The 'Shroom:Issue 176/Fake News
Director Notes
This is not a particularly special issue. As a break between 175 and our holiday special, 177, I do hope you enjoy our standard selection of sections. As per usual, you should check out the sign up page if you are interested for writing for the paper. We do, however, have two special guest sections in the form of News Flush, this time written by Waluigi Time (talk) and Long John Spaghetti (talk). I'm sure you'll find lots to love with them too.
Section of the Month
A big congratulations go out to writers new and old! GBAToad (talk) and Flygon64 took first and third last month with the debut editions of Horrorscopes and The Big Cheeses of the Mushroom Kingdom, respectively, with long-time TV Tomorrow writer getting second. Thank you for supporting writers who have been with us for years and who have just started alike with your votes!
| FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Horrorscopes | 15 | 30.61% | GBAToad |
| 2nd | TV Tomorrow | 9 | 18.37% | Quizmelon |
| 3rd | The Big Cheeses Of The Mushroom Kingdom | 8 | 16.33% | Flygon64 |
Written by: Walter G. Timeson
Marine Biologists Make Waves, Again:
Continuing in a series of controversial debates and decisions, the world of marine biology is once again trying to reclassify another fish. This time around, all eyes are on the Blurp, though what makes this particular case notable is the bizarre circumstances behind it. The new proposal seeks to reclassify the Blurps living in the River Forest as Cheep Cheeps, while still recognizing Blurps elsewhere as a unique species. This debate can be traced back to the writings of relatively unknown ecologist I. M. Rong, who visited the River Forest in 2019 to study the impacts of the notorious Magikoopa Kamek flooding it with his magic. Although the forest's marine life consisted almost entirely of Blurps, Rong referred to them as Cheep Cheeps in all of their reports. It should be noted that Blurps are fairly rare, with populations mostly being concentrated around Dinosaur Land and Vibe Island, leading to speculation that Rong, being inexperienced at the time, was simply unaware of them entirely and mistook them for Cheep Cheeps.
The movement has gained little traction due to the lack of scientific evidence behind the claim, but it is yet another instance of the marine biology field garnering an unusual amount of attention. Readers may remember, for example, previous debates which resulted in the reclassifications of Flopsy Fish, Piscatory Petes, and Bubs, which were up to that point recognized as distinct from Cheep Cheeps, as well as the recent reclassification of Boss Bass as Big Cheep Cheeps, and years of failed attempts to reclassify Cheep Chomps as Boss Bass beforehand. Many of these decisions have been described as "baffling" by experts, fish enthusiasts, and seafood restaurant owners alike, and there are still those in the field who vehemently disagree with them to this day.
We reached out to famed Mushroom Kingdom biologist W. P. Hoodington for comment on the matter:
It's a bit concerning, I have to say. I have no doubt that this movement will fail. We have conducted thorough studies on the Blurps native to the River Forest and have concluded that there is no basis to consider them as a different species from Blurps found elsewhere, so it really doesn't hold water. Heh heh. Um, yes, anyway, what I find concerning is the unusual devotion of this group of biologists to Dr. Rong's work when it contradicts scientific data. Rather than admit there was a mistake made, they are instead embarking on this ridiculous campaign. Frankly, the notion that Blurps could be classified as ordinary Cheep Cheeps is absurd, for one thing, they have-
At that point I stopped writing down what he said. While this movement seems unlikely to be the cause of any real change, this reporter speculates that it is far from the last time we will be hearing from the field of marine biology. We will keep you notified of any further developments. This has been Walter G. Timeson reporting for The 'Shroom, and I am now out of time.
Written by: Long John Spaghetti (talk)
The Official Lewis
Waluigi Time Cereal Factory Overrun by Mafia, Economy in Shambles
Late last month, rumors were circulating that a mafia was invading the "beloved" Waluigi Time Cereal Factory. Given the recent influx of mafia activity, everybody was scared shitless. These rumors were recently confirmed, as the factory is now under the control of the mafia known as "The Cereal Killers".
A handful of people were sent to investigate the threat, but all are either dead or missing. Among those presumed deceased are NBA athlete LeBron James, ace detective Shmaluigi, and Al McWiggin, owner of Al's Toy Barn. Police forces are searching for the missing at this time.
We reached out to Waluigi Time himself for a comment on this tragedy. Unfortunately, we did not get any response back from him.
