The 'Shroom:Issue 201/Critic Corner
Director's Notes
The end is nigh! The bell tolls for 2023, with Santa coming through with one final gift to us at Critic Corner: The Mariospective by Goombuigi (talk) will join us as a regular monthly section! Who knew we had Mario content?
Thank you for voting Half-Baked Reviews as November's Critic Corner Section of the Month!! Be sure to give your love to all of our sections here, and give a shout out to our writers whether in chat or in their forum threads dedicated to their sections. Be sure to vote vote vote!
And now for my regular announcements: We've decided to implement in Critic Corner something similar to News Flush over in Fake News, where no formal sign-up application process is required for one-time or limited sections. From now on if you just want to send in a single review for something you just read, watched played, tried, whatever, you just have to send me your review privately either to me directly in chat, or in a message to me on the forum at least one week before each 'Shroom is to be released! There's no commitment or obligation to provide a full monthly section (although you absolutely can shift it into one if you so choose), just send us your thoughts on a thing and we'll feature it here! If you have any questions or curiosities about this, please feel free to ask!
As always, if you would like to help Critic Corner, we always have openings for more writers! You are free to write for sections such as Character Review and Movie Review, or really anything you'd like to do! There's no pressure to have a huge section; they can be shorter and concise! The application process is very simple, starting with reading the Sign Up page, and sending your application to Meta Knight on the forum. Any idea you have is welcome, and if you have any questions or need help signing up, please feel free to reach out to myself or other 'Shroom peeps!
Section of the Month
| CRITIC CORNER SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Anton's Half-Baked Reviews | 13 | 36.11% | Hypnotoad (talk) |
| 2nd | Sonic Origins Ranking | 9 | 25.00% | Meta Knight (talk) |
| 3rd | 12 Months of Mario - From Worst to Best | 5 | 13.89% | GPM1000 (talk) |
'Shroom FM
Written by: MrConcreteDonkey (talk)
Hello! Thanks for coming back. Unfortunately I have had a very busy month and haven't had much time to listen, so this will be shorter than usual. Sometimes I say that and then end up writing a massive review somehow. But what are the odds of that happening?
Join me next month for the 'Shroom FM Awards 2023... and then, who knows after that? What if nobody releases any albums in 2024? They really keep you on your toes in this job.
Peter Gabriel - i/o ā
I've been a Peter Gabriel fan for a long time - 'Sledgehammer' was my favourite song of all time at one point, and it's still one of my favourite videos. This album has spent over 27 years in production, in some form or another, with around 150 songs in contention by 2005 and many delays and reworkings along the way. Every song on the album has two mixes (technically three, don't ask) and it's split into two halves; all 12 songs were released intermittently as singles over the year - with the "Bright-Side Mix" on the day of the full moon, and the "Dark-Side Mix" following on the day of a new moon. I didn't keep up with everything as it was released, but this was still a really cool rollout for the album and built my excitement for it a lot. The differences between the two mixes for each song are quite subtle - to put it very bluntly, the Dark-Side mixes tend to sound a bit darker and gloomier, more atmospheric in places. It's definitely noticeable if you listen to both halves together, though this does take over two hours, and if you don't enjoy the first half then the second won't offer much to change your mind. I listened to the whole thing while flying to Switzerland earlier this month, and I'm glad to report that I really enjoyed it. A lot! The songs here just sound so huge and so full of life. Many albums by older artists or bands tend to try too hard to replicate their earlier sound, and which leads to it feeling inauthentic - for instance, the Blur album that came out this year (remember that? me neither). But with i/o, it all just feels completely effortless - Peter Gabriel is now 73 but his voice has barely aged in 30 years, you could probably convince someone this was recorded back in the 90s. The only thing here that I didn't like as much here were a few of the slower, more ballad-y tracks; I thought 'So Much' was the weakest track for both sides of the album. However, overall, i/o is a fantastic project, and one that really showcases all the effort and creativity put into it over the years. The cover art weirds me out though. How is he doing that with his face?
Meitei - KofÅ« III / å¤é¢Ø III
A very abstract but interesting ambient project. I had listened to Meitei's first Kofū album back in 2020 and liked it quite a bit, though only recently realised a third or even a second had been released. Whoops! I don't quite think this one grabbed me as much as the first one did, and a few moments in the soundscape didn't land for me, particularly towards the start - but there are plenty of gripping moments here. 'Edogawa Ranpo' stood out to me for the way it builds up, and the way the structure of the beat subtly as it does; and the final track, 'Hiroshima', is a poignant and gorgeous note to end on.
Daneshevskaya - Long Is the Tunnel (EP)
Unfortunately didn't click much with this. Musically it's well-produced and performed - but the songwriting did very little for me. My favourite moment was when the strings came in during the final minute of 'Bougainvillea' - really bright and satisfying ending. Other than that, the rest of the songs just sort of blended together as one.
Further listening
As a special treat, here are some very nice Christmas songs:
- Fay Lovsky - 'Christmas Was a Friend of Mine'
This is an interesting one, there's three different parts to this: the atmospheric 'ahhh' chord fading in; the relaxed, warm verses and chorus; and then the jaunty, festive outro. - Pizzicato Five - '24 Decembre'
Very catchy, very lively. - The Blue Nile - 'Christmas'
An outtake from their album Hats. Everything the Blue Nile released was sublime, and this song is no exception. - Chris Squire & Alan White - 'Run with the Fox'
A very enigmatic prog-inspired Christmas song from Squire and White - both members of Yes - following the band's short split in 1981.
