The 'Shroom:Issue 214/Fake News
Director's Notes
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Hello there, Fake News readers! I had a weird dream that my dog ripped up my 'Shroom section and I had to go into the dungeons to find the missing pages. Also, everyone was trying to kill me for not having my section finished yet! Weird, huh?
Well, the announcements this month aren't as eventful as that, because there really aren't any! It's business as usual here, with new editions of all of your favorite sections ready to read. Whether you want to bake a New Year's treat with ClawgripFan9001, learn about Yoshi's Island flora with DryBonesBandit (talk) or the history of a unique Super Mario Odyssey location with Boo1268, see how Pyro and Kroop's escapades in the Christmas dimension unfold in The Sorcery Show, watch Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk) argue about bridges or examine skeletal fish, or travel to newly-discovered lands with TheBlueCatMenace, we've got you covered!
If you'd like to join this team of very cool and creative people, we're always happy to have you with us! Just check our sign up page for details on how to apply, or, if you'd like to write a volunteer one-off section like News Flush, you can just send that privately to me with no application necessary. We won't make you go through any dungeons, I promise!
Section of the Month
Our winner by a wide margin this month is once again The Sunshine Travel Guide! Looks like TheBlueCatMenace's coverage of the Party Resort was enough reason for our voters to have a jamboree. Coming in second, we have Dear Waluigi Time with advice on Christmas gifts, retcons, and endless forum games, and finally, Police Blotter regarding a notorious Spike with many names took third place. Thank you for supporting all of our writers, and be sure to keep voting!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | The Sunshine Travel Guide | 23 | 46.94% | TheBlueCatMenace |
| 2nd | Dear Waluigi Time | 7 | 14.29% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
| 3rd | Police Blotter | 5 | 10.20% | Waluigi Time (talk) |
Dear Waluigi Time
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Questions submitted by: Ludwig von Koopa, Roserade, and TheBlueCatMenace
Dear Waluigi Time, me and Bowser Jr. and the Koopalings and the rest of Bowser's minions are feeling a bit down. We feel like failures because we can never beat the Mario Bros. and Bowser sees us as failures and always yells at us when we mess up. How can we improve so that we can be more efficient as villains and make him proud and FINALLY defeat those annoying plumbers? Sincerely, Ludwig von Koopa.
P.S. Also we need a weapons-tech expert so we can come up with a devastating weapon that can destroy the Mario Bros. as quickly as possible like an explosive detonator-tipped Bullet Bill or something. None of us is smart or skilled enough to build something like that on our own.
I don't know if I'm allowed to answer this question, but I'm going to do it anyway. Probably can't go with the "I stepped away and someone wrote something that I didn't notice" excuse considering I'm not only responsible for this section but also this whole portion of the paper... Oh well! Consider yourself lucky, Mr. Piano Player.
So here's the big thing. You know that whole battle strategy you guys always seem to have of continually exposing your weakness? Yeah, don't do that. And for pete's sake, if you're only vulnerable after using a specific attack, stop using that attack! It's not rocket science, you get knocked in the face once and that should be your cue to realize you probably shouldn't keep doing that until you end up losing. Even Bowser does this, so really he has no reason to complain. Stop filling your arena with explosives that you're not even going to use or fighting Mario over bridges that conveniently have a nearby destroy button that you're also not going to use. Really, I could fill this entire section with a list of things you guys shouldn't have done.
Also, it's been how many years and you're still losing to the guy whose main combat strategy is jumping on people's heads? I mean, sure, it seems like he's always finding new power-ups or getting some other ability, but you still haven't adapted to the oldest tools in his arsenal at all! As a starter, a spiky helmet and some fireproof armor would go a long way. Or maybe you guys should just give up and consider a new career path. That might be better for everyone involved.
As for a weapons-tech expert, that'll definitely get me into hot water so I'm not going to do that! Besides, it would probably just backfire on you anyway. Need I remind you of the Boomsday Machine?
Dear Waluigi Time,
I've been struggling with my job recently. I'm expected to find perpetrators responsible for time anomalies, but I haven't been able to locate any of them! Would you happen to know anyone who's been messing with the chronological fabric of our world?
-TC Officer 27
I can confirm that there are no time anomalies in New Wikisburg, at all. You can trust me, I'm Waluigi Time, I have a sixth sense about these things. So the first thing you should do is don't bother looking for any time anomalies here. Ignore what that one blonde lady says, I think she's a little kooky and you should probably get the higher-ups to fire her and confiscate all of her time enforcement gear or whatever it is.
Actually, are you even sure that there's even such a thing as time anomalies? I've definitely never seen one. How would someone mess with time? That's like saying you can mess with space, which is just silly. And I don't mean like physical space or outer space, just the very concept of space. Totally impossible! Not that I'm a scientist, but you know, it's just common sense. Probably.
And, you know, even if there are time anomalies, so what? I think that's kind of cool. Day-to-day life can be so mundane sometimes, why not spice it up with a little non-linear progression of time every once in a while? Not that you can. Or that I do. Or that I would advocate for such a thing. I'm just throwing out hypotheticals here.
Seriously, don't come here! You're wasting your time.
Dear Waluigi Time,
So, uh, I have a problem. Well, obviously I do, otherwise I wouldn't be asking for help. So there's these two guys who I fired from The Sunshine Travel Agency, one called Bar D. Jokue and the other called Guy. Apparently they have grown bitter with time, and are seeking vengeance against me (they said so in a monologue). I was wondering if you knew how to deal with bitter guys who are trying to kill you and stuff. Please hurry I can hear them outside
-Cosmo, esteemed travel guide writer
P.S What should I put in my last will and testament?
As a matter of fact, I do! So many people are after the vast fortune from my business enterprises. Mostly I just spend it on frivolous things like building highly flammable chickens or entire amusement parks, which Shbeeg keeps getting on my case for, but for some reason no one else has gotten the memo that there's not much to steal. Wait, should I be putting this in writing? I don't think my stockholders are going to like this...
But I digress. You've seen the movie Home Alone, right? Where the kid's all alone in this big house and burglars try to break in and he keeps ruining their day with traps that they probably shouldn't be able to survive? Yeah, basically that. I've got my corporate headquarters filled with all kinds of comically elaborate booby traps that can be activated at any time! Sure, there's been a few... malfunctions... And I have had a few employees try to sue me for injury compensation due to workplace negligence, but you know, details, details! The important part is that I get funny pictures of my enemies that I can give to the police to file with their reports. There's no reason that the same approach won't work for you! If you need some ideas, I really like the rug over a hole in the floor trick - you don't have to do it everywhere, but if you set up one or two of them, you can make your would-be assailants very paranoid of rugs, which is just funny. Or, something above the door that swings down and hits someone in the face! Bonus points if it looks like a hand so it's like they're getting slapped.
Unfortunately, they won't let me do this in The 'Shroom HQ, but I think having Ninja Squid around is all the security I really need. I just have to stay on his good side!
As for your last will and testament, I think you should just leave everything you own to me! It'll be in good hands, I promise. And you can trust that there won't be any funny business because I'd be down a 'Shroom section if something bad happened! (Wait, you don't have, like, previous marriages or anything like that, do you? I don't want to get tangled up in any complicated legal disputes.)
Got a question you want answered? Stop by the forum thread for this section, or contact me on my talk page!
