The 'Shroom:Issue 203/Critic Corner
Director's Notes
Welcome to the most 2ndest month of the year, February! It is a great privilege to be existing in the greatest 2th time, and in the spirit of two we have two one-time reviews: a Movie Review by Sparks (talk) and a Video Game Review by Waluigi Time (talk). Here's to them finding inspiration to double-down and double their production with a second review any second now!
Thank you for voting Half-Baked Reviews as January's Critic Corner Section of the Month!! Be sure to give your love to all of our sections here, and give a shout out to our writers whether in chat or in their forum threads dedicated to their sections. Be sure to vote vote vote!
And now for my regular announcements: We've decided to implement in Critic Corner something similar to News Flush over in Fake News, where no formal sign-up application process is required for one-time or limited sections. From now on if you just want to send in a single review for something you just read, watched played, tried, whatever, you just have to send me your review privately either to me directly in chat, or in a message to me on the forum at least one week before each 'Shroom is to be released! There's no commitment or obligation to provide a full monthly section (although you absolutely can shift it into one if you so choose), just send us your thoughts on a thing and we'll feature it here! If you have any questions or curiosities about this, please feel free to ask!
As always, if you would like to help Critic Corner, we always have openings for more writers! You are free to write for sections such as Character Review and Movie Review, or really anything you'd like to do! There's no pressure to have a huge section; they can be shorter and concise! The application process is very simple, starting with reading the Sign Up page, and sending your application to Meta Knight on the forum. Any idea you have is welcome, and if you have any questions or need help signing up, please feel free to reach out to myself or other 'Shroom peeps!
Section of the Month
| CRITIC CORNER SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Anton's Half-Baked Reviews | 20 | 57.14% | Hypnotoad (talk) |
| 2nd | The Mariospective | 11 | 31.43% | Goombuigi (talk) |
| 3rd | 'Shroom FM | 3 | 8.57% | MrConcreteDonkey (talk) |
'Shroom FM
Written by: MrConcreteDonkey (talk)
Good morning. Welcome to 'Shroom FM. I'm glad you're here. Not you specifically, but it's nice to have company.
Future Islands - People Who Aren't There Anymore
People Who Aren't There Anymore is very much just... more Future Islands. That's probably the determining factor if you'll like it or not. If you like Future Islands, you will probably like this Future Islands record. Samuel Herring is still one of the most passionate and evocative lead singers out there, and his vocal performance really brings out the emotion in the lyrics. There's not a lot of new stuff happening here but I enjoyed it.
Marika Hackman - Big Sigh
'No Caffeine' is probably the best song I've heard from Hackman; the instrumentation is sublime, so many different things going on, like how the percussion jumps in after the second verse and then immediately changes when the chorus arrives. Really bold and cinematic. Unfortunately, the album itself is very front-loaded - I can't remember anything about the songs past the halfway mark at all, besides the fact they didn't do a lot for me. I would say "medium sigh".
The Last Dinner Party - Prelude to Ecstasy
I'm really not sure what to make of The Last Dinner Party. They definitely are good but there are times where they feel a lot more style over substance. The band definitely have a clear vibe, all very fancy and theatrical, but the music itself doesn't have anywhere near as much personality as it should - especially considering how much attention they're getting and how good their live shows apparently are. There's plenty of energy to this but that rarely translates into real excitement, it just lacks that electricity. It's just solid indie rock with chamber pop elements, strings and all that. 'Gjuha' is a bit of a departure from that but it's the only track that is, so just feels out of place. The one place where it gets too pretentious is the opener (also the title track), which is basically just this pointless orchestral intro. Nobody cares!!! Just play the tunes!!
NewDad - Madra
Didn't expect a lot going into this but it's pretty decent! Not reinventing the wheel, but would be hard to say I disliked or was ever bored by anything here. Performances by the band and production are good, especially the guitars. Very atmospheric, quite dark-sounding dream pop. Great run of tracks right at the end, minus 'White Ribbons' which didn't really take off.
Bill Ryder-Jones - Iechyd Da â
Not a perfect album but there's a lot of great stuff here. It's got quite a downbeat, lethargic atmosphere at the best of times - sometimes outright desolate ("I just donât see myself gettingâ past this one") - but there's a definite warmth to a lot of this, and Ryder-Jones' subdued delivery brings that out very effectively. There's also some cool moments in the songwriting in terms of structure - the first track has three different sections and jumps effortlessly from one to the next, and 'Christinha' jumps up/down in tempo at a very steady pace. There are a few moments that don't quite work, though; 'We Don't Need Them' embodies a lot of the worst parts of post-Britpop, with a slow plodding tempo and overblown 'uplifting' chorus, and it just keeps repeating itself ad nauseam. The backing vocals on the chorus are also far too high pitched, like an octave too high, just sounds a bit silly. They generally tend to be hit-or-miss in general - on 'It's Today Again' they're BELTING OUT the words over Ryder-Jones' more subdued delivery and it just clashes so much, you can barely hear him. Ultimately I did like this a lot, though - clear imagination and personality, and plenty of well-written songs.
The Smile - Wall of Eyes
I don't think I like The Smile much, honestly. I thought the first album was okay, if underwhelming - but Wall of Eyes is just a bit bland. The second track 'Teleharmonic' is probably the best Smile song I've heard, though - starts off quiet and ambient with Thom Yorke's wavy vocals, with this fluctuating percussion washing in and out; really subtle but brilliant. As for everything else, there were a few songs I liked but nothing much beyond that.
Video Game Review
Written by: Waluigi Time (talk)
Lately, I've been on a little bit of a nostalgic Flashpoint kick, taking some time to re-experience old browser games I haven't played in years while the rest of my video game backlog continues to cry out in agony. One of those games was Bullet Bill 3, a Newgrounds Flash game from 2011 and the final installment in a trilogy by Psy City. I ended up spending a lot more time with this game than I expected, and I was impressed to see how well it still holds up, so I wanted to highlight it in The 'Shroom.
At its core, it's a pretty simple game. You control Bullet Bill with your cursor as it moves through autoscrolling levels, blasting through blocks and enemies while avoiding crashing into obstacles which spells instant death. The controls are really smooth and it feels nice to play. It sounds like the kind of game where you think "oh, that's fun", and use it to kill ten minutes of your time before moving on, but the progression system and extra polish put into the game are what really make it worth spending your time with. By default, you only have Bullet Bill and the Stop Watch ability, which slows movement for a short time, but as you progress through the game, you'll have opportunities to unlock more characters and abilities. You can switch from the ones you have at any time through the pause menu, although you'll lose any checkpoint progress you've made in a level, and there's a point penalty. Fortunately, points don't actually matter!
