The 'Shroom:Issue XLIX/Fake News

Editorial

Greetings, this is the April issue of the Fake News.

I must admit that this month has been a little disappointing. In total, there have been four sections I have not received to this very moment, which is rather sad. There are writers who submit their sections on time, though, and it is thanks to those writers that we still have a presentable issue this month. I want to give out a special honorary mention to Gamefreak75, who made a section that was planned well in advance and prepared with much effort for this month. Go check it out.

Also, we received our first outside submission for Fake Report, which is featured in this issue as well. I hope there will be even more in the future. And if you think you are able to write entertaining works and can submit them in time, we would be glad to have you on board.

Next issue of the ’Shroom will be the fiftieth. We hope to make this into an issue worth being called a milestone in ’Shroom history. If we succeed… We will see. :3

Thank you very much.

Fake Report

Written by: Edofenrir (talk)

What was intended as a quick shopping trip turned out to be a peculiar journey of unexpected proportions and copyright violations for a young Toad girl. The little Doro T. (15) left her parents’ house in the morning to spend her allowance on some Diet Chuckola Cola. What she did not anticipate was the fact that the vending machine did not accept blue coins. Being denied her sugary beverage, the girl asked some random passerby for some change. The person turned out to be a Tweester (36). While the Tweester was busy looking for his wallet, Doro T. was caught by the strong winds, catapulted upwards by the funnel cloud, and launched through time and space.

The girl eventually crash‐landed in the mountain domicile of a witch. Said witch (old), who expressed the wish to stay anonymous, was very agitated over these circumstances, which makes sense if you consider that the object that broke Doro T.’s fall was the witch herself. The witch’s official statement regarding the situation was: “You wreck my place, this attitude is what I see as rather rude! A deed like that I will repay, my spells will bring you great dismay! You may assume you’re strong and brave, now watch me guide you to your grave!” She then proceeded to chase the girl all the way down a yellow brick road, riding her broom and monologuing. Doro T. managed to stay ahead of the angry wench for a considerably long time, prompting the witch to utter: “This silly chase grows rather goofy, just like that strangely written movie.” This particular rhyme proved to be so poorly executed that Doro T. cringed in disgust. Everyone involved felt rather embarrassed, so the chase had to be called off. The witch then agreed to help Doro T. get back home. “A nasty secret you now know; my rhyming skills, they sort of blow. You must go home, that would be fair, I cannot let you tell the bear. Besides, you don’t belong to us, the property laws are really crass. With all the cash Nintendo has, there will be lawsuits up my nose. Now let’s act quick, so don’t think slow, just click your heels and off you go!” And with that gesture, Doro T. magically left the strange place.

Two weeks later, Doro T. wound up in a distant place called Kansas where she was promptly sued by a farm girl for identity theft. She was going to be sent to prison, but just before her sentence was supposed to begin, a large fire fell from the southern sky and destroyed the prison. According to scientists, the fire was “approximately the size of a four‐star hotel”. Doro T. eventually grew tired of nothing making any sense whatsoever, so she just grabbed a random flute from somewhere and used it as a Warp Whistle.

Displaying remarkable sensibility like always, we engaged the girl right before she was about to get back home from a traumatizing journey, and we asked her for a statement. She said “Going out and getting some fresh air is nice and all, but sometimes I really wish my life wasn’t just some poorly thought‐out movie reference.”

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Sent in by: Mario304 (talk)

The convict, just before killing a child.

News flash! Waluigi has just been sent to jail for committing a very dreadful crime! Today at the local Koopa bar at 10:00 AM, Waluigi filled up on 112 bottles of beer and went mad! With his gun he shot Wario, broke into the Mushroom Kingdom bank and stole 10,000 coins, murdered the innocent, burnt down Peach’s Castle and killed Peach! The cops captured him in the center of Toad Town using 10 tranquilizers in a row and one whack with a baseball bat.

Waluigi has been sentenced to a good 50 years in prison for this crime with dozens of police officers guarding his cell. A witness, Gary Goomba, managed to provide some officers with this information: “It was the worst 12 minutes of my life! That evil man, he broke into my Goomba club and killed Goomez in cold blood! I can never forget those lazy eyes, broken teeth and weird laugh the man had. Grr.”

