The 'Shroom:Issue 210/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! We have a pretty packed issue for you this month, so let's get right into September's announcements!
In very bittersweet news, this issue marks Quizmelon's 100th and final edition of TV Tomorrow! He's been a consistent staple of this team going all the way back to 2016, providing quality commentary on the creatively made television programs of the Mushroom Kingdom. On behalf of all of us at The 'Shroom, thank you Quizmelon for your dedication and all the joy you've brought to us with your section over the years! You'll definitely be missed around here! Also, for all you TV Tomorrow fans out there, you'll probably want to check out our TV Tomorrow Commentary Tracks special feature as well, with commentary from Quizmelon on all 100 editions! But wait, there's more - fitting for a writer of his stature, we have two guest editions of News Flush based on the legacy of TV Tomorrow by myself and Hooded Pitohui!
It's not all goodbyes this month, though. As a matter of fact, we have two brand new bi-monthly sections! DryBonesBandit (talk) has returned with a new section called Dry Dry Data, where he travels all around the Mushroom Kingdom to report on its varied species! He's taking suggestions too, so if you have a species you'd like to see covered, don't be shy. Our Mushroom Tribune writers Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk) are also kicking off the Fungal Forager's Field Guide, a Piklopedia inspired section examining the behavior and edibility of the species of the Mario world! Speaking of edibility, Cooking Guide remains on hiatus, but we have the rest of your favorite sections ready to go!
Finally, my usual announcement! If you're interested in joining the Fake News team, all the info you need to get started is one click away on our sign up page! Perhaps you'd even like to take the reins on TV Tomorrow or test the waters with a one-off submission? (I'd say you would have big shoes to fill, but Quizmelon doesn't have feet, so... We'd give you appropriately sized shoes.) Don't forget that one-offs don't necessarily need to go through the application process - if you'd like to volunteer for a single issue, just send your submission to me privately and I'll get you squared away.
Section of the Month
Looks like we have a clear favorite from last month - TheBlueCatMenace's The Sunshine Travel Guide takes first place with over half of our 51 total votes! Visiting Booster Tower caused a real boost in support there. In second, we have the 99th edition of TV Tomorrow by Quizmelon (talk), covering a new sitcom with one too many Luigis, a cooperative game show, and the Olympics! The Sorcery Show by Legend 8 is right behind it in third, featuring an unexpectedly chaotic beach day for Pyro and Kroop (and the explainer). Thank you for voting, and please continue to support this great team with your votes and Poochy's Picks nominations!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 31 | 60.78% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 6 | 11.76% | Quizmelon (talk) |
| 3rd | The Sorcery Show | 5 | 9.80% | Legend 8 |
Written by: Walter G. Timeson (talk)
Celebrated TV Guide Writer Retires
Quizmelon, prolific writer of The 'Shroom's TV guide TV Tomorrow, has announced his retirement following the publication of his 100th edition, concluding an 8-year career. Since launching his first edition in Issue 111 of The 'Shroom, Quizmelon has dutifully covered the developments in Mushroom Kingdom television programming every month. TV Tomorrow has received numerous accolades, most recently being awarded with the Favorite Written 'Shroom Section of the Past Year Award last month. (Sadly, the Nobel Prize in Literature remains elusive for the time being.)
Following the announcement, tributes to Quizmelon and his iconic career have been pouring in from prominent figures in the television industry, as well as his co-workers at The 'Shroom. Surprisingly, Bowser is among those paying tribute to Quizmelon, applauding his coverage of Koopa Kingdom-based entertainment in an environment that is often hostile to Koopa culture. (Conveniently, Bowser failed to mention that he is heavily responsible for cultivating that hostile environment.) Wario, meanwhile, is attempting to collect copies of all of Quizmelon's TV Tomorrow installments that mention him specifically, claiming they're rare now and that he's going to auction them off for big bucks.
Quizmelon was especially noted for his unique writing style, blending the concepts of "fiction" and "reality" in ways that this writer never entirely understood as someone who is, apparently, fictional by these metrics. It was probably funny if you got it. One member of the Beanbean Kingdom Society of Physicists gave the following statement:
By my estimations, Quizmelon is personally responsible for tearing at least four different holes in the fabric of reality. I'll miss him, though. It gave us something to talk about during lunch.
Additionally, I felt that it would be prudent to interview members of the general public for their thoughts, beginning with a Toad whom I encountered on the sidewalk:
HOW AM I GONNA KNOW WHAT'S ON TV NOW? THIS IS HORRIBLE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PANIC AND FEAR!
It was then that I decided I did not want to interview any more members of the general public.
We at The 'Shroom bid Quizmelon a very fond farewell, and wish him all the best in his future endeavors. This has been Walter G. Timeson reporting, and I am now out of time.
Welcome, everyone, to the hundredth and final TV Tomorrow of my 'Shroom career. I'll level with you all: I'm feeling a lot of pressure at the moment to write a suitable enough intro befitting the grandeur and poignancy of this important occasion. Even after all my writing experience here I'm not confident I have the write words. In fact I'm so unconfident in my own abilities, I even rang up Mark Twain to provide something appropriately witty and concise as a guest intro, but unfortunately he wasn't available because he is dead. Look, sincerity's not my forte. And I don't want to trespass too long in a forte not my own. So let's just get to where the talent is, the meat of the meal, my home forte. Here, for the final time, are the top three shows in Mushroom Kingdom television for tomorrow!
The Shroomlock Files: The Case of Deja Vu
MKBC1, 10pm
Genre: Murder mystery
I'm not the only institution coming to a conclusion this September - tomorrow will also see the last of the regular annual Shroomlock Files specials that started back in 2017, as the creators have decided now is the right time to properly send off the character once and for all (unless it gets rebooted again in a few years, which let's be honest is entirely probable). As a fitting bookend, this year's episode sees Shroomlock investigate a case suspiciously similar to the one he solved back in the very first episode of the original series, about a Thwomp being mysteriously robbed in the night. Is someone toying with the ace detective? Filled with niche references to cases past and a plethora of returning guest stars, this is one of the show's strangest episodes, and yet still an impressively-crafted monument to a legendary character. Plus, this year, the promo image they sent me actually features Shroomlock for once. Hurrah!
Yoshi's Island
MKBC2, 8.30pm
Genre: Soap
It would be remiss of me to leave my post without one final glance back at Yoshi's Island, one of the Mushroom Kingdom's longest-running and most iconic programmes, and one I've often recommended in this column, even if it is often lacking in actual quality. Unlike myself or Shroomlock, this show isn't going anywhere - a phrase which both describes its presence on the schedules, and its ongoing plotlines. (Though their cinematography has got a lot better recently; just look at the accompanying image!) Tomorrow's episode sees more of the usual disturbances to the apparent idyllic peace of the island, as old quarrels bubble up to breaking point (again) and Light Blue Yoshi gets a(nother) nasty surprise. Same old, same old. But you know, not every meal can be a five-course banquet; sometimes, a good old slap-up tea and a few melodramatic murder-scenes is what you really need. Enjoy it!
