The 'Shroom:Issue 211/Critic Corner

Kingdom Rush 5: Alliance
Genres	Strategy
Platforms	PC (Steam), mobile (phones, IPads, etc. on Google Play and App Store)
Release date	July 25, 2024
Rating	Around E10+ or T (it's 9+ on the App Store)

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Director's Notes

Written by: Hypnotoad (talk)

Welcome to another issue, this time it's my issue! No, not a crisis or mental issue, but me! I stuck around long enough to get one of these, directing Critic Corner for 100 Issues now, which puts that at just over 8 years!!! Time sure flies when my age is getting higher. Also, it's Halloween time!!!!! 🎃👻🐈⬛🧛🦇

I don't know what else to say: I'm overworked, I'm overtired, and a lot of tired people put a lot of work into putting together this special issue to celebrate me. Now that I'm typing this out with just a few hours until it's posted I'm getting sentimental and thankful for the community I've found here and the friends I've collected that I will have for life, a hobby I've grown to love and become part of me, accepted by others who enjoy what I do, it gives me something to come back home to to work on, read, and relax. We have a lot of sections this month, from writers new and old, so, while you're here, let's do the same for another month and many more to come: read and relax, and enjoy what we've all worked on here!

Also, I don't know about you guys, but all these designs and themes everyone did for me....I think they should stay.....

And now for my regular announcements: We've decided to implement in Critic Corner something similar to News Flush over in Fake News, where no formal sign-up application process is required for one-time or limited sections. From now on if you just want to send in a single review for something you just read, watched played, tried, whatever, you just have to send me your review privately either to me directly in chat, or in a message to me on the forum at least one week before each 'Shroom is to be released! There's no commitment or obligation to provide a full monthly section (although you absolutely can shift it into one if you so choose), just send us your thoughts on a thing and we'll feature it here! If you have any questions or curiosities about this, please feel free to ask!

As always, if you would like to help Critic Corner, we always have openings for more writers! You are free to write for sections such as Character Review and Movie Review, or really anything you'd like to do! There's no pressure to have a huge section; they can be shorter and concise! The application process is very simple, starting with reading the Sign Up page, and sending your application to Meta Knight on the forum. Any idea you have is welcome, and if you have any questions or need help signing up, please feel free to reach out to myself or other 'Shroom peeps!

Section of the Month

CRITIC CORNER SECTION OF THE MONTH
Place	Section	Votes	%	Writer
1st	Anton's Half-Baked Reviews	11	45.83%	Hypnotoad (talk)
2nd	Life of the Party	6	25.00%	Fizzle
2nd	A Paper Mario: The Origami King Gameplay Review	6	25.00%	Paper Plumm (talk)

Reviews / opinion pieces

'Shroom FM

MCD (talk)

EVERY TIME WE TOUC--oh, Cascade'

Boo1268

Haunted hits

Paper Plumm (talk)

Know when to fold 'em

The Peanuts Sessions

Waluigi Time (talk)

This list of tunes is real sincere

Kingdom Rush Alliance Review

Sparks (talk)

Archers ready!

Anton's Half-Baked Reviews

Hypnotoad (talk)

Wake up

'Shroom FM

Written by: MCD (talk)

Happy Halloween to everyone! But especially to our director Anton who has today joined the 100 Club - 100 years of service to The 'Shroom. Congrats!!

Cascade

Clarence Clarity - VANISHING ACT II: ULTIMATE REALITY

Clarence Clarity hadn't crossed my mind in a while before I saw this had come out, so this was a nice surprise. He has a unique style - glitchy, chaotic and theatrical, yet still surprisingly coherent pop. The way he structures it all is very impressive. If you're not sure then you don't have to wait long as "What Year Is This?!?! JFC" throws you right in there. To be honest some parts of the first half of the album feel a little bit predictable - good songs but not really pushing his style a lot further than what's been done before. I think something like "Playing Our Parts" could even take off as a fluke hit, despite the cool metal breakdown in the middle. The first half is good, but the second half is brilliant: "The Greatest Living Musician, Found Dead" is sublime, guitars on the chorus are amazing, and that energy carries through onto the next few songs. The only thing I'd say is that "Guinevere" isn't quite as strong a note to end on, but that's not too important.

Floating Points - Cascade ⭐

Not too much to say, but really enjoyed this. Very dynamic house tracks, with a deep, immense atmosphere. A huge range of synth sounds and they all sound great, percussion is super intricate too. After the chaotic peak of "Afflecks Palace", the album soothes out nicely with the high tempo but slightly mellower "Tilt Shift", and then the gorgeous, ambient "Ablaze", both of which serve as the perfect outro.

Jamie xx - In Waves

I don't have particularly strong feelings towards, but his last record In Colour (now 9 years old) was not just huge in general, but huge personally for quite a few people I know. I only listened to it for the first time a couple of years ago and, while it's definitely a good album, it didn't hit that level for me. Unfortunately, my feelings towards In Waves are pretty much the same. It's simultaneously an odd mix of tracks and yet also quite often fails to stand out. The intro "Wanna" is bland, generic and pointless mush... but then leads into the weirdest track on the album, "Treat Each Other Right". The track starts out normal, then completely grinds to a halt while it plays a sample, and then reassembles itself, then strips itself back to just the synths, and then repeats the sample stuff again. As ambitious as it is, in practice it all takes far too much of the runtime and leaves little of the track to really sink into. "Baddy on the Floor" is fun; "Life" is my favourite track here - amazing energy, very fresh and Robyn is great here too - and then instantly after that comes my least favourite track, "The Feeling I Get From You". Everything about this sounds so off, it sounds like it's being played at 2x speed, and the sample just doesn't add anything. Not a lot of tracks towards the end stood out hugely for me - "Breather" is nice and "All You Children" is decent, though the Avalanches feature doesn't deliver nearly as much as it should.

My Method Actor

Jaubi - A Sound Heart

A big fan of this - a tight and concise hour of spiritual jazz, with very vivid, bright instrumentation. The two halves of this album are intended to convey two different sides of love - the first half with the more energetic, passionate, upbeat tracks representing desire; and the more laid-back, piano-heavy, contemplative second half as devotion. It's a cool idea and it's executed really well.

Nilüfer Yanya - My Method Actor

Having listened to all three of Nilüfer Yanya's albums, unfortunately this is definitely the one which has clicked with me the least. There's well-written songs here but the energy just feels a bit flat. There are some neat instrumental moments, the crunchy guitars on "Like I Say (I runaway)" and "Method Actor", the strings on "Faith's Late" are gorgeous... Not a huge fan of the percussion, though. The way it's used in "Keep On Dancing" is cool - only arriving halfway through the track to accentuate the second verse - but the drum pattern itself is really weak and doesn't develop in any way over the track. It is a deliberately more mellow record which isn't always a bad thing; unfortunately, there are quite a few songs that don't do enough to stand out, and at times it just lacks the personality which elevated her previous work. With all that said, I don't think it's a bad album. I would say plenty of the songs are good in isolation and well-written, but as a whole project I just didn't get as much from it as I was hoping for.

A Paper Mario: The Origami King World Review

Written by: Paper Plumm (talk)

Welcome back to another review. Today we will be looking at the worlds of Paper Mario: The Origami King. This will involve a thorough analysis of its world design and then we will cover some specific examples of levels in this game. I hope you enjoy it.

Story and gameplay, while fun, are certainly not this game's pinnacle. It all really comes down to the world. These are what hold it all together into one effervescent package. Through its worlds it tells its own little story, and this bleeds into the gameplay.

Each level is often an open playground for one's exploration, there are so many secrets found sheltered behind each corner. It truly is a blast of the highest calibre. Each area, as you know, also contains collectibles. With these collectibles, the game encourages its players to peek around every corner and truly soak up its world. I just love those moments. I guess I don't really have much else to talk about regarding that, the gameplay spot kinda hogged that up. So let's look at some specific examples that truly exemplify this world's ideas.

In terms of vast landscapes, one example truly sticks out, the Great Sea. The entire chapter has you go on a Wind Waker-esque seafaring adventure, having to navigate the area. The area also features a bundle of islands, all of which have secrets to explore as well as The Princess Peach (I swear Peach has everything named after her, gardens, circuits, beaches, board games, heck even holographic devices and now she has her own cruise ship. When will her egotistical lust towards naming every object after herself end. We must put a stop to this madness. We must! So from now on I will be calling this ship The Bucken-Berry in honour of our favourite Blue Toad. He deserves the spotlight just as much as Peach.)

This will not stand. We must stop this! Let others gain a place to be etched in stone as their name. So down with the Princess Peach and long live The Bucken-Berry.

The area also cleverly justifies the Toads by claiming they were shipwrecked by The Bucken-Berry. This also creates a secondary reason for exploration to rescue these Toads and gain your final reward at The Bucken-Berry. In terms of particular islands, my absolute favourite has to be the Diamond Island. There's this sense of wonder and mysticism that radiates the area. My jaw literally dropped when I came here, a highlight to be sure. Then, of course there is the Sea Tower. The Sea Tower serves as a Vellumental finale. The puzzles are all really fun here and I absolutely love the build to the top. One of the better dungeons of the game.

