The 'Shroom:Issue 216/Critic Corner
Director's Notes
Happy March, everyone! Hopefully you all have gotten enough sleep with that hour generously taken away from us recently, and for you Europeans who haven't had it yet: savor it! While you're tossing and turning at night, lost in time, finding yourself restless in naked space and yet-to-be-corporeal dreamscapes, why not fill those aching voids with some reviews?!
Thank you for voting Half-Baked Reviews as February's Critic Corner Section of the Month!! Be sure to give your love to all of our sections here, and give a shout out to our writers whether in chat or in their forum threads dedicated to their sections. Be sure to vote vote vote!
And now for my regular announcements: We've decided to implement in Critic Corner something similar to News Flush over in Fake News, where no formal sign-up application process is required for one-time or limited sections. From now on if you just want to send in a single review for something you just read, watched played, tried, whatever, you just have to send me your review privately either to me directly in chat, or in a message to me on the forum at least one week before each 'Shroom is to be released! There's no commitment or obligation to provide a full monthly section (although you absolutely can shift it into one if you so choose), just send us your thoughts on a thing and we'll feature it here! If you have any questions or curiosities about this, please feel free to ask!
As always, if you would like to help Critic Corner, we always have openings for more writers! You are free to write for sections such as Character Review and Movie Review, or really anything you'd like to do! There's no pressure to have a huge section; they can be shorter and concise! The application process is very simple, starting with reading the Sign Up page, and sending your application to Meta Knight on the forum. Any idea you have is welcome, and if you have any questions or need help signing up, please feel free to reach out to myself or other 'Shroom peeps!
Section of the Month
| CRITIC CORNER SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Anton's Half-Baked Reviews | 17 | 51.52% | Hypnotoad (talk) |
| 2nd | A Look at Mario Enemies Lost to Time | 10 | 30.30% | Shoey (talk) |
| 3rd | Why Ballistic Bingo is a Garbage Minigame | 4 | 12.12% | Sparks (talk) |
'Shroom FM
It's 3AM, please read my albums
Ichiko Aoba - Luminescent Creatures ā
I really wanted to approach this without having to use Ichiko Aoba's previous album - 2020's Windswept Adan - as a point of reference, though it's hard to given that it's my favourite album of the whole decade so far. There's obvious similarities between the two - both are clearly very attuned to nature, particularly the ocean, and there's plenty of environmental sounds and noises, plus a certain closeness and intimacy. Of the two, Luminescent Creatures has a much more nocturnal feel than its predecessor - in general, a lot deeper and calmer, more minimal. There's still moments that soar - the opener "COLORATURA" builds up into a brilliant, rich soundscape, and "LucifƩrine" switches between the mellow verses and the bounding, twinkly chorus in such a natural way. Aoba's vocal performance is stellar, of course, and the quieter tracks isolate and showcase that really well. Naturally given how much I like the former album, it's a bit of a foregone conclusion that I didn't enjoy this one as much, but that's not at all to say that it's disappointing. At 35 minutes, it does feel like it goes by a little too quickly, and could've certainly done with a few more tracks to make its atmosphere deeper. But nonetheless, this is still a gorgeous collection of songs from one of my favourite songwriters.
Sam Fender - People Watching
Fantastic stuff. As with Sam Fender's previous albums, I've seen a lot of comparisons made to Bruce Springsteen here, which is absolutely fair enough - but Fender's writing has only gotten stronger over time, so just reducing this album to that - as some people seem to be doing - is very reductive. It's also ignoring some clear influence from the latter era of Britpop (or even "Post-Britpop" which developed after), which feels especially evident with the lush string arrangements on "Chin Up" and "Little Bit Closer". Fender's lyricism is very personal, with really evocative and engaging storytelling, and a vivid account of modern Britain, from the lens of his hometown in the north-east of England. His songwriting has definitely matured since Seventeen Going Under, less coming-of-age but more settling into it. The songs just sound so good - really dynamic and full of energy, a great range of styles and superb guitarwork.
Oklou - choke enough
I did hope to enjoy this one more as I saw people saying it had "Y2K vibes" which probably means either 2000s pop or some global-scale computer bug. Unfortunately, didn't get much of either from this! There's definitely an atmosphere here, but so many songs here really don't go anywhere, especially in the first half. I can see the point of the minimalism but I think it works against the songs here, often just completely dragging down the energy when there's no beat to sustain it. There are some really frustrating examples of this - the title track builds up really well over most of its runtime, has a solid beat, and then... drops off completely without reaching any sort of climax. Very few of the songs here feel like they reach a natural ending, like they just give up after a certain amount of time or - at worst - end out of nowhere, right when they're getting interesting (thanks "plague dogs"). Generally, I'm not a fan of the vocal style here - often very wispy but also with autotune effects that ruin the closeness it's aiming for. The second half does improve things a bit - "take me by the hand" has a good energy and great synth line, even if Bladee and his guest spot are like nails on chalkboard to me - and "harvest sky" is brilliant, blending the album's style with some thumping Eurodance beats and synths, unfortunately one of the few parts of the album where it all comes together in a satisfying way.
Antony Szmierek - Service Station at the End of the Universe
A bit conflicted on this one. Szmierek's style - at its core, spoken word vocals over dance beats - does stand out as unique even if it's not completely unlike, say, The Streets or Real Lies. There's plenty of character and imagery in his writing - again, very British, specifically Manchester - and the atmosphere is fairly strong. However, while I do think the beats here are well-produced, with some nice little touches here and there to keep things interesting, it's rare that they do anything overly creative and do sometimes end up feeling a bit faceless. Also, there's few times where it feels like they're working together with the lyrics in an interesting way - or even interacting at all, as if the two are just going completely separately. The lyrics are also a bit all over the place; plenty of individual lines that stand out but put it all together and there's songs like "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Fallacy" where it loses track of whatever meaning it's meant to have, and you just wonder what the hell he's going on about. It's a decent if unpolished debut album, though, with some great highlights.
Maruja - Tir na nĆg (EP)
This is an EP consisting of "an entirely improvised continuous suite of music", that is to say a 22-minute long jam. It's a very raw display of Maruja's style - murky, ominous and jazzy - though definitely not as "accessible" as their EP from last year. It's effective at what it does though I did lose a bit of interest towards the end. Fair enough.
Great Intros In Media: Twin Peaks
Written by: Paper Plumm (talk)
Hello Yello! And welcome to a new series you're only going to see when I'm unable to finish my articles on time. In order to avoid keeping you all dry, I keep a backup review article on hand in case of that happening. Please keep in mind that the bulk of this article was made in February of this year, keep this in mind for anything that has aged poorly. In this case I was not prepared for midyear exams to be as all-consuming as they ended up being, so my time to write Golden Sun has been woefully limited as it were. In terms of other things, I'd like to say, thank you for making me Poll Chairperson! This is huge to see even if I ran unopposed, I hope you'll join me in making some dang fine polls (pun absolutely intended). Anyways, without further ado, the analysis.
When it comes to media, there are very few things more important to get done right than the intro, we've seen this with my Brothership article in which its poor intro soured the rest of an otherwise alright game. Origami King, while it didn't have a bad intro, it felt all too similar to previous intros, turning people away from it far too early. While I find myself a very patient person who when I hear the phrase "Trust me, it gets good" I will trust the people that say this and trudge through the bad intro, I trust I am also an outlier in this case. Some of my favourite games and other media have poor starts, and as such when you want to try to get someone into them, it can be an impossible task. One of my recent favourites Higurashi When They Cry has one of the longest intros, one that is hard to find someone to like and it's a series equal in length to twice the Bible, the chances of getting someone to trudge through that are slim. I often find when it comes to these sorts of media that you inevitably have to look online to find a community into the media, because patience is very rare to find with this. I ended up luckily finding someone who was starting around the same time, and we formed a book club of sorts. Throughout the entire process, I also tried and failed to get people into the series simply because it was too daunting an investment of time. Near the end of the adventure, another friend in the community recommended Twin Peaks which he said was like Higurashi. And while as of writing I have not finished it, I thoroughly enjoy it. Twin Peaks has had the opposite effect of Higurashi. I show people the first five minutes of the show, and without fail they become hooked on the entire show.
So, I was trying to think of what made this tick, what made Twin Peaks' intro so perfect at getting people hooked? And I thought, hey there's an idea for a backup series. So, join me as we look at Twin Peaks' intro episode. Also, before we begin, if I have peaked your interest so far (another absolutely intended pun), I'd highly recommend watching it, you may just like it. Alright, without further ado, let's begin.
