The 'Shroom:Issue 213/Palette Swap
Director's Notes
The end of 2024 is here and 2025 is waiting just around the corner! It's the December 'Shroom!
How are we feeling about Brothership, y'all? It seems like everyone has enjoyed it, except for that one reviewer from IGN that seems to have an axe to grind against this poor game. I've enjoyed hearing about it from a friend, while I'm currently replaying Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes. I had always meant to go back and conquer the other two routes, and two years later, here I am! I cleared Golden Wildfire and Scarlet Blaze (the latter under duress, admittedly, that route wasn't for me at all) and now I'm currently replaying the Azure Gleam route as I wanted to send this game off on a high note and I also wanted to replay this route proper along with the others. Once the new year comes, though, it'll be full speed ahead on Xenoblade Chronicles as I wait for X in March. Here's hoping I can finish it in time!
ClawgripFan9001 has written a special Christmas story for you this month, an origin story for our favorite captain, and our comics are on full display for the holiday season, so I won't keep you all waiting up here. Thank you for another great year, everyone, and have a warm and safe holiday wherever you are!
~FunkyK38
Section of the Month
We've tallied up the Section of the Month results and here they are! Coming in first is winstein (talk) and The ? Panel once more! Following up, we have double Waluigi Time (talk)- Shmaluigi, Private Investigator is in second place, while Waluigi Time Comic is splitting third place with our volunteer Random Image of the Month from Shoey (talk). Congratulations, everyone, and thank you to all of you for voting!
| PALETTE SWAP SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The ? Panel | 26 | 48.15% | winstein (talk) |
| 2nd | Shmaluigi, Private Investigator | 9 | 16.67% | Shoey (talk) |
| 3rd | Waluigi Time Comic | 8 | 14.81% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 3rd | Random Image of the Month | 8 | 14.81% | Shoey (talk) |
Random Image of the Month
Hello and welcome back to another supposedly-voluntary Random Image of the Month, a section where I take a look at various pieces of artwork from the Mario series, with most of them being from the early years of Mario. This month's piece of artwork actually has a little bit of a story to it! See, I was on eBay looking for Toady merch to send my good friend, Hood. Fun fact! There is not a lot, and eBay kept thinking I meant that loser Toad. Anyways, I happened to come across a set of Japanese trading cards released in 1985, and that's where this month's image comes from!
Okay, so, I have two thoughts immediately. The first: Is the Fire Flower the most-redesigned power-up in the history of Mario? It goes from a regular flashing flower in Super Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros. The Lost Levels to a more cartoony flower with the trademark power-up eyes in Super Mario Bros. 3, then to an orange tulip-style design (which is my favorite, by the way) in Super Mario World. From there, it goes back to the more iconic cartoony Fire Flower design with the tulip design still appearing in the first few Paper Mario games. It's just weird that they kept redesigning the Fire Flower when it seems that, for the most part, the Super Mushroom's design and Star's design were settled by Super Mario Bros. 3.
My next thought is: Why the hell is Mario running left? It's 1985 in this trading card! What are you doing, Mario? You know you can't continue leftward! The screen won't move! You look like an idiot right now!
As for the meat of the image, I do find it funny how the Fire Flower is the wrong color. Like, come on, guys, get the little things right! Take pride in your work! But more to the point, judging by the huge sack of coins and Mario's face, it looks a lot like Mario just got done committing some sort of crime. Look at that sack! That's a bank-robbing sack if I've ever seen one! Also, this is just a minor personal thing, but that sack has a dollar sign on it and he's not stealing dollars! He's stealing coins, goddammit! The cent sign exists for a reason! Anyway, back to my "this is Mario committing some sort of crime theory", look at that face, especially the eyebrows. Those are absolutely the eyebrows of somebody who just finished doing something nefarious. Finally, look into the eyes of those terrible looking, off-model Koopa Paratroopas. Look at the look of horror in their eyes. They've seen what Mario has done and they are shook. Or maybe they're worried Mario is going to get that Star that's just conveniently hanging out, and then Mario will take them out so that there won't be any witnesses to his getaway. Look, I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but I can only examine the facts here, and the facts tell me that our hero Mario is either committing or has committed some sort of large-scale theft and is making a clean getaway with coins from the 1st National Mushroom Kingdom bank.
Waluigi Time Comic
Drawn by: Waluigi Time (talk)
"Snowman" - Waluigi Time Comic
Panel 1
[Waluigi Time and Chuck are in the park building a snowman.]
WALUIGI TIME: Shoot, I forgot the hat
Panel 2
[Waluigi Time puts his own top hat on the snowman.]
WALUIGI TIME: Guess it's up to ol' faithful then
Panel 3
[The snowman suddenly springs to life in a burst of purple sparkles, gaining Waluigi-like facial features.]
SNOWALUIGI: TOO BAD, WALUIGI TIME!
Panel 4
[The snowman is now in the Fake News office, shouting at the writers through a megaphone. There are three text bubbles of lyrics to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman".]
Snowaluigi really needs to go away
He's just made of snow, but the writers groan
'Cuz he shills at them all day
[All of the writers are reacting negatively to the snowman. Cosmo is hissing at him. Boo1268 is hiding his face. ClawgripFan is putting on a pair of earmuffs to muffle the sound. DryBonesBandit is putting his head in a box. Pyrokles is sitting at a desk with Kroop looking through a book labeled Anti-Logic Spells, with a thought bubble with a mute icon in it above his head. Shoey is brandishing a hair dryer while Pitohui looks on.]
Panel 5
[Waluigi Time tearfully watches while holding a tissue.]
