The 'Shroom:Issue 103/Fake News

Editorial

Written by: MrConcreteDonkey (talk)

And, like that, Halloween is upon us once again. The Skeleton War that seemed to have died down has risen from the ground yet again; the dark whispers that once pierced the air have blown into town again; the local supermarket already thinks it's Christmas...

But while you're giving candy to your pumpkin or carving open some tri- WAIT NO DONT DO THAT

While you're giving candy to some trick-or-treaters or carving open your pumpkin (do not confuse those), be sure to spare some time to think about the true meaning of Halloween, which is probably something about Jesus or getting drunk or something.

Have a good night, folks. And remember, if somebody gives you hassle, your skeleton is always there to jump out of your body and beat them up for you.

Section of the Month

FAKE NEWS SECTION OF THE MONTH
Place	Section	Votes	%	Writer
1st	Obituaries	16	45.71%	Yoshi876
2nd	Dear Anton	13	37.14%	Hypnotoad
3rd	Fightin' Footwear	4	11.43%	Hypnotoad and Marshal Dan Troop

---

News Report

Obituaries
Yoshi876 (Talk)

---

Ghosts can die, apparently...
[read more]

Entertainment Features

Hot Records
Banjonator1 (Talk)

---

...but, unfortunately, Vaporwave can't.
[read more]

Monthly Inquisition
NEXandGBX (Talk)

---

NEX interviews some obscure guy I've never heard of.
[read more]

Peddler's Place
Toadbert101 (Talk)

---

b͉͓̜̩̰̪̝̥̈́̓ͣ̕ͅu̠̳̯̙̭̤̙̍̄ͣ͐́y̷̧͖͚̼̠̞̋͛̌̕ ̠͓͇̩̟̻̦̹ͧ̓ͪ̄͘ḯ̘͓̬͉̭͓̜̞͙̓͑̃̋͆̀͠t̘̙̱͈̍ͫ̓̈́̀ͬ͐͘ ̨̧̦̼͍̘ͪ͌ͣ̓n͕̠̠ͬ̿ͮ̌ͫ̀ͨ̾ͨ̕͜o̧̭̮̩̠̯̺͆̊̊͂̀͘͟w̾̒̈̓̋͜҉̘̜
[read more]

Shop Scout
MrConcreteDonkey (Talk)

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MCD visits a spooky store.
[read more]

Cooking Guide: It Ate The 'Shroom
Dippy, Packy, and SMB

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Dippy and SMB cook up some trouble when a monster decides to eat all of humanity.
[read more]

Dear Anton
Hypnotoad (talk)

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Anton answers your questions about Halloween.
[read more]

Written by: Yoshi876 (talk)

The Three Sisters

The deceased.

This is Halloween! This is Halloween! And there's nothing more spooky than some ghosts who mysteriously died, especially since ghosts can't actually die, so there's something strange in your neighbourhood afoot.

The Three Sisters died again only a few days ago. Local ghosts reported that the night before their bodies were found in the Haunted Towers that there were strange vacuuming noises coming from the garden, which coincidentally is where their bodies were found. The Three Sisters: Herlinda, Belinda and Merlinda, aside from having boring names, were also some very keen gardeners, for reasons that are completely unknown. I mean seriously, who likes gardening?

And now onto the interview with a vampire part of the obituaries. Our Halloween correspondent, Jack O'Lantern interviewed Professor Elvin Gadd (again), "*random gibberish* It was sad to see the Three Sisters die, but at least they went before they discovered that I was dating them all. *random gibberish* That would have been totes awkward." Mr. O'Lantern also went to interview Luigi, but given his slightly scary appearance, Mr. O'Lantern decided instead to interview a flower. He's still waiting for the first answer to his question.

There was a large debate over whether The Three Sisters should actually get a funeral given that they were dead before they even died. However, after much bickering it was decided that the time had passed and they should instead be left in their current graves.

Written by: Banjonator1 (talk)

Greetings impressionable luddites! I have an announcement to make, that I feel you have a right to know. I am absolutely terrified of music. I hate my job as a critic. The thing I hate most about my job is that THE MAN forces me to refer to myself as a critic and not as a "aural culture enforcer" as I would have hoped, but I also hate the working environment. Because music fills me with a primal terror. I am actually wholly terrified by music. And there is one genre that makes me lose control of my mental faculties/bladder more than any other: VAPO(U)RWAVE. Vaporwave scares me, from the arcane Japanese characters that look like letters but aren't (oh yeah I should mention Japanese scares me, too), to the slowed down elevator muzak filled with jarring sound effects. I moved to the Mushroom Kingdom to escape this encroaching genre, but it's finally here. Now I must introduce you to a new wave. A vaporwave.