Abilities are pretty straightforward. Depending on which one it is, they're either activated manually or automatically in certain situations, but you'll need to fill the charge meter first by hitting most of the things you're supposed to hit. (It also refills a bit after you die if the ability pity option is turned on.) With most abilities, you can even fill up the meter while you're using it, extending the usage time. There's a total of nine of these, and you'll unlock one in each of the first eight worlds the first time you beat them. I didn't get a whole lot of use of these in my playthrough outside of some specific situations, mostly because the game usually isn't so challenging that I felt I needed them, and I also tend to just hoard the full meter instead because that's how I am. It's still nice to have the option though, and the variety provides some welcome options. I also like that you get them just for progressing, because characters... Oh BOY, characters...
Including Bullet Bill, there's fifteen playable characters in the game. They have three different stats - speed, how fast they move through the level; size, their hitbox; and reaction time, how quickly they move with your cursor. I really like how characters are done in this game, because they could've easily just been sprite swaps, but this incentivizes you to try and collect them and gives you the opportunity to try out different stats to see what your favorite playstyle is. Personally, I gravitate towards smaller characters with a decent speed stat, but it really comes down to personal preference. If you want a character blasting through the level as fast as possible, or a big hitbox to have an easier time maximizing your score, you can do that! Or if you're content sticking with Bullet Bill and not going through the trouble of unlocking anyone else, you can do that too.
Unlocking the rest of them is where the majority of the challenge in this game comes from. At the end of each world, there's a castle level with a boss fight, working through the Koopalings up to Bowser. In the first eight worlds, the castle has an optional key that you can pick up, which summons Phanto to chase you for the rest of the level. If you survive and beat the boss with the key, you unlock a new character. Picking up the key also disables any further checkpoints, and as the game progresses, the keys are placed earlier and earlier in the level to extend the Phanto chase, eventually to the point where you'll have to do the entire level in one run. It's a whole lot of pain, really. Phanto and the bosses separately can be bad enough, but the combination of them is downright brutal. Also, in a bit of highly questionable game design, Phanto doesn't disappear after you defeat the boss, so if you're really unlucky you can get through all that and still die at the last second before the goal shows up. That being said, if you like a challenge, it can be pretty fun as you work at it, try different combinations of characters and abilities, and (hopefully) eventually get the satisfaction of unlocking a shiny new character to play with. Sometimes the best thing to do is skip it and come back later once you've unlocked more things.
The remaining six characters are hidden in secret areas accessible by hitting Note Blocks that are usually wedged in some pretty tricky places. You'll probably want to use a slower character or an ability like the Stop Watch or one of the later ones that let you pass through obstacles to reach these. Getting through the secret areas is pretty easy after that, and at the end you fight Boom Boom. He's pretty much a joke compared to the castle bosses, lacking any of their projectile attacks.
The overall presentation is nice, mostly using Super Mario All-Stars sprites supplemented by some original and edited work. There's a little bit of art style clash with several of the unlockable characters, but nothing too bad. The game has a completely original soundtrack composed by Wolfgun, which mostly consists of electronic arrangements of Super Mario themes. It's really well-made and has a consistent feel that fits the game and that early 2010s Newgrounds vibe. Some of my personal favorites are the castle theme, "Koopa Katastrophe" (if you try to unlock all the characters, get ready to hear this a lot), and the nighttime theme, "Twilight Castle". You can also listen to it in an in-game sound test which is always nice, and it even got its own separate release, Number Three With a Bullet, which is still available to download for free from Wolfgun's Bandcamp page. The download also includes a bonus arrangement of "Beware of Forest Mushrooms" from Super Mario RPG that doesn't appear in the game.
There's also an achievement system, which exists, I guess. I'm not too crazy about it because it's hit or miss whether the description tells you how to get the achievement or just makes some vague statement about it. I can see the appeal of mystery achievements like that, especially if you end up getting them through normal gameplay, but I don't really like going on a wild goose chase for an achievement without having any way of knowing if I'm even doing the right thing for it. There's also no in-game notification when you get an achievement, but I think this is more an issue of playing on Flashpoint, because they were originally tied to Newgrounds achievements and there was a separate pop-up for them, if memory serves. So yeah, it's there, and if you want to go achievement hunting, you can. I don't think there's anything extra for getting them all.
On a more positive note, there's a level designer included! It's very robust and lets you use everything from the main game, except for the secret Note Block areas. There's only 26 save slots in the game itself, but custom levels work on a code system which allows you to save and share a theoretically infinite number of custom levels. Great feature and using it is pretty straightforward, adding even more content to this game.
All things considered, Bullet Bill 3 is a very well-made game that still holds up over a decade later. It's a little bit dated now, I'll admit, not in the "aged poorly" way, but this game references Nyan Cat, need I say more? Still a fun time, though! If you have Flashpoint, I definitely recommend giving it a try sometime. The original upload on Newgrounds is still up too, if you have their player for Flash content and would rather play that version. Just don't send me angry messages if Phanto makes you want to punch something, please.
Movie Review
| My Little Pony: The Movie | |
|---|---|
| |
| Genres | Animated, Fantasy, Comedy |
| Release date | October 2017 |
| Starring | Ashleigh Ball, Andrea Libman, Tara Strong, Tabitha St. Germain, Cathy Weseluck, Uzo Aduba, Emily Blunt, Kristin Chenoweth, Taye Diggs, Michael PeĂąa, Zoe SaldaĂąa, Liev Schreiber, Sia |
| Runtime | 99 minutes |
| Rating | PG (USA) |
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is a 2010 childrenâs cartoon that gained immense popularity as soon as it premiered. As it continued throughout the decade, that popularity only grew more and more, even creating a massive fandom where fans shared fan art and fanfiction stories across various websites. Those considered âBroniesâ and âPegasistersâ are known to be some of the most dedicated fans of My Little Pony in general. I should know, because Iâm a brony myself. What caused the acclaim in the first place? Was it because of the adorable yet relatable characters, the essential life lessons and morals, the well crafted musical compositions, or the wonderful animation style? The answer is simple my friends â itâs all of the above! Obviously, if a show such as Friendship Is Magic has this amount of recognition, itâs bound to have a feature film at the movie theaters right? Well good news to all of you out there â there is!
Taking place after season 7 and before season 8 of the television series, The ponies of Equestria all work together to prepare the Friendship Festival, an event that where all of the ponies unite at Canterlot to celebrate friendship, with a special performance by famous singer Pegasus Songbird Serenade. Unfortunately, the evil forces of the Storm King arrive and crash the party. Of those forces are Commander Tempest Shadow, a cold-hearted ruthless Unicorn with a broken horn, and her comedy relief cohort Grubber. After petrifying three of the four Alicorn princesses Celestia, Luna and Cadence, Twilight Sparkle and her friends barely escape from the attack. Hearing incomplete instructions for Princess Luna to find the queen of the âhipposâ, The Mane 6 (and Spike the dragon) set out and travel outside of Equestria to find the hippos, later revealed to be the hippogriffs. Along the way, the group meet new friends and allies who all have their own stories. As for The Storm King himself, he wants all of the magic of the Alicorn princesses to power up his staff to control the weather, and to rule over all of Equestria. Tempest Shadow serves him so that once his goal is accomplished, he can use the magic to restore Tempestâs broken horn. The plot is a simple one, but in my opinion, simple doesnât always mean boring. Plenty of thrills, action and excitement happen during the journey! This is a family film after all.