One that isn't strictly a Christmas song but could be if you stretch the definition is 'Walk Out to Winter' by Aztec Camera. The extended version adds a few synths at the start which makes it feel slightly more festive. It's absolutely worth it because it's a phenomenal song.
Welcome to The Mariospective! This is a section where I will review Mario games from bygone eras, from a time before I even existed. Specifically, my goal is to review every legacy Mario game on the Nintendo Switch Online service, from the humble beginnings of the Nintendo Entertainment System all the way to the Game Boy Advance, one Nintendo system at a time. My aim is to review these games on a monthly schedule, at least for now, though that may become harder as time goes on - but that's a problem for future Goombuigi to deal with. For the time being, I will be going through every NES Mario-related game on NSO, with each game covered in their own review. There's a bit of a hazy line on what counts as an NES Mario game (does Punch-Out!! count since it has Mario in it?), but ultimately, I narrowed it down to 14 titles:
- Donkey Kong
- Donkey Kong Jr.
- Mario Bros.
- Pinball
- Donkey Kong 3
- Wrecking Crew
- Super Mario Bros.
- Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels
- Super Mario Bros. 2
- Super Mario Bros. 3
- Dr. Mario
- NES Open Tournament Golf
- Yoshi
- Wario's Woods
These will be covered chronologically, starting with Donkey Kong and ending with Wario's Woods.
In addition, during my playthroughs of each game, I challenged myself not to use save states or rewind functionality of NSO, in order to get a more authentic experience and judge each game accordingly - otherwise, using save states and rewinds would remove a lot of the games' intended challenge. I also will be going for 100% in each game, in order to experience everything there is to experience about each one. In the older games, particularly ports of arcade games, there's the question of what counts as 100%. If such a game is meant to be infinitely replayable, it's impossible to reach a definitive end. Therefore, I decided that in such games, I would classify my playthrough as 100% once I experienced every unique stage in the game. A bit of an arbitrary metric, I will admit, but it's the best I could come up with. With all that preamble out of the way, I shall dig into the first Mario game ever - Donkey Kong!
| System | NES |
|---|---|
| Original Release Date |  July 15, 1983 June 15, 1986 October 15, 1986 N/A |
| Nintendo Switch Online Release Date | September 19, 2018 September 18, 2018 September 19, 2018 September 19, 2018 |
| 100% Criteria | Beat 100m and obtain the ending cutscene |
Overview
Donkey Kong is, without a doubt, one of the most influential titles in gaming history. After all, this is the game where Mario and Donkey Kong made their debut. This game is over 42 years old, and as such it hasn't aged the best (that'll be a case for a lot of games covered in this section), but to be fair, this was back when gaming was in its infancy. I've always found it weird that despite Mario being the protagonist of the game, he's not even in the title. Then again, Mario didn't even have a proper name back then! At the time, he was just known as āJumpmanā, and he wouldn't get his iconic name until his next game.
The original arcade version of Donkey Kong came out in 1981 in Japan and North America, however, I'll specifically be reviewing the NES version, since that's the one that's on Nintendo Switch Online. That version was released in Japan in 1983, and in North America and Europe in 1986. The story behind that game goes that Nintendo wanted to make a mark in the American market, and because the deal to make a Popeye game fell through, they tasked Shigeru Miyamoto with creating a game that would appeal to the market. A tall task to be sure, but it's safe to say that the game had more than succeeded.
Story
This game's story is quite different from your typical Mario game. The story is that the titular Donkey Kong, who is actually Mario's pet ape, rebels against Mario by kidnapping his then-girlfriend Pauline, who is known in game simply as "Lady". Rather than being the plumber we all know and love, Mario is a carpenter in this game, and he pursues Donkey Kong through the construction site that he presumably works at, while Donkey Kong wreaks havoc.
Gameplay
Let's get into the main part - the gameplay. Considering that Donkey Kong originated in arcade cabinets, the game has elements of arcade games from the time, such as an infinite high score based gameplay loop rather than a definitive ending, encouraging players to spend more quarters in order to improve their high score. A system that worked well in arcades to be sure, but less so on the NES, where the game can be played with no restrictions. Considering that this game is a simple port, though, and factoring in the limitations of the NES, I can understand why they kept the infinite gameplay system in place. The game only has three levels after all, which can be beaten in less than five minutes even for an average player, so an infinite gameplay loop does add some replay value. Not to mention that at the time, before games like Super Mario Bros. came out, a gameplay structure like that was the norm for the videogame industry.
At its core, Donkey Kong consists of three stages through which Mario needs to platform in order to stop Donkey Kong's shenanigans and save his girlfriend. This was actually the first videogame ever to feature jumping, which is why Mario was nicknamed Jumpman at the time. Compared to the Super Mario games, though, the jumping is very limited, and somewhat finicky to control. What also threw me off when I first played was the very short fall distance that Mario could tolerate. Unlike later Mario games, where Mario can fall from any height and won't hurt a muscle, if he falls from any height taller than his own in this game, he instantly dies. The controls in this game are generally pretty slippery, a common theme amongst other games of this age, and was simply a product of its time. However, it does result in a learning curve that I had to get comfortable with. It doesn't help that the game throws me into the first level with zero introduction to its mechanics, so they all need to be learned through hands-on experience, or the manual. That resulted in some weird first few play sessions for me. But once the learning curve is overcome and the game gets rolling, it's straightforward enough and fundamentally fun to play.