WALUIGI TIME: I'm so proud
The ? Panel
(Panel 2) {Birdo and Mario approaches each other and prepare to kiss. Mario is worried at Peach's furious reaction when he kisses Birdo.}
(Panel 3) {Birdo has an uncontrolled irritation in her snout. Mario looks at Birdo, wondering what is happening with her.}
(Panel 4) {Birdo closes her eyes and sneezes.}
(Panel 5) {Birdo opens her eyes and wonders where Mario is.}
(Panel 6) {Birdo notices something that elicits a shocked expression from her.}
(Panel 7) {Birdo has a worried expression when she notices that Mario is propelled against the wall by the egg that she sneezed out, with the egg on his face, and a picture frame (containing a picture of Mario winning a trophy with Princess Peach beside him) dropped on Mario's head. The crowd including Toad, Koopa Troopa, Luigi, and Yoshi is stunned at the accident they witnessed. Yoshi in particular dropped a melon that he was initially holding.}
{Mario is sleeping while wearing his sleepwear. He has a bandage across his nose that was painful from the accident earlier, and he has a worrisome expression. He is currently having a nightmare of Birdo maliciously spitting eggs at him in a setting similar to the one in Super Mario Bros. 2.}
Shmaluigi, Private Investigator
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Light at the End of the Tunnel: Part 2
Several days had passed since I began my wild Koopa chase, but there was still no sign of Spiky Don or the Bone Crusher. No more word from that mysterious caller, either. At this point, I wouldn't be all that surprised if it turned out it was just someone with too much time on their hands playing a rude joke on me. I would say the investigation marches on nonetheless, but I was already working with barely any leads here. If I didn't figure something out soon, this could easily turn into a situation of letting whatever was going to happen play out on its own and then come in and mop up as much of the mess as possible. I wasn't thrilled about that being a distinct possibility.
As I sat down with my morning coffee, my cellphone began to ring. It was the same number from before - I had since added it to my contacts under the name Question Block. It seemed clever at the time. But there was no time to waste answering. "Hello?"
The same garbled voice from before came out of the speaker. "Find unit G072."
Before I could even think of what to say in response, they had already hung up. At least it was something to work with.
Unit G072... I'm sure there's other things it could be, but my thoughts went straight to the self-storage facility here in the city. Wouldn't be the first time I discovered someone using it for nefarious purposes, after all. The only problem was how to get inside the unit. It's not like I could get a warrant with how flimsy my case was at the moment. What am I going to say? Yeah, this person on the phone called me and told me to find this unit, no, I don't actually know who they are, I don't even know if this is specifically what they were talking about. I'd have better luck resorting to bribery, not that I was going to stoop to that. I'm not exactly well to-do enough that I could do it even if I wanted to. I guess I'd just have to do this the practical and dubious way, and by that I mean sneaking a crowbar in and dealing with the potential consequences later. What could possibly go wrong?
A lot, but I didn't have much of a choice.
Navigating the facility's maze of concrete and steel doors wasn't much of a hassle. Clearly marked signs will do that for you. Thankfully, there didn't appear to be anyone else around today - these types of places aren't usually too busy anyway - which made my job a lot easier. It wasn't too long before I found the unit with a sticker above it reading G072 in big white letters. I pulled the crowbar out of my trenchcoat, wedged it under the bottom of the door as best as I could, and got to work prying it open.
Easier said than done. If anyone came around the corner, I imagine I would have looked pretty ridiculous right now. That would really knock the wind out of the sails of my "police business" excuse.
Eventually though, the door came open, and with all the pressure I was putting on it, I ended up falling flat on my back as the crowbar slipped from my hands and clattered to the floor. Yeah, definitely a good thing no one was around to see that. I wiped the sweat off my forehead and pushed myself back up, and it was only as I was pushing the door all the way open that I realized I'd spent so much time worrying about the logistics that I never even thought about just what might be in here. But as the light from the rest of the facility poured into the unit, I got a good look at a unit packed with unassuming crates. If there was nothing incriminating in those, I was going to be in so much trouble...
There wasn't a lot of room to work with, but I was able to squeeze inside. Being a beanpole has its advantages, I have to say. I climbed on top of the crates to get in a good position to open one of them, noting a pretty thick layer of dust that had built up on the top. Whatever was here had been here for a long time, and the owner didn't seem to be in too much of a hurry to come back for it. I retrieved the crowbar to pry the lid open, and came face to face with... a whole mess of weaponry. Uh oh. I didn't have the time nor interest to take a full inventory of everything, but I recognized more than a few items that were banned by the crown, not to mention multiple instances of a logo that appeared distinctly crocodilian. Bet I could guess where that came from.
Okay, so this was a good lead. I put everything more or less back in its place to deal with later - I wasn't sure how this was going to play out, and I didn't want to alert the owner by bringing the whole NWPD down on this. The next step was going to management to find out just who was paying for this unit, so I left the facility to go find the main offices. Going back out into the natural sunlight was a welcome reprieve from the fluorescent lighting inside, but one that was short-lived, unfortunately.
Inside the office, I encountered a Toad at the front desk. "Hello! Welcome to Tox Box Self-Storage. Is there something I can help you with today?"
"The name's Shmaluigi, private investigator. You have payment records for all of your units, correct?"
"Indeed we do, but I'm afraid those are confidential," she said.
"Well, one of your clients is storing illegal items in their unit, so you should probably reconsider that."
"Oh my... Well, if that's the case, I suppose I could tell you... Which unit, Mr. Shmaluigi?"
"G072."
"G072... Here it is. Yes, we've been renting that out to ShellCo for the past few years. I never suspected that there was a problem..."
"ShellCo, eh? Thanks, you've been a big help."
"You're welcome... Do I need to contact the authorities now?"
"This is already part of an ongoing investigation, no need to worry."
Technically that was the case, anyway.
Looking into ShellCo was, thankfully, a cinch. I wasn't exactly keeping score, but I was pretty sure Mr. Time owed me at least one favor, so I stopped by The 'Shroom's newsroom for a little bit of journalistic digging. As it turns out, they pretty much don't exist. No physical headquarters, no real presence or public activity. In other words, a literal shell company - maybe a bit too on the nose with that name? The actual owner of this whole setup was Koopla Financial, operating out of Dark Land, of all places.
