The 'Shroom:Issue 206/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! Did you come here looking for new editions of your favorite sections? Well, we just May have them here for you! This month is pretty much business as usual, we've got all our usual sections with tropical getaways, ancient ruins, fish dishes, time travel shenanigans, Koopa dating shows, squabbling over the names of things, and more! See how much fun we have here?
If you missed Staff Notes (you really should read it, important stuff is in there), the Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door summer special which was originally going to happen next month has been pushed back to July to allow for additional working time. In the meantime, you can look forward to voting in the Mario Awards next month, and maybe even signing up for presentations!
Are you interested in joining the Fake News team? We're always eager to have new writers, so if you'd like to join, check out the sign up page to learn everything you need to know about getting a new section started! Or you can privately send me a one-off submission for sections like News Flush if you have an idea you want to put in the paper without committing to a full section.
Section of the Month
TheBlueCatMenace takes a strong first place with last month's edition of The Sunshine Travel Guide, taking the time to show us the ins and outs of the Sparkle Theater! Or at least from the notes the Sunshine Travel Agency was able to recover, anyway. Coming in second place, Quizmelon (talk) covered mostly machinery-based programming with a side of funk in TV Tomorrow! Finally, in a close third, we have our newcomer Boo1268 with The Spectral Lens, diving into the history of the Bob-omb War! Be sure to keep supporting this great team with your votes, and feel free to send a Poochy's Picks nomination our way if you want to give a section some extra recognition!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 18 | 39.13% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 6 | 13.04% | Quizmelon (talk) |
| 3rd | The Spectral Lens | 5 | 10.87% | Boo1268 |
Well the publishers are on my back again, and apparently I'm still not doing enough to 'incentivise readership'. They've threatened to pull the plug on my television review career, and also quite literally on my television. So, with the help of a handy Goomba marketing expert I hired off the Internet, I'm launching the brand new TV Tomorrow Readership Loyalty Scheme, to reward my most dedicated readers! That's right, from now on, if you read three consecutive TV Tomorrow articles, you'll get a fourth one, completely free of charge, the following month. Plus, signing up to the TV Tomorrow Readership Loyalty Scheme grants you a free TV Tomorrow Readership Loyalty Scheme Loyalty Card, on which you can earn points for frequently reading certain words and letters - and everybody loves points, right? The more points you earn, the better you'll feel about yourself, and the more incentivised you will be to keep reading TV Tomorrow. And now, my loyal followers, plead your continued loyalty to my writing, and earn hundreds of points, with this week's top three in TV!
New: The Dazzling Deductions of Dr. Dario Dalrymple
MKBC1, 8pm
Genre: Historical detective comedy
Based on the very popular Dr. Dario Dalrymple books by celebrated Bonneter author Victoria Nlondon, this light-hearted detective series stars Mario as the title character, a physician and dapper society gentleman who also happens to have one of the greatest deductive minds in the whole city of Bonneton. Partnered with his trusty Bonneter companion Cappington Esq., Dr. Dario solves all manner of grisly (albeit still PG) murders, including tomorrow's opener where he tracks down a killer milliner (a killiner, if you will). Beautifully stylised, crackling with energetic wit, and with a stellar performance in the title role, this series does excellent justice to the original mysteries and promises to introduce a whole new audience to the original works. Solid family viewing.
Wendy Moment is Right
Koopa Troop TV, 9pm
Genre: Dating reality show
Ignore the terrible title for a moment (it doesn't work at all, does it?) - this is effectively just Koopa Troop TV's equivalent of the Bachelorette, starring Wendy O. Koopa as the eligible female with a range of Koopa suitors to choose from. After spending years as one of Bowser's chief henchturtles, Wendy O. is finally looking to settle down, and has decided the most reasonable way to do this is through the medium of an elaborately selective and publicly broadcast process. It's trashy TV, yeah, but entertaining nonetheless, and besides this is the only dating show where receiving a ring means you're eliminated, and also injured, by Wendy's deadly magical rings. We're halfway through the series now, and a frontrunner has emerged, a Fire Bro who is one of the few remaining suitors to still actually want to date Wendy having seen firsthand her arrogance and tendency towards spirited violence. But will the two hit it off on a volcano date?
Film: The Thousand-Year Door (Remake)
MKBC2, 8pm
Genre: Adventure film remake
One of the biggest cult hits of Mushroom Kingdom cinema twenty years ago was the adventure film The Thousand-Year Door. Centred around the story of a mysterious door found in the tunnels beneath a seedy port city, it was highly popular for its gripping plot, compelling characters, comic style, and cinematic craftsmanship, and has become a cultural touchstone. Looking to capitalise on the financial potential of this popularity, the studio behind the film have produced a remake, following the original plot closely (so as not to risk angering the film's diehard fans) but with new filming techniques and high-definition quality. After receiving good enough reviews from its wide release a few months ago, tomorrow marks the remake's television debut on MKBC2; a must-watch for fans of the original who didn't catch it in cinemas, even if they ultimately find it just slightly inferior.