The filmâs âmaneâ characters include the Mane 6: Twilight Sparkle, a well-read Alicorn who is also the Princess of Friendship and represents the Element of Magic, Rainbow Dash, an athletic and lightning-fast Pegasus who represents the Element of Loyalty, Pinkie Pie, a cheerful, energetic Earth Pony who loves to throw parties and represents the Element of Laughter, Fluttershy, a timid and friendly Pegasus who loves animals and represents the Element of Kindness, Rarity, a Fashionista Unicorn who is sophisticated and represents the Element of Generosity, Applejack, a hard-working cowgirl Earth Pony who helps her family run Sweet Apple Acres and represents the Element of Honesty, and finally Spike, a preteen dragon who is Twilightâs best friend and apprentice (and also has a crush on Rarity). The antagonists include the Storm King, the serious, yet goofy leader over his forces who wants the Alicorn Princessesâ Magic for himself, Tempest Shadow, a cold-hearted Unicorn who serves as the Storm Kingâs second-in-command who wishes to have her broken horn repaired by the Storm King once he gains the princessesâ magic, and also has a tragic backstory, and her accomplice Grubber, a hedgehog that serves as the comedy relief member of the Storm Kingâs Forces and loves dessert. The supporting characters include Capper, a sly, cunning, clever cat who lives in the desert city Klugetown and initially wanted to sell Twilight and her friends to remove his debt but befriended them instead, Captain Celaeno, the leader of her crew of pirate parrots who now serve as delivery birds for the Storm King, and Princess Skystar, a hippogriff who is the daughter of Queen Novo, the ruler of the hippogriffs. Thanks to a magical pearl, the hippogriffs transformed into seaponies in order to hide from the Storm King, which had caused Princess Skystar to want to desperately make friends, as she and the other hippogriffs were forced into hiding for so long. Sheâs also pretty excited overall, much to the annoyance of her mother, Queen Novo, the stern ruler of the hippogriffs whoâs willing to protect her people. And then thereâs the famous pop star singer Pegasus Songbird Serenade, based on (and voiced by) Sia herself. Thereâs also appearances of many other characters from Friendship Is Magic, but if I were to talk about each and every single one of them, this review would be a mile long or something. All I have to say is each character plays their part in the movie, and thereâs someone for everyone to like. Hooray for lots of great characters!
While Friendship Is Magic is animated with Adobe Flash, My Little Pony: The Movie is animated with Toon Boom Harmony Software, giving everything and everyone similar yet different appearances. The environments are absolutely beautiful to look at in general, especially the underwater cavern at Mount Aris. The heroesâ undersea transformations also showcase interesting new looks for them temporarily. There are some 3D elements as well, such as the flying ships used by the Storm Kingâs army and the pirate parrots. Honestly itâs some of the best 2D animation Iâve ever seen. Just look at all of the special effects and expressions! One particular sequence depicting the backstory of Tempest Shadow uses a storybook-like artstyle, showing her âfillyhoodâ innocence and then maturity. Moving on to the soundtrack now: composed by series composer Daniel Ingram, the score gives each scene the perfect emotion for the audience to feel. Itâs further elevated because the soundtrack is composed by a live orchestra! There are many singalong songs throughout the movie, as youâd expect if youâve watched the show, and each one is unique in its own way. There are catchy, upbeat songs like âTime To Be Awesomeâ and âOne Small Thingâ, and a powerful, emotional song sung by Tempest Shadow named âOpen Up Your Eyesâ. Songbird Serenade sings âRainbowâ, with it becoming one of Siaâs official songs too. Thereâs plenty of musical diversity for everyone! The voice performances are a joy to listen to as well. The main cast from Friendship Is Magic reprise their roles and give their characters all theyâve got, especially Andrea Libman as the energetic Pinkie Pie and the gentle Fluttershy. Emily Blunt provides seriousness and authority for Tempest Shadow, and once again I donât want to extend this review to cover the entire âShroom page so Iâll stop here. Every aspect of the film sparkles brilliantly, making it much more than just 20% cooler (Yay! Pony references)!
While I think this is a fantastic film overall, there was one scene that felt a little off. While at Mount Aris underwater, Twilight Sparkle tells her friends to bring happiness and excitement to Princess Skystar and the others. Unbeknowest to everyone, this is all for distracting them while Twilight sneakily tries to steal the magical pearl and use its powers to defeat the Storm King and his forces. She sets off the alarm however, and Queen Novo angrily banishes the Mane 6 and Spike to above the surface. Pinkie Pie gets into an argument with Twilight and the group all leave her alone, except for Spike. Not long after, Twilight regrets what she has done and cries. To describe this, it was a weird and bad decision that doesnât feel like something Twilight Sparkle would ever do. She claims that âthis isnât Equestriaâ but still, Twilight Sparkle is my favorite character of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, and sheâs the Princess of Friendship! Thereâs also a missed opportunity for Twilight to apologize to Queen Novo at the end of film, but it didnât happen. Maybe their relationship healed over time? It was the only scene I found odd.
While there are a LOT of characters in Friendship Is Magic, I wish that some of the minor characters got lines or scenes. Fan favorite character Muffins does get one at least, where she becomes petrified instead of Twilight Sparkle during the attack on Canterlot. I feel like some other notable characters like the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Starlight Glimmer and Trixie Lulamoon couldâve had some moments as well. Theyâre seen in the movie at least, but only for a few short scenes. I understand why Discord isnât in the film â he could wipe out the Storm King and his army in the blink of an eye! Where was he during all of this anyway? He is in the credits though, so thatâs something. Pinkie Pie also makes a balloon of his likeness early on in the movie too. I can understand why they had to have most of the minor characters as cameos. Thereâs simply too many characters to give screen time too!
In the end, My Little Pony: The Movie is a fabulous movie that deserves a watch by everyone of all ages, especially for fans of the TV series. With dazzling animation, catchy songs, humor, relatable characters and adorableness, thereâs something for all viewers to enjoy. As Iâve mentioned earlier, this movie is canon to the TV series, as the season 8 premiere briefly mentions the events of the film. Itâs a-a-a-a awesome!
Welcome back to The Mariospective! This is a series of retrospectives of every Mario game on the Nintendo Switch Online service. This time around, Iâll take a look at the game which, for the longest time, I thought was the first appearance of Luigi, until I found out it was the Game & Watch game with the same name. Itâs Mario Bros. on the NES!
