both a "sense of patriotism" and "the hopes of a reward", has been designated a special class of prisoner, and, partially as thanks for his heroics, Nabbit was not housed in a regular prison. Rather, because of his unique status and thanks to a generous offer from Luigi to watch over him, the bunny-themed thief has been held in home confinement in Luigi's Mansion. A committee led by the Ministry of Justice had been convened to decide the status of Nabbit, but- in a surprise announcement- Princess Peach, through her spokesman Toadsworth (and with the acknowledged support of the Mushroom King), announced a full pardon of Nabbit effective immediately. The following statement was sent to The 'Shroom from the office of Toadsworth:
Under normal circumstances, the monarchy would not interrupt the Justice Ministry's work, but the Royal Family feels these are not normal circumstances. We feel that Nabbit presents a unique set of circumstances that require decisive action. Because of this, Princess Peach has decided that, although Nabbit's crimes are inexcusable, Nabbit's bravery in risking his life to help Luigi defeat the evil King Bowser, as well as risking his personal freedom in doing so, although his crimes were many, his help in saving the kingdom far outweighs them. Therefore, she has agreed to issue a full pardon of Nabbit for all crimes he may have committed, effective immediately. In addition, Nabbit will be given a small monetary award of 100 Coins as a thank you. Finally, through both the cooperation of the Chancellor as well as His Majesty the King, a special state-run fund will be created to reimburse verified victims of Nabbit's thefts. While we acknowledge some may disagree with these decisions, we feel that these are the best measures to protect the victims of Nabbit while also rewarding Nabbit for his honorable efforts.
The status of Nabbit, as well as the pardon announcement, has sparked intense debate from both the press and government, who have argued both for and against Nabbit. Supporters of Nabbit have argued that, while Nabbit has made a career of being a criminal, his crimes were, for the most part, non-violent by nature. They note that Nabbit, whether out of concern or necessity, caused almost no property damage during his heists. Instead, Nabbit relied on his admitted expert lockpicking skills to infiltrate locked houses. They also point out that, while Nabbit has admitted to a few bump and run robberies, there are no charges related to any violence pending before the court; rather, they are all of monetary nature. His supporters, chief among them notable Toad Town intellectual Russ T., have argued that, because his crimes were monetary in nature and because Nabbit showed bravery and courage heroically helping in the rescue of our beloved Princess, despite knowing he would probably be caught, that it serves the public no good for Nabbit to be locked up for his crimes and that, instead, Nabbit should be given a full pardon.
On the other hand, opponents of the pardoning of Nabbit have argued just the opposite. For them, the fact that Nabbit has flouted the law for so long cannot be ignored. Proponents of a law-and-order-based approach have instead argued that, while, yes, it's true Nabbit did act heroically in serving his country and helping defeat Bowser, that does not wipe out the fact that he had spent his life blatantly committing crimes for his personal gain. They reject the idea that Nabbit should be let off the hook completely, arguing that, in doing so, the government made the rule of law weaker. Despite spending his life committing robberies, Nabbit never spent a day in a cell, instead being confined to a luxurious mansion, and that he will never be brought to justice for the many crimes he has committed, factors which opponents of the pardon see as weakening the law.
For their reactions, as well as their opinions on Nabbit's controversial pardon, we turn to longtime political correspondents, Hooded Pitohui and Shoey.