Ah, loyal readers, does it not feel good to be rewarded for your loyalty? Does it not follow that Loyalty = Royalty? And if you are still unconvinced to be so dedicated to my column - my live-updated data seems to suggest that some people are still only reading every other word or letter and therefore accumulating pitiful numbers of points - let me provide one extra incentive; whoever gains the most points on their TV Tomorrow Readership Loyalty Scheme Loyalty Card this month will receive free, unrestricted access to next month's TV Tomorrow. Of course, all other readers will also get this, seeing as the model of the 'Shroom is to be free and unrestricted, but what these poor disloyal souls will lack is precious, precious points. Oh, what lovely points. Read these words and receive your wonderful points, you lovely loyal royal reader. And you'll be able to continue showing your loyalty (and receive even more points) in next month's edition of TV Tomorrow, coming to you in June!
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Boo1268, MightyMario, and SONIC123CDMANIA+&K(B&ATSA)
To Waluigi Time,
Do you know of any gluten free meals a ghost might enjoy?
Sincerely, Boo1268
Everything.
No, seriously. Everything. Because I have a brand new invention that will probably destroy the entire gluten-free industry, but it'll make me a lot of money, improve quality of life for a lot of people, and make me a lot of money, so I think it's worth it. (If you have stocks in gluten-free products, sell now while you still can!) Introducing the Gluten Absorption Apparatus (patent pending)! Imagine this. There's perfectly good food, and you want to eat it, but oh no, gluten! Wouldn't it be great if you could just extract all that pesky gluten and enjoy? Well now, you can! Just apply the Gluten Absorption Apparatus to the food for about 15 seconds, and voila, now anything can be gluten-free! From there, it's all a matter of personal taste.
So, full disclosure, the last time I outsourced new product testing to people who asked me questions it ended... poorly. I don't think that will happen this time, though. Probably. It's basically just a sponge, how much harm could it possibly cause? So, how about it? I'll send you a prototype for free if you agree to test it out and promote it on various platforms (positive opinions only)!
Wait... Do ghosts even have taste buds?
Dear Waluigi Time,
Cayde and I are getting married! What location would be best suited for our wedding where nothing can go wrong? (And I mean absolutely NOTHING can go wrong at our wedding…)
-Zerris
Congratulations! Let me just consult my list of locations where things have already gone horribly wrong at least once... Wow, that's longer than I thought.
Okay, checking my list, I can offer you the Waluigi Time Amusement Park! The only thing that's gone horribly wrong there is the operating costs to profit ratio! So far, anyway. You can have a very nice ceremony on... the ferris wheel? Or uh, how do you feel about a haunted house? On the spinning bowls, maybe? Okay, it's not really set up for weddings, but we can at least supply the musical entertainment if you don't mind robotic cover bands. I'll even give you a big discount if you invite me and let me have a big piece of cake! I can't shut out the rest of the crowds for the day, though. Like I said, operating costs.
Although, they do say lightning never strikes twice, so I could be going about this all wrong! Does that apply if the lightning is only metaphorical, though? Hm... I think Peach's Castle might disprove that theory.
If you don't like that for some reason, how about just doing a courthouse wedding and eliminate all but the bare minimum of details! Makes it pretty hard for things to go wrong when there's barely anything that could go wrong in the first place, right? Plus, you save a ton of money and then you can use it for fun things like a trip to the Waluigi Time Amusement Park! (I'm serious, it's been open for almost two years and I'm still yet to convince Shbeeg that it's a good investment, please visit...)
Dear Waluigi Time,
Thanks for the answer! Surprisingly, Pizzaface didn't come back! Apparently the money in this tower is held by toppins. I don't know where the big group of people went, I assume they are in here as well. I've tried looking for "mustachioed Italians" like you said, but nothing YET. The portal disappeared as soon as I went through, so I couldn't just go back through. Plus, I don't want my house to blow up. The first open door I saw led to somewhere called "Tutorial". Upon completing it, I saw something that said "Lap portals unlocked". I think I'm going crazy! Laps!? And it didn't say which lap, so I assume all of them, but that's impossible! I thought I saw "mustachioed Italian" by this "boss gate", but nothing. It's open, but I don't want to go in without experience. Please help me with this.
SONIC123CDMANIA+&K(B&ATSA)
P.S. Thank you again for the anwser! It was a lot of help! Though I'm not allergic to pizza. Surprisingly, there's enough food here for me to survive a long time! Plus drinks!
P.P.S. I liked the picture of you with the Noise! How did you get that?
Ah, a repeat customer! My advice was so great you came back for more, eh? Although I would've appreciated it if a pizza was sent along with the second question... Probably an oversight, I'm sure.
Now that you have access to laps, you're going to need a vehicle! I mean, really, who wants to run on foot? You realize how fast your shoes are going to wear out like that? So, yeah, vehicle or bust. You may or may not be able to just find an abandoned one lying around, or you can try building your own with machinery scrap. If you're really desperate, you could just put one under new ownership, if you get what I'm saying, but I don't know what that dimension's laws regarding grand theft auto are, so do so only at your own peril! You'll also need fuel or some other power source.
