The 'Shroom:Issue 195/Critic Corner
Director's Notes
Summer is here which means it's time for me to be absolutely miserable with how violent tropical heat is, and while the daily thunderstorms bring late relief it's just not nearly enough to pay back the suffering of it being 85F when the sun isn't even out. And, for that, it's time for me to go on vacation up north! While I'm up there relaxing I know I'll definitely be taking time out of what little freedom I have away from work to enjoy some reviews!!!!! You should, too!!!!
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And now for my regular announcements: We've decided to implement in Critic Corner something similar to News Flush over in Fake News, where no formal sign-up application process is required for one-time or limited sections. From now on if you just want to send in a single review for something you just read, watched played, tried, whatever, you just have to send me your review privately either to me directly in chat, or in a message to me on the forum at least one week before each 'Shroom is to be released! There's no commitment or obligation to provide a full monthly section (although you absolutely can shift it into one if you so choose), just send us your thoughts on a thing and we'll feature it here! If you have any questions or curiosities about this, please feel free to ask!
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Section of the Month
| CRITIC CORNER SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Anton's Half-Baked Reviews | 13 | 61.90% | Hypnotoad (talk) |
| 2nd | A Report on the Effectiveness of Power-Ups | 5 | 23.81% | Shoey (talk) |
| 3rd | All-Time Smash Merit Ranking | 3 | 14.29% | SonicMario (talk) |
Van Shoeul's House of Ghouls
| The Return of Count Yorga | |
|---|---|
| |
| Genres | Horror |
| Release date | 1971 |
| Starring | Robert Quarry, Mariette Hartley, Roger Perry |
| Directed By | Bob Kelljan |
| Runtime | 97 minutes |
| Streaming | Tubi |
Good evening, dear readers, and welcome to another startling Van Shoeul's House of Ghouls. I'm your host, Vincent Van Shoeul. Before we begin this month's little tale, I must apologize for an unfortunate schedule slip. Originally, we were going to be featuring the 1972 Blaxploitation film Blacula, but due to some tricky licensing issues, we must unfortunately delay our Blacula feature. Instead, for this month's terrifying tale, we have 1971's The Return of Count Yorga, a different vampire tale. But fear not, dear readers, for while this may not be what was originally intended, The Return of Count Yorga will still prove to be a thriller.
For tonight's featured performers, we have: Philip Frame as Tommy, a young orphan who falls under the spell of Count Yorga and begins to do his bidding; Roger Perry as Dr. David Baldwin, a local doctor who grows increasingly more suspicious of Count Yorga; Mariette Hartley as Cynthia Nelson, a teacher at the local school who Count Yorga becomes smitten with; and finally we have Robert Quarry as the eponymous Count Yorga, a centuries-old vampire who, after being brought back to life by the "Santa Ana" winds, has plans to spread his vampirism across this little town.
Produced by, you guessed it, American International Pictures, The Return of Count Yorga is a sequel to future Van Shouel's House of Ghouls subject, Count Yorga, Vampire. Set sometime after the first film, Count Yorga has returned from the grave to again spread vampirism into the modern world. To be honest, for the most part, The Return of Count Yorga is a pretty standard vampire film. Vampire (Count Yorga) shows up and people don't know he's a vampire. He starts planning to spread vampirism. Then the vampire falls in love with a woman (Cynthia) and kidnaps her with plans to make her his next bride. Then people (mostly David) start investigating him, they figure out he's a vampire, and they go to fight him in this manor. As this is all happening, the vampire is also turning other people into vampires and killing people. One by one, people die until it's down to Cynthia and her boyfriend.
In addition, Count Yorga is basically a Count Dracula OC (do not steal). He's got most of the standard vampire traits. He dresses like a regal noble from the 18th century. He can hypnotize people. He doesn't like crosses and he can't go out in sunlight. He's got a deformed butler who does his bidding as well as the standard undead "brides". He drinks the blood of his victims and he primarily goes after women. He can't turn into a bat, however, which is kind of sad. Also, while he is repelled by crosses, he doesn't appear to be in physical pain from them like his brides are. Finally, despite being, well, a Count and being centuries old, he doesn't speak in an Eastern European accent; rather, he speaks in a regular, if haughty, American accent.