It was pretty clear to me what was going on here. With the longstanding hostilities between the Mushroom Kingdom and Dark Land, any dealings of a Dark Land-based company would be looked at with greater scrutiny than most. Obviously, that's something you wouldn't want if you're storing actual weapons caches for some reason, so they just ran the whole thing through a Mushroom Kingdom-based company that meets the bare minimum standards for existence. Makes sense, especially if Monty Brando was the mastermind here - which I had reason to believe he was, even beyond my mysterious informant hinting at his involvement from the get-go. I knew he was hoarding weapons, and I've uncovered seemingly legitimate companies that he was funneling his activities through before. Plus, I had a strong suspicion that was Kreep's logo on some of those items. They must have been Brando's.
What I didn't quite understand was the Dark Land connection. Even with ShellCo set up, it seemed out of character for him to take that extra risk of drawing attention without good reason. The only way I was going to get to the bottom of this was by going to Dark Land myself and go straight to the top.
That was going to be quite the drive, come to think of it... I'd better stop for gas before I crossed the border.
I was expecting some sort of unassuming, hole-in-the-wall establishment, but when I arrived at the address, I was met with a towering skyscraper instead. I wasn't all that familiar with Koopa architecture, but from the amount of detail that was put into it, I figured that it was fairly old if it was anything like what I'm used to. Inside, I found a grand lobby, very fancy with marble floors that I could see myself in. I tried to avoid getting into anyone's business and made a beeline for the nearest elevator. Gold-painted doors and an interior to match, of course. I assumed the big cheese around here would be on the highest floor and went straight to the top.
Sure enough, the doors opened up to prime boss' reception room material. A shiny blue Bob-omb wearing glasses sat at the desk.
"Is your boss in?" I asked.
The Bob-omb slowly looked up at me, then looked me over with an unsure expression. Obviously, I wasn't a regular around here. "Do you have an appointment?"
"That's not an answer," I replied.
"Well he's only in if you have an appointment," she snapped back.
That was all I needed to know, so I avoided any further dialogue and just barged into the office despite her protests. "Hey, you can't go in there! HEY!"
I'm going to get a bad reputation with receptionists at this rate.
The office matched the rest of this place in over-the-top fanciness. Bookcases lined the walls and a large window on the back wall looked out onto the rest of the city. The oversized wooden desk and upholstered chair behind it made the Koopa Troopa sitting there appear comically small. He was a somewhat pale fellow who looked to be getting on in years, and his little pencil mustache and immaculately tailored suit made the message he was trying to send crystal clear. This guy was upper crust, probably old money at that.
"I beg your pardon? What do you think you're doing, sir?" he said, flustered by the interruption. "I should call security and have you thrown out this instant."
"That's not a good idea," I said. I wasn't sure what I was going for there, but I was hoping it would be enough to stick around long enough to squeeze answers out of this guy. "The name's Shmaluigi, private investigator. Care to answer a few questions?"
"Hmph. Do I look like I have the time to deal with the likes of you?"
Alright, looks like we wouldn't be playing nice here. "Well, to be honest, yes, you do look like you have the time. Sitting up here in your fancy office, twiddling your thumbs."
"Well, yes, I pay lots of people good money to avoid encounters like this. Just get on with it before I change my mind and have you hauled out of here."
"Shmaluigi will cut to the chase then. Your company owns ShellCo in the Mushroom Kingdom, correct?"
"It's possible."
"What do you mean 'it's possible'? Don't try to play coy, Shmaluigi's not in the mood for it. Or maybe you'd prefer getting crammed into that shell of yours and going for a joyride."
"You uncouth individual, you barge into the office of Richard Koopla III, and threaten me and my freshly-waxed shell?" he said, really putting that emphasis on the third there. He must have been proud of it.
"Just. Answer. The question."
In response, I was met with a resigned sigh. "Fine, yes, we own ShellCo. Just an arm for doing business over there while cutting through the red tape of international hostilities, you see."
"Mhm, business like, oh, say, renting storage facilities, perhaps?"
"I... suppose so, yes."
"Let's cut to the chase. ShellCo is making the payments on at least one storage unit filled to the brim with illegal weapons. So if you don't want a heap of trouble crashing down on you, you better explain that, and make it a good one."
"Sir, that's preposterous! We would not sully the good name of Koopla Financial with such underhanded activities."
I didn't say a word in response, just gave him the most stern look I could manage. Hopefully it communicated "try again".
"Alright, alright, fine! Yes, we... we do pay for a storage unit through ShellCo, but... I don't know what's going on with it, I swear! Just, let me explain from the beginning," he said, closing his eyes and pressing two fingers against them in frustration. "Some time ago, I was approached by a Monty Mole. He called himself... Brando, if I recall? Made himself appear as someone of great influence. He asked me to do it for him as a small favor, promising that it would eventually result in some great boon for Dark Land if I assisted him. And if I didn't... he knew things. Things that could ruin me and my family name if they got out. You don't get where I am without a few skeletons in the closet, you understand. So, we keep up the payments and I assume he does with it as he wishes. I didn't care to ask what his purposes were for such a small matter."
"But why would he go to you, of all people?" I asked.
He scoffed, as if he was insulted by the question. "I'll have you know, my family is one of the most influential in Dark Land. My father was running this company when all King Bowser was concerned with was sucking his thumb, and my grandfather before him. Several others in my circles encountered him too. All the elites of Dark Land, of course. I don't care to associate with the common folk if I can help it."
"Interesting. Can you get a list of your acquaintances who he might have contacted?"
"Yes, I can do that... Just give me a moment. Now, will that be all? I have very important business to attend to."