In addition, during my playthroughs of each game, I challenged myself not to use save states or rewind functionality of NSO, in order to get a more authentic experience and judge each game accordingly - otherwise, using save states and rewinds would remove a lot of the games' intended challenge. I also will be going for 100% in each game, in order to experience everything there is to experience about each one. In the older games, particularly ports of arcade games, there's the question of what counts as 100%. If such a game is meant to be infinitely replayable, it's impossible to reach a definitive end. Therefore, I decided that in such games, I would classify my playthrough as 100% once I experienced every unique stage in the game. A bit of an arbitrary metric, I will admit, but it's the best I could come up with.
| System | NES |
|---|---|
| Original Release Date |  September 9, 1983 June 20, 1986 September 1, 1986 N/A |
| Nintendo Switch Online Release Date | September 19, 2018 September 89, 2018 September 19, 2018 September 19, 2018 |
| 100% Criteria | Beat Phase 22, the last unique phase |
Overview
Following the success of Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr., the former carpenter of those games would instead become a plumber, and receive a name and a game of his very own. Mario Bros. released in arcades in 1983, and was ported over to the Famicom that same year, and to the US and Europe in 1986. Unlike the previous two games, Donkey Kong is completely absent and there is no central antagonist. In a way, this is a spin-off to the Donkey Kong arcade games.
Story
In this game, Mario and his brother Luigi, who made his arcade debut in this game, are tasked with taking down the enemies in New Yorkâs sewer system. The story of this game is straightforward as can be, so letâs dive into the gameplay.
Gameplay
The gameplay loop of Mario Bros. is vastly different from Donkey Kong or Donkey Kong Jr. While in those two games, the player was tasked with reaching an end point or multiple end points, in Mario Bros., the player has to defeat all of the enemies in each level, or âphaseâ, as theyâre referred to in-game. While each stage has an identical layout, the strategy and challenge in each phase comes from the different groups of enemies that appear during each phase.
The layout of each phase consists of several rows of platforms, with one or two platforms in each row in order for the player to move to the platforms above or below. Pipes are positioned on the bottom and top of the stage on either side, which is where the enemies and coins travel through, from the bottom to the top of the stage. Unlike most other 2D Mario games, the stage wraps around, meaning that if the character moves to the right of the stage, they move over to the left of the stage, and vice-versa. Not only can the player wrap around the stage, but so can the enemies and coins. I appreciate this addition, as it allows for some nifty strategies and close cuts. I also like that there is a platform in the middle row that the enemies cannot reach, serving as a âno manâs landâ, and can be used as breathing room for the player. So while it is somewhat of a downside that the layout stays the same for every phase (besides the visual appearance, which changes a couple of times), it is a solid enough layout that it doesnât grow too old, especially since the game focuses on the variety of enemies, rather than the stage layout itself.
Speaking of which, there are five different types of enemies in the game, each with different ways to approach them. Unlike newer enemies, though, none of the enemies can be stomped on here - instead, Mario or Luigi have to hit the platform from below in order to flip over the enemies, then they have to run into them to defeat them. While an unorthodox means of defeating enemies by todayâs standards, it helps to give this game a bit more of its own identity, at least gameplay-wise. When the enemies are flipped over, if the player doesnât defeat them quickly enough, they get back up on their own, and move faster than before, making them harder to defeat. This incentivizes players to defeat enemies as quickly as possible, adding a bit of a hectic tone to the game, which I enjoy to an extent. What also adds to this is the fact that when there is only one enemy remaining, that enemy moves even faster. This inclusion helps give each phase a climactic feel as it approaches its end. Even though this game doesnât have any boss battles, the final enemy of each stage gives off somewhat of a boss battle vibe on its own.
The first enemy type introduced are Shellcreepers, which are somewhat of a predecessor to Koopa Troopas, introduced only two years later. Shellcreepers are the simplest type of enemy in the game, as they only need to be hit once from underneath to be flipped over, before the player can run into them. Sidesteppers, which are introduced a couple of stages later, are similar to the Shellcreepers, but have to be hit twice from underneath to be flipped over and become vulnerable. If the player only hits them once, they just become angry and run even faster, making matters worse. Phase 6 introduces the Fighter Fly, which, like the Shellcreepers, only need to be hit once from below to be flipped over, but they also bounce about, meaning that only when they are close to the ground, the player can flip them over. This adds an element of timing that the other enemies donât have. The final new enemy introduced is the Slipice, which just needs to be hit from below to be defeated, but if the player neglects to defeat them, they turn one of three platforms into ice, making the terrain more slippery for the player. In a game where the controls are already pretty slippery, icy platforms can make the stage a true hassle to navigate. But what I like about this enemy is that it creates a sense of urgency and an element of decision-making for the player - should they defeat an enemy closer to them, or go for the Slipice so that the platform doesnât become slippery and harder to navigate? It increases the depth of strategy-making in the game, which I always appreciate. The final enemy I havenât mentioned is the Fireball, which isnât quite like an ordinary enemy at all. It, along with the Slipice, donât need to be defeated in order to advance to the next phase, as they disappear on their own eventually, unlike the other enemies. Fireballs appear in each phase after a certain amount of time, and move from each the left to the right of the screen or vice-versa. They can be hit from beneath to be defeated, but they are the trickiest to defeat, so I tend to just avoid them. They tend to spawn close to the player, which Iâm guessing was done to incentivize them to always move and always keep on their toes, and to make sure that they donât stand in any one spot for too long. Either way, Iâm not a big fan of the Fireballs because of how frequent they tend to be, making the player have to rethink their route quite commonly. Overall, though, there is a good variety of enemies in this game, with each one having their own distinctive features.
This was the Mario game that introduced coins into the franchise, and they are handled somewhat differently in this game than you might expect. They donât serve any purpose other than to rack up points, which can be helpful but is by no means necessary. Every time an enemy is defeated, a coin is spewed out of one of the top pipes shortly afterwards. The thing that threw me off about the coins, though, is that enemies donât pass through them. Unlike in the Super Mario games, where enemies can pass through or sometimes collect coins, in Mario Bros., coins act as walls for the enemies, and they turn around when they collide with a coin. This, combined with the fact that coins slide along the platforms much like enemies do, can throw me off sometimes, as, especially if there are a lot of coins on screen, the enemies can turn around quite frequently and suddenly, which can throw off my plans for defeating them or even cause a death. Every fifth phase, starting with phase 3, is a bonus phase where the player is tasked with collecting as many coins as they can in a strict time limit, rather than defeating enemies. This is a fun distraction after the main game, and can serve as a way to rack up points if you care about such a thing. Starting with phase 8, these bonus stages feature icy platforms, which is a good addition because not only do they make the bonus stages harder as the game goes on, but also serves as an introduction to the slippery physics of these platforms, before the other levels feature them. That way, the player can get used to the slippery controls in a safe space, and will be prepared when they are thrown into the enemy-infested levels.
Mario Bros. also features the introduction of the POW Block, which can be paralleled with Donkey Kongâs hammer, as both are used as an easier, but rarer way to destroy enemies. The POW Block, when hit, impacts all enemies as if they were hit once. Therefore, it flips over Shellcreepers, makes Sidesteppers angry if they werenât already, flips over angry Sidesteppers, and so on. It can only be used three times before it disappears, though, which adds another layer of strategy to the mix. It serves as an emergency use case for when the player is in a sticky situation. However, it does return after every bonus stage starting with Phase 8, so it doesnât have a strict one-time use case as I originally thought.