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As much as it breaks my heart to say this, I'm afraid I must completely disagree with the princess' and, by extension, His Majesty the King's decision. I commend Nabbit for serving his country and saving the princess from the clutches of the dreaded Bowser, something all good-hearted Toads, Yoshis, and plumbers should applaud. I even agree that, in light of his heroics, a certain amount of leniency was in order. But that leniency should have been in the form of either charges being dropped, or years being shaved off his sentence due to the unique circumstances. But a full pardon? I find it truly disgraceful. One must remember the old adage that "a good act does not wash out the bad, nor the bad a good". What I mean is, for years, Nabbit has remorselessly broken the laws, stealing thousands of Coins' worth of Power-Ups, prized belongings, and, yes, Coins. Is this the behavior we should reward? Yes, he's a hero, and, yes, he deserves the praise he has gotten for his actions, but I worry the praise is getting out of hand! It feels like people are using the fact that he was a thief as part of Nabbit's charm, presenting him as the heroic thief who saved the Mushroom Kingdom. Which, yes, that is what he is, but we must not forget the "thief" part of that description. For years, Nabbit was nothing but a thieving rogue who stole whatever he could get his hands on. Is the monarchy prepared to tell his victims that his actions, in effect, had no consequences? That years of law breaking can be ignored? What message does it send to law-abiding citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom that Nabbit will suffer no consequences from his years of thieving? I am not denying that Nabbit is a hero, but I cannot ignore the fact that he is also a thief. He should have been given a reward for his actions, that is true, but it should have come as a sentence reduction. It should not have been a pardon that completely erases the crimes he's committed. |
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Frankly, Shoe, my thoughts echo those of Russ T., through and through. What benefit is there to the public to lock Nabbit up, whether in a state facility or through a special arrangement like an extension of his confinement in Luigi's Mansion? There is absolutely no benefit, I tell you. What will the law-abiding citizens of the kingdom think of this, you ask? They'll think nothing of it, because the vast majority of them know that, if they ever were to turn to thievery, they would not be the ones to rise up to save the kingdom in its hour of need. I trust in the intelligence of our kingdom's residents, and so I trust that they can recognize there are special circumstances here and, thus, will not see this as a blank check to commit crimes. Indeed, there's not only no benefit, but to house Nabbit in prison, or even to send him through the courts, would come at considerable cost to the taxpayers of this kingdom. To not go through with this pardon would bring no benefit to the public, but would actively divert resources from them! "But the compensation fund that has been set up is already costing tax Coins," I hear you say, to which I say that it is at least contributing to making people whole once again. What good would marshaling Nabbit into a courtroom and putting him behind bars do? Will it make those who have had their valuables stolen in the past feel better? Maybe, but there will be no substantial change to their situation beyond that. Nabbit will be worse off, losing years of his life, and they will be worse off, deprived of their valuables. With a pardon, Nabbit will prosper, and with this compensation fund, those who have been affected by his crimes will at least have the financial resources to begin to make themselves whole once again. We must not let a thirst for vengeance and a principle of "pain for pain" cloud our judgement here. Nabbit, those affected by his thieving, and the Mushroom Kingdom at large are better off as a result of this pardon, and the princess and His Majesty have made a wise decision. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Shy Guy on Wheels, Hooded Pitohui, and TPG
Dear Waluigi Time,
I've been having a bit of an issue recently. You see, this may sound weird, but there's three Italian men living in my back garden. They all wear a red shirt and cap, blue overalls, have a moustache and are claiming to be the "Real Mario". There is absolutely nothing to distinguish them either, their faces are exactly the same, they speak in the same faux-Italian accent, and keep on jumping everywhere (the grass is almost completely gone by this point). This all started a few nights ago when one of them knocked on my door and asked to stay for the night, I, of course, let him because I love Mario, and didn't think anyone else would come along claiming to be the "Real Mario", but since then a new Mario has arrived at my door every night, and I've let them all in. I'm worried another one is going to appear tonight!
Simply put, how do I resolve this situation? How do I figure out which Mario is the so-called "Real Mario"? What do I do with him? What do I do with the rest? And how do I stop more of them from arriving?
Sincerely, a fellow from a once average British household.
Hello! It's-a me, the real Mario! Can I-a stay at your-a house tonight?
Just kidding. First, you might want to consider the possibility that all of them are the real Mario! If he found a stash of Double Cherries, who knows how many identical Marios could be running around out there. Double Cherry clones are pretty fragile and easy to get rid of, though. Just punch them or something and watch them disappear into a poof of smoke until only the original is left! Although it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to have a backup plan in case they aren't actually Double Cherry clones and now you have a swarm of angry Marios in your house. Maybe have some spaghetti pre-cooked and ready to go.
