The 'Shroom:Issue 217/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! Boy, there sure have been some interesting developments in the gaming world since the last issue, haven't there? I'm talking of course about Tomodachi Life: Living the Dream LET'S GOOOO!! I would've been happy with just a port of the 3DS game but we're getting a brand new sequel! ...What? Something about karts? Eh, probably not important.
We have even more guest sections this month! Technetium (talk) wrote a Mario & Luigi: Brothership-themed edition of Police Blotter, and I promise it's not jumping the Sharkbone! ClawgripFan9001 is continuing his celebration of Waluigi's 25th birthday with a Character Parade about some folks pretty close to the purple troublemaker. (It's the first appearance of this section since Issue 50!) Also, I did another News Flush about different kart-related things than last month. Most of our other usual sections are here as always, including a guest appearance by Boo1268 in this month's Mushroom Tribune! Unfortunately, the budget constraints are going to take another month to sort out, so you'll have to wait just a bit longer for a new Dear Waluigi Time.
If you're interested in joining the team, we're always on the lookout for new writers! Everything you need to apply is on our sign up page, or you can submit a one-off volunteer section to me with no application needed like some of these fine people here! Maybe you'd like to play around a bit with a recent release, or show off your own Mario character creations, or something entirely different! The only limit is your imagination!
Section of the Month
We've got a close one this month! TheBlueCatMenace nabs first place with The Sunshine Travel Guide again, this time being taken over by Cosmo's family members showing us the sights of Shy Guy Falls. Just one vote behind that, we've got Legend 8 and Boo1268's collaboration in The Sorcery Show as Pyro, Kroop, and Specture brave the world of Shovel Knight. And just one more vote behind that, we have a tie for third between our nature lovers with their coverage of the taxonomically mind-boggling Plungelo in Fungal Forager's Field Guide by Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk), and the humble Pile Driver Micro-Goomba in Dry Dry Data by DryBonesBandit (talk). Just goes to show that every vote counts, so keep supporting our excellent writers!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 9 | 22.50% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | The Sorcery Show | 8 | 20.00% | Legend 8 and Boo1268 |
| 3rd | Fungal Forager's Field Guide | 7 | 17.50% | Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk) |
| 3rd | Dry Dry Data | 7 | 17.50% | DryBonesBandit (talk) |
Written by: Technetium (talk)
I’m Technetium and I’m not telling you more than that because I could seriously use some help here. It was one thing stumbling into a portal to Concordia with no way home—it’s pretty nice here, actually. But now? Get me out of here, or at least get these Maniacs behind bars!
A member of the World Monster Mania Club just created a “Sharkbonado” that wreaked havoc in my temporary home of Allsand. The desert’s main source of Stickem Oil is now inaccessible, destroying the local economy. Dewey Fightem was also killed, and many others were injured. The suspect, Maniac #6, is currently on the loose. As he made a run for it the second the Sharkbones went out of control, I’m pretty sure I heard him screaming nonsense about how he was “just Glohmed” and that he “thought they’d keep people away.” As if he didn’t just join a club to socialize… I should give you some background.
With the influx of creatures brought in from the Mushroom Kingdom, the Monster Maniac Club saw a real resurgence in interest. But when these exotic monsters had to return home, the club couldn’t accept it. I’d argue the Monster Maniac Club was always a danger to society, but now? Please just make it illegal, because in the months since Concordia’s restoration, the club members are becoming more maniacal by the day.
In their quest to create the most powerful monsters, one Maniac attempted to recreate Glohm, stating that its empowering abilities exceed that of Beans. Thankfully, ketchup is a very different substance than Glohm. Another member named by the press, Maniac No. 4, recently tried to recreate Bob-ombs. He just created straight up bombs… Well, very bad bombs that would explode at any random time. Yet another claimed “we’re the real monsters” and proceeded to start bodybuilding. Good for him, I guess.
But the newest member of the club, Maniac No. 6, wanted to make a good first impression by creating invincible Sharkbones. Yes, SHARKBONES! The only ones who could beat those were Mario and Luigi, but they’re long gone now. Dewey Fightem swallowed his fear and tried his luck, but he stood no chance. And then those cursed things spun up a dust devil?! Somehow?!
Thankfully, Technikki was able to stop the Sharkbones using a prototype device: the Mon Orb, she called it. This device is able to shrink a monster to pocket size before capturing them inside. Technikki claims any monster released from a Mon Orb will follow the commands of the one who trapped it, but why should I trust that? What, will these Maniacs get their hands on these and start pitting dangerous monsters against each other?
One thing remains clear: the Monster Mania Club must be disbanded for the safety of Concordia…and all worlds. Maybe isolation isn’t so bad!
Written by: Boo1268
Prominent Dragon Discovery in the World of Paleontology
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. Spring has sprung my dear readers! and that means it's time for me to “spring” back into some ancient history with a new discovery! And trust me my friends, this new story that I've dug up for you is very interesting, so let's stop dragging on and let us begin, shall we?
Fun Fact!: After a closer examination of the bones, we discovered that the bones themselves are similar to Koopa bones and Spine Coasters.
Some time after returning from my multiversal escapades and after having a nice interview with the Mushroom Tribune, I was informed by my old friends at the Parabuzzy Paleontology Society (or PPS for short) that a new set of fossils had been discovered in the Flower Kingdom, being located in dangerous Deep Magma Bog, and they had invited me to join in the excavation and write about our findings and the possible links and connections made to established species of dragons! So with no time to spare, I packed my things and quickly set off to discover some fossils from the distant past. After a fair bit of traveling, I found myself arriving at the digsite where I encountered all my old chaps from the PPS excavating the fossils in a place known as the Dragon Boneyard, and shortly thereafter, I encountered the lead paleontologist managing the dig site. It was none other than the esteemed adventurer Kolorado! Known for his historical reputation of uncovering ancient secrets such as the discovery of the infamous Dry Dry Ruins, Crystal Palace, and the discovery of an ancient society that once lived on Lavalava Island. So suffice to say that having the chance to meet him here was truly an honor. However, I was surprised to find out that Kolorado had heard about me as well, and he was impressed with my discoveries and adventures so much so that not only did he invite me to come to help in the excavation, but also to place what you would call a bet. For you see, Kolorado was somewhat unsure exactly what genus these fossils belonged to. Considering their long outward bodies and bulbous nose, I suspect them to be either Blargg, Gobblegut, or Yoshi relatives, however Mr. Kolorado stated, quote, "Ah, but that assumes the lava has been present here for ages, and the Magma Bog's geological history is understudied. I suspect they'll turn out more similar to Dragoneels, Wracktails, and Draglets, and that this area was once submerged." And so the fossil feud was on with both of us taking teams of members to uncover the fossils in this friendly competition, and after many hours of digging, brushing, mining, and retrieving the fossils submerged in the blistering molten magma, we had uncovered the fossils, and upon further inspection, what we found shocked both of us.