The controls of this game havenât aged well, as you might expect, but something about it feels better than Donkey Kong or Donkey Kong Jr. Iâm not sure what it is - maybe itâs Marioâs fast speed, maybe the platforms are more suited for the controls, or maybe because Iâve played this game before. Either way, this game feels more fun to control than the previous two.
Lastly, this game has several different modes. Like the previous two games, thereâs 1-player Game A, 1-player Game B, 2-player Game A, and 2-player Game B. Also like the previous games, 1-player Game B is a more difficult version of Game A. However, the 2-player game is simultaneous multiplayer, which I much prefer over Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr.âs alternating multiplayer. Itâs impressive as well, especially for 1983. In this mode, Mario and Luigi compete against each other to see who can get more points, and itâs pretty fun to goof around with a friend in this mode - even if it can get repetitive after a while. The players can push each other to have some hectic action, and the open-ended nature of the multiplayer mode allows for either cooperative or competitive multiplayer, so itâs nice to have those options.
Presentation
Visually and musically, Mario Bros. is what youâd expect out of an early NES game. It is a downgrade to the arcade version, since the NES version has a reduced color palette, and more notably, the arcade version has cool cutscenes that explain how to defeat each enemy, something that this game sorely lacks. But then again, the core gameplay remains essentially unchanged, and no stages are cut, so it fares better than Donkey Kong in that regard. Musically, the only things of note is the fairly catchy jingle upon booting up the game, and the sound effects.
Conclusion
In conclusion, Mario Bros. is one of the most memorable games from this arcade era of Mario games. It introduces many elements that would carry on to future Mario games - POW Blocks, coins, pipes, Shellcreepers as the basis for Koopa Troopas, and so on - even the fact that Mario and Luigi are plumbers in this game, which is the profession theyâve become most known for since then. Itâs interesting how much this game feels somewhat like a predecessor to Super Mario Bros., now that I think about it, even down to the name. Of course, the fact that it features Luigi is a plus, and simultaneous multiplayer makes it a huge draw over other arcade-style games. However, Mario Bros. does have some downsides, even compared to other arcade games. Although this game technically has more unique stages than Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. combined, they donât differ in anything more than enemy variation. The stage layout is always the exact same, which can limit replayability. However, I find this game to be more replayable than Donkey Kong or Donkey Kong Jr., not just because of the greater number of unique stages, but also because it doesnât have an ending. After their final stage, both Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. feature an ending cutscene, implying that the game has ended, but the game continues from the first stage again. Mario Bros. doesnât have an ending cutscene, leaving the game open-ended, which incentivizes me to replay it more. By todayâs standards, though, age hasnât been the kindest to Mario Bros., and I myself have only had fun with it for an hour or so. Nonetheless, from the arcade-original games, this is one of my favorites. If there is any arcade game that I would recommend, it would be this one.
I hope you enjoyed this retrospective of Mario Bros.! Next month, Iâll be reviewing Pinball, a game that barely qualifies as a Mario game. See you next month!
Written by: Hypnotoad (talk)
Featuring art by: Toadbert101 (talk)
Gourmet Chocolate Bars, Part 2
In what Iâve decided will become the annual February theme after having success with last yearâs review, I will be reviewing more gourmet craft chocolate bars. Yes, yes, in large part because I bought like 40 of them if anyone whoâs gone on trips with me in the last year is to be any credible witness, but also because I can easily buy 40 more, and whatâs it to you if I already have? The field is surprisingly, yet not really surprisingly, enormous, with quite a dedicated world of connoisseurs and amateur professionals who take chocolate Really Seriously that keeps pushing the boundaries in new directions as trends become boring and new shinies start to sparkle. I canât reword writing Iâm happy with, so to get things rolling hereâs snippets of what I said last year:By no means am I approaching these as an expert, or as someone with refined tasting talents that have been honed; Iâm merely a guy with enough income to buy a dozen of these at a time to then come tell you if I think these are worth it to the average person looking for something a touch beyond familiar that feels neat for someone looking to spend upwards of $6 - $12 on something you can usually get for $2 to enjoy finer crafts, attention to quality, and perhaps unique flavors. You can read somewhere else on dozens and dozens of different websites babbling ad infinitum about the history of cacao, origins, purported health benefits of dark chocolate that donât mention all of that cadmium and lead thatâs also natural, and how it entered modern society as a symbol of wealth and luxury scraped off the backs of slaves and stolen culture in ways that are still reflected into today, but my goal here is to see for myself (and then share with you) which of these symbols of elite craftsmanship and sociopolitical pivoting actually tastes good!
While I am not a fan of numbered ratings for a myriad of reasons, including how unrelatable and meaningless they can be from person to person, I sometimes find it helpful to include them in reviews that I foresee to be massive and sprawling so I can develop some kind of internal connection and simplicity; plus itâs a great excuse to have more reaction faces drawn. Sensory aspects are the bulk, if not the only markers, of quality in many other chocolate bar ratings, evaluations, and accreditations, and thatâs just simply not all of what Iâm looking for. To score these, these are the simple questions I will ask myself:
Taste - Is the flavor appealing in any sense?
Texture - Does it feel satisfying?
Virtue - How do they come to terms with, ya know, slavery?
Charm - Was the dazzle that got me to buy it in the first place sustained?
Value - With the other factors considered, is the price worth it?To further elaborate:
- Taste - As these chocolate bars tend to elevate themselves beyond providing more than taste, I will need to evaluate them on how they satisfy other senses in relation to taste, such as smell.
- Texture - The crisp and firm snap of breaking into a chocolate bar is a sign of it being well-tempered and expertly formed, but does that and whatever other additions, thickness, shape, and design aid or inhibit my overall enjoyment?
- Virtue - The special feats and acts the maker participates in, whether through the medium of chocolate or through corporate practice, and if what theyâre doing is sensible and fair.
- Charm - High achievement in this category is relative to the goal set out by the chocolate maker, through such things as package design and mythos, to what is actually carried through to me biting into it.
- Value - Retail therapy, or putting me in therapy with my renewed rage over frivolously wasted cash washing me with regret? Is the price all in the words they sew on the package, a spell cast to distract me from yet another subpar 70% dark, or have I found a new indulgence?
And so here we go!
Fruition
Often one of the first steps in many of my review sections is to do a simple search for lists and aggregated information to toss a net out, large but focused, and in this case was stuff like âBest gourmet chocolate barsâ, and Fruition popped up on a few of those. Using their store locator I was able to see that they were available at a couple fancy hotels nearby, likely as part of packages or spa deals, and at the more accessible Chocolate Museum & Cafe. Extremely thankful that Orlando is filled with just all kinds of gimmicky nonsense because sometimes it means I have quick access to things I otherwise wouldnât.