Written by: Boo1268
Cooking Up Some History
Hello, readers of all walks of life, and welcome to The Spectral Lens. It's a new year and that means plenty of new stories and plenty of new history for me to tell you all! And trust me when I say this story I have for you has been cooking in the oven for a while and is now ready to serve piping hot for all of you to enjoy! Itâs the history behind the Luncheon Kingdomâs most famous event and how it came to be, so let us begin, shall we?
Fun Fact: Apparently the Magma Burger originated in the Luncheon Kingdom before being integrated into the Prisma CafĂŠ, and now locations all over the Mushroom Kingdom.
Our story begins as I was getting lunch with Anton last week, helping him sample some food for his next Half-Baked Review. And as we were eating, we began talking about all the different locations we've been to, the things we've seen, and the people we have met. Then, as we were talking, he brought up an interesting fun fact that I never knew. Apparently, Fort Cobaltâs Prisma CafĂŠ takes its famous Magma Burgerâs Super Spicy Magma Sauce from the Luncheon Kingdom! And what was even more surprising was that he told me that in a few weeks, the Luncheon Kingdom was going to host its world famous Cooking Carnival where visitors from kingdoms far and wide came to sample the legendary Stewpendous Stew. But as I was packing my bags getting ready to enjoy some fine dining, I began to smell something else, the smell of some tasty history. I wondered, why was the Stewpendous Stew so popular? What was the history behind the event? How did it start? And how did the impact of the Carnival come to shape the kingdom into what it is today? And as I began asking more and more questions, my mind and stomach began to rumble, hungry for answers.
As I arrived in the Luncheon Kingdom, I was quickly hit with all the miraculous sights and smells the kingdom had to offer, and was almost swept away by its many wonderful aromas. But I had to get to work and stay focused, so my research began with me looking into why the Stewpendous Stew was so popular. And I must say, I was not disappointed. The stew itself has a very distinct flavor, being very creamy while still being smooth. Drinking the broth can only be described as drinking warm milk, but the ingredients inside the soup make things even better, giving off a taste of melty deliciousness that is unparalleled. And so, after figuring out that mystery (which, in truth, was just an excuse for me to try out the soup), I then began to actually get to work and took a look into the history of the Carnival, which thanks to the help of the locals, the Volbonans, I actually discovered was related to the founding of the kingdom and its culture. For you see, back when the kingdom was first founded, the Forkians (which is what they were called back then) had lived in the town of CittĂ dei Piatto, or as it is called now, âOld Townâ. However, over the years the lava levels began to rise, and soon the town had flooded and was mostly submerged by the dangerous liquid. This caused the Forkians to move closer towards the volcano. However, unbeknownst to them, this single action would cause the history of the Forkians to be changed forever. For you see, soon after making a new home next to the volcano, the Forkians began to cultivate many different crops that, due to the nutrient rich soil, would grow to massive size in the span of a few weeks. And soon, over time the Forkians would begin to have a symbiotic relationship to the volcano, using its heat and the resources it provided in their everyday lives. This would unlock something in them that they never felt before. They would discover their passion for cooking and that they were naturally gifted in it. As a result, they would over many years rename themselves Volbonans in honor of Mount Volbono, them believing that the volcano was what caused them to discover their natural born talent in the first place.
Fun Fact: During the construction of the Big Pot, many foods were still being invented at that time, such as the Fire Flower, Spaghetti & Meatballs, the Cheesy and Spicy Drumstick, and the Magma Burger.
Some time after this, a creative Volbonan named Vobodon Agnello Ramsay would be the one to create an idea so ludicrous that it would change the Volbonansâ way of life as they knew it. He would spend many months researching all there was to know about food, learning different cooking recipes and discovering the secrets of unami, until finally he would create the now world renowned Stewpendous Stew. After its creation, the Volbonans wanted to share their creation with the world (and maybe make a few coins along the way), so they quickly doubled down on making even more of the Stewpendous Stew and in a bigger quantity. Thus, the Big Pot was created, made for the sole purpose of making a massive amount of the Stewpendous Stew. This pot was crafted over 3 & ½ YEARS and was made using the finest material the kingdom had to offer, and it took at least a few months for the Volbonans to actually place the Big Pot on top of Mount Volbono. But once they did, the Volbonans celebrated their accomplishment with an event that would soon come to be known as the Cooking Carnival, a celebration of all the blood, sweat, and tears the Volbonans had to endure in order to make their dream a reality.
Many years would pass, and the Luncheon Kingdom would continue to prosper, soon branching out into selling their soup in cans and providing the recipes to make their other meals to up-and-coming restaurants, for a price. That was until one day, King Bowser Koopa wanted a large bowl of the Stew for his upcoming wedding. However, making the Stewpendous Stew, takes time but Bowser didn't have time to wait around, so he ordered Cookatiel to forcefully speed up the stew making process while his minions invaded and gathered ingredients for the stew. Thankfully, everyone's favorite red capped plumber saved the carnival and stew from being spoiled. Nowadays, the Luncheon Kingdom is prospering now more than ever, with the Cooking Carnival being a smash hit every year since, the celebration serving as a reminder of the kingdomâs passion and determination to make great things for all to see. So remember dear readers, pursue your passion no matter what it may be and work hard at it so that you may become even better than you were before, until eventually you become a true master at your craft. And so, with that, our story ends. I hope you all enjoy this issue of The Spectral Lens. I had a lot of fun cooking it up for all of you, and I enjoyed getting to eat all the delicious food this adventure had to offer. But for now, my questions have been answered and my stomach is full (somewhat), and as I enjoy my Magma Burger made directly from the kingdom itself, I just wanted to say if you have any suggestions for what I should look into next time, make sure to check out my official forum page. Iâm always hungry to see what you chaps want me to write about! And with that, I say: Merci, au revoir and Happy New Year everyone.
Written by: ClawgripFan9001
Ahoy, me circle oâ seasoned seafarers! It be yer beloved capân, ClawgripFan9001 once again! Welcome ta me first Cookinâ Guide oâ 2025! Fer me first culinary adventure oâ the year, I decided ta do somethinâ a wee bit different, âcause I didnât decide on tâdayâs dish, me readers did! Aye, fer the first time in the âistory oâ me writinâ this section, I asked me readers ta go onto the Mario Boards anâ leave behind suggestions on dishes I should cover in Cookinâ Guide. Anâ the lucky user whose suggestion got picked were none other than our Strategy Wing Director, âOoded Pitohui, who suggested me ta cover the âOrsetail Tart ta celebrate the cominâ oâ the new year. As such, I âad ta seek out the culinary consultancy oâ the chef with the most experience in makinâ such a peculiar pastry, Flopsideâs very own Dyllis!
ClawgripFan9001 pushed open the front entrance of the Hot Fraun and scuttled inside before closing the door behind him in a gentle manner, then scuttled through the dining area to get to the kitchen, where Dyllis was waiting for him.
âAh, if it isnât you. I vas wondering vhen you vould be gracing me again vith your presence.â Dyllis said as she saw ClawgripFan9001 enter the kitchen.
âYar, I agree itâs been a long time, Mrs. Dyllis. Iâm glad ye agreed ta âelp me with consultinâ me readers on âow ta make an âOrsetail Tart.â ClawgripFan9001 nodded in acknowledgement of the time gap between his last visit to the Hot Fraun.
âCompared to ze last time you sought out my help fĂźr your section, ze Horsetail Tart is somezing I genuinely take pride in crafting, seeing as zis dish is a famed recipe in ze area I grew up in. But I vonât get off track zere, letâs get cooking.â Dyllis nodded back with a serious face.