Also related is the closure of the Bank of Kelloggs. The decision to close the bank was directly related to the mafia activity, and as such, many people have lost their life savings due to this event. Here's what one angry customer had to say:
"WHERE'S MY KELLOLLARS"
Honestly, why don't we just boycott Waluigi Time Cereal? Seriously!
I'm Lewis reporting for The Offical Lewis. Have a good one!
The Odyssey of a Squid
Written by: Ninja Squid (talk)
A VISIT TO ROGUEPORT
Day 10
Yawn
Sorry journal, dealing with night patrols can be overwhelming in the long run, and when I say that, I mean it's boooooring. Whatever I am doing, there's nothing worthwhile happening, because the rogues we are actually trying to find are always ahead of us one way or another, and well, there is actually a good reason for that. A few things took Ms. Mowz and I by complete surprise.
Do you remember the patrol squad we set up? Well, during our investigation, we have discovered that some people that were helping us were not helping us actually. They were working with the rogues! At first, we were not exactly sure how many of them were traitors, but after a little investigation done by Ms. Mowz herself, she easily reduce the number to four possible candidates, we just had to find who it was among us. Gotta say real quick in here, if you are considering doing an investigation game, please don't bring Ms. Mowz to it, she'll completely break the game real quick. What am I talking about? Please, don't question it journal, just don't.
Anyway, with this information in hand, we were able to take a watch under anyone who we felt were suspicious, such as someone acting strange, or someone just completely falling under the radar. Together, and alongside the innocent members of the patrol squad, we thought the case was in the bag. Well, it actually became something more complicate than what we thought at first, unfortunately. It kinda started pretty badly for us with one of our members falling pretty quickly by a hammer attack. Rude! Funnily enough, some people just never realize they were with us, yikes. We couldn't properly find the suspect for this case, so it just remained unresolved for now sadly. I was skeptical of the patrol squad, and after this murder happened, I was having a feeling of disappointment and thought that we would never be able to solve this case. "If only that Rogueport Restoration Committee was actually working for the benefit of the port town" I was thinking. No seriously, it was enough to make me frustrated by our lack of resources and me sticking into the comedy role of Sticky Warrior was not helping at all.
Do you know what? Me being angry and venting out might have been helpful in some way. It was almost like my frustration was being heard, because things took a turn for the better. Yeah, that's right! We were able to find out one of our miserable traitors, thanks to the hard work of everyone in the patrol squad! Therefore, I had to admit that the squad was more competent than I thought. Although, come to think of it, that was the night right before the explosion that destroyed the Trouble Center. Yeah, the same Trouble Center that we used as our HQ. Sadly, in a case of collateral damage, it also killed Detective Duck, partner in justice of Detective Fulbright. Maybe, it was too soon to be joyful actually… Considering how Detective Fulbright felt, yeah…
Before keeping up with the latest events that I wish to tell you journal, I just can't go forward without a least mentioning the feeling of sadness the loss of Detective Duck affected us, and most importantly Fulbright who was almost inconsolable and absolutely not in a feeling to shout "IN JUSTICE WE TRUST!". I am going to tell you the truth journal, it was hard to watch. I spoke with Ms. Mowz about this delicate subject, and we came up with the idea of doing a ceremony for our fallen ones after would have rid the town of all these annoying bandits. I think it was the least we could do journal, and I have to admit that losing a detective was the most awful thing that could happen to us. I dunno what the nefarious rogues were thinking doing such an irrational move. This devious criminal had to pay for what he had done, and at least this is exactly what we were able to accomplish this time around. That is where it might truly have been the right time to have the joyful feeling. Right journal? Haha *ahem*, let's move on.
The way we got rid of the bandit… Hang on, I said we, but I was not there when the whole thing had happened in fact, as I was sleeping after another boring night patrol… What could be the right way to say this journal? Hmmm… Oh! Maybe, the way they got rid of the bandit? Yeah, that sounds right… Uh okay, I don't know why I keep writing this nonsense in here anyway… Just… Let’s forget about this okay?