Actually that was a joke. Vaporwave isn't a real genre and never will be despite how hard people try, but since I covered Waluigi (with his primary project, the duo Recolored and Distorted) last month I forgot to give my thoughts on the accompanying bonus single by Waluigi's side-project packaged with the "Return to the WAAAsteland". Here are the press notes released along with the single:

Included in this press package is the first single from インフルエンザ's sophomore album, INF|IN|ITE, 倒れる. INF|IN|ITE, slated to be released in 2016 already has critics raving as the second coming of the Vaporwave musical genre and will boast ten full length Vaporwave tracks! The included single, 倒れる, is, "A Nintendo-themed trip through the dark horrors of our consumerist society," says creator インフルエンザ, excited for the upcoming release!

Here is my review:

Vapourwave_is_not_a_genre/10

But the single is free to listen to, so make your own decisions:

https://mega.nz/#!TF8kkKDZ!OjLferGVaqKJDXEBch4gQmgAeYXx_ml90DGf4vGgA9o

(This track was actually made by an irl great friend of mine, thanks man.)

Written by: NEXandGBX (talk)

Our interviewee.

The audience is waiting patiently for the show to start. Suddenly, a voice comes from the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Monthly Inquisition, with your host, NEXandGBX!"

The crowd begins cheering as the curtains come up. They reveal...nothing.

Meanwhile, outside of the building, we can see Nex fiddling with a door. It seems that his entrance was locked. "Well, crud. I was so used to having it UNlocked that I thought I could get in a diddly doo. But no! It just had to be locked!" Nex fires a beam of light in frustration, which burns a hole through the door. Nex shrugs and slips through, hoping nobody would connect that to him. He walks up to the stage.

"Hello, everybody! Welcome to the second episode of the Monthly Inquisition!" Nex says. A tomato is thrown at him for being late. Nex wipes it off. "Heh, hilarious." he mumbles sarcastically. "Anyways," Nex says, as he moves to his seat on the right, "for out interviewee, we have a person so fearsome, so terrible, so mind-bendingly large, that those of you with weak constitutions may want to leave the audience. A Toad gets up and yells "I've gotta get outta here!"

"Too late!" Nex shouts. "Ready or not, here he comes. Quake with fear, you mortal fools. Bow down before the awesome might of..."

Bowser crashes through the wall of the stage.

"...this huge guy who is carrying the real interviewee..."

Bowser turns around to reveal that Luigi is tied to his back.

"...Luigi!"

---

Who you gonna call?

After getting Luigi untied, he sits down in his spot as Bowser leaves through the hole he created.

Nex opens up the interview with "So Luigi, I know you live a fantastic life. You're popular, powerful, and even got a whole year dedicated to you. How do you think you got to where you are now?"

"Well," Luigi replies, "I'm not entirely sure when I started to become successful, but I think it may have started after I won that mansion an-"

"Wait, you won a mansion? WON A MANSION?!" Nex exclaims. "Yep!" Luigi replies, "And I didn't even have to enter a contest."

"Hm, well, if you win something you didn't even enter, it may be a good idea to just block that number on your phone." Nex states, "But free stuff is free, I guess."

"Absolutely!" Luigi says in a happy tone "Considering how I never win anything, that seemed like a really lucky break!"

"Seemed like," Nex replies, "and then ghosts happened."

"Yeah, that was what I probably should have expected." Luigi says "But it definitely worked out in the long run."

Nex asks, "I guess that's because your brother was in there and you got a fat sack of cash from it?"

Luigi replies, "Bingo! Oh ho ho ho!"

Luigi and his big brother, Mario.

"That reminds me," Nex says, "what exactly do you think of your brother? After all, you were in has shadow for a long time."

"Well, I always try to stay by his side in the good and bad, and I always wish I can be more like him." Luigi replies.

"Wow... that's deep." Nex states. "So I guess that you have quite a lot in common with your big bro."

"Yep! Hobbies, foods, you name it!" Luigi says.

"Cowarding skills?" Nex wittily replies.

Luigi fires a slow moving fireball at Nex in anger. It barely even grazes him before disappearing.

"Well," Nex says with a blank expression, "at least you didn't eat me. Anyways, that's all the time we have for today! I hope you all enjoyed the sh-"

The audience is gone.

"Oh boy, did we run it over the time limit?" Nex says. "Well, you did start a bit late" Luigi responds. "True." Nex replies.