While each stage has their own contextual enemies and mechanics, there are some that appear across multiple or all stages. The ladders are one of them, which are Mario's way of moving vertically, since his jump is very limited. Pauline's purse and parasol are optional collectibles in 75m and 100m, with her parasol appearing twice in 100m, for some reason. These items don't do anything other than give Mario extra points, so if you're aiming for a high score or you just love Pauline, you'll want to collect these items. Lastly, there's the hammer, which is somewhat of an invincibility item. However, unlike, say, the Super Star or Mega Mushroom, it doesn't completely shield Mario, and, in fact, it restricts his movement to an extent. When equipped with a hammer, the player can defeat any enemy that comes their way, as long as the hammer hits them. If the enemy touches Mario from another side, even though he is equipped with the hammer, he will still die. In addition, Mario can't jump or climb ladders while using the item, which is especially a problem in 100m. Because of that, the hammer doesn't have too much of a purpose except for killing enemies, which is why I tend to avoid it unless I'm swarmed with enemies nearby. This power-up is very situational, and while that limits its usefulness, I do like the additional layer of strategy and decision-making that puts on the player. They have to decide whether to take the easy way out and be consequently limited in movement for a bit, or to continue on, with the trade-off of being more vulnerable to enemies.
As for its game modes, there isn't too much in terms of variety. Donkey Kong includes four selectable modes: 1-player Game A, 1-player Game B, 2-player Game A, and 2-player Game B. 1-player Game A is the standard mode that most people will likely select when playing through the game, and Game B is a harder version that ramps up the difficulty quicker, if you feel that Game A is too easy. 2-player mode is a "take turns" multiplayer, which I don't find very engaging, and I much prefer simultaneous multiplayer. The limitations of the time understably impacted this, and while the 2-player mode isn't of much interest to me, I'm glad the option is here at all for those who are interested in it.
Stages
The NES version of Donkey Kong includes three stages, titled 25m, 75m, and 100m, which are cycled through infinitely. Essentially, once the player completes the last stage and "defeats" Donkey Kong, the game loops back to 25m and the overall difficulty level increases. The arcade version actually has four stages, but due to the notorious NES limitations, only three made it to the NES port, while 50m, aka the cement factory, sadly went MIA. It's a shame too, as it looks to be a pretty unique stage with conveyors moving around the barrels of cement. The three stages that are in the NES version, though, are solid ones. Since there are only three, I'll go through them all.
25m is the first stage, with a simple layout consisting of slanted girders with ladders connecting them, which Mario has to traverse to reach the goal at the top platform. Regular ladders can be used to advance to the next level, whereas broken ladders cannot be traversed. All the while, Donkey Kong throws barrels, which can have very unpredictable movements. I've noticed that's a general theme with the enemies in this game, as you never quite know whether the barrels will roll down the ladders or down the platforms. I've had plenty of times where I climbed up a ladder, thinking it was safe, only to be proven wrong by a barrel rolling down and killing me. The player always has to keep on their toes as a result, which can make the game stressful, challenging, and at times almost unfair, but it also makes each playthrough different and a bit unique. But besides the enemies, 25m is a very simple layout, essentially just a mad dash to the top.
75m features a more complex layout, which demands more platforming to be executed. The stage begins with moving platforms which Mario has to time his jumps with, then some short platforms and ladders to get to the top platform where Donkey Kong is. All the while, some Fire enemies roam the ladders, and can sometimes block Mario's way, forcing him to wait for them to move out of the way. In addition, spring enemies, called Jacks, are thrown by Donkey Kong and Mario has to avoid them, which is tricky to do since they move so fast. Plus, Mario has to time his way to dodge them in order to climb to the top platform, and in my opinion, that's the most difficult part of the game. In later levels, the timing required to get past the Jacks is especially precise, it's a matter of milliseconds. What I like about this stage is the risk-reward strategy that it provides for platforming. If the player can time it well, they can skip a chunk of the stage by jumping from the rightmost moving platform to the one near the highest ladder, rather than to the bottom platform, which saves a good amount of time. However, if they miss the jump, they'll be met with death.
Lastly, there's 100m, which, unlike the other stages, has the objective of Mario having to pull out each of the eight bolts holding the construction site together instead of just reaching the top, which provides for more interesting gameplay. Although the stage is simple, the somewhat random nature of the Fire enemies can make this one a tricky romp. I tend to find the Fire enemies in this stage pretty obnoxious, mainly because they tend to chase Mario and block him off from the bolts he needs to jump over. Consequently, the player will either have to go around or wait for the Fire enemies to move away in order to jump over the bolt. You can jump over them, but the timing is very precise, and they can easily turn around and make you jump into them instead of over them. As such, the risk can be too high, and more often than not I find myself dying to these enemies.
What impressed me the most with each stage, and what I learned to appreciate as I played through them, was the fact that there are multiple paths to complete each one. In 25m, you can choose whether to take the middle ladder and skip past some of the stage, or take the ladders closer to the edge. As I mentioned previously with 75m, well-timed jumps can skip a large portion of the platforming, and in 100m, the bolts can be dismantled in any order the player wishes, allowing for even more flexible gameplay. Each stage is more than what appears on the surface, incentivizing the player to explore and experiment to find an optimal strategy to clearing each one. It's not a groundbreaking level of depth, but for an arcade game released at the infancy of gaming, it's pretty impressive to me.