The other big landscape is the Scorching Sandpaper Desert. This one is way weaker as all the blank space it provides is not really filled by exciting things, unlike how the Great Sea does. It feels really barren. In a direct contrast, its sub levels are way more prominent. Sweetpaper Valley and Breezy Tunnel are tremendously iconic for the emotional scenes that play out there, and the game does an excellent job of bleeding those emotions into the areas themselves. Snifit City is a superlative Mario city. It creates such an excellent vibe and a really good aesthetic. Unfortunately, night stops happening here and it really sours it all for me. It's rare to see such a gorgeous night desert aesthetic in full swing, so to see it be replaced by a generic daytime desert one is a bit disheartening. Hopefully the next Paper Mario will get day and night cycles so that way the aesthetic can stay.

Of course, the king of great aesthetics is the blue streamer area. Autumn Mountain, whether it be the giant field of grass or the small pond, it's all the most decadent eye candy.

Even at your very first steps onto it, Autumn Mountain bedazzles the eyes.

The Water Temple doesn't skimp out itself, and features some gorgeous water effects. The puzzles here are great as well and don't befall the trap typical of water dungeons. Shogun Studios is also great, probably my second favourite of the towns. A lot of the minigames and other activities are really fun, so much so that on my first file I came back multiple times to the park, walking around the park roleplaying as a tourist. I had a blast.

Whispering Woods is a very solid tutorial area but not really good for much else, I did enjoy the barbeque there however. Toad Town is toadally fine. It's an okay hubworld, but it provides no justification for revisit. The problem with Toad Town is that it is very large and has a lot in it, however anything one would practically visit such as the Shop or Muséé is all in one straight line. You are not given any reason to walk around the area at all. Each Paper Mario did a good job with its hubworld. Port Prisma, while small, made sure there were fluff parts spaced between what was necessary. Each section really only had one useful thing, but tons of other things were there to distract your interests as well. The original Toad Town was also good at this, featuring fun activities around each corner and its useful activities spaced well. Flipside was so good they made it twice, and even lesser hub worlds like Decalburg and Rogueport still have something that keeps them lasting in people's psyche even now. Toad Town just doesn't have anything that defines it, it might just be the safest hub world in all of Mario.

Speaking of which, the red streamer. I think this is the primary reason some people dislike this game. It is extremely safe and almost Sticker Star levels with how archetypical it is. You go through a bunch of grassy areas and a cave, real riveting stuff. It also features its battle system at its plainest, so I can imagine that all turning one off. A dying shame though, as it is consistently uphill from here. Thankfully the Overlook Tower is pretty cool. I mentioned it more in the previous part, but it actually does something unique here in that you are designed to be limited with confetti and thus are forced to a series of linear tasks to navigate it up. I really wish they did more with this as, as it stands, confetti loses all sense of rarity following this point. I'm sure everyone is Green with envy at Mario's pocket space. (Crickets) Oh come on, that wasn't that bad. Come on, anyone? Sighhhh, anyways. here is the Green Streamer.

The Green Streamer is pretty, while it doesn't have anything defining like the others it still does a good job. The Shangri-Spa is pleasant to see. It has such a unique aesthetic and it plays with it so well. The Rainbow Spring starts out boring, but gets a quiz show as a pleasant surprise. However, that quiz show slowly began to make me descend to madness, so I'm not really a fan of any sort of the area. The other spring is still good though, the comedically timed correct choices made me have a smile on my face while there. Bowser's Castle feels both dramatic and creepy, as any good one should be. The Origami Castle is just dramatic though. In a good way. All of the puzzles and trials feel very cumulative; it also features the only actually well designed usages of the 1,000-Fold Arms.

Every game has some sort of forgettable gimmick whether it be Tippi's scan or the Paper abilities. I suppose it was inevitable it would occur here.

Oh shoot, you know I don't think I actually mentioned these before. I suppose this tells you all you need to know about my opinion on the matter. These arms do have a lot of potential however, and if they came back I hope they are used. Anyways, the way this area climatically builds is great, while not my favourite, it is worthy of its spot of great final Mario level.

Well, those are the worlds looked at. I think this is what will define Modern Paper Mario, not its gameplay or its writing or anything of the like. This will be its legacy. The negatives surrounding its history will fade. Criticisms, unless they are the only thing that define a game, do dissipate, they are like a flame intensely burning and can destroy just about anything if they put their mind to it, but they burn out and often become forgotten, leaving the only memory of them being their warm embrace. I am unsure of which path Paper Mario will follow even now, but I know its worlds will be remembered fondly for all time. I hope you find it fond too. Next time will be our last, I'm going to cover the miscellaneous bits and bobbles I haven't covered yet as well as conclude this series. I hope everyone is enjoying this spooky season, happy Halloween and always remember to drive safely. This is Paper Plumm, signing off. P.S. My Scissors bounty I presented last time is still active. I look forward to seeing who accepts the challenge.

The Peanuts Sessions

Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)

Hello there, 'Shroom readers, and welcome back to The Peanuts Sessions, a section covering the soundtrack releases of the Peanuts television specials. It would be criminal for me to talk about anything other than It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown this month, so that's exactly what I'm going to be doing! Released in August 2022, the Great Pumpkin soundtrack was the first to be remastered from the newly-recovered session tapes, kicking off the series of releases I'm covering in this very section. There was actually an earlier attempt at releasing the soundtrack in 2018, but it sucked! Since they didn't have any of the original tapes at the time, they pulled the audio directly from the special with the dialogue removed, leaving behind the sound effects and all the fades and cuts that had to be made for TV. Thankfully, the 2022 re-release is cool and good, and if you'd like, the whole soundtrack is available to listen to on the official Vince Guaraldi YouTube channel.

Tracklist
#	Title	Time
1	Linus And Lucy	1:50
2	Graveyard Theme	0:55
3	Snoopy And The Leaf / Frieda (With The Naturally Curly Hair)	0:33
4	The Great Pumpkin Waltz	2:36
5	Linus And Lucy (Reprise)	0:37
6	Charlie Brown Theme / Charlie Brown Theme (Minor Theme) / Graveyard Theme (Reprise)	0:44
7	The Great Pumpkin Waltz (Reprise)	2:40
8	The Red Baron / Military Drum March	0:57
9	The Great Pumpkin Waltz (2nd Reprise) / The Great Pumpkin Waltz (3rd Reprise)	2:01
10	Graveyard Theme (Trick Or Treat) (2nd Reprise)	1:15
11	Fanfare / Breathless / Graveyard Theme (Trick Or Treat) (3rd Reprise)	0:47
12	Charlie Brown Theme (Reprise)	0:45
13	Breathless (Reprise)	0:48
14	It's A Long Way To Tipperary / There's A Long, Long Trail A-Winding / Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag / Roses of Picardy	1:55
15	Graveyard Theme (Trick Or Treat) (4th Reprise)	0:32
16	Linus And Lucy (2nd Reprise) / Linus And Lucy (3rd Reprise)	0:52
17	Charlie Brown Theme (2nd Reprise)	1:30
18	Linus And Lucy (Alternate Take 1)	1:51
19	Graveyard Theme (Alternate Take 1)	0:51
20	Charlie Brown Theme (Alternate Reprise Take 1)	0:43
21	Linus And Lucy (Alternate Take 2)	1:48
22	The Great Pumpkin Waltz (Alternate Take 2)	2:40
23	Linus And Lucy (Alternate Reprise Take 1)	0:29
24	Charlie Brown Theme (Alternate Reprise Take 2)	0:27

Compared to the other albums so far, there's not as much variety in the tracks themselves. "The Great Pumpkin Waltz" and "Graveyard Theme", along with new arrangements of "Linus And Lucy" and "Charlie Brown Theme", take center stage, each appearing 3-4 times throughout the 17 main tracks (plus all 7 of the bonus tracks). That's not to say that's all it has to offer - the adventurous "The Red Baron" and the eerie "Breathless", accompanying Snoopy's antics as the World War I Flying Ace, are also standouts. That being said, it doesn't bother me in the slightest! The vibes on this soundtrack are just great. You've got the fun and upbeat tracks like "Linus And Lucy" and "Charlie Brown Theme" and the ones that lean more in the lighthearted spooky direction like "The Great Pumpkin Waltz" and "Graveyard Theme". It's a good fit for a special that's just about a bunch of kids having some Halloween fun and nothing "scary" actually happens (aside from a completely unexplained weird fever dream sequence over the opening credits that doesn't connect to the rest of the story where the kids run away from hallucinations of Halloween creatures for some reason). My favorite track here is easily "The Great Pumpkin Waltz" in its various forms (the arrangements combined are about 1/3 of the whole album and I'm very okay with that). The best way I can describe it is that it invokes walking through the neighborhood on a pleasant fall afternoon, very cozy autumn vibes on this one. It's one of my favorite tracks to have on in the background this time of year and one of my top Peanuts themes overall.