Televisual Treats: The Quizmelon Story
MKBC4, 9pm
Genre: Documentary film
Oh no, the hell is this?, I hear you thinking in despair. Overt metatextuality and self-indulgence, in the same package? No thank you. But I promise you all, I had nothing to do with making this, it was MKBC who commissioned it, they didn't even tell me until yesterday. And to jump back into the real world for a second, let's be honest, this is the optimal choice on a practical level - I can't just end my hundred-issue run on some random show, can I? Gotta go meta, that's the only way. Anyway, this is an hour-long documentary about the life and work of TV critic and ghost melon Quizzical Melonballer, better known as Quizmelon, better known as me. Presented by Professor E Gadd, the show covers my early days as a writer, my development into a 'Shroom mainstay, and my largely inexplicable interdimensional excursion to the Mushroom Kingdom last year; it also heavily scrutinises the internal consistency of my column, which doesn't bother me as I do it plenty myself anyway. Naturally they get a few facts wrong here and there but otherwise this is a very nicely-done documentary, a lovely little ego trip on my behalf. It more than earns its name as a televisual treat. (Outrageous that they've hidden it away on MKBC4 though. That's a channel so obscure it's only shown up on TV Tomorrow once before. And I'm really more suited to the Party Channel I think. But oh well.)
So there you have it. One hundred issues. Eight and a quarter years. 300 different programmes. (Well 298 actually cause November 2023 only had one show in it, but still, it's impressive.) If this is the first one you're ever reading, you've got a lot to catch up on. Luckily for you, as a final authenticating stamp on my body of work, I've compiled a ready-made and easily-accessible archive of every TV Tomorrow I've ever written, complete with all-new bonus commentary tracks. It's like a DVD boxset in text format, and it can be found in this very issue! Now you can go back through every single one I wrote, rewatch every single fictional programme I described, and also discover that the first 40% or so of these were of decidedly mixed quality. There's even a link to this article (indeed it's entirely possible you've arrived at this article from that link, in which case hello! Look! The ideas have bloomed!)
Other than that, though, that is the end of TV Tomorrow. For now. Because of course television never stops, and tomorrow never comes (see Issue 177). There will be an infinite amount of both to forever sustain the universe, and there is no reason why another cannot take up the duty of inventing fictional Mushroom Kingdom programming, and reinvent TV Tomorrow for a new age. I look forward to that day. Oh - and besides, I should say, this isn't necessarily time up for Quizmelon, either. I'll still be around, and I may yet return to the pages of the 'Shroom. But for now, it's time for me to go. My Nobel Prize awaits me.
Thank you all so much for reading TV Tomorrow over the years: it's been a joy to write. I know I generally haven't been a major contributor to the wider wiki and forum community much, but I've loved being a part of it all the same, and I'm so thankful to have had the chance to carve out my own little place here. The 'Shroom is such a brilliantly-crafted thing created by a team of such dedicated people, and I'm really looking forward to seeing where it goes next. (Oh wow - it seems like sincerity can be my forte after all! That's nice.)
And that's all. So for the last time, thank you for reading, and I won't see you next month for another edition of TV Tomorrow! Goodbye!
Written by: Hooded Pitohui (talk)
Local Curmudgeon At A Loss Following Departure of Long-Serving TV Tomorrow Writer
For one dedicated watcher of television, today marks the end of an era. Kent Kroupler, resident Koopa aged 54, says that he won't know what to do without Quizmelon's TV Tomorrow guide around to direct him to must-see programs. Kroupler says he's been reading Quizmelon's television guide in The 'Shroom for over eight years now, entertaining himself through lonely evenings by watching the hottest shows on television.
In our conversation, Kroupler reminisced on such moments as seeing for himself the 2021 summer Olympics in Sarasaland, telling us that, without Quizmelon bringing his attention to the early afternoon coverage of the track cycling event on MKBC Sports, he may have missed the Olympics altogether that year. He went on to fondly recall microwaving a frozen dinner after watching the day's Olympic coverage before sitting down to watch the gripping The Hole Story biographical drama later that same night.
Standing in front of the television and clutching his remote in a white-knuckled grip, Kroupler seemed uneasy throughout our conversation, idly pressing the channel up button without ever stopping to watch a single program. As he cycled through his sixty-four channels a third time, I asked him what programs he intends to watch in the future. Seemingly puzzled by the question, he – apparently instinctively – reached for his nearby copy of the paper's Fake News page, searching desperately for TV Tomorrow. His hands trembled as he skimmed over News Flushes until finally he found Quizmelon's entertainment guide. Breathing a sigh of relief, he raised his head and answered with newfound confidence; "the annual September Shroomlock Files special", he said.
He went on to reminisce about the first such special, a revival of a series dormant for eight years prior which aired in 2017. He recalled a shot of Mario, dead amidst garden flowers, a shot which he saw printed in TV Tomorrow before he saw it on television. Kroupler told me he had no knowledge of The Shroomlock Files before Quizmelon brought it to his attention, having never seen the original series. After seeing the revival, he found the entire original series on VHS and binged it the weekend following the conclusion of his divorce proceedings. Since then, he said, he hadn't missed a single installment on the series, attributing his luck in keeping up with the series entirely to Quizmelon.
As our conversation continued, in a moment of vulnerability, a sniffling Kroupler said the following:
Aw, jeez, I tell you, I just don't know what I'll do without him. I- I'm not getting all these newfangled Shellbooks and Cheepers, and dang it, I don't wanna get them. Bunch of stress, if you ask me. But TV's different. I come home after a long day and put the TV on to unwind, and so long now, I've been able to open TV Tomorrow to flip to the right channel without having to think about what to watch. Quizmelon… well, he's got one of them special eyes, if you know what I mean. I could always count on what he recommended to be good TV. Heh. You know he once even sent TV Tomorrow in from another world or something? Now that's dedication! There won't be anyone like him, and… I… I don't like seeing him go. Dang it all, I don't!
Kroupler isn't the only avid television fan to express sadness at Quizmelon's retirement. Television viewers from across the region have taken to social media and Internet forums to bid Quizmelon a farewell. We colleagues of Quizmelon here at The 'Shroom would like to echo those comments, and thank Quizmelon for his dedicated service as a writer. With his retirement, an era ends, but this need not be the end for quality television coverage in this paper. The possibility remains that a new writer will take up TV Tomorrow – a possibility which, as we thank Quizmelon for his work, we would all like to encourage!
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Shoey, Fizzle1491, and The_Donut1987
Dear Waluigi Time:
For years I've been trying to eliminate a certain proprietor of a certain cereal company so that I could seize control of the company, and more importantly the proprietor's vast fortune. Yet despite my best efforts my traps, tricks, and schemes constantly fail. Do you have any advice for how I could eliminate that irritating nitwit once and for all.