With a working vehicle, you can lap those laps until they've been lapped all day! This will get you some of that much-needed "experience". Once you feel comfortable enough dealing with the small-time baddies you'll most likely encounter, then you can check out that boss gate! Keep in mind that you do have a fully controllable and fast-moving battering ram at your disposal now. You probably don't even need any Italian assistance at this point! Although, you might want to wait to make sure that boss refers to big scary thing that will try to beat you up and not, you know, the boss of a business or something. Not that those are mutually exclusive, but you don't want to run over just a normal guy who wasn't going to cause you any problems anyway! Or maybe you do, I don't know what your moral code is. I'm not judging.
If it sounds like I don't know what I'm talking about, it's probably because I don't. Good luck out there!
P.S. The paintbrush is a mighty tool.
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Yar, welcome, ladies, gents an' wee nippers o' all ages! I be ClawgripFan9001, comin' at ye live from The 'Shroom HQ's very own Cookin' Guide studio! Ye can prob'bly guess from me bein' 'ere what's goin' ta 'appen in this month's Cookin' Guide, but I'll tell ye anyway: I'm gonna be teachin' ye 'ow ta make this month's dish meself! An' it just so 'appens that this month's dish is goin' ta be a delight fer any Mushroom World inhabitants that 'appen ta 'ave an affection fer seafood, 'cause this month, we'll be learnin' 'ow ta make Cheep Wellington! An' fer the animal rights activists who be readin' this section, aye, the Cheep Cheep we'll be usin' fer this Cheep Wellington was caught fair trade and was prepared fer consumption in an animal friendly manner. Aye, so with that wee disclaimer outta the way, lemme tell ye 'ow ta make Cheep Wellington!
"So, fer Cheep Wellington, yer gonna need the followin' ingredients: A side o' skinned Cheep Cheep, 'bout nine-'undred grams, a wee bit o' olive oil, sixty grams o' softened, unsalted butter, some 'erb butter, finely grated zest o' one lemon, a generous 'andful o' Turtley Leaves, a small 'andful o' Super Leaves, sea salt, freshly ground black pepper, a tablespoon o' wholegrain mustard, five-'undred grams o' shortcrust pastry, plain flour ta dust, one beaten egg yolk, 'ollandaise sauce, new potatoes an' broccoli." ClawgripFan9001 explained to the readers as he pulled out the ingredients needed for the dish one by one and placed them down on his table.
"Now, fer the cookin' instructions. Check the Cheep Cheep fer pin bones, removin' any that ye find with tweezers, then cut it in 'alf. Next, line a bakin' tray with a lightly oiled piece o' foil. Then, mix the softened butter with the lemon zest, Turtley Leaves, Super Leaves an' some salt an' pepper in a bowl so ye can make the fillin'. Pat the Cheep Cheep filets dry with kitchen paper, then lightly season 'em with salt an' pepper. Spread some 'erb butter o'er one filet, specifically the boned side while spreadin' the mustard evenly on the other filet. Sandwich the two pieces o' filet together in opposite directions so that both ends be o' an even thickness." ClawgripFan9001 continued to explain as he carried out the cooking instructions one by one while his on air crew looked at each other with a concerned look before looking back at their Sidestepper chef, clearly not having much faith in him.
"Followin' this, roll out the pastry thinly on a floured surface ta the shape o' a rectangle an' the thickness o' a Gold Coin so that it be large enough ta enclose the Cheep Cheep. Proceed ta put the Cheep Cheep parcel in the center o' the pastry an' brush its surroundings with egg. Bring up the edges o' the pastry an' trim off any excess ye may find b'fore tuckin' it in an' foldin' the rest o' the pastry o'er ta give it the shape o' a neat parcel. Ye may then carefully turn the darn thing o'er so that the seam be underneath, then proceed ta put it on the prepared bakin' tray." ClawgripFan9001 continued to speak to the readers while simultaneously carrying out the cooking instructions.
"Say, does The 'Shroom HQ have fire insurance in case ClawgripFan burns the whole place down with this stunt?" One of the stage interns, who happened to be a dark skinned human male in his early twenties with spiky black hair, blue eyes while wearing a black t-shirt, blue jeans and black trainers asked the stage manager, who happened to be an anthropomorphic kitsune with tan fur and squinting eyes wearing a dark blue cap on his head.
"We used to, but since Shoey and Meta Knight took office as Director and Sub-Director respectively, they forgot to renew it, which means that if ClawgripFan does end up burning the place down, we're good as doomed." The stage manager responded, causing the intern's eyes to widen in fear and gulp.
"Oh no…" The intern whispered in utter horror as him and the stage manager continued to look at ClawgripFan9001 go on with the show.
"Now that we've gotten that outta the way, it's time ta brush the pastry with beaten egg. Then yer gonna lightly score either a herringbone or cross-hatch pattern into the pastry usin' a knife. Sprinkle salt an' pepper o'er it, cover it loosely an' let it sit fer 'bout fifteen minutes. In the meantime, ye wanna 'eat the oven ta two-'undred degrees Celsius or four-'undred degrees Fahrenheit, or gas mark six." ClawgripFan9001 explained as he proceeded to heat the oven.
