The 'Shroom:Issue 211/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! The spooky season has come upon us once again, and this year we're going all out for a very special occasion! That's right, this issue marks Anton's 100th issue as the director of Critic Corner! That's a very impressive milestone that not a lot of 'Shroom staffers have reached. Congratulations on the milestone Anton, and thank you for your steadfast leadership of Critic Corner for all these years! Here in the Fake News offices we have scary lighting and nifty costumes provided by TPG, and a whole lot of milk cartons brought in by Ninja Squid! There's so many we're taping them on the walls! What? You think milk cartons aren't very scary? Well, just wait a few days past expiration. You'll see, you'll all see!!!
In the Fake News news this month, Cooking Guide has returned! ClawgripFan9001 and Boo1268 are collaborating once more on the section, and I hear there's even a special guest appearance from Anton himself to celebrate the milestone! Be sure to check it out, it's a fun one! Speaking of a certain Fancy Phantom, Boo1268 is also joining a collaboration with Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents, which is here a month early with a very spooky auction that Luigi's Mansion fans won't want to miss out on. Also, Dry Dry Data by DryBonesBandit (talk) has shifted to a monthly schedule instead of bi-monthly, so you'll be seeing a lot more of that section, which I'm pretty excited about! Finally, we have a couple sections in costume this month. Mushroom Tribune and The Sunshine Travel Guide have been temporarily renamed to DK Island Gazette and The Moonlight Travel Guide to be more fitting for their topics.
If you're interested in joining the Fake News team, please consider sending us an application! Everything you need to get rolling is on our sign up page, or you can send a volunteer submission to me privately if you have a funny idea you want to get in the paper but don't really want to commit to a recurring section. We're not as scary as we look right now, I promise!
Section of the Month
Lots of you showed your support for the final edition of TV Tomorrow by Quizmelon (talk) and gave him one last SOTM win! I miss him already... I should've tried to convince Shoey to offer him a 50% raise. In second place, we have the first edition of Dry Dry Data by DryBonesBandit (talk), uncovering the deceptive nature of the Piranha Plant! Finally, Dear Waluigi Time took third with advice on dealing with the competition, writing for a newspaper, and- hey, wait a minute, I don't remember writing that last part? Weird. It's probably fine, anyway be sure to keep supporting our writers with your SOTM votes and Poochy's Picks nominations, now conveniently linked at the bottom of the page so I don't have to paste the link to the form every month!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | TV Tomorrow | 19 | 38.00% | Quizmelon (talk) |
| 2nd | Dry Dry Data | 9 | 18.00% | DryBonesBandit (talk) |
| 3rd | Dear Waluigi Time | 7 | 14.00% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: DryBonesBandit, OmegaRuby, and Hooded Pitohui
Dear Waluigi Time,
So, it’s the Halloween season, and I wanted to prepare, so I decided to purchase carved pumpkins for decoration. I thought it was fishy that they came from space and a random ghost house, but I didn’t care since they were cheap. Turns out, they were cheap because they were alive, and are now living in my house and I cannot evict them. The Jack o’Goomba keeps setting my house on fire, and the Splunkin keeps replacing the light bulbs with candles and changing the decor! What should I do? -DryBonesBandit
If you can't kick them out, then there's only one option. You gotta turn this situation around by becoming a pumpkin landlord! A landgourd, if you will. No matter what they do, you have to remind them that in your house, you're in charge and you make the rules! If they don't like it, they can hit the road.
So, the first thing you have to do is deal with that pesky Jack o'Goomba by purchasing fire insurance. Now, I'm no insurance salesman - I've always been more of a food and novelty products guy myself - but I'm pretty sure that having a Jack o'Goomba in your home is a huge liability, which means it's going to get expensive. Normally, expensive is bad, but in this case, it's good, because you're going to use your landgourd powers to get that money back, and even more! If these pumpkins want to stay in your house, then they're going to have to pay rent. Naturally, that's going to have to include all landgourd-related expenses, because you can't just let them take up space at a loss to yourself. The rent is going to be at least as much as your monthly fire insurance payments, naturally, but these guys are intruding on your home, so you don't have to do them any favors! You can double it, or even triple it! With all that cash rolling in, the Jack o'Goomba can start as many fires as they want. Maybe.
As for the redecorating issue, I've got you covered. Haunted house tours! Yet another source of income for you, and you don't even have to pay for any of the decorations yourself, so it's all basically free money. It might get annoying having people in your house all the time, but with all that shiny new landgourd money, you can probably afford a second house at some point. You might run into an issue with the Splunkin demanding a cut of the profits or some sort of payment because they were the one who actually got all the decorations, but if that happens, just remind them that you never actually asked them to do that! And threaten to double the rent. That always goes over well.
Also, a word of advice. Don't import snowmen in the next two months, just make your own.
Dear Waluigi Time,
Halloween's just around the corner--funny thing is, Halloween is also my birthday! Really! But I'm stumped on what to do for my party... I like "spooky Halloween" themes, but I also want to sprinkle in some "birthday" theming. Problem is, there aren't any stores that seem to sell "spooky Halloween birthday" themed decorations! At least, that's what the Gold Ghosts haunting my house told me. Anyways, I'm gonna need some advice to make my Halloween-birthday-party-thing have the right balance of spooky fun and celebrating [REDACTED] years being alive (and cursed to having ghosts haunt me every October)! Please get back to me when you can!
Sincerely, a Distressed Birthday Girl
First of all, happy birthday! I hope this piece of advice is enough to get me an invitation to the party. I like free cake. Anyway, this problem is easily solved with a little creativity, possibly stretched into marketing department levels of spin if you want to go that far. Specifically Halloween-themed birthday decorations may be hard to come by, but you can pretty easily find Halloween party streamers, balloons, and the like. If you start with a standard Halloween party, you'll have a good base to work with.