If that's not an option, see if you can find any subtle differences between them like nose squishiness, mustache texture, or preference in Italian foods. There's got to be something to go off of... and if not, I wonder if it really matters which one is "real". Or maybe you can try to get them to fight amongst themselves to determine which one is real. If they won't do it on your own, start doing stuff to inconvenience them and blame one of the other ones to turn them against each other.
As for what to do with them, now's your chance to make money! They all asked to stay just for the night, right? Well obviously they've broken the terms of your agreement, so you should lawyer up and sue all of the Marios for everything they've got. If you don't want to deal with the legal system, then charge them rent for staying at your place instead. If you charge enough - or progressively increase it to absurd amounts - they might even leave on their own!
Finally, to prevent additional Marios, get rid of any Italian food, mushrooms, and princesses you may have in your house. As we all know, Marios are attracted to such things, so keep them far away to avoid additional unwanted wahoo-y guests.
Hopefully this helps, and you can say "bye-bye" to the swarm sooner rather than later!
Dear Waluigi Time,
I've been fixing to plant a garden where I bed down for years, and I finally tucked some seedlings into the soil 'bout four Sundays ago. They're growing up mighty fast and mighty fine, but, well, ah, there's no nice way to say it. A pig's settled down in the henhouse. The folks next door, they've been throwing empty soda cans over the fence and right on top of the little seedlings sprouting up. I reckon I need to go across the fence and sit for a spell with them to ask them to stop, but I don't want them feeling intimidated. What's the best way of getting them to stop with a gentle touch?
-F. G.
Well, I have to say your moral compass is probably better aligned than mine. If my neighbors were using my yard as a landfill, I'd be starting an all-out war! I'm sure I'd be able to get my ninja friend to help me out.
Oh yeah, "gentle touch", right. I think you should start out pretty subtle. If you just go over there right away, you might intimidate them, or accidentally say something rude. Instead, gather up all the soda cans and put them into a trash bag, then leave it at their front door! This should work as a subtle hint to signal to your neighbors that you don't want their garbage. You might even be doing them a favor! Maybe they actually still wanted those cans, and kept accidentally losing them over your fence.
But maybe they don't get the message, and they thought trash just materialized on their doorstep for no reason. If they're still doing it, you'll have to be a little more clear. Try making some sort of sign that hints at the proper methods for disposing of refuse. My suggestion is a graphic of a can and an arrow pointing into a trash bin, but it's your yard after all, so do whatever you think is the most appropriate.
If this more subtle approach doesn't work, then you need to move on to actively discouraging them from doing it. Try rigging up one of those motion-detecting Halloween decorations, so when they throw something over the fence, a hideous monstrosity pops up and makes scary noises at them! They should get the message pretty quick. Now, I know that ghouls and goblins aren't exactly in season at the moment, so if you don't already have one to work with, any second-hand retail website of your choosing should be a good place to get one.
And there you have it, you've solved the problem without any need for actual social interaction where any number of things can go wrong!
May your thumb be green and your plants be greener!
Hello Waluigi Time.
I followed your advice from last month. Me and my Son are now as one. However I no longer resemble me. This is because I accidentally destroyed my suit and I don't know how to get more clothes. I want to look like me again.
How could I replace my clothes so I can look like me again.
Thank you Waluigi Time.
- 2 Troubled Paternal Gentlemen.
See everyone? My advice was a success! I think. It seems like things worked out, anyway. That's why you should always send me questions. Anyway, happy to help a returning... customer?
So, you know clothing stores exist, right? You can just walk into one of them and if you find something you want, you give them the amount of money they're asking for and then you can take it home with you. It's pretty simple. Unfortunately, sometimes they won't have what you're looking for, and sometimes you won't have enough money.
If they don't have what you want, that's when you go to a tailor and get it custom-made! That's how I get all of mine. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get bright purple suits with coattails off the rack these days? It's like they don't even know I exist. You can have it look exactly how you want it to, and have it made in the perfect size. Since you seem to be having some trouble with flimsy material, might I suggest having your new suit made out of something more durable? A thin sheet of metal between the layers of fabric should be enough to keep your new suit from meeting an unfortunate fate.