Despite or perhaps because it is in many was a by-the-numbers vampire film, The Return of Count Yorga is actually a perfectly good movie. It's not perfect, by any means, and it suffers from some of the classic B-movie trappings, with some wooden acting and a decent portion of the film being kind of slow. But, overall, it's a perfectly good vampire movie and it was a fun watch. Honestly, a lot of that is because of the Count Yorga character. He might be basically Count Dracula, but Robert Quarry does a terrific job as the regal vampire. He's everything a vampire should be. He's handsome, charismatic, and he just gives off the air of an old school aristocrat. From this performance, I can see why American International Pictures thought that Robert Quarry would be the next big B-movie star.
It helps that Count Yorga is a irredeemably evil character. Much like in the last film, he's here to spread vampirism in a modern world, but this time his plan seems even more sinister. To begin with, unlike the last film, where he was merely turning women into vampires out of both the need to feed and spread his curse, in this film, while he's still turning women into vampires as well as trying to make Cynthia into his latest bride, he's also seemingly trying to turn this town into his own little kingdom. He goes as far as destroying the bridge into town to keep them from contacting the outside world or leaving, as well as brainwashing an orphan child into doing his bidding. It's a real step up in goals from the previous film. Interestingly, he does seem to be genuinely in love with Cynthia, and, while the way he attempts to make her his is undeniably evil (he has his brides murder her family and kidnap her), he wishes for her to join him out of her own free will. Even more, despite the fact that he could simply brainwash her into loving him or turn her into one of his undead brides, who, unlike Count Yorga are more along the lines of zombie-vampire hybrids, being for the most part mindless creatures who only serve to follow Count Yorga's commands, Count Yorga refuses to take any of these steps. Despite the fact that his in-house witch warns him that refusing to just turn her into one of his brides will be his downfall (spoiler for this fifty-year old movie, but the witch is right), he instead attempts to make her love him legitimately. It stands in contrast to other women he kills in this film, such as Cynthia's sister Ellen and a woman named Minzi, who he simply turns into mostly-mindless slaves. There's even a part late in the film where, after she rejects him, he uses his powers to put her to sleep and it's ambiguous as to whether or not he was going to wipe her mind and let her go. Before he can make his decision, his mansion is infiltrated and he attempts to make her his bride by force, but, at that point, his hands are tied. Quite simply, Count Yorga is a very well-done character, and his relationship with Cynthia is a pretty well done plot concept.
Speaking of well-done plot points, the use of the orphan Tommy as a brainwashed servant of Count Yorga is excellent. At the very start of the film, a young boy named Tommy enters the cemetery right as Count Yorga's evil is rising, and Count Yorga uses his powers to compel Tommy to serve him. But he doesn't make Tommy a mindless slave like his brides or his Igorian manservant. Instead, he uses him to keep the townsfolk off his case. It's actually kind of unnerving how good Philip Frame is as this devious child who aids Count Yorga, first by discrediting Cynthia's family's mute maid Jennifer by claiming he didn't see anything after Count Yorga's brides massacred Cynthia's family and kidnapped Cynthia. Just for a little context, Count Yorga's manservant Bruhda cleans up all the evidence by the time Jennifer gets back with the police. Another good example of what makes Tommy great and where Frame gives a good performance is when he tricks Jason (Cynthia's sister's fiance) into going after Yorga. Tommy reveals to Jason in the middle of the night that he really did go to Count Yorga and that Count Yorga has Ellen, causing Jason to race off to his death in an attempt to rescue his already-turned fiance. It's really creative how they use Tommy, and his actor does a really good job as the innocent kid working for the big bad.