Luigi walks out through the hole Bowser made in the wall, as a working Koopa gives Nex a check with his pay.

Nex takes a glance at the sheet and shouts "Only 57 dollars?! I'm totally contacting my manager about this!"

Written by: Toadbert101 (talk)

Written by: MrConcreteDonkey (talk)

As it is October, the official month of Halloween, I decided to visit a spooky shop I'd only heard about through word of mouth. It was located at the top of a hill in the middle of a dark forest, and was often said to be haunted.

By the time I got there, I could easily tell why people thought it was haunted. The door creaked open before I even pushed it; at many points during my visit the walls started oozing a red substance; furniture seemed to walk around by itself... all very spooky.

Also, it was owned by a ghost. Namely, Mr. Boojangles because he's the Boo from Luigi's Mansion with the funniest name. He sold various spook-related paraphernalia.

Item	Image	Price	Description
Boo's Sheet		10 Coins	Just put it back on my bed when you're done with it.
Penguin Suit		20 Coins	The perfect halloween costume. Fits children aged 8-12, and also Italian plumbers.
Bat		Two litres of blood	It vill suck your blo- wait, wrong kind of bat
Blood		Two litres of bat	No, blood naturally tastes like cranberry juice.
Poltergust 3000		3000 Boos	This cannot be used in any way to capture ghosts.
Boo Pipes		55 captured souls	The Boos' favourite instrument. Apparently sounds like a Theremin.
Miiverse Plains Leaflet		42 Goomba fingers	This came through my door a few months ago. That's when the clouds started to appear...
Boo Bell		30 Koopa skulls	THE RINGING OF THE BELL COMMANDS YOU
Dry Bones' Wild Ride		10 thanks	You'll never want to get off!
Spooky Spaghetti		66.6 Coins	That blue glow is healthy, trust me.
Not-So-Spooky Spaghetti		6 Coins	Doesn't taste as good as the spookier kind. Probably less likely to kill you.
Spooky Cookbook		50 Ghost Coins	I...okay, you got me, it's just a normal cookbook with 'spooky' written on the front.
Bonecoaster Tickets		15 ounces of calcium	Two tickets to ride the world-famous World 8-7 Bonecoaster. No, that name sounds fine to me.
War Artifact		150 healthy bones	This tank was actually used in the Skeleton War.
Blood Block		???	We do not sell an item such as this.

When I asked him about the Blood Block, he didn't seem to react. "I'm sorry, sir, I have no idea what you're talking about."

I replied, "It's clearly listed here. 'Blood Block'."

"SIR, WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE BLOOD BLOCK, ESPECIALLY NOT IN CAPITAL LETTERS OR BOLD TEXT!"

He realised his mistake, sighed, and said "Follow me."

At this point, he pulled one of the bookcases forward to reveal a secret passage, grabbing a torch. At the end of the passage was possibly the most horrendous thing I've ever seen...

Blood Blocks were stacked from the floor to the ceiling - there must have been thousands.

"A strange wizard with a large nose sold me these. He said they had special properties but...but they were just normal Brick Blocks p-painted red!" He burst into tears. "I bought them all, and now I've got nothing left! I've lost everything! Well, except my shop...and my family...and my house...but I had to give up my subscription to The 'Shroom."

This in particular outraged me. "Well, if there's anything I can do to help..."

"I might need some mone-"

"Bye." I knew when I wasn't needed, and I ran out of there as fast as I could.

Written by: Crocodile Dippy (talk), Palkia47 (talk), and Super Mario Bros. (talk)

Prologue

"We have to cook."

God, how fantastic those words can be! Maybe a man who is planning on baking the fluffiest, fudgiest brownies known to the world whispers them to himself as he slathers the pan with butter; or, perhaps, a woman rediscovering a long-lost, seven-generation old family recipe for lasagna excitedly proclaims them as she darts for the door and rushes to the store to purchase the ingredients. There are so many different reasons a person may want to cook, and so many creations that can be crafted in the kitchen. It is an amazing thought to behold, what culinary adventures lie ahead for those who decide to embark on them.

ya wanker

Unfortunately, sometimes things do not go according to plan. Mistakes happen behind the burning hot stove all the time, and... less than desirable results can be attained. The food can be burnt in the oven, the water in the pot can boil over, and even the nicest people with the best intentions can do awful things.

Like SMB and Dippy, right now:

This is insAne! I know we thought this would help us Achieve our dreams, but we're just murderers now!
What choice do we have? We're in too deep to give up now!
No, we need to go bAck there, look thAt drAgon right in the fAce, And sAy "stop eAting people!"