Sincerely,
Sholvester Shoekly
For legal reasons I have definitely not tried anything like this against a certain rooster and I don't condone any such actions. That being said...
Have you considered the classic trail method? Just get a bunch of something small yet desirable for your intended target, like pieces of candy, or gold coins, or chicken feed, and create a trail to lure them somewhere else! Where is somewhere else? Who cares, really. A dark cave, over a cliff, the middle of a desert, a portal to another dimension... Doesn't really matter as long as they're gone!
But maybe this guy is a little too smart for that. If you have the resources to pull it off, here's a really good plan that will probably work every time! Once everyone's gone home for the day, go to their corporate headquarters and then start building a replica in front of the real one. In the morning, your target will be none the wiser when they enter the fake workplace instead of the real one. But this workplace is actually going to be a rocketship in disguise! Once they're inside, activate the rockets and send them to the moon or wherever, leaving the real headquarters ready for you to take over!
Now, here's the problem. Companies usually have hierarchies and stuff so you can't just waltz in and take over just because one person is MIA, but uh... I'm sure you can figure out the rest! After all, you only asked me how to get rid of the guy.
Dear Waluigi Time,
Soon, I'll be writing a section for a strange, elusive paper and I hope to do well. Seeing how you write such popular sections in another paper, I'm asking you for a couple tips, because I'm nervous and don't want to mess up. How smartly worded should my writing be, or should it be typically written as if I'm writing an essay? And just any other advice you have would be very helpful to the cause...
Sincerely,
A Distraught Writer
Well, that depends on the kind of paper you're writing for. If you're going to be working on some stuffy academic publication like the Mushroom Kingdom Journal of Science or whatever, you should probably try to make your style as boring professional as possible. Of course, if you're writing for something fun like The 'Shroom, pretty much anything goes as long as you're still respecting some vague idea of standards! You don't want to go as far as sounding like you're writing a text message for example, but look at me, I'm super casual and I'm doing just fine! Even though that cat with the travel guide wins most of the Section of the Month awards...
Anyway, probably the most important thing about writing is that you should always be fulfilling your purpose as best as you can! If you're writing an opinion piece, explain why you feel the way you do. No matter how well-written your piece is, you're not going to make everyone agree with you because there's really stubborn people out there, but they should at least understand your opinion even if they disagree! If it's an analysis of something, be detailed so that your readers clearly understand what you're trying to talk about. Or maybe your goal is to entertain your readers, in which case, be entertaining! Wait a minute, that's not very specific. Well, for some people it comes naturally - don't try too hard, publications don't come with sitcom laugh tracks or anything. It's important to remember that not every style is for everybody, but if you keep at it, eventually you'll find your niche.
Of course, any publication worth its salt would have a certain masked Statistics Manager who would pass on feedback that may have come up during the review process to help you improve! If that particular paper doesn't have one, I happen to know of another one that is very eager to take new writers under their wing. You know, if you want to...
Wait a minute that first question wasn't referring to me was it?
Dear Waluigi Time,
I got my magic hourglasses back from the mustachioed girl (sorta a small 2 curled each sided mustache) but now this one eyed triangle with a hat appeared in my room and he wants to make a deal with me, should I accept his deal or not?
-----The Donut
Are you sure those magic hourglasses don't have hallucinogenic effects? Well, let me s
HEY KID! I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED! IGNORE WHATEVER I SAID BEFORE, NOW I'M GOING TO USE MY MEAT APPENDAGES TO WRITE AN ANSWER JUST FOR YOU! ISN'T HUMAN BIOLOGY SO WEIRD? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THESE BONY LIMBS, HOW HAVE THESE NOT BEEN SNAPPED IN HALF BY NOW?
YOU'VE LEARNED YOUR SHAPES, RIGHT KID? THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT TRIANGLES ARE THE MOST TRUSTWORTHY SHAPE! FORGET SQUARES, AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON CIRCLES! SO YES, YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY TRUST THAT HANDSOME DEVIL. WHAT COULD GO WRONG? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! GO AHEAD, SHAKE HIS HAND ALREADY! B̸͔̰͆̇Ȩ̸̛͓̳S̵̨̿́̊Ỉ̵̦̐͘D̵̗͂̊̔E̶͉͓̎̇͝ͅS̶̫͓͓̿̄̿ ̶͚̗̭̅̈H̸̻͚̜̒͝Ọ̶̦̟̄W̷̺̜̯͠ ̷͖̹̙̑Ĭ̷̧́M̶̨̜̝͗͋P̷̤͖̃̌̒Ö̴̦R̵̡̿T̷͈̯̆À̶̡̮̜Ṅ̴̢͎̐̋͜T̷̢͖͊͌ ̸̡͕̼̄̈̕Ĩ̴̬S̴̨̝̲̈́͊ ̶̨̟̱̔͆͝A̶̧͂́́ ̴͚̿Ṣ̶͕̤̊̾̚Ȏ̷̧̀U̵͉͊̊͝L̷̪͚͌̈ ̶̥̻͖͗Ö̸͚̬̦́R̷͔̋̑̕ ̴͎̂Y̴̨͓̺̾̇O̵͙̗̊Ŭ̵̡̨̩͠R̶̯̍̊̒ ̴̧̨̣͗͆F̷̼͙̆͗̊Ḯ̶̧̦͑͋R̸̮͛̚S̵͕̲͚̀̒̈́Ţ̶̻̙̓̈́B̶̠͊Ọ̵̧̢̈R̵̜̋̓N̶͇̫͗͌ͅ ̷̧̛̺̱̂̄Ŕ̴̡͎̇͠Ȇ̷̥͔̻̾̏Ḁ̵̛̊͝L̷̛̯͖͍̃L̵̠͆Ý̵̖ SORRY KID, PENCIL MUST'VE GOTTEN AWAY FROM ME THERE! DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! YOU JUST GO ACCEPT THAT DEAL WITH THAT DASHING TRIANGLE, ALRIGHT KID?
AND DON'T FORGET, I'LL BE WATCHING YOU! DON'T MESS THIS UP!
WANT ANSWERS TO YOUR DUMB STUPID QUESTIONS? LEAVE THEM ON THE FORUMS OR MY TALK PAGE, AND MAKE THEM MIND-BOGGLINGY TERRIFYING BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO BE HALLOWEEN, MEATBAGS! NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING TO GO THROW MYSELF DOWN SEVERAL FLIGHTS OF STAIRS. REMEMBER, REALITY IS AN ILLUSION, THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM, BUY GOLD BYEEEEEEE!