Fun Fact!: Did you know that the effects a Wonder Flower has depends on its environment? For instance, cyan flowers involve something with the ground or land, while orange flowers involve something with water.
For you see, dear readers, after many cross examinations of the data we found from the fossils to those of other long dragon species, we uncovered that the fossils themselves were not related to just one single group of dragons, but in fact they are the distant ancestors to all dragons that possess an extremely long vertebrae. The ancient dragon, or dracō dīmissī as we had titled their Latin name as, had characteristics of both party of dragon species - both dracō sonitū pūnctō, which contained species such as Dragoneels, Dragon Pipes, Wracktails, Fracktails, and Draglets, and dracō nāsum rotundātō, which contained normal Dragons, Draggadons, Gobbleguts, Bone Dragons, Rexes, Blarggs, and even Yoshis and Bahamutts. This species of dragon appears to be an integral point in the Dracō evolutionary tree. However, before we got too carried away with our evolutionary theories, we had one issue that became clearly abundant, and it was the same issue that many paleontologists before us had faced. Simply put, it was the inability to see what the creatures actually physically looked like - that was, until something happened that only few would describe as wondrous.
Fun Fact!: Despite their gigantic form, these creatures are mainly herbivores, feasting on all array of veggies and plants, but especially fruit instances such as tropical fruit, bananas, melons, grapes, etc.
As we continued to examine the bones of the lost beast, suddenly Kolorado tripped and fell backwards into a Wonder Flower! But then all of a sudden, the bones of the ancient dragon began to rise and gain flesh! Then quickly before our eyes, the dragon had risen again! My mind began racing at the sight of such an event! How was this possible? Could these flowers revive other fossils? Was this effect permanent? Do all Wonder Flowers work the same way in this area or in the Flower Kingdom as a whole? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!! But before I got too distracted in my own thoughts, we all quickly realized that the dragon was flying away! So after a fair bit of chasing, me, Kolorado, and a few members of our excavation team were able to catch up to the dragon. But before we could subdue it, Kolorado, ever the curious one, decided to touch a strange looking seed that had appeared nearby. Suddenly, once that foolish Kolorado touched it, the mystical dragon immediately turned back into a pile of lifeless rocks and bones. (Now is a good time to say that while Kolorado is a great adventurer, his common sense is on the lower side.) After a fair bit of scolding from the rest of our team, I quickly devised a plan to keep the drifting dragon in one place. Since the Wonder Effect only lasts as long as the seed isn’t touched, we decided that until examinations were completed, no one would touch the seed (that included Kolorado). And so, after that was established we executed the plan. First, we lassoed the dragon, redirecting it towards the ground. Then, securing it until we were able to calm it down. Then we guided the dragon to a place where we could examine and study it more closely. And so, after everything was said and done, we not only had a dragon in our grasp, but also a plentiful amount of new info to go alongside it. So with that being said, here’s what we discovered.
Fun Fact!: Did you know even though the ancient dragon is the ancestor to all long vertebrae dracōs, it is not the ancestor to all dragons, since instances such as the dracō caudae hāmō species, the dracō Magnusi-āle species, and many more don't fit the long vertebrae dracō category.
Fun Fact!: Did you know that due to the presence of multiple dragon bones in the graveyard, it's theorized that the ancient dragons liked to live in herds!
Many years ago in the Mid-Cretaceous period, the ancient dragons had ruled the skies above the prehistoric Mushroom Kingdom, feeding off the fresh fruit that grew atop the canopies. However, the dragons appeared to be a nomadic species, constantly migrating from one place to the next, so much so that certain groups of dragons would branch off into differing areas of the land, settling down into their new environments and adapting to the lands around them. One group of dragons would begin to favor the water more than land, and as such would forgo their arms and legs, extend their snouts to catch prey easter in the water, and develop gills and increase the size of their once flying wings to traverse the water quicker. These would evolve into the Dragoneels. Another group, however, would not only become bigger, but also evolve to have pointed snouts and the ability to conduct electricity, and eventually mechanise themselves to manage their electricity and increase their intelligence, alongside simply making themselves larger. These ones would become the Cauda Family consisting of Fracktail and Wracktail. On the other side, however, some dragons made themselves smaller and thus less easy to catch, and they became the Rexes and Bahamutts, still containing their long spine structure and wings, but now in a more compact form, and eventually some members of the Rex species would evolve to become T. Yoshisaur Munchakoopas, also known as the Yoshis! Some members would gain more of a resistance to magma and become Draggadons and Blarggs, while others would venture out of this world and become Dragon Pipes, their heads becoming more flat and frilled to be able to lessen the risk of being damaged by asteroids, plus to lessen the amount of food needed to consume, they would gain two heads on each end of their body. And finally, some would become a jack of all trades, being resistant to fire while also losing their arms and legs, but still having rounded snouts. These would be the Gobbleguts, with some variations of the species being able to merge with fire. And finally, there were the simple Dragons. These creatures are the most closely related to the dracō dīmissī species. Now taking residence in lava pools and open air spaces, these creatures have seemingly lost their limbs and wings, but can still float through the air. This evolutionary trait was possibly brought about to allow easier travel through the magma waves, aerial spaces, and tight corners of rock cliffs.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg! There are so many more possible links and connections made to other dragons and dinos that I simply can't link here, but I will come back to at another date. But when all was said and done and we got all the info we needed, Kolorado and I both touched the seed and came out of the experience with not only a plethora of new discoveries, but also an incredible adventure. So, after packing up my things and saying goodbye to all my friends, I recounted the bet me and Kolorado had made earlier, and it seems as if in the end we both won after all! So it was decided that we would take a trip to the Starbeans Cafe and try out their new smoothie flavors and we would pay for each other's smoothies. But in all honesty, while the smoothies are a nice reward, to me there’s nothing compared to the fascinating discovery that was made and how this discovery will now benefit many other people in the scientific field in the future.