Yikes! You might be wondering how these two might have found themselves in this predicament. The following is an account of the brutal day that they created a monster and how it ate The 'Shroom. It all started with Dippy calling SMB over the phone, in hopes of inviting him over to do what they do best. He answered:

Hello?
Oi mate, g'day.
Yo, Dippy! WhAt's up?
We have to cook.

Ribs

ThAt’s just whAt I like to heAr! WhAt do you feel like cookin'?
I've had a hunger for some barbeque. What say you, mate?
AAAAAA! You cAn never go wrong with some barbeque. Where do you wAnt to meet to cook?
I'll come on over to your place, SMB. Just hold off on getting the bloody marinade ready.
Got it, Dippy! See you in A bit.

*click*

Ribs, ribs, ribs, ribs, ribs... I guess I'll go AheAd And get everything set up.

Looks like we need to do some yard work...

SMB reached for the bottle of marinade on the top shelf in his kitchen, and sat it down on the table. He waltzed his way over to grab the delicate ribs, when he heard a sudden rattle behind him, followed shortly by glass breaking. He turned around and gasped, for the entire kitchen felt like it was experiencing an earthquake. The marinade spilled over the table and SMB quickly threw the ribs onto the floor. Within seconds, the shaking and rattling stopped, and he let out a small sigh.

*BANG*

A bright light shone throughout the house that blinded SMB and he stumbled back into the wall. A large crash emanated shockwaves across the home and pierced his ears, as he tried to find a safe place to hide until the noise and light subsided. With the light slowly fading and the buzzing dying down, SMB crawled across the floor to his door, and opened it slowly, glaring outside at what had caused such an event. Laying ahead of him, in his very yard, was a meteor.

Because what else would it be, right?!

SMB gathered himself and stumbled over towards the meteor, shaking his head and scratching his head.

WhAt... whAt in the world...?
Yo, mate! What happened over here?!
Dippy! I-I don't even know... I wAs just inside getting things reAdy to cook, And then there wAs this bright light And horrible noise And now there's this meteor...
Huh. Sounds like an average eventful day. I brought over an extra marinade in case you didn't have enough, I'll go ahead and take it inside.
Oh, Alright! Be cAreful, I'm not too sure if there's Any dAmAge inside. It's Also probAbly A good thing you brought mArinAde...

Shrugging her shoulders, Dippy wandered inside while SMB was still transfixed on the meteor. She made her way into the kitchen, staring down the marinade all over the counter. She turned her head and stared at the ribs on the floor. Her eyes widened while she walked closer to the delicious, raw delicacy. The ribs had been torn apart by something, and Dippy was determined to find out. She pulled apart the ribs and reached inside until she finally grabbed onto something hard. Pulling out a rock, Dippy eyed up the object and carried it outside.

Oi, uh... SMB... you might want to see this.
OhmygodwheredidyougetthAtitsmellssomuchlikeribsit'ssounfAir... err... whAt is thAt, Dippy?
... I found it lodged inside the meat inside. It looks like it's the same color as the meteor here. Is there a part of it missing?
Uhh... now thAt you mention it, yes! There's A little portion of it over here, see if it fits in there.

Dippy slid the piece into the meteor, fitting perfectly. She backed away and stood next to SMB.

Well, bloody hell.. that was uneventful.
At leAst we found out it wAs A meteorite piece... even if it did smell reAlly good...
Now we just need a bee to show up...
WhAt?
Nothing, nothing! Just... making a joke.
Hey, you know whAt we should do? We should make A wish. It WAS A shooting stAr, After All...
That might be the dumbest thing I've ever heard, SMB. We have perfectly good ribs that need cooking right about now, why do you want to waste time wishing on a meteor that's standing right in front of us?
A, come on! It's All in good fun! WhAt's something we could wish for, in All legitimAcy?
You know what I've always wanted to do? I've always wanted to become the very best, like no one ever was.
...ThAt's clever, Dippy. I like it! Besides, it could help us become even better in cooking.
What? What's that suppo---
So it's settled! Meteor, we wish to become the very best, like no one ever wAs!
...There, are you happy now? We just spent a couple minutes on something goofy, mate. Let's go fix something to eat.

