The 'Shroom:Issue 217/Palette Swap
Director's Notes
We're back in April- welcome to The 'Shroom!
How are we all feeling about the Switch 2? The direct was... controversial, to put it lightly. Don't get me wrong, the new console looks great and the games they're introducing for it look amazing, but I have the same complaints as most people: the price. I wasn't thrilled when they priced The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom for $70, and seeing Mario Kart World for $80 makes me even more concerned. The fact that they want to charge additional money for an upgraded copy of Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild when most people have already paid close to a hundred dollars for the game and its DLC doesn't sit right with me. I'm on the fence about pre-ordering right now. If they're still releasing games for the Switch (like Pokemon: Legends ZA) alongside the Switch 2, it wouldn't hurt to wait and see what happens. Man, I don't think anyone was expecting this when the direct was first announced back in February.
Price discussions aside, it's another month of music, art, and fics for you. ClawgripFan9001 is continuing his celebration of our favorite purple villain with a new Waluigi story for you, and everyone else has brought their best as well. I won't keep you up here any longer, so get reading!
Happy reading! ~FunkyK38
Section of the Month
Let's move to Section of the Month results next! On top once again is winstein (talk)'s The ? Panel, congratulations! Following that, we have a tie for second place between Waluigi Time (talk)'s Shmaluigi, Private Investigator and aomaf (talk)'s Story Without Text. A big thank you to everyone for voting, and please keep it up this month, too!
| PALETTE SWAP SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The ? Panel | 20 | 46.51% | winstein (talk) |
| 2nd | Shmaluigi, Private Investigator | 6 | 13.95% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 2nd | Story Without Text | 6 | 13.95% | aomaf (talk) |
The ? Panel
Toad: {Running with arms in the air} AAAAAH!!!
Toadette: {Skidding} We're cornered!
{Waluigi the Wampire strikes a threatening pose and bares his sharp vampiric teeth as he approaches the Toads}
Toadette: Oh no!
Wampire: Weh-heh-heh... I got you now!
Toad: Take this, Wampire!
{Toad whips out a cross}
{Toad adamantly holds the cross in front of the Wampire, and broke a sweat}
{The Wampire looks at the cross with indifference}
Wampire: {Swipes away the cross from Toad's hands, causing it to fall out of the window} Fool! You thought a cross would terrify the great Wampire? This is nothing to me!
Toadette: {Putting her hand in the basket} Maybe... maybe the memento from Baron Luiguini can save us...
{Toadette is thinking of the time when Baron Luiguini, who resembles Luigi, puts something in her basket}
Toad: {In fear} We can only hope...
Toadette: {Whips out something from her pouch} Here goes! {The thing has the appearance of glowing bright}
{The Wampire has an aghast expression when looking at the gleaming thing}
{The background is flashing in greenish yellow, indicating that the Wampire wasn't able to see clearly amidst the delirium}
Wampire: WAAAH!!! Get that horrible thing away from me! {The Wampire dramatically grabs his chest and stands on his knees in anguish} I'm done for... {The Wampire passes out} Curse thee, peasant!
{The Wampire lies motionless on the ground}
Toadette: {The thing that she was holding is an amulet that looks like a green "L" emblem} Whoa, I can't believe that actually worked!
Toad: Ha! Why don't you take that "L", you dastardly Wampire!
{The scene shifts to Wario sitting on a chair watching the movie on TV, with a popcorn bucket next to him} Wario: {Reaching hand to TV as to express disbelief} Ridiculous! Getting spooked by a mere letter. Come on!
{A reddish flash appears from the television, and what was shown terrifies Wario}
Wario: {Becomes black as to signify an expression of horror} OH MY GOD!!!
{The television is revealed to be showing a white circle with a red "M", basically Mario's emblem. The popcorn bucket drops on the floor and popcorn spills from it}
Wario: {Covers his eyes and faces away from the TV, while swinging his hand as to helplessly try to ward off what's shown on screen} WAH! Begone! Make that horrible... THING go away!
Television: "And now, a word from our sponsor, Mario Mart Corp."
Shmaluigi, Private Investigator
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Light at the End of the Tunnel: Part 6
Where do I even begin? After spending six years thinking my fiancée was dead and dedicating my life to bringing down the man that took her from me, I find out that she's still alive after all this time - albeit brainwashed and working for my arch-nemesis. As elated as I was that she was more or less okay, the circumstances of our reunion were quite gut-wrenching, I had to admit. I finally see her again and I still haven't even been able to hold a proper conversation with her. Instead, here I was, disguised as Monty Brando, trying to undo this mess by bringing her to an unassuming fortune teller of all things on my brother's recommendation. Hopefully Mertle's purification spell worked...
"Well, child? How do you feel?" the Shaman asked.
There was silence for a moment, before Jasmine slowly started to pull herself up off of the floor. "I... YOU!"
Suddenly, I was soaked by a torrent of cold water and sent crashing against the wall, and the room quickly grew darker as several candles were extinguished by stray droplets. I didn't expect that, but I quickly remembered that I was still taking on Brando's form. Jasmine having a bone to pick with him, possibly even more than I did, was understandable - actually, that might be the understatement of the year.
"EXCUSE ME! This is a peaceful establishment!" Mertle shouted. "Take your violence elsewhere!"
"Don't worry ma'am, it should only take a minute to deal with this scum of the earth," Jasmine replied.
"Wait! I'm not Brando!" I exclaimed, hoping to get a brief pause. Dropping your disguise is harder to do when you're under attack by a water mage than you'd think.
Her grimace of disgust at this man quickly disappeared, replaced by a look of confusion. "What? No, you look just like him, you've got the voice down... Unless... Y-you're..."
With a moment of respite, I turned back into my true form - the first time I'd voluntarily done that in years. Silence followed, and the tension was so thick you'd probably need a chainsaw to cut through it. Finally, she spoke.
"Connor? You... you saved me..."
Man. The amount of emotion in her voice absolutely gutted me.
What can you do after that but a wordless embrace?
It was her again. After all these years I spent thinking she was long gone. Not some brainwashed shell, but my soulmate. If I thought about it much more, she wouldn't be the only one conjuring up water.
"Oh, you're, um, you're soggy."
"It's fine, I don't really mind... Come on, let's go home."
And we did just that, most likely leaving a confused Shaman in our wake as I led Jasmine back to my humble little office. I wished I could've taken her back to the home we once shared, but that was long gone, much like most other things from that time. I had no idea who was living there now - I never had much reason to go back, nor do I think I could've bore it back then.
"Wait, I remember this place... Shmaluigi was you?!"
"Yeah, that was me- wait, what do you mean you remember it?"
"Brando sent me to keep tabs on you a few times." So my offhand thought was right, then... Sometimes my intuition was way off, other times I was so on the nose it freaked me out a little. "To think we were so close... I wonder, if you weren't disguised... Would I have recognized you, even just a little? Would I have felt anything?"
"So you still remember all that time working for him, then?"
"Yeah, well, sort of... Looking back on it, I guess I mostly just remember events and facts. I don't remember feeling or thinking much, or at all, really..." She faced towards the floor and twiddled her thumbs as she spoke. I could tell looking back on it was hard for her, and for good reason. How would you feel if you spent six years being a near-mindless drone? "But seriously, what's the deal with the Shmaluigi thing?"
"Well, I was devastated when you vanished, I'm sure you can imagine. The cops never got anywhere, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. This whole time I assumed you were dead - as much as I wanted to believe that wasn't the case, it was only a few days ago I began to suspect otherwise - so I vowed to avenge you and do whatever I could to take down Brando. I didn't know much about him at the time, but I figured if he had the resources to make someone like you disappear, he could probably deal with a Duplighost just as easily, so Shmaluigi was the disguise I came up with to keep him off the trail. Besides my brother, I didn't really have anything left after you were gone... Nothing that meant anything, anyway. So I just... started over with a new identity. That's pretty much the short version of things."
"Wow... How is Russo these days, anyway, now that you mention him?"
"Oh, he's fine, still... himself. He was pretty eager to go along with the whole thing. Goes by Shmwario now, you might've heard of him."
"Mm... No, I don't think so. At least, I don't remember Brando mentioning that name."
"Yeeeah, that doesn't really surprise me, actually. He tries to follow in my footsteps as a private investigator, but between you and me, his skills aren't entirely up to snuff. Not exactly the kind of person Brando would see as a threat..."