"After that, ye must bake the Cheep Cheep fer 2.25 minutes 'till the pastry be golden brown an' crisp. Ta test if it be ready, ye might wanna put a skewer in the middle o' the Cheep Cheep. It should feel warm fer medium cooked fish types, an' pipin' 'ot fer well done cooked fish types." ClawgripFan9001 continued to speak as he baked the thing before taking it out of the oven.
"Finally, rest the Cheep Cheep fer 'bout five minutes, then cut it into portions usin' a serrated knife. Apply the 'ollandaise sauce, new potatoes an' broccoli, an' ye be good ta go." ClawgripFan9001 concluded as he put a plate of Cheep Wellington on the table as the crew applauded his efforts.
"Yar, thank ye, thank ye. Now I need someone ta taste this dish fer me. Oi, intern! Get o'er 'ere an' taste this dish, will ye?" ClawgripFan9001 pointed at the human intern from before, who proceeded to walk onto the stage and took out a knife and fork as he began eating the Cheep Wellington.
"Well, what do ye think?" ClawgripFan9001 asked the intern.
"Man, this is really delicious! Can I have the entire dish?" The intern asked ClawgripFan9001.
"Yar, ye can! It be there fer eatin'!" ClawgripFan9001 beamed.
"Woohoo!" The intern cheered as he continued eating the Cheep Wellington.
So this be everythin' ye need ta make a Cheep Wellington!
Ingredients
- Nine-'undred grams o' skinned Cheep Cheep
- A wee bit o' olive oil
- Sixty grams o' softened, unsalted butter
- 'Erb butter
- Finely grated zest o' one lemon
- A generous 'andful o' Turtley Leaves
- A small 'andful o' Super Leaves
- Sea salt
- Freshly ground pepper
- A tablespoon o' wholegrain mustard
- Five-'undred grams o' shortcrust pastry
- Plain flour ta dust
- A beaten egg yolk
- 'Ollandaise sauce
- New potatoes
- Broccoli
Appliances
- Tweezers
- A baking tray
- Foil
- A bowl
- Kitchen paper
- A brush
- A regular knife
- An oven
- A skewer
- A serrated knife
Instructions
- Check the Cheep Cheep fer pin bones, an' remove 'em with the tweezers, then cut it in 'alf.
- Line the bakin' tray with foil, which be lightly oiled.
- Mix the softened butter with the lemon zest, Turtley Leaves, Super Leaves, salt an' pepper in the bowl ta make the fillin'.
- Pat the Cheep Cheep filets dry with the kitchen paper an' lightly season 'em with salt an' pepper.
- Spread the 'erb butter o'er the boned side o' one filet an' spread the mustard evenly on the other filet.
- Sandwich the two pieces o' filet together in opposite directions so that both ends be o' an even thickness.
- Roll out the pastry thinly on a floured surface ta the shape o' a rectangle an' the thickness o' a Gold Coin so that it be large enough ta enclose the Cheep Cheep.
- Put the Cheep Cheep parcel in the center o' the pastry an' brush its surroundings with egg. Bring up the edges o' the pastry an' trim off the excess an tuck' it in an' fold the rest o' the pastry o'er ta give it the shape o' a neat parcel.
- Carefully turn the parcel o'er so the seam be underneath an' put it in the prepared bakin' tray.
- Brush the pastry with beaten egg. Score a herringbone or a cross-hatch pattern into the pastry with the regular knife. Sprinkle salt an' pepper o'er it an' let it sit fer fifteen minutes.
- 'Eat up the oven ta two-'undred degrees Celsius, four-'undred degrees Fahrenheit or gas mark six.
- Bake the Cheep Cheep fer 2.25 minutes 'till the pastry be golden brown an' crisp. Ta test if it be ready, put a skewer in the middle o' the Cheep Cheep. It should feel warm fer medium cooked fish types, an' pipin' 'ot fer well done cooked fish types.
- Rest the Cheep Cheep fer 'bout five minutes, then cut it into portions usin' the serrated knife. Apply the 'ollandaise sauce, new potatoes an' broccoli, an' ye be good ta go.
Yar, there ye go! Ye now know everythin' ye need ta know if ye wanna make yer very own Cheep Wellington! I wish ye all the best in the kitchen, an' I 'ope ta see ye again next month where we'll be embarkin' on 'nother culinary adventure! See ye then, mateys!