Now, here's where the specifically birthday stuff comes in. The key is coloration! Orange, black, purple, green, even a little red if you use it tastefully, those are all great Halloween colors! They don't have to be meant to be Halloween decorations, but if they fit the vibe, no one's going to notice. Besides, it's your birthday, so it's legally your right to appropriate them however you want. As any certified birthday party planner worth their salt will tell you, the most important parts of any birthday party are cake, party hats, and funny noisemakers! So try to find them in those colors I listed and see what you can do. The cake should be the easiest one since food coloring exists, and frosting, so you can make it look however you want. If you want some extra fun, you can even get some stickers to decorate the party hats with little spooky Halloween guys.
Although... Perhaps you've just identified an unfilled niche, there! Holiday-themed birthdays - yeah, I can see it now, and it wouldn't even have to run all year so you can cut down on expenses and you don't even need to keep everything stocked all year because who's going to have a Halloween-themed birthday party in the middle of April... We can even do something cool for all those kids who get screwed out of presents because they were born too close to Christmas! Oh yeah, it's all coming together. Maybe I should start a new business venture? Hm... I'll have to have some numbers run on that.
Dear Waluigi Time,
I fear there has been a bit of an incident. You see, our laboratory was to play host to a special spooky Halloween celebration teaching children the fundamentals of botany using pumpkins. Unfortunately, the shipment has come in, and... due to a, ahem, clerical error, instead we have received a shipment of live Splunkins! Now, obviously pumpkin carving is right out, but do you have any suggestions for how we might salvage this event?
---- With great urgency, yours truly,
W. P. Hoodington
If I had a nickel for every Splunkin-related emergency I was contacted about, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.
Easy fix, you have Splunkins, and Splunkins are very cool. Consider yourself lucky to have so many of them, the odds of going into a ghost house and actually finding any are stupidly low! And that's not even getting into all the other issues inherent to ghost house exploration! Oh, but you probably already know all of that...
Since pumpkin carving would be highly immoral and is out of the question, you could always give a kid level explanation of the Splunkin! I mean, they're plants, but they're also sentient! Like Piranha Plants, which apparently aren't even plants at all as I just found out last month. So there's got to be something interesting there, preferably without going into all that overcomplicated scientific mumbo jumbo. If I'm being honest with you, that stuff kind of makes my eyes glaze over, so I don't think it would go over very well with the younger crowd.
Of course, talking about Splunkins and then going home would make for a very dull evening, so we're going to liven things up a bit! See, there's this professor that gives lectures about Pokémon over at the local university, and from what I've heard, he gives the students the chance for hands-on experience with them. Sometimes it's kind of icky, but that's beside the point. The point is, we're going to do that at your event by letting the kids get hands-on experience with the Splunkins! It doesn't matter that pumpkin carving is out since you shouldn't give kids knives anyway. Frankly, you shouldn't give any crowd of people knives, because bad stuff usually happens.
To finish things off, give everyone some snacks and show an age appropriate Halloween-themed cartoon or two. And by snacks, I mean fun snacks! Don't try to do, like, apple slices or anything healthy like that. No one wants to be that guy.
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Written by: Boo1268
The Spark of Destruction
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. It's OCTOBER EVERYBODY, and do you know what that means? Ghosts, ghouls, and spooks-a-plenty here on The 'Shroom! Everyone’s getting into the spooky spirit this time of year, and I also have a custom banner now! Courtesy of TPG, it surely is a treat. And speaking of treats, this year, I have a truly terrifying story to tell you, dear readers. So before we begin, let me ask you a question. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to play with unlimited power? To be seen as powerful as a god and abuse the power given to you with seemingly no consequences? Well, the kingdom of Tonitoruumu Regunamu knew this feeling well, but you may more commonly know this kingdom as Crumbleden aka the Ruined Kingdom, and it was their hubris that caused their entire kingdom to be wiped out by the being they worshiped. So what caused this once proud kingdom to become a crumbling shell of its former self? Well, dear readers, let me tell you.
You see, many years ago, the Kingdom of Tonitoruumu was by far one of the most powerful kingdoms to exist at the time. The kingdom had one of the most powerful militaries to exist during the 14th century, and the kingdom’s construction skills were unmatched by any other kingdom at the time, being able to build massive towers in the span of 2-3 months at a time! Now you may be wondering, how exactly did this kingdom become so strong and what was their secret? Well, the answer was lightning. You see, dear readers, the people of Tonitoruumu worshiped a being that could harness the power of magical lightning. This lightning could give them super speed, allowing them to perform tasks much faster than a normal human being, and they could also summon this lightning as a magical attack and use it at will, even implementing this power into their weapons and armor. This power allowed them to become the most powerful kingdom during the 14th century, and it was mainly due to their reliance on their "God", The Lord of Lightning, to grant them this power. The Lord of Lightning, or the Ruined Dragon as it is known nowadays, once lived in harmony with the people of the kingdom, but over many years, as the dragon continued to provide the kingdom with its power, the people of Tonitoruumu slowly became more and more greedy for the dragon’s power, and as the kingdom’s power and influence grew and grew, the less the people of Tonitoruumu saw the power they were given as a gift and the more they saw it as their entitlement.
Soon, the people, seeing themselves as greater than the "God" they worshiped, had become so OBSESSED with this power that they wanted it constantly within them, so they had planned to trap the beast at the Hibana no saidan with copper chains in order to force the beast to supply the people with constant electricity. However, since the copper chains weren’t strong enough to hold the dragon, it escaped, and from that day forward, the dragon was enraged at the people of Tonitoruumu and cursed them with its wrath. From the ancient texts I could find, around 25-55 million people perished from the dragon’s rampage. The king at the time, Barxton Sbalzo the 3rd, declared an all out war against the dragon, eventually culminating in a final battle in the grand tower’s circular plaza, a place once used for merriment and dancing now used for war and chaos. The battle raged on and on, but ultimately it wasn’t enough. The kingdom was destroyed, the battle was lost, and with all the remaining people evacuating Tonitoruumu, the kingdom was left in ruins, the once proud kingdom now being a shadow of its former glory. Many years would pass, and the name Tonitoruumu Regunamu would fade into the pages of history, eventually being known as Crumbleden, aka the Ruined Kingdom.