"So, about Brando. He's been missing for a while now, and then you show up impersonating him. I take it you know what happened to him?"
"Well... He's dead."
"Oh. That's good, I guess. I kind of would've liked to get my hands on him myself, but maybe it's better this way."
"I'm not sure how much of his plan you were privy to, but he was delivering a trainload of weapons to Dark Land and it blew up with him on it. I suppose it would be more accurate to say I blew it up, actually. I couldn't find him afterwards, but there's no way he could've survived that..."
A slight smile appeared on her face, as if she was proud of me. "Probably not. I don't think cheating death was much of a concern of his. Nice job taking him out, though."
"Heh, thanks. Would've been nice to see him rot in prison for the rest of his life, I have to admit, but as long as he's not a threat anymore, I'll take what I can get. I don't think I'll be using that disguise again anytime soon, though. Things got a little hairy after you left. That Wizzerd saw right through me..."
She fell silent again, and her expression soured. It occurred to me that this individual may have been a touchy subject, for good reason.
"Jasmine? You okay?"
"You mean Darcane. He's the one who... I..."
"Yeah, um, I mostly figured that out... We don't have to talk about it."
"Anyway, Brando's underlings are smart. Well, the top men are, anyway. Even if they don't know what happened to him, if you tipped them off they're probably going to move on. They'll probably try to reorganize, but their loyalty's not to each other. I don't think it'll work out in the long run."
"So that's the end of that, then. We can finally move on," I said, both to her and myself. With Brando out of the picture, Jasmine and I back together, and what remained of his criminal operations on their way to self-destructing, it finally seemed like the end of a long, dark era. Still, leaving things to fizzle out on their own by chance nagged at the back of my mind, but maybe I should just let sleeping Chomps lie. "It's been a rough time for both of us, why don't we get some rest?"
She smiled at me again. "Yeah, I'd like that."
"Shmaluigi? Can you hear me?"
I struggled to recognize the voice at first. As my vision returned to me, I found myself in a dark room illuminated by a single overhead light. And the voice belonged to... No... It couldn't be... He was dead, he had to be! How was he here?
"Ah, good, I see you're finally awake," Brando said, with the most sinister smirk I'd ever seen in my life.
Instinctively, I tried to lunge at him - only to find that I was restrained in this extremely uncomfortable chair. And... back in my Shmaluigi form? This didn't make sense, this had to be a dream. "You're not real, just go away!"
He chuckled in response. "If that's what you want to tell yourself, by all means. When I found you after you derailed my master plan, so to speak, I figured I may as well indulge my petty side with all the trouble you've caused me over the years. Killing you then and there, well, it would've been the easy way out, but it wouldn't have been as fun, now would it? I do hope you've been enjoying this special device of mine. Perhaps you saw life as you would've wanted it? Showing it to you and then ripping it away as nothing but a farce of my own construction, well... It almost makes the massive setback you caused worth it. Almost."
"No... That's not true! You're lying! All of this is a lie!"
"Denial will only carry you so far, detective. But now that our little introduction is out of the way, why don't we see how bad things can truly get? When I push this button, mark my words, you will regret ever trying to interfere with me."
"NO!"
The next thing I knew, I was back in my own bed, bolted upright in a cold sweat. I was back in my true Duplighost form, and Jasmine was lying sound asleep next to me. Everything was fine. Just breath, Connor.
Ohhh, the subconscious... You vile thing.
After last night's horrid nightmare, I realized that I wouldn't be able to just let the remains of Brando's organization hopefully collapse on its own over time through infighting and power grabs. I had to strike at them, and soon. This needed to end, and I needed to know for sure it was over. In all honesty, I knew what would happen afterwards. Other crime bosses would move into the vacuum and we'd be right back at square one, probably. But this, this was personal.
I sat down to breakfast, but I couldn't eat anything. Even though I knew it was all fake, "Brando's" words still haunted my thoughts.
"I don't know if you should be having this for breakfast, it doesn't seem very healthy," Jasmine said, looking at the nutritional info on the back of the Waluigi Time Cereal box. "Hey, are you alright? You've been really quiet this morning..."
"It's this whole thing with Brando... I don't think I can give this up until Brando's organization is gone for good. I just don't know how... When I got to Brando's base before, I was going to have the NWPD swarm the place, but we didn't really get the chance before Darcane ruined the whole plan."
"Well... Now that I think about it, Brando had something called the Safehouse. If the main headquarters ever got compromised, that's where we would go. They probably all flocked there after your cover was blown..."
"Oh, that makes it easy then, I can just send the NWPD there to mop things up! Where is it?"
"I know where it is, but no, it's not that simple. They have multiple escape plans, if you try that they'll all be long gone. Someone would have to be there to keep them in..."
Someone, eh? "Well, I think I know the person for the job, and he's me, but I'm going to have to call in the big guns for this."
Thankfully, Shmwario and Shmaisy had nothing else going on and were ready to come over to my place for some early morning crime-busting.
"Oh hey, you got Jazz all straightened out! What'd I tell ya 'bout that Shaman, eh?" he said, then leaned in towards me. "Uh, she knows who I am, right?"
"Yeah, she knows."
"Okay, good! Nice to see ya again!" he said with a big grin as he gave her a handshake.
"How did your handshake get even more aggressive?" Jasmine asked, trying to keep herself steady.
"Wario muscles, baby! Bwahaha! Really comes in handy. Oh, you haven't met my roommate yet!"
"Is that how you're going to introduce me? Hi, I'm Shmaisy," she said, giving Jasmine a much more reasonable handshake.
"Nice to meet you. You look familiar, though... Are you a Duplighost too?" Jasmine asked.
"No, but I'm from another world entirely, if that counts for anything," Shmaisy replied. Jasmine didn't have any response to that other than a shocked and slightly confused gasp.
"Hey, you gotta ease her in!" Shmwario said. "She just got her brains unscrambled!"
"Anyway," I interjected, trying to get us back on track, "we have to infiltrate the Safehouse to buy the NWPD enough time to move in."
"Sounds easy-peasy!" Shmwario replied.
"Okay, so like I said they've got multiple escape plans to get out of there at the first sign of trouble," Jasmine explained. "They've got two exterior exits and a one-way warp pipe inside. Makes it really hard to pin them down. Also, the whole building is rigged to self-destruct-"
"WHAT?" Shmwario shouted.
"Easy-peasy. Uh-huh, sure," Shmaisy said, clearly mocking his premature confidence.
"I don't know if it would come to that," Jasmine continued. "They wouldn't start the timer while they're still inside, so it would just be if they get past us and we have to rush to get out."
My stomach dropped a bit at that particular word choice. "We? Jasmine, I... I don't want you going in there, especially with Darcane still out there. I can't lose you again..."
"I'll be fine, trust me. It was different six years ago, I don't think he could pull off those spells again with us putting the pressure on all of them. Besides, you're going to need my help."
"Hey, what about those Mystery Dudes? Maybe they could do it instead." Shmwario suggested.
"They're basically just kids, this is too dangerous for them. I'll pay them off for their help so far, but now that IG-11's out of commission, their part in this is over," I replied. I still didn't like the idea of her being in harm's way, but I also wanted to trust my fiancée. "Alright, we'll do it. We just need a plan."
Following Jasmine's lead, we arrived across the street from the Safehouse. On the outside, it was just an unassuming building tucked away in New Wikisburg's warehouse district, looking no different from any of the others. Who would've guessed the inside was a mafia hideout?
Actually, bad guys hiding out in warehouses is pretty cliché by now. Someone probably could've guessed it.
"So, how are we going to get in?" I asked.
"The loading dock's the best bet," Jasmine replied. "I can slip in and open the door from the inside, but we need to get rid of the security guards first, otherwise they'll alert the whole base when we approach..."
"Maybe Shmwario can smoke them out with his breath, yeesh," Shmaisy said.
"Hey, that's not my breath! It's my garlic breakfast burrito! The pungency really adds to the experience," he replied.
"That gives me an idea... Are there any exterior vents leading to the security office?" I asked.
"Hm, I'll check," she said, disappearing into the shadows.
"What are ya thinkin'?" Shmwario asked.
"We're going to use that burrito to get the guards to leave," I replied.
"Aw, c'mon! That was gonna be my snack! I mean, I guess you can do it, but you owe me a new one, plus a hardship fee!"
"Fine then."
Jasmine returned with good news. "Yep, we got one. It's right over there."