âAye, I be âearinâ ye. Iâll be takinâ notes fer me section right âere, so ye just take yer time explaininâ everythinâ I need ta know âbout makinâ this.â ClawgripFan9001 responded as he pulled out his notepad and pencil to start writing down notes for his section.
âRight. So, fĂźr making Horsetail Tart you need a Cake Mix, a Horsetail, milk, cream, eggs und a filling of your choice, but I personally recommend pumpkin spice filling fĂźr getting ze best possible taste.â Dyllis began to instruct ClawgripFan9001 as she took out the needed ingredients for the dish.
âYar, go on.â ClawgripFan9001 nodded as he scribbled down the instructions onto his notepad, listening to Dyllis along the way.
âSo, first thingâs first. Take a round bowl, put ze Cake Mix inside, und then add ze eggs und milk. I strongly recommend adding in two eggs, nothing more zan zat, because zat could make your Horsetail Tart too hearty.â Dyllis continued to explain as she carried out these steps.
âThat much be true, aye.â ClawgripFan9001 chimed his agreement with Dyllisâ statement as he continued to write away on his notepad.
âUse a stirring rod to mix ze Cake Mix with ze eggs und milk, then add in ze cream, then continue mixing fĂźr a total of two minutes to get ze right taste fĂźr ze pastry.â Dyllis informed the Sidestepper, continuing to cook as she spoke.
âEverythinâ fer the maximum taste, I say.â ClawgripFan9001 muttered as he wrote everything down while watching and listening to Dyllis.
âOnce youâve done all of zat, put ze batter in a rectangular bowl, put it in ze oven at a temperature of one-hundred-und-fifty degrees Celsius or three-hundred-und-two degrees Fahrenheit fĂźr an hour.â Dyllis continued to instruct the Sidestepper, culminating with her putting the cake mix inside the oven.
âAye, that should be it fer the time beinâ. I sâpose it be best ta kill some time âtill the cake be ready, donât it?â ClawgripFan9001 suggested as he finished writing everything down.
âIt is. I wish I could fasten ze progress by showing a sample Horsetail Tart fĂźr ze remainder of ze cooking instructions, but such a thing is against my culinary code.â Dyllis nodded her agreement with the Sidestepperâs suggestion.
âYar, fairâs fair, maâam. Iâll be âeadinâ down ta The Overthere bar anâ Iâll be back in an hour fer the conclusion oâ the cookinâ instructions.â ClawgripFan9001 informed Dyllis as he proceeded to tuck away his notepad and pencil before scuttling out the front entrance of the Hot Fraun and shutting the door behind him.
An hour later, ClawgripFan9001 returned to the Hot Fraun while sipping on a takeout coffee he ordered from The Overthere bar. âAhoy, I be back, Mrs. Dyllis!â The Sidestepper called as he came through the door once more.
âHm, seems like youâve managed to learn how to grasp ze concept of time since ze last time we metâŚNo matter. I hope youâre ready fĂźr the final steps of ze cooking instructions.â Dyllis responded as she watched ClawgripFan9001 come back into the kitchen.
âI sure be, maâam. Take it away.â ClawgripFan9001 responded back as he put down his takeout coffee while reaching for his notepad and pencil once more.
âRight, so now that ze base fĂźr ze Horsetail Tart is done, you put ze pumpkin spice filling inside, then you add ze Horsetail on top, und zen you should be finished.â Dyllis instructed ClawgripFan9001 as she carried out these instructions while the Sidestepper wrote them down.
âYar, that be a wrap! Thanks fer âelpinâ me with this, maâam! I be sure me readers will be thankful fer your wisdom in craftinâ this pastry!â ClawgripFan9001 thanked Dyllis for her assistance.
âIt vas my pleasure to share a valued recipe from my childhood community vith ze world.â Dyllis nodded with her hands pridefully placed on her hips.
Argh, this be all ye need ta know fer makinâ Horsetail Tart!
Ingredients
- A Horsetail
- A Cake Mix
- Milk
- Eggs (Two recommended at maximum)
- Cream
- A cake filling (Pumpkin spice is highly recommended)
Appliances
- A round bowl (Fer makinâ the cake batter)
- A rectangular bowl (Fer bakinâ the base oâ the cake)
- A stirring rod
- An oven
Instructions
- Take the round bowl, put the Cake Mix inside anâ add the eggs anâ milk. Again, ye wanna add a maximum oâ two eggs ta avoid yer cake beinâ too âearty.
- Use the stirrinâ rod ta mix the Cake Mix with the eggs anâ milk, apply the cream, then proceed ta mix fer ânother two minutes.
- Put the cake batter in the rectangular bowl, place it in the oven, turn it up ta one-âundred-anâ-fifty degrees Celsius or three-'undred-an'-two degrees Fahrenheit.
- Let the cake base cook fer an hour, take it out the oven, then add the pumpkin spice fillinâ anâ put the âOrsetail on top.
Anâ that's a wrap on our first culinary adventure oâ the year! I âope ye found it as muchuva learninâ experience as I did! Special thanks go ta âOoded Pitohui fer suggestinâ this month's dish, but also ta anyone else who went outta their way ta suggest dishes fer me ta cover this month, it means a lot ta me that ye laddies anâ lassies continue ta support me work fer The âShroom, so this section was me wee reward ta ye. Now, if there be anyone left readinâ, I'll see ye next time on the Cookinâ Guide!
Dry Dry Data
Written by: DryBonesBandit (talk)
Welcome back, returning readers, to my section, Dry Dry Data (and hello to new people also). Iâm your âhostâ, DryBonesBandit, and I am in need of help. More details on that under the âThe Adventureâ header, but for now, just know that I am on Egg Island, having came to study the Blow Hard (Pokus pâtooey), a member of the Yoshi classification âProjectilia Ritebakatchiaâ. No time like the present for an SOS, so...
The Adventure
It all started when I was given the idea by the Strategy Wing director. I noticed how nobody knew why it shot at passerby during online research which intrigued me, so I bought a private plane ticket to Egg Island right away. Landing in World 4, I headed into a cave known to contain the specimen alongside my Shy Guy (?) pilot. We began our search, where we found many a Pokey (pokus segmentum) but no Blow Hards. Hour after hour we found nothing. Then I discovered it wasn't âweâ anymore when I turned around to find my pilot missing. Having no clue where he was, I kept going, when I finally spotted a Blow Hard on the cave roof. It was looking at a Fly Guy (??), which it fired a small, yellow object at seconds later. Then, I noticed a crosshair on me. Thatâs when I realized; it doesnât shoot to spread seeds, it shoots for target practice. This ended up being my last note before I was knocked out by its projectile.
When I woke up, I saw my pilot and I were being kidnapped by Grunt (???) scouts, who apparently found us in the cave and decided weâd make a perfect addition to the jails of a certain angry fish skeleton. Luckily, they are not bright, and Iâm still able to send my section to the âShroom! Who I hope in turn is sending help to us!
The Analysis
Blow Hards are a green Pokey relative. They have a small body with two stubby limbs like arms and lighter spots, and larger heads with two beady eyes and orange lips. And, as youâve probably guessed, they have thorns.
They are rooted to one spot for their whole life. They typically live above ground where they can get sunlight, but underground, glowing mushrooms can do the same job. Those that live underground tend to get more water than those above ground because of aquifers, allowing the cave-dwellers to thrive. Blow Hards have an element of magic to them (a biologistâs worst nightmare) that allows them to make crosshairs appear where they shoot to help them aim. As for how they reproduce, their two limb-like features contain seeds that they fire when they want to expand their family tree. Blow Hards are generally uneducated due to their stuck-in-one-place predicament, and learn on their own or from fellow Blow Hards nearby.