The way they got rid of the bandit was quite unusual actually. When Ms. Mowz came here a little while ago, she told me about the fierce fight that took place at Podley's Place, the location with the bad inn… I mean… the location where they decided to use as the HQ for the squd since the Trouble Center was no longer in a state to welcome us as a matter of fact. Apparently, it all started when two of our squad members were bickering that the other one was lying to us all along about having access to Merlon's powers. I thought the whole story was too wacky to be the whole truth, but Ms. Mowz was sounding quite serious, so that had to be the truth. I cannot believe I wasn't there for all this comedy, and I am pretty sure it should have been very funny to watch. Why do I always have to miss the best moments? It is so frustrating…
Ms. Mowz continued her story, and it seems that the whole fight became so intense that the prosecutor named Godot decided to quit the squad after nobody began to believe him. It was when I told to Ms. Mowz that maybe these were situations we should try to prevent, as it would do us no good if we start to lose members simply because of disagreements. She told me that she agree with me, but what happened next was actually funny. She then told me that after the prosecutor left Podley's Place that she decided to follow him in secret, mainly because she wanted to make sure the guy was actually clean, but also because there was an annoying weirdo in there that just couldn't stop making eyes for her, and she was becoming irritated by it. *Sigh* I swear some people are just dumb on purpose…
What was funny is that the guy went into Zess T.'s kitchen, which was a terrible idea, because from what I gather from folks in the area, you don't mess with Zess T.. She has that kind of grumpy attitude that you certainly don't want to clash with, and it seems that Zess T. was actually in a worse mood than usual lately, which was not helping the situation here. The guy apparently caused havoc in the kitchen, and well, Zess T. came back while the guy was still in her kitchen. Whoops!
According to Mowz, Zess T. was mad, and maybe mad is too weak of a word to describe just how pissed she was. She grabbed Godot, and decided to lynch him in the main plaza of Rogueport in front of everyone. Nobody dared to stop her, which thinking on it might have been the right way to go here. The good news here is that Mowz told me that after the dude was lynched, she made some investigation and find out that Godot was actually one of our four traitors. Hooray for us!
On the other hand, it was still necessary for us to remain realistic. We still have two other traitors to get rid as soon as possible.
And… Oh! I have to go now journal, I must already prepared myself for another night patrol. Ugh… You know what, I think I am going to go and have a nice chat with that Shmaluigi guy in the meantime. If he was indeed telling us the truth about having access to Merlon's powers, then he should definitely be a very nice fellow, which is definitely not my way to say that I will closely be watching his every actions tonight, no, not at all.
That said, rest well journal, and stay fresh!
Written by: Maximumriley (talk)
Elected UnOfficials
Dear Cappy,
Help me! I’ve been turned into a Yoshi and the Mushroom Election is happening in five days, and I need you to help me win over the crowd! How can I do it?
Please help,
The Ocean King
Dear T. Ocean King,
Well, I don’t want to support a Yoshi in an election, but I guess I have to. The first thing I could think of is having Mario endorse you. This would be by making him think it is his Yoshi and then he could tell the audience about all your “selfless feats of heroism”, like saving him as a baby or being an extra platform for him to jump off of. The second thing I can think of is gerrymandering the Toads or enemies. You could definitely combine World 3-Hammer with World 3-Toad House 1, for example. The third option I have is to take up ads in The Shroom. Pipe Plaza isn’t busy, so plaster an ad there if you need to. My final option is for me to get Kamek to reverse your magic spell, so that you look like Mario again. Then all you’d have to do is say “It’s a me! King!” And you’d win. In any way, I hope you or Peach win.
Good luck with the voting,
Cappy
Gobble Gobble
Dear Cappy,
Hey, I need your help! Thanksgiving is in a couple of days, and we can't find Bowser a turkey! If we don't find it by then, we're all fired. Out of a cannon. So, can you find a suitable replacement for his dinner?
I hope you do,
Big Boo
Dear Big Boo,
I may not want to support Bowser in any situation, but I also don't want you minions to be shot out of a cannon, so I'll help! My first suggestion for a foodstuff is a Mushroom burger, as Mushrooms can be found very easily in Question-Mark Blocks. It may not be big enough though, so just use a bit of Mario Bros Plant Food and you will have a mushroom of massive proportions that you may not even find a bun big enough for. My second suggestion is a Yoshi Fruit Salad, as Yoshis are just starting to sniff out underground food for the winter. So just raid their food supply, and you'll have enough apples, Bulb Berries, Blimp Fruits, and Dash Peppers to make a really good salad fit for a king. My third suggestion is a Special Strawberry Cake, because it may remind Bowser of all the times he almost had Peach captive. This one may not be so fresh, but you could probably find the cake in Bowser's freezer from the failed wedding attempt, and it may still be good. If none of these options work, I know a guy who could give Bowser some really good donuts to compensate for a lack of main course.