With a clear path forward, Operation Burrito was a go. I pried open the vent cover and used my extra height to toss the burrito in. I guess Shmwario could've gotten the extra height if he changed into Waluigi too, but that just seemed weird...
Jasmine went on a quick reconnaissance run to confirm if the plan worked. "Guards have abandoned the post, we're good to go."
With everything clear, we ran around back and Jasmine slipped through to get us inside. Infiltration successful.
"Okay Shmwario, you know what to do," I said. "Guard this exit with your life."
"Roger!"
The rest of us went ahead, making our way through the halls. Jasmine seeing the blueprints for this place sure came in clutch.
"Okay, the pipe's in here," Jasmine said. "If you keep following that hall Connor, you'll get to the other exit. Shmaisy, you're with me. I'll keep the pipe flooded as best as I can."
"Let's do this," Shmaisy said, lighting up a cigarette. If that wasn't part of the plan, I'd be very nervous.
"Good luck," I told them. "Jasmine... I love you."
"Right back at you."
I ran down the hall, briefly turning back for one last look, and found myself at the other exterior door. With everything in place, I called the NWPD to get them down here ASAP, full response. Right after I got off the phone, the fire alarms went off and activated the sprinklers. Way to go, Shmaisy. Naturally, this started a massive panic in the base.
I was a little unsure about being set to guard this by myself, but I had shapeshifting and wiles on my side. I sure hoped they'd go for the loading dock, though...
And who came scampering down the hall but my least favorite idiots, Crawford and Sledger?
"Aw great, it's dat Shmaluigi again. I got a bone to pick wit' you!" Crawford said, shaking his fist.
"Hey, his brother's not with him this time. This oughta be fun," Sledger chuckled, with a sinister grin on his face.
"Alright, well the cops are outside already so if you want to beat me up and deal with them, have at it," I said. They weren't. Were these two dumb enough to fall for it? They were.
"Uhh... On second thought, we don't need to deal with them coppas! We'll just go for the otha one, see ya around gumshoe!"
I've never seen those two turn tail so quick. That gave me a bit of renewed confidence, although maybe it shouldn't have...
"Well, well... If it isn't... the "great" Shmaluigi."
Yeah, it definitely shouldn't have.
There was Darcane, floating in the hallway, possibly one of the most dangerous criminals remaining in Brando's organization, and all that was standing between him and running home free was beanpole me. I had to keep him occupied.
"So we meet again, Darcane."
"Again...? Interesting... Very... interesting... I have not met you before... Yet, I sense... Yes, you are... the Duplighost from before. Were you... him this whole time? Or are you just trying... to scare me? It doesn't matter... You are trying... to waste my time."
"Well, as a matter of fact-"
The next thing I felt was a searing electrical shock as I crumpled to the floor, the result of a powerful lightning spell.
"Okay, so... Maybe you're not one for conversation?" I said, gritting my teeth through the pain.
"If I had time... I would dispose of you... properly. Maybe next time... Duplighost."
Just then, the door behind me abruptly swung open.
"Freeze, NWPD!"
Thank goodness.
Backup had arrived, in massive numbers. After I managed to peel myself up off the floor, I met up with the others outside. As far as I could tell, it was a massive success - all of Brando's underlings who were here got taken in, including that dreaded Wizzerd.
"Well, I got to hand it to you, Shmaluigi. You really pulled this one off," Chief Palmer said.
"Thanks chief, but I couldn't have pulled it off without these guys, and of course my wonderful fiancée here."
"Aww..."
"F-fiancée?!" Chief Palmer exclaimed. "I feel like I missed something..."
After everything that had gone down, we desperately needed some time to unwind, so the four of us went to the Sipping Time Café, my treat. The table back in the corner was always my favorite at places like this.
"So... Now that all that's over, you still gonna be a PI?" Shmwario asked.
"To be honest... I don't know," I answered. "I mean, I'm good at it and I've got the recognition. And it sure beats inventory. It's something I'll have to think about, I suppose. At least I feel comfortable in my own skin again, so to speak. What about you?"
"Well, if it's all the same, I think I'm just gonna stick with Shmwario for now. Y'know, in case the collections people come around again or somethin' like that."
"You've really made some questionable life choices, haven't you?" Shmaisy asked.
"Hey, you're the one who smokes!"
"...Okay, touché."
We went back to just enjoying the tranquility before something else caught Shmwario's attention.
"Hey, look at that guy. His shirt's on backwards," he said.
"No it's not," Shmaisy replied dismissively.
"Yeah! You can see the tag!"
It wasn't the first time my brother felt the need to critique someone else's appearance in public - and it sure wouldn't be the last - but for some reason, I felt compelled to look this time. The man who had entered the cafe did not, in fact, have his shirt on backwards, rather, he was dressed in the typical clothes of a minister. He was an older fellow, a human with grayed hair and facial features which I would describe as particularly distinctive, for lack of better words, and wore a pair of large eyeglasses.
"That's not the tag, bro. He's a minister," I replied.
For all this talk about marriage, seeing him here sure seemed like it was meant to be a sign.
"Feels like the universe is trying to tell us something," Jasmine said, then went back to sipping her coffee. Even all these years later, it was good to know we were still on the same wavelength.
"I know what you mean. What do you say, should we just do it? Finally get married?"
She looked like she just barely managed to avoid a spit-take in response. "Now?"
"I mean, not now as in right this second, but... really soon?"
"You know what, yeah, let's do it."
"I call best man!" Shmwario exclaimed.
"In that case, I better go get to Mr. Minister over there before he orders," I said.
I got up from the table and walked over to the man's place in line. I felt a little silly doing this here of all places. Do you think this happened often to him?
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that you seem to be a minister?"
"How do you do, fellow minister? My name's Father Mac and being a minister is indeed definitely my very real and actual job."
"Well, I'm not a minister, but... My fiancée and I are hoping to get married pretty soon," I told him, motioning over to the table. Jasmine gave the two of us a little wave. "I know this is probably a little weird, but do you think you could officiate the wedding?"
"Hmm, well, normally, I'd be, uh... going "out of town" after this conversation was over, but..." he paused, taking another look at the table, as if he recognized someone sitting there. "...well, if it's for a friend of a friend, I guess I'll make an exception."
"I really appreciate it Father, thanks." With that sorted out, I returned to the table with the good news. "Alright, he's in. Now we just have to... plan a wedding ridiculously fast."
"You know, that guy looks really familiar, but I just can't place him..." Shmaisy said.
"Well, he did mention something about me being a friend of a friend? Maybe you did meet before somewhere. I highly doubt he was talking about Shmwario," I told her.
"Yeeeah," she said, still clearly unsure. "Man, that's going to bug me all day."
It turns out, even when you're trying to rush things as much as you can, putting together a wedding still takes time. My brother suggested just throwing some coins at the courthouse and being done with it, but I don't know, that just seemed anticlimactic to the both of us. After everything Jasmine and I went through, we wanted to do things right, you know? I could wait. Just being with her was enough after I spent so many years thinking I'd never see her face or hear her voice again.
But the day of the ceremony finally came. I was getting ready with Shmwario - er, I suppose it would be more appropriate to call him Russo in this context, a rare appearance in his true form - and my groomsmen, Detective Fulbright and Mr. Goose. I wonder how many waterfowl have been part of a wedding party? I would've liked to have the Sticky Warrior here too, but that guy's a nightmare to track down, especially on short notice. I'm not sure if he was the type for these formal situations anyway... I had enough to worry about making sure my brother was behaving himself.
I had to admit, as much as I was looking forward to it, I was still a little bit nervous getting married today. But who wouldn't be? At least I was handling things a lot better than a certain man in green I knew.
Oh, and there was still the whole manner of the Duplighost thing to sort out. I had already told them when I invited them to come, but some things naturally take a little while to iron out.
"Still, who would have thought you were a Duplighost this whole time?" Detective Fulbright said. "I always had my suspicions you were hiding something behind those glasses, but to think you were such a master of disguise... why, I'm still positively beside myself!"
"Honk! Hoonk honk honkella! (Verily indeed! A most unexpected turn of events has transpired, I must say!)"
"Listen... I'm sorry I couldn't tell you guys about it. It's not that I didn't trust you, but if word ever got out somehow... I don't know what would've happened. If Brando could so easily deal with a Shadow, I don't even want to know what he would've had in mind for me. At least this way, any of his schemes against me were wastes of time that wouldn't stick."