Blow Hard kind are resilient creatures that can take a few hits, which being a cactus may have something to do with. According to Yoshi biologists, these hanging cacti can survive an egg toss (surprisingly rare for species that live with Yoshikind) and are only stunned. Extreme force nearby knocks them out for a few seconds. The only way they have been killed in the notes Iâve read was with the power of, yep, you guessed it, watermelon. As a result of their strength, Blow Hards are plentiful and not near endangerment.
One piece of advice for if you encounter one: bring a helmet.
The End
Remember to submit requests for my next issue, and see you next month!
Fungal Forager's Field Guide
Written by: Patisserie Shoey (talk) and W.P. Hoodington (talk)
The following modified transcript is provided to The 'Shroom by MKBC. In this month's episode, the Fungal Forager's Field Guide's crew enjoys a little fishing trip with this month's catch of the day, the undead Fishbone.
Species: Fishbone
Documented Range: World-5
Class: Obstinate Osteichthyes
Naturalist's Note: Due to sun exposure, most consumers think all Fishbones are bleach white, but in reality they come in a range of whitish-grey tones!
To ichthyologists, the Fishbone has long been regarded as a biological anomaly, unexplainable by science. Years ago, in fact, they were grouped with Honebones and Jean de Fillets, all classified merely as Cheep Cheep skeletons animated by an unknown and unknowable force. With the maturation of paranormal studies as an academic field within the Mushroom Kingdom, attention given to the Honebone caused a reevaluation of this grouping when researchers presented rigorous work demonstrating that the Honebone was uniquely animated by assemblies of departed Cheep Cheep spirits. The Honebone was split off from other skeletal fish, whose own animating forces to this date have not been determined despite the efforts of two fields. The exact relationship between the Fishbone and the Jean de Fillet garners... surprisingly little interest despite Mushroom Kingdom ichthyology having a reputation as a contentious field, but that may be attributable to a general lack of enthusiasm for studying the Fishbone. It is far from hard to understand why there are few who are eager to study a creature with almost no organs, no nerves, and no apparent means of propulsion. The Fishbone is, as they say, a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
Is that to say we ought to resign ourselves to having reached the limit of scientific inquiry, throwing up our hands and declaring the Fishbone unknowable? Hardly! While the physiology of the Fishbone currently eludes our understanding, we have a strong working hypothesis as to their evolutionary origins, including a timeline constructed with the aid of a large cache of fossils and impressions discovered on Pi'illo Island's Driftwood Shore. Ah, many of you at home must be chewing on the same thought right about now, hm? How can a creature that cannot reproduce, that is not remotely deserving of being called its own species, and that possesses no instinct towards self-preservation be governed by the process of natural selection? Well, you may notice that I have avoided the use of the term "species" up to this point, and for good reason. Taxonomically speaking, Fishbones are Cheep Cheeps, and rather than understand them as distinct organisms, we can better understand them by treating them as a stage in the Cheep Cheep lifecycle.
Fishbones are Cheep Cheeps which have passed their reproductive age range, and, as such, there is no loss, from a genetic perspective, if they collapse and shatter in a confrontation with an organism. There is, however, a selective pressure that still impacts Fishbones - that of kin selection. Fishbone often intermingle with schools of their fleshy relatives. There is no downside to a Fishbone launching itself at a potential threat and collapsing, but, if that action deters the threat from attacking the Cheep Cheep school, which due to close relations shares many of its genes, then there is an upside, is there not? So, we have a selective pressure for Fishbone to persist, transcending their deaths, and to aggressively attack potential threats to the Cheep Cheep generally found nearby, and in that, you have a potential explanation for the Fishbone's nature and behavior.
The next time you're struck by disappointment when you reel in a Fishbone, remind yourself you're looking at a biological enigma which, bit by bit, we are starting to crack open. It won't make dinner tastier, but it may make you feel better. Although, if you're looking to find a culinary use for a Fishbone, my colleague may have a suggestion...
Delicacy Status: Unpalatable Skelly
Weight: 1/2 a pound to 1 pound
Flavor Profile: Salt Fish
Chef's Tip: Don't eat Bones!
So that's it, right? Fishbones are completely unusable for culinary purposes, right? Well, no, not exactly! While it's true attempting to make a meal out of them will only result in a hurt jaw and broken teeth, there's still some potential in these skeletons. The first one is pretty simple and not exactly the fancy meal you've come to expect, but Fishbones can be used to enhance the taste of a soup broth. Say you want to add a little salty fish taste to your soup but you don't want to actually cook fish meat. Simply throw 1-4 Fishbones (depending on serving size) into the pot and let it boil for an hour to an hour and a half before you add anything else. The water will be imbued with a nice hint of salt fish. Now I prefer fresh Fishbones caught from the sea for this. I find that the prepackaged kinds used for Chain-Chomp treats lose some of that natural sea salt flavor from the packaging process. But it won't ruin the soup if you use prepackaged Fishbones.
So Fishbone can be used to make good soup broth, but, honestly, that's pretty boring. I mean lots of bones can be used to flavor broth. It's not exactly a revolutionary concept. But for my next culinary showcase, we're going to get a little fancy with it. This use of Fishbone is based off one of the ways Jungle Guy tribes once used them. Early explorers of Yoshi's Island observed that the Jungle Guys would suck on Fishbones caught out of the sea for their flavor since Fishbones naturally absorb a lot of sea salt flavor just from swimming in it. It has been speculated that this allowed Jungle Guys, who had no way of harvesting sea salt, to enjoy the flavor of sea salt without getting dehydrated from drinking sea water! So as a spinoff of that, we're going to make Fishbone seasoning! Heat the oven to 475 degrees then place the Fishbones on a grated baking pan. Bake for 4 hours or until the bones turn brittle. Once the bones have turned brittle, use a cudgel to bash the bones into a fine powder and, voila, you have a perfect sea salt seasoning. The cudgel will break the bones into such a fine powder that you won't have to worry about choking on bone particles, while the powder itself has a strong sea salt taste complemented with just a hint of fishy flavor. It's the perfect thing to wow your friends and zap some extra flavor into whatever dish you're making!
Written by: Legend 8
Episode 13: Multidimensional Merriness, Part 2
It is a rather cold, cold and cold day in the Christmas dimension. And oh, did I mention cold? Anyways: currently, our heroes Pyrokles and Kroop are face to face with a frozen yeti that just awoke, and guess why that is the case? Of course, the last episode had tons of antilogical shenanigans, but surely that's not the reason. The REAL reason was obviously those stupid tourists! But now, let's just unfreeze the time to see what happens next!
Pyro: AAARGHGAGHRAAHAHHH everybody run for your liveeeeeeess!!!!!!!!!
Kroop: Yup, I agree!
They teleport themselves and the terrified Toad tourist (who was, of course, responsible for all of this) out of the way - just in time, as the yeti breaks out of his frozen prison with an ice-shaking roar, shards flying around as he raises his fists and gets ready to attack, stomping after them. The gigantic, horned, white-furred monster had finally been awoken from its eternal sleep - and it was hungry.
Uh, I don't think this needs much explaining, but I think it's really not good that we've now got not only tourists to find, but also a yeti who could smash this whole castle to pieces!! It's only made of ice!!!
Kroop: REALLY? I hadn't thought of that before, you're SO smart!
Thanks, it's kinda my job, isn't it? But tell me, what was that undertone in your voice?