The Spectral Lens
Written by: Boo1268
The Smashing Mystery Of Thwomp Ruins
Hello readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. I must thank you all for your support on the first issue. It truly warms my ghostly heart to see you all enjoy the knowledge I have to share with the world, and speaking of warming my heart, summer is fast approaching, and so I decided to take a visit to Thwomp Ruins. This “smashing” piece of the Mushroom Kingdom's history is very mysterious in nature because not much is known about the history of Thwomp Ruins. Even I don't know much about it, that's how old it is. But I'll try my best to recount the info I do know. So as many of you know, Thwomp Ruins is one of the many tracks featured in NASKART (National Association for Stock Kart Auto Racing Tournament). It was one of four tracks featured in the Mushroom Cup, although the place was slightly unstable so many accommodations had to be added, not just for racing, but for general safety. I had heard recently of an archaeology team setting up at said Ruins hoping to discover its mysteries. I met up with them soon after coming to the Ruins in hopes to not only learn what they have learned, but also take a dip in the water myself. I soon found myself talking with the head of the archeology team, a young Goomba who had recently graduated from the University of Goom and had recently been given the funds to begin her own archeology team. Her name is Goombella, and from personal experience, she is quite the bubbly lass who I had the joy of interviewing about her recent discoveries about the Ruins.
Q1: What new discoveries have you and your team found about the history of these Ruins?
“Well, a lot of things, actually. You see, from what we've gathered so far, this place seemed to be a place of religious importance, possibly by my account a place of resurrection. This is due to the vast amount of booby traps we've found littering the place, possibly meant to protect the sacred grounds.”
Q2: What is the religious significance of these Ruins?
“The religious significance can, in fact, be traced back to Thwomp Volcano; this is due to the presence of the pool of water located in the Ruins. We have discovered that the pool has a handmade irrigation system that naturally filters in new water from the nearby waterfalls. We theorize that the pools were used to cool down newly made Thwomps! Or, more likely, Thwomps that had been reheated by the Volcano and thus experienced a sense of resurrection by reforming themselves from the lava. It's very clear that this was a religious practice of some kind due to all the Thwomp stone carvings. They may have worshiped some sort of Thwomp god.”
Q3: Couldn't you simply ask the Thwomps located at the Ruins for answers?
“Unfortunately, these Thwomps don't seem like the talkative type, and even then we still don't know much about this place. Most of it has been speculation, but what is history without some mystery eh?”
And I couldn't agree more. The joy of history is discovering things long since forgotten and trying to unearth the past. And so, after the interview I soon found myself taking a plunge in the nice cooling waters alongside Ms. Goombella and her crew, and I must say I had a lot of fun! So always remember, there's history about anything and everything, big or small, you just need to know where to look.
And so with that, our story ends. Thank you all for reading, and with that I say: Merci, au revoir.
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Toad Town Publications Push Back Against Updated Lakitu Info Center Journalistic Naming Guidelines
In a rare joint statement, the Mushroom Times and Toad Town News, two long-circulating newspapers within the Toad Town metropolitan area, announced their opposition to the Lakitu Info Center's new guidelines instructing journalists to begin referring to the Koopa Kingdom's armed forces as "Bowser's Minions".
The Lakitu Info Center (LIC), a non-profit cooperative news agency with offices throughout the Mushroom Kingdom, distributes news stories to many of the kingdom's prominent news agencies. With hundreds of member agencies and its wide reach, the LIC has become a de facto standards-setter for journalists across the kingdom, with the Lakitu Info Center Stylebook being by far the most popular style guide for journalistic writing. Every two years, the LIC revises its style guide, distributing a new edition to "reflect changing conditions and values that necessitate changes in how the news is reported".
While releases of the LIC's revised style guides are usually quiet events, unnoticed by the public, this year's announced revision has so far received considerable backlash from the public and from journalistic institutions alike, with much of the criticism directed at the updated naming guideline for the Koopa Kingdom's armed forces. Long called the "Koopa Troop" by the public, a name reflected in news reports, the LIC now suggests that the institution should be referred to exclusively as "Bowser's Minions". In the newest edition's revision summary, the LIC explains:
Phase out use of "Koopa Troop" for "Bowser's Minions" - We have come to the conclusion that "Koopa Troop" is an outdated term that is confusing to readers and harmful to the many peaceful Koopa citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom. This older term is easily mistaken for "Koopa Troopa" and unfairly associates all Koopas with the armies of the Koopa Kingdom. The armies of the Koopa Kingdom contain many non-Koopa species, and many Koopas do not support the policies of the Koopa Kingdom or King Bowser Koopa. To better reflect these realities and to put the blame for policies of repeated invasions and kidnapping where it properly lies, we find "Bowser's Minions" a more suitable term.
Critics of this naming policy revision point out that the term "Koopa Troop" has been used by the Koopa Kingdom armed forces themselves and that the "Koopa" in the name is not derived from the Koopa species, but the surname of the royal family. Others have criticized the name on aesthetic grounds, arguing simply that Koopa Troop rolls off the tongue better and is a more interesting name. Others yet say that this policy change is an example of overzealous political correctness, arguing that the term has long been in use without any complaint and that no change is necessary. In their joint statement, the Mushroom Times and Toad Town News said the following:
While our institutions respect the Lakitu Info Center, after considering these revised guidelines and weighing in the public's commentary, it is the decision of our editorial boards that we will continue to use the term "Koopa Troop". This is the most familiar name by which our readers know the armies of the Koopa Kingdom. With an eye towards consistency in our reporting and our papers standing as a testament to decades of invasions to be pored over by future scholars, we reject this unnecessary change that will only serve to muddle the historical record and confuse our readers.