All would be quiet in the Ruined Kingdom, until one fateful day. Bowser, having once heard legend of a mighty dragon living in the abandoned kingdom next to their newly conquered kingdom, decided to send his forces to investigate this legend and see if it was true. After an intense battle, Bowser, thanks to Kamek’s help, was able to hold down the beast with golden chains and influence the Lord of Lightning to join them in their crusade against Mario. However, after many years of once victorious battles, the dragon had lost against the red capped hero. And so, after the mighty beast’s defeat and after all the battles it had faced in its lifetime, the beast for a while could only respond with two words, “So…Tired…”. Tired of all the pain and imprisonment, tired of all the fighting it had endured over the years, tired of being used. Recently, it has been noted that the Ruined Dragon has left its spot atop the Crumbleden tower with seemingly no signs of it returning, so I can only hope that wherever the Lord of Lightning is now, he can finally rest, and I only wish him well.
And that is where our story ends, my friends. I do hope you enjoy all the TRICKS that you can look forward to on this special ‘Shroom issue, also a whole lot of TREATS because its Anton’s 100th issue here on The ‘Shroom, and his critics and reviews are scarier than any haunted house, I'll tell you what! But for now, as I enjoy some of my Ooky Orange Sorbet, let me say to you, dear readers, always remember that any fool who seeks power for their own self gain will suffer a fate worse than death, so heed this warning, dear readers, or YOU may suffer the same fate as well! MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA! And with that I say: Merci, au revoir and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Written by: ClawgripFan9001, Boo1268, and Anton (talk)
Ahoy, greetings an’ bollocks, ev’rybody! It be ClawgripFan9001, finally comin’ back at ye with a new edition o’ the Cookin’ Guide after a three month hiatus fer self-care! Me sophisticated spectre matey who collaborated with me on me previous Cookin’ Guide, Boo1268 invited me o’er ta ‘is paranormal pad fer a creepy cookin’ class, an’ after a three month hiatus, ye can bet yer boots I couldn’t turn down such an offer, so I packed everythin’ I needed fer a new culinary adventure an’ took off fer Boo1268’s place!
Having arrived at Boo1268’s mansion, ClawgripFan9001 proceeded to scuttle up to the front door before proceeding to use the large door knocker on the front to alert Boo1268 of his arrival.
“Ahoy, Boo1268! It be me, ClawgripFan9001! I be ‘ere fer that cookin’ class ye offered ta me!” ClawgripFan9001 called out, after which the door opened, showing Boo1268 floating in the doorway, wearing his trademark top hat and monocle, however, it was made out of gold this time around, and alongside it, he was adorned with a black spider web cape, making him even more spooky than usual.
“Ah, yes, Clawgrip, my good man! I'm very glad you could make it, my friend! Come in, come in! I'm sure that this cooking class will be very fun for both of us, thank you for wanting to join me!”
“Aye, it was me pleasure ta come o’er, matey! I ‘preciate ye goin’ outta yer way ta take me on another culinary adventure after I took it easy fer the last few months! Now let’s get o’er ta yer kitchen so we can get back into the swing o’ things, aye?” ClawgripFan9001 suggested with a grin as he scuttled inside, after which the front door proceeded to shut itself.
“Yes indeed, let's go now my good man. I'm sure you will be very pleased with my kitchen setup to be truthful. I have this grand kitchen but I don't know how to cook many meals so I rarely use it, so I can't wait to get started!”
Before long, the duo had made it to the kitchen of Boo1268’s mansion, where all the ingredients and tools needed for making their spooky Halloween dish were spread out across the large kitchen island that sat square in the middle of the large kitchen.
“Yar, ye really made some fine preparations fer our cookin’ class, Boo1268! I be impressed!” ClawgripFan9001 grinned as he eyed the ingredients and tools decked out on the kitchen island.
“Well I don't mean to boast, but when you're as dignified as I am you tend to be prepared when it comes to food preparations. Speaking of food, it's time for us to make my famous Boo’s Ooky Orange Sorbet!”
“Aye, Boo’s Ooky Orange Sorbet, ye say? That should be easy enough ta put together! Fer the readers back ‘ome, I ‘ope ye be ready ta take notes, ‘cause I’ll be layin’ out the cookin’ instructions once an’ only once, ye understand?” ClawgripFan9001 spoke, addressing the readers directly now.
“Yes indeed, dear readers of all walks of life. This recipe is sure to be Spine Chilling and that's not just because this recipe is all about ice cream, hehehehe.” Boo1268 cackled at his phantasmal puns.
“Alright, so fer this spooky sorbet, ye be needin’ the followin’ ingredients: A Red Berry, a Yellow Berry, Oranges, Limes, ‘Oney Syrup, an Ice Storm or a Snowman Doll, a pouch o’ Ruin Powder or a Fright Mask, an’ a Bubble Berry.” ClawgripFan9001 began to explain to the readers as he pointed his clawtips at the ingredients he named one by one.
“Alongside that, if you want to make your sorbet extra sour, just substitute limes for lemons, and if you want less sugar in your sorbet, just replace the Honey Syrup with Maple Syrup, but for now, let us proceed with the recipe and take it away, my good man!” Boo1268 pitched in before letting ClawgripFan9001 do his thing.
“Alright, so first thing’s first, ye cut up all the fruits into neat wee quarters, ye pour the ‘Oney Syrup into a cookin’ pot, ye let it simmer fer a good five minutes, then ye throw all the fruits together into a blendin’ beaker, ye add some more ‘Oney Syrup into the blendin’ beaker, then ye blend it all together ‘til it forms a nice liquid. Next, ye pour the liquid into a bowl through a strain, then ye add a tablespoon o’ lime juice from the limes ye cut up, ye stir it up, then ye put it in the refrigerator fer ‘bout an hour.” ClawgripFan9001 continued to explain to the readers as he took the bowl and scuttled over to the refrigerator, with Boo1268 floating over to open the refrigerator door for the Sidestepper, who carefully put the bowl inside before Boo1268 proceeded to shut the refrigerator door again.