Turning away from the meteorite was just the beginning of a catalystic chain of events. Making their way back to the house, the meteor cracked open halfway, and gradually opened. A dark portal began emerging from inside the rock, swallowing the meteorite whole and making its way over onto the grass. SMB and Dippy turned around, not realizing what they had just done. The portal stretched even more, until it finally froze. The portal rotated clockwise, while the duo approached the darkness in front of them. A hand reached out of the portal; stretching the dark void apart, the hand made its way out into the real world as the tip of a head began breaking through. A slight roar could be heard, until the creature finally broke through the void entirely. It let out a large yawn, and scratched its belly, looking around the environment until it finally caught site of SMB and Dippy below it.

...
...
...
...Um... hello! Who Are you?!
Greetings, mortals! (´ ▽ ` )ﾉ I do say, I believe somebody here wished to become the very best, like no one ever was... is that correct?
Oi mate, yes. What of it? And you still didn't answer me mate's question.
Why, I am here to help you make that wish come true! I am Packy. I come from the other end of the Milky Way... erm... what's left of it, anyways.
HiyA, PAcky! How exActly cAn you help us mAke our wish come true? I didn't Actually think Any of this wAs possible...
Mm... it smells like marinade and ribs out here! It smells incredible (◡‿◡✿). I think this is a very good start... you must feed me.
Er, what?
Feed me. Now!

A Very, Very, Very Fine House

Breaking Ribs

Are we reAlly sure About this guy, Dippy...?
How else do you explain the portal and how... massive he is, SMB? Also, he's pretty cute.
Hey, enough with the chitchat in there! I'm hungry, and this wish isn't going to make itself come true!
Shut the hell up, mate. We're cooking as fast as we can in here.

Dippy and SMB were caught in a conundrum of a situation, exchanging each other skeptical yet confident looks every now and then. With the marinade cleaned up in the kitchen, the duo were hard at work preparing the ribs for their sudden guest who still sat outside. The smell dragged around the house and reached outside, just as Dippy and SMB were finishing.

That smell is ridiculous, guys! I can't wait to make you guys the best there ever was, if this is any sign ヽ( ◕ヮ◕)ノ!
ThAnk you, PAcky! We're pretty excited ourselves.
Oi, I think we're just about done. Are you coming in to eat?
No, bring it to me. I must devour this wonderful food.

With the delicious and tender marinated ribs finally finished, Dippy and SMB left the house carrying their gorgeous creation. With whiffs of ribs going everywhere, Packy felt like he was on cloud nine, growing hungrier by the millisecond and eagerly demanding the food. He pointed at SMB, then the ribs, and then to his mouth. SMB, with no questions asked, picked up a piece of rib, and threw it into Packy's mouth. Packy, licking his lips as the savior taste crawled through his mouth, reached down and picked up the entire plate of ribs and forced it down his mouth.

...
...
Holy smokes, guys. That was fantastic, fabulous, beautiful, splendid, amazing, I don't even know...

*tummy grumbles*

...Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!
Oi, piss off, mate, you can't be hungry after eating the entire plate!
You didn't even sAve us Any, PAcky!
Hmm, but I am still hungry! I have not been filled to the brim yet... I demand something more. Your name is Dippy, is it not? Where is your house?
My house...? It's a little bit down the road. Why?
Bring me your house.
...Excuse me?
Err, PAcky, you cAn't be serious... you cAn't physicAlly bring somebody A house. ThAt's impossible.
Then take me to it. You see me? Roll me to it. Remember, somebody has to make your dreams and wishes come true! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )つ──☆*:・ﾟ
...
Let's go, Dippy. Let's just tAke him.

With a pissed off Dippy and a skeptical, yet still eager SMB, the duo simultaneously roll the abnormally large creature down the road. With only squeals of playful noise and jitter being heard from Packy's mouth, Dippy's curiousness gradually grew, constantly wondering why exactly Packy wanted to go to her home.

Is this it?
Yes, this is my lovely abode. Why did you want to see it?
It's nice, very, very nice. I take it you store a lot of food in it, yes?
...Yes... what are you getting to, mate?
Dippy, I think I understAnd...
Bring me your refridgerator. Now.
... Piss off.
PAcky, surely you must reconsider... there hAs to be something else, right?
No. Bring me her fridge and all of its foods.
...Come on, Dippy.
...

Dippy and SMB traveled inside Dippy's wondrous and beautiful house, and made their way into the kitchen. Grabbing a push trolley, they loaded the entire fridge onto the trolley and made their way outside with it and its scrumptious contents. Packy eagerly anticipated whatever was inside, and did not wait a single minute. He grabbed the entire refridgerator with one hand, opened the doors, and poured all of the food and liquids into his mouth as SMB and Dippy looked on in horror. Shortly thereafter, there was no more food remaining for Dippy's household.