It should be noted that, as of print time, the Mushroom Tribune editorial board has not communicated any changes to its writing guidelines to reflect or reject this change. For more perspective on this name change and the debate that has ensued, we turn to long-time contributors Pit Hoodstein and Parshoe G. Shoelow.
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Frankly, Parshoe, I don't understand why this is a controversy in the first place. This is the kind of thing that I would have assumed the public would have dismissed as pedantry, but it seems that this has ruffled feathers enough to put pressure on publications to publicly break with these guidelines. It's the first time I've seen this kind of thing, I'll tell you that. Frankly, I don't get it. This seems like it should be a non-issue. All the same, "Bowser's Minions" is a suitable name and the Lakitu Info Center has a fair explanation behind these changes, so I don't see any reason to oppose this. Sure, I'll grant you that the royal Koopa family has used the name "Koopa Troop", but they've also used "Bowser's Minions", so I don't see why it should be any more controversial! And yeah, I'm an old-timer. You ask me real honest-like, and I'll tell you that I think "Koopa Troop" has a better ring to it - but I'm also not going to put myself in the way of change. I mean, you've got to remember some of the old newsroom fights yourself, don't you? Oh, back in the day, other writers defending "Big Bob-omb" over "King Bob-omb", saying there was no reason to recognize the legitimacy of a crown granted to a vassal of Bowser? All that? Well, back then, progress carried the day too. We can't stand in the way of change, and the times are changing here. If you ask me, it's time to stop making a controversy out of nothing. Let's get on with getting along with this new naming standard. |
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Quite honestly, I find myself completely indifferent to the topic at hand. On one hand, I do think it's silly to claim that saying "Koopa Troop" could offend Koopas that don't work for Bowser Koopa. Considering the fact that Bower's last name is Koopa and he runs the Koopa Kingdom, it's absurd, so I guess I can see where somebody can claim that this is political correctness gone haywire. But on the other hand, I can see how you could claim that Bowser's Minions is a better description of Bowser's army as a whole, because it directly references that those troops work for Bowser, as opposed to Koopa Troop which I suppose could confuse people since Koopa is a fairly common surname in the Koopa world. You see it with Kent C. Koopa of Koopa Village and with the Koopa Kronicle's star reporter Kylie Koopa. But if I'm being honest, I just really don't care about this topic. It's such a minor thing in nature that it doesn't really matter, and I can't figure out what all the controversy is about. Whether you call them Bowser's Minions or Koopa Troop, what's the practical difference? Nothing really. Certain critics have argued that Koopa Troop has been used by offical Koopa Army documents, but I guess I'd point out that the name Koopa Troop isn't exactly consistently used, with other names referenced like Koopa Corps, Koopa Troop Minions, and even a few references to "Team Bowser". My point is that the name doesn't really matter as long as you're clearly conveying what you're referring to. It makes no difference to me what Bowser's army is called, and, while I think Koopa Troop sounds more professional, Bowser's Minions calls them what they are... Bowser's Minions. |
Sprite credits: Sonik (tSR), Lakituthequick
Written by: Legend 8
Episode 5+: Backstage Time Travels
Part 2 - Jurassic Warp
It is an almost scorchingly beautiful and sunny day in the Mushroom Kingdom of 80 million years ago. Everything is quiet. Until... Suddenly a rift opens between two huge ferns and a strange fellow in a black wizard's robe - missing the hat - and a burning Koopa skull stumble out. It is, of course, Pyro and Kroop, and they have come to the age of dinosaurs to retrieve Pyro's stolen hat.
Kroop: Ouch! So that you call advanced? I guess that comfort is rather opposite!
Pyro: Please, stop grumbling. I know the Time Travel isn't too comfortable, as is our situation, but the unlimited power of anti logic is limited, you understand?
Kroop: No! But honestly, tell me what is really so special about your hat. And also, how you ACTUALLY lost it.
Pyro: Well, as I already told you, I store quite a few important things and spell components in it. And it was stolen during my meditation, by a time-travelling space mammoth from the future!
Kroop: Reeeally, of coooourse... As if!
Pyro: Why don't you believe me? After all, YOU have never been to the future. And now let's get going, otherwise I might get a sunburn without my hat.
Kroop: Yeah, look at me, I'm already burning! We should go home... * Grumble grumble *
Pyro and Kroop walk out of the jungle and into a big valley full of grazing dinosaurs. In the distance they see huge volcanoes. They decide to ask one of the Yoshi-like dinosaurs in the valley for some eggs for dinner, as it is starting to get dark.
Pyro: I didn't know that you could still speak Dinosaur, Kroop, but it worked! Yummy!
Kroop: Yes, but now I am full of egg. Did you really need to roast the eggs over me???
Pyro: Without my hat, I can't conjure up a campfire...
Kroop: Come on! Anyway... now tell me where we are headed, will you?
Pyro: I actually don't have a plan yet, but...