“Very good job so far, Clawgrip! I must say, with how well you handled the recipe so far, you may be better at making this than I am! I’m very proud of you!” Boo1268 beamed at his Sidestepper friend’s culinary craft.
“Aye, it be me pleasure, Boo1268. But ye can’t gimme all the credit, it was ye who made all o’ this possible in the first place, so ye deserve some praise in all o’ this as well.” ClawgripFan9001 told Boo1268 with a grin.
Boo1268 proceeded to blush at that. “Oh please, it’s nothing. It's just that unlike many other Boos, I tend to be more involved with the happenings around New Wikisburg, and I figured what better way to spend some quality time with friends than making a spooky good dish?! Oh, speaking of ‘witch’, the sorbet mix will take a while to refrigerate, so why don’t we play a few rounds of pool while we wait?” The Fancy Phantom suggested to the Sidestepper.
“Aye, sounds like a plan ta me, lad. Let’s get goin’.” ClawgripFan9001 nodded as he followed Boo1268 to the billiards room.
“You know, they used to call me Bank Shot Boo back in the day.” Boo1268 told ClawgripFan9001 as his voice proceeded to trail off. They remained in the billiards room for about an hour before returning to the kitchen to take the now refrigerated liquid out of the refrigerator.
“Alright, me an’ Boo1268 be back, all refreshed, ready ta carry on the remainder o’ the cookin’ instructions. So, now that the liquid be nice an’ cold from ‘avin’ sat in the refrigerator fer an hour, it be time ta put everythin’ into an ice maker an’ churn it ‘till it be nice an’ thick. Then, ye freeze it fer ‘bout four hours, an’ after that, it should be ready ta serve.” ClawgripFan9001 explained as he churned the fruity liquid in the ice maker before scuttling over to the freezer, which Boo1268 once again proceeded to open for the Sidestepper to put the thick fruity substance inside, in which the Sidestepper did before the Fancy Phantom proceeded to shut the freezer again. A few hours later, the two of them proceeded to take the now frozen liquid out of the freezer and serve their spooky sorbet in a couple of glasses.
“Ohhh, look at that! All perfectly orange, nice, fresh and cold! Just how I like it! Now let's not waste time, my good man, let's get down to eating!” Boo1268 beamed as he pulled out a big spoon, ready to dig into the sorbet.
“Aye, sounds like a plan ta me, laddie! Let’s eat this thing!” ClawgripFan9001 agreed as he also pulled out a big spoon and proceeded to dig into the sorbet, humming in delight at the taste of it. “Yar, that be some good sorbet, lad. Thanks fer invitin’ me ta make this dish.” He told Boo1268 with a grin.
“Why, of course, my friend! It's always a pleasure to join you on these Cooking Guides, and I'm glad to share some Spooky Sorbet with you! Speaking of which, there appears to be some sorbet left and, well, I don't know about you, but I'm stuffed! What should we do with the rest? Should we give it to someone and if so, who?”
“Yar, I dunno. Wish we ‘ad a food critic in ‘ere or somethin’ ta give their thoughts on our dish…” ClawgripFan9001 pondered out loud before a Magikoopa proceeded to spawn inside the kitchen, floating in the air. It was Anton von Magikoopa, famed New Wikisburg food critic!
“Oh well, this is a surprise!”
“Heya peeps, didn’t even need a pentagram to summon me here, I heard from miles away that there was food being highly praised with no critical statements uttered whatsoever and my skin tingled and KNEW I had to come here to see for myself!” Anton drifted over to the table, “Spooky Sorbet, you say? That sounds very #45 on a ThePioneerWoman.com listicle of ‘50 Halloween Recipes To Die For’, so I guess I need to decide who’s going to die for this.” Anton pulls a suspiciously sharp spoon out of his pocket and starts pointing it around. “Mmmmm..you?”
“Yar, Anton! Ye came at the perfect time, sir! We did need a food critic ta judge our leftover sorbet!” ClawgripFan9001 beamed as Anton appeared inside the kitchen.
“Indeed, we would like to get another person's opinion on it, and since you're here, you would be the perfect choice! So here, have a taste of our Terrifying treat!”
“You are correct in that this is terrifying, it seems to be yet another seasonal themed flavor that’s just a rendition of tutti-frutti fruit punch, mish mash of fruits and berries with only simplicity and crowd-pleasing as the goals in mind. I see, I SEE what you’re going for with the Ruin Powder, but it’s like calling something ‘pumpkin spice’ and only having it taste like cinnamon; it’s just not enough. Don’t get me wrong, it tastes alright, it tastes good! But for something spooky-themed it needs to have some more pizzazz. No, not pizza, PIZZAZZ! Drizzled with some bloody strawberry syrup, some eyeball candies, toss in a few spiders–sourced locally for that earthy flavor, but store bought is fine.”
“Well my friend, thank you so very much for your insight. We really appreciate it! I'll make sure to add that to our recipe! Any other suggestions while you're at it?”
“Yar, I think that the suggestions Anton’s offered so far be more than enough fer the time bein’, Boo1268. We be runnin’ a bit low on time ‘ere, so I be ‘fraid we’re goin’ ta ‘ave ta wrap things up ‘ere. Anton, thank ye so much fer yer insight on our Halloween dish, an’ Boo1268, thank ye so much fer makin’ all o’ this possible.” ClawgripFan9001 thanked both of the gentlemen in the room with him for all their efforts.
“I always enjoy free food! Hope I wasn’t too scary!” Anton reaches into his pocket to pull out a handful of Chex Mix and tosses it on the ground, releasing a dust cloud of crumbs as he vanishes, cackles echoing.
“Ah yes, of course, my friend! It's always a pleasure to make meals with you, my friend, and thank you, Anton for joining us! It's always a pleasure to have you around, and I hope we can do this again sometime! This was FRIGHTFULLY Fun!”
“Yar, an’ with that, we’ve come ta the end o’ the Cookin’ Guide Halloween special! I be ClawgripFan9001, an’ I wish ye a spooky good night on the thirty-first o’ October!” ClawgripFan9001 parted with a wave to the readers.