Pyro: Wait. Say that again, Explainer. The problem thing.
I said, we got a huge problem now, cause now we have this yeti-in-an-ice-castle problem AND the tourist prob-
Pyro: We have a HUGE problem.
That's what I said!
Pyro: Exactly! Now, we have to find these stupid runaway tourist dumbheads before they cause any more harm or get eaten and/or smashed, while having to figure out how to survive all this ourselves!!
Kroop: Oh.
Pyro: Yes.
Kroop: That's problematic...
Pyro: Yes.
Now hurry!! Have you already forgotten what you just said?! I know you're not really sane anymore, but really??
Pyro: Of course not! But we shouldn't charge in head first like a blind yeti, we gotta get a plan. And I'm still thinking...
Kroop: Didn't you just say there's no time for that?!
Some running-away-from-a-yeti, useless arguing, car-rot eating and stupid plans later, Kroop is driving along the ice floor with a pair of snow tyres sprouting from his lower jaw, pushing Pyro along the corridor. The Magikoopa is sitting in the air, meditating about a plan and apparently enjoying not having to walk. Meanwhile the Explainer glitches through the frozen walls, checking every corridor for the tourists - without much success.
Kroop: How can they just not be anywhere??
Pyro: Maybe the yeti ate them. Although I think I can still hear him eating, down at the buffet where we escaped him. Must be hungry after such a long time... But I don't really know the difference between normal yeti eating noises and yeti Toad-eating noises, so...
Kroop: Pyro, why are the only things you contribute to our situation, unnecessary comments about what horrible things could happen in the meantime??
Pyro: Sorry, just trying to be helpful. And realistic.
Wait, Pyro, didn't you have those ice statue clone thingies? Where even are they? They were supposed to find the tourists, right?
Pyro: Oh yes, I knew I had forgotten something important! Rightttt!!!
Kroop: Oh, Pyrooooo!!! Can you somehow track them or something?
Pyro: Sure can, but my spell might fail if I touched the floor, so - do you think you could MAYYYBEEE push me another few corridors?
Kroop: Of course I can... But it's not like I have much of a choice...
Pyro concentrates and his eyes glow blue (even though they are closed and hidden behind sunglasses, but who cares, it's antilogic) as he starts to see through the eyes of his statues.
Pyro: I see, uh, walls... made of ice...
Kroop: Please, necessary information first!!
Pyro: I see... Whoa! All the statues are in one place! And the Toads! And... I think an ice chandelier just fell on top of the statue I was seeing through. Let me try another one.
Ice chandelier, that could be the main hall? It's pretty obvious, at least, if you don't have more of these halls in here.
Pyro: Oh, I do, sadly. There's ice chandeliers in every larger room. I... Wait. Was that... I think I saw something white...
Kroop: Wow, what a rare sight here in winter wonderland!
Pyro: No, uh, it's... Damn, connection broke off! Did you stop pushing me?
Pyro opens his eyes and realises that he is sitting on the floor.
Pyro: No!! I told you not to set me down!! Why did you do it??
Kroop: Um, well, I didn't really think that was something serious! I thought it was just cause you didn't want to walk!
Pyro: Come on, am I really THAT untrustworthy??
Kroop: Uh.. Yes?
Pyro: Damn. Now, how do we find that room?
Suddenly, one of the ice statues comes crashing through the thin wall, shattering apart on the floor. A roaring sound echoes from the hole. It sounds slightly more musical than normally.
Pyro: Ah, the orchestra! I should've known. Only these acoustics make a yeti sound like a trumpet!
Kroop: Wait, the yeti is here?!
Let me explain! It seems that the orchestra is right beneath the restaurant, and the yeti just kind of crashed through the ceiling, and now he's here. And this apparently just so happened to be a point of interest for many tourists, so they seem to be all here!
They gaze through the hole and then run quickly into the orchestra room, Pyro throwing up an energy shield just in time to stop the yeti's next furious attack towards the shocked group of tourists, guarded by the few remaining ice Pyro statues.
Kroop: Now we only got to get that beast under control. Go, Pyro! Finish him!
Pyro: Hm, the last time I fought these, I was able to use my fire blasts, which would be a pretty bad idea considering our location... And also, I kind of don't want to harm a part of my collection! We need to find a different way.
Kroop: Really?!! It's that ONE TIME where you, like, HAVE to demolish something, and you just don't?! That's just... crazy!!
I think it's pretty reasonable, actually. But... that IS a strange way to describe Pyro or his actions...
Kroop: What about that oh-so-important plan of yours?
Pyro: Relax! We could just round everyone up and- UGH, REALLY?! That had to happen, didn't it?
Kroop: What is it this time?!
I keenly observe that we are missing one member of the tourist group. Yay.
Pyro: Correct... I think Mr. reindeer was at a slight disadvantage when having to keep up with a snowmobile skull, while also having been severely traumatized a few seconds before... But I can't believe we didn't think of him!
Uh, maybe we could combine that search effort with some more running away from an angry yeti? Your statues have been thoroughly taken care of...
Kroop: Oh shoot, you're right, let's go! And no, Pyro, I won't be pushing you again!
Pyro: Won't be necessary! It's time for some nom-nom-nonlogic!
Pyro stuffs a bunch of salad somehow resembling a jetpack (rocket rocket) into his mouth, conjures a rope of energy to tie the tourist group and Kroop together behind him, and off he goes! The yeti is furious as his well-deserved prey suddenly starts wildly shooting away from him, and starts barrelling after them.
I'll scout ahead, okay? All you gotta do is survive and not crash against a wall!
Pyro raises his fist like a superhero, crashes through three walls, and then nods at the Explainer who glitches off immediately.
Kroop: I have to say, those vegetables of yours are pretty useful. But still, they would be a lot better if they were actually edible and wouldn't result in me being really dizzy, tired, or blasted by a jetpack's fire stream.
Pyro: Right now they're still a prototype, but I'll take your feedback and try to improve them! But... I can't guarantee it on the last part, cause, whoever decides about destiny in this story must be a real- WHOA watch out!!!
Pyro rapidly deactivates the jetpack, skids across the floor and crashes into the last remaining Pyro statue, which falls over and loses its head. The Explainer's glitchy body slips from the shards.
Hey, I needed that one!
Kroop: Wait, since when can you possess objects??
Doesn't matter - I found the Toad, he's over here! He got found by the statue after you lost him, and got brought into a safer room.
The Explainer shows them the way into a room filled with ice- and Christmas-themed weapons and armour, where the lost Toad is sitting (rather uncomfortably) on a pile of pointy ice daggers.
Pyro: Oh, the armory? Interesting! I would love to see if the natives here still use those candy-cane hookswords they used when I last came here!
Kroop: Pyro, there's no time! Let's bring that Toad and the other ones out of here before-
Alert! The yeti is now blocking our only exit!! If you need me to explain the situation-
The yeti smashes open the doorframe so that he is just able to fit through, and unleashes another terrifying roar.
Kroop: Oh great. Well, at least we got weapons now.
Pyro: Hey, no one touches my Zoo's property without permission!
Kroop: Ugh, perfect. So now what? You were preparing some fantastic plan â is it finished? What is it?!
Pyro: One more second... Yes, I got it!
Kroop: What is it?!?!?!
Pyro: Oooooh, it's THE idea!!!
Kroop: What. Is. It?!?!?!?!
Pyro: Simple! We just have to steal Christmas!!!
Kroop: WHAT?!
That seems very⌠unfitting to me?