Unlike most American International Pictures horror films we've covered, which are basically just fun romps starring Vincent Price and sometimes Peter Lorre while having vaguely spooky themes, there's some really well done horror bits in this film. It starts off strong with Tommy playing with a ball in near silence, the only sound coming from the ball Tommy is kicking. As he wanders into a graveyard, it cuts to Cynthia and Reverend Thomas Westwood discussing the "Santa Ana" winds, which are apparently a bad omen. They cut back to the cemetery, where the winds begin to pick up and the words "Rise, rise, it is time" begin to repeat in the background. This continues until Count Yorga's harem rises from the grave. Tommy tries to escape, but, before he can, he runs right into Count Yorga. It's a great opening for this film that really sets the tone for what's coming.
There are two other standout spooky scenes that are both connected to each other. In Cynthia's family home, the wind rages and all the characters are terrified of it. Then, suddenly, from the window, one of the women-turned-vampire's arms comes through, grabbing Cynthia's sister Ellen right before the vampire women fully break in and murder her family while abducting Cynthia.
This leads to an even better scene later where Cynthia, who has been hypnotized by Count Yorga to think she was in a car accident and left in Count Yorga's care, is wandering Count Yorga's mansion as her memories begin to come back. She begins to hear the the voice of her sister calling her name all around the room as the film cuts back and forth from her freaking out to mini flashbacks of the slaughter of her family. It's a really well done sequence of events that is genuinely unnerving.
That's not to say that this film doesn't have the trademark American International Pictures horror film comedy spots, because this film is very funny, both intentionally and unintentionally. One of the best comedy spots is at the beginning, where Count Yorga, who has walked into a local costume contest, gets beat out by a guy wearing a stereotypical Count Dracula costume, complete with white face paint. If you look in the background of the announcement, you can see Count Yorga sarcastically clapping while seething. Another great spot is, while waiting for Tommy to bring him Jason, Count Yorga is just sitting in a chair, watching a Spanish vampire film (actually a Spanish dub of American International Pictures film The Vampire Lovers) with a completely bored look on his face. That's ten out of ten comedy.
Then there's Jason's death, which I don't think was supposed to be funny, but it's one of the funniest parts of the film. Jason, after being led to the mansion, gets attacked by the brides and narrowly manages to escape them. But then out, of nowhere comes Count Yorga, running at him with his arms stretched out like "RRRRR, I'm gonna get ya" while spooky dramatic music plays. So, as you can tell, it's already hilarious.
But then it gets even better, because it then goes to like twenty seconds of slow motion as Jason tries to get away while Count Yorga runs after him. Like, I'm not sure if this is supposed to be funny, but goddamn is it hilarious.
But the funniest part of the movie is hands down the death of Reverend Thomas. So, by this point in the film, all the main characters suspect Count Yorga of being a vampire, or, at the very least, a murderer. So they send the Reverend to distract him as David and two cops break into his manor to find/rescue Cynthia. The Reverend completely fails at this, falls for Count Yorga's charms, reveals that people think he's a vampire, and then gets tricked into stepping in quicksand.
As he sinks in the quicksand, he's like "ah shit, that's right, evil vampire," and he starts cursing Count Yorga defiantly, even pulling out and waving his cross furiously as he sinks to the bottom and dies. It's ten out of ten comedy. I can't do it justice. If you're not going to watch this film, you should at least watch the deaths of Jason and the Reverend off YouTube.
The Return of Count Yorga is a very fun and satisfying horror film. It's not perfect. Like I said, it's slow in parts and the acting isn't always great. In addition, not all of the comedy lands, with a special shoutout to the two cops who, after being attacked by the vampire harem, have the classic dialogue "Why are we running?" followed by "Because we're scared!", which is just a boo out of ten. I also think the ending is disappointing, because it's just a genderbent version of the original. Whereas in the original, the male protagonist kills Count Yorga, saving the female protagonist only to realize too late the female protagonist has already been turned before being killed by her, in this one, the female protagonist kills Count Yorga, only to be killed by the male protagonist who was already turned. But that's not really a problem if you hadn't seen the first one. It also works as a pretty good cruel twist ending, because it's like "hooray, you killed the monster," but it turns out that doesn't get rid of the vampire curse. Overall, though, the film has a good mixture of solid horror and quality comedy and is just a perfectly fun watch.