"Honk honk! Honko honk honoka henk. (Fret not, Sir Connor! The operations we must take to circumvent the efforts of these dastardly ruffians are tantamount in such a line of work as ours.)"
"I couldn't agree more, old friend. Listen, Connor, a man can do everything he can hide his appearance, but his intentions will always come to light. All the way back when we first met, facing off against that mafia, you may have been layering yourself under a myriad of disguises... but your heart of true justice still shone through! As long as I knew that, I was more than happy not to pry into your secrets."
"Thanks guys, that really means a lot." I suppose they were right, weren't they?
"If you're all done yappin', is it about time for the ceremony yet?" interrupted Russo. "I wanna demolish some wedding cake already!"
"Actually, we still have five more minutes," I replied. "Way to kill the moment, though."
"Why does it seem like everything's always five minutes away?" he complained in response.
Before I knew it, I was standing in front of all of our wedding guests, waiting for my bride-to-be to come through the doors and walk down the aisle. As I looked out on the faces of everyone who came, and saw so many people who helped me over the years and I came to see as friends, I really thought about everything that had happened these past years. It didn't go the way I planned, or the way I wanted, really, but somehow, I suppose it all worked out in the end.
Then the doors opened and my attention shifted entirely to Jasmine. She looked as beautiful as ever - I couldn't tell if she was actually sparkling in that wedding dress or if I was still so head over heels that I was entirely making it up in my head, but I tell you what, a herd of Bulrushes couldn't distract me now. I barely even noticed when Father Mac started speaking.
"Fellow ministers, we are gathered today to celebrate the joining of this couple in marriage. That the two of them would live out the rest of their days with each other, in health and in sickness, in wealth and in poverty, in investigations and in espionage, in girlbossing and in identity theft..." I was pretty sure that wasn't part of the standard wedding ceremony. I gave Father Mac a side-eye as his list grew increasingly strange, before he got back on topic. "...and all the other things that married people do together. If anyone thinks the two of these should not be married, you can speak now or forever hold your peace."
I wondered why they still ask that at weddings - more importantly, what kind of a crumb do you have to be to actually speak up when they ask that? But to my surprise, I heard something as Father Mac paused, only to turn and see it was just Chief Palmer getting a little emotional. "S-sorry, carry on," he said as Deputy Shell handed him a tissue.
"Alright, now let me see here..." Father Mac paused as he checked the mysterious-looking book he was holding. I would've thought he'd know this stuff by heart by now. "Do you Jasmine, take Connor to be your lawfully wedded husband 'til your games be over?"
"I do," she said, smiling from ear-to-ear, if the expression is appropriate in reference to someone with no visible ears.
"Do you, Connor, take Jasmine to be your lawfully wedded wife 'til your games be over?"
"You better believe I do," I answered.
"And with that, according to this book here, I guess you're now married, so go ahead and kiss."
Didn't even have to think about it for a second.
After the ceremony, we all headed off to the wedding reception. It gave me and Jasmine a nice opportunity to mingle with the guests now that the formalities were over.
"Mi amigo! Felicidades on the wedding, glad this all worked out!" Muercello exclaimed. Spectra barked happily in agreement - looks like Muercello was able to spiff her up with a little bowtie.
"Aww, that's adorable," Jasmine said, admiring the Polterpup.
"Thanks, I don't think I could've done this without you guys," I replied.
"Anytime, mi amigo, anytime!"
"Oh look, here's Mr. Magolor. You'll like him," I told Jasmine.
Mr. Magolor arched an eyebrow on seeing us, but was all smiles. I suspected he was still somewhat taken aback by the whole Duplighost thing, but was too polite to say anything about it. "Congratulations, you two! I'm so very happy for you and hope you have a blessed marriage."
"Thank you very much Mr. Magolor, I'm glad you could make it."
"Aww, thank you! Your friends are so sweet, Connor," Jasmine said.
"Heya, Shmaluigi!" called an annoyingly Italian voice.
Well, there's always exceptions to the rule. Luigi was here.
His wonderful wife Yuri corrected him, "Connor." I always liked her.
"Connor!" he echoed. "Er, sorry. Still getting used to that." He rubbed the back of his neck, a smile forming on his face. "Pretty low-brow place you got here, eh?"
Yuri quickly jabbed her elbow into her husband's stomach, causing him to wince. Some things never changed.
"I think it's quite wonderful," she said. "I'm so happy for you two!"
Luigi quickly got on the defensive. "Hey hey, that's what I was getting at! It's quaint, I like it. Congratulations, Connor! After everything, you of all people deserve a happy ending like this."
I smiled, partially because I was admittedly amused by their antics. It would be pretty hard to put me in a bad mood today of all days, though. "Thanks, you two. Nice to see you again."
As we continued conversing with the guests, we came around to the big boss himself, Chief Palmer.
"Hey chief, got a little emotional at the ceremony, eh?" I said. Was teasing someone who still signed off on my paychecks the best idea? Not sure.
"Weddings do always get to me," he admitted.
"And romance novels," Deputy Shell added.
"...One time," he said, giving her the side-eye, "I got one as a gag gift. It would've been rude not to read it. Anyway, congratulations to the both of you, I'm sure you'll be very happy together."
"Yeah, congrats!" Deputy Shell said.
"Thank you, I'm very happy you both could come."
"Oh, by the way Sh- er, Connor, I know you probably don't want to think about this right now, but we do need to iron out this whole... situation. After you two get settled in, come to my office sometime, alright?"
"Yeah, I figured as much. I'll be sure to let you know," I replied. My status in the NWPD was also something I'd have to consider, assuming I was given the option.
Eventually, the hour grew late, and it was time for me and Jasmine to leave.
"Alright everybody, clear some space! My little bro's goin' to his honeymoon!" Russo announced.
"You really embarrass me sometimes," I told him.
"Yeah, but if your big bro's not gonna do it, who is? Bwahaha!"
I gave him a smirk, then turned to Jasmine. "You ready to spend the rest of our lives together?"
"I was born ready."
The End
Well, we made it! Half a year spent on this arc, but we're finally at the conclusion. I'd like to thank all of you who read through it, and I'd like to give an extra special thanks to my guest writers: Reverse Input as "Father Mac"/Agent 30 and Detective Fulbright, Magolor04726 as himself, and Cosmic Cowboy as Detective Luigi and Yuri! I'd also like to give special thanks to Hooded Pitohui and Magolor again for their help and support in writing this part and throughout the entire arc, as well as to Luigi 64DD for creating the character of the Erudite Goose.
This may seem like a finale, but rest assured, we haven't seen the last of these guys. I still have a lot of ideas under my hat! However, I would like to formalize something I was doing to an extent last year, which is taking breaks between story arcs. I think this will be healthier for me going forward, so that's generally what I'm going to be doing. I'll see you all here again soon!
Passion of the WAH!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
The Mushroom World’s resident purple-clad troublemaker, Waluigi was currently traversing Hatesong Tower within the Waffle Kingdom because of rumors that a jeweled Usagi Egg being stored away on the highest floor of the tower would grant all the wishes of whoever managed to find it.
“Wah…Just one more flight of stairs, and then Waluigi should find himself at the top of Hatesong Tower, where the jeweled Usagi Egg is said to be waiting for Waluigi to take it and use it to make all of his wishes come true…Here’s hoping that the rumors were proven to be true, or else Waluigi will unleash an anger akin to that of a thousand Angry Suns…” Waluigi muttered to himself as he managed to reach the top floor of Hatesong Tower.
As soon as he reached the top floor, Waluigi dropped down on the ground to catch his breath, because Hatesong Tower was riddled with all sorts of traps and other dreadful perils left over from the time Luigi traveled to the place to battle the Chestnut King and then Minister Crepe to rescue Princess Eclair. Once he had caught his breath, Waluigi lifted his head upward and gasped in delight as he saw the Usagi Egg resting on a pedestal, with a ray of light shining through a nearby window and illuminating the jeweled egg.
“Bless Waluigi’s lucky stars…Waluigi has found it! The jeweled Usagi Egg that is said to grant all the wishes of whoever manages to find it!” Waluigi said happily as he proceeded to get back up onto his feet and took off his inverted L-embroidered purple cap, gently pressing it against his chest as he did so, with joyful tears forming in his eyes.
“It’s so…beautiful…” Waluigi said in a tearful tone of voice before wiping the tears from his eyes and placing his cap back on his head, then walked over to the Usagi Egg with a soft smile on his face before he proceeded to grab it off the pedestal, only for the tower to start rumbling as soon as he did so.