My, oh my... how good was that...
You cheeky bastard! You just ate all me food! What the hell am I supposed to eat?!
Hmph, all in due time, my little mouse friend. This is what you wanted, wasn't it?
This isn't anything like what I wanted, mate! I'm tired of you pushing us around! I'm leaving.
Dippy, don—!
Too bad. I'm still hungry.

As Dippy made her way past Packy, he quickly grabbed her with one hand and lifted her towards his mouth. With one quick drop, Dippy was inside Packy's mouth, as a disgruntled and shocked SMB watched.

Dippy, no! I'm coming for you!

SMB sprung into sudden heroics, and jumped on top of the foul beast. He crawled onto his stomach, and began to repeatedly bounce. Packy attempted several times to swat the little annoyance away, but failed, and ultimately was forced to spit Dippy back out. She flew onto the ground nearby, as SMB hopped off Packy's belly.

What the hell was that, you monster?! Did you... just try to EAT me?!
Yes, I did... hmmm...
...
...Hmmm? Is that it?!
If there's anything I have learned in my short time here already, it is that your food is brilliant and amazing tasting... but it does not fill me up. I believe I require more... and I believe if you two want me to make your wish of being the very best to come true, you better bring me exactly what I want. I believe... I have finally discovered what may fill me up. ¯\_( ツ)_/¯
If it's more of me, you're tough out of luck. You can piss off, mate.
D–Dippy, I think I know whAt he meAns... you cAn't be serious, right?
I am serious. You must feed me the only thing possible to nurture my wonderful, playful, and wish-fulfilling soul.
...
You must feed me humans. Living, breathing, active humans.

Pie For Everyone

F–f–feed you... *gulp* ...HumAns?
Yeah, seems about right! ヽ( ◕ヮ◕)ノ
You can go eat piss, mate. We're all out of humans.
*stomps toward SMB and Dippy*
Uh... Bugger off, will you?
I'm rethinking things... You both look kinda tasty, really. ¯\_( ツ)_/¯
...Come to think of it, I think we'll be able to arrange something after all!
*backs away slightly*
Good, my tummy's rumbling. Bring me back something soon, you both. (◡‿◡✿)

Dippy and SMB had no other choice but to feed the monster that they had summoned; otherwise, they themselves would become the food. They departed the site immediately to grab the first person that they could find. Stumbling upon what appeared to be a rundown bakery, they stormed in and approached the counter. The ghostly figure, who was wearing a white sheet and a mask, seemed surprised that the little store had visitors; he proceeded to greet them:

Wow, I actually have customers!
Huh?
Oh, nothing! Welcome to The Sen-Pie! Would you like to enjoy a "hot, fresh slice of grandmas straight from the oven pie?"
ThAt slogAn's A joke, I don't see Any grAndmAs here...
Oh, shut it. Do you want a pie, or what?
I could Always go for A good pie!
SMB, cut your crap, we have business to take care of. Look, ghostly guy, we're in deep trouble.
How can I help?
Just let us cut you up into little pieces and feed you to a monster we've unleashed on the town, then we'll be all set!
Hahaha, if I had a nickle for every time somebody wanted to do that... Look, lady, everybody wants a piece of me, but we're fresh out of Ghost Jam. How about you have a piece of pie instead?

SMB and Dippy turned away from Ghost Jam and whispered to each other:

God, he's smooth...
I know! We should totAlly get some pie from him...
Look, SMB, he's great and all, and his pies are probably good too... But we have business to take care of, mate.

The duo then jumped over the counter top and confronted the storekeeper. What they hadn't counted on, though, was his grabbing the scythe that he had in the shelf underneath the register. He pointed it at Dippy and SMB and demanded that they explain themselves.

Okay, what are you fools up to? You better start talking.
OkAy, look, we ActuAlly Are in trouble. There is A monster that is demAnding to be fed.
Yeah, except he's refusing to eat actual food. He only wants to eat... people.
People?
Yes, people. And he's going to eat us and terrorize the rest of the town unless we're the ones to nourish him.

Ghost Jam stepped back for a second and contemplated what he had just been told. All of a sudden, he had an idea; one that would potentially solve both parties' problems.