Brown Butter Milk Chocolate
Selling at $11.90 at the Chocolate Museum & Cafe, which is about on par with the $10 + shipping directly from the Fruition website. A winner of many awards, and also Fruitionâs best seller, it uses locally churned Ronnybrook Farm Dairy browned butter to lend, what they claim, deep caramel flavors, and cacao sourced from Oko-Caribe, Dominican Republic, which they state comes from small farmers and offers high quality chocolate with deep flavor and red fruit notes.
Upon opening it Iâm immediately disappointed for a reason you may not actively consider as an important detail, but becomes quickly apparent: it did not have any markings for pieces, nothing to break off into easy bites, but rather just one single bar with only extremely faint logos imprinted. What am I supposed to do with it?? Just bite into it? Break off what I can in a chaotic manner, likely getting small bits all over in the process while getting my hands gunked up? Itâs not the first time Iâve seen inconvenient demarcations, but I canât recall any that were just completely flat that werenât like homemade, and I guess maybe thatâs the thing with this being small batch and handcrafted. The package itself has little designs and chocolate words all over it like âtemperâ, âbean-to-bar processâ, âgrind & concheâ, and most baffling âmouldâ including a depiction of a chocolate bar with breakable demarcations!!!!
Iâm conflicted with this one, even ignoring the petty fuss over the bar shape; the texture is spectacular but the flavor is mediocre. Iâm not getting any of the grassy, earthy, red wine flavors promised from the cacao sourcing, but rather like hollow Easter bunny chocolate; not the little ones you can bite the heads off of, but the massive dudes you gotta whack with a hammer to get part of the shellâthat, tastes exactly like that. Exceptionally smooth, melts in your mouth wonderfully, releasing more sweet chocolate flavor as it starts coating your mouth and seeping between each tooth. I think the conflict here is them using a cacao source that leans bitter and neutralizes the other ingredients, when they instead shouldâve gone with one that leaned more nutty, or, well, like brown sugar. For a browned butter chocolate bar, Iâm really missing the buttery and caramel flavors. I think what Iâm actually feeling here is that a true high quality milk chocolate bar should feel better and be more indulgent than a Hersheyâs Symphony bar.
Itâs this article, filled with affiliate links, that made me aware of this brand and, more importantly, validated many feelings I had regarding the place of milk chocolate in both common and luxury spaces, and the general concepts accepted within the finer chocolate world that I feel should be questioned and contested.Absolutely, yes! Emphasis in the quote is mine, yes, not just sometimes but OFTEN do I want to eat something accessible and enjoyable, to not be sitting there âembarking on a cerebral tasting exerciseâ that I am now having to break myself out of with trying to enjoy new experiences without documenting it for a later review which has led me to stocking up on lots of treats and things that Iâm reluctant to eat because Iâm just not in the mood to study it while doing so.âIn some circles thereâs a conception that milk chocolate is the Merlot of the chocolate world. A true connoisseur, the thinking goes, seeks out dark chocolateâthe darker the better!âand leaves milk chocolate to dilettantes and babies.
But letâs take a minute and unpack that. While a lot of milk chocolate just so happens to be poor quality, milk chocolate itself is not the problem. The zeitgeist tells us that we âshouldâ prefer dark chocolate much the same as we should prefer wine, coffee, and whiskey with flavor profiles that run toward the extreme. But sometimes I just want to eat something accessible and enjoyable without embarking on a cerebral tasting exercise. Somewhere in between 100% cacaoâwhich, letâs be real, no one wantsâand crappy milk chocolate, thereâs something that delivers on quality and flavor but is still approachable. For me thatâs Fruition Chocolate Worksâ 68% dark milk chocolate bar.â
By the end of this, I felt a bit duped; not by the chocolate but by the article. Putting the pieces together and I saw a vision of the likely case, that this is just another New York City-based writer heaping high praises to a New York City-adjacent product, that they have quick access to while no one else does, and failing to take into account anything beyond the Catskillsâa swift deadline/high output journalism crutch I have been suspicious of with The Takeout and their respective Chicago, as well. Furthermore, Hersheyâs Special Dark Chocolate is 45% cacao, whereas the Fruition Brown Butter Milk Chocolate bar is 43%âignoring that the milk chocolate bar praised by the Bon Appetit article is 68% which sits comfortably in the dark range. By putting care into the origin and climbing onto a complex trend like brown butter, Fruition does take whatâs an otherwise simple sweet treat and turn it into an intellectual endeavor. I am okay with this, though, if it does the job of convincing chocolate snobs to stop making everything as dark as possible, and am interested in supporting and trying other products they have available.
Taste ---- 
Texture - 
Virtue ---
Charm -- 
Value --- 
Total: 18/25
Coquito Spiced White with Candied Cocoa Nibs
In Portland exists another chocolate shopârather, a salt shop that happens to have an entire wall dedicated to an absolutely enormous selection of chocolate bars in all of their stores. While I appreciate the Chocolate Museum & Cafe in Orlando itâs definitely tainted by the âmuseumâ part being a gimmicky for-pay tour located in a shopping plaza far enough away from everything else that driving to it explicitly for that is required as is commonplace in the International Drive district; meanwhile Portlandâs The Meadow stores (linking to this site and their Instagram as currently their actual website is getting blocked by my antivirus) are exactly the kind of down-to-earth pretentiousness that I expect from Portland where several stores are scattered in easily-accessible walkable areas where simple curious foot traffic can have you wandering inside to then spend a large percentage of rent, and I believe needs to be available in more places, implications of gentrification be damned.
The Coquito Spiced White with Candied Cocoa Nibs is the only Fruition bar I saw in each of the two The Meadow stores I visited, at least through how dazzled I was with how many options they were and further befuddled by how strangely they were organized. I had to buy it simply out of brand recognition as it was the only tether I had compared to all of these other unknown brands in front of me that I could only so quickly research on my phone before the worker would intervene with pointers and tips that I do appreciate on a basic level of customer service but I feel I need to develop a telepathic ability to signal out my incredible lack of desire for such interaction.
In true consistent fashion, the cocoa nibs have no flavor, and while they provide a nice crunch and generally stick to the chocolate bar better than I expected them to, thereâs just so many of them that it just tastes gross. Sitting at 39% white chocolate the creaminess does come through, but I felt it wouldâve been a more accurate coquito flavor without getting incongruous chunks stuck in my teeth. I get that the big thing with epicurean connoisseur-tier chocolate bars is to blend two opposing features into an exhilarating force of gastronomical curiosity, but couldnât they have just made it spicy like how the rest do by default? Whyâd it have to be gravel? Would they have been better with half the amount and then embedded within the chocolate? Almost certainly, yes. Fruition please add some jigglers to your assembly line to have your cacao debris settle inside better, I get that the visual is important but you must understand that return customers are also important. The coquito flavor is too minimal for it to be in flavorless white chocolate, and is a flavor I expect to come with smoothness and not basically gravel. While minimal, though, the coconut flavor still comes through enough to just make this something I do not want to finish eating; a compliment towards it in the general sense of accuracy, I just donât like coconut.