American International Pictures had big plans for Count Yorga that sadly never materialized. Following the success of the first two films, there were plans for a third Count Yorga film where, this time, Count Yorga would be a homeless man in the streets of LA, making an army of homeless people. Sadly, it never got off the ground. In addition, there were, at one point in time, plans to have Count Yorga face off against Vincent Price's Dr. Phibes in Dr. Phibes Rises Again, but, because we live in the bad timeline, it never ended up happening.
Instead, Robert Quarry was cast as Darrus Biederbeck, an archeologist who acts as the foe for Dr. Phibes. There was a sort of sequel to Count Yorga called Deathmaster, released in 1973, where Robert Quarry plays a hippie cultist vampire. But that film sucks and I refuse to consider it part of this series! So, unfortunately, the Count Yorga series ends with only two perfectly good films, which I think is a bummer.
And so concludes another tale of horror. The moral of our little tale? If a witch warns you that somebody will lead to you doom, you better make sure to listen to them. That will end this month's story. I've been your host, Vincent Van Shoeul, inviting you to join us next month for another terrifying Van Shoeul's House of Ghouls.
Buc-eeās Part 2
Having stated that there is too much to see in a single trip, so, too, I thought there was too much to review in one single issue.
The prestige wears thin quickly, the wonder is lost, any sense of exploration is shot as every area of the map has been uncovered; I find myself not bothering going around and finding new things to try and instead just wanting to grab the things I know I like and get out before. Without the initial sense of wonder, Buc-eeās just becomes a time-sink for anyone genuinely just trying to get to their destination, with the payoff being some snacks that satisfy cravings easily met by something else. No foreign pristinely clean bathroom is going to sway me from delaying sitting in my own.
Lemon Crisps
Iām a fan of cookies, and Iām a fan of lemon, which made the Lemon Crisps an easy item for me to select from other listicles of Buc-eeās must-trys. I initially had a hard time finding these, as I had no reference picture to go by, and just assumed that cookies would be either at the bakery counter or on the nearby island shelves stocked with boxed cookies and treats. Instead, I found these on the floor level of the single-serve snack aisle that also had small sleeves of Oreos and other non-Buc-eeās-branded items.
The Lemon Crisps come in a transparent resealable tub where you can see the cookies as well as just how many of them have been pulverized into crumbs, which aided my purchase decision greatly. Physically light and airy, lending to a crispiness that the name alludes to. Much crunchier than one might expect, which threw me off as I was imagining it might be more like a lemon shortbread cookie and slightly disappointed as a result. The lemon smell puffs out once you get the pickle-bucket lid open, and with that goes much of the flavor, too. Yeah, yeah, you can get a hint of lemon, but itās a bit too subtle for something thatās not so fancy, or at least dissipates too quickly, leaving the cookie to feel a bit boring. The texture of it is also a bit strange to me, and itās not something Iām growing into at all as I continue eating more, rather, Iām finding myself wishing these were either much more thin to make the crispy aspect not feel so off-putting, or to just revoke the Crisp entirely and be softer, chewier, perhaps the shortbread I wouldāve liked instead. Overall theyāre not bad, theyāre really not, they are exactly what they claim to be and itās just misfortune on their end that I want something else, so I see no potential universe in which I would buy these again.
Nutty Bites Cinnamon Spiced Pecan
A bag of unattractive clods, they look like theyād be rock hard, but areā¦not exactly soft, but airy in the same direction as a wafer, likely due to the dry roasting process that desiccated these poor nuts. Theyāre pretty tolerable, but not much more, the best aspect of these is that the cinnamon flavor doesnāt lean towards fake spicy cinnamon and is instead just a pleasant earthy warmth. My 2 year old niece really likes them, eating the entire bag of them after the couple that I tried myself and shared
The bag says āIf you like real fruit, nuts (...)ā, which seemed strange to me as the ingredients only include pecans, brown rice syrup, cane sugar, cinnamon, and salt, but a quick Google search says that pecans are technically a kind of fruit, and now Iām feeling a bit upset that this bag description is leaning into duplicitous and conniving definitions, double dipping the pecan as both a fruit and a nut to act as if thereās more going on here when there isnāt.