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The Spectral Lens
Written by: Boo1268
A Tea Party To Die For
Hello, readers of all walks of life. Welcome to The Spectral Lens. It's September, everybody! And you know what that means, the spooky season is almost around the corner! With spooky antics, scary stories, and a whole bunch of candy. Also, a whole bunch of spooky vibes coming to New Wikisburg. But for now, I'll save the spooky stories for when the time comes. For now, let me tell you how I found out the story of a tea party that lasted 200 years. You see, some time ago when I was investigating the history of the Emerald Circus, I found myself taking a trip to Prism Island to learn more. But doing research is hard work, and I soon found myself becoming very tired and I ended up staying at the Dark Bloo Inn. But while I was there, I felt the presence of a place that was once inhabited by spirits! Intrigued by this revelation, I asked the hotel manager if there had been any history of paranormal activity, and I was met with an astounding yes!
You see, after the founding of the Inn on Prism Island, a group of Toads calling themselves the Tea Party Toads had met at the Dark Bloo Inn after a long day's travel, similar to myself. Each Toad was very different in personality, one being obsessed with Yoshis named Yosh T., another having a passion for bird watching named Bird T., and while some were cranky wanting their rooms to be perfect like Neat T., others just wanted to relax with a good book. But the one thing I can get behind was how this band of misfit Toads came together - it was due to their love of tea. The leader of the bunch, Smart T., was the one who set up the party and brought together the other Toads. He and his friends planned at exactly 3:00, when the grandfather clock chimed, they would have a grand tea party together. However, the grandfather clock broke and they overslept, so the Toads entered a deep depression, being so racked with sadness and guilt for missing their tea party. They died the very next day, not even their favorite pastimes were able to make them smile while they were alive. And so, they became ghosts, and for 200 years they remained in the Inn waiting for the day they might have their tea party. Now you might be wondering, if they became ghosts, what were they doing during those 200 years? What did they do during that time?
Well, I was able to ask them. You see, I have a special item from The Underwhere that BooHoo gave me. It's called a Spirit Speaker Box. It's similar to a spirit box, but you can talk to spirits who have passed on instead of ghosts that are still here in the mortal realm. So when I asked the Toads what they did during those 200 years, I was somewhat shocked to hear that only Smart T. and Los T. were the only ones who remembered anything. Smart T. read every book in the hotel, while Los T. got lost in Plum Park trying to find the teapot for their party. They had left it in the park the day before, but soon after, they realized they needed to take their bags to room 201, so they forgot about the teapot for a while. So why couldn't the rest of the Tea Party Toads remember anything? It's because they are all event spirits. So to make a long story short, event spirits are spirits that only become active during a specific event tied to their death, similar to Archibald Corduroy (from Gravity Falls). When an event spirit's event happens again, or there is something that happens to allow it to happen again, then the ghost will reawake from a trance, hoping to fulfill their one wish.
So besides Smart T. and Los T., the other Tea Party Toads were basically frozen in time until they heard the ringing of the grandfather clock when it was finally repaired. And so, as many of you know by now, Mario helped the wayward spirits complete their tasks and fulfilled their last wish to have a tea party. And so, as I left Prism Island, I found myself not only filled with tea and rest, but also with happiness - being happy that the Tea Party Toads were finally able to rest - and while this story is more heartwarming than spooky, I still find it a frightfully fun tale to tell. So after reading, if you can, have a nice spot of tea, because it may be your last… and with that our story ends. Thank you all for reading, and if any of you are interested about finding out the history behind your favorite characters, places, or events, then give me a request. I'm always happy to see your suggestions. Happy fall everyone, and with that I say: Merci, au revoir.
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Calls to End Diplomatic Tradition Spark Debate
A routine visit by the Ambassador of the Desert Kingdom has sparked a larger debate over the necessity of a long-standing tradition. That tradition is the gifting of the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese, a log of Cheese Land Stilton, the most expensive cheese in all of Cheese Land. The Sacred Cylinder of Cheese is given to the Desert Kingdom Ambassador every time he visits. This tradition goes back hundreds of years and was started in honor of King Morel Toadstool IV's bribing of the then-Mouser emissary of the Desert Kingdom with a log of the finest and most expensive Cheese Land Stilton so as to have the emissary convince the Desert King to side with the Mushroom Kingdom against the Koopa Kingdom. The Desert Kingdom's aid proved crucial to fending off the Koopa Kingdom's attacks, and a long-standing alliance was cemented. Since then, to honor the alliance-making bribe, the Mushroom King has presented the Ambassador of the Desert Kingdom with the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese as a token of remembrance during every official visit.
But the latest giving of the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese has begun a debate, with some wondering if it is still necessary to give out the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese. Some have pointed out that, while it was once rare for the Desert Kingdom's Ambassador to visit the Mushroom Kingdom since travel between the kingdoms was difficult, modern technological advances mean that the Desert Kingdom Ambassador visits multiple times a year now, and that each time he is given a Sacred Cylinder of Cheese in a grand ceremony. Critics claim that this is an unnecessary expense, contending that valuable resources are expended to craft and purchase multiple expensive logs of cheese. Financial watch dogs argue that the kingdom is wasting thousands of coins a year on wasteful cheese purchases for a ceremony which, they argue, few are still interested in.
There have even been reported grumblings from both the foreign office of the Mushroom Kingdom and the Desert Kingdom's embassy. Staff in both organizations have remarked that the frequent ceremonies are gumming up what should be routine diplomatic visits since not only does tradition dictate that the cheese be gifted upon every visit, but also that the entirety of both the staff of the Mushroom Kingdom foreign office and the Desert Kingdom embassy must attend the ceremony. This has led to reported complaints that what should be routine visits on basic diplomatic matters are being needlessly dragged out, making them take longer than they should, something that is reportedly exacerbated by the fact that the current ambassador is rumored to not even like cheese!
The King, on the other hand, has strongly pushed back on the calls to end the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese gifting tradition, with the King's personal secretary, Wooster, putting out the following statement:
His Majesty is saddened to learn of opposition to this beautiful tradition. The Sacred Cylinder of Cheese dates back hundreds of years to the birth of an alliance between two kingdoms. The cheese and its gifting are reminders of what sealed the lasting friendship between our great kingdoms, of what saved our beloved Mushroom Kingdom from potential conquest at the hands of the Koopa Kingdom. The Sacred Cylinder of Cheese is an important tradition that affirms the hopefully-eternal friendship between the Mushroom Kingdom and the Desert Kingdom. It's an important cultural tradition for the Mushroom Kingdom, one of our oldest traditions and our oldest strictly diplomatic tradition. The King disagrees with the idea that the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese is preventing diplomatic work from being done, formally inviting the Ambassador from the Desert Kingdom to stay as an honored guest in the Mushroom Castle if he feels he needs to stay for more time. As for the claims that the kingdom treasury is wasting coins on frequent ceremonies, His Majesty believes that, first, you can't put a price on a ceremony to celebrate your allies, and, second, that the critics are wildly overstating how much comes out of the treasury's general fund. Instead, His Majesty would like to point out that much of the funding for both the acquiring of the cheese and the ceremonies themselves are actually paid personally by His Majesty from both his own funds and the Sovereign Grant paid to the royal family by parliament. Finally, while His Majesty acknowledges the kingdom is constantly changing and evolving, he strongly cautions against the potential destruction of such a majestic tradition between us and our oldest ally.