"Sure, that should be enough. You can get to your golf game after this."
"Well, I never..."
Checking in with Mr. Koopla's list of contacts didn't shed any further light on the situation. Of the ones that had actually encountered Brando, they all had the same story. Small, seemingly mostly innocent business favors, didn't ask questions. I believed them, though. Brando's the kind of guy to keep his cards close to his chest, especially when it comes to people outside of his organization. But this did solidify the connection, and more importantly, it revealed that he apparently had some interest in Dark Land. What it was, I still didn't know for sure, but it certainly worried me.
Conspiracy board time. If my mystery contact was to be believed, Brando's weapon hoarding was certainly part of whatever his big plan was. There had to be more caches than just that one with how deep his involvement with Kreep was. The Dark Land connection had to be important too - it couldn't have just been coincidence that the one I was led to was being paid for by someone over there. Was he allying with the Koopa Troop, or something? Most importantly, if he was to the point of breaking his underlings out of prison, presumably to work on the operation, he was scarily close to executing whatever this was, and he'd been working on it for years.
By the time I got back home, it was already dinnertime. Looks like I accidentally worked straight through lunch. Whoops.
With no other concrete leads to follow, I went about the rest of my day and went to bed. I was awoken in the middle of the night by my cellphone ringing, with a call from good old Question Block again. "Hello?"
"Did you find it?"
"Yeah... Listen, um... is the Dark Land thing important?"
"Very, can't explain now though. There's bigger things happening. Raccoon Street, thirty minutes. Be prepared."
And just like that, they hung up again, but now I was wide awake. Without hesitation, I called up Chief Palmer. I wasn't sure how big this was actually going to be, but I was going to be ready for it. I definitely wasn't going in solo.
"What is it, Shmaluigi?" he said. From the sound of his voice, I woke him up too. I guess it was a chain reaction.
"Chief, there's going to be something happening on Raccoon Street half an hour from now. We need to set up a sting operation and get these guys."
"That's kind of vague, Shmaluigi. Can you elaborate on what's actually happening?"
"Well... No."
"I see... Well then, how trustworthy is your intel?"
I had to pause on that one. I didn't know who this person was, how much they knew, or what their intentions were. Sure, they led me to the storage unit, but that was really it. Who knows, it could even be Brando himself intentionally leaking info just to lure me into a trap again. "Gotta be honest with you chief, the track record's not well proven yet."
"Hmm... You know I trust your judgment Shmaluigi, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable expending police resources with that little to go on."
"Yeah, but chief-"
"Tell you what. I'm willing to do it, but I'll have to make it conditional that if nothing comes of it, you're going to have to cover the costs on this one."
Yikes. I wasn't that confident in my source, and if things didn't pan out here, I could easily be out several months' rent. Then Ms. Broxy would evict me and I'd end up having to live with Shmwario and he's the kind of person who uses being an independent adult as an excuse not to pick up his dirty laundry off the floor. Wait a minute...
"Actually, you know what, Shmaluigi might just have this covered after all."
"Alright, if you say so. Be careful out there."
I hung up and re-dialed to get some muscle of my own. The best part is, this wouldn't cost several months' rent! Probably.
"Whaddaya want?!" Shmwario shouted. I instinctively pulled the phone away from my ear. "It's like two in the morning, this better be good!"
"Bro, it's me. How'd you like to bust some mafia noggins?"
"What? Well, say no more! Where we goin'?"
"Raccoon Street in just under half an hour."
"Bwahaha! Consider 'em busted!"
I arrived on Raccoon Street making sure there was plenty of time to spare. Of course, that meant I had to wait for Shmwario to show up, which would probably be last minute. This whole thing was nervewracking enough already... I kept checking my watch the whole time - he finally came up behind me a minute early, with Shmaisy in tow.
"About time you showed up," I said to him.
"What? I'm on time, stop complainin'!"
"I see you brought Shmaisy with you."
"Of course, I wouldn't miss this for the world," she said, pulling a cigarette from her trenchcoat pocket. "It's been a while since I put anyone in a headlock."
"So... what are we waitin' for?" Shmwario asked.
"I'm not really sure. I was just told to be here and be prepared, so keep your eyes peeled, I guess."
Between the three of us, I figured we had it covered. Then, it had to be on the dot almost, I spotted multiple groups of Shy Guys in the distance hauling crates. "That must be them, come on," I said.
Shmwario, of course, approached it with all the subtlety of a two-ton wrecking ball. "CHARGE!"
I'll spare the details, but suffice to say, those unfortunate Shy Guys never stood a chance. I'd be pretty embarrassed if I was them, at least once they regained consciousness. I popped open one of the crates, and this wouldn't have been out of place at all in that storage unit, if it didn't come directly from there. This time, I had a much simpler request for the NWPD - come over here to pick up these guys and confiscate these crates.
"I gotta say I'm a little underwhelmed," Shmwario said, picking his ear. "I was hoping for a better challenge than a buncha wimpy Shy Guys!"
"Oh, don't worry, there's probably plenty more where that came from," I replied.
Over the next week, I kept getting calls from Question Block every one or two days with locations around the city and times to be there. Same thing as always, some guys moving stuff, Shmwario and Shmaisy mop the floor with them and we call in the cops to clean up afterward. We had it down to a science at this point, but I had to wonder how much of a dent it was putting in Brando's operation. More importantly, how long would he put up with our interference?
Not very long, apparently... The mooks Brando was sending as pack mules were getting stronger, but were never too much to handle. This time, he sent in the big guns.
"Wait a minute, that's Spiky Don and the Bone Crusher!" I said, observing them down the street accompanying the moving team.
"Betcha we can take 'em!" Shmwario exclaimed before rushing into things headfirst as usual. I wasn't so confident myself, but things could be worse...