Beaver Nuggets
Their most popular item, so why not have them in more flavors and types? Why not desserts?
White Fudge Beaver Nuggets
The white fudge was basically liquefied, even though I had these contained in an air-conditioned space the entire time. The fudge flavor didnāt mask anything I found horrible about the regular Beaver Nuggets, only delayed it with another unpleasant taste and texture, and experiencing the same horrid flavor as before swings the barometer against my prior question if the styrofoam vomit flavor was the result of a bad batch and instead that this is just what they are.
Milk Chocolate Beaver Nuggets
Actually tolerable, due to the creamy milky sweetness even of cheap chocolate being stronger than the Nugget itself, if not for them sticking to my teeth so bad that made me feel like I wasted my money on the dentist checkup I had 4 days prior. The texture pairing is very odd, though, and I donāt think Iād ever want to experience it again. The Beaver Nugget is just too airy to register close to a wafer texture but still a strange crunchy and stickiness that just makes me wish I instead bought a Kit Kat, as ātolerableā isnāt an adequate enough reason when I have so many other choices.
Ordering Kiosk
Thereās a few computer screens around where you can order some food to be prepared behind the counter and then brought to you, a standard service that I felt I should check out. Unfortunately the options I saw were pretty basic, not extending much further outside of kidās menu staples like grilled cheese, chicken tenders, a hot dog, some fries, you know, things that your picky friend always gets at restaurants after sighing heavily when the waitress says āsorry, is Mr. Pibb fine?ā Seeing nothing special here that made me feel excited about waiting around even longer, I opted to just ignore it and move on.
Bakery Counter
A long service counter dominates the back wall, where you will find full service beef jerky for very little reason when thereās easily four or five locations around the store where there are bagged jerky walls, alongside a bakery counter that makes more sense. At this display case you can get cookies, cinnamon rolls, muffins, maybe some other stuff like scones, andātheir primary focus and largest varietyākolaches. As far as I can tell thereās no number system, which I donāt mind not having at smaller deli counters where you can pretty easily tell whoās next, but with Buc-eeās the entire area around here is so open and sprawling, flooded with people gawking with no intent to purchase looking exactly the same as people gawking who are waiting for their turn, shoved aside by caravans of chuds with no crumb of decency in their body capable of acknowledging that there could even be a line to wait in.
For the miscellaneous fare thereās really not much to say. The cookies I got were Chocolate Chunk and White Macadamia Nut, and they sure were what they were. Nice and chewy, alright size, just nothing really spectacular or anything Iād want to have to interact with a service worker to receive. Theyāre available to grab off some shelves but come in packs that I donāt want to commit to. I also got a Peach Muffin, which was a muffin that had peach flavor, which I can say I did appreciate the streusel topping, but the actual muffin was no better than something I could get in a 4-pack at any grocery store.
Worthy of a separate paragraph, but not a section divider, is the Buc-eeās Paddle Tail, which appears to be puff pastry dough swirled into a shape of a beaver tail, dusted with cinnamon sugar, and drizzled with a glaze. Very reminiscent of pastry hearts, up to and including how it was inedibly rock hard by the time I got it home.
Kolaches
Easily the most critical bakery item they carry, as well as the one that has to have signage to give a clue what it is. A kolache is a Central European (specifically Czech and Slovak) sweet pastry bread that typically holds fruit and jam. In Texas, and therefore Buc-eeās, ākolacheā is also used to refer to a similar meat-filled pastry known as a klobasnek which seems to just be Texas exerting overwhelming environmental and societal pressure to generate convergent evolution of all forms into that of the hot dog. From what I see in comments from actual people with Czech and Slovak heritage is that the Buc-eeās kolaches are trash, but Iām neither of those and never grew up around them so I have really nothing to base it off of other than it sure looks like a sweet pastry or donut that has fruit plopped on top or maybe meat if youāre really feeling it, and honestly guys what else are you expecting from a cheap chain gas station pastry? If what youāre trying to get is professional bakery-level treats then youāre just in the wrong place entirely. Whether this is a reality check to expectations, or just admitting that the given quality should be assumed low, I will leave up to you, but upon first bite and all the way through completion this was to me just a sweet pastry or donut that has fruit plopped on top, and no more impressive than that. I donāt scorn its existence and it is welcome variety that I hope brings more Central European treats into more ubiquitous places, such as nussecken, but also fear what something like Buc-eeās may do to it.