All of the bonus tracks are alternate takes of tracks on the album. The first two, "Linus And Lucy" and "Graveyard Theme", especially stick out for me because of the extra horn work that didn't make it into the arrangements that were ultimately used in the special. To be honest, some of the alternate takes can be a little samey compared to the originals if you're not overly familiar with them, but these two jump out pretty quick as "oh yeah, they were doing something different here, neat". Anyway, these are all complete except for the final one, an outtake of "Charlie Brown Theme" where Vince Guaraldi stops playing 20 seconds in to tell conductor John Scott Trotter that they're playing in the wrong key! It's an amusing outtake, and thankfully it doesn't stick out like a sore thumb in the middle of listening because they put it at the very end of the album. (Short Summer, take notes.)

And now it's once again time for the question of how this holds up for the casual listener. Pretty well, I think! The tracks are all pretty well fleshed out, and there's only a few that feel a bit out of place when taken out of the TV context, mostly due to length. Track 6 contains two arrangements of "Charlie Brown Theme" and one of "Graveyard Theme" in just 44 seconds, so it feels kind of stop-and-go. Track 14, "It's A Long Way To Tipperary / There's A Long, Long Trail A-Winding / Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag / Roses of Picardy", also has some abrupt song switching, and it's entirely solo piano in contrast with the rest of the soundtrack. I think this one loses something when it's taken out of the context of Schroeder playing WWI-era songs for Snoopy, who's still in his Flying Ace attire. The final reprise of "Graveyard Theme" on track 15 and the first arrangement of "Linus And Lucy" on track 16 also feel a bit short. While this last one isn't a length issue, track 8 adds "Military Drum March", which is basically what it says on the tin, after the end of "The Red Baron". (On a positive note, however, "Fanfare" at the beginning of track 11 transitions very well into "Breathless", in my opinion.)

Anyway, that's It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. The great vibes throughout and the presence of 10 sweet, sweet minutes of "The Great Pumpkin Waltz" hard carry this one to being my favorite of the Peanuts soundtracks released so far, and I hope you'll give it a listen before spooky month ends! See you next month for another review.

Kingdom Rush Alliance Review

Written by: Sparks (talk)

If you've been around during the 2010s, chances are likely you've heard of the Tower Defense sensation that is Kingdom Rush. It plays out like any Tower Defense game does, where the player builds towers along roads to stop enemies from reaching exits. What makes Kingdom Rush stand out however is the mechanic of placing soldiers on the path to hinder enemies' progress. Different enemies have different stats, and some of them focus on battling rather than rushing to the exits! Players and reviewers have praised the game for its comical art style, humor, pop-culture references and fun gameplay. Heck, the game even won awards for how awesome it was! This groundbreaking title started out as a flash game in 2011 before being ported to mobile phones, IPads and whatnot, later becoming available on Steam and home consoles.

Obviously with a game this good, there's bound to be more than one entry right? Correct! Kingdom Rush would go on to became a franchise. A sequel, Kingdom Rush Frontiers released in 2013, followed by Kingdom Rush Origins in 2014. 4 years later in 2018, Kingdom Rush Vengeance was released. An RPG spin-off game, Legends of Kingdom Rush would become available as an Apple Arcade Exclusive before getting a Steam release in 2021. The main games only got more interesting with each installment, adding new ideas and mechanics to keep things fresh, yet still have the classic gameplay everyone enjoyed. I've first discovered Kingdom Rush in the good old days of 2012, when I stumbled across the first game on Dad's computer. Ever since then, I've become a fan and played every game not long after they've released (minus Legends, as I lack a computer currently and don't want to pay for Apple Arcade. Maybe one day).

One day in early August 2024, I was casually browsing the App Store when I found the newest entry in the franchise - Kingdom Rush 5: Alliance (AKA Kingdom Rush Alliance, which is how I say it). The funny thing is that I never knew it existed until weeks after its release; there were trailers of the game back in February! How did I not hear about it sooner? IDK the answer to that but in anticipation I decided to play all games in the series (excluding Legends) before I played this one. For fun, I decided to document all the Easter Eggs I encountered on the Mario Wiki Discord server under the "Gaming" thread. You know all those Kingdom Rush-related posts you saw? Those were from me, yeah. I documented all Mario related ones on the Mario Wiki, so that's good!

And then, after I finished Vengeance, it was time for me to begin my journey in Alliance. Now, is it any good? What's my opinion of it? Read on to find out!

Story

Taking place after Kingdom Rush Alliance and after the spin-off Legends of Kingdom Rush, the forces of Linirea have fled to the south (the continent where Kingdom Rush Origins takes place, although further below the map from that game) to look for their king, King Denas after the evil Wizard Vez'nan banished him and took over the Kingdom of Linirea with his dark forces. The Linirean forces befriended the Arboreans, peaceful Arboreal (heh) beings that live in the Everadient Forest. Unfortunately, the tree spirits have warring neighbors known as the Wildbeasts, an army consisting of wild aggressive animals. After the Linirean defend against an attack from them, Vez'nan and his army arrives and offers to form an alliance with the forces of good, because he knows of a greater evil that nobody else realizes: the Unblinded Cult and what they worship, an interdimensional entity known as The Overseer. Despite everything that had happened in previous games, both forces unite, set out to find King Denas and stop the Unblinded Cult and The Overseer. Friendship is Magic!

Gameplay

A screenshot of a stage in action! Looks exciting, doesn't it?

Kingdom Rush Alliance continues the engaging TD gameplay the other games had. Why would it not? Build towers along the roads to defend them. Earn gold by killing enemies. Use gold to build and upgrade towers. Don't let enemies reach the exits. Classic! All stages have many waves of enemies that must be defeated. After clearing all waves, the stage is won, just like the past games. After the "campaign" stages are cleared, upgrade points are awarded to the player, which are used to purchase upgrades improve towers, heroes, reinforcements and other things. Details about towers and heroes will come later.

Throughout the stages, players have the ability to summon reinforcements to the battlefield, soldiers that fight enemies for a short time before leaving. This mechanic has been in the series since the beginning. Because of the short cooldown, reinforcements should be used often as possible to make the most of them. Reinforcements can be upgraded to Linirean Rebels to make them better in melee combat, or they can become Shadow Archers, which they gain a ranged attack. I prefer the Shadow Archers myself, but I have seen many players use the Linirean Rebels. Goes to show that everyone has their own has their own strategies! That's what Kingdom Rush is about!

While I played this game, my energy was much higher than usual when I play a game - that's how you know you're really into it! Trust me when I saw playing this game is super duper fun; it's much more interesting than I made it sound. Battles are wonderful and I loved each and every one of them; they're challenging and never made me bored. Awesome! Players can also choose the difficulty setting they want, giving newcomers an easier time while giving the veterans a tougher challenge.

Heroes

"Listen to nature! Hmhmhm!"

Heroes are a staple in the Kingdom Rush franchise. Basically, they're powerful units that are freely controlled by the player. They all have unique special abilities and suit different playstyles. Some heroes are skilled at melee combat, adept at ranged attacks, proficient in armor-piercing Magic attacks or have a mixture of several classes, although they don't excel at anything of that's the case. Ever since Frontiers, players can freely upgrade the abilities of heroes. In addition, they never reset back to level 1 on each attempt; they kept their stats. Starting in Origins, each hero has a Hero Spell, a powerful ability that differs depending on the hero. Alliance keeps both of these perks thankfully!

I play the game on my iPad, so I only had access to a few heroes. For those who don't know, some content in the games are in-app purchases, but everything is free on Steam. Many heroes and some of the towers in this game cost money on mobile but don't worry! Ironhide (the developer of the franchise) say they designed all games based around the free content and it's everything can be completed without paying for anything extra. That's true!

Of the heroes, my favorite is definitely Nyru, a powerful mage hero who's fast and deals high damage. I also really liked the first hero, Vesper, who's skilled in melee and ranged. Another of my favorites is Grimson, a fighter hero who moves quickly and doesn't die easily. This game did something the others didn't; it made me change out a hero during my playthrough! Usually I stick around with the first hero before I didn't want to grind up another hero mid-game, but as soon as I saw Nyru and his abilities, I just had to put him on my team.

Alliance introduces the mechanic of having 2 heroes at the same time! Sure previous games sometimes had secondary heroes, but they were limited to one stage and could not be upgraded. Now, 2 heroes, both freely chosen by the player can be brought into every stage! Because each hero has their own Hero Spell, that makes for double the Hero Spells and fun! This comes at a cost however, because the Rain of Fire equivalent isn't present, but two Hero Spells are pretty powerful on their own! Honestly, I like it better this way. Which heroes will you choose? Have fun discovering what they all do and who they work the best with! Or you could pick your favorites!