Well, dear readers, you would not have noticed this because it never happened, but I'll explain it: if Kroop had hands, he would now have slapped them against his forehead, and rolled his eyes, which he sadly doesn't have either.
Kroop: Exactly, thank you very much for explaining. But who's "dear readers"?
Pyro: Some concepts of reality you will never understand, don't bother yourself with it. But, what I actually wanted to say, is that I have an idea now how we can find my hat!
Kroop: And what is it? Are we gonna be looking for a MAMMOTH SPACESHIP hovering somewhere over a volcano?
Pyro: Completely correct! How did you guess my genius plan?
Kroop: Because it's stupid! That's so never gonna happen...
Pyro: We'll see.
The next morning, they venture out again. They walk across the valley and into a large canyon.
Pyro: My foreseeing genius tells me we should go in this direction next. We will probably be there very soon.
Kroop: "Your genius" is probably very wrong. But at least it isn't so hot anymore in the shade of the mountains.
Pyro: Said the burning skull. Did you know that you actually shouldn't be able to feel anything? You don't have skin and nerves. Well, but I guess illogical powers make everything possible.
Kroop: Yeah, maybe everything except a campfire!
Please stop arguing, will you? It's such nice weather, I can't really explain your bad mood to myself.
Kroop: Now I'm freezing!
Maybe we can sing a song or something, to bring you onto happier thoughts!
♪ A couple million years ago, a magic guy wandered the lands, hey ho. He looked for his hat which he couldn't find, as it had been stolen by space-mammothkind. By his side was a burning skull, grumbling along... ♪
Pyro: STOP!!! It's hurting my ears! And, IT IS NOT CALLED MAGIC!!!
Kroop: My ears hurt too now, thank you very much.
Pyro: YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE EARS!!!
Okay, I've already stopped! But... hey, I found something! Let me explain, there is a volcano over there and above it...
Pyro: Haha, I won again! Kroop, you should really stop disbelieving in me!
Kroop: That can't honestly be true...
Pyro: Now all we need is a plan how to get in. Let's hide in that cave over there while I think.
Pyro and Kroop enter the cave and Pyro starts walking in circles, murmuring quietly to himself, while Kroop is still completely baffled and unable to speak. But suddenly they hear a roar out of the back of the cave.
Pyro: * think th- * Aaah! It's a Dino Piranha! RUN!!!
Kroop: ...
They run out of the cave back to the foot of the volcano, where their path is blocked by a river of boiling lava. The Dino Piranha comes closer, roaring at its trapped prey.
Pyro: K-Kroop?! Could you please persuade him to eat something else instead?!
Kroop: ...
Let me explain, I think Kroop is still too shocked to communicate. That means you will most probably die. It was nice knowing you!
Suddenly Kroop dives into the lava, swims around to the side of the hungry plant-dinosaur and headbutts it into the lava stream.
Pyro: I don't want to d... Oh. Thanks, Kroop! Now let's get away quickly before...
After a few seconds, the Dino Piranha re-emerges from the red-hot stream, dripping with lava and glowing orange. It roars a huge fireball at them that almost hits them, scorching Pyro's cloak.
Kroop: WAAH! Oh, cool, I can talk again. Can we go home now?!
The Fiery Dino Piranha keeps bombarding them with flames that light up the surroundings. A small patrol UFO flying over the volcano notices them and swooshes towards them.
Pyro: Oh no, even more trouble! Why did I have to lose my stupid hat in the first place!? I want to go home as well...
Kroop: That's just what I said all the time. Finally you... Look out!
The UFO extends a large mechanical claw that grabs them and lifts them up and away, just before a fatal fireball would have hit them. Then it flies off towards the big spaceship.
Pyro: Wait, what just happened? Did my plan to get inside the spaceship ACTUALLY work?! Even I wouldn't have believed that...
Kroop: Okay, if this was your plan, then you're even crazier than I thought. They could do all kinds of horrible stuff to us!
Hello again, congratulations for not getting eaten! Please listen to me for a second, let me explain. That mammoth guy in the cockpit is trumpeting that you should stop screaming, otherwise he'll drop you again.
Pyro: Oh, thanks for letting us know. OK. Everybody quiet down now.
Kroop: Okay. So, what are we going to do when we get in?
Pyro: We will politely ask them if they could give back to us my hat.
Kroop: ... Seriously? Oh, another thing I forgot to ask before: why did they even steal it?
Pyro: Well, as I said, I have been to the future before... And I MIGHT have just... y'know, taken... an incredibly important artifact that they wanted to use to, ehm, take over the world...
Kroop: Oh. So we're doomed either way. They will NOT give your hat back to you, and if we even make it out alive, we'll have to deal with the world being taken over by aliens who hate you. GREAT.
Pyro: Yeah, well... I guess we'll have to think about THAT later.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Mwahaha, evil spaceship-hanger! But you'll soon find out what happens after that... you'll find out in the future!
Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents
Written by: The Shoe (talk) and Time (talk) Advertising Conglomerate
The Sunshine Travel Guide
No longer written by: TheBlueCatMenace
A Note From The Sunshine Travel Agency, Again
Once again, we welcome you to our esteemed Travel Guide. As some of you may know, annoying feline, Cosmo "waste of oxygen" Neko was fired after a failure to reach unrealistic standards while caught in a deadly situation he could not have predicted. For shame. Unfortunately, we then remembered he was our only writer so we panicked and hired the first person we saw. We are happy to introduce you to Bar D. Jokue, also known as "Plot Device". Sure, his writing isn't very good, but he's cheap! -The Sunshine Travel Agency EST. 2002
Delfino Plaza: Feel Like Something's Missing!
Hey everyone! It's me, Bar D. Jokue. The Sunshine Travel Agency has finally decided to start offering Isle Delfino Travel Plans, as has been requested for many years. Then we saw the prices. We have more than enough money to pay for all of them, but we want to hoard as much money as possible, so we decided just to shell out a few coins and offer vacations to Delfino Plaza. Anyway, let's get started. I've got a deadline, you know.
Attractions
Sharp-eyed readers may notice that The Sunshine Travel Guide, oh man, typing all of that is hard on the fingers, I'm just gonna abbreviate it. As I was saying, sharp-eyed readers may notice that TSTG usually starts with a snoozefest, oh wait I didn't mean to type that how do I fix it huh what did you do wait this is cool thanks okay let's try this thing again. TSTG usually starts with a history section, but I don't feel like writing it, so I'll just skip it.
The first thing you'll notice after arriving in Isle Delfino is the tight security. You'll immediately be arrested and forced into labor without a fair trial. Once you've gotten that out of the way, you can enjoy a tiny part of Isle Delfino in all its glory. There's a really small beach, so small that if you try to do anything other than stand still, you'll bump into something. Also we have mysterious pipes that lead to extremely frustrating dimensions.
Let's see, what else can you do, uhh, you can bring people some fruit, don't eat it though, eating is prohibited. You can break into people's houses and destroy their possessions, which are all crates, for some reason. Uhh, you can break into other buildings and steal culturally important items. Well, I don't think there's much you can do here…
History
I just got yelled at for not including a history section in this issue, because apparently the history sections qualify as educational, which means we can sell these as textbooks. However, I don't know anything about the history of Isle Delfino. So I guess I'll just tell you my biography.
I was born in Bianco Hills, and raised by my parents D. Ad Jokue and Funy Jokue. I had a brother named Dirt E. Jokue and our dog we called Orful Jokue. My best friend was a Noki called Inser T. Punhere. I went to The School For Unfortunately Named Children. I got a job as a painter but luckily some shadowy guy painted the island for me.
A few years later-
Another Message From The Sunshine Travel Agency
Hello dear reader. We apologise for interrupting this riveting history section, but we have got big news to share. The Sunshine Travel Guide is getting micro transactions. We are sure you're thrilled about this, but before you rush out and start spending, we need to supply you with our guide first.
You first need to decide what kind of pass you want, each with more benefits depending on the price. To help you choose which pass to pick, we've created a handy dandy guide showing prices and benefits.
| Brick Block Pass | ||
|---|---|---|
|
The Brick Block Pass is the cheapest of all our passes. You should buy something more expensive. Benefits include: 1 minute of reading, vague smell of chips. | |
| PRICE: | $2.99 per month | |
| Coin Pass | ||
|---|---|---|
|
The Coin Pass is slightly worse than average. We're nothing if we ain't honest (we ain't honest). Benefits include: 5 minutes of reading (extendable for only $0.99!), irritating coin print on paper, ability to suggest locations for only $3.99, stronger smell of chips. | |
| PRICE: | $7.99 per month | |
| Mushroom Pass | ||
|---|---|---|
|
The Mushroom Pass is really average. Benefits include: Unlimited reading (no extra content), ability to suggest locations, permission to chat with staff members for only $3.99, distinct smell of chips, and possibly cookies. | |
| PRICE: | $10.99 per month | |
| Super Star Pass | ||
|---|---|---|
|
A really good one that you should buy. Benefits include: Unlimited reading plus extra content, ability to modify digital background, ability to suggest locations and talk with staff for free, plus all that other stuff that should be free. Extreme smell of chips and noticeable smell of cookies also included. | |
| PRICE: | $49.99 per month | |
| Switch Pass | ||
|---|---|---|
|
BUYBUYBUYBUYBUYBUYBUY. Benefits include: Awareness of the fourth wall, ability to break the fourth wall, some other mystery stuff that isn't impressive. | |
| PRICE: | $499.99 ($599.99 for OLED edition, which increases lifespan, power, and eyesight.) per month. | |
Again we say, we're sure everyone will be happy with this change and-
Fatal Error Detected
Attempting to repair
Repair Failed. Error code: 69420
Rebooting…
Warning: Hacker detec-
Hey, everyone. It's me, Cosmo. I'm in a strange place, but I'll be contacting you soon. It's some sort of port town filled with thieves. Until then, if you have a suggestion for an issue, contact me on the forums. Cosmo out.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 206 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