Goomez’s family has sued Waluigi for 30 million dollars and the Goomba’s funeral will be held next Friday at 10:30 AM. Tragic.

Fake TV

Written by: MrConcreteDonkey (talk)

Hey everyone – welcome to a very special edition of Fake TV! Today, we have a guest writer with us – say “Hello” to… uh… Waluigi…?

*Waluigi walks in*

Waluigi: WAAA! MCD: Um…hi, Waluigi. Waluigi: You forgot to introduce me to the audience, so I’ll do it myself – WAAlcome to this section, written by the greatest human being on Earth, and your future ruler, Waluigi! Today, I’m here to talk to you about the best show you’ve ever seen and ever will see – Waluigi Time!

This show is a cartoon show. I draw everything for it. It is split up into four fantastic sections:

Waluigi goes to the park

In this section of the first episode, I go to the park. I meet with Wario at the park, and we pull faces at some of the local people! Then, we steal an ice cream from a little girl, and go home! This is really interesting!

Waluigi goes to the beach

In this section, I go to the beach. I eat some fish I find in the sea, and pull faces at the local people. I then apply sun‐tan lotion, but, suddenly, I get a sunburn!

Waluigi uses the telephone

In this section, I punch some people who are waiting to use the phone, then I pull faces at them. I call Wario after that, and we both go yak‐skiing. WAAAAAAA!

Waluigi learns a new word

In this final section, I learn a new word and find many uses for it! I pull faces at the local people while saying it, and soon get arrested by the cops.

So, what do you think? MCD: It’s a very… interesting show.

Okay, seriously, it’s an accurate representation of Waluigi’s life. There are a few good parts (like the credits) and there are a few bad. Overall, it’s fairly mediocre, but if there’s nothing else on, watch it. It premieres at 1AM on WAATV, and continues through the night. The second episode is much more exciting because Waluigi grows a second face and pulls two faces at the people.

Thanks for reading, so, me and Waluigi wish you good— Waluigi: WAAAA!

Fake Sports

Written by: Ralphfan (talk)

Gunther continued to wreak havoc on the sporting world this month. After the championship of the Template:Fakelink, in which Mario fell to Yoshi by a score of 68–54. Green Shy Guy led all scoters with 19 points, and shot five for five from the free‐throw line. Then chaos erupted during the postgame ceremony, while the TV broadcast showed the highlight reel with the song “One Glimmering Instant” playing in the background. Though none of the 3.3 million TV viewers could see or hear it, the ceremony was interrupted with a shout of, “screw you, I’m Gunther!” as he wrenched the trophy out of Yoshi’s hands and ran away. The tournament organizers did the best they could to come up with a replacement trophy, as they valiantly ran to a dollar store and bought a plastic tiara to replace the 22‐pound golden trophy.

Fake Characters

Written by: DyegoHalliwell IceMario12 (talk)

Hola guys. It’s DyegoHalliwell over the Empire Mario Building, with the Fake Characters of the present month. Btw, to extend the duration of the budget for the show, I've been forced to say: You’re watching ShroomTV, sponsored by Coke, Pepsi and Wario’s Farting Company. We’re streaming live on YouTube with the help of the Koopa Mafia. Now, gettin’ back to normal, I hope you like the new fake characters, so, enjoy it!

Dog‐A‐5 Claws

Coming from Nowhere Land, the only robot Dog that has color in the blank part of his eyes, Dog‐A‐5 Claws! He has a long, boring story I won’t tell because the limit is just 10 minutes and one second. He’s classified as A‐5 since the creator was 5 centuries late with the release of the dog‐robot, and his name was Aquiles Dancingboy. His personality hasn’t showed up since he was created, due to the fact he was made to hunt other robot creators and force them to dance to death. His last victim was Einstein, a son of Aquiles, who made a party in which he destroyed the robot’s archive, and sent him to some unknown place, where his is currently being studied to make crappy clones on an upcoming game that will came up in 2014.