Good luck,
Cappy
You'd Better Watch It Before You Freeze Your Goombas Off!
Dear Cappy,
Help me! I've been having some "little issues" with the cold weather here in the Mushroom Kingdom ever since the start of this well-needed vacation to World 4. And by "little issues" I mean having my leg be frozen in a block of ice! If I don't get something warm soon, I'll die of hypothermia because of my Metroid DNA, so can you help me?
Brrrr,
Samus Aran
Dear Samus,
Wow, your situation certainly looks dire, so I shall help! My first suggestion is to find a Bonneter like me and put it on your head to stay warm. You could also capture a Waddlewing, who is strong to the cold. I know a guy named Helmer that I could send your way, and he is very devoted to his job, so he may help. My next suggestion is to grab a Fire Flower and get some wood. Then you could make a campfire by launching a fireball at the wood, and then enjoy the warm comfort of the fire, solving the freezing to death problem. But you may burn alive with a Fire Flower, so we may need another option. As such, my final suggestion is to go to the Crazy Cap on the nearby mountaintop and get a Snow Suit. If you have difficulty getting up there, use your Space Jump or Shinespark to get up there quickly. In my experiences with the Snow Suit, I haven't frozen, so I hope you don't either!
Hope you keep warm,
Cappy
Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Welcome back to Mushroom Kingdom Smackdown, the only fighting tournament that comes up with questionably catchy taglines every month, even though other fighting tournaments might also do that, but I wouldn't know because I don't pay attention to any of them! I'm your always eloquent host, Waluigi Time. We have a pretty interesting matchup today, so let's waste no time and dive right in!
Our first contestant, coming all the way from a pile of goop that just showed up in the building one day, is the Goopy Gatekeeper, the Slimy Sprout, PROTO PIRANHA!
Proto Piranhas come in many different varieties, but the specimen we have here today is a black one, the strongest kind discovered! They don't do much to attack themselves, but they can summon Swoopin' Stus to give their foes a hard time as they struggle to deal with the goopy mess around them. Speaking of goop, if you try to clean it up, the black Proto Piranhas will just create more! Also, they're stretchy. I don't know how much that will do in combat but being stretchy is cool, and also it's kind of fun to say stretchy. Stretchy. Oh, and did I mention they can make entire buildings disappear in their goop puddles? In terms of defenses, their only known weakness is water directly in their mouths, and the black Proto Piranhas can even resist twice as much water as other colors.
There's only one person who can clean up a mess of this size! Oh yeah, you know who I'm talking about. Give a big round of applause to the Prince of the Pits, the Ruler of the Raceway, ANDREW TREGO!
I... I said give a big round of applause... I only heard like one person clap and I'm pretty sure that was actually just a cough. Maybe this guy needs more of an introduction than I thought.
Okay, so this is Andrew Trego, host of programs such as Mario Kart 8 From the Pit and The Play Nintendo Show! Does that ring any bells? ...No? Okay, so admittedly, maybe this guy is just a relative nobody from a less prosperous era people would prefer to forget, but we're putting him in anyway! Now you're probably thinking that this is just some ordinary human wearing a crew chief's uniform, and that he would get creamed by just about any opponent we can come up with here, but let me ask you. What does a Mario Kart Crew Chief have access to? That's right, items. Lots of items! Whether it's running around the ring at high speeds with a Dash Mushroom, chucking Spiny Shells or Banana Peels at his opponent, or even blaring a Super Horn, this guy has plenty of tricks up his sleeve. Are you sold yet?
That being said, my money's on the Proto Piranha. It's got a lot of defenses, and Trego's bag of tricks notably lacks water, so...
To start things off, Proto Piranha is just sitting there, swaying back and forth with that smug look of "ha ha, you can't touch me". At least that's my interpretation, it's kind of hard to tell when it doesn't have any notable facial features, and honestly I don't even know if Proto Piranhas think. Looks like it's up to Trego to start things off then, what will he do first? He pulls an Item Box out of his pocket that was definitely too large to fit in there. What will he get? It looks like... a Dash Mushroom! Andrew dashes straight toward Proto Piranha, but slips in the goop and falls down! He's able to regain his footing, but now he's covered in goop and tracking it around the ring. Will Proto Piranha mount a counterattack? It would appear not, it's still confident as ever.