Despite the King's defense of the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese, Prime Minister Toadsworth has confirmed that the Mushroom Parliament will be setting up a committee to look at both the cost of the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese and the necessity of the ceremony. For their perspectives, we've solicited Former Counsel to Banana Fairy Island Hooded Pitohui, and Shoey, current Professor of History of Mushroom Kingdom Foreign Affairs at Toad Town University.
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Shoe, having seen much of the inner workings of diplomacy, I'll be the first to tell you how important these traditions can be to strengthening alliances. Particularly when conducting diplomatic exchanges with small, distant kingdoms which still place great value on traditional gestures of amity and goodwill and on interpersonal friendships between heads of states, these traditions can be crucial. Certainly, the Mushroom Kingdom made strides in opening up relations with Banana Fairy Island by appealing to the Banana Fairy Queen's passion for photography and making a tradition of gifting collections from its greatest photographers. Yet times have changed, and, with technological revolutions, the Desert Kingdom is no longer so small nor so distant as it once was, and with these changes, so too has changed the value of maintaining this tradition. I won't even cite the expense to taxpayers as an issue, though certainly it is a burden of which they will be relieved if the tradition is done away with. No, as I see it, the heart of this issue is that the gifting of the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese no longer brings any value to the kingdom. In other words, it has become an unwise investment. The Desert Kingdom Ambassador does not even like cheese, and his diplomatic staff have made clear their annoyance with this practice. We are not generating goodwill with this tradition; we are creating a burdensome obligation for the Desert Kingdom's Ambassador and interrupting the work of his staff. Not only is this tradition doing no good for our kingdom, but it is actively harming our interests. When next the Desert Kingdom has an opportunity to conclude a trade deal with the Mushroom Kingdom and the Desert King asks his ambassador his thoughts on overlooking minor points of contention for the sake of friendship, do you think he will think fondly of the kingdom which regularly interrupts his work and tasks him with finding some non-insulting, non-wasteful means of disposing of unwanted cheese? No. I tell you this. In maintaining this tradition, we may keep the Desert Kingdom as an ally, but we will lose them as a friend. I trust in His Majesty, and with further consideration of the matter, I am sure he will see that this tradition is no longer a wise - and is in fact a harmful - investment for our kingdom and will drop his opposition to its termination. |
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Hood, I must say I find it disheartening that so many people would so quickly call to put an end to such a wonderful tradition, and one of our oldest traditions which we have done repeatedly for hundreds of years, at that. The Sacred Cylinder of Cheese isn't just some log of deli cheese you bring to a party; it's a symbol of a wonderful bond between two nations, a reminder of what brought about one of our oldest alliances! They claim it's overly extravagant, but I'd argue that such an event needs to be treated with proper grandeur. They say it's preventing routine diplomatic matters from being attended to, but I counter with this. If the matters are so routine, what is the harm of them being delayed for a day? I've yet to hear an argument for as to how such a delay has harmed Mushroom Kingdom diplomacy. Now, as for the cost, I won't argue that the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese isn't expensive. After all, premium Cheese Land Stilton is among the most expensive in the world. And yes, in theory, the taxpayers are fronting the bill for both the cheese and the ceremony, but that's heavily misleading. Yes, it is true that there is revenue from the general treasury being used to fund the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese ceremonies, but the vast majority of money is being supplied by His Majesty King Toadstool, at least partially from the Sovereign Grant, which is an amount of money granted to the Royal Family each year by parliament. Now, you might argue that there's no difference between funds from the general treasury and funds from the Sovereign Grant, but I heavily disagree. The funds given to His Majesty from the Sovereign Grant are his to use as he sees fit. Nobody has any right to tell His Majesty what he must spend his money on, no more than anybody can tell any private citizen what to spend their money on! So the arguments that it's an excessive use of money from the general treasury really don't hold water. The truth is this. His Majesty King Toadstool is right. We as a kingdom cannot keep abandoning our history, our culture, our traditions. Unique traditions such as the Sacred Cylinder of Cheese are what make this kingdom what it is. They're the foundation for what makes this kingdom so great, and I think it would be a shame to throw away a tradition dating back hundreds of years just because some people think it's a little inconvenient. |
Written by: Legend 8
Episode 10: How NOT To Train Your Dragon
It's a warm-ish September evening, and somewhere in the outskirts of the Mushroom Kingdom, stands a tall castle, made from pure antilogic and surrounded by a moat of lava. Behind it, amidst what could maybe be described as a garden, lies a stone structure resembling an ancient Greek theater. The seats are filled with spectators, and in its center stand our favourite Magikoopa, Pyrokles, in his black robe, and his companion Kroop, on fire as always. (Well, and the Explainer, who is invisible.)
Pyro: Welcome, Mushrooms and Turtlemen, to another Sorcery Show - the only show in the Marioverse that actually breaks its existential boundaries!
Kroop: Wait a sec. Why do you have a castle now? Did I miss anything?!
Pyro: Crazy how much you can buy with the earnings from a free-entry show, right? Anyways. You probably all know us already, so, we can just skip that and start with the fun part. Something you might call magic, but what is in fact: the incredible power of antilogic!!!
Kroop: Yeah, let's go! The boring part is just, well, boring, what else could it be? But I am actually pretty excited for the rest of the performance. Pyro, you didn't tell me anything! You said you had something very special planned for today?
Pyro: Exactly! You will get to feel the power of strange scientific stuff that doesn't even make sense! In the form of... The cutest creature on earth!
Audience: Awwwww...
Kroop: Pyro?... What kind of creature is this going to be?...
Pyro: It's, in fact, a really interesting creature. It's cute. Scaly. Intelligent. Mighty. Always hungry. And absolutely DEADLY. Sounds great, huh?
Pyro, if I'm understanding and explaining this correctly: you're not really going to summon a DRAGON, are you?!
Kroop: Of course he will! You know Pyro, he's not gonna let us stop him. Actually, it wouldn't even have surprised me anymore if he had agreed to finally give you a body. One gets used to it, I guess.
Kroop, stop it! You know that this is important for me! But he just keeps ignoring me whenever I bring it up.
Kroop: That's just the logical reaction when you've been annoying him about it for weeks and weeks. If I were you, I would just wait and... Look! He's starting the conjuration!
Ohhh, I can't watch! The catastrophe rate of his strange ideas is just much too high...
Pyro: Behold, as I bring forth from the deepest dimensional depths a creature of myth and legend!!! Hopefully it will like the dragon food I invented...
Pyro makes some grand gestures and suddenly, a flaming portal opens and out comes a black-and-red scaled baby dragon, about the size of a Goomba.
Dragon: Rrraaaa!
Audience: Aaawwwwwwww!!!
That doesn't seem too dangerous, actually. I'm pretty surprised...
Pyro: Now, watch its incredible power! Breathe fire, dragon!