"Well, well, well, look what we have here," Spiky Don said, seeing us approach. "The boss had a feeling it was you mucking things up."
The Bone Crusher added nothing but a guttural howl, and it was then that I realized that things were, in fact, worse! On our last encounter, he lost the rest of his skeletal body, and Brando apparently saw it fit to replace it with a hulking mechanical suit. I didn't even want to know what it could do.
Spiky Don turned to the mafians hauling the crates, who were by now upgraded to Chargin' Chucks and Sledge Bros. "Get these to the trainyard for once, we'll handle these three!"
And oh boy, did they get to work handling things. Next thing I know, Bone Crusher's launching both of his fists right at my face with spring-loaded arms. Those things brought back some unpleasant memories, and if I didn't know any better, I'd say Brando was dipping into psychological warfare. Thankfully, I was able to duck out of the way and whipped out my crowbar - kept it with me this whole time since I figured it would make a better defense tool than miscellaneous sporting equipment - and gave him a good whack on the bottom of the chin, sending his head flying and the mech tumbling to the ground. But if I knew Dry Bones, that wouldn't hold for long.
"Hey, pick on someone your own size!" Shmwario shouted. "I got the big one, you take Shiny over there!"
Well, I wasn't going to say no to that. I turned my attention towards Spiky Don and was met with a gaze as steely as his armor, before he quickly ducked into his shell and spun right toward me. I sidestepped out of the way, only for him to ricochet off a building back towards me. Keeping up with this was going to be a tricky one, and one wrong step could end up with my foot pierced. Didn't help that I was partially distracted seeing Shmwario and Shmaisy going ham on a reformed Bone Crusher back there.
"Woo, this guy's tougher than I thought!" Shmaisy exclaimed, trying to get control of one of the spring-loaded arms and pull it behind the brute's back.
"Yeah, but he's a real numbskull!" Shmwario added.
I kept dodging around Spiky Don's shell spinning, trying to get in a few good hits with my crowbar. I didn't think it would do much besides redirect him, but it was better than nothing. Unfortunately, he was just too fast for me to manage both at the same time. I guess he decided this strategy wasn't working, because eventually he stopped and popped back out of his shell.
"You're one fast-footed flatfoot," he said, then suddenly his eyes widened. "HOLY-"
I almost thought he was tricking me before my ears were assaulted by a truck horn, a loud crash, and an even worse howl from the Bone Crusher. I whipped around to see that some unfortunate driver barreled right into the massive Dry Bones and was shoving him down the road.
"Uhh, we'll go take care of that, you deal with this shmuck!" Shmwario said before him and Shmaisy turned and darted down the road in pursuit.
"He never did have much going on in that skull of his. That Wizzerd sure gave the boss what he wanted when he asked for a mindless servant," Spiky Don quipped. "Now make this look good, I don't know who might be watching."
"Wait, what?"
I didn't know quite what he meant and let my guard down - then he punched me square in the jaw. "I said make it look good! We don't have much time to talk."
"Wait, were you the one on the phone?" I asked.
"Bingo. You've figured everything out by now, I assume?"
"Mostly, still working on the whole Dark Land thing. You weren't much help with that," I replied, as we continued to exchange blows in a manner as realistic but minimal on injuries as possible. I think I was trying not to hurt him harder than he was trying not to hurt me, though.
"Let me spell it out for you, then. Those weapons Brando's been stockpiling? He's getting ready to ship them all to Dark Land. He's going to offer Bowser an alliance - he'll provide them with the firepower, then the Koopa Troop can conquer the Mushroom Kingdom once and for all. In exchange, Brando takes true control of the Koopa Troop behind the scenes while placating Bowser by letting him do whatever he wants here. The world would be his oyster."
"World domination? That's crazy!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah. I guess it's been his endgame for years, but he only let me in on the details recently."
"So, you turned over a new leaf, eh?"
"Heh. Don't think I've gone soft, I've got my reasons. I'm ex-Koopa Troop myself, and frankly, Bowser's a total buffoon. Did he ever care about the rest of the Koopas? No, he's too busy trying to get his claws on Peach and still getting trounced by plumbers all these years. And now I'm stuck with Brando. I thought I was one of his top men, and look, he left me to rot in prison until he had use for me. I don't want the world to be under the thumb of pathetic idiots like them. Just don't get used to the help, right now you're just the far lesser of two evils to me."
"Well, if that's the way it's got to be, it's better than nothing..."
"I was hoping we could foil his plot like this, but it's not working. He has too much stockpiled, we're not able to slow him down fast enough. He can take the losses at this stage, and he's going to be ready very soon. I need to come up with something better, we got to hit him where it hurts - I'll call you when it's time."
We continued "fighting" for a bit before Spiky Don was interrupted by his walkie-talkie. "Looks like the boys made the delivery, so my work here is done. Bone Crusher can find his way home on his own, he's like a dog. A really stupid dog."
With that, he ducked into his shell and dashed away down the street until he was out of sight, leaving me with a lot to think about, and probably yet another waiting game to play.
I guess I should probably go catch up with Shmwario and Shmaisy...
To be continued...
Well, that was a pretty long one! Hopefully you enjoyed it, I'm having a really good time writing this arc and very excited to show you all where it goes next. I don't have much else to say, but I'd like to give a shoutout to Pitohui for helping me iron out some of the details in this part. See you next time!