Hm... I have an idea, one that will fix all of our situations... And not result in my death...
This sounds promising. What's up, Sen-Pie senpai?
You see, my pie shop hasn't been doing too hot lately. What if we formed some sort of... partnership?
WhAt would thAt entAil?
I'll just be straightforward: you bring me the ingredients, and I'll bake you pies.
Oh, delicious! I'll get Apples!
You idiot! I mean people! If you can find a way to lure in people, I can bake them into delicious pies for your little pet.
How would this help you, though? Wouldn't authorities catch on?
I'm broke. Earlier in the year, I was able to make some cash by selling walnut pies... Unfortunately, my dealer was shot dead in July and my nut supply was cut off. I've already had experience handling matters of dubious legality, and I paid off my buddies in the administration to look the other way. Half of them are dragons anyway, so I'm sure they won't mind.

Ah, the pie... Clearly from vegetables. Baked to perfection!

Perplexed at Ghost Jam's sudden willingness to help them out, Dippy and SMB were a bit reluctant at first to accept his offer; however, the need for immediate results led them to accept the deal. The three of them set up a totally original scheme: SMB would pretend to be a barber, take unwitting victims into an adjacent building as customers, and lean their chair back to dump them in a machine underground both shops that would turn them into pie filling; Dippy would then bake pies in the underground kitchen; and Ghost Jam would sell the pies in his bakery. Although some would wind up suspecting the trio of their crimes, their activities went largely ignored. Ghost Jam's ties to the administration, as well as the revenue that the uptick in commerce created, led to investigations being halted. The local newspaper appeared sympathetic to the cause, likely due to its content editor also having previously dealt with his own dragon problem. Most importantly, Dippy and SMB were able to keep Packy satisfied, which meant they were spared from being eaten. Everything was going as planned.

OkAy PAcky, here's Another pie.
Oh boy, I can't wait to eat. :') Honestly, I'm so happy.
You better be, boy! This is the best arrangement you'll ever get!

However, it would not be long before the two started regretting this heinous ordeal of making pie out of everybody and pie for everyone.

Revelations

So at last, we return to this crucial moment, the point in time where our heroes come to a startling realisation...

This is insAne! I know we thought this would help us Achieve our dreams, but we're just murderers now!
What choice do we have? We're in too deep to give up now!
No, we need to go bAck there, look thAt drAgon right in the fAce, And sAy "stop eAting people!"
And what, get eaten ourselves?! You're high, mate.
We cAn do it... the meteorite piece we inserted, thAt's whAt Allowed him to enter our world. If we remove it...
That thing looked like a crinkle cut chip, it's a wonder we even knew there was a bloody piece missing to begin with.
We hAve to try... it's All we cAn do to end this.

Our two heroes decided not to go to the pie factory, and instead returned to the site of the meteorite landing hoping to grab the piece they had found, the piece that started this horrible episode to begin with. Unfortunately, said site had since been repurposed into a kid's playground...

WhAt the HELL Are you DOING?!
Mate, this is a highly volatile cosmic landing site!
Well, now it's a highly volatile cosmic TOURIST site! And a highly lucrative one, if I do say so myself; kids just eat this interdimensional crap up.
This thing could releAse Any number of otherworldly AbominAtions And horrors, let Alone releAse bursts of energy thAt we hAven't even discovered yet, And you hAve CHILDREN jumping All over it?!
You make it sound so sinister! I'm also marketing it as a sunbaking spot too. As it turns out, the energy emanating from the meteor is pretty good for tanning.
Those are radiation burns...
Same difference!
WhAtever, let's just get in there, Dippy.
After you pay the entrance fee... $60 a head, thank you.
Bloody hell! You could buy a new game for that much!
Pay up, or piss off.
...
...Fine.

With a smug smirk, RandomYoshi (talk) swiped the money and ushered the two towards the meteorite. SMB knew they had to work fast, or else the sleazy bird would realise that they're up to something and surely hurl a wrench in their plans. This kind of stealth-in-broad-daylight mission required finesse and delicacy, a style that SMB had not had any time to master befo—

*BLAST*

...A!?!?!
Streuth... usually that works.
You... shot the meteorite possessing unfAthomAble interdimensional energy?!
Well yea, how else did you expect me to get a shard of it out?
Yyouu... Dense motherf—
You brought your gun to this venue?! What is the matter with you? You could've hurt my customers, or worse, my business credibility! I hope you plan on compensating me for this insult.
...how much?
$200.
What, for bringing a bloody toy to your garden display?
Now it's $300. Fight me some more.
Dippy, shut up And pAy the bird.
*mumble* I didn't even want to come here in the first place...
While we hAve you, Pidgey, is it At All possible for us to get A piece of the meteorite? We need it for mAtters of nAtional security.
Oh please, that's easy! There was already a shard crudely sticking out of it, anyway. I pulled it out just this morning, in fact, and I'm quite fond of it... although perhaps it would make a good souvenir...
...how much?
For you, my friend? $100.
Piss off!
$150.
We'll tAke it! Dippy, I sweAr to Poochy...