The dragon breathes a large, roaring flame. The audience is fascinated (except for those sitting in the front row). Pyro takes a dragon treat from his pocket and the dragon greedily gulps it down.
Pyro: There, well done! What a nice little... Huh? Weren't you that small before?
Dragon: Rowaaaaar!
Pyro: Oh, then I must have misremembered. Time for the next trick!
Pyro and the dragon do more and more fancy tricks, and each dragon treat, each inch the dragon grows, Kroop and the Explainer become more and more worried.
Still so sure this was a good idea?
Kroop: Well, I guess Pyro has got it all under his control. But he should stop feeding it...
Meanwhile the dragon is about as big as the theater and a few people have already escaped. Pyro is still happily petting and feeding the dragon, hovering in the air to make it stand on its hind legs.
Kroop: Pyro I think you can stop now! He's become pretty big, hasn't he? I don't think that's natural...
Pyro: Yeah... But after all, I'm not an expert on the dragon growth cycle! Surely he's just having a growth spurt! Yeees, here you go. That's the last one, ok?
Pyro! I think you should have stopped before...
The dragon almost doubles its size in an instant, becoming about as large as Pyro's castle. It roars loudly, then bows its head down towards Pyro, begging for more food.
Pyro: Yeeeess, NOW I see what you meant. Don't worry, I'm sure I can handle this!
The audience run away as Pyro conjures away all his dragon food, telling the dragon there is no more food left. The dragon becomes hangry.
Dragon: ROAAHH! Nom nom draaaaagon foood! More!!!
Pyro: No, look, I haven't got anything left! You should just calm down a bit and revert to your normal size... Aaah! Kroop!!
The dragon hungrily reaches for Kroop and swallows him whole.
Kroop: Why am I always the one who gets taken by a monster when it's all YOUR f...
Poor Kroop... I agree that that's one of the situations where being a bodiless being is very helpful. Pyro, can I have a body now?
Pyro: No, at the moment I am very busy. Dragon! Bad dragon, spit Kroop out!
Dragon: Grrrrrrrrrr...
Pyro: OK, soooo I'm going for plan B: RUUUUUUNNNN and come back with better ideas! Bye!
Pyro tries to teleport away, but the dragon swipes his hat away with its tail, it lands on top of a tree, and the spell fails. He then tries to run away, but the dragon topples the castle over and it crashes onto the ground before Pyro, blocking his way out and burying him under debris. The dragon approaches him.
Dragon: GRRRRRRRRRR!! More foooooodd!!!!
Pyro: Ahem, you see, you just kind of made me unable to summon food... If you could just remove these boulders...
The dragon angrily roars and creates a huge fireball between its jaws, ready to fire it at the trapped Magikoopa.
Pyro, no! How can I help?! Why don't I have a body yet?! I could have saved you!
Pyro: Explainer, I hereby permit you to have a body. But, given my current situation, I can't create it for you. There should still be quite a lot of anti-logical energy within you... That should be enough. Use it! Aaaaaaaaarhrghgh heeeeelpp I don't want to die!!!!
Use it. Use it use it useituseit... Yes! Hello, Pyro! Now I'm going to save you!
In a part of space behind the dragon, reality suddenly glitches out and forms a pair of arms that wave at Pyro. Then, one of the arms takes a Master Ball that randomly fell from Pyro's experimenting room during the collapse of the castle, and throws it at the dragon.
Master Ball, goooooooo!!!
The Master Ball hits the dragon right as it gets ready to fry Pyro, and catches it inside. It falls to the ground, beeping once. Twice. Thrice.
Gotcha! Dragon was caught!
Pyro: Fantastic! I always wondered if it would actually work!
The glitched-out Explainer reaches out again to retrieve Pyro's hat, and as soon as he has it back on, the castle returns to normal and he is no longer trapped.
Perfect! Now I can glitch in and out of physical existence whenever I want! Here, that's your Master Ball.
He takes it and hands it over to Pyro. Pyro takes it and puts it into his pocket.
Pyro: Soooo... Where's my audience gone?
They suddenly hear a muffled knocking sound, coming from Pyro's pocket.
Kroop: Pyro! Let me out of here!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
'Ey, it's-a me, DryBonesBandit! In issue 208, I wrote a one-time section called "Studying Abroad", which was a section talking of an adventure in World 5 of New Super Mario Bros. while studying three species there (It also got third place in the vote, which is still a Top 3 placement, so thanks to the eight voters!). So, I thought I'd do a similar section every other month, which starts with an adventure while also providing an analysis on a single species. I'll take suggestions for next month's species, so leave a suggestion in my talk page if you want one (but please don't put Snailicorn just because I said "Please, never ask me to go to World 5 again.")! Without further ado, let's-a go!
Analyzed today is the Piranha "Plant" (piranhacus normalicus), a common "plant" species seen throughout many kingdoms.
The Adventure
Besides the book research I did, I wanted to see one in person. On my way to study Piranha "Plants", I had to find a place to study, first of all. I had many candidates which I didn't choose: the Piranha Patch, because apparently it was reserved for party games; the Desert area oasis for the same reason, Tiny-Huge Island because I decided I didn't want to get toasted, and the Pipe Vault, because these annoying camouflage Shy Guys shoot at me and run away everytime I go there. So, I finally settled on Piranha "Plant" Slide, which allows people to enter during maintenance. I arrived, and arrived at the water fork, where a Piranha "Plant" resided. I went to study it, not accounting for the flowing water below me. I was knocked over, and the "plant" ate me in one bite! Good thing for Wi-Fi, or this message wouldn't've gotten to the 'Shroom staff (while you're at it, can you guys send someone to help?)
The Analysis
So, Piranha "Plants". Let's talk about 'em.
Appearance
These "flowers" have heads which vary in color based on the environment, but are most commonly red. These heads come with white spots, and lips that are sometimes green or white, but mostly the latter nowadays. Finally, they have stems, commonly green but sometimes seen in other colors like yellow, with two leaves of matching color. On the bottom of their stems, they can have a stub, a goop sac, or roots, which can double as legs. But that's just the outside. On the inside, they have red mouths, with rows of white teeth, and a pink tongue. Additionally, subspecies such as the Fire Piranha "Plant" (piranhacus flaricus), Ice Piranha "Plant" (piranhacus chillicus), and the Poison Piranha "Plant" (piranhacus toxicus) have organs in their heads that allow them to produce their respective projectile in their mouths for spitting.
You may have noticed that I've been putting the word plant (and flower on one occasion) in quotation marks. Well, that's for one simple reason…
because THEY aren't plants!
They aren't plants
Yes, you read this right! Piranha "Plants" aren't plants!
First of all, see their mouths? Plant species never have teeth, nor tongues! But the main reasoning for this claim is Bone Piranha Plants (piranhacus skeletus)! These skeletal Piranha Plants tell you everything! Only animals have skeleton systems! These "living" "plant" carcasses are the undead versions of Piranha "Plants". They have white skulls, with holes in the same places the white spots were when they lived. Their stem stubs have bones! Their lips have bones, too! Their leaves have bones, also! And don't get me started on their stems; they have spines! This leaves me with a single conclusion; Piranha Plants are animals! They were misidentified as plants based on their unique growth cycle and appearance!