Also it should be known that Fruition continues to wrap their chocolate in incredibly frustrating plastic packages that you need scissors or some kinda piercing tool just to access as thereâs no perforation or easy-tear spot, which does not pair well with a chocolate bar that has a bunch of lumpy bits that are ripe for falling off, and nor is it very useful for resealing as it not commits you to either completing the bar in one sitting or being ok that itâs just going to be exposed to the air.
Taste ----
Texture -
Virtue ---
Charm --
Value ---
Total: 13/25
Oregon Bark; Tom Bumble
Tom Bumble
Bess Throstle
Lou Whistle
Tooley Loo
Lily Pea
These are the names that my grandmother gave each of our toes. Starting on the big toe, sheâd work her way down, wiggling each one and purposefully saying their names until she got to the last one, Lily Pea. Then it was a grand tickle fest.
It was a childhood delight.
My Tom Bumbles are also a delight.
Tom Bumble is apparently the name of this ladyâs big toe, and also a peanut butter flake chocolate candy bar made by Oregon Bark, a confectionary company that specializes in honeycomb candy. This is another The Meadow purchase, explained to me as basically a gourmet Butterfinger, much better than one, so much better, the favorite candy bar of the lady working there who kept asking me if I needed help which I kept politely declining as the only thing I needed help with was having her remove every chocolate bar from the wall and reorganize it based on brand name rather thanâŚuhâŚflavor? and also sorta brand too, but not really?
This particular package comes with four bars, two smooth and two nutty, but it is possible to buy packages that are just fully one or the other. Notable that these are gluten-free and vegan, indicating a lack of dairy, using Portland local Ranger Chocolate. Cutting right to it, the flake candy was honestly pathetic and didnât resemble flake candy in basically any way. It had no crunch, no cooked toffee flavor, nothing, and was instead more just incredibly dense peanut powder that was uncomfortable and kinda gross to bite into that would reveal itself as super dry and flavorless dust as soon as your teeth shifted around their layers. No flavor at all to be found aside from just poorly-considered dark chocolate thatâs left unsupported by adequate levels of salt. The chocolate was also not as stable as it needed to be, being incredibly and non-functionally melty in a 70F air conditioned apartment. What makes matters worse is that there was no noticeable difference between the Smooth and Nutty. Like, I get it, power to eschewing big brands with questionable ingredients and taking pride in a small regional product that uses feel-good Fair Trade and organic ingredients, but can you make a product that performs like how you claim without having to rely on locally-made hype crews? Is this a process or consistency issue? Is flavor and quality only meant for brand names? Do people in the Pacific Northwest not know true crunch?
Taste ---- 
Texture -
Virtue ---
Charm --
Value ---
Total: 9/25
Dick Taylor Craft Chocolate
California-made chocolate with a distinctive high-society look that grants it placement on the shelves of the most astute shops and aesthetically-curated boutiques. Dick Taylor Craft Chocolate entered the market in 2010 after their founders saw connections between the growing American craft chocolate movement and their own history with woodworking and boat building, a connection you can see in the designs of their packaging and shop, which, I must point out, includes a market where they sell other brands of chocolate bars aside their own, a fact that got me more excited than I feel I should admit but for those who have hung out with me know to be an expected reaction.
Something curious Iâve noticed with them is that their chocolate bars donât come at a set standard price, rather they vary based on origin and inclusions you can surmise from really interesting information provided on their website. I admire this genuine transparency as it rings of a deeper moral code, and more importantly satisfies my weird thirst for internal information.
Blackberry Bergamot
Dried blackberries and bergamot oil, in 65% dark chocolate sourced from Belize. Origin can affect flavor and texture, but unless youâre in-the-know it absolutely doesnât mean squat to someone walking by it on a shelf. Single-origin chocolate is purported to have more complex flavor, which makes sense to me in regards to the individual flavor not being muddled by others to generate a more homogenous flavor. What chocolate from Belize is supposed to taste like, according to Dick Taylor, is honey, pineapple, and raisins, which to me tells me fruity, floral, and smoky.
Each flavor is tasted separately and in order, which is a marvelous wonder and also sorta gross. First you just taste dark chocolate, then in comes a sudden strong sweet berry flavor that I will deny is any type of blackberry I am familiar with, and then out of even more nowhere is the bergamot to remind you that this is a chocolate bar meant for rich snooty people who think that eating soap is a sign of refined taste. This bar can be submitted as evidence in court for how craft chocolate bar makers horseshoe themselves back into making garbage products by trying unique flavor combinations when they couldâve instead made something more normal and gotten further with it. Blackberry on its own? Perhaps blackberry with some orange rind for a textural element and more muted citrus flavor? Itâs definitely a curious bar, and curiosity was sated, but appetite was not; swing and a miss.
Absolutely love the package, though
Curiously, thereâs no information on the Dick Taylor Chocolate website about this flavor, which may be due to it being seasonal, but even their seasonal ones that have won awards are visible in some way, which does lead to validating implications for the Blackberry & Bergamot bar.
Taste ----
Texture -
Virtue ---
Charm --
Value ---
Total: 15/25
Limited Release Straight Bourbon Whiskey
I did not set out to buy this one, instead I was looking for a local source for Fruition chocolate bars without me having to drive all the way to the tourist district. Fruitionâs store locator pointed me towards a trendy gift shop that looked promising as several pictures on their site and elsewhere had visible chocolate bars and hard-to-find cocoa brands, so I trusted it. When I got there I did not see a single Fruition bar, but found this Dick Taylor Straight Bourbon Whiskey chocolate bar carefully placed among the other brown items in this storeâs meticulously curated color-coordinated sections. In true irritating fashion, the whiskey flavor is a limited release, whether intentionally or not it follows the trend of whiskey fanatics being more and more interested in limited run small batch whiskeys that send the price artificially skyrocketing for very few reasons other than enrapturing whiskey collectors into bidding higher and higher. Itâs hard for me to take that particular hobby and lifestyle seriously, or at least respectfully, because honestly I knew a guy who was into it and he was so insanely full of himself and I had to sit for hours and hours at quite a few parties and get-togethers listening to him go on and on and on and on about how he could taste particular woods in each bourbon and how thatâs something that should matter to more people as he thought that I was someone whoâd sympathize with him as he knew I write reviews, so I always imagine him whenever this topic comes up.
What I notice immediately is how much more satisfying this is to bite into than the Blackberry & Bergamot one; it still has that firm and clean snap that indicates quality tempering and safeguards a sectionless bar design from rocketing crumbs all over, but it melts in my mouth more more readily. The Blackberry & Bergamot oneâs intense brittle and rigid nature despite being 65% dark chocolate to the Whisheyâs 70% stands out much more in comparison, and has me questioning why was that one so bad while the Straight Bourbon Whiskey was good? Lack of chemical synergy? Poor quality control? Improper storage? The fact that I ate the Whiskey bar soon after purchasing it near home while the other got packed into a checked bag and flown across the continent?