And so, with that, our story ends. I hope you all enjoyed this issue of The Spectral Lens, and I must say I really did enjoy doing this topic despite how hard it was to research. But never forget, dear readers, that sometimes in life, one simple action you do can lead to fantastic results later down the line, so never stop making a positive impact, it may do more than you realise. If you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. I'm always willing to drag up some info on what you chaps suggest! So don't be afraid to give me suggestions. Also, a very special shout out to Hooded Pitohui for helping with some of the research for this topic. And with that, I say: Merci, au revoir.
Written by: Wallace Ulysses
WAH-lcome back, members of the Waluigi Fan Club in both the Mushroom World and Real World alike! It’s your Club President, Wallace Ulysses coming back at you with the continuation of the unofficial celebration of the Year of Waluigi, dedicated to our beloved menace in purple in honor of his twenty-fifth anniversary since his debut in Mario Tennis 64 all the way back in the year 2000, which sadly goes ignored by Nintendo because they decided to put all their money on the horses that are the fortieth anniversary of Super Mario Bros. on the Nintendo Entertainment System, as well as the Nintendo Switch 2, which was met with a lot of justified backlash from Nintendo’s consumerbase on the grounds of the Switch 2 and its library of games to boot being too overpriced, but I’m getting off-track there. The point is, Wallace Ulysses has been scouring the Mushroom World from top to bottom for anything that could possibly be singing praises in Waluigi’s favor regarding the celebration of his own unofficial year, and I have managed to come in contact with none other than Waluigi’s entire family themselves! That’s right, Waluigi has had a family living here in the Mushroom World this entire time, so let’s meet them all in this very special edition of Character Parade, shall we?
Waroberta
Waluigi’s dear old mama, Waroberta, cares a great deal for her son and his younger siblings. So much so that ever since leaving the hospital following Waluigi’s birth, she’s been clipping discount coupons so that she could get anything her children needed for the lowest prices she could possibly get. In true Italian matriarchal style, she comes from a long line of strong Italian women, and all her children and husband alike fear her but also deeply love her. It is her that Waluigi owes his ability to confidently speak his mind to.
Wacesare
Waluigi’s dear old papa, Wacesare equally cares a great deal for his son and his younger siblings. Having met his future wife, Waroberta during a poker night at the Pianta Parlor in Rogueport, Wacesare began playing poker and golf games day and night to support his family once word reached his dapper ears of Waroberta being pregnant with their first child, Waluigi. Now happily married with three children, Wacesare does his best to balance his high stakes poker and golfing lifestyle with his paternal responsibilities. He’s the reason why Waluigi is so cool and suave in his adult life.
Walucrezia
Waluigi’s younger sister, Walucrezia is a charismatic and open young lady, but also bold and brash, essentially inheriting the best of both her parents’ characteristics. Having spent time with her father at the Pianta Parlor in Rogueport since the tender age of ten, she quickly developed an interest in marksmanship from playing the shooting gallery arcade games the Pianta Parlor had to offer, and by the age of fourteen, she had perfected her marksmanship to the point where she earned the nickname “Dead Eye Walucrezia” on the streets of Rogueport. She and Waluigi often like to get together and head out to the shooting range to keep their shooting skills sharp whilst also keeping each other up to date about their various escapades across the Mushroom World.
Wagioffre
Waluigi’s younger brother and the youngest member of the Waluigi Clan, Wagioffre is much more quiet and reserved compared to his older siblings’ charismatic and open personalities, and only communicates in Italian. All his life, Wagioffre has felt very misplaced within his family, given that his eldest brother is a regular competitor in Mario spin-off games and his older sister is a feared figure within the Rogueport crime scene, but what about him? What future is there for him? Even though his older siblings adore him and his parents make sure that he feels loved and wanted, Wagioffre never felt like he belonged, like he was destined to play second banana to his older siblings. As such, he lives a sheltered life at his family’s estate, reading books in the hopes of becoming literary proficient enough to one day author and publish books of his own.
And there you go! Now that we’ve met Waluigi’s family, we’ve gotten a good insight on what made Waluigi the way he is from what we always see him as in his appearances as a Mario spin-off regular! I hope that you’ve found this section just as entertaining and educational as I did, and that Character Parade has finally made a return to the pages of The ‘Shroom after such a long time! My name is Wallace Ulysses, and I hope to see all Waluigi Fan Club members return to the Fake News in May, when we’ll be taking a look at more Waluigi-related news as the Year of Waluigi slowly but surely reaches the end of its first half!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
Welcome, dear readers, to Dry Dry Data once more. I hope not all of you are previous readers so maybe I can get my paycheck. I’m your host, DryBonesBandit, and I’ve got nothing to announce, gladly. We’re here today to study the Draglet (tyranneus wyrmir), orbicular dragons from the volcanic regions of the Mushroom Kingdom. Without further ado, let’s jump in.
The Adventure
With high demand, I decided that studying the Draglet is best for not tanking my section. So, I went out to the heat-filled isle of misery known uncreatively as World 8. I’d heard from the locals of a cavern nearby where these guys would be hatching, so I entered the caves. Without a map. Sometimes I wish I had someone smarter than me with me on these trips to make up for my idiocy…
After hours of searching, it was nearing the estimated time for the hatching, and I was dreadfully lost! Luckily, I heard a growling nearby and found a group of Rexes (tyranneus wyrmir) heading toward a path I hadn’t checked yet. Sneaking behind them, I followed the caravan to a whole nest of Draglet eggs about to hatch! One of them rolled out of the nest and down the path I was on, knocking me down with it; I managed to stop it from rolling it into a wall. It hatched right there, and the Draglet immediately set my head on fire. Life is wonderful.