First off, the opening, "Falling" is just such a great piece. Those deep bass chords just cut straight into your heart while the synth in the background provides this sense of wonder yet somberness like something lost has been found, this all placed under the backdrop of some gorgeous Washington scenery. It's chilling and entrancing at the same time, I don't know how it manages it. A lot of times when it comes to shows, I often quickly find myself clicking the skip intro button with intros with far more, for lack of a better word, substance, yet Twin Peaks manages to accomplish so much with far less, and I love it for it.
TV mystery genres usually follow one of two central ideas. The first, and most common, is usually the procedural mystery of the week format. The issue with this format is that it can never really become about the mystery as its cast literally changes every time. This is why this genre often has to develop its main detective cast, as without it, the show itself becomes empty and isolated. This format can be really good, but it needs to really flesh out its main cast. The second usually focuses on a central mystery. This is the path Twin Peaks chooses, one where everything intrinsically revolves around one mystery rather than a new one each week. In order to do this one well, it has to make you invested in its central mystery, to have to care enough to want to have it solved. Twin Peaks takes this idea as its focal point, but uses the elements of cast focus of the first and has those revolve around its central mystery, that is, who killed Laura Palmer?
Laura Palmer's death is incredibly well portrayed, throughout the episodes we see numerous scenes showcasing the severe impact and tragedy of her death. We see scenes of the parents breaking down in anguish, the principal and Josie's somber tones as they deliver their announcements. The episode makes you invested because you care about those who have lost Laura. In addition, Laura herself is made to be a character you care just as much about, a young teen whose life was taken too soon and in too terrible a way. I will note as one of my minor criticisms is Ronette Pulaski, who feels almost completely neglected in comparison to the heavy spotlight Laura receives.
The other main reason Twin Peak's intro works is of course its element of cast focus I stated earlier. Lynch uses Laura's death to really dig into the characters from the get-go. Whereas most shows would usually feature a midpoint or so focusing on an event that would show their characters' vulnerable side, Laura's death displays the vulnerabilities of the characters immediately. This really causes through the lens of Laura for you to both care more for Laura and for those who knew her simultaneously.
The last piece that really nails the intro is its protagonists, Cooper and Audrey. Cooper helps to prevent the intro from feeling a complete downer because of his strong sense of optimism. While a lot of the episode feels stuck in a moment of loss, Cooper helps to move things past this. This gives viewers someone to get invested in as they want to help bring about change. Audrey, meanwhile, is there to be the contrarian, to rebel against the very nature of whatever is happening in the episode. This contrarian feeling is something that is human nature, especially in situations where what is happening is off putting, which in Twin Peaks is all the time. Having a character that gives into the impulses its audience feels is one that can quickly become attached to by the audience as they are more relatable. By making the protagonists as attachable as possible, this furthers investments as viewers now have someone to root for in the trials shown.
In addition, the other cast introductions are really strong as well. Of particular note is Josie and Catherine's intro scenes. Within the scene we see Josie's decision to shut the mill down for the day as a result of all that has happened, even in spite of the heavy costs shutting it down will bring. This is contrasted by a furious Catherine who uses the cost cutting for leverage over her. Within just this one scene, Josie is set up to be a likeable underdog, while Catherine an antagonist figure. This is all done without feeling like the intro is stereotyping either character as both are realistic actions to take.
In general, that's the best way to describe Twin Peaks' intro, poignant and realistic. It uses the most of every scene to desperately make you invested in the cast. It doesn't stop for a moment to breathe because it wants to cram as much time getting you invested in its story. When Twin Peaks was being developed, there was a good chance the show might not work out, there were even plans to make the pilot a movie overseas if it failed. So, it's clear then Lynch and Frost knew, if they wanted their project to succeed, they would need to master the art of the intro. And well, they succeeded.
I hope you enjoyed this new emergency series. I like to keep a backup for things when time is on my side so I can relax in case of events in which it is not my ally. Since there is nothing crazy going on in March for me, Golden Sun will be back. And since you'll be hopefully waiting a while for the next one, let me give you a hint on my next one. "Showdown time. ā¦You lose." Anyways, I hope you have a great Women's History month and a hearty Saint Patrick's Day, and as always, drive safely!
Shoey's Shoetacular Reviews
| Raw 2 | |
|---|---|
| |
| Genres | Wrestling |
| Platform | Xbox |
| Release date | September 15, 2003 |
| Rating | T |
Imagine it's the early 2000s and the most heartbreaking thing you could think of has happened. That's right, some dastardly criminal has stolen your precious PlayStation 1, the same one that your older brother traded your Nintendo 64 for, out of the back of your dad's truck! No more shall you enjoy the greatest PlayStation game Digimon World, nor will you ever see any of the Dragon Shores minigames from Spyro the Dragon: Ripto's Rage!. Truly a tragedy! But cheer up, because your dad has offered to buy you and your brother a new video game system! And not just any video game system, but a brand new sixth generation video game system of your and your brother's choosing!!! That's right, either a GameCube, PlayStation 2, or an Xbox could be yours!
Now, naturally you wanted the GameCube. I mean, think about it. It had Luigi's Mansion on it and that Pikmin game that for some reason you really really want even though as, like, an eight-year-old you have no info on it outside of a commercial. But all you know is that you want it more than anything! But sadly, there is no GameCube for you 'cause your dad and brother think Nintendo is for lames BECAUSE THEY'RE WRONG AND STUPID!
How about the PlayStation 2? It plays DVDs, right? That's pretty cool! Well, no, you don't get that either. I mean, who would need DVDs when we have all these VHS tapes!? That's right, you're getting an original Xbox! It's the home of Halo and uhā¦ Halo! Don't worry, I'm sure it's got a rich library of exclusive games you'll enjoy!
Now imagine you've become a fan of wrestling ever since your brother borrowed the second half of his friend's Wrestlemania 20 DVD where you got to see such classics as Eddie Guerrero vs Kurt Angle for the WWE Championship, Chris Benoit vs Shawn Michaels vs Triple H in a Triple Threat Match for the World Heavyweight Championship, and Kane Vs the Undertaker in what wasā¦ I don't know, not a very good matchā¦ But it was two monsters slugging it out and you were super into it! Especially Kane because, let's face it, you're kind of a dopeā¦
So naturally you need a wrestling game to go on your hot new Xbox and, well, it's kind of slim pickings on Xbox, with only three ever released. Your choices are Raw, Raw 2, and Wrestlemania 21, and at this point in your life Wrestlemania 21 isn't even out yet. So really it's between Raw 1 and Raw 2 and, aw man, who is that on the cover of Raw 2? Is that Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner?! The Big Bad Booty Daddy! You gotta get that one! In reality, of course, your parents just let you kind of pick it out randomly at a video game store or it was some sort of present. Now you play it and you like it! It's kind of jank, but you can drop boxes on people's heads and you really like that. Also, for some reason, you're really bummed it doesn't have Scotty 2 Hotty because, again, you're kind of a dope. But still, you liked it!
But then because you and your brother are spoiled brats whose parents overindulge them, you get not only a PlayStation 2, but also a Nintendo GameCube! And now you couldn't care less about the original Xbox. I mean, what does that even have? Halo, Raw 2, that weird Rocky game you had for some reason? LAMEEEEEEEEEE! So you put that Xbox away and really never touch it again. I mean, now you've got the whole world! NCAA Football on the PlayStation 2 and SmackDown Vs Raw 2006 and 7? Plus you have Mario: Kart: Double Dash!!, SpongeBob SquarePants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman, and let's not forget Pikmin babyyyyyyyy (you never did get Luigi's Mansion though). You never touch the Xbox again and eventually sell it because who would want to preserve video games when you could get like twenty American big ones?
Years go by and you really don't think about Raw 2 anymore until one day, in a local video game store, you see a copy of Raw 2 for like eight bucks and you think "Heh, I remember that game. it was pretty fun. I'm pretty sure it was bad but I enjoyed it". So you buy the game and then you buy an Xbox online because you just got your tax money back and you're flush with Government Cheese. Well readers, this isn't a hypothetical scenario. This is the story of how I bought an Xbox online entirely to play a single wrestling game (there's also a Robot Wars game I'd like to play, but it was only released in the UK and the original Xbox is region locked). Then I decided that this would make a good game to review for The 'Shroom, so here it is, my review of Raw 2, one of my favorite wrestling games from my childhood.
Raw 2 was published by THQ and developed by Anchor Games, a development studio so good they don't have a Wikipedia page (ooof, that's not a good sign, boys). At this point in time in WWE video game history, they were doing something kind of unique. These days, every system gets the same WWE 2K-whatever year we're on. But for the sixth generation, every system got their own WWE series. The PlayStation 2 got the SmackDown series, which would eventually evolve into the SmackDown Vs. Raw series. The Nintendo GameCube first got two games named after the respective years' Wrestlemania before getting the awful Day of Reckoning series (fight me). Meanwhile, the Xbox got the Raw series, and then a game named after Wrestlemania 21. I don't know why the Xbox got the Monday Night Raw brand when it's always been the premier brand for the WWE. You'd think the Raw games would be on PlayStation 2 since the PlayStation 2 was kicking the Xbox's dick in. But I digress!