Towers

It's not a Tower Defense game without towers right? Alliance uses the same tower system as Vengeance, where the player picks up to 5 towers from a total of 15 (5 of these are premium). You have your typical Royal Archers, firing at enemies at a steady pace, the Paladin Covenant, soldiers that defend the path and block enemies they encounter, and the Arcane Wizards, powerful mages that deal high damage at a slower pace, piercing through armor too. There's so much more than these 3 though!

Towers (and heroes, forgot to mention that) are unlocked by making progress in the game. One of my favorites is the Arborean Emissary, a support tower that "marks" enemies, making them take additional damage from all sources temporarily. Each tower has two special abilities, and the Emissary's are to summon wisps that heal units in an area around the tower and roots that damage and trap enemies for a few seconds. A tower I often see online is the Ballista Outpost. Focusing on offense, it quickly fires 5 shots before having to reload. When replaying stages, I tried out some of the towers I didn't use often in my first playthrough. I mostly used the first 3 towers when I first played the game, but I saw the potential of the other towers when clearing the optional challenges.

Enemies

Howdy partner! You hungry?

As you'd expect, Alliance features many diverse enemies, none of which are the same! They all have different stats, resistances and abilities. Armored enemies take less damage from physical attacks, and Magic-resistant enemies receive less damage from Magic attacks. Knowing your enemies is the key to defeating them! Be ready for anything is what I'm trying to say!

What's that? Do enemies have special abilities too? Of course! I'll go over a few of the many, many enemies in this game in great detail:

The Turtle Shaman is a supporting enemy that heals enemies in range of it. It also has high Magic resistance and a Magic ranged attack. This enemy lacks melee damage and moves slowly however.
The Cult Priest is another enemy with high Magic resistance and a ranged Magic attack. What makes this enemy stand out is when it's at low health: it will attempt to transform into a Cult Abomination, an enemy with high HP and medium armor, so players are encouraged to get rid of them before they successfully transform. There's even an achievement to kill 30 of them before they transform!
The Void Blinker is a flying enemy, so some towers like Artillery cannot target it and it cannot be blocked by soldiers. When the Void Blinker encounters soldiers, it will stare at them (not as strong as Luigi's or Fluttershy's stares though) for a few seconds, stunning them in place.

There are multiple minibosses and bosses to take down as well! Can you handle them all?

Easter Eggs and surprises

YMCA!

What's Kingdom Rush without references to popular culture? Like its predecessors, Alliance is filled to the brim with Easter Eggs! Units, heroes and towers often make quotes based on well-known lines of other media. One of my favorites is the Arcane Wizards' "I have the power!" line, referencing a famous quote from He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe. I have first seen that video about 2 weeks before playing this game, so I was pleasantly surprised to hear it in the game.

Numerous stages themselves have Easter Eggs that can be interacted by clicking/tapping on them. Pictured is a reference to Village People's "YMCA". One stage has statues that can be changed to form "Y", "M", "C" and "A" respectively. When done so, the band is summoned and fights by your side. Curiosity can be beneficial!

Not everyone will understand all the references. One stage had a tree monster made of crows. If clicked/tapped on, a warrior arrives and slays the monster before leaving. You gotta admit - it's fun to point out the ones you know!

Surprises come in many forms - not just references! Some stages have unique gimmicks. One example is new paths that open up midway through a level, giving enemies another route to take to an exit. A mid-game stage had Unblinded Cult members using a large crystal. Throughout that stage they activate it, where it heals enemies, teleports a group of them forward, and even brings to life the powerful Crystal golems. Always be active because you never know what'll happen!

Conclusion

Kingdom Rush Alliance is a fantastic addition to the best Tower Defense franchise ever created. It surpassed my expectations and kept me engaged throughout the entire game. It's rare that a game does that - the last time I was so involved with a game was Mario + Rabbids Sparks of Hope! I've been playing since August 25, 2024 and won't stop anytime soon. I have earned all achievements, leveled up all free heroes to level 10 (max level), cleared all Heroic and Iron Challenges, and cleared all campaign stages on Impossible (the hardest difficulty setting). That lets you know how dedicated I am! I've played through the game in its entirety and 100% it before writing this review.

Should you get this game? YES!!! I highly recommend it to everyone. No matter what your skill level is, you will love this game. It's perfect for strategy players and should not be skipped over. There's lots of content and the replayability is very high. I even made videos of the bosses on Impossible and uploaded them to YouTube! Just so awesome and amazing. Like all Kingdom Rush games, this one will get additional content! Ironhide themselves already confirmed the coming months and next year will add more to the game in updates and DLC! You bet I'll cover those when they release, including the DLC! Who knows, maybe I'll write about this game in the Strategy Wing one day?

This game gets a 10/10 from me! A masterpiece in gaming and a must-have for everyone.

Written by: Hypnotoad (talk)
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Artwork by: Gabumon (talk), TPG (talk)

Ready-to-drink Coffee

I think it’s pretty incredible how I really like the smell of coffee, the taste of coffee, coffee-flavored things especially coffee ice cream, lattes, cocktails, I’ve been known to slurp a large iced coffee within a couple minutes, but I never actually go out of my way to have any. What’s even more incredible is how much canned coffee sucks, especially cold brew, because of each company’s own priorities in regards to flavor going against my own, so in the spirit of Halloween and all things spooky scary, I’ll be facing the horror of reviewing a bunch of these disgusting things because apparently their popularity has not waned and instead bore offspring equally hideous. Maybe I’ll have some luck and find one that’s alright, maybe I’ll trip over a random stick in the woods and a nitro-boosted murderer will stab me to death, who knows, that’s what October is all about!

Slingshot Coffee Co.

During every bout of bouncing around stores looking at what unnecessary new brand of pro/prebiotic soda doing the same exact gimmick as the other two dozen inside the fridge is popping up this week, I’ve noticed that higher end coffee drinks have maintained longevity and shelf space separately from the basic Starbucks, Dunkin, etc. drinks, kept instead in the grab-and-go drink cases. Slingshot Coffee Co. is a brand that has partnered with grocery stores that lean more towards affluent and conscious clientele, only found for sale at The Fresh Market and Sprouts around me, but also Earth Fare, Erewhon, Wegmans, and select Whole Foods elsewhere. They commit to having organic coffees, transparent supply chains, and pushing coffee to be more exciting.

I guess they need this eye-searing orange palette to aid with the waking properties.

Cold Brew

The can describes the flavor of the coffee to be fruity with hints of cacao, and I tend to ignore these kinds of tasting notes as being absolute nonsense meant to brainwash and gaslight an expected taste to be hallucinated in support, and, unfortunately for me, this time it was accurate. The can states it’s made with single-origin Ethiopian coffee beans, with no region specified, though this review states it’s from the Yirgacheffe region that boasts a famed robust floral and slightly acidic taste. With nothing in here but the coffee and water, the taste is undisturbed by more pleasant additions, granting the full force of the coffee’s genuine tarty sweetness that veered more towards grassy floral tea flavors with suspicious earthiness. Came off with an astringent bitterness I don’t care for, not like other black coffees I had that were more upfront and powerful, but rather this was a more subdued and sneaky nasty flavor I just couldn’t get accustomed to. Maybe it’s just because I’m not a coffee snob that I don’t really care about being able to taste where the beans came from and instead want something that actually tastes good.

Black Cherry Cola Coffee Soda

Shame....shame....

An interesting proposition, and hopefully not perceived as a new or even unique one. Slingshot’s Black Cherry Cola coffee soda promises to taste like a chocolate-covered cherry, skipping over the fact that this is apparently carbonated. Their website also includes a ‘Story’ behind the coffee soda, which can be interpreted as an explanation or a defense, saying that this is their way of showcasing the versatility and fun of coffee and going beyond what’s ‘normal’. Cutting right to it as harshly as this did to me: thoroughly abhorrent, spine-wrenching, actually made me feel sick. Definitely a straight black coffee flavor with extremely little sweetness that goes well beyond the pale of preference and into abominable reaches of humanity bastardizing God’s Creation due to the cheap tartness of their commercialized dark cherry juice concentrate. The effect of the bubbles feels like more of an afterthought, but the presence of their CO2 adds a distinct sourness you’d find in the worst European water brands with the same shock and horror of being an American tourist expecting still. Immediately tastes like a supremely low-quality stale wine, with a smell that teleported my entire nervous system into the chute of a retail garbage compactor.

They do have multiple flavors of these, those others being Citrus Vanilla Cream and Vintage Root Beer, both of which I also don’t think coffee is really a necessary or desirable addition and could just be fine as sodas; either rebrand as just Slingshot Co. or get rid of these. Jenny Bonchak, founded of Slingshot Coffee Co., is also a founder of Needs & Wants and Bright Side Beverage Club, a canned sparkling tea and canned sparkling water company respectively, so I’m thinking it was just a frankensteining of production inventory to see what happens, where in true form reveals the monster is the creator. I don’t know what compelled Slingshot to consider these, with only niche and quirky sodas being a trend currently supporting impulse purchase profits being all I can imagine, and unfortunately it holds weight in my mind when going back to the ready-to-drink fridge when considering what to get and what to avoid.