The Analysis
So, you may have noticed something a little… odd. The text in bold is identical for the Draglet and Rex! Did I make a mistake? Not at all! Rex and Draglet are actually the same species! Draglets are in fact young Rexes.
Draglets are blue, orbicular dragons with white underbellies and big snouts with two fangs. They have orange spines running down their backs, and two small purple batlike wings that keep them afloat. Draglets lack limbs, and begin to grow them as they age. When they get older, they grow a neck and their scale colors begin to change from blue to purple and white to orange; their wings become orange also. They gain a white spike on their snout, too. Around the age of six months, they are considered adult Rexes.
Rexes are most known for being able to withstand a jump on the head. When this happens to one, their body is compressed in a way that prevents major damage; the compression also allows for quicker movement. Rexes are incapable of flight or spitting fire. Draglets, however, are capable of breathing fireballs if threatened, and can fly (albeit slowly) to get around. Draglets are not capable of compressing like a Rex can and will be defeated if stomped. Wings on a Rex are left over from when they were Draglets. Rexes can be compared to Dino-Rhinos, in that they are able to breathe fire when young but lose that ability once they age.
Tips I’d give for dealing with Draglets? Wear fireproof clothing to avoid being charred, and move slowly and non-threateningly to avoid scaring one into torching you. As for Rexes? They aren’t hostile, just don’t interact with them. If one is actively trying to hurt you for whatever reason, they are slow when not compressed, so just run. If they are compressed, they can’t do much if you jump over them.
The End
I would like to credit Nintendo101 for the Rex/Draglet idea; I was struggling to think of what to write until they mentioned the similarities between the two enemies.
Remember to submit requests for my next issue, and see you next month!
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk), Hooded Pitohui (talk), and Boo1268
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Elvin Gadd University E-Gate Rollout Suspended
A spokesperson of the Elvin Gadd University of Science Discovery and Innovation announced this morning that the university is suspending the distribution of its new model of E-Gates due to numerous safety concerns raised by the public. E-Gates, distributed commercially by a spinoff LLC founded by university staff, were billed as a revolution in personal transport, allowing individuals to quickly cross large distances by stepping into one portal and emerging from a distant linked portal. According to previous statements from the EGU, E-Gates are the end product of joining two major strands of research, combining previously-developed experimental transportation methods like the Pixelator with recent research into opening and maintaining portals through space.
While the university's research into portals had attracted minor criticism, the E-Gate project proceeded with its pace unabated, with broad public acceptance of the university's assurances of safety. Weeks after an initial product launch which received considerable praise, the university has been inundated with reports of errors and glitches. According to reports obtained by the Mushroom Tribune, consumers have reported their E-Gates have shut down at random times, that they have lost objects or articles of clothing which failed to come through the E-Gate portals with them, that they have been sent to the wrong exit portals, that activation of their E-Gates has opened portals in unexpected locations in their homes leading to unknown destinations, and that in at least one case a hacker had redirected a user to an unknown destination.
These reports have led to widespread safety concerns, and the kingdom's Ministry of Consumer Security days ago issued a statement that it is reviewing reported issues and considering whether a device recall is warranted, an investigation which appears to have been preempted by the EGU voluntarily suspending distribution as it conducts its own safety review.
Observers of this saga cite the publication of Boo1268's account of being whisked away to another dimension as the turning point for public sentiment. The wide reach of The Fancy Phantom's account made many aware of the dangers posed by E-Gate malfunctions, putting the devices under significant public scrutiny. In the weeks following the publication of his account, what had started as a trickle of incident reports turned into a deluge. For his thoughts on the suspension of E-Gate distribution, we reached out to Boo1268, who had this to say:
Frankly, I am both relieved and insulted. I had been telling people all about the dangers of these portals for some time, but did anyone believe me? NO! But trust me when I say folks that if this project would have continued, bigger problems would have come our way as a result - mainly, oh I don't know, THE DESTRUCTION OF OUR REALITY AS A RESULT!?! But thankfully, now that the portal project is being discontinued, we can all rest our heads knowing that this problem is behind us. Also, as essentially a victim of these events, I would hate to have the same thing that happened to me happen to anyone else, and while in my case I did get to explore a vast and brand new world, it did not come without its consequences such as unfamiliar dangers and feelings of abandonment, thinking that I would be stuck there forever. Thankfully, I was lucky to have some great friends who were willing to go out and be able to rescue me, but I know that in truth not everyone can be as lucky as I was, so I can only wish that others who had suffered events similar to mine will be just as fortunate as I was. However, if I know the EGU, they will try and sweep this under the rug the best they can and make an attempt to gaslight anyone who says they're lying, especially since the EGU won't go down without a fight to try and keep this project alive just for the sake of profit and "scientific discovery". But for now, I'm glad this project is finally being shut down. It has caused nothing but harm and mayhem to all that have been affiliated with it, and I can only hope that an event like this never happens again. Also, to all of you who said I was crazy and didn't believe me, I have one thing to say to you... WHO'S CRAZY NOW, HUH!?!
Despite the widespread unease, the EGU maintains that the E-Gates are perfectly safe, and unaffiliated scientists and researchers across the kingdom have come out in defense of the project. Those coming to the defense of E-Gates claim that the spike in incident reports comes not from actual problems with the devices, but mass alarm and confusion that has resulted in over-heightened public scrutiny and misperceptions that intended mechanics like a sleep mode function are glitches like unintended shutdowns. Mad Scienstein, of Masakachotto University's Engineering Department, provided the following comment on the matter:
This unjustified backlash against EGU's E-Gates has all the makings of a Luddite uprising! If you ask me, these so-called incidents are the product of mass hysteria following the unsubstantiated reporting of that fearmongering Boo, who may I remind you was opposed to the university's portal research even before the public launch of the E-Gates. What has happened here is that a few very minor glitches like carried items being lost in transit have been swept up in a media-created frenzy of irrational fear, and people are mistaking their E-Gates entering sleep mode for unexpected shutdowns, or misconfigured coordinates on the part of the user for glitches sending them to incorrect portals. When this panic settles down, many of these reports will cease, and the EGU will be able to focus on fixing what few real and minor glitches are present in the system so that this innovative and remarkable form of transport can reach more consumers.