“WAAAAH! What’s going on?!” Waluigi asked in a frightened tone of voice before the spirit of Minister Crepe proceeded to materialize in front of him. True to his name, the Minister was a human entirely composed of the desert dish, dressed in a white bishop-like robe with a white bishop-like head on his head and a pair of menacing red eyes concealed behind a pair of round dark blue spectacles. Due to being in spirit form, he had a ghostly green glow surrounding his body.
“Mwahahahaha! You fell right into my trap!” Minister Crepe cackled maliciously as Waluigi stared at him in confusion. “I had put this jeweled egg right here at the top of the tower where I met my demise at the hands of that green-clad beanpole and spread rumors that it possessed unimaginable powers that could grant anyone’s wishes in the hopes someone would be foolish enough to try and get their crummy hands on it!” He then proceeded to explain to the purple-clad troublemaker, whose face of confusion shifted into something more akin to anger.
“You mean to tell Waluigi that he traveled all this distance for bupkis?!” Waluigi asked the spirit of the villainous Minister in a livid tone of voice, after which Crepe laughed maliciously once more.
“Correct, my boy! The reason? So that I may kill you and take over your body so that I may try to take over the Waffle Kingdom once more!” Minister Crepe informed Waluigi before proceeding to raise his hands as they began glowing red, after which he proceeded to fire a beam at Waluigi that proceeded to take the purple troublemaker’s life, after which his body dropped to the ground lifelessly.
Minister Crepe’s spirit then cackled. “At last, for the first time in over two decades, I will finally have a solid and physical body again after being forced to haunt this blasted tower as nothing but a transparent and intangible spirit following my humiliating defeat at the hands of that gangrene adventurer and his hapless band of heroes! The Waffle Kingdom will be mine for the taking once more!” He declared before his spirit entered Waluigi’s lifeless body, which soon began to show signs of life again, with Waluigi’s eyes taking on the pupiless and menacing red glow of Minister Crepe’s eyes.
Meanwhile, with the actual Waluigi, he had found his soul passed on to the aftergame, specifically, to the Underwhere, where he was currently out cold on the eerie stone ground. Gaining consciousness soon enough, the purple-clad miscreant groaned as he rubbed his head somewhat, slowly rising back to his feet.
“Mamma mia, what in the name of Waluigi’s six-cylinder riding lawn mower just happened there…?” Waluigi muttered to himself before he came back to his senses and looked around the area he found himself in. “Where in the world is Waluigi? Is this place akin to Amethyst Caverns?” (Author’s Note: He’s referring to World 2 from Puzzle & Dragons: Super Mario Bros. Edition.) He inquired no one in particular.
“Hey, look at that! A new guy in the house!” A nasal yet raspy voice exclaimed.
“Yeah, wonder how he managed to meet his endgame?” A second, coarser voice chimed in as Waluigi proceeded to look in the direction the voices came from before two Shaydes floated over to him.
“Who the heck are you guys?” Waluigi asked the two Shaydes with a curiously raised eyebrow.
“Us? Why, I’m Dick and this is Dom! Welcome to the Underwhere, pal!” The nasal-raspy voiced Shayde informed Waluigi while introducing himself as Dick and the other coarse-voiced Shayde as Dom.
“Yeah, what’s your name, and how’d ya end up here in the Underwhere?” Dom chimed in, curious about Waluigi’s story of getting to the aftergame.
“Me? The name is Waluigi, and what the heck is the Underwhere?” Waluigi asked the pair of Shaydes in front of him, not really getting any the wiser from this.
“The Underwhere is where the morally gray souls from across all dimensions go after their games are over. Seeing as ya were probably a morally gray type of guy in life, that’s how ya ended up here.” Dick explained to the tall purple man, after which Waluigi’s face turned to a toothy frown. “Mm, so Waluigi’s game is over…Just fine and dandy…As for how Waluigi’s game managed to end, Waluigi was at a tower in the Waffle Kingdom where a jeweled egg was rumored to have been stashed away, but it turned out to be a trap as a ghostly weirdo proceeded to take Waluigi’s life and take over his body. And that’s how Waluigi ended up here.” Waluigi explained to the two Shaydes in front of him.
“Yeesh, ain’t that a dang shame to meet your endgame like that.” Dom remarked with a sad face of his own, feeling some sympathy for Waluigi, with Dick nodding his agreement as he also carried a sad expression on his face.
“Tell me about it. I dunno if it could solve anything, but maybe ya could go and talk to Queen Jaydes about things? I heard that some souls who end up here are lucky enough to be given a task by the Queen to prove themselves worthy of being resurrected and sent back to the world of the living.” Dick suggested to Waluigi, with Dom humming his agreement at the idea.
Having a small chance of being granted the opportunity to earn back his life sounded unlikely to Waluigi, but given that a ghostly villain had taken over his body and was likely using it to spread despair within the world of the living, the purple man had to take this chance so that he could hopefully come back to life and make Minister Crepe pay for what he did to him.
“As much as chances are slim for that to happen, Waluigi has no choice but to take that chance. Where does Queen Jaydes reside?” Waluigi asked Dick and Dom with a curious tilt of his head, giving the Shaydes a long look.
“She resides at her palace near the entrance to Underwhere Road, if you keep on going forward from here, you’ll reach the palace in no time.” Dick informed Waluigi kindly.
“Many thanks, gentlemen. Waluigi won’t forget your help on this matter.” Waluigi thanked the two Shaydes before heading on his way towards Queen Jaydes’ palace.
“Glad we were able to help that purple fella on his way, eh, Dick?” Dom asked his buddy with a slight smile on his face.
Dick smiled back and nodded in agreement. “Tell me about it, Dom. As embarrassing as it was for me to die from falling in a lava pit at that Castle in World 1, that beanpole didn’t deserve to get his life taken from him and then having it used as a puppet by some freaky phantom.”
“I agree. I suffered just as much of an embarrassing death as you did, from accidentally walking into a Goomba in World 1-1, but a fate as bad as that tall dude is one I wouldn’t have wished upon my worst enemies.” Dom nodded back towards Dick.
Meanwhile, Waluigi had traversed the majority of the Underwhere so far and had arrived at the River Twygz. He then saw Charold, the ferryman sitting on top of his boat that was docked at the bank of the river right in front of him.
“Greetings and WAH-lutations, amico. Do you think you could help Waluigi out here?” Waluigi kindly asked Charold, who proceeded to turn towards the tall man upon hearing his voice.
“Ssssertainly, sssstranger. I assssume you need a ride acrossss the River Twygz?” Charold guessed as he curiously tilted his head towards Waluigi.
“Yes, because Waluigi wasn’t planning on swimming across.” Waluigi nodded affirmatively as he glanced at the rather ghastly looking waters that made up the river.
“Undersssstood. For a mere fee of four coinssss, I’ll gladly take you acrossss.” Charold informed Waluigi, after which the purple troublemaker proceeded to reach into his pockets hoping he had spare change on him, then managed to take out four coins that he then handed to Charold.
“Payment accepted. Sssstep into my boat, and I’ll take you to the other sssside…” Charold told Waluigi, after which Waluigi proceeded to step into the boat and got himself seated, before Charold proceeded to row him to the other bank of the River Twygz.
“Here we are…Good luck out there, sssstranger…” Charold bid Waluigi farewell as the latter proceeded to get out of the boat and nodded towards the ferryman.
“Thank you. Waluigi won’t forget your kindness.” Waluigi gratefully told Charold before continuing on his way through the Underwhere. Arriving at Queen Jaydes’ palace shortly after, he met with a couple of her D-Men.
Taking notice of Waluigi’s arrival, one of the D-Men approached him. “Hey there. I assume you came here to see Queen Jaydes and weigh your sins?” He asked Waluigi with an inquisitively raised eyebrow.
“Yes, Waluigi did come here for such business. Is Queen Jaydes available for that?” Waluigi asked the Queen’s loyal subject as he inquisitively placed his right hand to his chin.
“She is. Right this way, sir.” The D-Man informed Waluigi as he pointed him in the direction of Queen Jaydes’ throne room.
“Alright, thank you.” Waluigi nodded as he continued on towards the throne room where he found Queen Jaydes waiting.
“Welcome to my palace, recently deceased soul. I take it that you’ve come here to weigh your sins?” Queen Jaydes asked Waluigi as she watched the miscreant man enter her throne room.