“Farewell, dear readers. Merci, au revoir.” Boo1268 replied as he removed his top hat and bowed.
Aye, ‘ere’s all the necessities fer creatin’ Boo’s Ooky Orange Sorbet!
Ingredients
- A Red Berry
- A Yellow Berry
- Oranges
- Limes
- Lemons (optional)
- Honey Syrup
- Maple Syrup (optional)
- Ice Storm or Snowman Doll
- Ruin Powder or Fright Mask
- Bubble Berry
- Strawberry Syrup (For a bloody effect)
- Eyeball Candies
- Spiders (Sourced locally is recommended for a more earthy flavor, but store bought works too)
Appliances
- A sharp knife
- A cooking pot
- A blending beaker
- A strain
- A refrigerator
- An ice maker
- A freezer
- Sorbet glasses
Instructions
- Cut up all the fruits into neat wee quarters.
- Pour the ‘Oney Syrup/Maple Syrup into a cookin’ pot an’ let it simmer fer a good five minutes.
- Throw all the fruits together into a blendin’ beaker, then blend it all together ‘til it forms a nice liquid.
- Pour the liquid into a bowl through a strain, then add a tablespoon o’ lime/lemon juice from the limes/lemons ye cut up, an’ put the liquid in the refrigerator fer ‘bout an hour.
- Take the liquid outta the refrigerator, pour everythin’ into an ice maker, then churn it ‘til it be ‘avin’ a nice thickness ta it.
- Put the liquid in the freezer ta let it freeze fer ‘bout four hours.
- Take the now frozen sorbet outta the freezer, put it in sorbet glasses, top it with strawberry syrup, eyeball candies an’ spiders fer a more refined ‘Alloween experience, an’ ye should be ready ta serve.
An’ there ye ‘ave it! A spookily good ‘Alloween dish ta serve at yer parties on the thirty-first night o’ October! Special thanks go ta Boo1268, fer makin’ this entire section possible t’day, an’ also ta Anton von Magikoopa fer givin’ ‘is trademark culinary insight! Congratulations on yer one-’undred issue run as Critic Corner Director, Anton, an’ may ye go on ta be Critic Corner Director fer a ‘undred more! I be ClawgripFan9001, an’ this ‘as been Cookin’ Guide fer October!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
Hello, readers. Welcome to the second issue of the new section in the ‘S room, Dry Dry Data. It’s me, DryBonesB ndit here trap ed in my own basement, hoping to get a chance to write everything out for Issue 211 and get out alive, as well as hopefully use a spell check on the way. If you are wondering what happened, then read below. Just a quick announcement, my section is now monthly instead of bi-monthly, so if I survive this, I will be able to write more sections.
Today, by circumstance, I will be researching the Boo (ghostus mostus). I was su posed to go on a trip to Isle Delfino to research the Swipin’ Stu, but the below events are preventing me from doing so. Without further ado, let’s go.
The Adventure
On September 1st, I spun a wheel, which landed on the Swipin’ Stu. I announced what my next subject would be publicly, and I received a creepy call from an regal-sounding odd fellow with a deep voice. “So, ou aren’t doing your next study on the Boo?” They hung up after my response. As I was packing that night, I heard a strange sound coming from t e doors and windows. When I investig ted, they were locked. Sudden y, the lights turned off as we l. I headed d wn into my basement to turn the lights back on when I felt something tap me on the shoulder. I turned around, only to catch a glimpse of a ghostly white figure as it hid itself from vie . Determined not to care, I continued my descent down into my basement as the staircase banister brok off. I tripped and hit my head on the floor.
When I woke up, the basement door was locked. Many of my possessions began to float, and I noticed my Light Box was among th m. Quickly snatching it, I put it on and turned on the power, discovering that many a Boo were the cause of my trouble. Realizing my deadline was the next day, I scrambled to finish my report, having to do it on the Boo as they were the only things arou d. My Light Box is running out of power, though. I don’t know how much longer I can keep typing on my basement computer until it runs out. Below is my study, which I made sure to type out first and my Light Box just ra
The Analysis
I feel like I’m being forced to do this, but I have a deadline, so…
Appearance
Boos are white, floating spheres with two stubby arms and a short tail. They all have large mouths with long tongues and a W-shaped unibrow, but they have varying eye shapes and tooth counts. They have the ability to go invisible as they wish.
Behavior
Today I have been made very aware that they are quite sentient and destructive. They tend to be on the shy side, however, if stared at. If you have no actual eyes, however, it’s a bit difficult to make them back off that way. They tend to stick to groups and play pranks on people (or in my case, try to threaten them or something), and they always fly. They prefer the dark.
Weaknesses
As I’ve mentioned already, they have quite the shy side, so they will be scared if you happen to both have eyes and look at them in the face. They also have a fear of light, as they are easily evaporated by it. A good light source should keep you safe for a bit, like a Light Box, as long as you remembered to charge it yesterday and did not procrastinate until what should have been next wednesday.
Please note that none of these tips are meant to be used on fellow writer Boo1268.
The End
Editor’s note
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but scattered throughout the opener and adventure are missing letters which form a phrase for you to figure out! Also, the section is in fact monthly now, so I’ll see you next issue, and don’t forget to send me your suggestions and requests!
DK Island Gazette
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article is sourced from the DK Island Gazette, a bimonthly report on Donkey Kong Island which The 'Shroom has obtained by way of exclusive agreement.
Bluster Barrelworks Seized in Crackdown
Bluster Barrelworks, chief producer and exporter of barrels on DK Island, was formally seized by Kong officials on Friday by order of Cranky Kong acting on orders from DK Isle Chief Donkey Kong. Employees arriving at the factory on Friday morning encountered a barricade of Spiny porcupines and were informed by the official on the scene, Diddy Kong, that operations at the building would be suspended until further notice. Witnesses report that Bluster Kong, acting COO by appointment of his mother, arrived on the scene a half hour after the scheduled start of the work day and began a verbal altercation with Diddy Kong after being denied access to the building.