What's next for Andrew? Okay, apparently he has yet another Item Box in his pocket. Is there some sort of magic generator in there? Hammerspace, maybe? Oh well. Out of the Item Box comes... a lightning strike! Inside the building, somehow! You know what, I don't think I'm going to question this anymore. Proto Piranha has now been shrunk to a much smaller size, but is it more vulnerable in this state? Andrew is walking over to it, about to stamp it out, but the Proto Piranha retreats into the goop pile! No harm done, and Andrew now has even more goop on his shoe. With that, the effects of the Thunderbolt wear off and the goop pile is back to normal size, and Proto Piranha springs back out, knocking Andrew back across the ring! That's gotta hurt!
But Andrew's not done yet! He's back up once again, and who knows what this next Item Box in a series of apparently endless Item Boxes will hold! It's... a Bob-omb! Andrew chucks it at the Proto Piranha, and it does absolutely nothing to it, but the explosion has splattered goop outside of the ring now, including in the concession stand, it looks like. Uh, goop is edible right? Semi-edible, maybe? I'm sure it's fine... Anyway, don't mind the possible contamination of the food products we're selling, back to the match! Swoopin' Stus are now emerging from the goop, looks like time's running out for Andrew. What will he try next? Out from the box comes a Red Shell! He throws it at the Proto Piranha, but it homes in one of the Swoopin' Stus instead, destroying it. That's unfortunate for him.
Andrew's starting to look a little panicked now, and being a lot quicker with the Item Boxes! Suddenly he transforms into a Bullet Bill and blasts toward Proto Piranha! Once again... Nothing. He slams into Proto Piranha with no visible damage, transforms back, and falls down in the goop again. The Swoopin' Stus are closing in now, and it looks like he's only got one more shot to make a comeback! One last item box, aaaand... it's a Blue Shell! He tosses it into the air and it comes crashing down, wiping out the Swoopin' Stus but dealing no damage to the Proto Piranha! Even worse, Andrew got caught in the explosion from his own item and was sent flying! I think he's done. Proto Piranha is the winner!
Thanks for tuning in to the match! That was a pretty exciting one, I have to say, even if it was mostly just Andrew Trego slamming his head against a brick wall. Both metaphorical, of course. Be sure to come back next month, and as always, if you have suggestions for fighters, let us know! I read all of the nominations personally!
Alright, we have a bit of cleanup to do. Lakilarry, clean up all this goop. Kameron, go see how many broken bones Andrew has. Chuck, uhh, see if goop is edible, I guess. Thanks guys.
Apologies for the somewhat shorter introduction to TV Tomorrow than usual. I’m a bit busy this November - doing taxes, playing Miitopia, dealing with the media furore that erupted after last month’s Trick or Treat special inadvertently revealed my true form as a watermelon-patterned ghost (thanks to The Pyro Guy’s excellent portrait of me) - so I haven’t had time to think of my usual pointless waffle. But I can’t deprive you of this month’s top three television shows!
New: Rathaus
Party Channel, 11pm
Genre: Surrealist sitcom
I’m going to lead this time with a ‘hidden gem’ of sorts - Rathaus hasn’t been the most hyped-up of Mushroom Kingdom shows, but it’s got all the makings of a cult comedy classic. Created by a Boo, the show stars two Scaredy Rats as a town mayor and his ineffective assistant as they become repeatedly involved in the absurdist shenanigans of their town. In today’s first episode, for example, they attempt to make the town more tourist-friendly, and in the process accidentally devolve it into an exaggeratedly Japanese fever dream. It’s not for everyone, but it’s still a lot of fun.
Dance Dance Revelations
MKBC1, 8pm
Genre: Celebrity dance competition
One of MKBC1’s biggest hits of the past few years, Dance Dance Revelations - the title only sort of makes sense, but never mind - is now halfway through its fifth series, and the competition is heating up. This year’s celebrity contestants, such as Bowser Jr. and Shy Guy, take on a number of dance styles, including new-age disco and electrotango, whatever those are. Daisy and Waluigi are this year’s outstanding performers and the best bets to win, though since the competition is decided by public vote, the laughably awful King Bob-omb still has a reasonable chance.