Presentation
For an early NES game, Donkey Kong looks pretty alright - definitely better than some of the other Donkey Kong ports. Despite that, the NES port was still restricted by the limitation of each sprite being able to have a maximum of three colors, which gives the arcade version the leg up in the graphical department. Aesthetically, the game looks good enough, and I like the recurring theme of a construction site used throughout the level design, from elements such as the girders and ladders to the naming convention of the stages. In terms of sound, like most arcade games, there's not much music to be found here other than the opening jingle and the few notes that play during each stage, and sound effects are the sole sound playing during the actual gameplay.
Conclusion
Donkey Kong is a classic title that played a major role in the conception of the Mario franchise and the evolution of Nintendo, and as such it deserves to be remembered. However, it has a lot of limitations because of its age, the biggest being its lack of replayability. It's a fun game that anyone can pick up and play, but probably won't be entertained with for more than a handful of minutes. The game suffers from limited repetition due to its low count of stages, which is even worse in the NES version. However, I'll give the game credit for it's innovation regarding gameplay, because although limitations such as Mario's short jump height and fall distance present a learning curve which current players might need to get used to, it has decent controls, and in a way, served as a stepping stone for future platformers in the Mario franchise. What surprised me about this game is the amount of strategy present in each stage. It doesn't seem so on the surface, but there are a lot of decisions needed to be made while traversing each stage. Each stage has multiple ways to traverse them, which definitely increases the replay value, and encourages the player to learn each stage thoroughly and find the best optimal route, especially if they're going for a high score. Sure, the mechanics are basic compared to the games of today, but for a 42-year old game, I certainly didn't expect the game to have as much strategy as it did.
If you like retro games or Mario history, I'd recommend giving Donkey Kong a try, at least for one playthrough. Chances are, you'll probably have some fun with it, even if you're a bit frustrated by the controls. The game may not sustain your interest for longer than a few rounds, but it is no doubt a well designed game, as its gameplay philosophy still holds up in certain areas today. It's certainly not unplayable, and despite its extreme limitations both from the time period and from the NES version being essentially inferior to the arcade version, has some solid gameplay.
I hope that you enjoyed my review of Donkey Kong! Next issue, I will take a look at its sequel, Donkey Kong Jr. See you next month, and I wish you happy holidays!
Written by: Hypnotoad (talk)
Featuring Art by: Toadbert101 (talk)
Eggnog
A fatal flaw with acquiring different eggnogs is that they are entirely available only from October through December, maybe pushing those borders a few days, directed to be pulled from shelves swiftly after December 25th, and can be extremely regional. Itās not easy for me to take willy-nilly trips in the 4th quarter for the purpose of tasting effectively the same handful of ingredients in a slightly different combination, and having them shipped cross country to me is simply not an option on a store or manufacturer level, with having local friends ship them to me promising to become an arduous and complicated task regarding proper refrigeration, costly fees, and fragility. What I must rely on instead is the slow expansion of regional brands into larger or national brands, and when I see that happening I immediately have to spend an entire paycheck on a review to do right away, and here we are today.
An actual great place to see all of the possible variety in types and brands is the Instacart page which does not discriminate location until youāre set to order.
Additionally, I will be bringing back the Anton-scale by Toadbert101 (talk) from the huge eggnog review series I did a while back because what's a šāļø festive šš season without Mariah?
Kalona SuperNatural Organic Classic Eggnog
I never thought Iād see this one, at least not without an explicit trip to Des Moines or Chicago for it, which, well, is not exactly out of character for me anymore, is it? Either way I have tried their regular milk already, and have thoughts stored for it in a later milk review, but I can say that Iām pleased with it and was rather shocked and excited to see that it was available all the way in Florida. It seemingly was bought with a limited quantity on store level because I only ever saw it stocked once in mid-November and then remained as a hole on the shelf since, so Iām glad Iām just always going to every store in the area in constant rotation looking for new and weird things.
Kalona Creamery is under the umbrella of Open Gates Group, which operates various farm and food-related businesses with the goal to support locally midwestern products through all stages of production and sale, focusing on small family farms. Their mission to grow organic and local (sustainable) food supply chains, and those goals can be seen in the values put into their product: āReal eggs and spices, non-homogenized (cream top milk), grass-fed cows, low-temp pasteurized, no stabilizers, small family farms, regenerative farming methods, USDA Certified Organic, Kosher Certifiedā, as well as using Fair Trade ingredients. The only thing that scares some people is the ānatural flavorsā part of the rum flavoring, eh, indulge a little in lifeās mysteries. One reason this one excited me is because itās a non-homogenized milk, meaning that the cream separates out leaving a layer of thicker dairy on top if you let it settle, and with chunks of it floating around that you gotta shake up extremely hard if you want to be free of those.
The chunks are visible, as I expected and desired, and Iām pleased to see thick sediment in the bottom that one would only find otherwise in lake beds as it adds good flavor and just really adds to the visual and overall enjoyment, such as how violently I had to shake the bottle to unlodge all the goop. The milk itself isnāt the only non-homogenous aspect, as the liquid is thin enough, due to the non-fat milk separating from the cream, the spices settle rather quickly making drinking it very uneven as it transitions from smooth and mild to fuzzy and strong as each gulp moves down the glass; a little irritating, perhaps, but to someone looking for a clear sign of the real deal this is the ideal. The thickness of this varies due to the simple nature of it being non-homogenized, with it leaning watery with clumps hitting your lips (or splashing into a glass) if you donāt bother to shake it, or a medium-thick you can imagine as a little heavier than a standard chocolate milk. Itās not at the super-thick level that so many people act like they need to experience to survive another winter, but honestly with all of the homemade eggnogs I have personally made I never achieved anything approaching a milkshake, nonetheless a pudding, so Iām really not bothered by that as the Kalona is still noticeably heavy. Having to shake it so hard creates a significant amount of bubbles with no time to let them dissolve on their own because by that time the eggnog has separated again, which does make it less beginner-friendly. Every other review I read of this seems to be more excited that thereās no carrageenan or gums, or that you can pronounce the ingredients which like Iām sure you can pronounce carrageenan just fine so does that make it good now?? But something different about this one that does it for me is the addition of rum flavoring; it makes this different, sets it apart, and I feel is a vastly overlooked addition to non-alcoholic versions of eggnog. Itās this that pushes the Kalona eggnog over the edge into tasting like a ārealā homemade eggnog, and becomes something currently so unique and interesting in the market that I believe everyone should give a shot to reset their standards for what to expect from high quality eggnogs and food in general. Simple and delicate touches do a lot more than heavy-handed forced nonsense, chefās kiss.