Pyro: Yeah you see, then this dimension wouldn't exist until I bring Christmas back, and then our yeti problem would be solved at least temporarily without hurting anyone or leaving the castle to be destroyed!!
Kroop: But isn't that just postponing it? Also, Pyro, you know that Christmas was about a month ago? You know that, right. RIGHT?
Pyro: WAIT. What!? Why didn't you tell me earlier?? And how did this even happen? I know for sure it was still December when we left home!!
Kroop: Yeah how should I know, you're the only antilogician around here!!
Pyro: Yeah⌠But actually, that's great! Now I can just do what I wanted to do without having to become the Grinch! Get ready everyone, cause this dimension is about to go poof until next December!
Wait a sec, that doesn't really make any sense⌠Why... That is a slightly strange way to end this trippzpzrrzzzprzprrwhat just happened??
Pyro snaps his fingers, and reality around them dissolves into calendar pages showing dates in January. The travel group, half of them unconscious, are standing amidst Pyro's stone theatre again â VERY confused.
Pyro: Okay, long story short. I made the dimension we visited temporarily inexistant! That way we don't have that yeti problem again until next year - and I'll probably have figured out some better solution by then. That's it for today, then, so see you some other time. And, get a good rest, you look like you severely need it. Uh, Kroop, why are you looking at me like this?
Kroop: Yeah, probably you'll find a solution... Like always...
The Sunshine Travel Guide
Written by: TheBlueCatMenace
Concordia: Get Connected To This Place!
What's up, readers? You are currently tuned in to the Sunshine Travel Guide, your favourite travel guide (I hope)! Last month I got into a small scuffle with that Pianta who's been following me around. On my way to a New Year's Party, he pulled me into an alleyway, then tossed me into a portal where I was tossed into a portal, then shot at by these weird dudes, then attacked by a flower with eyes. Then a big tree exploded, a portal opened back to the Mushroom Kingdom, I tripped and missed the chance to go through, and now I'm stuck here.
Rather than asking for help, I decided to review this place for The Sunshine Travel Guide. After managing to establish connection to 'Shroom HQ through dimensions, I sent my Travel Guide and closed the connection. I mean, I haven't yet, but I'm going to. Anyway, enjoy what could quite possibly be the last issue of The Sunshine Travel Guide (not actually).
Locations
I know what you're thinking: "HEY! You dumb cat! You didn't put history in! I'm the number one fan of The Sunshine Travel Guide's history section! I'm never reading this dumb section ever again!" First of all, calm down. This is an entirely fictional Travel Guide written for entertainment and not to be taken seriously. Secondly, I had a dream, and this strange figure appeared and told me "Cosmo, you must not put history in this issue of The Sunshine Travel Guide⌠that way, we can minimise spoilersâŚ" I don't really know what it meant by spoilers, but who am I to refuse strange figures who appear to you in dreams. If you wanna read history so bad, go read The Spectral Lens.
Anyway, Concordia is split into a whole bunch of regions, each with their own attractions. So here we go again, into a big list of a whole bunch of locations!
Uni-Tree island
The center of Concordia, this serves as a gathering point for all residents or Concordia. There's a plaza, beach, and small lighthouse here, if you care about that stuff. The main reason you'll visit this island is because it serves as a dock or checkpoint for many Concordian boats. Whether you're taking Shipshape Ships or Lottacoins Luxury Cruises, you'll probably end up here at some point.
Must see: The Uni-Tree. It's huge. Like, "I didn't know a tree could be that big" huge.
Don't: Destroy the Uni-Tree, forcing two plumbers, a flying thing that is not a pig, and a tiny little gardener to link the islands together again.
Rumbla County
Impressive and colourful sculptures are everywhere at Rumbla County, which makes it a great place to seek inspiration. Some of the sculptures are more⌠unique⌠than others, though. Anyway, you can purchase some great souvenirs here, like Reef Replicas or Bildit/Maykit hammers. Yep, a real nice place, but not too memorable.
Must see: Issa Rock's Reef Replica collection. It⌠rocks.
Don't: Destroy the art. There's someone called Willma, and apparently she likes punching people.
Twistee Park
The grooviest region by far, Twistee Island is frequented by the incredible Groovemaster Dyode, and his apprentice Emmit. You can stop by to watch him develop new moves or see a small concert. You can also find a hair wax shop in the forest, and it's weird enough that there's a hair wax shop, but it's also in the middle of nowhere. Let's move on.
Must see: The Twisten Sprout. It apparently grows with dancing and music? Weird.
Don't: Boo Dyode. Everyone else will throw you off the bridge.
Raynforst Rainforest
A bit of a redundant name thereâŚWell, Raynforst Rainforest is home to all sorts of flora and fauna. Be careful, because some of it's hostile. Also, bring an umbrella. For some reason, it's always raining here. Oh, that's why it's called a rainforest!
Must see: I dunno, there's not really a standout thing here. I guess you could see a tree.
Don't: Forget an umbrella. Really don't forget an umbrella. My fur is still wet.
Florall Gardens
ACHOO! Terrible place to go to if you have hay fever. That is all I'll say.
Must see: The flowers or something I just wanna leave!
Don't: Visit if you have hay fever
Desolatt Junkyard
Not actually a junkyard, but a town. What a terrible name. Anyhoo, Desolatt Junkyard is filled with random stuff. Whether a sock or a 69 gigakilo ultrasilver kablammo super engine with reinforced hyperpiston functions and 1400 mini electric speed enhancer capacity, you're sure to find it here. Oh dang, now I'm outta room.
Must see: The rocket IDLE is building out of apple cores and pants.
Don't: Get kidnapped by birds.
Merrygo Land
Finally, somewhere I would visit on my own accord! Merrygo Land is literally just an amusement park. Like, that's all there is. The main attraction is Merrygo Maze, a massive maze with switches you can use to change the layout. Be careful, because you might get lost⌠FOREVER!!
Must see: The big tower in the center of the maze. Or, see the view from it.
Don't: Get lost. I saw the janitor sweeping up bones!! GASP!! Well, they were toy bones, but still.
Lottacoins City
The birthplace of Concordian commerce, Lottacoins City is arguably the most important region of Concordia. It makes massive contributions to the economy every day, and many important businesses and services have established headquarters here. Even a newspaper called "The Plug"⌠It reminds me of something.
Must see: The bakery or whatever fancy name it has. I probably shouldn't have written this while I was hungry.
Don't: Get roped into working. THERE IS NO ESCAPE!
Allsand Desert
A big, dangerous desert filled with Sharkbones and quicksand. Hey, is this another of those dumb dangerous locations? Dang, it is.
Must see: The oasis, it has a spooky voice.
Don't: Visit. Unless you're Indiana Toad.
Bulbfish Port
Home to the titular Bulbfish, Bulbfish Port is a small fishing village lead by Leyden. They make some great food here, watching the bulbfish is fun, you can go for a ride in a boat⌠Could it be? Another desirable location? INCREDIBLE!!
Must see: The Bulbfish. They are very delicious pretty.
Don't: Try to sneak past the security guard, unless you want a bruise permanently on your face.
Heatfreeze Settlement
The Skorcheen and Slippenglide people have both made villages here and never stop arguing. They both pride themselves on their food making abilities. There's a few activities but nothing to keep you invested for more than a day.
Must see: The food, I guess. Perhaps that should be "Must eat"âŚ
Don't: Fall in the lava. You'd need some thick overalls to survive that.