Kolored Prince

Koroled Prince is a beta character of the never‐always existing game, The Screwing of Paper Mario 34. He is a descendant of the Crystal King, and was about to take the throne, however a cooler 3D character was created and Miyamoto erased him from the game, along with any other major character and better plots for it. The story behind him, is so short and lacking in sense, that it will be twisted for this transmission and revealed in 10 more centuries. Due to a sex paradox, Crystal King did it with many jewels, and finally found a queen that created with him a new son, named Kolored Prince, since the floating crystals on him exchange colors each 10 minutes. He was so intelligent, that his father threw him from a very high tower, and the fall made him the stupid character that was erased from the game. His weakness is chocolate, since it produces some kind of combustive effect on crystal‐ish beings. Also—

*a big explosion is heard, everyone goes flying away to the floor*

Okay, finally something great happened— err, I mean, Kolored Prince just died. He ate a chocolate due to the excitement caused by his admission into the game. Rest between laptops, Kolored.

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Written by: MrConcreteDonkey (talk)

Being as inoffensive as possible, let’s cut to the chase: Goombas are the stupidest, most useless, annoying, fattest, laziest, stupidest, most‐prone‐to‐being‐annoying creatures in the universe. However, there is one Goomba capable of doing more than walking left… he is a professional chef – described as one of the best in the Mushroom Kingdom. His highly imaginative name is Chef Goomba.

Chef Goomba will cook anything you ask him to – fish, chicken, peas, me, water, air, anything. He can also make a good meal out of anything – for example, he can make a fantastic air soup (the secret is that it’s made completely from air :) ). He has his own TV show, Cooking with Chef Goomba, and is apparently 35 years old, married and has 3 children. He looks like a regular Goomba with a chef’s hat, showing that he is indeed a chef and not just an imposter.

You can tell who is an imposter chef and who isn’t by looking to see if they have the hat.

It all depends on the hat.

The hat.

Yeah.

Anyway, he sometimes grows a bit of a beard. At this point, he prefers to be known as Solid Goomba. Solid Goomba goes out and sneaks around places for no particular reason at all, but it’s a pretty dangerous job. Luckily for him, he finds it so easy, he cooks at the same time. Yeah. He also wears a headband.

In conclusion, he’s a very talented Goomba who can do a lot of stuff.

Goodbye, and see you next month!

Fake Music

Written by: DyegoHalliwell IceMario12 (talk)

Hola guys, here is DyegoHalliwell, live from ShroomTV, giving you the Britney crap review for the latest CD… of the year 2006: Yoral Pixlation Vol. 2! by Roshakira, with a lack of duets and musical collaboration.

• How Do you Do (to Fly with your Feet)? – Ft. the Yoshi Drummers Band
• Papelligal – Ft. Marios Paperana
• Hammers Don’t Lie – Ft. Wyclef Bro.
• Goomanimal City
• Don’t Kidnap (Cause I really want to Pee) – Ft. Bowser the Tramp
• The Shroom and the Stars
• Plots for Money
• Hey You (Guy with L on Hat)
• Your StupiDress
• Costume Makes the Mario
• Botomless‐pit (Fell to Death)
• Lemon

Well, that was a long list, I think… Oh right, the review, lucky that my stupid manager’s still lying on the floor, I should bu— I mean, here’s the review.

The CD contains a lot of interesting titles and different kind of music. I think Roshakira has gone a brown head by that time. First, we’re going to talk about the rocker songs.

How Do you Do (To fly with your Feet)? is about a woman wondering how is it possible for Yoshi to fly like that, also she takes this opportunity to do heavy criticism to God and religion, quoting Roshakira : “How many times Mario stumped, and killed in your name?”.

Now, let’s go with Don’t Kidnap (Cause I really Need to Pee). Here, Roshakira is just so tired about Bowser kidnapping Peach, that she mades up a urgent journey to bathroom, to call the police, who accidentally lead her to destroy the Koopa Clown Car, and get revenge in Peach’s name, when the police turned out to be the product of her powers.

Our last rocker song is Costume Makes the Mario. It speaks about Wario wanting to take over Mario’s ID, by trying and disguise like him, but ironically, everyone starts to laugh at him, and it inspires Roshakira to do the song from Wario’s viewpoint, making fun of the entire world, with guitar solos in the middle.