Shortly thereafter, Cranky Kong spoke to the press, announcing the seizure of Bluster Barrelworks and elaborating on the rationale behind the move. Cranky Kong justified the seizure as an effort to strengthen the security of DK Island by seizing the assets of any company, organization, or persons found to collaborate with or to otherwise aid hostile forces, claiming that an extensive investigation connected the wood used in the so-called Kong Barrels, used by Kremlings and other invading forces to trap figures such as Diddy Kong and Dixie Kong, to the Bluster Barrelworks. Cranky Kong went on to claim that the wood used in the Kong Barrels "exactly matched" the wood used in Bluster Kong Barrelworks products, further pointing out that testimony from Rattly the Rattlesnake confirms there is no domestic barrel factory on Crocodile Isle, and that the Kong Barrels must therefore be produced on DK Island itself.
Cranky Kong went on to assure residents that there will be no disruptions to orders for Barrelworks products such as TNT Barrels and Rocket Barrels, saying that operations at the Barrelworks will resume in short order and all non-management employees will be retained as the company reorganizes under government management.
The DK Island Gazette subsequently reached out to Bluster Kong, but was directed to speak to his legal counsel, Parry the Paralegal Bird. When asked for comment, Parry had this to say:
Bluster Kong and his family are deeply disappointed by this blatantly illegal act undertaken by our island Chief. Through a sham witch-hunt investigation which was wrongfully kept from the public until it could manufacture a claim on which to base this seizure, Bluster Barrelworks has been wrongfully accused of aiding hostile forces despite an unwavering record of supporting DK Island with its products. It's clear to everyone that this farce is merely a distraction from the real security issue plaguing DK Island - Donkey Kong himself. This is nothing more than Donkey Kong trying to distract the public from his repeated failures to protect the Banana Hoard by using the Barrelworks as a scapegoat so he can pretend he has done anything to strengthen the island's security. It is theater, it is immoral, it is illegal, and Bluster Kong and family will be asserting their legal rights by bringing this decision before Cranky Kong for judicial review.
With a protracted legal battle likely to ensue, we turn to retired Northern Kremisphere lawyer, Hood Swoopihui, and professor of law at Kong Kollege, Shoe Kong, Esq.
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I have never in my career seen a more flagrant violation of due process on so weak a grounds. This seizure is unconscionable, unreasonable, and unjustified, and, mark my words, Bluster Kong and his family will rightfully be restored as owners of the Barrelworks by the time this case ends. I am frankly baffled that Donkey Kong proceeded with this seizure on such a flimsy justification of matching wood samples. Bluster Kong is being accused of a serious crime, but do we truly know beyond a reasonable doubt that the Barrelworks deliberately cooperated with the Kremlings, Snowmads, and other hostile forces? Can we be certain these groups did not find a Barrelworks-produced barrel, which are extremely abundant on the island, and modify it to create these Kong Barrels? Should a company be held responsible for end-users modifying its products in completely unintended ways? Should a company be responsible for an end-user's misuse of its products? No, no company can monitor the behaviors of all who get their hands on its products and enforce certain behaviors, nor should we desire such a scenario! Imagine the world in which Minecart manufacturers tell Mole Miner Max and his crew they aren't allowed to run their carts on any non-proprietary tracks because third-party tracks might be used in a Kremling invasion. It's lunacy, is what it is! This is a classic case of government overreach and erosion of private rights veiled behind claims of "island security"! I have no doubt Cranky Kong will see this seizure for what it is, a weak case built as part of Donkey Kong's mere security theater that could set a dangerous precedent, and I trust Bluster Kong and family will be made whole by regaining ownership of the Barrelworks. |
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Having studied the underlying facts of the case, I believe that Cranky Kong, acting on behalf of Donkey Kong, was more than justified in seizing the Bluster Barrelworks, and quite honestly I'm a little surprised that even a bleeding heart like Hood Swoopihui would disagree. Swoopihui claims the case is "circumstantial" and that the seizure of Bluster Barrelworks is both premature and overreaching, but I say to argue that is to express an astounding level of naivety. Let's look at the facts of the case. For years, King K. Rool has managed to acquire barrels that he has used to stuff away the heroes of the island, preventing them from aiding Donkey Kong in his quest to liberate both the Banana Hoard and the island itself! In the past, this could be easily explained. After all, Crocodile Isle is a closed-off country with only a few small cultural schools the Kongs were allowed to operate out of King K. Rool's "goodwill", so the existence of these barrels could be easily explained by King K. Rool operating his own barrel factory, potentially even using designs stolen from Bluster Kong. But suspicion started to grow after the successful liberation of Donkey Kong during Diddy's Kong Quest after both Diddy and Dixie, who had explored more of Crocodile Isle than any other Kong, reported that there was no evidence of a domestic barrel-producing barrel factory. Even then, you could claim they didn't explore every nook and cranny of the island; I'm sure King K. Rool kept certain military manufacturing areas hidden. But now we've got direct confirmation from Rattly the Rattlesnake, a former ranking member of the Kremling Krew, that there never has been a domestic barrel-making factory on Crocodile Isle. Yet somehow King K. Rool managed to acquire hundreds, if not thousands, of barrels! The nearest barrel factory is hundreds of miles away on the mainland, yet we're supposed to believe that somehow King K. Rool was able to transport barrels from the mainland without being seen? Ludicrous! Then, let's get to examine the other fact of this case. The wood used in Bluster's Barrelworks is an 80% match with the DK Barrels. It's clear to me that Bluster has been playing both sides, slightly altering his barrels in an attempt to ward off suspicion! Parry the Paralegal Bird, aided by fellow lawyer bird Hood Swoopihui, have argued that this is all a misunderstanding, that the barrels haven't been produced for King K. Rool. Rather, they argue, they're barrels either found or stolen! Hood has even argued that to punish Bluster Kong for this is akin to punishing a Minecart manufacture for allowing their customers to use third-party lines on the off chance they could be used in a Kremling invasion, to which I say, yes, they should be punished if they're loading up their Minecarts full of supplies for the Kremlings to use! |
Written by: Legend 8
Episode 11: The Nightmare Before Halloween
It is dark outside, and a full moon is shining its pale light upon the stone theater behind Pyrokles the Magikoopa's castle, on this chilly October night. Right in the middle of the crowded seat rows, in the center of the theater, stands the castle's owner, wearing a dragon mask and wings strapped across his back, and as always by his side is his talking, burning skull companion, Kroop. The entire audience is wearing Halloween costumes and the theater and the castle are decorated with pumpkins, skulls and cobwebs.