Just a word of warning to anyone looking to try this based on my recommendation, do be wary that Iām not kidding when I say thereās chunks in there. Itās normal, natural, and intended, and honestly tastes fine; it will just take some getting used to, and if you can handle tapioca balls in boba tea then this is much less jarring.
Organic Valley Reduced Fat Eggnog
When I was doing my original eggnog review back at the end of 2021 the Organic Valley Eggnog was unavailable as it was not being produced due to a supply issue with butterfat, leaving me understandably upset as it regularly charted high on many best eggnog lists. Imagine my reaction walking through the store and I saw this, in a convenient supply-issue-compliant reduced fat version!! Brand officers claim that this new recipe is preferred by consumers, but without the raw data in front of me I can only assume itās preferred because itās available at all, and thatās good enough for me to start.
The bottle insists that itās creamy and delicious, which is rather ballsy as I know I did not write that and they are not me, so how can they present a subjective as an objective? Lucky for them itās incredibly good. All of the notes of eggnog that so many fail to achieve, or rather neglect due to thinking itās not necessary, are hereātexture, thickness, spice, smell, taste. Wonderful air of sensations, subtle but permeating, immediately and forcibly astral projecting me into the Christmas Town of The Nightmare Before Christmas and helping me to understand Jackās infatuation. Smooth and rich feel with a satisfying heaviness to it that doesnāt weigh down your stomach enough to keep you from drinking more as a nog that uses whole milk might, convincing me and proving to others that a low-fat version is not only possible but still able to provide the indulgent dessert-leaning feel. Their own website, at least at the time of writing this section, has more negative reviews than positive with 100% of the negative ones demanding the original recipe back, decrying that the reduced fat version is horrible, a catastrophe, a āsad endingā, with a concerning amount of them directly admitting that they never even tried the product yet decided to leave a 1-star review because they read the other 1-star reviews. All of these comments are bewildering to me because itās not noticeable at all to me, someone who has consumed dozens and dozens of eggnog varieties, that this is low-fat. Direct commentary on a negative review verifies my initial hypothesis as to why this is reduced fat:
Many reviews claim that this new version is thin, watered down, ālike drinking 2% milk with some nutmeg flavored syrup addedā. What kind of perfection was the original? How thick was it? Could I seal the cracks in my bathtub liner with it? How entitled are these people in the rest of their lives to be making such vitriolic commentary, and what I perceive as hyperbolic falsehoods for dramatic effect, over a change that in my subjective-but-realistic stance is still one of, if not THE, best product currently on market?āIt is true that some people who loved the old Organic Valley Eggnog recipe notice a slight difference in taste compared to the reduced fat recipe, which is likely what you are experiencing. After conducting both internal and external consumer taste testing, we found that overall consumers preferred the new recipe which features the same ingredients as our previous eggnog. For background, we made the switch to this new recipe to ensure our cooperative has the butterfat needed for other products while still being able to make this fan favorite.ā
1 out of 5 stars. Major Frustrated Ā· 2 months ago Listen to Your Customers!
I, like so many others, have waited 2 years for your egg nog to hit the shelves again. And I am SOOOO glad I read the reviews before forking out the extra $$ to get good egg nog. I will NOT be purchasing it. I do not a watered-down version of egg nog! You best listen to your consumers on this and restore the original formula to the shelves. Egg nog is a "special treat" for all of us at holiday time, and we don't mind the extra fat and calories for a seasonal splurge. Please bring back the original egg nog!!!!
1 out of 5 stars. Daphne Ā· a month ago WHY?
Holiday tradition, DESTROYED!! Our family was so excited to see the eggnog, again. Then we tasted it. AWFUL:( The original eggnog was not just excellent tasting, but a close reminder of the eggnog that our grandmothers would make. If we wanted some low fat, corporate food tasting "holly nog", the stores are already filled with those options. PLEASE bring back the original and NEVER make this again.
I have no idea what gutter runoff you guys drank (if you even actually tried it at all) but it clearly was not the Organic Valley Reduced Fat Eggnog and I think maybe youāre just making a baseless reaction to a change in a way Iām sure you handle the rest of living in reality, you need to examine your own selfish existence to understand that your way of thinking is the same one that resulted in the annihilation of much of our food industry that has resulted in the situation that caused for the change, but also realize that without this change we would just have another year without this brand. Buy it or don't, but accept the reality we are in and if it's so necessary for your eggnog to have such thickness and fat in it that you can seal the holes you've punched in your drywall over this then feel free to make your own, it's remarkably easy. What horrible, obtuse, childish brats you all are.1 out of 5 stars. Julie Ā· a month ago This "new" eggnog is SAD
I was really excited that the OG Valley eggnog was back, but I'm just destroyed by how bad it is compared to the splendid OG Valley eggnog of before. It's worse than "new coke" compared to old coke.