“Correct, Your Highness. Waluigi feels that he hadn’t deserved to pass just yet.” Waluigi informed Queen Jaydes as he kneeled before her in respect. As vulgar as he may be, Waluigi still showed a great deal of respect for royalty.
“So I see…Let me be the judge of that by weighing your sins.” Queen Jaydes responded as she began to do so, humming in uncertainty before eventually coming to a decision. “Hm. I’d definitely say that your virtues outweigh your sins, and as such, you’re worthy of being granted a continue. Sadly, because your body appears to be possessed by another being in the world of the living as we speak, I cannot send you back to said body.”
“Is there any other way for Waluigi to be sent back to the living world despite being unable to be returned to his own body?” Waluigi asked Queen Jaydes with a hopeful look resting on his face.
“There is. You may be granted a new body to replace your old one, but to prove yourself worthy of being entitled to a replacement body, you must go on a quest throughout the aftergame.” Queen Jaydes informed him.
“What kind of quest?” Waluigi asked with a curiously raised eyebrow, wondering where the Queen was going with all of this.
“Across the Underwhere, as well as my husband, King Grambi’s realm; The Overthere, are seven jeweled eggs. If you collect these eggs and bring them to me and my husband at the Overthere Shrine, we will grant you a new body so that you can be sent back to the living and face the one who possessed your old body.” Queen Jaydes explained to Waluigi with a stern look decorating her face.
Waluigi nodded in understanding. “Waluigi accepts this quest. Waluigi has met his endgame because of a jeweled egg, and he will start his next game with seven of them.” He responded to the Queen.
“I’m glad to hear that. Head through this set of doors behind me, and you may leave for Underwhere Road, where the first set of jeweled eggs is hidden away. Good luck on your quest.” Queen Jaydes informed Waluigi as she turned her attention towards the set of doors located behind her throne, gesturing toward it.
“Alright, thank you, Your Highness.” Waluigi nodded as he bowed before Queen Jaydes once more in respect before making his way towards the entrance to Underwhere Road and heading on through it just like the Queen instructed him to do.
Waluigi then found himself on Underwhere Road, with a D-Man beside the entrance. Hearing the doors open and close behind him, the D-Man proceeded to turn his attention towards Waluigi.
“Ah, warm welcome! Well, as warm of a welcome as you can get down here. This here is what you’d call the hotspot of Queen Jaydes’ kingdom; The Underwhere Road.” The D-Man greeted Waluigi in a kind tone of voice.
“Yeah, Waluigi isn’t gonna be holding his breath on that part.” Waluigi sighed and shook his head at the D-Man’s sarcasm before moving on. “Anyway, Waluigi can tell that this place is pretty dark, so is there perhaps some form of light source Waluigi could use to guide his way through the darkness?” He then inquired the D-Man with a curious tilt of his head, placing his right hand against his chin as he did so.
The D-Man let out an inquisitive hum, closing his eyes and putting a paw to his chin much like Waluigi did. “Yeah, there is a light source I could lend you to make your way through here and up to the Overthere. Here, take it.” He told Waluigi as he handed him a lantern. “This lantern should do the trick. Don’t worry about returning it, I’ll magically collect it as soon as you reach the Overthere.”
“Thanks. Well, Waluigi will be off now, so take care, yeah?” Waluigi bid the D-Man farewell before he proceeded to venture out onto the Underwhere Road with the lantern firmly grasped in his right hand.
Walking through the caverns shrouded in darkness that made up the Underwhere Road, Waluigi kept a stern and alert glare, his eyes continuously darting around for any sign of monsters wanting to attack him or the jeweled eggs he was tasked to find.
“You know, Waluigi always loved not being able to see where he’s going. Thanks for sticking Waluigi in these tunnel vision-based games.” Waluigi sarcastically quipped towards no one in particular before he proceeded to dodge a couple of Underhands that crawled the walls of the room he found himself in, as well as a handful of Dark Boos that proved to not be much of a challenge so long as Waluigi stared him in the face, which caused the Dark Boos to hide their faces behind their ghostly paws just like any hostile Boo would.
After traversing this set of obstacles and climbing to the top of the room he found himself in, Waluigi found himself at a set of doors. Inspecting the doors, Waluigi squinted his eyes in suspicion while letting out an equally suspicious hum.
“Hm…Waluigi doesn’t know why, but this door seems rather off-putting…As if it’s not an ordinary door…” The purple-clad male said to himself, after which to much of his surprise, the door started speaking.
“Halt! What’s this, then? A traveler has come?!” The door asked before a face began to form on it, causing Waluigi to step back to give both himself and this sentient door some breathing space.
“Now! Queen Jaydes demands that I guard this passage, sir! My name is Dorguy the First! And seeing as there’s a lot of monsters lurking around every corner of this place, I gotta do routine checks, so I apologize in advance, but I gotta make sure you’re trustworthy! Just answer a couple of questions and you’re free to pass!” The sentient door explained to Waluigi, revealing his name to be Dorguy the First.
“Yeah, Waluigi understands that Queen Jaydes won’t just let everyone wander through the Underwhere all willy-nilly, so Waluigi can spare some time to answer whatever questions you have as part of your “routine checks.”” Waluigi nodded in understanding while putting up his fingers in air quotes to put emphasis on the Dorguy’s routine checks.
“Very well! First question: Which sage of the Tribe of Ancients is said by many to be the author of the Light Prognosticus?” Dorguy the First then asked Waluigi.
Waluigi grimaced upon hearing this and began thinking deeply. “Come on, Waluigi…Mario and Luigi have always been bragging to you about their adventures and mentioning something about a Light Prognosticus in the process…Surely you should know they mentioned the author’s name in there somewhere…”
After thorough inner deliberation, Waluigi finally answered Dorguy the First. “That would be…Merloo?” He responded reluctantly, hoping that he got the answer right, or else he wouldn’t be getting any further into the Underwhere Road after this.
“Correct. You’d better prepare to work those thinking veins in your brain, because the questions are only gonna get harder from here on out.” Dorguy the First affirmed Waluigi’s answer, causing the purple-clad man to sigh in relief.
“Waluigi sure hopes that he has enough knowledge to tackle those hard questions…” Waluigi muttered quietly whilst shaking his head in disdain.
“Now, for the second question: In spite of the Tribe of Darkness’ tendencies leaning towards secrecy and making contact with the outside world, where were they rumored to have lived during most of their existence?” Dorguy the First then inquired Waluigi, after which the lanky anti-hero began to think about this, audibly humming to himself as he did so.
“Hm…If memory serves Waluigi, Luigi happened to have written a book about his adventures in the Dimension of Hearts (Author’s Note: This is my headcanonized name for the dimension in which Super Paper Mario takes place)...Wario happens to have a copy of said book back home at his castle…And according to what little that green-clad rival of mine knew of the Tribe of Darkness, they should have lived in…” Waluigi thought to himself before he realized the answer and spoke it out loud to Dorguy the First.
“Unless Waluigi is mistaken, they were rumored to have lived in a castle hidden away deep inside a forest.” Waluigi told Dorguy the First, this time sounding more certain of his answer.
“Correct. You’re a lot wiser than you look and sound, sir. Hopefully that wit and skill will come in handy for this final question I’m about to give you.” Dorguy the First again affirmed Waluigi’s answer, causing Waluigi to nod in response.
“Waluigi hopes the same, Dorguy the First. Waluigi hopes the same.” Waluigi responded to the sentient door.
“So you say. Here’s the final question: What’s the name of the monstrous being created by the Tribe of Ancients that used to dwell at the bottom of the Flopside Pit of 100 Trials?” Dorguy the First then quizzed Waluigi, after which Waluigi stroked his chin with his left hand as he began to ponder the answer to this question.
“Hm…From what Waluigi can remember during his last reading of Luigi’s book about the Dimension of Hearts, the creature that Mr. Eyeballs and his friends fought in the Flopside Pit of 100 Trials was a rather shady individual that created equally shady clones of the four of them to battle them…Yeah, this seems like a real no-brainer to Waluigi…” Waluigi thought to himself before answering Dorguy the First again.
“Waluigi believes that monster was named Shadoo.” Waluigi told the Dorguy, now sounding the most confident of all in his answer.
“Correct yet again, sir. Congratulations, you have proven that you’re trustworthy enough to pass on through and venture deeper into the Underwhere Road. Oh, and as an additional reward for proving your trustworthiness, Queen Jaydes has asked me to bestow this jewel encrusted egg on you.” Dorguy the First informed Waluigi as a jeweled egg colored and textured like a diamond materialized in front of the menace in purple in thin air before landing in Waluigi’s hands.