For their opinions on this unfolding saga, we've solicited the opinions of the Woohoo University Professor of Engineering Hooded Pitohui and Former Deputy Secretary of the Ministry of Science and Technology Shoey.
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Now, normally I consider myself a strong supporter of science and new technology. And with all new technology, there is going to be a level of risk that we must accept in the march of progress. But I'm afraid that what EGU is doing is simply reckless and should be immediately shut down. The unknowns associated with this project are far too many to safely continue any research on the subject, no matter how much EGU claims otherwise. Personal transporters may sound neat in theory, but clearly the science behind them is wildly dangerous and they are not only a threat to the individuals using them, but could very well be a threat to our universe as a whole! You're talking about a device with multiple credible reports that users have been sent to the wrong spot, or that they've shut off randomly, or that things in their homes have disappeared! There's even young Boo1268's harrowing tale of being whisked away to an unknown dimension and only narrowly managing to return! How can we allow a device to remain on the market with a so-far-completely unknown failure rate that can lead to people being stranded not just in the wrong location, but in the completely wrong dimension? And that's only the problems that we face on our side! What happens, pray tell, if someone or something in one of these dimensions manages to get a hold of one of these devices? Or what happens if one of these devices malfunctions, blasting out a portal into one of these dimensions and allowing whatever horrors that may live in there to cross over to ours? After all, may I remind you that we've been attacked by interdimensional beings before! Who could forget the assault by the Smithy Gang from the Factory dimension? Or that time Wart escaped from the his dream world prison, disguised himself as a mattress salesman, abducted our beloved king, and attempted to flood our Kingdom!? |
| Those were unfortunate events which we were lucky to ward off, but now EGU wants us to believe that we should allow devices that, with a single glitch, could leave our citizens trapped in any number of horrid dimensions with no hope of rescue. Or worse, let any number of untold horrors enter our world. No sir, we cannot allow it! We cannot allow such recklessness to stand! I understand that to many in both the academic world and the consumer world the technology is exciting. The idea of instantly transporting to wherever you need to go without need of a P-Balloon or a Magic Carpet sounds like one of the greatest technological breakthroughs of our generation. But the fact of the matter is, in its current stage, the device and the technology supporting it is entirely too dangerous, with glitches and malfunctions that are entirely too unpredictable to stay on the market. Not only should it be removed from the market with a full mandatory recall, but the entire project should be shut down. It's clear that the technology behind this, while looking sound on paper, has too many unknown elements to safely attempt to perfect it. I believe that, despite both EGU and the belief of the scientific community that such failures are exceedingly rare, the dangers are too great and the consequences too severe to allow this project to continue in any form. | |
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Let me begin by offering my condolences to Boo1268 for his harrowing experience. As I recall, he had expressed his concerns with this project well before this incident, and it's clear now that those concerns were justified. An incident of this magnitude cannot be allowed to happen again, and the EGU must address this critical safety concern before distribution resumes. I applaud the university for this voluntary pause, and I hope they will use it not only to address this issue, but to determine the veracity of other reported issues and to redevelop its entire approach to public communications surrounding this project. Fear is gripping the public, and those fears must be allayed by clearer, more transparent communications. Mere assurances of expertise will not suffice. At this point, the EGU needs to release full analyses of every reported issue and explain how they are adjusting the designs of their devices to prevent any unexpected or dangerous behaviors. |
| Now, as I call upon the EGU to do more, unlike Shoey or even, yes, Boo1268 himself, I will not call for the shutting down of this revolutionary project, nor even will I go to such an extreme as to call for a mandatory recall. If the EGU finds grounds for a recall, I trust the EGU to issue one without the need for an outside agency to force it upon them. Let us allow the experts to prioritize their investigation without the interruption of managing an unnecessary and unfounded recall. While Boo1268's story is highly concerning, we must remember that thousands of consumer-grade E-Gate devices are already on the market and this is the only report of such a dramatic failure. This minuscule risk needs to be framed against the revolution in transportation these devices promise. Our scientists shall be able to go nearly anywhere in the world to conduct field work for minimal cost. Ministers in far-flung kingdoms will be able to step through a portal as easily as they are a doorway to meet in person with their counterparts and defuse misunderstandings. The average laborer's travel time will evaporate nearly to nothing, which will undoubtedly increase morale and bolster productivity across the economies of all kingdoms to adopt this technology. IF this device succeeds in the consumer market, we shall live in a world in which we all have a personal Star Road. | |
| In saying that, I will acknowledge Shoey's concerns regarding interdimensional attack. It is true that on a number of occasions existential threats to the Mushroom Kingdom have emerged from dimensions previously unknown to us, and the possibility does exist that these devices will build new connections to as-yet-unknown dimensions with equally-unknown threats. But that is precisely why we must allow this research to continue! The EGU, perhaps with government support, can work to improve the process of retrieving E-Gate users across dimensions, and we will be able to send intelligence scouts to other worlds to identify threats before they can reach us. Or, if the protectors of the Mushroom Kingdom and even the Mushroom Princess herself should be whisked away to an unknown dimension as happened in the so-called Bleck Incident, a mission can be launched to locate and retrieve them rather than an entire kingdom being left to wait anxiously for a return which is by no means guaranteed. If there are security risks to these devices, they are outweighed by the possible security benefits. The promise these devices have to improve our world means that, while, yes, steps should be taken to improve their safety and communicate those improvements to the public, we cannot afford to allow the project to be halted! |
Written by: Walter G. Timeson (talk)
DMV Goes Hands-Off, So Do Drivers
Earlier this month, a system error at the Mushroom Kingdom Department of Motor Vehicles resulted in the unilateral approval of all driver's licenses for nearly 12 hours, with no manual oversight or completion of driver's tests. News of the error quickly spread over social media, resulting in many prospective drivers taking advantage of it and obtaining a license, even if they would not be able to per current Mushroom Kingdom laws. While early reports of citizens seeing Piranha Plants driving were dismissed as an April Fool's Day hoax, numerous independent reports have confirmed the presence of drivers without arms or even legs on Mushroom Kingdom motorways. The MKDMV has since acknowledged the error, although no statement has been made as to whether the licenses will be revoked.