Days of Christmas Past
Written by: ClawgripFan9001 (talk)
Synopsis
Before ClawgripFan9001 became the pirate crustacean he’s known as amongst the residents of New Wikisburg, he was on a journey through the oceans of Subcon with his best friends, TryclydeFan1982 and FryguyFan1250 when the three of them were separated after going overboard during a heavy storm and being magically transported to the Mushroom World, washing ashore in different areas of the Mushroom World and losing their memories in the process. ClawgripFan9001 washed ashore on Donkey Kong Island and believed himself to be a pirate, TryclydeFan1982 washed ashore on Keelhaul Key and believed himself to be a brawling thug, and FryguyFan1250 washed ashore at Oho Oasis in the Beanbean Kingdom and believed himself to be a novelist. 10 years later, each of them have settled in different places of the Mushroom World, with ClawgripFan9001 having become a news reporter for The 'Shroom in New Wikisburg, TryclydeFan1982 being a high ranking member of the Robbo Thieves in Rogueport and FryguyFan1250 being a fantasy novelist situated in Koopa Village in the Mushroom Kingdom. Christmas has arrived in the Mushroom World, and our three protagonists each celebrate Christmas in their own manner, which is what this story will be focusing on.
The Story
Our story begins at the headquarters of The ‘Shroom, the newspaper of New Wikisburg. Within the Fake News offices, a large Sidestepper was seated at his desk, finishing up his work for the latest issue of The ‘Shroom. The Sidestepper’s name was ClawgripFan9001, a former sports journalist and current culinary columnist for The ‘Shroom’s Fake News team.
A grin was plastered across ClawgripFan9001’s face as he put the finishing touches on his work before neatly tucking it away in the drawer of his desk. “Yar, that should be a nice wrap-up in time fer this year’s ‘Oliday Special, I say.” ClawgripFan9001 said to himself in a stereotypical pirate accent before turning towards the door of his manager, Waluigi Time’s office. “Ahoy, Mr. Time! I finished up me work fer the ‘Oliday Special! Ye can find it in me desk drawer! I now be off ta prepare fer the ‘olidays, so I’ll be seein’ ye ‘round New Year’s Eve again, aye?” He called towards Waluigi Time’s office.
Waluigi Time proceeded to emerge from his office, wearing a Santa hat on his head along with a green Christmas sweater with blue jeans along with brown suede ankle boots and his stereotypical inverted-L adorned gloves, carrying a candy cane in his right hand. “Good, thank you very much, ClawgripFan! Have a nice Christmas, and I’ll be sure to see you at the Fake News New Year’s Eve party!” He happily told ClawgripFan9001, who nodded in response as he proceeded to pack his things and leave the office in a timely manner.
Soon, ClawgripFan9001 was strolling through the snow-covered streets of New Wikisburg, making his way towards his home that he resided in when he wasn’t otherwise residing at his beloved vessel, The Shadow Peach. Before long, the Sidestepper arrived at his house, which was located within the lower-income neighborhoods of New Wikisburg. Taking the key out of his pocket, he inserted it in the keyhole on the front door, turned it and pushed the door open, scuttling inside and closing the door behind him.
Sitting on a stick standing next to the couch in the living room was a Mini-Necky wearing a blue bandana akin to the one ClawgripFan9001 was wearing. This Mini-Necky was named Bonnet, and he was ClawgripFan9001’s beloved pet that had been living with him ever since the Sidestepper had saved the critter from captivity during an expedition in the remains of the Gangplank Galleon.
Looking up to see his owner returning home from work, Bonnet happily screeched to express his joy of being reunited with ClawgripFan9001 once more. The Sidestepper let out a hearty chuckle at his pet Mini-Necky’s gleeful response to his return. “Aye, I be glad ta be ‘ome as well, Bonnet. Gimme a second, an’ then it’s quality time fer ye an’ me.” He told his pet in a loving tone before scuttling over to a closet and putting away the things in his bag inside of the closet before scuttling over to the fridge, grabbing a Shroom Shake can and a pack of crackers from it, then closing the fridge door before returning to the living room and sitting down on the couch before turning on the television and setting it to a random channel.
Sighing in relief, ClawgripFan9001 took a sip of his Shroom Shake before grabbing a cracker and feeding it to Bonnet. “Yar, are ye lookin’ forward ta Christmas as much as I am, Bonnet?” The Sidestepper asked the Mini-Necky, who, after nibbling away the cracker, gave an affirmative screech in response.
ClawgripFan9001 smiled and nodded towards his pet. “Aye, glad ta ‘ear that, lad. We’re gonna be ‘angin’ out with me shipmates, Winston an’ Kruncha, just like we did last year. Might be a run-o’-the-mill kinda thing, sure, but I wouldn’t ‘ave it any other way, since they be some o’ the closest mateys I’ve got ever since I washed ashore on Donkey Kong Island with all me memories aside from me name wiped clean from me ‘ead. As much as I would like ta go searchin’ fer me lost memories, I dunno where ta start lookin’.” He admitted to Bonnet with a bleak sigh as his trademark grin ran away from his face, with the Mini-Necky fluttering over to the Sidestepper, landing on his head and gently stroking it to comfort his owner.
We now move on to the city of Rogueport. True to its name, it was a city of sinners, with criminality running rampant twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, even with the long hand of the law from outside the city doing its part to try and keep the streets of the city clean of crime any way they could.
One of the criminals that roamed the shady streets of the city happened to be TryclydeFan1982. He was a three-headed Cobrat wearing a light brown cotton flat cap on each of his heads along with a red and white striped shirt along with a light brown cotton jacket over it.
TryclydeFan1982 had arrived in Rogueport about ten years ago and was quickly accepted into the notorious gang, the Robbo Thieves. Through the years that followed, the Cobrat managed to work his way up the authority ladder within the gang, and in the present day, he served as the gang’s enforcer.
An alarm sounded, and we then see TryclydeFan1982 along with fellow Robbo Thieves members Garf and Gus rushing out the front door of a local bank carrying large bags of Coins that they had stolen from the bank.
“C’mon, TryclydeFan! Step on it! The law might be scarce in this town, but we still can’t afford to slow down and risk getting caught by anyone foolish enough to try and stop us!” Gus shouted at TryclydeFan1982 as the trio continued to rush back towards the Robbo Thieves’ hideout to successfully get away with their heist.