“Aah, the first of the jeweled eggs Waluigi was told to collect! Thank you very much, Mr. Dorguy the First!” Waluigi grinned with delight before thanking the sentient door.
“Don’t mention it. Have a nice day.” Dorguy the First acknowledged Waluigi’s gratitude before his face proceeded to fade away and opened to allow Waluigi’s access to the next area of the Underwhere Road. Waluigi quickly tucked the Diamond Egg away in his pockets before heading on through the doors.
Once again brandishing his lantern as he walked through the Underwhere Road, Waluigi soon encountered a large door with a lock the same size on it, as well as a smaller door that had three D-Men guarding it.
“Hello there, gentlemen. May Waluigi ask what the three of you are doing out here?” Waluigi greeted the three D-Men before questioning their presence in the area, placing his free hand to his hip as he did so.
“Greetings, traveler. We’re here on orders of Queen Jaydes to keep a monster locked inside this here chamber because it’d otherwise escape and wreak havoc upon the Underwhere.” The first D-Man explained to Waluigi.
“Exactly. As such, we can’t let anyone on by out of risking the monster going through that large door over there and therefore getting closer to escaping the Underwhere and into the Overthere.” The second D-Man added onto the first one’s explanation.
“However, we are willing to cut you a deal; Should you be able to fell the monster locked up inside this chamber, we will grant you access through that large door. Do you accept the challenge?” The third D-Man asked Waluigi with a curious tilt of his head.
“Yes, Waluigi accepts the challenge, because Waluigi really needs to pass on through that door over there.” Waluigi nodded in acceptance of the D-Men’s challenge.
“Very well then. Best of luck to you in there, because the monster is rather strong.” The first D-Man warned Waluigi before he proceeded to let Waluigi inside the chamber and close the door behind him. Upon entering the room, Waluigi could see a cherub-like doll facing away from him, its head turned towards the wall in front of it. The purple-clad man grimaced as he saw the doll, recognizing it based on Wario’s recollection of fighting it when he went on an adventure to reclaim his treasure stash from the Black Jewel.
“Oh, shoot. It’s that Brawl Doll thing that Wario told Waluigi about in the past. Waluigi can make a pretty good thing as to why it’s locked down here in the Underwhere.” Waluigi said in an unsettled tone of voice, which got the Brawl Doll’s attention as it proceeded to turn its head around to face Waluigi, letting out an eerie cackle as it did so.
The Brawl Doll then proceeded to start floating towards Waluigi, swiping its angel wings at the purple troublemaker, but he proceeded to dodge this attack rather easily before proceeding to throw his purple, inverted L-embroidered hat at the Brawl Doll as a counterattack. The doll let out a few high pitched, pained yelps before Waluigi’s hat returned to him like a boomerang and he placed it back on his head.
“Wah, how do you like that, you stupid possessed toy?!” Waluigi taunted the Brawl Doll with a cocky grin, to which the doll responded by letting out a couple of high pitched grumbles of annoyance before it proceeded to float to the center of the room, firing lasers at Waluigi.
“Hmpf, not impressed, are you? Well, Waluigi’s gonna prove you more than wrong!” Waluigi declared before he proceeded to pick up a Pebble that happened to lay on the rocky ground of the room and used it to knock the Brawl Doll out of the sky, with the doll being stunned from the attack and seeing stars as a result.
Waluigi decided to use the opportunity to damage the Brawl Doll using a high speed breakdance move, getting on his head and spinning around, striking the Brawl Doll with a pair of kicks from both of his feet before leaping back onto his feet and bowing like a gentleman.
Exclaiming in another series of high pitched, pained grunts, the Brawl Doll snapped out of its daze, uttering another couple of annoyed high pitched noises before flying towards Waluigi once more and swiping its angel wings at him, but Waluigi once again dodged the attack with relative ease before executing a jumpstyle dance move attack on the Brawl Doll, causing it to howl in pain.
“See? Waluigi told you he was gonna give you a run for your money! Prepare for the end, my friend!” Waluigi grinned confidently as the Brawl Doll once again flew to the center of the room before firing lasers at the menace in purple in response. Grabbing another stray Pebble off the ground, Waluigi hurled it up at the Brawl Doll, successfully hitting it out of the sky and sending it into another stunning frenzy.
“Had enough yet? ‘Cause Waluigi’s got more where that came from!” Waluigi taunted the Brawl Doll once more as he picked the doll up before performing a Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal-inspired dance routine that culminated with Waluigi hurling the Brawl Doll around the room in the same way that O’Chunks would hurl the player around during his boss fights in Super Paper Mario.
The Brawl Doll let out an agonized, high pitch groan before proceeding to explode into a burst of blue light, leaving behind its wings and halo, which proceeded to flutter away aimlessly into the depths of the room, not posing much of a threat otherwise, and even if it did, someone could easily dispatch of it.
“Wah, that was no fuss for Waluigi whatsoever!” Waluigi grinned and flashed a thumbs up before he left the room again, with the D-Men shutting the door behind him with impressed expressions on their faces.
“Whoa, mama! You managed to take out that accursed monster?!” One of the D-Men asked Waluigi in disbelief.
“Yes. Waluigi managed to put that toy away in nothing flat.” Waluigi smiled and nodded.
“Amazing! You really earned your stripes to gain access to the next area of Underwhere Road! Here, have the key to that door, as well as a little present courtesy of Queen Jaydes!” The second D-Man told Waluigi as he handed him the key, as well as a jeweled egg colored and textured like an emerald.
“Thanks for the key and the jeweled egg. Now Waluigi can scratch that egg off his list as well.” Waluigi replied with a grateful grin as he proceeded to walk over to the door and used the key to unlock it.
“No sweat, sir. We were just happy to have you help us out with this little extermination duty.” The third D-Man replied back to Waluigi before him and his colleagues proceeded to wave Waluigi goodbye, with the purple miscreant returning the wave before he headed on through the door to the next area of the Underwhere Road.
Finding himself in another darkened room, Waluigi brandished his lantern once more as he traversed his way across the various platforms that made up the shape of the staircase inside the room. On the way to the top, Waluigi encountered a handful of Dry Bones that wandered along some of the platforms, but the towering thin man dispatched of them rather easily by high kicking their heads off their skeletal shoulders.
“You know, now that Waluigi thinks of it, the video game underworld really has some cheap enemies to stand in the way of those that try to escape. Waluigi has encountered a couple of ghosts before, and now a couple of skeletons too? It’s like some kind of kindergarten Halloween thingamajig. They should’ve just called this portion of whatever game it originally belonged to “Boo! Haunted House!” or something like that.” Waluigi rambled to himself as he continued to climb to the top of the staircase.
As soon as he reached the top of the staircase, Waluigi encountered another set of doors, with the impertinent purple male putting on a sarcastic face while folding his arms in front of his chest in an equally sarcastic manner. “Gee, Waluigi wonders if this conveniently placed set of doors could be another Dorguy?” Waluigi asked sarcastically, hoping to get the Dorguy’s attention by doing so.
“Voices? Could that be the sign that a traveler has come?” A voice replied as a face materialized onto the doors, confirming Waluigi’s suspicions that this was indeed another Dorguy.
“Salutations, hapless adventurer! I’m Dorguy the Second, and I have been tasked by Queen Jaydes to guard this door! As part of Queen Jaydes’ safety protocol, I’m obliged to run a quick security check to make sure that you can be trusted to pass into the next area of Underwhere Road! I’ve got a couple of puzzles for you to solve, and should you answer the questions relating to them correctly, you’re free to pass!” Dorguy the Second introduced himself to Waluigi and explained the matter at hand to him.
“Yeah, Waluigi understands that, so Waluigi can spare a few minutes of his time to partake in your security check. Bring up the puzzles, and Waluigi will see if he can answer the related questions right.” Waluigi acknowledged the second Dorguy’s reasoning and prepared himself for what was to come.
“Very well then, let us begin! Bring up the screen!” Dorguy the Second responded as he proceeded to bring up a projecting screen next to Waluigi, which the latter then turned his attention towards. “Alright, now it’s up to you to memorize the colors, shapes and moving patterns of these geometrics. Should be simple enough, yeah?” Dorguy the Second then instructed Waluigi.