If you don't have money, there's a lot of ways you can fix that. You could go get a job, walk around and look for money lying on the ground or floating in the sky, or borrow some from a friend! If you're good enough friends, you might not even need to ask before you borrow it!
If you have both problems, please reread the previous two paragraphs.
Enjoy the dapperness!
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page! Next month is our movie themed issue, so questions relating to movies or from film characters are especially welcome!
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
"Listen, bub. Here's the deal. I got a lot of money riding on this one... I need Grunt to lose."
"I think you made a bad decision, Grunt's the probably unbeatable champion!"
"You don't understand. I want you to fix the match."
"What are you going on about, I'm not gonna do that."
"Maybe I didn't make myself clear. Grunt loses, or you sleep with the Cheep Cheeps. Got it?"
"...Got it. I don't actually know how to do that."
"Huh?"
"Nothing."
Stupid little... Oh, whoops, mic's on. Haha, well, welcome back to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament where people think challenging someone who tanked a one-hit knockout move to the face is a good idea! I'm your host, Waluigi Time, here as always for your announcing needs. We've got an exciting match today, with the champion's belt up for grabs! That's right, you heard me. Someone thought it would be a good idea to challenge Grunt. Confidence or just stupidity? I'll leave that up to you!
Give a big hand to our champion! Making his third appearance in Smackdown, it's once again the Title-Holding Turtle, the Subjugating Shellshocker, GRUNT! Bobbleheads and other assorted merchandise are on sale right now!
It's been exactly a year as of this month since Grunt make his Smackdown debut, and since then he's decimated everyone in his way! Whether he's pounding doctors through the ring floor or shrugging off his opponents' attacks like it's nothing, this guy is a force to be reckoned with! Although, you probably shouldn't reckon with him. That's my advice.
Unless you have really good medical insurance.
But even if you did I still wouldn't advise that...
Anyway, I'm losing focus! For those unaware, the champ's gimmick is muscle, and he's got it in spades! He can pound just about anyone into a pulp, he lifts weights with his mouth, and his tough exterior allows him to take hits in a way that makes it look like his opponent's just throwing marshmallows at him. Like most Koopas, he can also duck into his shell for extra protection from those really devastating attacks.
And now for our challenger! Give your condolences to the Chaotic Clown, the Ultimate Showstopper, DIMENTIO!
If you know about Dimentio, you may be wondering how he's even here. Don't question it! This master of magic has a bunch of tricks up his, uh... I don't think he has sleeves. You know what I mean though. He can flip between dimensions, teleport, conjure up false clones of himself, throw weird shuriken things, and create magic force fields that explode a lot! He can also levitate, but that's not as interesting, I guess. He also has his own personal dimension which boosts his own power, but it's useless because it boosts everyone else's power too, and also we're not even using it in this match so I don't know why I mentioned it.
For some pre-match commentary, let's go down to our favorite generic mushroom man, Toad!
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"Thank you Waluigi Time. I'm here with Grunt's manager, Colonel Shoey O'Dell. Colonel, Grunt has faced off against physicians, star athletes, mechanical warlords, princes, and fearsome pirates and come out on top every time. But tonight Colonel, you face the first test of Grunt’s young reign. Tonight in our main event with the title on the line, Grunt will face off against Dimentio, the self proclaimed King of Tricks, the Charming Magician, the Master of Dimensions. Tell me Colonel, how do you and Grunt plan on neutralizing Dimentio's magic?" |
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"First off Toad, I'd like to compliment this Dimentio. Clearly he's the best jester in the business. Why, him thinking he's got any chance of taking that title off Grunt is the funniest joke I've ever heard. To think that little pipsqueak thinks he's even got a chance against Grunt. Let me tell you something Toad. Dimentio, he calls himself the King of Tricks, and he's sure right about that. But the problem is it don't matter how many tricks he's got up his sleeve, it's gonna take an awful lot more than some parlor tricks to stop Grunt. Now I'll be the first to admit that of all the children's birthday party magicians he might be the most impressive ever seen. That clone technique of his might be enough to confuse lesser fighters. But the problem he's gonna run into is it don't matter if there's 2, 4, 6, or even 8 of him, all that's gonna do is give Grunt more targets to smash. Those little shurikens of his, they might be sharp, but they ain't got a chance of penetrating Grunt's mighty shell." |
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"But what about his dreaded Dimensional Flip technique? How can Grunt hope to counter such a disorienting attack?" |
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"Well you see Toad, the way I see it, it's like this. Dimentio wants to try and take the fight to the third dimension. All it's gonna do is give the audience a better view of Grunt bashing Dimentio. The fact is Dimentio can try all the parlor tricks and magic spells, but it don't matter because there ain't a fighter alive that can take on Grunt. Grunt, 8 foot 5, 450 pounds of sheer Koopa power. The man of the hour, the man with the power, too sweet to be sour. He's gonna walk into that arena the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown Champion, and you better believe he's gonna leave that arena as the Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown Champion." |
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"Well, there you have it. Back to you, Waluigi Time!" |
Thanks Toad. I'm sure you're all excited, so let's not delay things any further! Let the battle for the champion's belt commence, it's showtime!