It's horrifically sweet, with a cloying, nasty aftertaste that the original never had, without the distinct flavor of good nutmeg.
Instead of being the panacea to my seasonal affective disorder, as the "old" recipe once was, this just makes me even more "SAD."
Please, please, please bring back the old recipe. This stuff is awful.
Elmhurst OatNog
Seeing this in stores genuinely filled me with a sense of excitement, as I had searched for this since its launch in 2021 only to find it available for online purchase only (in my area, at least), if available at all in its limited quantities. It was this trifecta of Kalona, Organic Valley, and Elmhurst that I knew, though I had another plan currently being worked on, I must do an eggnog review again and I must do it right now. Elmhurst 1925 utilizes a HydroRelease method to get their various alternative milks, relying on this to keep a rich and creamy texture that I guess they thought would qualify for thick eggnog, too. The description of this method on their site is a very simple āwe uhhhh put the nuts or whatever in some water, wait until it turns into soggy mush, then we uhhhhh put it in a bottleā. The process also has a website that goes into a little more detail that explains this method utilizes the natural emulsifiers in the plants, but ultimately explains nothing at all so I am left to assume that theyāve copyrighted and trademarked just letting things sit in water for a while. Luckily the patent US7678403B2 is excruciatingly clear on the subject in the abstract and so on further down:
So yeah, plop some chunks into a slop and turn it into mush, really sophisticated, but Iāll hand it to them that the process is zero-waste with any waste being converted into renewable hydroelectric energy that then helps power this process.A method comprising selection of unbroken whole grain rice that are first washed, or whole grain corn that is first reduced in size, and then making an aqueous slurry that is subsequently wet milled to release all the protein, fat, fiber, and starch components normally held in the structure of the grain. The resulting slurry can be reacted with heat to gelatinize the starch and the subsequent product dried. Also, the heated slurry containing the liberated components can be treated to enzymatic hydrolysis via the process of liquefaction and optionally saccharification, producing whole grain rice milk products having diverse carbohydrate compositions. The whole grain milk products are characterized by a nutritional composition containing substantially all the nutritional components of the whole grain, being an opaque whole milk colloid, having smooth texture versus pulpiness, lacking in all bitterness normally associated with whole grain products, and having a variety of sweetness levels from non-sweet to very sweet.
Long story short, itās basically cinnamon-flavored milk, just, not milk. It has the consistency of chocolate milk more than anything, and not even a decent whole milk chocolate milk, or even 2%, but a pathetic 1% watered down soupy chocolate milk. It boasts that thereās no gums, oils, or carrageenanāwhich is the specific ingredient that gives chocolate milk its telltale consistency and keeps cocoa powder homogenized in the fluid rather than precipitating to the bottomābut I really wish there were, I wish it had extra, I wish there were an alternative dairy product that marketed itself as being filled to the brim with gummy goop because maybe then Iād respect these all as serious contenders for replacing dairy milk in any 1:1 context. With the ingredients only containing filtered water, whole grain oats, cashews, cane sugar, natural flavors, and salt, there just needs to be some kind of emulsifier or thickener to accomplish any tangible egg nogginess, and hoping the oat and nut water is enough just doesnāt cut it. Yeah, yeah, itās rich and creamy like the bottle says, but to attach ānogā to it is honestly an incredible stretch of truth and horrific injustice that muddies the waters and sullies a set standard to ease people into thinking itās ok to call something that it just completely isnāt. Itās cinnamon milk, just call it cinnamon milk.
Something strange happens, though, at the bottom of the bottle, several days after youāve opened it, as if an aging refinement process takes effect that I will casually ignore as possibly being spoilage or decomposition. The flavor becomes more nuanced and takes the form of what I immediately thought of as ābreakfast for dinnerā; the oat flavor becomes more apparent, but is thankfully cut from being too powerfully oaty with the inclusion of cashews. From this I will take the lesson that sometimes food is better when itās had time to expire a littleāleftover fans rejoice. The thickness never comes, though, and I think is a characteristic long forgotten in place of using ānogā as a synonym for cinnamon.
Sugarlands Kellogg's Eggo-Nog Appalachian Sippin' Cream
Waffle-inspired eggnog liqueur, with Eggo waffle imagery and logo design, how can I possibly not buy this? Hitting hard from the angle of nostalgia and turning a kid-breakfast into an adult indulgence, The Sugarlands website goes on to state that it contains āchurned cream, rum, cinnamon, and nutmeg flavors will have you feeling toasty all winter long.ā Thereās definitely alcohol, definitely cream, but absolutely not getting any eggnog or even the vaguely sweet bread flavor of waffle from it. It instead tastes more like a couple shots of cheap whiskey splashed into a bottle of gas station vanilla milk, and the color looks it, too; disappointing to me that this is meant to be rum-based but has absolutely no rum flavor that can easily be added artificially if they needed to. The creamy texture is there, in a way that feels like a velvety smooth rather than a matte finish, a good thickness to it that works for āsippināā but Iām curious how it wouldāve been as thick as the Verpoorten Advocaat egg liqueur I had a few years ago. It really doesnāt taste bad, it really doesnāt, but it's not worth the premium gimmick price I paid for it of $21.99 for a standard 750 ml; my biggest gripe is that itās not accurate to its labeling or branding, averting even the simplest expectation with providing an incredibly basic and honestly substandard cream liqueur. Iāll probably end up utilizing this as a mixer with other liquors or drinks because itās just too disappointing on its own.