Peet’s Baridi Black Cold Brew

Words

Not bitter at all, but it’s also not much of anything else. Feels pretty watered down more than anything. I will say that it was drinkable on its own without my face sucking itself in with disgust. I guess if your only goal with coffee is the short-term boost in energy and productivity, then this could probably work, but I think your money could be better spent on something else. Once milk and sugar were added, it became pretty chuggable, as the mild coffee flavor still lingered while its general blandness was masked by the added creaminess and sweetness.

What can I say, it’s cheap coffee.

Trader Joe’s Vanilla Whatever Coffee

Not good on its own, vanilla is hardly there if at all. I had to add A LOT of sugar and milk just to sweeten it enough to be rendered palatable, and due to that this just isn’t worth any more words.

La Colombe

This is everywhere and I wish to see less of it.

Cold Brew

Trash.

Caramel Draft Latte

Trash.

Having so much shelf space must be a good sign.

STōK Un-Sweet Black

Trash.

Chameleon Cold-Brew

Trash.

Pop & Bottle Classic Cold Brew

Okay, this one was actually alright.

Califia Nitro Draft Latte

Almond trash.

~~~~~

It’s truly remarkable how something that’s so roundly awful can take up so much shelf space, have so much variety that all ends up tasting the same…

A whole category that’s just rotten.

I just don’t understand…

Am I dreaming…

…

…is this a nightmare…

…

. . .

The Elder Scrolls: The Official Cookbook

So far the best use of my flail mace.

Written by Chelsea Monroe-Cassel, who is responsible for many pop culture cookbooks. There is a version that comes with a Black Briar Meadery themed apron, though I only purchased the book itself as that’s all that was (visibly) available when I purchased it upon release in March 2019. Yes, more than 5 years ago at this point in publishing this review, as that’s about how long I’ve diddled around with the recipes in here and have waited to write this review for a special occasion. You can also read the entire thing for free on The Internet Archive, at least for the time being or hopefully soon, going through every page of the book with me so I don’t have to post so many pictures of it and so you can more clearly see details I bring up. The hardcover has a delicious matte finish with tasteful glossy accents, with beautiful photography throughout. What I appreciate with this particular cookbook is that EVERY recipe has an accompanying picture, which for some reason doesn’t seem to be standard. Yeah, perhaps in enormous compendiums like the Betty Crocker cookbooks, but I’ve unfortunately found that to be the case even with modern recipe books; I have a cookie cookbook that I never use because I just don’t feel confident or inspired without being able to see what the potential outcome could be. Chelsea even put on her own website a wonderful bit of behind-the-scenes information on how she made this cookbook, which is a pretty cool look at how something like this comes together.

Basics

The way that this cookbook is set up follows meal courses, probably the most sensible way to organize a cookbook: introduction, basics, side/starters/snacks, baked goods, soups/stews, main courses, desserts, and drinks. The basics include spice blends, butters, spreads, dough, things that become relevant in later recipes.

Spice Blends

I made these spice blends in 2019 and still have them on my shelves.

Nord Spices, Stormcloak Seasoning, and Imperial Seasoning are the spice blends used in several recipes, but out of 73* recipes in this book: 7 use Nord Spices, 9 use Stormcloak Seasoning, and 5 use Imperial Seasoning. 21 out of 73* recipes feels a little worthless, but I think it’s an alright percentage to not make it such a necessity to store all of these. It’s slightly frustrating having to make all of these blends and find containers to store them in, but their versatile nature and simple ingredients leave it possible to either just mix them up on-the-fly or to integrate it into other recipes and ideas not in this book.

Nord Spices feels very similar to five-spice powder, quatre épices, or dare I say pumpkin spice, as these all bring a gently spicy sweet warmth. Nord Spices includes ground cardamom, cinnamon, mace, cloves, and grains of paradise. This poses a couple problems such as the sheer expense of cardamom being very prohibitive unless you are able to find it in bulk or have access to ethnic markets, as well as not knowing what grains of paradise even are. Not able to find grains of paradise anywhere, not even the local witchy herb shop that has everything else, and me refusing to buy food online, luckily it can be easily substituted with ground ginger to make this more pumpkin spice-like. Likewise with the Stormcloak Seasoning (dried dill, grains of paradise, mustard powder, and fennel seeds that evokes Scandinavian spices) and the Imperial Spices (dried marjoram, savory, coriander seeds, and white pepper that feels very Italian or herbes de provence), these spice blends are all gentle variations of existing blends that add a good sense of immersion.

Spiced Butter

I get it, but also not sure if this is better than just using regular butter and then sprinkling on the spices.

The ‘spice’ in the Spiced Butter is the Nord Spices, and otherwise has no directly associated recipes it’s used in but rather suggestions to use it on the Baked Ash Yams, toast, oatmeal, and roasted vegetables. Each batch is made of just: 8 tablespoons (1 stick) softened unsalted butter, ¼ teaspoon dark molasses, and ¼ teaspoon Nord spices blended together.

This being blended makes for a nice whipped texture, very spreadable and soft. The molasses is a very strong component of it, much more than the Nord spice blend likely because each included spice is divided even further. I melted some and brushed it onto roasted corn cob, which provided a flavorful alternative to just butter and salt, but I can’t exactly say it’s healthier. I really miss the salt, though, and next time would probably add some to bring this back around to something a little more savory as this leaned too sweet.

This goes crazy on some warm rolls, though.

Rustic Mustard

Rather than being mustard with a mix of spices stirred into it, this is a recipe for making the spreadable condiment yourself, with each batch consisting of: 5 tablespoons of mustard powder, ½ cup of packed brown sugar, 1 teaspoon of salt, 1 cup of heavy cream, 1 tablespoon of olive oil, and 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar. This was shockingly easy to make, requiring just a little heating in a saucepan to get everything properly homogenized and thickened. It tastes like dijon more than other mustards, likely from the apple cider vinegar being used instead of white vinegar, with a dark sweetness to it. Despite being smooth I can taste every ingredient separately if I put thought into it. This recipe has no associated pairings, aside from a generic ‘ham’, and all I ended up using this for was dipping soft pretzels into; a valid use, and a fun excursion into making a condiment that feels like it just manifests in grocery stores, but otherwise I’d never have a need to make something like this ever again.

One thing with this recipe is that it actually specifies that this mustard can be stored for several weeks in the fridge; though ‘several’ is a very vague number, basics in general can feel very unsure as shelf lives aren’t typically included, so I greatly appreciate this extra knowledge. It’s difficult to make any of these basics in general at quantities of only what’s immediately needed, so there always ends up being extra. If you intend on making any of these, be sure you have ample containers to adequately store these, plus other uses in mind so you don’t clog up your fridge and pantry. Additionally, unless you have an incredibly well-stocked pantry of items constantly flowing through with use, these recipes calling for such relatively miniscule amounts–like rye flour, apple cider vinegar, port wine, etc.–will end up having you amass a bunch of bottles of whatever in your pantry that you’ll need to find other uses for before they spoil.

Grilled Leeks

I don't think I've ever made anything that's looked this sad before.

I viewed the sides and starters recipes as things to make for holidays and gatherings to use family as unwitting guinea pigs. A simple recipe, shockingly difficult to cook well. Literally just leeks with some olive oil plus salt and pepper to taste, but the preparation requires boiling them, icing them, then frying them in a way that felt super easy but somewhere in that I feel like some nuance and detail was omitted and thought to be a given because these did not turn out like how I expected. Far from restoring 6 health, the leeks were way too hard to bite apart, and were much easier to just fold up and eat all at once, although this almost resulted in me choking to death. Not crispy at all despite being browned, which I feel is from boiling and then submerging them in ice water only making them waterlogged and difficult to heat up well. The salt and pepper were good on it, but perhaps the cheese would be better melted via being baked on with it, as the recipe only called for it to be a garnish while plating.

Unless leeks are something that must be boiled first, perhaps next time I’ll just go straight to baking after cutting them, or at least letting them dry. I’m not sure if this is a failure on my end, maybe just bad leeks were chosen, or a failure of the recipe that I followed 100% which I think may be the likely reason as these look overcooked; it was my first time working with leeks and I may not have known enough of my own to use my own judgment. I could probably try this recipe again, as the ingredients are cheap and readily available, but for it being a simple side item that I don’t think I’d care for to begin with, I just don’t see much point. Checked off an item from a list of verified in-game foods and moving on with my day.

Baby Carrots in Moonsugar Glaze

Kinda looks like these fell on the ground outside, but I promise they taste better!