Pyro: Hello, a wonderful spooky evening to y'all and welcome to the Sorcery Show!
Kroop: What a beautiful evening to dress up as a skeleton, right?
Pyro: Halloween is approaching, and I decided to celebrate it a bit earlier this time! I've prepared some horrible stuff for you, so let's get going!
The Explainer, a spectral voice who likes to explain things, manifests as a glitched-out spot of reality next to Pyro.
I think you meant to say "horrific", didn't you? If you want, I can explain the meaning of "horribl-
Pyro: No, thank you, Explainer. Ehm, yeah, exactly. Horrific, horrible... such a minor detail can easily be forgotten! However, this show... will be UNFORGETTABLE!!!
Kroop: Yeah, let the spookiness begin! It's time for... the talking pumpkins!
The crowd applauds, but suddenly, one person stands up to speak. It's a stranger with a fine black suit and a hood pulled deep into his face, although his huge moustache still pokes out from beneath it. He raises his hand, commanding for silence, and then starts to talk in a raspy, hollow voice.
???: I don't think so.
Pyro: What?
???: Let me introduce myself: I am Mr. Hell O'Ween, professional retirement manager for supernatural joke characters. I have come to...
Kroop: What? Your first name is actually HELL??
Pyro: D-did you just call us JOKE CHARACTERS?!
Mr. O'Ween: Yes and yes. You are crazy and also pretty much ancient, so, we are offering you a free retirement. You don't have a choice.
Pyro: But what if I don't want to retire and what if you just INTERRUPTED MY SHOW?!
Mr. O'Ween: Well, then I'm afraid I'll have to end this show right here and take you with me.
Kroop: Oh, no you won't! You're nothing against Pyro's antilogical powers! I'd flee now if I were you...
Mr. O'Ween: Oh, no need for these dramatics, please. This is just a peaceful offer, that's all. What this offer could become, on the other hand... is entirely up to you.
Pyro: That's enough! I'm going to blast you outta here if you don't leave within the next 5.3682 seconds!!
Mr. O'Ween: I'd like to see you try, but I'm afraid I haven't got enough time for a proper...
Pyro morphs into a gigantic boxing glove and smacks directly into Mister O'Ween's face - but he flies right through! Shocked, he turns back into his normal self.
Pyro: Whaaaaaaaa.....
Kroop: Why the HELL didn't that work?!
Mr. O'Ween: Hey, skull. I don't think I permitted you to call me by my first na-
Pyro: I think we should go somewhere else where we won't endanger my audience... Sorry guys, the show's over for today!
Pyro teleports himself, Kroop and his enemy out of the theater into a big city, then creates a few blazing meteors out of thin air and blasts them towards the ominous manager - again, without any effect.
Mr. O'Ween: Oh, did I forget to mention that your precious little magic is absolutely useless against me?
Pyro: It's. Not. MAGIC!!!!!! RAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Pyro, no!!! This won't do anything!!!
Pyro levitates up into the air with flaming eyes and creates a gigantic ball of fire above his head.
Mr. O'Ween: Bring it on. Come on, do your worst! Your oh-so-powerful tricks mean nothing to me.
Pyro: THEY might not... But you aren't immortal by physical means, are you?
The fiery orb implodes to reveal the greatest horror of them all: a piece of rotten, stinky cheese. Pyro falls to the ground, trying to get away from the cheese as quickly as possible. Then, he points a shaking finger at the smelly piece of doom.
Pyro: I-I don't think you'll stand much of a chance... against a full-grown catastrophe!!
He blasts a bolt of pure antilogical energy directly at the cheese, where the power is magnified and reflected within the cheese holes, and then causes the cheese to glow brightly, to melt and expand, as Mister O'Ween watches in horror.
Kroop: Pyro, stop! W-why did you do this?!
I actually don't have any kind of realistic explanation for this question...
The cheese is blasted apart from the inside by the force of its supercharged molten interior, which spreads in a huge sticky tsunami while the universe plays a cosmic DUN DUN DUNNNN sound effect. The flood of sickly yellow crashes against buildings and cars, flinging them through the air and entangling everything in slimy strings of pure Disgusting. But, the manager stands tall as the flood barrels right through him, the gust of air pushing aside his hood to reveal an extremely ugly pumpkin face, while Pyro sinks to the ground, dizzied by the smell.
Mr. O'Ween: Hahaha... Did you really think this would be enough to defeat me? Logic always wins in the end! There's nothing your spells can do to me, nothing! I guess I can explain my plans now, too - you haven't got a single glimmer of hope left.
Kroop: What plans? What do you want to do to us!?
Mr. O'Ween: Oh, I'm actually not a retirement manager... I'm an evil logical being who tries to take control of the world - and also, much more successful at it than this lunatic here. That's why I need an army of monsters, spirits and magic-users, like you are, whom I then tell that I am a retirement manager to capture and brainwash them. Genius, right?
Pyro: I-it's not magic...
Mr. O'Ween: Oh, I knoooooow, of course your precious little powers are not magic... But you know what, once I have brainwashed you it won't make any difference!
Pyro: It's not magic...
Mr. O'Ween: Yes yes, I know. Now would you please hold still while I hypnotize you?
He takes out an old pendulum and swings it around in front of Pyro's eyes.
Kroop: Pyro! No!
Oh no, he's trying to hypnotize him! Do you know what that is? I could explain it if you...
Kroop: Now's not the time, Explainer!
They approach Pyro and Mister O'Ween.
Pyro: It's not magic!...
Mr. O'Ween: You sound like a broken disk! I think it really is time for you to retire. Now, look at the pendulum...
Pyro: It's not anti-logic...