“Ya don’t have to tell me twice, Gus! I’ve done this more than once, so I know what I’m gettin’ myself into!” TryclydeFan1982 snapped back at the Craw in a thick and stereotypical Brooklyn accent.
“He knows that, TryclydeFan! All he’s trying to say is that regardless of how much experience you got sticking up joints, there’s always the chance that it can go awry and you end up getting caught, either by a lawmaker or a civilian foolish enough to try and put you under citizen’s arrest!” Garf explained to the Cobrat as the trio soon made it into their territory, the East Side of Rogueport.
“Maybe, but a thug of my level of skill has ‘bout as much chance of screwin’ up a stick-up as that salami head Bowser successfully enactin’ an evil scheme he manages to formulate in whatever game he ends up bein’ the villain in.” TryclydeFan1982 assured his Craw accomplices, clearly confident in his own abilities compared to them.
There wasn’t much time to continue arguing about the matter though, as they soon made it back to the Robbo Thieves’ hideout safely, quickly shutting the door behind them and giving themselves a moment to catch their breath.
“Ah, you boys made it back safe an’ sound, an’ ya got the loot too! Lemme see, lemme see!” Ishnail, the leader of the Robbo Thieves said in a gleeful manner as TryclydeFan1982, Gus and Garf proceeded to show their boss the loot they managed to make off with as soon as they had caught their breath.
Inspecting the bags filled with Coins, Ishnail hummed in satisfaction. “Oh, this is a bountiful heist alright! Ya did well today, boys! This stuff’s goin’ into our gang’s treasury immediately, an’ then we’ll be usin’ it to further fund our operations ‘round this town!” The gangster told his subjects with a joyful tone of voice.
TryclydeFan1982 and the Craw brothers gave their boss a smile and an affirmative nod in response. “Glad we were able to make ourselves useful for the gang today, boss.” Gus told his boss in a grateful tone of voice.
“Yeah, hope we can continue to make ourselves useful in the future when you’ve got more work for us to take care of.” Garf chimed in with an equally grateful tone of voice.
“I’m just glad to be doin’ my part in strengthenin’ the Robbo Thieves’ influence ‘cross the city of Rogueport, boss. Nothin’ less an’ nothin’ more than that.” TryclydeFan1982 acknowledged as well. “Alright, glad to hear that, boys. But the next step in this phase of our master plan of controllin’ the streets of Rogueport is somethin’ for ‘nother day. For now, we’ve got other things on our hands. Christmas is right ‘round the corner, an’ we gotta plan out what we’re gonna be doin’ durin’ this year’s Robbo Thieves Christmas Party. Anyone of ya got any ideas fer what we should do this year?” Ishnail asked his subjects after explaining the next order of business the gang had at hand.
“We could go down to have dinner at Podley’s Place like we do every year. It might be cliché, but at least it’s affordable for a gang with a Christmas budget like ours.” Garf immediately suggested.
“Nah, no offense to Podley or his wares or anything, but I’m getting kinda sick of having the same old spinach casserole for Christmas dinner each year. I kinda wanna do something else for Christmas this year.” Gus immediately shot down Garf’s idea.
“I agree with Gus on this one. This year, I want some variety in our Christmas celebrations. Gotta think outta the box, y’know?” Ishnail chimed in his agreement with Gus’ statement.
“Well, ain’t Christmas the season of camaraderie an’ all that fancy talk of unification? An’ how enemies usually have a Christmas truce where they temporarily end their fightin’ to get together to celebrate Christmas with one another? Why don’t we do the same thing with the Pianta Syndicate for Christmas this year?” TryclydeFan1982 suggested.
Ishnail clapped his hands together at the Cobrat’s idea. “That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout! TryclydeFan, yer a genius! Furious Frankie might be tough as nails when it comes to fightin’ gang wars, but ‘round the holidays, I’m sure he’ll let ‘is guard down an’ agree to a Christmas truce! Why don’t ya head on over to the west side to propose the matter to ‘im?”
“I’ll see what I can do once things have calmed down from the bank heist, boss.” TryclydeFan1982 nodded in acknowledgement, accepting the task from his boss without reluctance.
“Alright, nice. Let’s sit tight for the time bein’, I’m sure there’s people roamin’ the streets of Rogueport right now that are lookin’ for a couple birds and a three-headed snake.” Ishnail suggested, with TryclydeFan1982, Garf and Gus nodding in agreement as they all proceeded to take a seat and have a rest.
Garf groaned and stretched before turning to look at TryclydeFan1982. “What a day, ain’t it, TryclydeFan?” The Craw asked the Cobrat with a smile.
TryclydeFan1982 nodded in acknowledgement. “Tell me ‘bout it, Garf. Feels like it were only yesterday since I first got to Rogueport on that banana boat from Keelhaul Key after I washed ashore on that island after I went over the side of whatever boat I was sailin’ on before that an’ havin’ all my memories wiped clean from my head ‘sides my name.” The Cobrat reminisced about how he first came to Rogueport back in 2014.
Garf, Gus and Ishnail nodded in agreement. “Ain’t that the truth? I still remember the day you saved me and my bro from getting the old one-two from those pesky Piantas. As a token of our gratitude, we took you to Ishnail, he accepted you into the gang, and look where you are today! You’re now the enforcer of the Robbo Thieves, the very first enforcer in the entire history of the gang, no less!” Gus chimed in as he remembered his first meeting with TryclydeFan1982.
“Yeah. You’ve been the biggest help to the Robbo Thieves since Koopy Shelltoro, TryclydeFan. It’s a shame that Koopy’s had to go into hidin’ after kidnappin’ Furious Frankie’s precious daughter, but I’m sure that he’ll be able to come outta hidin’ sooner or later an’ continue his life of organized crime with the Robbo Thieves. But until then, you’re pretty much the backbone that keeps the gang afloat, an’ we can’t be more thankful for that.” Ishnail gave his thoughts on the matter.