Now that I got that out, let's talk about their behavior.
Behavior
These animals are sentient beings that can make their own choices and are capable of speech. They are carnivorous creatures, preying on small animals, and have a taste for humans (thanks Bowser!). If they are evil, and you are a human, most commonly a plumber, that needs to go rescue another human, most commonly a princess (you'd be surprised how commonly this happens), then I have some useful info for you about these guys! Piranha Plants, if in pipes, periodically exit and enter the pipes to eat anything that falls on top of them. However, they are shy beings; they won't exit their pipes if you are touching them. Notably, back in the '80s, their coloration commonly showed their bravery; the red ones would exit regardless, while the green ones would stay in the pipes. Nowadays, coloration doesn't have a factor in the equation, as both get scared. But what if these animals don't have a pipe to call home?
A pipeless plant, if not hired for a custom level, will bite at any passerby. Notably, these can be stomped in a 3-dimensional environment, but otherwise, can only be jumped over. Advice for these fellows is to just jump over them, unless they are stompable.
Weaknesses
Piranha Plants have many weaknesses; most thrown objects (and enemies such as Galoombas or Mechakoopas) and projectiles can take them out. The only real strength they have is that they can't be stomped in two dimensions (though you can Spin-Jump on them without harm).
Conservation status
These guys are abundant, no threat of extinction at all. Don't go near 'em if they aren't friendly, though.
The end
Editor's note
So! Did you like it? Make sure to let me know and give me a species for next time! See 'ya!
Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents
Written by: The Shoe (talk) and Time (talk) Advertising Conglomerate
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Bite Sized Issue: Mario's House
Hey. Cosmo here. I was feeling lazy this week so I sent this up-and-coming Shy Guy writer to find a travel destination and write a travel guide for it. Over to Guy, the Shy Guy guy.
Hello, readers. It's I, Guy. I have journeyed long and far to find the perfect travel destination, and I believe I have found it. Feast your eyes upon the Mario House! Weird name. Wonder who this Mario guy is.
Upon arriving at this house, I stumbled upon two Italian Visitors. They seemed strangely irritated. I kept trying to talk to the red one, but he kept grunting. The two would not allow me to use the beds, so I set up an air mattress. The green one kept trying to tell me something, but he ended up lulling me to sleep.
In the morning, I treated myself to Eggs and Mushroom, cooked by the Italian men. I politely ate my meal, not complaining that they put mushrooms into my meal, because I'm nice like that. I went outside and noticed the mailbox had some letters in it. I couldn't find anything addressed to me, only some strangers. I assumed they had the wrong address and marked them Return to Sender.
I went back inside the house soon after a short walk, as I wanted to check if there were any complimentary mints or soaps, like you'd see at a hotel. It seemed at this house, they had complimentary souvenirs. Lots of red and green stuff, they must really like Christmas. The Italian men are really getting on my nerves. They tried to steal my souvenirs!
I cooked dinner that night. The Italian men didn't seem to enjoy it. I guess they just don't understand the fine art of charcoal cheese. When I woke up the next day, the house was on fire. Some angry lizard guy was spewing fire. It was so annoying. Plus there was some girl who wouldn't shut up. She kept punching the lizard guy for some reason. I got out of there as fast as I could.
In conclusion, visiting here was a very mixed experience. The landscape was nice, but the locals are crazy. Plus apparently multiple people book at a time. I found out that woman who assaulted the lizard was actually the ruler of an entire kingdom! Yikes. I heard there's a much more peaceful kingdom called Browser's Kingdom or something. Visit there instead. This has been Guy. Passing to Cosmo.
Conclusion and Boring Talking
Yikes. What a train wreck. Ahem, with that bit out of the way now I can break the fourth wall and talk to you guys. Sorry about the shorter issue. I'm currently engrossed in school stuff *shudder* but my break's coming up so expect a few longer ones soon.
Fun fact: For the first time, I started a writing draft for The Sunshine Travel Guide, and abandoned it! I thought the humor was awful and the writing was pretty weak, but I might revisit it at some point because I liked the idea.
Anyway, I was plotting some ideas for The Sunshine Travel Guide, and I had some fun ideas for shake-ups of the normal formula, like this one. For example, one where I have to write about the first location that shows up when I click the Random Page button, or one where I have to write a full length issue based on an obscure or small location. PLEASE come down to the Sunshine Travel Guide page on the forums (you can find it under 'Shroom Creations!) and tell me your ideas for shake-ups of the formula, characters who should write an issue (like Bar D. Joque or Guy), or just a location for me to cover.
I'd better wrap this up soon, or it's gonna get longer than the issue, but I wanted to say a Thank You to Quizmelon for giving us one of the most hysterical sections of the 'Shroom. He was one of my biggest inspirations for joining the 'Shroom. I hope he enjoys wherever life takes him next. Anyway, bye, and see you next month.
Fungal Forager's Field Guide
Written by: Patisserie Shoey (talk) and W.P. Hoodington (talk)
The following modified transcript is provided to The 'Shroom by MKBC. In this month's episode, the Fungal Forager's Field Guide's hosts travel to the distant Northern Kremisphere to find and document the rotund Booty Bird.
Species: Booty Bird
Documented Range: Northern Kremisphere
Family: Flying Fiends
Naturalist's Note: Does the elasticity of its abdominal muscles suggest an evolutionary connection to Yoshis, or is this merely a case of convergent evolution?
The Booty Bird is well-known for its extensively-documented habit of consuming valuable items equaling or even considerably exceeding its body size, storing the consumed items in a specialized gastrointestinal pouch popularly though mistakenly thought to be its stomach. This pouch, however, produces no digestive enzymes of its own, and the consumed items (which may range from Bear Coins to Kong Letters to barrels) are digested only extremely gradually, with breakdown carried out by commensal anaerobic microorganisms. Remarkably, bearing such weight within its body does not seem to prevent the Booty Bird from lifting into the air, although it does appear to impede movement, with most Booty Birds seemingly hovering in one stationary position.
Why the Booty Bird seems to primarily swallow items of considerable value and what purpose this behavior serves was long a matter of debate. Though the Booty Bird does appear to absorb into its body a share of the broken-down materials, this process does not appear to be nutritionally necessary. Experiments with captive Booty Birds have shown that those raised in environments with no Bear Coins to swallow are in no way nutritionally-deficient compared to Booty Birds allowed to swallow Bear Coins, and no convincing hypothesis suggesting that the swallowed items perform some useful physiological function have been put forward to date.