Starting off the match, Dimentio conjures up one of those shuriken things and hurls it down at Grunt! In a brilliant display of no respect whatsoever, Grunt simply reaches out and crushes the shuriken thing in his fist. Right off the bat, Grunt's already shown that the main offensive weapon in Dimentio's arsenal is practically worthless against him! That's not good for the jester, and maybe me. Grunt stops toward Dimentio, undoubtedly preparing to land a devastating blow, but Dimentio teleports around and throws a shuriken doohickey at him from behind! It shatters on contact with his shell, doing nothing! If he could get a direct hit to the face, that could potentially do something, but I doubt Grunt's going to let that happen. Besides, getting directly in front of him isn't a risk I'd be willing to take!
Grunt turns around to face Dimentio, and the magician takes the opportunity to clone himself, taking on Grunt from front and back! Both of them throw a shuriken ball at him, and Grunt punches the one in front back to Dimentio while his shell covers the one in back! Grunt finally gets his first attack off on Dimentio, grabbing him by the leg and slamming him through the clone onto the floor! The poor jester gets whacked against the ring several more times like a bear doing a forward smash before Grunt finally lets go and tosses him away, sending him tumbling across the ring floor! Ouch.
In an effort to recover, Dimentio gets back up and flips into the third dimension! Unfortunately, Grunt is very third-dimensional and a punch to the face sends Dimentio back down to the ground. He's certainly getting a clown made out of him today! In what may very well be a last-ditch effort, Dimentio snaps his fingers, encasing Grunt inside of a magic box! Grunt gets angry and attempts to punch his way out of it, but it would appear fists are no match for magical barriers, unfortunately for him. With another snap of the jester's fingers, the box starts exploding from the inside! I can't see what's happening in there! Is this Dimentio's big comeback moment? The box disappears and Grunt's shell flies out from the explosions and lands right on Dimentio! Grunt emerges, a bit charred but apparently not too hurt, and strikes a pose while standing on top of Dimentio!
Grunt just can't be stopped, but Dimentio won't give up yet and teleports to the other side of the ring! And he pulls out... the Chaos Heart?!?! Excuse me? Where's the rulebook, I had to have thought of this-
FWOOM
...
...
...
*cough* Uh, hello? I'm seeing a whole lot of nothing out here... Well, Dimentio is still here, floating as triumphantly as you can when you've been beaten within an inch of unconsciousness, so I guess he- wait a minute, there he is! Grunt emerges from what used to be the concession stand! Not even ending the world can defeat him! Uh, but I guess since the ring is gone, then that means both fighters are out of the ring at the same time, which is a disqualification... How about we just call that a draw, as one-sided as it was? Despite Dimentio's best efforts, Grunt remains the undefeated champion! And let's be honest, Grunt would've won any- okay he's beating up Dimentio again. I guess it's just for fun now.
I guess I'll have to figure out how to un-end the world now. Definitely banning that one once we get things straightened out. Well, if anyone's out there - I don't actually see the audience - be sure to send us your suggestions for who should be in the next match!
How do I keep getting myself into these situations...