Surprisingly, no major accidents have been linked to licenses issued during this time, however there have been numerous incidents of Snowmen driving into warmer climates, melting, and leaving their vehicles blocking the road. Citizens remained concerned, feeling that it is only a matter of time until this leads to disaster.
It's ridiculous, is what it is! The roads are infested with people who by all rights don't belong there now. I almost got sideswiped by a Cataquack today. A Cataquack! How can you drive when you don't even have eyes?
Others have been more supportive of retaining the licenses, however.
URGH! I've been riding my moped around town for years and no one's had a problem with it! Who needs limbs anyway? Let them drive, I say! ARGH!
The Mario Kart Racing Association has additionally been vocally supportive of expanding the criteria for new driver's licenses, and has made arrangements for anyone who received a license during this time to be eligible to participate in its upcoming World Tour. This move has been criticized as being motivated by profit in an attempt to draw more attention towards the upcoming tournament, rather than being in the kingdom's best interests.
There have also been rumors of a connected mass breakout at Moo Moo Meadows, in which several of the farm's Moo Moos escaped and got driver's licenses and have now formed a biker gang. While there is evidence of Moo Moos driving since the incident, claims of a biker gang remain unsubstantiated. The administration of Moo Moo Meadows has declined a request to comment.
Of course, one must ask the question of how species lacking the necessary limbs to drive a standard vehicle have been able to do so thus far. We contacted an expert in the field, who had this to say:
IDK
The 'Shroom will continue to keep you updated on the situation as it develops. This has been Walter G. Timeson reporting, and I am now out of time.
Written by: Legend 8
The Sorcery Show
Episode 16: Easter Escapades
It is a magnificently sunny spring day in the Mushroom Kingdom, and our heroes Pyrokles, Kroop and the Explainer are currently relaxing in the cooling shade of their enormous, twisted castle, amidst a newly-conjured lawn of tall grass where the castle's garden used to be. Kroop, the flaming Koopa skull, is lying on a fire-proof pillow, enjoying a smoothie. A second cup floating beside him indicates that the incorporeal Explainer is chilling right next to Kroop, and on his other side... Wait. Wasn't there supposed to be a black-robed, slightly crazy Magikoopa sitting here? Apparently, Pyrokles, the ancient antilogician, has had enough of relaxing. He is restlessly sneaking through the grass a few steps away, swearing under his breath - it seems like he's searching for something... No, he found something!
Pyro: Gaaaaahhh! This just can't be!
Kroop: Relax! What's up??
Pyro: I-I found another egg!!!!! How could this freaking bunny- ugh! I just don't understand how this could happen!!!!! Was my anti-bunny spell not enough??
Kroop: Pyro, what the hell are you talking about?
I think he's talking about the Easter bunny... But, well, no idea what the rest is supposed to mean...
Pyro furiously turns around, shaking, and then stretches his arm to an unnatural length towards them to present what he is holding in his hand: a tiny, colourfully painted egg.
Pyro: THIS!!!!! This is the embodiment of pure evil, an intruder, a symbol of inevitable doooom!!!
Huh. That looks like a regular egg. With a bit of paint, maybe, but that's all.
Kroop: Yeah, it does... Oh, wait, no! I think I know what's up! Y'know, Pyro always gets all paranoid every time Easter approaches, cause he hates the idea of a bunny sneaking around that even he has never noticed. He then always casts zillions of spells to keep any bunnies out, and still, he always finds some eggs hidden somewhere and it freaks him out completely!
Pyro: Exactly! And I just can't figure out how this damn rabbit manages to get past my spells EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!! It's almost like he's mocking me!!! J-just look at this egg, the pattern, doesn't it look like a face laughing at me?! It does, right?? Yes it does!!! He's mocking me, the stupid Easter bunny is- wahahahaaaaaaaa!!!!....
Pyro bursts into tears that incinerate the grass around him. His grip on the egg tightens, and it cracks, spilling egg yolk all over his frustrated face, causing him to cry even more.
Kroop: Oh, Pyro, it's fine, you don't have to cry! Everyone fails some spells sometime! And besides, I've had some, uh, bad bunny experiences too, I even still have the annoying animal hair allergy I had in life, but despite that, it's not like a rabbit and a few painted eggs mean the end of the world. Oh, gah, there's gotta be bunny hair or something on that egg... ACHOO!
Bless you! Anyways, Kroop's right. Come on, just lie down with us and relax a little. Crying doesn't change your situation!
Pyro: That's true, thanks, you two are the best. This time I'll finally get him!!
Kroop: What? A-A-ACHOO!
Pyro: Oh, uh, nothing. Maybe I should really just relax a little.
Pyro conjures a floating hammock and a third drink, and lies down next to the two others. But before that, unnoticed by the two, he touches his glasses and mutters something, and a red glow streaks across them. Then, he falls asleep, snoring loudly.
Kroop: Phew, this went a lot easier than his usual Easter rage.
A few hours pass, with Pyro still peacefully snoring about. But then, all of a sudden, he lurches awake, falling out of his hammock and scrambling to his feet. He wildly shakes Kroop and the Explainer awake, and then points towards the castle, a glowing red target icon moving in front of his right eye.
Pyro: There!! There he is! After him!!!
Kroop: W-what's going on...
Dunno, too tired to expl- URGH PYRO STOP TELEKINETICALLY DRAGGING US ACROSS THE LAWN!!!
Kroop: I'm awake! I'm already awake, you can stop now!! What was that for?!
He said you can stop now so WILL YOU STOP ALREADY!!?!?!
Pyro: Sorry, no time, I just needed you to follow me. Gotta hunt a bunny!!
Kroop: What?!
Pyro sets Kroop and the Explainer down and continues to rush through the grass while they desperately try to keep up, floating towards the other side of his castle at a terrifiying speed, but never losing track of his target that is still happily hopping around and getting closer and closer.
Pyro: I'll get you!!! Just you wait, treacherous rodent- or, uh, yeah, whatever!!!!!!