So this game's character selection is primarily based on the Raw roster, featuring 36 wrestlers from Raw at the time and 28 wrestlers from SmackDown, which again means that young Shoey's favorite wrestler Scotty 2 Hotty isn't here even though Shannon Moore is!
That's bullshit! I don't think Shannon Moore ever made an appearance on Monday Night Raw in his career!!! With 64 playable WWE Superstars the Raw 2 roster is a pretty big jump from Raw 1's 47 characters. The roster is stronger in general, but, uh, I can't lie; as a certified sicko it does sadden me I can't play as some of the characters that were only in Raw 1 like SmackDown's Number One Announcer Funaki or the Lethal Weapon Steve Blackman! God I wanna play as Steve Blackman I mean, come on! He's the lethal weapon!
I always like looking at the roster of old wrestling games because it's like a snapshot of who is alive and relevant enough to get featured in these games. Like, Billy Gunn and Chuck Palumbo are here, but it's after the breakup of their tag team where they were gay lovers who revealed they weren't actually gay during their TV wedding. And then Rico, their (former) personal stylist, is here, but it's pre-face turn Rico where he starts wearing face paint and acting stereotypically effeminate and that's the version of Rico I like.
But even if it's not a perfect roster, it's always fun to look at what's kind of the history of WWE presented though video game rosters. Like, Harvard's own Christopher Nowinski is in this game, and let me tell you, there is a slim sliver of time where he would get put into one of these games! One thing that might surprise people who are used to either the Smackdown Vs. Raw or WWE 2K games is that there are no legends. I was looking into the rosters of different WWE games and it looks like featuring legends didn't really become a thing until WWE SmackDown! Here Comes the Pain, which, while yes it was released the same year as Raw 2, I don't think you can really knock Raw 2 for not doing something that had never really been done before. Unfortunately, because of the time period, this does mean this game has Bikertaker instead of the more iconic zombie Undertaker. And I hate Bikertaker! My ability to enjoy the Undertaker is directly proportional to how much he talks, 'cause I don't want him to talk at all! But this does mean we get my favorite theme song for Undertaker, ("You're Gonna Pay"), so I guess I can stomach it!
Overall, I think it's a really solid roster. You've got all your main eventers and a good variety of fun midcarders like Lance Storm, The Hurricane, and Crash Holly. And, like, there are eleven Divas in this game, which you might not think sounds like a lot, but I've been going through these rosters and it's more than any other game from this time period. Like, my favorite wrestling games, SmackDown Vs. Raw 2006 and SmackDown Vs. Raw 2007, each only have seven!
One thing that's very different about this game is that there's no story mode; instead, there's a season mode. In season mode, you and up to four players pick wrestlers and you simulate a season of WWE Action! Each month lasts 3 shows, these being a Raw, a SmackDown, and a Pay Per View, with the Pay Per Views of course being that month's Pay Per View. It's actually really cool, 'cause you can, like, form alliances and make enemies as you chart your way to winning championships!
One thing that might disappoint, which is not the game's fault, is that the two traditional midcard titles, The Intercontinental Championship and the United States Championship, aren't in this game at all. This might seem weird if you don't know wrestling history because both of those titles had been retired until earlier that year, with the United States Championship (which was originally a WCW title) being dropped after the Invasion storyline because the WWE already had its own second midcard title in the European Championship, which was itself dropped in 2002. Then the Intercontinental title, which had always been the more prestigious secondary title, was dropped in October of 2002 becauseā¦ uh, idk, fuck midcarders I guess! And while, yes, the Intercontinental and United States Championships both returned in 2003, they returned in May and July respectively and the game came out in September so I just don't think there was enough time to re-add them to the game.
But moving on from the titles, the season mode kicks ass! Each show is broken down to eight matches for Raw and SmackDown and ten matches for the Pay Per Views, with the exception of King of the Ring and the Royal Rumble which are both just their respective events. You'll always be booked on the show, in case you were worried. Like, I was playing as the super-unpopular Shannon Moore and somehow I always found myself in some sort of match. Every time you win a match, your popularity goes up and, once you reach the popularity of any particular title holder, you can start working your way towards challenging them for a belt.
What's really cool is, in the matches you don't participate in, you can still do things. You've got a whole menu of backstage things you can do each segment! You can set traps against different wrestlers which is where they walk down a hallway and you attempt to drop a box on them. It's funny every time it works and it actually lowers their spirit (which is basically their HP), meaning that if you hit your opponent with a box, you actually make them weaker in a match! But watch out! Sometimes if you set a trap you'll accidentally hit an ally of yours, and, oh man, if you hit an ally, you've just made an enemy for life! And that, my friends, is how me and Crash Holly started a 2.5-year blood feud. I swear for at least six months, whenever I selected the rest option at a show, Crash Holly would attack me backstage, trying to kick my ass. And I do not care that Crash Holly allegedly weighs over 400 pounds because I beat his ass every time! This feud almost resulted in me and Crash Holly facing off for the World Title at fucking Wrestlemania, much to my great amusement, but I accidentally overrode it with a successful callout of Rob Van Damn in my attempts to take his WWE title and become Undisputed Champion (which I did, by the way!).
"Set Trap" is my favorite option because it's funny every time it works, but there are a lot of other great things you can do! You can attempt a surprise attack where you fight somebody backstage, and if you win the fight they take a massive 40 spirit damage (sometimes they aren't there thoughā¦ and be warned, if you choose to rest, you can get attacked too). You can try to manipulate someone into attacking your enemies, which is basically you going up to, say, Billy Kidman backstage and being like "Hey Billy, just so you know, A-Train over there says you have a little dick. Are you gonna take that?". If it works, they beat that person's ass! But if it doesn't, they'll get more hostile towards you! What's weird though is it seems like you only try to manipulate people who hate you. Like, why would Billy Kidman, who despises me, believe that A-Train was talking about his wang? It just doesn't make any sense.
You can also complain to wrestlers, which I imagine is just me walking up to Triple H and being like "Triple H, you coward, you've been ducking me because you know I'll take that title from you!!!". "Complain" and "surprise attack" are the best way to manipulate rivalries with title holders, which leads me to the "call out" option. The "complain" and "call out" features combined with the game's built-in rivalry and ally system can lead to some funny matches. One time a Pay Per View Semi-Main Event made by the GM of Smackdown was me, the World Champion Shannon Moore, taking on Christopher Nowinski. I love when the game books matches like that. It's so funny to think "who the fuck would book this and think it would draw?".
So what the "call out" option does is takes you to the ring where you call out your selected superstar for a match. Doing it before a Pay Per View is the easiest way to get title shots (if it succeeds). You can even steal from other wrestlers, which is really cool because succeeding nets you a piece of their apparel for use in the "create a superstar" mode! Those are just my favorite selections of the things you can do between matches, but there are a couple more boring options.
Multiplayer interacts with this whole backstage system well. You can play with up to four people, which means you'll all be doing different things, whether forming alliances or doing other cool shit like that. One detail I really appreciate is that the initial alliances are based on real world wrestling storylines. Shannon Moore's top ally in-game is Matt Hardy, which makes sense since he was a Hardy follower in the storyline, and his top enemy is Rey Mysterio, which again makes sense because Shannon Moore helped Matt Hardy win the Cruiserweight championship. But you can ditch those alliances and enemies to make new alliances and enemies! Like, one time, I used the "encourage" option on the Undertaker randomly, and it worked! Me and the Undertaker became best friends and frequent tag team partners, even briefly challenging for the Tag Titles! There are even little cutscenes that can play after matches where you'll get beat down by one of your enemies and then one of your allies will make the save! It's really neat and something not really seen on this level in any other WWE game.
One thing I think is weird, though, is it seems the game books you in matches almost completely at random. Like one time me and the Undertaker were teaming one week then the very next week we were facing off against each other a tag team match. Like, come on, game! This booking isn't consistent!
One thing that's especially cool, on the other hand, is that unlike with almost every other game in this era, you can actually play as a Diva in the "story mode", and not only can you as a Diva challenge for the Women's Title, the Divas can actually hold the traditional men's titles! I defended the World Title against both Trish Stratus and Jazz, which makes this (I think) the only game where woman can challenge for men's championships! This gives you not only the ability, but an actual reason to play as Divas outside of exhibition mode! One other thing that's super cool is that you can just change who you are on the fly. Like, hey, are you tired of being Mattitude follower Shannon Moore (as if it that was possible)? Well when you load up season mode, you just choose somebody else! And now suddenly you're Hardcore "Spark Plug" Holly and ready to win the World Championship!