Slippenglide Glacier
Not actually a glacier, but that sounds better than "Slippenglide Terrain". Anyway, ICE CREAM. I scream, you scream, give me all the ice cream. Delicious frosty goodness, in all kinds of flavours. Yum. What elseâŚNah, that's it.
Must see: I mean, must eat: Ice cream. YUMMY YUM YUM.
Don't: Not eat ice cream. Unless you're lactose intolerant. Then this must have been hard to read.
Skorcheen Volcano
Very warm, very dangerous, don't visit.
Must see: I told you not to visit! Do you ever listen to me!?
Don't: Oh my goodness I told you don't visit
Offandon Ruins
A very poor region, Offandon grew hope through the help of someone I cannot disclose and their fraternity of people I cannot disclose. Still, there's not much to do here. Apparently I picked the wrong continent to write aboutâŚ
Must see: The ruins. They're actually pretty cool.
Don't: Get too close to the totem poles. Some say they can come alive and attack you in a predictable pattern.
Conductor Sanctuary
This place is actually kinda bori-IS THAT A FLOATING PIG
Must see: FLOATING PIG
Don't: CALL IT A PIG I REGRET MY DECISION
Jellyfish Resort
FINALLY! This place is literally designed to be a vacation destination! It's quite possibly the most fitting place I've ever reviewed! Wooohoooo!! Ahem, Jellyfish Resort has many, many activities. Too many to list. So here are the highlights: Watch a concert at Jellyfish stage. Dance, swim or eat pizza in Club Dyode, and even perform yourself.
Must see: The Dyode statues. They're statues. Of Dyode.
Don't: Fail at making pizzas. You'll burn the club down.
Conclusion
"What!? Conclusion already?! You're so lazy!" Yeah, I bet that's what you're saying. Well, I'm losing the connection, so I have to hurry. Anyway, if you need an activity to tide you over, then go find out who the two people who don't like the Sunshine Travel Guide are. Good luck. If you want to give me feedback, ask questions, or select a location, contact me on the forums (I don't know why I still say that, no one ever does it.). Until then, hey wait who the heck is that? OH MY GOSH! It's you! AAAAAAAAAAA-
CONNECTION TERMINATED
Mushroom Tribune
Written by: Shoey (talk) and Hooded Pitohui (talk)
This article sourced from the Mushroom Tribune, a sister publication serving the Toad Town metropolitan area with local news which goes uncovered by the national networks.
Proposed Bridge Restoration Sparks Debate
A Dinosaur Land infrastructure proposal has set off heated debate not only in the Mushroom Parliament but throughout the Kingdom. The proposed project concerns rebuilding the Twin Bridges of Cookie Mountain located on Dinosaur Island. The Twin Bridges are a set of bridges, the first being a longer bridge dubbed the Butter Bridge and connecting the top side of the Vanilla Dome to the upper regions of Cookie Mountain, and the second being a shorter bridge dubbed the Cheese Bridge which connects the exit of Vanilla Dome to the lower region of Cookie Mountain. These two bridges, the marvels of Dinosaur Land infrastructure, served as the only direct land connection between the island's two halves. For generations, Cave People and Yoshis alike used the bridge to travel between the halves of Dinosaur Land to engage in trade, hunting, and harvesting. That all changed during Bowser's occupation of Dinosaur Land when Koopaling Ludwig von Koopa, commanding a post on Cookie Mountain, ordered the bridges destroyed in an attempt to halt Mario and Luigi's progress in liberating the island. While the destruction of the bridge failed to stop Mario and Luigi from liberating Dinosaur Land, the destruction of the bridges has had an extremely negative impact on the life of the Dinosaur Land inhabits. The destruction of the Twin Bridges has completely severed the two halves of Dinosaur Land, completely cutting off the Cave People and Yoshis from their traditional hunting and farming pilgrimages they had done throughout the years.
For years since the end of occupation, the bridges have sat destroyed and dangerous, but a recent bill, the "Dinosaur Land Twin Bridges Restoration Security Act" filed by representative Dangoom Toadster, has proposed to fix that. If passed, the bill would devote up to 500,000 coins to restore the Twin Bridges up to code and back to working order. Supporters of the bill have fallen into two camps. The first camp, led by Dangoom Toadster, has argued that there are benefits both in national security and to the economy, arguing that rebuilding the bridges would allow trade ships to dock in the much calmer waters of Yoshi's Island while still being able to harvest resources from the The Forest of Illusion, Chocolate Island, and Cookie Mountain regions without having to attempt to dock on the rough mountainsides of Cookie Mountain or to navigate the sharp rocks of Chocolate Island. They also point out that, due to the proximity between the Mushroom Kingdom and Dinosaur Land, having the ability to quickly move troops (AKA Mario and Luigi) throughout the island would be a boon for national security. The second camp, headed by The Good Neighbor Society, a think tank devoted to ways to improve relations with neighboring lands, has argued that the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom owe a debt of gratitude to both the Yoshis and Cave People of Dinosaur Land. The think tank points out that not only did the Yoshis aid in the rescue of Princess Peach, but that the Yoshis have been one of Mario's most consistent allies, even pointing out that, if not for the Yoshis' rescue of Baby Mario and Baby Luigi, our kingdom wouldn't even have our protectors to begin with. They, in a statement, argued that, while the price might seem high, it's a low price compared to the massive debt owed to the Yoshis, additionally pointing out that, if not for Mario, Luigi, and Princess Peach vacationing on Dinosaur Land, Bowser never would have occupied it to begin with and the Twin Bridges never would have been destroyed!
Opponents however have argued that restoring the Twin Bridges is an unnecessary use of funds, arguing that the so-called benefits are negligible, whereas the total costs are likely to rise far above 500,000 coins. The lead opposition, a government waste think tank known as the Center For Controlled Spending, released the following statement:
After a thorough examination of the proposed Dinosaur Land Twin Bridges Restoration Security Act, we must announce we vigorously oppose the passage of this bill. We find the proposed costs of this bill hopelessly naive. While yes, it might be possible to construct bridges of that nature in the Mushroom Kingdom for around that cost (although personally we feel that even that costs would be higher), we feel that the proposed bill is not factoring in extra costs such as the need to hire and import skilled workers to the region, who would naturally command a higher-than-average wage as compensation for having to travel and stay in Dinosaur Land. Similarly not considered is the fact they will have to transport the material to build these bridges from the Mushroom Kingdom, either by ship or via an air drop by plane. Either one of those could be rife with cost overruns, such as an air drop missing its target or the fact that a ship will have to dock on Yoshi's Island while heavy equipment will be needed to transport the material to the job site. We also feel the proposed bill is drastically underestimating the bureaucratic costs of such a project in a far away and frankly barely-civilized land. The fact is that a project of this nature is going to require extra engineers and extra safety inspectors, each of whom will drive the price up. By our frankly conservative estimate, we find that the final price of this project will be five to seven times higher than the funds allocated by this bill. It is our opinion that this project will end up as a classic low-bid plan often seen in the construction industry, where a contractor will intentionally underbid a project knowing they can't actually complete it and forcing the people paying them to constantly cough up extra cash to keep the project moving along. It is of our opinion that once we start and the initial low-ball projections fail, the Government will continue to fund the project under the rationale that we had already started it and so we need to finish it, constantly pushing additional funding in through riders on various budget bills until the final price tag is significantly higher than what was initially promised. For that reason, while we sympathize with the plight of the Cave People and the Yoshis, we do not find that it should be our duty to restore the bridges. Instead, we feel that we paid whatever debt we might owe to Dinosaur Land when we liberated them from the clutches of Bowser and his minions and that it should be up to the Cave People and Yoshis of Dinosaur Land to restore the bridges. After all, they built it once; they can build it again.