200cc Special Cup: Live at Cloudtop Cruise
MKBC Sports, 4.30pm
Genre: Kart racing
Been a while since I recommended watching Mario Kart on the TV - the coverage has been a bit dire recently - but 200cc races are always worth watching. This one should be especially exciting as the expected winner, Mario, has been forced to pull out over a conflict with his sponsors, leaving the race wide open. Tomorrow’s race will take place at Cloudtop Cruise, so you can expect a whole load of fast-paced, sky-high, item-filled chaos that even the dull-as-rocks Thwomp commentators won’t be able to ruin.
Unfortunately my aforementioned busy business has also somewhat curtailed my conclusion. I should just tell you however that this December coincides with both the 5,000th episode of popular soap Yoshi’s Island, and the Mushroom Kingdom National Day of Yoshi Pride, so you can expect a very Yoshi Christmas on the TV schedules next month. Until then, keep busy!
The Big Cheeses Of The Mushroom Kingdom
Written by: Flygon64
Baaaaack
Vid here mates, for the second time, in a row. Let’s see if I can keep up this streak, unless of course the evil people who have commited very illegal acts murder me or something. Anyhow, I put up some stuff on some board in New Wikisburg asking who the people wanted me to interview. I looked at the results, and our unfortunate interviewee is...
L Is For Winner!
Mr.L, The Green Thunder, a mysterious mustachioed figure… Okay, look, I know what you’re thinking is very correct but we’re just rolling with the narrative we got. This fella in the green cap doesn’t have as much history so we got a little less to cover. A minion of Count Bleck (A even more evil “Nyeh heh heh” man), he causes general chaos, with his own “strength” and his robotic “bro” Brobot. He’s a boastful type, putting himself above his fellow comrades and one to brush off losses as mere flukes. Not sure the guy wearing buttons on his jumpsuit should be name calling but nonetheless, that’s what he does.
Vid, cheese rolling in™. Well, good news and bad news, I didn’t need to go on a long trip to some maniac’s lair. What’s the bad news? The maniac had to come to me, specifically 'Shroom HQ. Yep, I went from the library closet to the slightly bigger closet of a newspaper publisher’s HQ. Anyhow, I went my merry way and met my interviewee inside HQ in the entrance hall, yippee.
That’s sort of what happened, I say sort of because he came in a little unexpectedly.
*Mr.L in Brobot bursted through the wall to the right of the door. Proceeding to hop out and strike his pose*
Mr.L : Heh… Heh… Heh.. the name’s Mr.L, coolest name I know, but save your breath.
Vid : Mmm… Doors are jokes nowadays aren’t they?
Mr.L : It’s for a personal image I’m going for, I mean, no random minion could burst through a wall with a robot just like that! It’s delightfully devious, something you seem not to get, Four eyes Mchorns!
Vid : Look “not” Green ‘Stache, just… just go down hall and enter the interrogation room.
Mr.L : For an interview? That’s quite overkill, not even in the cool way.
Vid : You’d take it over the closet.
Mr.L : I have a mind of my own, unlike Count Bleck’s inferior minions. However I think I would! And I will!
Vid : (I’m not going to take a minute to breathe to think about that.)
Mr.L : Come along you murmuring goat, this city of super fans of me want to know my deepest secrets. You know, this makes me feel slightly cooler than before, and I was already at max cool, impressive.
*Me and Mr.L went to the room and took our seats*
The Juicy Stuff
Vid : What’s behind the mask?
Mr.L : The face of a cool handsome lean figure. You Poochy lovers should've guessed that.
Vid : Oh, should also note that interviewees could lie… Though you Poochy lovers know that.
Mr.L : What a weird time to mention that when it doesn’t relate to the moment at hand…
Vid : How has the development of the art of “brobotics” going?
Mr.L : Amazingly! Though it’s still pretty indie and that’s lame because being indie is so mainstream.
Vid : Hmm must be a difficult art, it seems like only one person has ever made something working in the medium.
Vid : Will you pay the fees for your wreckless property damage?
Mr.L : That seems more like a “you” thing.
Vid : Nah, more a legal thing.
Vid : Is there a Mr.M?
Mr.L : Why would anyone ever think of that? “M” is such a random letter. Is some going to start asking if there’s a… What… I don’t know, Mr.W or something? Makes as much sense as “M”, are you people just pulling this stuff out of a hat!?
Vid : Dodging things is for the other Mario Rpg series “not” Green ‘Stache.
Mr.L : I’m no coward, unlike Count Bleck’s other minions! I don’t avoid my problems, I PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE!!! HYAAH!!!