This is significantly improved when sprinkling a little pumpkin spice into it, that touch of nutmeg and cinnamon is all it takes to bring it back into the realm of something that can lay some claim to being an eggnog, but still feels more like slurping actual nail polish remover than a liqueur. Adding a touch of whole milk maintains its already thin thickness, but mellows out the unwelcome and unnecessarily potent 40-proof alcohol flavor into something that feels like it belongs. Still not good, but those basic steps to improve it do so much
Sugarlands Distilling Co. has also recently released Eggo Brunch In A Jar Appalachian Sippinā Cream, which promises to taste like waffles and looks to be even less of a gimmick than the Eggo-Nog they released a year ago, except that it is meant to be year-round and not seasonal. What Iām confused with is how this one is supposed to be different, to have less spices, seasonings, flavor.
Bolthouse Farms Holiday Nog
Bolthouse Farms is a brand I see dominating the produce department in many stores, filling the drink, dressing, and vegetable cases. Theyāre most prominently known for their smoothie-like drinks that serve a variety of well-displayed health benefits like energy, immunity, and protein, and through that stained glass is how they see eggnog should be.
It is an abomination.
First offense is that itās in an enormous 52 fl oz container thatās really unwieldy and is a massive commitment that I know Iāll regret. The disgusting thickness is made clear to be purely faked with additives because despite it appearing and feeling smooth and full it tastes bland and watery, a dichotomy thatās far from harmonious and just makes me question why a product thatās positioning itself as the healthy choice has to load up on mimics when a simplified and traditional recipe can do the job. Don't get me wrong, I love a good gob of carrageenan in chocolate milk and all, but when it's also your primary source of texture rather than just functioning as an emulsifier it becomes the primary taste, too. The flavor leans away from traditional eggnog spices and warmth, and more into the carrot juice that provides that telltale vegetable flavor that poisons so many modern alternative dairy products in the name of high-tech health. Thereās no nutmeg or cinnamon spice smell to it and instead just smells sour, like itās rotten. The vanilla flavorāthatās last on the ingredient listāis provided from āexhausted vanilla bean materialsā which is a waste byproduct of making vanilla extract and exists more for presentation than flavor. They really wanted to highlight the carrots more than anything. I will concede that as it aged in my fridge over the week the dash of nutmeg comes through a little more, but the texture just feels more slimy and the smell more rotten.
Healthy, itās healthy, itās the healthy choice, eggnog but healthy, healthy, healthy option, healthy choice. I donāt know about you guys, but when I grab a dessert drink I donāt particularly put health benefits front and center, nor do I really care at all about it, but thatās all anyone can say good about this. This particular review irks me because it gets defensive, saying ā(...)I note that several of the reviews are critical because it doesnāt taste like egg nog, but note: it isnāt egg nog.ā Well, itās still called a ānogā, and still contains egg yolks, and while it may not have all of the proper proportions with that being information I cannot verify myself without digging into trade secrets, but it contains enough ingredients to qualify and identify it to a layman as an eggnog; the issue is what else it has in there. This uses 2% milk with eggs being pretty low on the ingredient list, so there's not much there to make it thick except a significant amount of (natural) gums and emulsifiers that would send any modern health-conscious individual running scared, for valid reason or not. All it really seems to achieve towards being āhealthyā is itās low in fat and cholesterol, which are things you can avoid completely with any of the plethora of vegan eggnogs that now seemingly outnumber regular varieties, so I really see no reason for this to exist from a consumer standpoint and just a corporate one that ticks a box for seasonal flavors.
Itās amazing to me to see that thereās so many extremely negative reviews of this, going back nearly a decade, speaking deliciously poorly of this, but unfortunately the paid review article wheel spins its deception to churn out only salable positivity as painfully as possible. Take a look at this review that concludes by saying, without any hint of irony, that the Bolthouse Farms Holiday Nog would be better if you cut it by half with a better and true eggnog, or by drowning it out with rum, that itās not bad it just needs to be anything else. Other reviews list this as being a great choice if you want eggnog but donāt want to gain weight, and I find issue with that on two fronts: one being that I donāt think you should be concerned about health when consuming eggnog as the correct option for healthy eggnog is none at all and true indulgence is what the spirit of the season is all about, and second is that the Organic Valley Eggnog does low-fat so much better in such an unnoticeable way. As a side note, reviews that round up over a dozen items and only post results for what they deemed the best of several categories while limiting anything negative said about them to a couple technicalities they excuse while also completely ignoring and not posting other items should be rendered illegal by any truly moral and just society.
All I am thankful for with trying this is it providing such an unpleasurable experience that I did not sicken myself further with extra gulps throughout the week to have further thoughts come to focus, and for allowing me to find a meticulously curated and attended-to review site for food and other things for me to spend a disproportionate amount of time reading. In conclusion, I can hardly say it any better than 5 Minute Eats:
"Can you imagine, you bring this to your holiday party?" āPeople are gonna stuff you in a bag and beat you to death."
Malk Almond Holiday Nog
The antithesis to the Bolthouse Farms Holiday Nog has got to be Malkās version. Many virtues this one carries as itās what makes the entire brand of Malk appealing: no gums, no dairy, no fillers, no binders, no gluten, no carrageenan, no oils, USDA-certified organic, glyphosate-residue free; just filtered water, organic almonds, organic maple syrup, organic nutmeg extract, and himalayan pink salt. Basically no difference between this and their regular Almond Malk, just the little bit of nutmeg extract being the difference and Iām not sure that thatās all it takes to qualify.