While the public and lobbyists have expressed various opinions on the Twin Bridges restoration bill, in the Mushroom Parliament, the debate is just beginning with the bill being moved to the Committee of Public Works, its first stop in the legislative process. Now, for their opinions on the matter, we turn to our long time columnists, former Member of Parliament representing Sparkling Waters, Hooded Bloopui, and former Vice Chair of the Public Works Ministry, Shoey.
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I find all of this discussion of what is or isn't "owed" to the Yoshis and Cave People of Dinosaur Land to be misplaced and unproductive. Frankly, while we are ultimately in agreement, even the Good Neighbor Society and those echoing the think tank's position are only muddying the waters with this rhetoric of debts and charity. The calculus behind this bill is not and never should have been framed as moral matter. This is at its core, and should always be framed as, a simple question of trade and economics, and when you ask whether the reconstruction of the Twin Bridges is in the economic interest of the Mushroom Kingdom, the answer is a resounding "yes, absolutely"! This is an investment. The benefits we will reap from increased productivity in Dinosaur Land - a nearby polity with a pledge of perpetual amity with our kingdom - and the increase in trade which will follow are enormous. |
| Consider the case of Volcano Lotuses, an imported delicacy in our kingdom that despite the best attempts of our agriculturalists still cannot be grown here. There are two - only two - regions of the world in which Volcano Lotuses can be found. One is the distant Vibe Island, where they're a relatively rare plant, and the other is Dinosaur Land, where they're strewn all across the archipelago. Now, shipping these plants in from Vibe Island is expensive. Only a few hundred can be harvested a year simply because so few grow on the island. From Dinosaur Land, we're importing approximately 2,500 Volcano Lotuses annually, and I can tell you, that's not enough to meet demand in this kingdom. Volcano Lotus prices surged sixfold last year alone as importers struggled to meet demand. Trade experts estimate 6,000 Volcano Lotuses could be sustainably harvested in Dinosaur Land annually if the Yoshis and the Cave Peoples could resume their migrations across the archipelago to gather the resources of the Forest of Illusion and Chocolate Island, which would in turn lower prices here. You see a similar situation with Rex wings, fried as a popular dish, where bottlenecks in production in Dinosaur Land force us to turn to costlier imports from the Beanbean Kingdom, costing us directly and creating uncertainty in the market due to the unpredictable fluctuations in the Beanbean-Mushroom exchange rate. Jumping Piranha Plants, whose leaves are used as medicinal herbs and are thus vital to our kingdom, are in a similar situation, common-but-underharvested in Dinosaur Land, and rare and expensive elsewhere. The reconstruction of these bridges will directly lower costs for consumers in our kingdom, growing our economy, increasing our tax revenues, and over an estimated ten years paying for itself twice over. | |
| Now, some may assert that a ferry service could be put into place instead, or that a cheaper, shorter crossing could be erected over the outlet of Soda Lake, and that to reconstruct the Twin Bridges rather than pursuing these options is fiscally irresponsible. Unfortunately, there are complicating factors. Chocolate Island, for one, is nearly surrounded by jagged rocks which pose a danger to vessels of any kinds, and is only approachable from the strait separating it from Dinosaur Island. Even experienced captains have had ships sink when struck by a sudden wave or fierce gale while attempting to approach the island. This makes a crossing from Yoshi's Island to Chocolate Island impractical, and a crossing to the Forest of Illusion is prevented by the abundance of spirits which have taken residence in the Sunken Ghost Ship, who attempt to pull other vessels into rocks in order to expand their home. Meanwhile, crossing by Soda Lake is prevented by an abundance of Torpedo Teds left behind by the Koopa Troop, clean up of which would exceed the cost of repairing the Twin Bridges. Finally, a shorter bridge over the outlet of Soda Lake is impeded by the ferocity of the waterfall. Reconstruction of the Twin Bridges is the only option for re-linking the archipelago of Dinosaur Land, and, when considered dispassionately as an investment, it is clear it is in our kingdom's benefit and within our kingdom's interest to pay the costs. | |
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I've read both the proposed bill and the responses to it, and I must say I stand firmly opposed to the use of Mushroom Kingdom funds to restore the Twin Bridges. I agree with the Center for Controlled Spending's conclusion that the bill's stated cost is at best an underestimate and at worst an attempt to slip in another Government forever project that will require constant funding increases. Lord knows we've seen quite a few of those, such as the constant repairs and upgrades to Mario Circuit 3 to keep it "cup-ready". You're not just talking about the costs of repairing the bridges, which I already believe this bill is severely underestimating, but we'll also be responsible for the Twin Bridges' constant upkeep and maintenance requirements that will keep the costs overrunning far past the 500,000 coins allocated for this project. Now, supporters of the restoration will tell us that we need to look past these costs out of either some sort of civic debt we owe Dinosaur Land or because there are significant benefits either in security or economics. First, let me start with the idea from the Good Neighbor Society that we owe Dinosaur Land to repair those bridges. I find this idea, much like most of the Good Neighbor Society's ideas, to be good-natured but misinformed. I would point out that, while it's true the Yoshis aided us during many rescues of Princess Peach, Mario and Luigi aided the Yoshis when they didn't have to. While the Good Neighbor Society would argue that Bowser only occupied Dinosaur Land because of Mario, Luigi, and Princess Peach's vacation, I would point out we've more than made up for that debt. Firstly, not only did Mario and Luigi go out of their way to save the Yoshis sealed inside eggs when they didn't have to, but they also went out of their way to travel the dangerous Star Road rescuing the Blue, Red, and Yellow Yoshis who had been sealed away. Then, after liberating the land from Bowser, Mario, Luigi, and Princess Peach aided the Cave People by liberating the Forest of Illusion from the dreaded Wizenheimer, clearing out the organized Dino Rider hordes that terrorized the Cave People throughout Dinosaur Land, and, finally, attempting to introduce a quality Mushroom Kingdom education to the Cave Children! I would say whatever debt we might have owed them has long since been paid! |
| Now on to the security and economic arguments made. First, I dismiss the security benefits outright. Considering how easy of a time Bowser has kidnapping the princess, I can't imagine we'd be any safer if we devoted military resources to Dinosaur Land. As for the economic value of restoring the Twin Bridges, I won't sit here and argue that there would be no benefit to doing so. After all, skilled workers and material makers would directly benefit from such a large-scale infrastructure project, with increased employment and the ability to demand high wages from such a faraway project. But I would like to point out that, while, yes, those in the trades would benefit greatly, it would be at a cost of everybody else in the kingdom. Not only would such gains through jobs and wages be temporary, but they would also be funded entirely through taxpayer funds, putting us on the hook for those wages and the debt and tax increases that would come with it. So, while yes, those jobs would benefit the economy in the short term, they'd be setting us up for long-term economic problems! Now, as for the resources we would gain, I do not doubt Hooded's assertion that rebuilding the Twin Bridges would bring trade advantages allowing for easier access to the bountiful resources of Dinosaur Land, I disagree that easier access to those resources would make up for the cost of the project. Unless we discover some new in-demand resource, I don't think the ability to get better access to fried dinosaur wings or herbal "remedies" is worth the hundreds of thousands of coins it would cost to restore the Twin Bridges. Taking all this into account, I feel that this bill is a fiscally irresponsible nightmare trying to solve a problem that is not ours to solve. |
| The 'Shroom: Issue 214 | |
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