Now, it is believed that the Booty Bird swallows these so-called treasures in order to facilitate more effective escape. When startled and struck by potential predators, the Booty Bird contracts its abdominal muscles, forcefully expelling its swallowed item. While on rare occasion this behavior is sufficient to deter a potential predator, in most cases it is the predator becoming distracted by the expelled item which gives the Booty Bird an opportunity to escape. Lured in by the shininess of, say, a Bear Coin or the radiant power of a Kong Letter, the predator turns its focus on the expelled treasure while the Booty Bird, now considerably slimmer and thus more difficult to spot, flies away. This hypothesis even offers an explanation of why the Booty Bird selectively swallows valuable items. Shinier, brighter, and more aromatic items are more effective in distracting predators, creating a selection pressure favoring Booty Birds which consume items which coincidentally are viewed as highly valuable.
Delicacy Status: Common Fowl
Weight: 11-24 lbs
Flavor Profile: Varied
Chef's Tip: Booty Bird legs make great treats for pet Chain Chomps!
An avian scavenger from the Northern Kremisphere, the Booty Bird is something of a Kinder Surprise of the culinary world. Sometimes known as the treasure bird because of the odd things that have been found inside their stomachs, Booty Birds are known for eating a variety of strange things such as Wooden Barrels and Bear Coins. The Booty Bird stores the food inside its stomach with a slow digestion process. Because of this slow-cooking digestion system, the flavor of whatever object it has eaten starts to absorb into the meat itself. Now, how a Booty Bird manages to eat some of these things such as Steel Kegs which are larger than itself, I don't know, but I do know that after a Booty Bird eats its stomach balloons up greatly, expanding the amount of meat provided! Because of the various ways a Booty Bird's diet can affect the meat, a Booty Bird is almost like a surprise bag of flavors, and the birds are one of a creative chef's favorite avian foods!
Now, it is possible to get a Booty Bird that hasn't eaten any treasures, but, to me, regular non-fed Booty Bird commits two cardinal sins of the cooking world. First off, a Booty Bird that hasn't eaten recently has a very bland, very basic bird flavor, similar to a Hefty Goonie. It's just not a very exciting meat to use, and I've found that even the strongest spices don't really bring out any flavor. Second, a Booty Bird that hasn't eaten provides very little meat since Booty Birds aren't naturally very large birds. Because of this, it's just not worth the time or effort to procure regular Booty Bird meat since it's a lot of effort for little payoff.
Now, as for Booty Birds that have eaten, there are two things you should stay away from. If you look down its throat and see either a Steel Keg or a Bear Coin, you might as well throw that bird out. Not only do Steel Kegs and Bear Coins give a very strong metallic taste to the meat, with a Steel Keg's Booty Bird tasting like pure iron and Bear Coins imparting a taste I would compare to licking nickel, they also make the meat exceedingly tough, almost as if you cast it in steel. So, unless you like the taste of metal and having to cut your food with a chainsaw, I'd stay away from these two!
Now, the most common Booty Bird you'll find is one that has eaten a Banana Bunch. A Booty Bird that has eaten a Banana Bunch has a very nice fruity, sweet flavor. Because of this, I've found the best part of the Booty Bird is the breast. Flay the breasts off with a thin knife and then you can go two ways. If you're looking to grill or bake it, marinate the breasts in a marinade of soy sauce, honey, pepper, and minced garlic. Marinate that for two hours, then wrap the breasts in foil; that way, while cooking, you don't lose any marinade to runoff. Cook until a safe temperature, and you've got the perfect lean Booty Bird breasts! Then serve them on a nice wheat bun with mayo, lettuce, and tomato, and you've got a perfectly healthy Booty Bird sandwich. Now, if you're not watching your figure, after marinating it, roll it in breading before deep frying it in oil (an air fryer will also do in a pinch) until golden brown. Then serve on a buttered Hawaiian bun with mayo, tomato, and pickle, and you've got the perfect fried chicken sandwich!
If you peer into the mouth of a Booty Bird and you see a Wooden Barrel, do not panic. Your first instinct might be to toss out the bird, but I'm here to tell you that couldn't be further from the truth. A Booty Bird with a barrel in its stomach is perfect for BBQ chicken. Now, there are a couple ways you can do this. Me personally, I like to slow cook the Booty Bird whole in a smoker before removing the barrel. This not only gives it a very nice smoky flavor, but no matter what you use as your heating source, the meat of the Booty Bird will have a nice earthy and hickory flavor. It'll also let the meat become so tender that you can easily shred it right off the bones, making for some fantastic pulled Booty Bird. From there, you'll want to carefully remove the splinters from the meat, and make sure you're very thorough with this, because you wouldn't want somebody choking on wood you errantly missed. A lot of people prefer to extract the barrel and de-splinter the meat before cooking it because it makes splinter extraction easier and they're nervous about cooking a barrel. And that's fine if you feel better about it, but personally I think removing the barrel before smoking doesn't quite give you the right hickory flavor. From there, after you finish pulling the meat off the bone, slather it in Tangerino Grill BBQ sauce and you have the perfect BBQ pulled Booty Bird for any block party or graduation party!
Finally, there's the rarest of all Booty Birds, and I'll be honest, if you want to acquire one of these, it's going to cost you a pretty penny. The last Booty Bird is the rare Kong Letter Booty Bird. You might think that Kong Letter Booty Birds should fall into the same category as a Bear Coin or a Steel Keg. After all, they're both metal, right? Well, no! There's something about a Kong Letter's mysterious radiant power that creates a fantastic flavor. So, for this one, with the magical powers of a Kong Letter, we're gonna get a little fancy! First, do not remove the Kong Letter from the Booty Bird's gut or you'll lose the radiant flavor. Instead, we're going to carefully pluck the feathers from the Booty Bird, then we're going to stuff the Booty Bird with a red delicious apple, two cloves of garlic, a stick of cinnamon, a cup of cranberry sauce (the jelly kind), and finally a leek. You can cook this in an oven, and, if you do, you'll want to cook it in a pan with roasted potatoes around it. That way, the Booty Bird flavor can soak into the potatoes. You'll also want to regularly baste the Booty Bird with its own drippings. Bake for two hours at 425 degrees (F) and you'll have a great bird for any special occasion.
That's something you can do, and your guests won't be disappointed, but remember we're getting fancy on this bird! So instead, what we're going to do is, after we stuff the Booty Bird, we're going to soak the bird in a combination of lemon juice and brown sugar, then we're going to pull out our deep fryer. Bring the oil up to temp and then drop the bird into the oil. Now, before you do this, make sure you place the deep fryer outside and you have a fire extinguisher on hand. You don't wanna end up burning your house down in a fire! Deep fry until golden brown and, bam, you have the perfect, most mystically delicious bird you'll ever eat. All of the flavors melt together into a perfect harmony for your taste buds! Plus, after frying, you won't even have to worry about de-boning the Booty Bird because, thanks to the Kong Letter's power, even the bones will become perfectly edible. A deep fried Kong Letter Booty Bird is the perfect meal for any special occasion or family holiday!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 210 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | TV Tomorrow Commentary Tracks |