TryclydeFan1982 nodded at the words his boss and colleagues were giving him. “I hear ya, guys. I hear ya. But still, I can’t help but sometimes feel that I should go out there to try an’ find my lost memories an’ figure out what caused me to wash up on Keelhaul Key in the first place, know what I mean?” He pitched in his say on the topic.
“Maybe. Maybe one day, the time’ll be right for ya to go on that journey of self-discovery. Can’t say when that right time’ll emerge, but I do know it’ll emerge at some point, so don’t stop believin’, ya hear?” Ishnail told TryclydeFan1982 with a reassuring smile as he walked over and gave the Cobrat a pat on the back.
TryclydeFan1982 smiled back at his boss and nodded in acknowledgement. “Thanks, boss. I really ‘preciate it.” He said to Ishnail in a grateful tone of voice.
We now conclude our story in the humble settlement of Koopa Village, located in the grassy green plains east of Toad Town in the Mushroom Kingdom. Here, a living ball of fire named FryguyFan1250 lives and works as a published author of a variety of fantasy-themed books. Despite being a living ball of fire, FryguyFan1250 had no issues with entering water, as his flames would harden into a plastic shell whenever he were to be exposed to water, therefore nullifying any possible chances of being doused by the substance.
FryguyFan1250 was currently inside his home in Koopa Village, seated at his writing desk as he was penning a new set of pages for his latest novel using a typewriter that stood on his desk, seeming to prefer an archaic manner of writing his novels. Tapping away at the buttons of his typewriter, the living flame managed to get at least five to ten pages of his new novel finished that day, eventually finishing his work by sundown.
Satisfied with his work, FryguyFan1250 proceeded to neatly tuck the pages he had panned over the course of the day away in his writing desk drawer before getting up from his chair and heading out the door, ready to depart for Toad Town to do his holiday shopping. Upon leaving his home, his next door neighbor, Konnektikoopa, wife of archeologist Professor Kolorado proceeded to notice him heading out the door and gave him a smile as he approached.
“Evening, FryguyFan. Had a busy day today?” Konnektikoopa asked FryguyFan1250 in a kind tone of voice.
“Evening, Mrs. Konnektikoopa. A busy day indeed. Got a bunch of work done of my latest novel over the course of the day, and I was just leaving for Toad Town to go do my holiday shopping, since Christmas is right around the corner.” FryguyFan1250 kindly greeted his neighbor back in the same kind tone of voice.
Konnektikoopa smiled and nodded upon hearing that. “I see, I see. Well, seeing as you live alone, would you perhaps like to come over to spend Christmas Evening with me, my husband and his band of archeologists? The more, the merrier, as I always say.” She offered the living flame.
“Certainly, I would love to. Is there anything you need from Toad Town for Christmas Evening? I could buy it for you when I’m in town.” FryguyFan1250 inquired after happily accepting his neighbor’s offer to join their Christmas celebration.
“Mm, now that you mention it, could you buy a small stock of canned vegetables while you’re out there? Me and my husband are still a bit short on the amount of canned vegetables we need for our Christmas dinner, so it would be a big help if you happened to buy some along the way.” Konnektikoopa requested after thinking it over.
“Certainly, Mrs. Konnektikoopa. I’ll be sure to bring along the canned vegetables as per your request when I happen to get to town. I’ll come knocking on your door as soon as I’ve acquired them and brought them back to Koopa Village.” FryguyFan1250 nodded in understanding.
“Oh, thank you. My husband and I would be very grateful.” Konnektikoopa replied with an eager and grateful tone of voice and smile. FryguyFan1250 smiled back and nodded before heading on his way to Toad Town, ready to go do holiday shopping for himself and his next door neighbors.
As FryguyFan1250 made his way over to Toad Town, he reminisced about how he first arrived in the Mushroom World. Much like his friends ClawgripFan9001 and TryclydeFan1982 that he was separated from in the storm that caused their raft to capsize, FryguyFan1250 lost his memories except for his name after falling unconscious within the rough waters that transported him to the Mushroom World, and eventually washed ashore in Oho Oasis in the Beanbean Kingdom, where he was found by a couple of locals that allowed him to stay with them and rest until he was ready to go on his way. After having rested up, FryguyFan1250 believed himself to be a novelist and then departed for the Mushroom Kingdom, looking for a peaceful settlement to move into and establish himself as a novelist, which is how the living flame came across Koopa Village.
But like his friends that he was separated from, FryguyFan1250 wouldn’t lie that one day, he would like to go search for his lost memories and find out who he really was, and reunite with his friends that he was separated from during his arrival in the Mushroom World. Perhaps one day, the time would be right for the living flame to embark on that journey and recover what was once lost. But that’s a story for another time, as this is where our Christmas story wraps up. I hope you enjoyed hearing this tale of three souls that were all completely different, yet all connected in a strange manner. And with that, I bid you farewell, dear readers.
Thanks for reading this Holiday Special of mine! The foundation for this story goes back a few months, as my fellow Fake News writer and friend, Boo1268 approached me asking me about the backstory of my Mariosona within the community lore so that he could add part of said backstory into his Spectral Lens section for that month, seeing as his section for that month was pirate-themed. And then, a few months later, the idea for this Holiday Special came to mind, having been inspired by the backstory of my Mariosona that I provided Boo1268 with. I might expand on this lore with my Mariosona and his two friends in the future, though that might take a while, seeing as Sport Report: The Movie is still far from over with the section having gone onto a bi-monthly schedule last month. But until then, I leave you with this Holiday Special, and even though I already got the holiday greetings out of the way last month, I’ll say it again: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays in general, and I’ll see y’all again in 2025!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 213 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • End-of-the-Year Awards • Director Election • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