But as good as the season mode is, there are some problems to it! For starters, it's really hard to get title shots for some reason. I got Shannon Moore up to 100 popularity and never got a Cruiserweight title shot until I provoked a rivalry with I think Rey Mysterio? And even my World Title Match, which I got against Goldberg, I got kind of randomly on a random Raw! What's particularly frustrating is you'll build up a rivalry with somebody by surprise attacking and complaining to them, and then they'll just drop the title to somebody else, meaning you have to go through the process again! And I'm like, damn it, game, just let me have the WWE Title! I'm the Prince of Punk!!! Also, I have no idea how you're supposed to get the Tag Titles. My best guess is you're supposed to get a rivalry with the holders of it and then randomly get it assigned a Tag Title match, because it does seem that championship matches will always happen on specific Raws and SmackDowns as well as Pay Per Views. The Cruiserweight and WWE Tag Team title matches happen at SmackDown Pay Per Views and the Women's and the World Tag Team Championship matches happen at Raw Pay Per Views. Both World Titles are defended at every Pay Per View.
Another thing that's annoying is that your rivals can interfere in your matches and, by that, I mean they'll interfere in every match that lasts longer than three minutes. After three minutes, the floodgate opens and up to four of your rivals will interfere (you can only have six wrestlers in the arena at once).
But what's really weird is that they don't even attack you! The game's AI is messed up, so despite the fact that the Houdini of Hardcore Crash Holly hated my guts, he would still always attack my opponent! I like the interference mechanic in theory, but goddamn I don't need it to happen every match! There's also actually a really problematic glitch associated with this mechanic. For some reason, if you're part of a title match and somebody interferes and the title changes hands, the first person who interferes will get the title for some reason? And that, my friends, is the story of how that rat bastard Christopher Nowinski stole my Cruiserweight championship! But sadly the glitch doesn't work if you interfere in a match and the title changes hands. Sadly ending my dreams of Shannon Moore becoming the second ever male WWE Women's Champion, after legendary male WWE Women's Champion Harvey "Hervina" Wippleman.
The match gameplay is unfortunately also pretty lousy! First off, for some reason ,all matches have a ten-minute time limit, which is just a weird call! Now, the controls themselves are actually pretty good. You can walk by pressing the D-pad and you run by using the left stick. Then X does strikes and A does grapples, with different strikes and different grapples happening depending on which direction you press the D-Pad. It's a pretty easy system to learn, although I never did learn how to do an Irish Whip (for those of you who don't know, an Irish Whip is when a wrestler throws their opponent into the ropes), but I also never really needed to.
Unlike the SmackDown games where different body parts (i.e. Head, Arms, Legs, Body) each had their own damage meters with different moves affecting different areas, Raw 2 instead uses a more standard HP meter called the Spirit Meter. While this is undoubtedly simpler from a gameplay standpoint, I think it's kind of silly to do a standard health meter in a sport where different moves are supposed to affect different body parts. Also, I'd argue the Spirit Meter does a shit job of conveying information. The only way you'll know your opponent is in position to be pinned or made to submit is if you do enough damage, which will have the word danger start flashing on your opponent's finisher meter bar! Also, the word "danger" apparently doesn't mean anything, because one time I was wrestling Hulk Hogan in a hardcore match and I swear he hit me with a "That doesn't work for me brother" because I put him in danger like three minutes into our match. I hit him with four finishers and I still couldn't pin him!
This happens a lot where the match just won't end despite you having done everything you could possibly do! I've had matches with people like Tommy Dreamer and Rey Mysterio where nothing I could do seemed to end the match. Like, you'll put them in danger and then hit back-to-back finishers and the game will just go "yeahā¦ but nah" and they'll kick out. Part of this is down to the fact that, for some reason, the Raw 2 developers (who I'll remind you don't have a Wikipedia page) decided to give the refs multiple count speeds! And I'm pretty sure the count speeds are random! You'll hit your finisher, go to pin your opponent, and the ref will slow count the shit out of you!!! It's so frustrating! Why are there multiple count speeds and why are so many of them so goddamn slow?! Just let me pin Tommy Dreamer! I don't care that he's the innovator of violence; he's still just Tommy Dreamer!
The Special Matches are a mixed bag as well. Some of them are pretty fun like the Hardcore and Street Fight match types, which are cool. They're especially cool because, if you go into "create a superstar" mode, you can actually edit wrestlers already in the game and set what items will appear under the ring. And there's some pretty fun items like a judge's gavel, a giant tuna, or my favorite, a stuffed poodle! I think all the items do the same amount of damage and the variety is just for fun.
Another thing that's really neat about the Hardcore matches is that each WWE wrestler in the game has their own set items that can appear under the ring, and some of them have items that are unique to their characters. Goldust will pull out a Golden Trash can (a reference to his Hardcore title match against Maven at Wrestlemania 18) and Triple H will pull out his signature Sledgehammer. I really like how they paid attention to the easy-to=miss details of the various WWE Superstars.
On the flipside, the Cage Match and Table Match are both pretty jank! With the table match, you can just climb on a table and, if your opponent follows you then you can just hit them with a move and break the table and win. With the Cage Match, the CPU AI is bugged so that the second you attempt to climb the cage to escape, it'll also try to climb the cage, making it just a button mash-off.
The Hell in a Cell, though, is pretty cool. You can break down the door of the cell and climb to the top. Then if you knock your opponent off, you win by KO and there are special moves that happen! But then the Royal Rumble match sucks! You're always guaranteed to start at one and, for some reason, you start with four superstars in the ring. which isn't how the Royal Rumble works! Also, you can climb out of the ring, which, while yes that is legally something you can do in a Royal Rumble, it is not an option in any other WWE game! But be warned, if you do leave the ring then you will be eliminated if you stay out too long for, uh, some reason.
The Royal Rumble is also weird because the CPU AI in this game is super weird for multi-man matches. Unlike most games, where if you strike a CPU they'll start targeting you, in Raw 2 CPUs just get, like, stuck against their target and seemingly nothing will shift their target. This can be a real pain because it means if all 3 CPUs target you, then nothing but leaving the ring will change their target! This is probably one of the worst Royal Rumbles I've seen in any WWE Game. I usually just cheap shot dropkicks against the ropes and then follow up with a drop kick. For some reason that just sends them out of the ring! Also, unlike real wrestling, the Royal Rumble doesn't get you a title shot at Wrestlemania in season mode. instead, it just makes you Royal Rumble Champion, whatever that means.
But I have a special hatred in my heart for Raw 2's Ladder and TLC match! A pretty standard gimmick match, the goal is to climb the ladder and retrieve whatever object is up there. But in this game, it barely works! Not only is it an absolute pain in the ass to figure out where you need to place the ladder, but when you climb the top of the ladder the game doesn't even give you the button prompt for how you're supposed to grab the object! And in case you're wondering, no, the instructional manual does not tell you what button to press either, don't be an idiot! You have to press the weird black button to jump off the ladder and hopefully onto the belt if you selected the right spot! But that's not all, because then the game tells you to press any button repeatedly! But, hey, some of the buttons don't actually work for this! One time I mashed the A button for a full minute and did not retrieve the belt!
As if this wasn't jank enough, you won't keep your opponent down that long, so what happens is they climb the ladder and they jump up to retrieve the belt. If you want to win, here's what you actually have to do. Once you jump up towards the belt, you have to mash the X and A Button while spinning the left stick as fast as possible, and you have to do this for at least fifteen seconds if not longer! And to make matters worse if you don't retrieve it fast enough your opponent will climb that ladder and jump up to retrieve the belt. And everytime this has happened to me eventually the game has just gone "fuck you" and either my character then let's go of the belt while my opponent stayed on the belt and before I could climb back up they unhooked the belt and won. Or twice we fell at the same time but the game said "fuck you" again and my opponent is the one who fell with the belt in hand! Fuck this match and fuck whoever programmed it! What are we doing?! I would say the vast majority of my losses are in these stupid ladder matches. Because of this I usually just play for the time out in these matches because they are not worth it!
The "create a superstar" mode is super good and is probably the standout of the whole package. For starters, you can actually edit the superstars in-game. Like not only can you change their movesets, but you can even change their appearances! Do you wanna give Triple H a giant cowboy hat and John Cena's Dr. of Thuganomics chain? Well, this is the game for you! There are like seventy different hats in this game for some reason and each hat has subcategories that are different colors for that hat! The cowboy hat has like thirty different colors you can pick from! Althoughā¦ there is no propeller beanie, which I was disappointed by, buuuut I don't know, maybe that says more about me than Raw 2ā¦
The actual superstars feature a more limited "create a character" mode. Like, you can't change their proportions, which personally I think is bullshit! Give me long-armed Molly Holly, damn it! But you can completely change their entrance! Do you want the Undertaker to come out using Rey Myserio's entrance moves while Rikishi's theme song plays? Then, oh, do I have the game for you! Less limited, the actual full create a character option is super silly. Not only can you change standard stuff like height, skin tone, and appearance, but you can also change individual body parts. You can make the left arm super long and buff while making the right arm super short and not buff at all. You can make the legs super skinny while making the torso super big. It's amazing and you can make so many different silly things.