Hello again everyone. Now, I understand there’s been a lot of concern recently over the status of the TV Tomorrow 2023 World Tour. If you hadn’t heard, every single show I was due to perform was abruptly cancelled last month by the respective venues, with the exception of my gig in Bielefeld, which was abruptly cancelled when it turned out that the venue didn’t exist and neither did the town. Obviously, since I don’t use social media, the only way I am able to communicate information to my fans is through these monthly articles, so I apologise for having left you in the dark for the last three weeks. But basically, the shows were cancelled for a variety of reasons, from ‘extreme lack of public interest’ to ‘terrible press reviews’ to ‘ticket sales so bad that we’ve gone bankrupt’ - all silly jargon and weasel words, of course, but you can’t fight the venues. (Seriously. I’ve tried. They are very good at self-defence.)
I know this must be very disappointing, but just to reassure you all, I am committed to ensuring the tour can resume. I’m working on booking more gigs as I write this, and I can’t wait to get back on the road, because I’ve been living out of my tour bus for the last three weeks, and I’m worried they’ll notice any day now that it’s illegally parked. And also because it’s a skateboard.
Anyway, I’ve just remembered that I have to actually write about television at some point in this article. So here they are - the top three shows of tomorrow which you would’ve heard me discuss live if the booking people at the Katuaq Cultural Centre weren’t such bitches!
New: The Temple of Lost Songs
MKBC2, 8pm
Genre: Musical comedy
Deep in the ancient Diminuendo Desert there is said to be a crumbling yet sacred temple, The Temple of Lost Songs, containing an archive of the long-forgotten music of a mysterious ancient order of bards, many of which are said to have magical effects. That’s this show’s intriguing premise - but this is no adventure drama but a silly, frantic comedy, an adaptation of the sellout Toadway musical. The original cast returns, led by celebrated origami singer Olivia, who plays the leader of a group of ambitious musicians setting out on a journey to recover the lost songs. It’s a fun-filled, joyful, endlessly absurd romp, and the songs are all catchy, witty, and well-staged. A very successful transition from stage to screen.
Kamek’d
Party Channel, 10pm
Genre: Prank show
One of the Party Channel’s longest-running and highest-rated shows, Kamek’d is a prank show with a magical twist; see, when you have a vast array of magic powers at your disposal as Kamek does, it’s much easier to pull off elaborate pranks. Though sometimes controversial for its oftentimes mean-spirited humour, Kamek’d nonetheless manages to be consistently amusing, especially thanks to Kamek’s recent tendency towards pranking celebrities. Highlights from tomorrow’s episode include turning a fire hydrant into a Fire Snake, making the Mushroom Bridge disappear and subsequently causing a number of traffic accidents, and giving Bowser a hilarious squeaky voice.
Surf’s Down: The Truth About Big Daddy
MKBC3, 11pm
Genre: Investigative documentary
This controversial documentary by young independent Pianta filmmaking duo Pia & Ant dives deep into the dark underworld of competitive Blooper surf racing. The critical focus of their investigative sniper-bullet is Big Daddy, the race promoter, generally well-liked by the public for his affable personality - but he has also been accused of hideous corruption, and has ties to some of Ricco Harbour’s most notorious and violent gangs. Pia & Ant bravely thrust themselves into the heart of this, putting their lives at risk to get some genuinely chilling and contentious interviews as they unravel Big Daddy’s dark secrets. A documentary with the power to bring down a whole industry - if only it hadn’t been relegated to an 11pm MKBC3 spot. Make of that what you will.
That’s all for May’s TV Tomorrow! And I’m in a much brighter mood now, because while I was writing I got an email confirming an upcoming gig! The tour is back on! And I’m happy to now be able to announce that in June, I will be performing a show at the Violet Gamma Cinema Complex! Just pop on down to this wonderful little small-town cinema in somewhere or other, buy a big box of popcorn, and come and watch me in front of the big silver screen. Now that’s what I call stardom. Looking forward to seeing you all there in June, where you can watch the spoken-word version of the print edition of June’s TV Tomorrow. Until then!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 194 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