What?!
Pyro: It's not anti-logic...
Kroop: What the hell? Pyro, snap out of it!!
Mr. O'Ween: Still haven't permitted you to use my first name.
Pyro: It's not anti-logic...
Mr. O'Ween: Yesss... It's working!!!
Kroop: Pyro, stop it! You don't sound like yourself anymore!!
Pyro: What? It's not anti-logic, that building about to fall right on top of Mr. O'Ween, or is it?
Pyro points towards a skyscraper that is dangerously leaning towards the evil Mr. O'Ween, who looks up in shock, realising it is too late to run away.
Mr. O'Ween: Gahhhh! What... I-I... But... Pyro!!!! This time you might have won, but I will come back! And then I will take you into a retirement home, where you belong!!! I am immort-
The building crashes on top of the evil pumpkin manager while Pyro and Kroop teleport out of its range.
I'm so glad he didn't actually hypnotize you! Let me explain what might have happen...
Kroop: Yeah, now at least that's taken care of. What a strange person... But what do we do with all that cheese? That was such a STUPID idea!!!
Pyro is still a little green in his face as he looks around at the cheese clotted city.
Pyro: But what counts is that it DID work... Nooooow, that cheese IS a problem, so we'll have to solve that until next time. And no I'm NOT going to try making it vanish using some spell. I've learned from my mistakes!
Kroop: I bet you have...
Overlook Mountain Auction House Presents
Written by: The Shoe (talk) and Time (talk) Advertising Conglomerate in collaboration with Boo1268
The Moonlight Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Gloomy Manor: Oooh, Spooooky!
Welcome once again, avid readers, to The Revenge Of The Moonlight Travel Guide! Long-time readers may recall back in October last year (a whole year! I feel old.) the time I covered Luigi's Mansion in a special issue called The Moonlight Travel Guide. Well, the spooky times are rollin' around again and it seemed fitting to cover another haunted mansion. This time, we will be looking at the renowned Gloomy Manor, winner of The Slightly Unpleasant Mansion Award 3 times since 2011. Now without further ado, let's dive in to Gloomy Manor.
History
Gloomy Manor was once the home to an aristocrat named Baron Gloomy VI, who lived there with his wife and 26 children. Poor man. While holding a party at his house, he was mysteriously murdered. Fortunately, famed detective Shroomlock deduced the culprit was the Goomba with the Fire Flower in the Bedroom. However, things began to get confusing when they realised the murderer had been dead for 600 years.
Archaeologists discovered Gloomy Manor had been constructed on a cursed Shy Guy burial ground, determining that the house must be infested with ghosts, (but for some reason no Ghost Guys?) and deemed it cursed.
King Toadstool III was planning to tear the building down until he discovered the ghosts were actually pretty chill, and liked to hang out around the house. He granted the ghosts ownership of the manor and any other spooky locations they happened to find, so long as they didn't harm anyone.
However, many centuries later, power-hungry dictator King Boo destroyed the Dark Moon, an artefact that kept the ghosts pacified, in one of his ploys to force every ghost to do his will. Fortunately, the courageous hero Luigi charged in willingly and without hesitation to defeat the evil king and restore the Dark Moon, driving King Boo away totally forever.
Attractions
Gloomy Manor is filled with all sorts of rooms and objects to appeal to many tastes. For example, the library has many exclusive books and a piano that once belonged to Amadeus Wolfgeist. There's also a garage where you can take cars on a joyride, an aquarium, and a kitchen.
The downside of staying at Gloomy Manor is the fact that it might not feel like much of a vacation. Since the house is just a house, it doesn't fly, or talk, or turn into a beach, it will probably just feel like staying in a really big house. Fortunately, this small issue is remedied by the ghosts!
The ghosts who live in Gloomy Manor are friendly, easygoing, and carefree. They like to pull pranks and chill out with guests. Make friends with the ghosts, and this trip will be unforgettable. I won a team Super Smash Boos tournament with this ghost named Gary, I swum in the aquarium with a ghost named Larry, and I had a movie marathon with a ghost called Bary.
Practical Advice
To avoid lawsuits, we added this brand new section to The Sunshine Travel Guide! This section gives you information to let you know how to travel to the destination, the upcoming weather schedule, and what food will be served.
Travel
The recently established Boogaloo Airlines, run entirely by Boos, is the only airline offering trips to Gloomy Manor. This may have something to do with the fact that there is no airport at Gloomy Manor, causing many crash landings. Boos don't have to worry about damaging their planes because they can just turn them incorporeal right before hitting the ground. Passengers aren't so lucky. Personally, I hurtled towards the roof at high speeds before crashing through multiple floors and landing in the lobby.
Weather
Somehow, it's always an overcast midnight at Gloomy Manor, so there really isn't much to report.
Food
Gloomy Manor contains a kitchen with an endless stockpile of ingredients, meaning you can cook whatever you want. However, if you're not a cooking aficionado, you can ask the ghost of a French Chef to make something for you. Only problem, it must contain a pun in the name. I managed to get Spookghetti and Meatboos, Ice Scream, and Booberry Pie.
Souvenirs
Some ghost opened up a small souvenir stall, offering a few things. Here's what I got.
| Teddy Boo | ||
|---|---|---|
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This Boo plushie is cheap but high quality, containing only the finest materials! Come to think of it, it kinda looks like a friend of mine. | |
| PRICE: | 5 coins | |
| Totally Real Gemstone | ||
|---|---|---|
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This gemstone is completely authentic and totally not fake. I'm not salty and trying to get people to buy this because I'm upset that I fell for the obviously fake jewel. | |
| PRICE: | 10 coins | |
Conclusion
Welp, I guess that wraps up today's issue. I don't really have any witty commentary to put here, or worthwhile dialogue, so I guess I'll just give you the usual. Remember, to suggest a location, all you have to do is contact me on the forums (Also vote on the poll I put up on The Sunshine Travel Guide thread!). Anyway, that's that. I'll see you next month!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 211 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Poochy's Picks • Credits |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
| Specials | The 'Shroom Staff-Baked Reviews |