*Mr.L stood up on his chair and punched the air and then sat down*
Mr.L : YEAH!!! Anywho um… You guys got any Shroom Shakes?
Vid : We got people getting shook around in a wrestling ring, if that’s up to snuff with what you want.
Mr.L : Nevermind, I can live without mere drinks…
Vid : The people who’ll be reading this should check that out if they haven’t, they probably have but shilling can’t go wrong.
Vid : Well that’s that we’re doneso for this month, now you’re going to go thank you very much.
Mr.L : Smell you later cheese sniffers, I’m gonna blow this popsicle stand, cause I feel like I’m already melting in here, no cheap stand’s freezer is enough for me!
*Mr.L ran out the room laughing maniacally*
Vid : IT’S NOVEMBER!!!
Vid : Vid cheese rolling out™
Opinions Straight From The People
In-front of Toadstool Chair Emporium “We got the chairs and one single pun” New Wikisburg
: Mister who? I’m just an average chair enthusiast, man. Umm… Was he the guy who came in flying a giant robot head that looked like Luigi’s head? He’s lame or something look give me my personal space. I'm just here to look at these chairs!
The far left end of the grasslands, inside a Toad House, Mushroom Kingdom
: MY SHROOM SUPPLY JUST GOT STOLEN BY LUIGI!!!.. What, Mr.L? That was freaking [Redacted] THAT WAS FREAKING [Redacted]!!!
Koopa Kingdom, Chuckola Bar
: ( Captain Shy Guy, I think they tracked our addresses… )
: Mr.L! Hey I heard of that dude, he’s pretty cool. Though his head is a little too big for his own good I’d say!
: Mmmm… So he’s that kind of bad guy, never liked that type. Why couldn’t everyone just be like our king Bowser, very powerful and awesome but so very humble.
: HELL YEAH DUDE!!!
: Woah that didn’t get censored?
: PEGI’s in charge now.
The End
Mr.L : Heh, heh, you expected the goat?
Mr.L : Too bad, Green thunder time!
Vid : Get out.
I threw him out and that was it. Thank you for reading! And “Waluigi Time Cereal” “Waluigi Time Cereal” “Waluigi Time Cereal” “Waluigi Time Cereal”. Hehe, cash feels good. This has been Vid, cheese rolling out™
Written by: Merlthazar The Oracle
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Well, patient little starchild, we have much work to do this coming cycle. This universe might be— |
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—Hold on, there's someone staring at us from the window. |
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DON'T FORGET IT'S A MONTHLY SECTION |
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WILL YOU GO ALREADY |
Ah, once again I find myself struggling to meet the cosmic deadlines bestowed upon me by the passage of time. Inscribing the fates of all as written by the stars is a thankless job, full of many ruined tomes and reheated meals. Nonetheless, dear reader, our ordained monthly meeting across the cosmos will not be postponed, not even over a bout of stomach sickness induced by that lukewarm space-clam chowder I left out overnight on the stove in my celestial domain. The cosmos grant their toughest battles to their brightest stars, so it is once again time for me to reveal to you the secrets of the heavens above, while fighting the urge to profusely hurl into the void of space.
This month’s star sign is Sarasae, the Blossoms. The ever transcendent and infinitely blooming flowers of space-time ripple across the night sky, obscuring the abyssal horror that lay beneath them: The Eye. Astrologers dare not question the power of The Eye, and her mystical beauty, for through the power of her eponymous hidden third eye can she potentially divine the cosmic thread that when pulled, may unravel the universe as we know it and bring the end-times! Though, she has never resorted to using this power, and routinely diverts her energy into sports games with the other cosmic beings, leaving The Eye shielded by blossoms of fate. These blossoms consequently spread pollen and leave many to suffer from cosmic hay fever around this time of the month, particularly those in the southern oceans. Achoo! Perhaps she has forgotten the infinite power that lays dormant within, but nonetheless her followers are numerous and highly devout, likely hoping she will spare them from the end-times when they arrive. As an aside, people born under the Sarasae star sign typically require lots of water and fertiliser, but don't go around spraying them with a hose unless they ask for it.