There is a noticeable difference in flavor between just a regular dark chocolate bar and this one, but Iâm not quite sure Iâd attribute that to bourbon whiskey as that flavor is hardly there. I was honestly pleasantly surprised because I donât like whiskey that much and just got this bar rather than the Strawberries & Cream, placed among the red items in the store, as that was $13 and this was $9.95. Checking the back for more info, the ingredients list does include bourbon whiskey, but the description merely says that cocoa nibs were aged in bourbon barrels before being removed and mixed with cocoa butter and cane sugar; nowhere in this does it say bourbon whiskey in any form is actually in the bar. This subtle approach is actually an intentional part of experimenting with bourbon barrel flavoring, with this just meant to produce slight vanilla and wood flavors while muting the dark chocolate. This review and overview here says that Dick Taylorâs bourbon bar is â(...) the most spirit-forward [she] tried â very robust and spicyâ which is toooootally not what I got from it at all, and Iâm glad because the incredibly subtlety here allowed me to enjoy the chocolate with more indulgence, as is my preferred method; but this concerns me lowered expectations and what the point even is at all if not just marketing and boredom with how the other bars are meant to taste if THIS was the strongest one.
A bad first impression from a different bar, salvaged by one I expected to not like, I will be looking forward to trying more from Dick Taylor Chocolates.
Taste ----
Texture - 
Virtue ---
Charm --
Value ---
Total: 24/25
Vosges; Black Raspberry & Fermented Tea
I vowed to not buy Vosges anymore after my prior review of them made it pretty apparent how artificially posh and honestly disgustingly vulturous and full of reckless predatory pseudoscientific babble the brand is, and specifically their founder Katrina, but I had to do just one encore after seeing this gorgeous package design in-person. Just an absolutely stunning work of art deco gaudiness, and any potential compliments end there.
Unfortunately, yet expected, is also a ton of words on the package and furthermore on the website really huffing their own farts. Like, come on:
Like, yeah, Katrina, only the Parisians buy chocolate and pastries daily, get a grip, youâre a company in Chicago, the midwest, do you not see how middle America goes about grocery shopping? And yet again with the 528 Hz High Vibe nonsense, stating that during the chocolateâs crystallization process they play peaceful music at it as if thatâs based on any verifiable science. Itâs critical for me to state just how much the rest of France hates Paris and the Parisians, with a French friend of mine specifically saying in regards to this âFRANCEâS VIBES ARE ROTTENâ. Speaking of verifiable science, I canât skip by the fact that this is apparently a collaboration with Dr. William Li, a Dr. Oz-adjacent internal medicine specialist, who has written a cookbook about how eating certain foods can help beat disease, which sounds alright in vague concept but the simple association with Oz and Vosges just absolutely discredits him as someone serious to me.âLiving in Paris, Katrina learned the Parisian ritual of purchasing chocolate and pastry daily. We use exotic and ephemeral ingredients for all our products, including this black raspberry chocolate bar.â
Black raspberry and fermented tea are flavors that promise to be potent and pungent, strong and unyielding in their vibrancy, but this just tasted like flooring tile with quite a similar texture, too. NOT good, not even close, just an absolute abomination. It hurt my teeth to chew it, and I could feel my body rebelling against me as involuntary actions indicated a complete unwillingness to swallow. Thereâs just really nothing else to say because thereâs just really nothing there, itâs a miserable brick of no flavor that feels terrible. I did have one friend who liked this, who said she used to eat chalk as a kid, as this tasted like chalk.
I recommend, request, beg, please with you all to never buy a Vosges product ever, not even to try, not even for the bit, theyâre just not good and this company does not need any more money being funneled to it encouraging them. Please please please let this company be destroyed, please.
The C-Spot comes to me again with pure venom that I wish to attain one day, massive applause for their commentary, and a backhanded thank you to Vosges for being a vile enough company to allow me the satisfaction of getting to read all of this. With all of that fine wordsmanship, though, itâs hard to put it any different than this review right on their page:
R J.
Verified Buyer
2.0 star rating
01/02/24
Lots of hype
Very little flavor. Doesnât matter how thoughtful the process is, if the chocolate is unpleasant.
Taste ----
Texture -
Virtue ---
Charm --
Value ---
Total: 6/25
Antidote Chocolate Mermaid Seaweed & Toasted Black Sesame
Another that I picked up from The Meadow, specifically because it seemed like a bizarre flavor and I was just really interested in seeing how it worked, if it worked. Cacao sourced from Ecuador, operating with direct trade that claims to pay double what Fair Trade does. 56% milk chocolate that promises less sugar and more cacao flavor. Good-tasting chocolate, bonus points that this is a craft chocolate bar that uses milk chocolate, but I didnât notice much of the seaweed or sesame flavor despite the smell being strong and both being plainly visible inclusions on the back of the bar. Some people I gave this to REALLY noticed the seaweed flavor immediately, and they said it may be because theyâre accustomed to it as they regularly eat seaweed snacks, but I could not identify it without really sitting there and thinking about it. The sesame flavor is kiiiiiiiinda there, too, but I donât believe it to be anything more than my dreams and desires trying to manifest into reality. This is disappointing in hindsight because this is hardly the only seaweed chocolate thatâs out there, with a simple look revealing an incredible amount of them that are probably better and without the exhausting dip into nonsense ideology that Iâm about to discover.
Reading into it, Antidote sees themselves as an â(...) exquisite superfood chocolate (...) loaded with the fine aroma of cacao while low in sugar. Good for the heart and a healthy way to boost your energy (...)â which does explain the direction with seaweed, at least, but Iâm saddened by the pseudoscience marketing approach. Getting into the About pages starts giving me really gross Vosges Katrina vibes, talking of chocolate as a magical cure for all ailments, unique combinations that have never been tried before, but at least lands on some firm footing with some details that fight back against other barsâ flimsy claims. I cannot honestly say that I bought this with any intention of feeling nourishment or getting fit, and I personally think they should lean more into the bizarre curated flavors, but then I guess itâs called Antidote for a reason.
A pretty useless âwhere to findâ page in a bizarre format Iâve rarely seen, where they just list a handful of specific stores theyâre carried in (primarily the northwest coast) and then a vague general statement of âAntidote can be found in selected natural and good sorted grocery and specialty retailers across the USA, Canada and Japan.â Iâd love to try another one to see where my impression falls, and with my apprehension to use online ordering and delivery services for a food product with a melting point that is lower than the average temperature of where I live, I guess Iâll just wait until Iâm back on the west coast or otherwise take a day-trip south and hope my lack of air conditioning in my car doesnât kill me or, more importantly, melt the chocolate.
Taste ----
Texture -
Virtue ---
Charm --
Value ---
Total: 12/25
| The 'Shroom: Issue 203 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes ⢠The 'Shroom Spotlight ⢠Poochy's Picks ⢠Poll Committee Chairperson Election ⢠Credits |
| Features | Fake News ⢠Fun Stuff ⢠Palette Swap ⢠Pipe Plaza ⢠Critic Corner ⢠Strategy Wing |
| Specials | The 'Shroom's Special Saga |