“Waluigi’s got good memory, so this should be easy enough. Bring up the geometrics.” Waluigi nodded in understanding of the Dorguy’s instructions.
“Alright, here we go then!” Dorguy the Second responded as he showed Waluigi a series of geometrics on the projector screen, which Waluigi proceeded to visually scan across before geometrics proceeded to fade from the screen and Waluigi shifted his attention back to Dorguy the Second.
“Now, tell me, intrepid globe trotter, how many yellow objects did you just see on that screen?” Dorguy the Second quizzed Waluigi, to which Waluigi responded with an inquisitive hum as he thought it over before answering.
“Unless Waluigi is mistaken, which usually doesn’t happen with these types of puzzles, Waluigi saw a total of five yellow objects on that screen.” Waluigi responded to the Dorguy, not really fearing any retribution from him if he did get the question wrong somehow.
“Hm…Interesting answer…I’ll keep your answers being correct or not a secret until this whole thing is over, so don’t rest on your laurels just yet. Let’s move on to the second pattern!” Dorguy the Second declared as Waluigi turned back towards the projector screen, after which the second wave of geometrics proceeded to slide on by, with Waluigi paying close attention to everything that came through the screen before rearing himself back towards the Dorguy.
“So, my stalwart hero, how many circles did you just witness coming through that screen?” Dorguy the Second asked Waluigi curiously, which was met with Waluigi whistling the Jeopardy theme song as he pondered his answer before deciding on his final one. “Waluigi’s frontal lobe is telling him that he witnessed a total of four circles breezing on by him, and Waluigi’s frontal lobe is rarely wrong on that front.” Waluigi responded confidently, his facial expression radiating just as much confidence.
“Alright, alright. We’ll see by the end of this security check if your delicate human brain proves to be right. For the time being though, we have another pattern to memorize, so keep on running those thinking gears.” Dorguy the Second chimed his response before Waluigi looked toward the projecting screen once more as a third wave of geometrics moved through it, with Waluigi fixating his gaze on them attentively. Once all of the geometrics had left the screen, the purple menace altered his field of vision back towards the Dorguy.
“I hope that your memory was good enough to have gotten that pattern down, noble-minded voyager, because I’m going to ask you this: What color were all of the moving objects you just saw?” Dorguy the Second catechized Waluigi, prompting the troublemaker garbed in purple to put his left hand to his chin while he inquisitively licked his lips as he went over the possible answers before settling on the definitive one.
“Waluigi’s wonderful wit tells him that they were all green in color, not a shred of doubt within the back of Waluigi’s head.” Waluigi informed the Dorguy, removing his hand from his chin and letting it gently rest on his hip.
“Let’s hope that your self-proclaimed wonderful wit is as plentiful as your confidence, otherwise your journey could be coming to an unfortunate star-crossed conclusion, wide-eyed wanderer.” Dorguy the Second responded before moving on to the next question.
“Now, let’s see if you’ve been paying attention to everything that’s happened during this security check thus far. Off the top of your head, what number question is this?” Dorguy the Second then asked Waluigi.
“That would be the fourth question, which for some unfathomable reason, Waluigi finds very amusing and suitable for the environment he currently finds himself in.” Waluigi responded whilst giving some additional thought on the Dorguy’s question.
“I see, I see. Alright, now let us move on to the final question and then find out if you’re worthy of venturing further towards the Overthere. Bring on the final wave of geometrics!” Dorguy the Second declared as Waluigi looked at the projector screen one last time, the final wave of geometrics coming on before fading away again. Waluigi then looked at Dorguy the Second again.
“Of all the shapes that you just saw, which one did you see the most of, wise nomad?” Dorguy the Second then examined Waluigi, causing Waluigi to think it over before giving his final answer.
“Waluigi believes that would be hexagons.” Waluigi simply responded, hoping that he’d gotten all questions right so that he could venture further into the Underwhere Road and hopefully get one step closer to earning himself a new body so he could return to the world of the living and confront Minister Crepe.
“Very good, we’ve reached the end of the security check! Now let me just tally up the final results…” Dorguy the Second stated as he began to analyze Waluigi’s end score before finding that he had a perfect score. “Well, what do you know?! You got all of the questions right! With a mind as sharp as yours, you’re more than capable of heading on through to the next area! You can pass, and have a present from Queen Jaydes while you’re at it!” The doorkeeper informed Waluigi with glee before his face proceeded to fade from the door and another jeweled egg materialized into thin air before landing safely in Waluigi’s hands.
This jeweled egg appeared to be colored and textured after an onyx, and Waluigi smiled with delight as he looked at the egg. “Wah-ha! Waluigi knew he had it in him to pass this second Dorguy! Now let’s keep moving ahead!” Waluigi told himself with glee before heading through the door and going to the next area of the Underwhere Road.
And with that, we’ve reached the end of the first part of this Easter-themed special centered around Waluigi! Just like with my Valentines special, things were getting a bit too lengthy to get it done in time for the release of the next issue, so I once again made the decision to split it up into two parts and have this story reach its conclusion in Issue 218! Special thanks to Waluigi Time for helping me write the fight scene with the Brawl Doll, because I was sort of at a loss as to what monster I should have Waluigi fight in the room where the second fight with Bowser took place in Super Paper Mario, so I really appreciate Waluigi Time helping me out on that one! Anyway, that’s about all I got to say right here, so tune in next month, and we’re gonna look at Waluigi’s adventure coming to an end!
Random Video Analysis
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| Video by: | Roamelation |
| Publish date: | July 19, 2010 |
| Views: | 191,726 (as of March 21, 2025) |
| Likes: | 244 (as of March 21, 2025) |
| Type: | Comedy |
| Description | Never try this on railway tracks…. |
All right everybody, welcome to Random Video Analysis, an ongoing section where I (Sparks) find a random video and, well, analyze it! This month's video is titled "UNBELIEVABLY Brutal train accident!!!" With a title like that, you probably know what to expect from this, right?
What's it about?
The entire video is from the perspective of a security camera. The setting is in a rural area, with flora close to the tracks and homes visible in the background. The video starts with a man balancing on one of the rails before jumping off of it and landing directly in the middle of the tracks. Initially, he is far away from the screen, but gets closer and closer to the camera as the video progresses. The guy then lays down for a few seconds before standing back up, lowering his arms twice in what seems to be frustration. He tries balancing on the rail again but quickly steps off due to losing balance. The screen then fades to black and the following text appears in a serious font:
THIS IDIOT THINKS THESE TRACKS ARE ABANDONED...
This lasts for approximately three seconds before returning to the camera footage. The man is once again balancing on the same rail, goofily walking and stopping to pose. He looks around and steps off before stepping back on the rail. He continues walking on it and jumps. The guy then kneels down to the ground as if he sees something. At this point, the man is very close to the camera. Then all of a sudden...
...rock music starts playing out of the blue and someone wearing a homemade Thomas the Tank Engine costume arrives on the scene! He walks up to the guy while he's distracted. The soon-to-be victim notices this strange person too late, as Thomas punches him twice, sending him flat on the ground. The screen fades to black again to show text in the same font, but this time it's OWNED! This lasts for less than a second before showing new footage of two more punches from the angry train. There is another fade-to-black with the text PWNED! before replaying the moment where the guy gets knocked down by Thomas. As he celebrates his victory, there is one more fade out with the following text in a more comical font: CHEEKSDOWN.com. The rock music stops, and the video ends with Thomas standing over his defeated "opponent".
What's that? Not what you were expecting? Why would I ever analyse a graphic video? I would never do such a thing! April Fool's everybody!
Interesting observations
- At the top left corner of the screen is the text J76. Directly beneath it is CAM 6. Additionally, the top right corner shows the date and, right under it, the time. These are April 20, 2009 and 1:08 p.m.
- Later on in the video, the time changes to 1:09 p.m.
- During the replays of Thomas punching the guy, all of the text is removed, and the screen is zoomed in slightly.
- "CHEEKSDOWN.com", the website shown at the end of the video no longer exists. I tried searching it but I got a message reading "This site cannot be reached". What did this website have?
- Other than the music, there are no sounds in the footage.
- The Thomas the Tank Engine costume has eyebrows, eyes and a mouth drawn on it in a black marker. The face does not resemble the actual Thomas at all.
- OWNED and PWNED both mean the same thing: to utterly defeat an opponent; completely get the better of. PWNED is more often used in gaming however.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 217 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • 'Shroomfest • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