Moonsugar is a native Khajiit substance that’s used in the preparation of many foods from Elsweyr as well as more illicit drugs. Another very simple recipe that’s really not far off from any other basic and standard brown sugar glazed carrots recipe. For each pound of baby carrots, it includes 1 teaspoon of salt, 1 tablespoon of unsalted butter, ¼ cup of packed brown sugar, ½ a teaspoon of ground cardamom, and orange zest. Cardamom is an ingredient I don’t see quite often in this kind of recipe, and is what lends an elevated flavor to turn basic brown sugar into Elsweyrian moonsugar. It brings a nice autumnal pine flavor, a little herbal and fruity, with the orange zest keeping it sharp and bright.

I’m not sure if I’d make this again, particularly because not many people at the gathering I made it for cared for it. Perhaps it was just from not expecting the cardamom, as it did provide a strange almost-fuzzy texture as it didn’t fully melt and integrate with the butter and sugar. The picture in the cookbook has no visible cardamom flecks, while mine was clearly dotted with the spice. The cardamom not dissolving may indicate something wrong, either not cooking for long enough, maybe the cardamom not being ground small enough, or quite frankly the picture in the book being falsified. Either way, I appreciate this for giving me a customizable recipe for later use, maybe using nutmeg, or cinnamon, paprika, cayenne, plenty of options to try out.

Elsweyr Fondue

I wish fondue could be an everyday meal...

I’m not sure what makes this an ‘Elsweyr’ fondue, as the description itself says it leans savory and lacks moonsugar, though I suspect that for a culture that is highly nomadic that campfire is a common way of cooking, and what is fondue if not a primarily shared and communal pot of miscellaneous food dipped into an indulgent pot of simmering wine and cheese? The actual Elsweyr Fondue in Skyrim does actually use moon sugar, along with ale and eidar cheese, and I absolutely will not be making any fondue with a blue cheese so I’m fine with these alterations towards something a lot more standard. In fact, there really isn’t anything special about this recipe, even the nutmeg is fairly standard. I definitely would’ve liked for this to be a bit more inventive; I understand that fondue must be relatively basic by design so the items you dip into it can provide the variety, but surely more can be done. Sweetened up with honey? Spicy fondue with cayenne and jalapenos? Perhaps a za’atar or berbere-like spice blend introduced in the basics alongside the Nords Spices and Stormcloak Seasoning to make something much more interesting and also shoehorn in more unconventional recipes to evoke more than just the Nords, Bretons, and Imperials? You know what, I don’t need this cookbook to do that, I can just do those myself!

Overall this is pretty easy to make, but sorta expensive. The recipe calls for 1 pound of grated gruyere to make enough for 4 servings, which just didn’t feel like enough to adequately dip into with a standard size pot, fondue-style or otherwise. With AOP Gruyère easily costing $25.99 per pound many places, or roughly $8.99 for ⅓ of a pound, you better hope you can get into a Costco where a full pound wedge will be about $12 give or take, with buying two being what I’d recommend unless you want to grate down that rind as well. What I do with fondue, aside from this recipe that I followed exactly, is mix some cheaper cheeses in with the gruyere, like swiss, gouda, edam, whatever kind of nutty cheese you can snag for cheap and on sale. As I did follow this recipe and went only with gruyere there was not as much flavor as I was hoping, fairly two-note with the strong nutty funk being taken over by the nutmeg that was merely sprinkled on top rather than integrated in while melting. Perhaps other cheese would’ve worked better, or maybe less wine so it would be stringier rather than kinda wet and clumpy. Otherwise, this isn’t really that bad, and did its job serving as a focal point in a group gathering for people who aren’t as finely attuned to cheeses as I am and didn’t particularly care.

Honey Nut Treat

I wonder what other kinds of things you can just mash together into a ball.

The Honey Nut Treat is an item in Skyrim you can either eat to regain health or to hand off to a kid for a persuasion bonus. They exist already made and cannot be made with any ingredients, but the name does imply that it has at least honey and nuts. As per this cookbook’s recipe, it includes: 1 cup of pitted dates, ½ cup of golden raisins, 1 cup of sliced almonds, 1 cup of rolled oats, ¼ cup of honey, ¼ cup of smooth or crunchy peanut butter, a pinch of salt, and a pinch of ground cinnamon. The dates and raisins are to be pulsed in a food processor, though at the time of making this I only had a blender. Despite taking precautions with the amount I put in at a time along with speed and duration it still broke my blender as the blob of gunk was simply too dense and sticky. The recipe also says that you can slice the dried fruits by hand if need be, and I be in need so that’s what I did for the remainder. Once that’s done, melt down some peanut butter and honey and then mix it all together until nice and thick, then roll them into balls as dense as you can, and then thread them onto skewers. The skewer bit seems like it’s just for lore, as that’s what the in-game item appeared to have, but I found them unnecessary as I actually proceeded to eat these in part due to how unwieldy and difficult it was to work with, and also just how gastronomically dense they are with one being hard to finish, nonetheless three.

There is a tip at the bottom that says “You can substitute in any nuts or nut butters you like in this recipe and it’ll be just as tasty”, so I took that as permission to try several things. First up, as per recipe, it was way too sticky and would not retain its ball shape well, falling off the skewer and just being a disgusting mess to handle. The recipe suggests that if you find it hard to keep the treats on the skewers to either eat them quicker or add more oats. With more oats they definitely held their form more, and became my new default as I began making alterations as I went. Honey roasted peanuts, chocolate chips, mini M&Ms because no one was there to stop me, each becoming subsequent additions. Adding the peanuts started making it way too chunky with not enough goop to hold shape, and mostly unnecessary as I had already started with crunchy peanut butter. The chocolate chips and mini M&Ms were an overload, and the balls were hard to form but otherwise kept their final shape. Once I had enough in a sitting I put them in the fridge so they’d at least remain intact, where they became a curse to my family as they ended up sitting in the fridge for weeks as I had made too much, they refused to eat any, and I just couldn’t eat them all so quickly by myself while refusing to toss them because they actually did cost a good amount with all of the cumulative ingredients and having to buy a new blender. I’m sure if you ramp up this recipe to make multiples of more servings to mitigate the average expense of the ingredients over a larger quantity it could actually serve well stored in the freezer as a premade snack you can pop out for lunch each day, assuming you’re someone active and willful enough to do that instead of just eating a handful of Oreos. Overall, they really didn’t need the chocolate chips or M&Ms as they already had a good natural sweetness, though at least the chocolate chips added some extra structure and different texture throughout which absolutely was needed. As these do look visually repulsive and are quite sticky to actually touch, perhaps rolling these around in more oats and crushed nuts would make these easier to handle without the need for a skewer.

These resemble ‘energy balls/bites’ that you can find on a whole slew of brightly lit plant-based and health food blogs that indicate it was a healthy foodie trend back in 2018-2021 range when this book was written. It makes sense, as these are similar to a Lärabar, though not quite as dreadful.

Argonian Swamp Shrimp Boil

It’s in recipe descriptions like this one, if you didn’t read the introduction or the ‘A Cook’s Guide to Homesteading’ sections of the cookbook, that make it clear that the roleplay perspective of this book is of an adventurer and homesteader in Skyrim, where even the Black Marsh recipes are given Skyrim flavor text to rationalize why we’re even bothering with anything different than standard Nord fare. It’s for this reason that I made sure to try out a recipe that directly refers to Argonians.

Looks kinda unappetizing with there being nothing else with it.

The Argonian Swamp Shrimp Boil seems like a southeastern Asian spin on the southern United States and Cajun shrimp boil. This is already fun because it has me imagining a Louisianian Argonian with a thick cajun accent frog giggin’ on a broken airboat drifting slowly through the Atchafalaya swamp wearing a tattered baseball cap, white t-shirt stained with Tony Chachere’s, and camouflage suspenders. The recipe that this cookbook provides only considers the shrimp in this, without any sausage, corn, or potatoes, and categorized this with the starters and sides rather than being a full entree. The full list of ingredients added after the shrimp is boiled and fully cooked includes: cream, cornstarch, unsalted butter, brown sugar, molasses, soy sauce, dried thyme, and chili powder, leaning towards a teriyaki or almost General Tso’s sauce.

You can totally taste the soy in it, but the molasses and other things in it give it a more bbq-y savory feel. Could really just have more flavor in general, though. I understand Tamriel is a dim place to live but some cayenne or habanero would really add something more. Maybe more sugar to bring out the sweetness of the molasses? Salt to bring out the soy a bit more? Garlic powder to add just something in general? It takes a while for the sauce to reduce down into something sufficiently thick, and with the shrimp set aside for the process they cool down considerably. If I were to do this again I would keep the shrimp warm somehow, or try to get the reduction done faster and keep it simmering while the shrimp finishes last. The amount of sauce that the recipe makes is probably about double more than is really needed, as my entire pound of shrimp was drowning once I put the full amount in a bowl, though this could’ve been partially resolved with me reducing it further. After trying the initial recipe and finding it a bit flat, I added mango habanero seasoning, salt, garlic powder, and lemon pepper and it was SIGNIFICANTLY better. The recipe suggests that this pairs well with roasted corn on the cob, which is what I chose with the earlier spiced butter to round out a meal. With this being a shrimp boil with nothing but shrimp in is, with the soy sauce already being a heavy part of the flavor I would definitely include either some fried rice or noodles with this, not only to make it more of something to eat, but to help soak up the remaining liquid and enjoy the full flavor. I’d also probably swap out the chili powder with chili flakes, both for the more pronounced flavor and also the sheer visuals of this to give this some oomph. All-in-all this is another recipe that lets me try out something I normally wouldn’t have done, and gives me the base and desire to improve upon it to hopefully add to regular rotation.