As the transaction was made, Pidgey handed over the same shard that SMB and Dippy had inserted into the meteorite just a few weeks ago. The two of them headed out on their way back to Dippy's house where the beast was staying, as Dippy complained and moaned the whole way there about how half her bank account had been cleaned out.

Wow, that took a long time. Have you brought my next meal, mortals? (◕ ε ◕)
A, you! We've come to put A stop to your reign of your terror, PAlkiA! We were fooled into doing your bidding, but no more!
Oh really? And exactly how are you going to stop me? By throwing rocks at me?
No!
...Well, yes. But this ain't any ordinary rock, ya punter; this little bewdy came from the meteorite you rode in on.
...So?
So?! This brought you here, it stAnds to reAson it'll send you bAck to the hell you cAme from, you monster!
Mate, chill. We ain't in a grand epic here...
...Oh you mortals and your futile games. (´･ω･`) You really think I'm scared of a mere cosmic stone? I control my own fate, not any puny lump of mineral; that's a dumb weakness if I ever heard one. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )つ──☆*:・ﾟ And for your insolence, only the worst punishment shall befa—

*punt*

Dippy, whAt the hell?!
Bugger off, SMB, I'm out half a grand for this stupid mission you put us on, I'll be damned if some oversized cock is going to tell me it’s worthless.
NOOOOOOOOO! You don't understand what you've dooooooone!
Oh calm down, it barely breezed ya. What's the worst that could happen, anyway?

Before the beast could explain, the worst did indeed occur, and a rift opened up from the meteorite shard. A vicious vortex grabbed the three stars of our story, as well as all random objects strewn about the area, including a Wii U, a Misha Collins poster, some cup ramen, and a sheep, and pulled them in to the swirling mass before them, waiting until the beast's fat ass was finally able to fit through before petering out, and leaving the area looking like a one kilometre stretch of the Northern Territory.

Then... there was silence. Blissful silence.

Epilogue

This short-lived escapade was now finally over, and the world is a safe place to live again... well, safe from otherworldly horrors, at the very least. The more domestic terrors of government corruption and corporate exploitation is still alive and well, but with a little bit of willful ignorance and professional spin doctor lies, the people of this world can remain convinced of the banality of these threats.

The 'Shroom recovered from its decimation and the loss of its beloved director, filling in the gaps of the missing writers with new, younger, less expensive talent. Meanwhile, Gabumon (talk) succeeded Super Mario Bros. as the new director, appointing his beloved undead boyfriend, Twentytwofiftyseven (talk), as his second-in-charge.

Ghost Jam and his company successfully avoided mass litigation from disgruntled families and disgusted customers alike by pleading ignorance on the actions of its employee, Crocodile Dippy. Assuring all of its patrons that the only ingredients used in their pastry goods are flour, wheat, love, and sulphur, Ghost Jam was able to avoid losing millions in lawsuits and lost profits, and every so often remembers to pay tribute to Dippy's killer legs.

Pidgey, realising the radiation emanating from the meteorite had now dissipated with the shard having been removed from it, converted it into a pay-to-enter memorial shrine to the day the world was almost consumed piece-by-piece by a fat intergalactic dragon with a humanitarian diet.

As for our three unfortunate stars? Well, they suffered a fate almost worse than death...

...
...
...
Well, this sucks.
Shut up; don't mAke this Any worse than it AlreAdy is.
I can't believe I'm trapped in nothingness forever with you idiots, all over a scam! ヽ( ◕ヮ◕)ノ
...whAt?
You really thought I had the power to make you idiots the very best that no one ever was? I'm a kid, speaking in eldritch years... I can't even move a dwarf star, let alone help two mortal lost causes become cool. ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)
Are you serious, mate?
Yea, and you nerds fell for it. :')
See, this is why no one likes drAgons...
God, I could punch you right now if this world had any gravity to put weight into my swings...
Well, we're stuck here for all eternity now... what do you want to do? ¯\_( ツ)_/¯
...
...
...
Sooooo... wAnnA plAy some SmAsh?

Written by: Hypnotoad (talk)

Thanks to MeerkatMario (talk) (Forum profile) as well as some assorted people I bugged in chat for themed questions for me to manipulate for asking questions again! As always, if you seek my flawless advice, please send questions to me on the forum, find me in chat, or if you don't care about anonymity post them on my talk page! If you would like for there to be a doodle with the response to your question, feel free to request so and I'll see what I can do.

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