As your world's yearly cycle is drawing to a close, these completely legitimate horoscopes will attempt to spare you from the onslaught of festive jingles and merchandise I predict you will encounter at the end of the month. In my time roaming the mortal plane, for the month of harvest I would assemble a grand cornucopia of discounted sweets foraged from lurking the candy aisles post-Halloween. Oho! An oracles diet is certainly jeopardised by end-of-year treats and feasts, and the alluring aroma of steamed clams on ones stove. Do not be tempted as I was, for here is what the murky, bivalve-laden broth of the stars had to say about your fates this month...
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Ignio The Firebrand |
March 21 – April 19 |
Freedom approaches, as the lyrics of that song stuck in your head for the past few weeks will finally be forgotten to you, as at the end of the month, way too early Christmas jingles will take their place. I lied above, there was no sparing you from this horrible fate. Ohoho! |
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Bawrus The Demonkoopa |
April 20 – May 20 |
Parties are a great way to celebrate the harvest season and strengthen friendships. If you're going to organise a Mario party, be sure to hand out—ah hold on— I WAS TWO SPACES AWAY, WHY WOULD YOU USE THE CHOMP CALL WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY GOING TO WIN!? THAT STAR WAS MINE AND I WILL TEAR YOU ASUNDER WITH THE MIGHT OF THE COSMOS YOU VINDICTIVE SH- |
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Kalii The Greater Banana |
May 21 – June 21 |
Actively engaging with nature this month will be the key to good fortune. As this is the harvest season, many shall find this easy, but fear not, troubled southern-hemisphere reader, for you too can still participate in harvest season festivities by covering the trees around your house with a fine layer of cheese dust and pretending the leaves are turning orange. If you are a northern hemisphere Kalii starsign, you can instead opt to celebrate the middle of spring by pretending the cheese dust is pollen and blowing it into the faces of people who aren't wearing masks. |
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Warum The Gold Digger |
June 22 – July 22 |
The residual monster aura of Halloween lingers your spirit this month, and Warum starsigns should eat at least 30 cloves of garlic to ward off ill omens. A surprising number of people will step back and/or run from you, but do not be fooled O hallowed reader, for they are all vampires. |
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Yosio The Saddle Bearer |
July 23 – August 22 |
As school and work pick up before the holidays begin, be wary of unwanted copy-paste errors that may jeopardise your professional mien. Before submitting important documents, make sure you proofread your work for mistakes. Before submitting important documents, make sure you proofread your work for mistakes. |
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Fulugi The Thunderhand |
August 23 – September 22 | A sinister shadow is being cast over your fate; this rare and most unusual moment in space foretells a catastrophic event ominously ripping your l- oh no wait, that's a speck on my monitor. Thank heavens for that! Carry on then, but perhaps bring some cleaning alcohol with you just to be safe. Oho! |
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Alroia The Starmother |
September 23 – October 22 | Sometimes a new perspective is all that's needed for one to rebalance themselves in the universe, and turn your problems upside down. Unless you can't balance yourself while doing a handstand, then I'm afraid you'll have to deal with it and face those problems right-side-up. |
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Sarasae The Blossoms |
October 23 – November 22 | Shed thy previous month's Toad Costume and bask in the glorious light of mushroom redemption, for you are free from another year of mushroom related misfortune. Now you must commence a mushroom detox, and log off all websites that have mushroom related logos immediately and without question. |
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Walfugius The Inverted Hand |
November 23 – December 21 | You may find yourself having a once in a lifetime opportunity this month. And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. And you may find yourself in another part of the world. And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?" |
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Dovia The Ribbonmaiden |
December 22 – January 19 | This month, 
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Amanita The Royal Castles |
January 20 – February 18 | Be wary of family gatherings that may crop up towards the end of the month. To maintain peace and goodwill, be sure to tiptoe carefully around sensitive topics at the dinner table such as "are Rocky Wrenches actually Monty Moles?", avoid making controversial statements like "the old WarioWare art-style was better", and don't bring up frustrating questions like "what is the English name of the evil tree in Woody Woods" without being prepared to hide from a few chairs being hurled your way. |
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Puchis The Hound |
February 19 – March 20 | You are in good fortune, as your local pumpkin farm will be holding a 2-for-1 harvest deal. Keep an eye out for this opportunity of a lifetime, as when you head there, aliens will abduct you and harvest both of your kidneys instead of just one, absolutely free! |
Urp! Ah, it appears our time has been cut short. Apologies, O fortunate reader, but I have to use the little oracles room for an urgent divination of the chowder kind. Farewell, and may fortune favour you this month!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 176 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight • Awards Director Election |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