Snowberry Crostata

Not much makes you feel like a functioning adult than rolling out dough.

Like how making this in the actual game requires buying an expansion and then going through the arduous and barely useful process of crafting with an oven, the Snowberry Crostata requires multiple steps and several of the self-referenced recipes from this book. In order to make this, you will need to make the Sweet Crostata Dough, which notably uses rye flour and brown sugar in addition to white flour, and the Nord Spices.

Stunning.

The dough was a bit more difficult to work with than I cared for as it lacked that really stretchy flexibility reminiscent of pizza dough, and instead was prone to tearing. Nevertheless, it mushes back together once I heave it into a pie dish, turning what could be something difficult and unforgiving into something user-friendly. The actual Snowberry Crostata recipe then calls for making even more dough, using: flour, granulated sugar, eggs, Nord spices, melted butter, and almond extract. This batter is very spreadable and soft, rather than the Sweet Crostata Dough that was dry and moldable, almost like peanut butter. Cranberries are then dumped into the prepared dough, with the batter poured over top, sprinkling sliced almonds and more cranberries on top and gently pressing them in. An egg wash and powdered sugar finish it off. Throughout the whole process, especially at the end, the whole Crostata just looks gorgeous, just stunning and picturesque in a way that genuinely shocked me. It was also ridiculously heavy, which in addition to my already-heavy pie dish made it a pain to transport. I genuinely had fun putting it together, something about slapping the batter over the cranberries and spreading it out unlocked some carnal level of satisfaction.

Very VERY almondy, I feel that even the little bit of almond extract I added was way too much. The smell was almost noxious and intoxicating, but the flavor of it really sapped the tartness from the cranberries to turn it all quite pleasantly mild. Honestly I think my favorite part was the crust, as I found myself tending to tear into that first, then use a fork to poke around at the almond filling, scooting the cranberries aside. Not that the cranberries were bad, it’s just a personal preference of mine; I like more of the sauce, juice, glaze, the evidence that fruit was there, whatever it is added into pies and not so much the texture of the baked fruit itself. I appreciate a dough-centric pie alternative, so thank you The Elder Scrolls: The Official Cookbook for introducing me to crostatas. The batter mixture in the middle that the cranberries sat in ended up being almost like a streusel, but not quite so gritty and sugar-laden. I appreciate that it was mixed in with the cranberries, rather than being an ornate lattice design, as all of the juices and flavors soaked into the batter as it baked rather than being a gooey mess that crumples down and sloughs out as it would when pressing a fork into a top-only dough lattice. Soft, sweet, tender, chewy, crunchy, nutty, savory, a gallery of flavors shown in their best light, and sure it could be the wine that I’m sipping contributing to the beauty I see expressed before me, but maybe that’s why it’s stated to be a good pairing. I could see this recipe being easily tweaked to fit whatever seasonal desire, and I think that’s really where the strength of any recipe really shines, allowing the introduction of playfulness, exploration, and creativity, outside of the stifling nature of rote scientific step following. Swapping out the cranberries with another fruit that goes well with almonds, like cherries, apricots, grapes, apples, plums, citruses; altering the proportions; drizzling an amaretto glaze, whipped honey, lemon curd, or maybe finally getting use from the grapefruit juniper honey vinegar I impulsively got discounted at a gourmet shop, gosh, I’m getting excited at the possibilities! Blackberries and raspberries will be the play.

San’s Spiced Wine

Casually reminding me that wine should be included in every meal.

This cookbook has a significant section on drinks, with a wide variety of difficulty, creativity, and alcohol content. Nogs, teas, cordials, ciders, literally brewing mead, but one that I felt was important to try was San’s Spiced Wine due to its actual presence in the game, as well as red wine being good.

The hardest part was actually getting the bottle of cabernet sauvignon open as I dopily continue to forget that I don’t own a corkscrew–a grave oversight that I’ve since corrected–but I felt extremely powerful once I ripped the cork out of the bottle with my bare hands, vacuum-seal be damned. Of course, I took a swig from the red wine first so I could get a feel for its flavor before I chucked a whole bunch of spices into it: brown sugar cinnamon, cardamom, ginger, pepper, juniper berries. Juniper wasn’t hard to find, but I’m absolutely sure it’s only because I live in an area with plenty of variety and options. I picked them up at a gourmet spice shop and likely overpaid for them, as also nearby are specialty herbalist and metaphysical spirituality shops that have a LOT of bulk herbs, spices, oils, and whatever that could just as readily be used for regular cooking and baking, summoning fae into your home at your own risk. Fortunately, as I understand, access to specialty herbs and spices may be limited due to proximity and finances, as some of them are prohibitively expensive no matter how you put it, replacements can be made to at least approximate flavors and sensations. Cardamom can be replaced with nutmeg almost seamlessly, juniper berries’ peppery pine notes can be met with rosemary, etc, but I’m glad to be able to get everything as the recipe states. Once I got the bottle open, all it was was just measuring everything out, slicing the ginger, crushing the juniper berries, and plunking everything into a pot to be heated for a bit. Once the sugar has dissolved, let the liquid sit for at least 12 hours to cool and steep, adding brandy and port once that’s complete. While not difficult, it was rather irritating that this recipe calls for two shots of brandy and one shot of port, only able to get these in standard 750 ml bottles and otherwise have no personal use for them. Perhaps the author is just a bit too optimistic of the overlap between avid Elder Scrolls fans and cultured alcoholics.

I filtered it all through a series of larger to smaller openings, going from like the width of a standard pencil to get out all of the larger heavier things, then through a sieve, then through a coffee filter. I was concerned that putting it through a coffee filter would remove too much of the flavor, but that’s a risk I took to not have such a pulpy wine with an obnoxious amount of sediment. There still was some stuff that was floating around and settling to the bottom, so I feel like it was ok, just needing to agitate it a little before pouring. It tastes very warm and herbal, very much a wintertime drink much to my pleasure as it was my selected drink pairing for a few appropriate things. The cabernet’s tart fruity bitterness was muted and replaced now with a tonic, almost medicine-like spiciness, while still having enough sweet fruitiness to not veer into cough syrup territory. With the ingredients being nearly 1:1 with basic mulled wine or glühwein, but lacking the typical orange and zest that adds a touch sweet brightness, so the whole flavor of San’s Spiced Wine remained deep and dark. The thickness was a bit more heavy than how the wine started, reduced a bit with the heating; not quite syrupy, but with enough drag to it that had the spices lingering in your mouth, permeating every possible pore.

Skooma

Gotta say, turning that slop into something with such a magnificent golden hue does feel addicting.

Every time I tell someone I have an Elder Scrolls cookbook the first thing they either ask is if it has a sweetroll recipe or if I’ll make them Skooma, and luckily for me the Skooma recipe seems approachable. Not quite being on the level of a smokable narcotic like in the game, this recipe is more akin to the liquid version that uses more law-friendly vodka. Like with the Baby Carrots in Moonsugar Glaze, the moonsugar here is a pinch of cardamom with an enormous amount of sugar. Along with that it’s some vanilla and pitted dried apricots steeped in vodka that make this Skooma. Seems relatively simple to make, with the hard part being waiting out the 2-4 weeks to steep and infuse, with me wanting to leave it as long as possible for the maximum flavor. I appreciate the apricots here as an uncommon flavor as I feel a real-world approximation of Elsweyr climate would be Northern Africa and the Mediterranean Middle East, with apricots being a relevant fruit, which, goodie for me, is confirmed to be the exact intent by the author.

The cardamom adds a vaguely fruity and sweet smell, but doesn’t seem to have much flavor here that I can’t simply attribute to the vanilla, both being there to dampen the naked sweetness of the full cup of sugar used into something subtly peppery and warm. I’m suspicious of the dried apricots being able to defuse anything since not only are they dried, they’re also pretty stiff and unyielding on their own. Maybe the vodka breaks them down over time, maybe fresh apricots wouldn’t have made this safe to drink with potentially rotting. As time goes on and the vodka steeps it goes from a murky dull brown to more light and golden, much more so once fully strained.