Now, love songs. Starting by Papelligal features Marios Paperana music. It talks about how Mario’s father cheated on Roshakira, when bullying enemies. Roshakira thinks it’s illegal, and reveals that the woman Mario’s father cheated on her with was Mario’s mother. In the end, Roshakira watches them getting married, and goes away.

Due to budget cuts, I’m being forced to speak about one more song, and no more.

Hammers Don’t Lie! is the song. This is the happiest song of the CD, which basically talks about Wyclef Bro getting crazy with Roshakira’s belly dance. It also includes how his Hammers say unwanted truth to everyone… God, here goes one of ’em:

Hammer This TV Show is sponsored by the Hammer Mafia! Oh, shut up Hammer! There were many mafias on the TV before yo— I mean That was this month’s review in Fake Music See y’all in May!

Fake Ads

Written by: Gamefreak75 (talk)

I wonder if he’s hom— AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Welcome, my good friends.

So I was thinking about a nice place for a vacation since Spring Break is coming up (or passed for some of you ;) ). I went to my house and went to my normal thinking process of doing useless crap until I got the best place and the best deals for a wild spring break.

Today, I will be offering you tickets to…

*audience tries to hold in their excitement*

Bowser’s Castle!!!

…

…

…

I know what you’re thinking, but let me explain.

Bowser’s Castle offers a wide variety of fun activities and is an ideal vacation spot for those with the guts to go to the place. First off, why don’t you take a dip in the boiling hot lava jacuzzi. It is recommended that one doesn’t stay in the Jacuzzi for more than 30 seconds, as it is known to give you some serious burns.

If the Jacuzzi is too hot for you, why not participate in some of the fun games offered during the time, such as a sudden death dodgeball match or a good ol’ game of basketball. It is highly recommended you wear fire‐resistant gear and always have a flame-suppressant on hand. You never know when you’re going to need it, but I guarantee you will use it often.

Bon appetit…I guess…

Suntans. Everyone wants one. Those suntans you get at Gelato Beach or some other fantastical place? Those are for weaklings. You go to Bowser’s Castle for the real deal. In less than a minute, you will be baked tanned to a golden brown.

And now for the food offered at the resort. It’s…um…unique to say the least… For starters, they have these weird purple space grub thingies which I have never seen in the series before. Maybe it’s from another planet. For those of you who can stomach it, they also have fried Goomba and Koopa pasta.

*audience stares in disgust*

Of course he doesn’t have fried Goomba and Koopa pasta, you fools. Why would Bowser eat his own minions? You people can’t take a late April Fools joke huh? For the main entrée, there’s roasted everything. There’s like nothing that isn’t roasted in this place. And for dessert there is roasted ice cream, roasted cake, pretty much roasted everything.

This happens to be my room…

The rooms at Bowser’s are also very versatile. The Koopa King is even so nice as to offer you a room to sleep, let alone give you a bed. Wait is that a door? And why is it missing its doorknob? I wonder where it could’ve gone. Bowser has also provided you a trash can and a bucket for you personal duties. I feel like something is staring at me from the bucket and the trash can though. Almost every person will have a roommate as well. The roommates don’t talk much though, but at least they provide company. How lucky! There’s a horn on the floor. It seems Bowser likes to clown around as well…but he claims it isn’t his…

For a measly 400 coins, this offer can be yours. Think about it. Games. Food. And a free room. Bowser is generous enough to lend us his castle for the week. So hurry up, because this offer will not be here forever.

See you there. ;o)

Ask ’3K

Written by: MST3K (talk)

Oh hey I have a section! I completely forgot about it after last issue where I had no questions. Your friendly neighborhood ’3K here with another thrilling installment of “Ask ’3K” where yours truly answers the loyal readers’ questions. I only got one this time, but it’s better than nothing. The question comes from MrConcreteDonkey who asks:

Do you enjoy being a moderator of the forums?

For the most part, yes. The worst thing about it are the constant adbots and the occasional attacks from a certain troll who shall remain nameless. But even those aren’t really a big deal. The hardest part is trying to reach a decision about banning a member.

That’s all for this issue. It’s short, but you work with what’s given to you. Peace.

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