You can make giant monsters or wrestlers who are about as big as a turnbuckle! That's not even getting into the entrance edit mode, because, oh man, this might be the most in-depth entrance editor in any WWE game. You can edit specific spotlight configurations. You can not only set your pyro but even set the exact second that pyro will appear in the entrance. One thing I really like is that you can set a signature weapon and, not only can you set it to appear during your entrance, but if you play a Hardcore or Street Fight, then you'll start with that weapon in hand! The only thing you really can't edit is the titantron video, but I mean, how were you supposed to be able to upload custom ones in 2003? One thing you can do, and this is just really cool, is use MP3s on your Xbox as theme songs for wrestlers. I distinctly remember using Toby Keith's "As Good As I Once Was" for Ric Flair's theme song as a kid. There's just so many things you can do both with your own superstars and even the ones in the game! It's one of the few create a character modes that I've actively really dug into! And it's universally considered one of the standouts of Raw 2!
That's really all there is for Raw 2. There are a couple other modes like Theater mode where you can watch wrestlers' titantron videos, which I totally did as a kid. Then there's King of the Ring and Tournament mode which are just playing through a King of the Ring tournament or a different tournament. You could make the argument that Raw 2 is light on content. The season mode isn't even a full story mode and that's the only substantial piece of content in this game, so I can see how somebody would say this is a pretty barebones experience!
So the question we have to ask is, is Raw 2 a good game? And more importantly is it good enough to justify buying a whole ass original Xbox for? LOL, no, not really. But, I don't know, I had a lot of fun with it! I played through almost three full seasons of season mode as Shannon Moore and never really got bored. There's a lot of really cool stuff in this game that I think should get brought back for future games, like the ability to customize what weapons will appear during Hardcore matches, or just the ability to do all the backstage shenanigans (which, as far as I can tell, has never been in another game). But there's also a lot of polish missing. There's no commentary in this game, so generic rock just plays during matches, and the soundtrack is pretty barebones. Outside of the wrestlers' entrance themes. there are no real iconic songs like the "Big Train Rolling Down the Line Makes Me Worry" like there is in SmackDown Vs. Raw 2007. But the game does have "Across the Nation", and that's the best Raw theme song ever created! Throw in unappealing match gameplay and some poorly thought-out gameplay and match mechanics, and, unfortunately, Raw 2 is a very mixed game with a lot of really good ideas that are kind of wrapped up in a pretty mediocre-to-bad package.
Graphic Novel Review
| Usagi Yojimbo: 40th Anniversary Reader | |
|---|---|
| |
| Author | Stan Sakai |
| Release date | 2024 |
| Genre | historical fiction |
| Pages | 144 |
| Available From | |
Greetings, readers! Welcome back to another Graphic Novel Review! This time, Iāll be reading and reviewing Usagi Yojimbo: 40th Anniversary Reader by Stan Sakai!
This book, like the review of Maus I did a couple years ago, was a library pick chosen specifically for this column. If you have ever gone to a bookstore and spent more than five minutes in the manga section, you will have seen at least one volume of Stan Sakaiās Usagi Yojimbo. Itās a massively long running story, with at least 10 large volumes of comics to check out. For me, Iāve always been a little curious about these, but Iāve stayed away mostly due to lack of shelf space. The only exposure I have had to Miyamoto Usagi is the cameo appearance he made in the 2003 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated show (my personal favorite TMNT adaptation), and needless to say, he only appeared in a handful of episodes there. So I am as much of a newcomer as the average Joe, and this collection notes that it is perfect for newcomers. Letās take a look, shall we?
This graphic novel is a collection of fan-favorite stories published for the 40th anniversary of the series. Itās not heavy on lore, so if you are looking for a detailed explanation of Usagi Miyamoto and his motivations, you will leave disappointed. The last story of the collection tells one story of his past and how he became a ronin (samurai without a master), but it doesnāt delve much deeper than that. Usagi is loyal, honorable, and fights for justice; he will leap to defend those who cannot defend themselves and he will fight injustice wherever he goes. He really doesnāt have much of a personality beyond that, at least in this collection. We get a short, one page story where he hangs out with his nephew, but thatās about the only time when his walls come down and heās not a warrior for justice. Iām a little conflicted about this; on one hand, it bothers me a little that we get so little of his personality, but on the other hand, this collection is meant to whet your appetite to check out the rest of the books in the series (and our publisher Dark Horse does have a list in the back of the book showing you all the other books they sell). I would say that this collection emphasizes what values he fights for more than who he is as a person, and if you enjoy a more action-driven story than a character-driven story, you would probably like this collection.
Iāll cover a couple of the stories I liked this most next. āChanoyuā is a story that was released in color for the first time in this collection, and it is a very low-dialogue story where we watch Usagi participate in a formal Japanese tea ceremony (āChanoyuā literally means tea ceremony). Over this summer, I had the opportunity to take an art class at my local sculpture park where we made matcha tea bowls, and the class included a look at a traditional Japanese dwelling where a guide talked us through chanoyu, and reading this story caused that memory to come rushing back to me. Usagi is invited into the tea house formally, the tea is prepared, and comic walks you through the process of preparing, serving, and drinking the tea. Itās much more involved than an English tea, where you are served a bowl that is hand-chosen for you by the host, who hand-prepares the tea right in front of you. The position of the bowl is important, you must be careful to rotate the bowl correctly so the front is facing the other person when you are not drinking from it, the whole ceremony is lovely and so intricate. Iām hoping that next year I can get a chance to go back to the sculpture park and attend the actual tea ceremonies they hold throughout the year. If youāve never seen a tea ceremony, this story is a neat look at what goes on and some of the traditions involved.
Another story I enjoyed was "Buntori". Usagi decides to take a break from his traveling and falls asleep against a tree, and when he wakes up in the middle of the night, two samurai are fighting right in front of him! Before he can intervene, however, he realizes that they are ghosts, and this fight took place in the past. He follows the ghosts, watching as they fight, one of the samurai winning and taking his opponentās head as a trophy before he is forced to flee as the othersā comrades come to avenge their fellow samurai. This felt like something right out of a video game, especially the ending, where Usagi finds the resting place of the slain samuraiās head and returns it to the body so the spirit can pass on. Honestly, the whole collection gives me JRPG vibes, which is probably why I liked the plots of the stories so much. It reminds of sidequests Iāve done, especially in the Shin Megami Tensei series.
Overall, I really liked this collection! I would agree that it is a good starting point to test whether or not you would want to read more of Usagiās story, and you can decide for yourself if you want to seek out more books or not. Itās not unreasonably violent, there are a few scenes with blood but I would liken it to your average Star Wars movie- thereās nothing graphic but there is action and fighting with a sword. If youāre a person who enjoys Japanese culture and mythology or likes to learn about Japan, I would recommend this collection to you as a lot of the subject matter deals with samurai, battling and technique, and traditions.
Thatās all for me this month, readers! Join me next time for a new Book Review!
Written by: Hypnotoad (talk)
Art by: Gabumon (talk)
Ready-to-drink Coffee
Heyyyy, remember when I did that coffee drink fakeout for the Elder Scrolls cookbook? Well, itās time to give those coffee drinks a fair chance! As I said then, I actually really like the smell, taste, flavor, all that of coffee, but never actually go and get it because I donāt have an addictive need for it and not quite sure if Iām ever in a place where I can deal with the bladder-filling effects in a way I care for. I actually do have a coffee maker, but Iāve never taken it out of the box and am not sure I even have the counter space for it, but I can certainly cram a dozen more cans into my fridge and only remember theyāre there when thereās like two days left in its shelf life.
Thereās a wild amount of prepared coffee available to buy, including concentrates, half gallons, etc., but what Iāll be focusing on this month will be ready-to-drink cans as thatās the most accessible and also what I can see as the fastest growing area of cold drink sections. This will also be an easier review for me to curate and accumulate as Iāll be on the road and on vacation for much of the working period of this section, and whatās better to drink on the road than seven cans of unchecked caffeine when Iām already noticing a steadily-increasing regular blood pressure?
Starbucks
Announced in 2022 and finally released by March 2024, Starbucks overhauled their ready-to-drink coffees with both new and ārefreshedā fan favorites. Starbucks has a lot of baggage on each end of the various political spectrum, and it would take me quite a while to get into all of it and construct a dartboard of final opinions to throw my thoughts at, but itās so much easier to just be braindead for a moment and acknowledge that Starbucks is everywhere, everyone is drinking it, and that I want to review something a bit more down-to-earth that more people actually have a chance of getting.