Kroop: Pyro! Wait! What's even happening?!
I think I can explain. He seems to have cast a tracking spell on his glasses, and now he apparently thinks he found something that might be the Easter bunny.
The group races through the grass, the castle's main gate slowly coming into vision. Pyro screams a battle cry and blasts forwards like a rocket, determined to catch his lifelong enemy. And his suspicion proves correct: with his spell allowing him to see through the grass thicket, he sees a small animal with long ears hopping around, highlighted in a glowing red. But apparently, the animal noticed his noise, it seems a little distressed and then dashes away into the sea of green blades.
Pyro: No! I can't let it get away!
Kroop: What? I don't see anything!
Pyro raises his staff angrily and all the grass crumbles into dust, revealing the small, brown creature that is trying to flee with its large basket of eggs. He traps it inside a ring of flames that shoot out from the ground all around it, and lands back on his feet, walking towards it with a maniacal laugh while his tracking spell ends.
Pyro: I KNEW IT!!! I KNEWWW ITTT!!! Now I'll get my VENGEANCE for the WEEKS OF TERROR you've given me, you filthy animal!
Kroop: Wow. He's real?! I always thought that was just Pyro's paranoia... ACHOO!!
Please don't hurt him! Millions of kids would be so sad!
Pyro: Don't worry, I'll only... huh? What the hell is he...?
The Easter bunny pulls an egg from its basket. It has a swirly grey pattern and... a fuse? The bunny suddenly lights the fuse and throws the egg to the ground, and an explosion of smoke immediately covers the whole area. When it finally disperses due to a powerful gust of wind conjured by Pyro, the tiny furry creature is gone.
Pyro: NOOOOOOO!!! I just can't believe it, I almost had it!!
Kroop: Oh. Damn. Really not looking forward to another Pyro tantrum...
Nah, I think he isn't done yet. Look, he's using a target spell again!
Pyro swivels around and, aided by the spell, he sees just in time how the bunny lands on the castle roof using a grappling hook. He furiously waves his arms, and a portion of the ground below them just flips around to catapult them towards the fleeing rabbit.
Kroop: Aaaghghhh Pyro not agaiii... wait, he's taking this REALLY seriously, he isn't even screaming gleefully! I just hope this ends well...
Pyro gracefully lands on the roof and sprints after the Easter bunny, then conjures a kart to drive after him even faster, while Kroop crashes into a tower and is fortunately caught by the floating Explainer. They hurry to follow Pyro and the animal that is frantically trying to run away, throwing eggs behind its back that cause Pyro's kart to spin out and almost fly off the roof. Meanwhile, the bunny uses its grappling hook to swing over to an adjacent tower, but Pyro turns his kart around and jumps off the roof, also soaring towards the tower using draconic wings that he created. But as he arrives, the bunny is gone once again. The only thing left behind is another Easter egg - this time, actually showing a mocking face. Pyro angrily takes it and throws it into space, while his friends arrive on the tower, exhausted.
So... the Easter bunny is a secret agent?? That's absurd, but it also kinda makes sense...
Pyro: Nothing makes sense! Where is he gone?!?!!
Kroop: No idea, but can't we just chill again? As I see it, the bunny's gone, and that's what you wanted after all, right?
Kroop, I think you shouldn't...
Pyro glances at Kroop with enough fury to set him ablaze, hadn't he already been burning. With a frustrated roar, he commands the egg he just sent flying into the sky to crash back down, right onto Kroop's skull. In a blast of egg yolk and breaking roof tiles, Kroop is sent flying down the tower roof and... is gone.
Pyro: Oops. Well, serves you right if you say such stupid stuff!! You can come out now!!!
Kroop doesn't come out and stays gone. But as they start searching for him, they suddenly hear Kroop's slightly echoing voice coming from the side of the roof. As they approach, they notice the gutter, and it seems like Kroop is talking from there!
Kroop: Help me! Please! I'm stuck in here!!! And it-it smells like, like... ACHOO!!
Pyro: Wait. What did you just say?
Kroop: I said HELP ME!!
Pyro: No, no, I mean the other thing you said.
Kroop: Huh?! I never said anything else, what do you... ACHOO!!
Pyro: Yes, that's what I meant! Yes! We haven't fully lost him!
Oooohhh, I seee! But what are you gonna do now, Pyro, you're too big for... Pyro?
Pyro shapeshifts into a heavy dumbbell and falls down into the hole, pushing Kroop, who was stuck, down the gutter. The Explainer swiftly follows as they rush down the old, rusty pipe - which ends in a warp pipe all of a sudden! They are all transported through the pipe and reappear in a huge room filled with warp pipe openings, while Pyro turns back into Pyro.
Kroop: Ouch! Every one of my bones hurts!! That was so unnecessar- ACHOO!!
Huh? Pyro, look at that!
In the middle of the room, atop a huge pile of eggs, stands a desk with lots of secret agent-y gadgets, and behind it sits a small brown creature, painting eggs. It notices them, shocked, and pulls a big energy blaster from beneath the desk.
Pyro: Hah! Got you, FINALLY!!! ...uh?
As Pyro looks at the "Easter bunny" more closely, he suddenly realizes that the creature sitting there is, in fact, not a bunny, but...
Pyro: A PLATYPUS?!!??
The platypus realizes that it probably shouldn't have already taken off its disguise, and quickly puts the fake ears it had been wearing back on.
Pyro: PERRY THE...?!! Oh no wait wrong reality, and isn't teal either, never mind. THE EASTER PLATYPUS???!!?!!
Wow, that's actually crazy... but it DOES kind of make sense, after all, where would a rabbit get all the eggs from?
Kroop: Well, I don't really find it that exciting... It just means that I'm allergic to platypus hair too- ACHOOOO!!!!! But I gotta admit, it really is, A-ACHOO!!!, a bit surprising...
OH! And that's also why the anti-bunny spells had no effect! Because it's never even been a bunny!!
Meanwhile, the platypus is making platypus noises and aiming the energy blaster at Pyro to scare him off. But he is already walking towards the pile of eggs, a fireball ready in his hand - he is still a bit baffled, but he hasn't lost sight on his original goal. Pyro snaps his fingers and the energy blaster crumbles into dust.