So basically none of that is accurate. Well, itās accurate where he says that it remains true to Malkās mission of offering products with clean ingredients, but is deceptive in that it has so few ingredients that yeah it absolutely does sacrifice the quality and taste as it absolutely does not offer anything nostalgic or āholiday beverageā. Itās healthier because it removes absolutely everything that makes an eggnog an eggnog, with the only attempt being the nutmeg thatās merely just an extract and hardly noticeable at all past the stronger maple syrup sweetness. The only thickness present is what's already from almond milk, and I just think that a brand that makes its whole shtick vegan, no dairy, no gums, no fillers, no binders, no carrageenan should also have no business making a faux-eggnog."With our new Holiday Nog, we are excited to offer consumers a nostalgic, classic holiday beverage in a healthier format that they can feel great about drinking." said MALK's CEO, Jason Bronstad. "Our Holiday Nog remains true to MALK's mission to offer products with the uncompromisingly cleanest ingredients possible that do not sacrifice quality and taste."
A curious detail in researching general opinion on this is thereās a lot of talk about how ācleanā this is, with consistency that mirrors official PR that has me suspecting a less-than-sophisticated review-stuffing operation; that, or they have a market base thatās easily brainwashed into parroting buzzwords. Clean eating is roughly defined as eating foods that are as close as possible to their natural state, and not how similar it is to featureless water as many think it to be. Limited processing, nothing artificial, and depending on how hardcore of a clean eater you want to be then eliminating whole food groups like wheat and dairy. Using organic nutmeg extract, rather than just ground nutmeg, works in flavor of this ācleanā appeal as it limits the potential visual and physical graininess, but removes a really important aspect of eggnog. I get being ācleanā but arenāt there any natural emulsifiers or thickeners that you can use, or have you already scared everyone off from all of them with pseudoscientific fears of vaguely defined and unquantifiable āinflammationā? Tapioca, arrowroot, xanthan gum, olive pit powder, go ahead and charge another $1 because Iām sure people who are already paying $6.99 for this are also people who arenāt going to blink at $7.99 and if it makes it a better product then please do it, please! Itās fine to not have things like gellan gum and dipotassium phosphate in your product as people with kidney and digestive problems do need to have somewhere to go to avoid certain things, but having it be a central brag thatās aimed at everyone in a tone that indicates theyāre bad for everyone is just icky marketing. Malk used to sell a pecan holiday nog that managed to have vanilla flavor, along with cinnamon and nutmeg that were actually there and not just extracts, and I wouldāve liked to try it out had I been aware of it at the time, but to answer a review that Iām sure set the trajectory for company decisions regarding the question of āTo that end, its similarities to real eggnog are pretty limited, with the spices really being the only thing to bridge the gap. Thatās fine by us; does anyone really want a nut milk clone of eggnog?ā Yes, me, I want a nut milk clone of eggnog, give that to me.
Overall this doesnāt taste bad, and if you donāt mind almond flavor and a little saltiness then this is actually pretty good, thereās just absolutely nothing to this that makes it a ānogā of any kind except that the bottle says so and is objectively decorated for Christmas with the Santa hat and ornament garland despite being vaguely named āHolidayā. What this has convinced me is to abide by Malkās own suggestion to #turnitaround and check the label to see if thereās anything even included in the ingredients to constitute a finished product that achieves what it claims to be and make it a worthwhile experience. The nutmeg flavor comes out so much more pronounced when using this in cereal as a milk replacement, which may be why they recommend this in shakes, coffee, and cooking, along with covering up for how relatively watery this is to any respectable nog. My takeaway from this is that this could and SHOULD replace their regular almond milk, which, while I did not hate it, this one is just a better experienceāless salty, less mealy, more cohesive flavor, just minimizes the issues I had originally.
As of writing this, on December 9th, 2023, perhaps a few days earlier than I discovered it, the link to Malkās Holiday Nog was removed from their website, with only a small blurb a few scrolls down their main page serving as acknowledgment, as well as being listed as unavailable at every store I could previously find it. Earlier, the product locator on the site had a message stating that the Malk Almond Holiday Nog, despite information from the Destini product locator service, is available at all locations that stock other Malk products, but the only place I can see it anymore is on their account where theyāve made dozens of posts and a whole highlight reel of social media influencers getting the PR box and appear to be basically the only people whoāve gotten any because itās quickly gone out of stock at every store and is now the only comment people keep making. This means either it became super popular, or store managers did not expect any of it to sell, perhaps a bit of both but either way is really bad for sales so Iām looking forward to next year with stores being massively overstocked with it.
Thatās it for this year, and I'm looking forward to what 2024 brings! I have a whole bunch of ideas in store, as well as continuations of expansive selections like milks, chocolate bars, holiday specials, silly things, with room to fill with whatever I experience and discover along the way. You guys now have about one week to scrape up whatever eggnog is left in stores before itās all pulled, but, with these all being tied to a short seasonal window, Iām compelled to purchase all of these at the same time because thereās a good chance I wonāt see some of them a second time until the following year, and my fridge is only so large and shared with another person so I invite all of you to come spend New Yearās at my place to help exhaust my remaining eggnog stores.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 201 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes ā¢ The 'Shroom Spotlight ā¢ End-of-the-Year Awards ā¢ Director Election |
| Features | Fake News ā¢ Fun Stuff ā¢ Palette Swap ā¢ Pipe Plaza ā¢ Critic Corner ā¢ Strategy Wing |