White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino
I used to drink their Mocha Frappuccinos like it was necessary to survive when I was a teenager, and by the time I got to college I feel like I immediately stopped because I no longer had access to Restaurant Depot sized bulk boxes of them. With my changed palate into adulthood, and perhaps some reformulations, Iām just curious to see how Iād like these. This one is actually the only one in the Starbucks set that Iām reviewing that isnāt new as of 2024, but I had to snag it for a few reasons: It was the closest the Mocha Fraps I always got, I wanted to see how white chocolate would stretch the definition of a mocha, but primarily because these were on sale for $3.99 Buy Two Get One Free and had to pick something. I packed all three up with me for a 10 hour road trip to keep me moving as well as instill some sense of āhey Iām still sorta being productive with this review, right?ā in me while I blew a full day effectively doing nothing but spending $100 on gas and immediately burning it all.
As opposed to milk or dark chocolate, white chocolate lacks cocoa solids and as a result tends to be sweeter, creamier, with a more buttery feel given that it has a higher relative cocoa butter content; itās these qualities Iām expecting to notice in this. It has a shockingly accurate and faithful taste. Very sweet, but not noxious; mellow, but willful. The texture is very smooth and creamy, dare I say luscious and full thanks to wonderful thickeners added. Oddly, I can't find the caffeine dosage, implying this is more of a dessert drink than coffee, but regardless is a metric I would like to keep track of given how many of these I plan on drinking in the span of 12 hours. The information (75 mg) is, for some reason, located on the official PepsiCo Product Facts website, which looks to be an absolutely stellar bank of information that should exist in more contexts, but do remember that this is only necessary because they did not put the information on their bottles and no actual functional US website seems to exist for their ready-to-drink lineup.
Iām kinda upset I tried this one first, because I donāt have anything left in my cooler on this road trip. Iāll have to reconsider any other white chocolate flavors now, as this showed that it can be done without it tasting like heartless paste.
Dark Chocolate Brownie Oatmilk Frappuccino Chilled Coffee Drink
For the most part, Starbucks uses Oatly Barista Edition Oatmilk, as MANY cafĆ©s, bakeries, and other coffee retailers do, though I canāt find any confirmation that this is what they use in the ready-to-drink bottles. Iām assuming not, as I think it would be a highlighted partnership, but it's sorta telling and validating of my opinions that they have swapped out with other oat milks depending on region and availability without much notice.
Dark Chocolate Brownie is a name that suggests to me more intense chocolate taste, perhaps a fudgy ideal supported by the thickness oat milk, cellulose gel, cellulose gum, and carrageenan can offer. Coming back to these Starbucks drinks has me realizing just how relatively sweet these are compared to the more āwholesomeā drinks I end up getting nowadays. Not getting ābrownieā from this at all, barely any chocolate taste as well to begin with before we even consider whether it's dark or not. What chocolate taste that is there is very much naked cocoa, which has this leaning more towards a sad waiting room hot chocolate taste to me rather than a brownie, which I would expect to be more rich and fudgy. I am getting the oat taste, though, as I feared, and though thereās a good sweetness here and nice creaminess, itās a bit boring and doesnāt meet expectations.
Caramel Waffle Cookie Oatmilk Frappuccino Chilled Coffee Drink
Both Oatmilk Frappuccinos have 55 mg of caffeine, which is well under the standard 95-100 mg of caffeine in a traditional cup of coffee, with this information continuing to be only available on this very dry website. Donāt get me wrong, I appreciate the clear-cut information and clickable information panels in the ingredients list, but this just isnāt inspiring in any way, isnāt cool, hip, fun, eye-catching, misses out on a lot of the oatmilk-drinker market aside from the sheer fact of making the option available, which is a lesson PepsiCo shouldāve already learned. This particular flavor is Caramel Waffle Cookie, which feels very stroopwafely to me, so Iām expecting a bit more than just a salted caramel taste I can get with literally anything else available out there and instead something a bit sweeter, a bit more warm, a bit buttery, maybe even a tinge of cinnamon if we wanna be bold.
Very sweet caramel taste, which I did not expect and am rather glad to have exist; not like the more desiccating experience salted caramel often brings, but more along the line of the smooth chewy caramel taste you get from freshly dipped caramel apples. The oat flavor is well-hidden, which Iām personally grateful for as I just donāt like the taste of oat milk to begin with, but I just donāt think tasting the oat milk should be the goal of it as an alternative but rather its textural mimicry of true dairy. A bit of warmth and nuttiness, dare I say complexity, that does offer the suggestion of a waffle within here somewhere, nearly as much as this suggests the presence of coffee taste. There being āCookieā in the nameāother than it being a convention for this particular lineāis likely an attempt to subliminally prep taste sensors for a liquefied stroopwafel experience to help this subtlety along some.
One aspect I really like about these Frappuccino bottles is that theyāre glass and have a resealable lid. Too many of these coffee drinks are pull tab cans that you need to commit to, and having these Starbucks ones be resealable allowed me to comfortably place them back in my cooler between sips, rather than my carās cup holder, as I knew they wouldnāt spill.
Cold Brew Chocolate Cream
Cold brew coffee is a different extraction process that purportedly yields a more smooth, mellow, and less bitter taste, said to feel creamy and taste sweet enough to not need to add any milk or sugar to have a more crowd-friendly experience, and even gave a mild chocolate taste to it. In practice, though, every single cold brew coffee I've had has been noticeably more astringent, acidic, and bitter, despite that being exactly what it's not supposed to be. With that description I'm left to assume that there's almost no ready-to-drink cold brew coffee out there that's any good or made well at allāat best, improper dilutions from the base concentrateāand the rapid expansion of this category in grocery retail has left me bewildered and confused.
The Starbucks ready-to-drink Cold Brews represent an on-the-go version of their in-store cold brews that have been around since 2016, and come in a few simple flavors: Chocolate Cream, Vanilla Sweet Cream, and Salted Caramel Cream. I chose to not burden myself with the salted caramel flavor as I already knew I wouldnāt like it as Iām already not a fan of their in-store caramel, but the others seemed appealing. The first I tried was the Chocolate Cream, There's a very subtle telltale cold brew bitterness (that I guess isnāt actually supposed to be there at all, but here it is!), but otherwise unremarkable from many other Starbucks retail drinks. Similar chocolate flavor to their other chocolate/mocha drinks, an alright creaminess, slightly darker coffee flavor that you can tell is there, but itās such a minute difference that I truly donāt understand why this product exists except only to fill a sub-category niche. Iām sorry, but thereās really nothing else to say about this; drink this if you like how a mocha frap tastes but you need a severe spike in caffeine.
Cold Brew Vanilla Sweet Cream
Drinking this makes the chocolate in the other one more obvious to me, which sounds like Iām saying this presents such a lack of flavor that it makes something thatās rather dull shine, and yeah that is kinda what Iām getting at, but also that this one has a brighter freshness as opposed to the slight nuttiness and warmth chocolate can bring. That being said, I'm not sure what the vanilla is actually doing here flavorwise, perhaps just giving more of a palatable creaminess to support the eponymous sweet cream, but I wish vanilla got a little more respect and opportunity to glow. The sweetness in this is very pleasant, but strikes me as misplaced and inappropriate as it effectively nullifies the cold brew twang and more serious dark brew feel, to the extent that I don't know why they even bothered. I suppose the purpose of this is to be cold brew in name only to protect the dignity of bidding coffee snobs who still want to enjoy sweeter pick-me-up without sacrificing their beany street cred, much in the way of a Liquid Death IPA-cosplay protecting self-conscious designated drivers.
As I continue pounding these Starbucks drinks down, I'm more cognizant of how the Cold Brews also do not list the caffeine content anywhere on the can at all, only available once again on the PepsiCo Product Facts website wherein it reveals these Cold Brews at a relative whopping 165 mg of caffeineāthree times the amount of the Frappuccinos, and more than a standard Monster energy drink. With the recommended max safe dosage being 400 mg per day for a healthy adult, the two of these that I drank within 3 hours is probably the most dangerous thing Iāve done in a while, offering a sense of thrill and excitement in my otherwise dull life. This also being available in a 40 fl oz container presents a severe risk assuming that those containers also fail to list the caffeine content and is a genuine public food safety concern that needs to be talked about more. Itās also notable that this exploded on me after the āgentle shakeā I gave it, which is less of a complaint and more another bonus point given to the bottle design of the Frappuccinos.
I can only assume that the very basic flavors available for the Starbucks Cold Brews is because the added cream and flavors end up pushing the cold brews closer to what many people allege it to taste like on its own, despite constant infographs and PR statements bragging about how customizable and wild cold brew can be; like putting chocolate frosting on a freezer burnt chocolate cake instead of anything different because you're more worried about fixing the base expectation than making something interesting.