VERY good, very sweet and fruit, very smooth, smells nice, and the flavor takes the bite out of the alcohol. Don’t get me wrong, my entire body quivered upon the first sip, but it grew on me quickly in a way I assume the addictiveness of in-game Skooma works. Suggested pairings include fresh yogurt and ice cream, but instead I used it with a bunch of mixers with a combination of peach and mango soda being the most divine. The Skooma itself is a hit with the most alcoholic of my coworkers and friends who keep asking me to make more whenever there’s a party.

Sweetrolls

Disaster

Likely the most famous food from the Elder Scrolls franchise due to the memeification of an NPC guard canned statement, Sweetrolls are fairly simple to make. Less of a roll and more of a basic yeast cake, along the lines of a gugelhupf, sweetened with honey rather than sugar. Aside from very standard baking ingredients you’d probably already have or suspect you’d need, you just need some small bundt pans which can be pretty expensive if you want something that’s not dollar-store silicone. Just flour, unsalted butter, whole milk, honey, salt, egg, and dry yeast, then for the telltale frosting is likewise a very basic mix of cream cheese, unsalted butter, powdered sugar, and heavy cream. The ingredients promise this to be dense, buttery, and milky sweet, which are all things I’m a fan of when it comes to cake, and most things in general if I’m not kidding anyone.

Perfection

My first batch came out pretty dense and rubbery? It tastes as if you’ve taken banana bread, waited three days, then compressed it into a 5cm orb, complete with the similar flavor despite it just being flour, butter, milk, salt, yeast, and honey. I initially thought this was a result of over-creaming the batter as I have a tendency to go too far, because otherwise I followed the recipe exactly. I mixed this by hand, though, which is already pretty slow when compared to a hand mixer or stand mixer, and going slower just really isn’t a reasonable option. Regardless, the fact that such a screw-up could be made lends to the lack of detail in the recipe guides in this book. The average person buying this book is doing it for novelty and won’t be a trained chef or baker who is attuned to these kinds of chemical and physical anomalies, so that care should be provided, but as I think deeper about who’s at fault here I considered if maybe this truly is a simple recipe with no need for that kind of expert finesse and that the fault lies with the yeast. Dead yeast would explain why the whole batch was like this throughout all of the entire rolls. I considered omitting this part of the review as it’s a classic baking road bump, but I feel it’s a necessary part of troubleshooting and exploring the recipe, and I did appreciate that this was a good trial run of the frosting and how to apply it for the best visual effect.

I remade it with different yeast and it blew up a lot more, holding its shape really well, looks absolutely adorable and–most importantly–correct. The honey does indeed provide a unique warm sweetness that just sugar wouldn’t provide, as well as a mouthwatering smell when pulling these rolls freshly out of the oven. I also felt it could’ve used more, though, as the striking sweetness of the glaze and its open cream cheesiness was the star of the show and I yearned for a bit more nuance and depth; a touch of vanilla couldn’t have hurt immersion THAT much, right? I could see how other flavors could very easily be added to it, maybe some chocolate marbled in, fruit inclusions that lean towards the gugelhupf cousin, some lavender and a touch of lemon zest, even just mixing in the Nord Spice into the batter. Very simple recipes lend to ease and versatility. Probably could’ve used more yeast, or to let it rise for longer, something to give it more of a fluffy crumb as it still felt a bit spongy and dense, not too much unlike an almost-stale cake donut.

Mostly, I’m excited that this gave me a reason to use my mini bundt cake pan.

Final thoughts on the cookbook

Many recipes in the book are self-referencing, requiring a component from another recipe; i.e. there’s a recipe for some spice mixes, like Nord Spices and Stormcloak Seasoning, as well as Snowberry Sauce and Sweet Crostata Dough, that are required parts of larger items like the Snowberry Crostata. Nice references in the ingredients and descriptions that are silly enough and shows a solid attempt at research and theming, but not too diluted or corny to make reading a strain from eye rolls. The recipes also taught me just how expensive spices are, especially cardamom; apparently it’s the world’s third most expensive spice, beaten only by vanilla and saffron. The recipes are simple and easy to follow, but I personally would’ve liked a little more direction. There are some tips to follow, but they only go so far and are really only tips for base level never-cooked-or-even-shopped-for-groceries-before beginners. The simplicity often extends to the point of the finished products being basic and bland, where you’ll have to make considerable modifications if you intend on fitting many of these into regular rotation, but I kinda like that as it feels adequately medieval, along with it just being approachable and for the most part relatively affordable. Despite having simple recipes and a fairly limited set of consistent ingredients, every now and then there’d be something that’s just impossible to find without ordering it online, like grains of paradise or burdock root, but luckily there’s more common replacements for these if for some reason the bulk section at local natural foods stores don’t have the weird things hanging around. The ease of replacing ingredients goes further towards customization, as with these recipes being as simple as they are they definitely hold room for improvisation. The bread recipes use measurements in volume and not weight (rather, mass, for the pedantic crowd), which can pose some problems, but, as the article concludes and I always err on the side of, when in doubt just follow the recipe. I’m sure the recipe was checked for accuracy before posting, and if that’s what they used to get something to work out, I’m sure it’ll work for me too.

Who are you?

This cookbook very much focuses more on Skyrim, which I can see why as that game was much more widely successful with a greater impact on pop culture, also considering that it was the latest installment, but I would’ve liked for more creativity and deeper dives into nerdy stuff. The varieties in flavors is very flat, with little exploration beyond a similar working list for everything that kept it centered around a medieval European feel that’s about as barren and dull as much of the Skyrim landscape is. Spices that evoked different regions, took more advantage of quirky ingredients specific to each environment, adapted more worldly cuisines to each province of Tamriel such as a spin on Caribbean for the Khajiit, Southeast Asian and Cajun fusion for the Argonian, etc. The Argonian Shrimp Boil is a good example of this, and more of what I’d have liked to see, and there is information available on what appropriate themes to move towards, and there’s definitely more dives into this like with the Bosmer Bites and Kwama Egg Qyiche. When the cookbook was still pre-order only the author held an AMA on Reddit that addresses some of the concerns and comments I had. The recipes are indeed a bit simple as to make them approachable, starting with food and ingredients from in-game which are simplified as a gaming focus necessity, but with this AMA happening before the cookbook got released it leaves it open for the criticism.

What I think makes this cookbook a success regardless is not so much the theming, graphics, format, pictures, selection of recipes, quality of the turnout, etc., but rather the fact that so many of these simple recipes have found their way into semi-regular rotation for my own cooking, or introduced me to new options for seasonal offerings that I now try to make for gatherings. Cookbooks can be called upon for special events or curiosity, but if they find their way into integrating with your life, then bravo, encore!

And so, an encore. Apparently I’ve taken so long to do this review that The Elder Scrolls: The Official Cookbook, Vol 2 has come out in September 2024, which is certainly a feat that Bethesda hasn’t been able to accomplish yet. Written by different authors–Victoria Rosenthal and Erin Kwong–the page design is the same though the recipes seem to lean less heavily on just Skyrim and Morrowind, leaning into more of the vaguely familiar-but-otherworldly weirdness of fantasy. With so many recipes from this first volume that I’ve done I have no choice but to eventually write a Part 2, maybe Part 3. My biggest regret with this review is taking so long to get around to this review that I ended up having a lot of pictures taken years ago, with many pictures not having the standards in aesthetic or information I would be providing today, so perhaps an eventual Volume 2 will be a personal redemption. Maybe by the time Elder Scrolls 6 is released..?

If anyone wants any of these specific recipes in more detail, please just message me somehow, somewhere!

The 'Shroom: Issue 211
Staff sections	Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits
Features	Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing
Specials	The 'Shroom Staff-Baked Reviews

The 'Shroom:Issue 211/Critic Corner

Director's Notes

Section of the Month

'Shroom FM

Clarence Clarity - VANISHING ACT II: ULTIMATE REALITY

Floating Points - Cascade ⭐

Jamie xx - In Waves

Jaubi - A Sound Heart

Nilüfer Yanya - My Method Actor

Top 13 Video Game Halloween/Spooky Songs

A Paper Mario: The Origami King World Review

The Peanuts Sessions

Kingdom Rush Alliance Review

Story

Gameplay

Heroes

Towers

Enemies

Easter Eggs and surprises

Conclusion

Ready-to-drink Coffee

Slingshot Coffee Co.

Cold Brew

Black Cherry Cola Coffee Soda

Peet’s Baridi Black Cold Brew

Trader Joe’s Vanilla Whatever Coffee

La Colombe

Cold Brew

Caramel Draft Latte

STōK Un-Sweet Black

Chameleon Cold-Brew

Pop & Bottle Classic Cold Brew

Califia Nitro Draft Latte

The Elder Scrolls: The Official Cookbook

Basics

Spice Blends

Spiced Butter

Rustic Mustard

Grilled Leeks

Baby Carrots in Moonsugar Glaze

Elsweyr Fondue

Honey Nut Treat

Argonian Swamp Shrimp Boil

Snowberry Crostata

San’s Spiced Wine

Skooma

Sweetrolls

Final thoughts on the cookbook

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