Pyro: Now, Explainer, could you maybe translate? I would like to have a good talk with this fellow.
Uh, yeah, fine?
Pyro: Now, Easter platypus. You have invaded my home, multiple times, and hidden your maddening eggs all around WITHOUT MY PERMISSION, yes, even after I PROHIBITED you of doing so!!!! What have you got to say to your defense??!
Uh... Yeah, okay... The platypus says that... it's kind of its job to sneak around and hide eggs. But... it also admits that it enjoyed driving you paranoid. It apologizes for that.
Pyro: Such an evil little... yeah, but also pretty understandable. It IS fun to drive people crazy, after all... I accept the apology!
Okay, great! The platypus... wants to know whether it should still hide eggs around your castle in the future, now that you know where they come from? Also, I think it wants its gun back.
Pyro: Huh, yeah, well, I think the platypus is right. Now that I know where the eggs come from, I think I won't be so paranoid about them anymore, and I could also always cast anti-platypus spells if I don't want them anymore. BUUUUT there is one more little thing I would like you to do, dear platypus, if you want my permission...
The platypus asks what exactly that thing would be. And if it could maybe have its gun back now.
Pyro: Well, there are these... let's say, rivals of mine. They call themselves the Agents of Absolute and Uncreative Logic, ever heard of them before? Anyway, I'm sure they would really enjoy Easter eggs appearing everywhere at random - especially ones with a very creative design! You think you could do that?
It says that it would be a pleasure! Also, it still wants its gun back.
Pyro: Great! Now let's get going, folks! Ahhh, now I can finally truly relax.
Huh. Apparently no one is surprised at all by the fact that the Easter bunny was just discovered to actually be a platypus secret agent... And you also forgot about the poor platypus' gun again!
Kroop: A-A-ACHOOO!! Please, let's just get going...
But what about the gun?!?
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
A quick recap…again
The Sunshine Travel Agency has been thrown into turmoil ever since the (in?)famous writer Cosmo was lost in another dimension. After being taken over by notorious Bar D. Jokue, Cosmo's family came to the rescue by overthrowing the villianish Pianta. However, hints of Cosmo's return have been swirling in the air…
Mushroom Kingdom Sewers: Wait, what?
Muahahahaha! The great Bar D. Jokue has returned. Thanks to the help of an old friend, I have gained nearly complete control of The Sunshine Travel Agency. Now I can choose whatever location I want to cover. Now no one can stop me!
Hmmm, something feels different today…
Hang on… Doesn't that usually say history? I could have sworn last time I was here it said history… Things have really changed.
Oh, you're right! This usually says history.
Huh? That's oddly specific. Plus, isn't there supposed to be a larger gap between headings. This is probably Cosmo's fault.
Oh! Cosmo is the guy who's usually here, right?
Oh no, I think I'm dealing with a sentient travel guide! EEEEEEK!!
I miss Cosmo, I say we bring him back for an issue.
Nononono! Stop! Don't betray me, travel guide! Please! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Dimensional Limbo: More fun than it sounds!
Huh? What's this? Oh my gosh, I finally developed a stable connection! That means I can travel back to my regular universe, permanently. No more jumping back and forth randomly, no more invisibiltity, WOOOHOOOO! COSMO'S COMING BACK BABY! Though it'll take a while for my portal generator to generate a portal with its portal generating power, so I'll have to do something to pass the time. Why not write a travel guide! Perfect!
History
Well, I don't really know the history of this random void, so instead, I'll explain what has happened to me in this void so far. Back when I was in Concordia, I managed to establish a connection to 'Shroom HQ with my Super Duper Ultra Dimensionator, which I used to send a travel guide through. I planned to head through myself, until I was attacked by [Error].
My Dimensionator went crazy and sent me hurtling through space and time (or something) until plopping me between dimensions. Fortunately, thanks to my incredible luck (plot armour) the Dimensionator landed nearby, and I repaired it into Super Duper Ultra Dimensionator 8 Deluxe Switch 2 Edition.
Eventually, I found a weak connection to my home dimension. Unfortunately, it wasn't strong enough to keep me permanently grounded, instead I took a ghost-like form. I looked around for my friend Boo1268, thinking he might have some kind of solution, but he was having dimensional problems of his own. I left a few messages behind, before being transported back to the place between worlds.
I thought I saw some other familiar faces, but couldn't get their attention. Bummer. Thankfully, some unknown force has re-established my connection to my dimension, which means I don't have to start looking around to see if any of these portals would take me back home. Phew.
Attractions
Not much here, except the low gravity, which lets you do a loop in mid-air without your hat falling off. (Note: Don't sue me) There's also random portals to other universes but you can't get out once you go in. I know this because…uh. NEXT PART!
Practical Advice
Seriously? What advice do you need other than:
Travel
You'll probably get stranded here during dimensional travels, which seems to be all the rage nowadays.
Weather
Well, since it's like mystical and stuff, the only weather is spillover from other dimensions. Otherwise, enjoy the constant white void.
Food
Oh no. I haven't been eating food this whole time!? Oh wait, my travel snacks. Make sure to pack food if you plan to visit.
Safety Advice
Be careful around the portals. Psst, I saw this weird one where The 'Shroom was an online newspaper and someone was sitting at a computer writing this very thing. Creepy. Maybe I should sue them for plagiarism.
Catalogue
Do you expect a shop to be randomly floating between dimensions? This is the part where I'd make a joke about you being right except there is no shop floating between dimensions.
Conclusion
Hey, the Dimensionator's ready. I don't want a situation like last time, so I'll make this quick. If you have a suggestion for a location you want me to cover or some feedback, contact me on the forums. Thanks for reading, and here I go!
Hm? Oh, I'm alive. Yipee! Wait a second, this place doesn't look like New Wikisburg at all. Oh crap. The Dimensionator says I'm in the right universe, I'm on the right planet, but it teleported me to some random location! Oh well, at least home shouldn't be too far away. I'm sure I'll get back easily, and there won't be troubles with dimensions ever again…
| The 'Shroom: Issue 217 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • 'Shroomfest • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