As a bonus, please watch one of my favorite food reviewers, Tami Dunn, just absolutely thrash Starbucks Cold Brew in a way that had me cackling while watching it.
Nguyen
Americaās first specialty Vietnamese coffee company, Nguyen imports directly from Vietnamese farmers to roast the beans at their setup in Brooklyn, with a company mission of diversity, sustainability, and cultural integrity, many things that are currently being rolled back or under attack. They offer a variety of roast styles, using arabica and robusta beans at different roast levels, but what Iām here for are their RTD beverages. Pivoting themselves as an underdog in the field, pushing cheaper robusta beans over the classier arabica in what has been said to be a move ājava snobs hateā, alongside their inclusive and collective push, and their founderās background in activism, Nguyen Coffee promises to be a forced of good in the world. 100% natural ingredients, gluten-free, Letās see if I want to help by continuing with purchasing their products after trying them!
Classic Black
At an incredible 220 mg caffeine in this dinky standard 7.5 fl oz can, Nguyenās Classic Black lives up to the name Vietnamese coffees have earned for being incredibly potent. The reason for this is regular use of robusta, tendency for darker roasts, but particularly the use of phin filters. Right away, though, all Iām sensing is that it smells burnt. Iām by no means a big coffee drinker, but Iāve been around dark roasts before and know how they smell, and the only time Iāve smelled something this particular way of burnt is when coffee dripped onto a coffee makerās hot plate and actually got burnt, so I know that this is burnt burnt.
Beyond that, itās just really watery, and Iām aware that making it less watery would increase the caffeine level and create a more intense coffee flavor, but Iām on the fence of which one Iād prefer here. Thereās not much flavor, but what is there is not very pleasant, so Iām leaning more towards cutting it with even more water. Adding a splash of milk and a few spoonfuls of sugar absolutely saved this, which does bode well for if I decide one day to become a ground coffee snob and try out Nguyenās bags to make myself, but I just donāt think that this Classic Black is something Iād imagine would be good for a quick to-go drink, and if energy is that badly needed by someone I think thatās just a sign of bigger problems. Thereās speculation and research on why some people prefer black coffee, and while a bit of it is sensationalized along the lines of saying āthey might be a psychopathā, thereās more data towards genetic variations related to faster metabolism combined with lifestyle choices towards being more active and healthy, needing the higher amount of caffeine and energy, and eschewing the sugar and milk. If this is the sacrifice needed to be made for a healthier lifestyle, Iād rather just chip the 5 years off my life and not have to deal with this again, and this is also how a lot of younger people feel, too.
Condensed Milk
With this oneās caffeine sitting at 180 mg, drinking both of these immediately put me at the maximum recommended safe limit, which I think is a bit nuts, but at least itās clearly visible on their cans. The high level of caffeine is actually an advertised feature, highlighted on the cans as a benefit of robusta beans, along with 60% less sugar and 2x the antioxidants compared to arabica. Their Condensed Milk flavor is exactly the same as their Classic Black, both using Vietnamese robusta beans with a cold brew process, but the Condensed Milk has quite a few more ingredients; aside from the obvious condensed milk, thereās also gum acacia, calcium carbonate, natural flavors, and gellan gum, which are all to decrease acidity, stabilize, and thicken.
These added bits bring this back to tasting fine, having a slight caramelized flavor rather than the stale burnt rot of the Classic Black, but I feel like it could be more. While the taste is better, it now has curious textural qualities, i.e. chunky bits that Iām not too sure what they are, and am just assuming itās bits of coagulated condensed milk. Iām confused because they did use stabilizers and thickeners, so Iām not sure what went wrong, but maybe they need to use more or just rework their process because this should not be happening still when I shake the can half to death before opening it. Not bad, but I would never willingly buy this again when there exists so many more options out there that just get this right. I appreciate what theyāre doing for supporting the underdog types, promoting clean energy, climate resilience, etc., but if youāre going to make yourself the leading name in this push then you just gotta have a good product, please, you have to, because now all youāre doing is showing the snobs that theyāre right.
I do have to say I got these on clearance at Sprouts for 2/$3, an incredible discount from their regular price of $4.99, and later saw these pushed with the Discontinued tag on shelves. I get that Sprouts regularly swaps items out, I know how they function as a company because I do know people within it, but itās just not a good sign to see something like this get pushed out so quickly. Knowing what I do now about how these taste, $4.99 is just so intensely irresponsible to charge given the expectation of quality that price entails. A buck fifty is about exactly how much these are worth, because itās worse tasting than the drip at 7-Eleven, and worse quality than expired product would yield. Until Nguyen figures out what went wrong in their production process to get the separation under control, I just donāt think theyāre ready for shelves.
Nguyen does have one other ready-to-drink flavor currently, Coconut Milk, being their sole alt-dairy option. I just never saw it available at any Sprouts of Whole Foods theyāre currently sold at near me, but perhaps would be available at the many other locations they can be found at, including select Targets and all kinds of local natural foods stores. Maybe if I do a bagged coffee bean review Iāll include this in there, but itāll need heavy customization, and at that point would it even be a fair review?
Taika
Self-titled a āstealth healthā brand, Taikaās About page is alarmingly devoid of any useful information beyond statements that itās different, better, delicious, creative, things that make me immediately suspicious of whatās going on here. On top of that, their Chief Creative Officer is Taika Waititi, which frightened me initially thinking he was the founder, but all this amounts to is essentially advertisement using his star power as a brand ambassador because he just happens to have the same name. Just know that I do not like him or his movies, and his presence did not aid my decision in purchasing these but rather my ignorance of it is what allowed it to happen. Saying that drinking Taika is what helps Taika Waititi conjure up his creative projects isnāt exactly the encouragement Iād say it is, but I guess thereās a lot more people out there who like him and his stupid movie decisions than there are mes in the world, and since Iāve already bought these I guess I should give these an honest fair try. The actual founders being a world-famous barista and a Facebook project manager has certain implications behind everything happening here that I feel have already been validated.
Before that, though, we need to address Taika touting adaptogens. Their inclusion here is listed in larger font than their use of macadamia milk, which is genuinely a unique aspect theyāve cornered. Each can includes their āTaika Creative Blendā, which consists of L-Theanine, ashwagandha, and lionās mane, which are intended to reduce anxiety, reduce stress, and support brain health and creativity. These herbal additives are mostly unregulated in the food industry, not tested for safety or efficacy, with benefits that are not very well understood, and side effects and interactions with other medications that are equally not understood, with a current federal administration that is weakening the FDAās ability to test and regulate. The crunchy mom to right-wing lunatic line has been formed and empowered, and I just canāt get into anything that feeds into these esoteric health trends that are centered in a distrust of established medicine and scientific understanding all because an LA influencer had some vibes in a TikTok. Taika has put forth press releases and interviews that say they merge tech and food science, their products are scientifically supported, perfectly calibrated, that they āonly use FDA GRAS certified natural plant extracts and functional mushrooms that have legit scientific evidence validating their effectiveness and safetyā, but unless I see those reports Iām going to remain suspicious and assume this is just PR spin. All Iām saying is: donāt take marketing by companies receiving tens of millions of dollars in funding to push products along trend lines for their word, have a healthy level of caution, some critical thinking to see what makes sense and whatās bullshit, whoās telling you what information, what source, what confirmation, and until then maybe stop trusting esoteric and ill-defined adaptogens to solve your life.
Alright.
Mocha Latte
Plant-based, gluten-free, non-GMO, dairy-free, hitting a lot of the proper notes for labels to attach. Itās curious that the ingredient list currently posted on their website looks a lot more slim than whatās on the can, completely missing the gum acacia, natural flavors, pea protein, sunflower lecithin, monk fruit, gellan gum, and locust bean gum, because I assume that all of these carry some kind of baggage that would further divide their audience into different pools of lunatics, and itās just not good economics to appeal to only one kind of lunatic. I havenāt even tried these yet and I already hate this company, but their Mocha Latte is really creamy, and really tasty, in a way that feels simply relative to the gauntlet of dishwater I had just tried. This is proof that all it takes to make a serviceable latte drink is 1) it tastes like coffee, and 2) it has noticeable creaminess. So many others completely miss one or both of these that it blew my mind when I came across one that did it. I credit these positives to some quality ingredients theyāve used like Guittard cocoa, but primarily the list of ingredients they tried to shove under the rug, and I fear that making a genuinely delicious and good-feeling ready-to-drink latte like this will end up pushing more people to thinking itās because of their Creative Blend of adaptogens when itās actually all of those delicious fillers, emulsifiers, stabilizer, and thickeners that everyone is petrified of and thinks it gives them gas. I feel bad that this kind of marketing and pivoting is whatās seen as necessary to put a product on shelves, but how much of it is being a victim of the market, and how much is being the purposeful drivers when you wind up being such a powerful and well-financed company thatās able to just burst into the scene like this?
Matcha Latte
Following trends and customer demand, Taika made a Matcha Latte. Using ceremonial-grade matcha and the same list of ingredients they donāt want you to know about, Taika has found their spot in gen-z attention spans as the first ever functional matcha latte made with macadamia milk. I do think that using macadamia milk is good, albeit a potentially expensive option, but when people are already brainwashed to be spending $6 on a cup of coffee, it feels like a natural transition to help put some more action into a landscape currently dominated by oat milk.
Unfortunately, all I have to say about this is it smells like corn, and tastes like what Iād imagine corn milk to be. Itās smooth, creamy, a bit more sweet than I expected, and very much tastes like corn. I could hardly drink any more of it without laughing and questioning my sanity, handing it over to others and having them come to the same conclusion, before just dumping it out because I donāt want to be drinking full-of-itself corn milk. Iāve had matcha before, and matcha-flavored products, and I do understand that thereās a bit of sweet grassiness to them thatās rather unique, but I canāt emphasize that this specifically tasted like corn-flavored milk.
As a final note, come on, who are we fooling with āstealth healthā? These products were pushed in the famously down-to-earth San Francisco tech sphere and the high-brow Los Angeles Erewhon scene before anything, where this exact category is what people are intensely open about, and beyond that this is just attempts to make healthier a product that was never that unhealthy to begin with. Get over yourselves. Can another companyāthatās not Milkadamia, eitherāmake some more macadamia drinks? Is this how I make my break into consumer goods?
Narra
Narra boasts three flavors currentlyāBlack Milk Tea, Roasted Oolong Milk Tea, and Strawberry Matcha Latteāthat all carry the same features: oat milk-based, dairy-free, vegan, low sugar, non-GMO, gluten-free, no artificial ingredients, and 50-60 mg of natural caffeine and L-theanine. I found Narra at an Earth Fare apparently during the week of their launch somewhere in South Carolina, where I typically go when I want to find some stuff I canāt find anywhere else. A large yellow 2/$7 sign drew my attention and, as many shoppers initially do, made my decision almost entirely on that. Their Product Finder indicates that they are also available at The Fresh Market, World Market, and many other regional and small natural and high-end grocery stores. Narraās founder emphasize their Filipino heritage with their flavors, with intentions for Narra to be part of a daily merienda, a traditional midday snack to recharge, providing just a pleasant boost rather than a ābig energy blastā so that thereās no crash or jitters.
As an aside, I really like trying out these new brands and foods I typically canāt find everywhere, because they often have an Instagram or similar where you can see their humble beginnings and watch every step of their business process bubble up. Their early marketing, product designs, local events, trade shows, other small companies that lean on each other for support, the humanity behind it, just incredibly interesting to me and genuinely refreshing to have.
Black Milk Tea Oat Latte
Yet another oat milk drink, Iām honestly getting pretty sick of it, but there really isnāt much out there for comparable creaminess so I canāt render this as a fault of Narra; just begging food scientists to please PLEASE find something else to use, please! Yet, Narra uses gum acacia and gellan gum in hereāstill flying under their promise of nothing artificialāto aid in the smoothness. The flavor described on the can is āMalty, Bold & Creamyā and, yeah, definitely got a maltiness to it, definitely creamy, unfortunately a little bit of that familiar oat taste that I donāt ever want to taste again; I think the only thing bold about it is the smell that I canāt pinpoint what itās from, likely the raw demerara sugar thatās giving it a bit of molasses taste that you typically donāt get in a basic black milk tea.
I wonāt say it tastes bad, it truly doesnāt; it was just an unexpected difference that I suppose people used to cramming as many alternatives to basics into their foods would be aware of. I can just credit Narra for introducing me to demerara sugar in a way I can identify what it is, and know that maybe itās something I can try for some cookie recipes, but itās not something I want in a milk tea.
Roasted Oolong Milk Tea
Very different taste from their black tea, but leans very normal. The oat milk, demerara sugar, monk fruit juice, everything that would typically give off a peculiar flavor is well-masked. Sweet, nutty, toasty, exactly as the can says, and I love it when the self-description is actually accurate. Only 50 mg of caffeine, which is what they say is the equivalent of half a cup of coffee, so I'm not really expecting much of an energy boost and subsequent crash, and just a nice pick-me-up exactly as Narra intends. Along with oolong tea, the ingredients also list hojicha tea, which I feel adds to the roasted and nutty flavor in a nice way. It just feels fresh, I donāt want to say ācleanā as that leads down a dark rabbit hole, but thereās just nothing that feels off about this. Refreshing, sweet, floral, warm, rich, smooth, just a lovely drink that does exactly what it sets out for and won over a fan of this brand and now an interest in exploring similar flavors.
I appreciate these cans saying āvegan & no fake stuffā while still using chemical names, āgumā, and technical acronyms, as it leans into that hooey nonsense just a little bit but doesn't fully drive into the spiked wall of ānothing you can't pronounce!!ā. This review I found while researching made me really mad, as itās just vile for no logical reason, and I feel itās important for me to break it down a little so we can all have an exercise in how reviews in the line of Michelle Kās can be so wildly unhelpful and wrong:
So you want artificial or unnatural coloring despite the liquid not being visible in its original can all so you can give yourself an aesthetic pour? If you āgetā that thereās other ingredients in there that have their own colors and chemistry, then you wouldnāt be making this statement now, would you?When I first poured a can of the Strawberry Matcha Latte into a cup, the first thing I noticed which was super off if you're a matcha connoisseur-the murky color. I get that you're combining oat milk, strawberry, and matcha together, but it doesn't have that delightful green that matcha entails.
Their website actually has all the information you need, and the earliest snapshot of their website well over a year before your own post has all of the relevant information as well, so what kind of transparency were you looking for? Your bizarre suspicion is āvery sussā to me, actually.Even though monk fruit is the last ingredient on the nutrition label, it ended up overpowering the remainder of the ingredients in this drink and honestly holding a magnifying glass closer, their website does not have any transparency as to what is in the drink...which is very suss.
Looking past the fact that monk fruit and cane sugar are ABSOLUTELY natural as your goalpost-moving definition likely picks at processing as a black-and-white evil with artificial meaning just something you donāt like, the reason honey isnāt used is because itās insanely expensive and will affect the taste in a way Narra perhaps did not want.I actually had to do a Google image for their nutritional label, after I threw the can away and began to scratch my head as to why a natural and authentic brand like Narra has to use both monk fruit and sugarcane as "natural" sweeteners in all their drinks-why not honey instead?
With your final complaint being the high price, combined with your complete misunderstanding of the economics behind decisions made, Iām curious what perfect oat-based strawberry matcha latte will look like and be made with because Iām not going to just let you get by saying youād rather have a different item (regular matcha latte) without you explaining how youāll do it. And to that end, please link me to your local small business cafe, their menu, their recipes, and an exhaustive list of virtues that bound the hurdles youāve laid out here for Narra. You are everything wrong with critical reviews and I hope you never experience a satisfying sip of anything again in your life.At ~$5/can, I would prefer to either support my local small business cafe or make my own matcha latte.
My only complaint with their Roasted Oolong Milk Tea is that this is a 7.5 fl oz can and I could probably drink a gallon. With this being 2/$7 and full price for a 3rd if I got it, I very easily chose to not get the Strawberry Matcha as my own personal tastes would undoubtedly render an unfair negative review; though other reviews say that you can hardly taste the matcha, which definitely brings my interest back, they also say that the Roasted Oolong is just a much better choice. Iām hoping to see Narra spread out to more stores as I think what theyāre doing is good and the flavors theyāre making are familiar but slightly different enough to be unique in more than just internal mission statements. It makes me feel good to drink it, and would make me feel good to see them have more success.
Iāve had more coffee drinks to review, but ended up cutting them due to rapid changes in the market rendering some of them pseudo-discontinued, and others just not interesting enough beyond āthis sure is black coffee from a charisma-free company, wow now they made a latte, wow now they put oat milk in itā, and from how I see this market going at the moment that is exactly what the sheer bulk of these are. I may one day return to reviewing various coffee drinks, maybe some other sub-category, maybe some other version, but I feel I should wait for something to shake it up a bit more.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 216 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes ā¢ The 'Shroom Spotlight ā¢ Poochy's Picks ā¢ Poll Chairperson Address ā¢ Credits |
| Features | Fake News ā¢ Fun Stuff ā¢ Palette Swap ā¢ Pipe Plaza ā¢ Critic Corner ā¢ Strategy Wing |