Wondering if I should work here
Everywhere you look, almost as frequent as their buck-toothed mascot, are placards and signage advertising and boasting all of the privileges of working at Buc-eeās. Starting wages easily over double the federal minimum, 40-hour work weeks for full-time, healthcare, 401k, 3 weeks paid vacation, nice shiny danglies that may leave you asking āfor what in return?ā
My simple initial search engine research of āBuc-eeās reviewā certainly came up with a lot of listicles of things to try and news articles trying their best to explain the cult, but what came up with discouraging frequency were horrifically bad workplace reviews. The benefits the workers receive have overwhelming reports of it being a sham, with the workplace being toxic and rife with favoritism. Harsh internal policies that leave no room for basic human reality, break times (dubbed āmomentsā) that are abysmally short, and PTO that is dangled in front of new promotes like an anglerfishās lure leaving them momentarily entranced before itās snatched back to be turned into unwilling sick pay as sharp teeth of being overworked with no support quickly chew you up. One particular comment stuck out to me: āAfter my employment with Buc-ees I will never stop or shop at one again. After seeing its operations and lack of care for how they treat their employees and even customers it's a place that deserves no recognition or praise.ā Maybe this sentiment is just the picture of non-Texas locations. With where I work itās certainly a fact that stores in our home state are much more populous, embedded in local culture, have tighter loyalty and higher standards that are actually met, with varying formats and sizes; meanwhile, stores further out in new states are much more sparse, massive with pretty much every bell and whistle specialty venue to show off to new customer bases, but have much more tyrannical regional leadership. I work in a place that has tinges of all of these complaints, but the sheer viciousness I can feel coming through the consistent and verifiable pained comments just tells of horrors beyond comprehension. Seeing this stuff having equal billing as their cult droning on pushes me to consider this a one-and-done review (well, two) with not much desire to go back once Iāve gone through all the food I want to try. Perhaps my personal stance on this stuff is a lot more firm than others are willing to make, as we can see with Chick-fil-A and the Hogwarts Legacy, but itās one that can be easily made because itās not like Walmart that is often the only choice for lower-wage people and instead is a destination truck stop-lite that no one ever really needs to go to.
An outside perspective looking in, but maintaining a positive perception is whatās required to keep a pool of prospective applicants.
Chamoy Peach Rings
Having seen videos of chamoy-covered mangos being constantly posted by the Food Insider Twitter account at such an obnoxious repetitive frequency, I had a running familiarity with what was going on here. The promise of a sweet-sour-spicy peach ring was too interesting to avoid, so into my basket it went to the absolute horror of my family I was shopping with. Iām not sure if itās their similar food trauma reluctance to try anything new that I had to make a concerted effort to break out of by starting this entire review saga, maybe itās our nordic roots that render anything spicier than thyme feel like an exercise in masochism, but it made me a little apprehensive, too. Fear quickly left, though, after I was pleased with how the flavors worked with each other; the spiciness kicked in for a nice āOoh, Wowā while the standard peach ring sweetness carried it through without much lingering simmering. It reminds me a bit of a mangonada, with that TajĆn flavor. I should also note that theyāre a bit dry; not that I expect a soppinā wet experience from gummy candy but these left me a bit parched. The wonder also wore off pretty quickly, too, and I got bored with them after a couple pieces; not to an extent of not buying a bag every time Iāve gone, but maybe this is something that couldāve been better as a mixed gummy bag.
Also available to buy are Chamoy Gummi Bears, which makes clear to me now that this is a Texas-based company having available Mexican-American childhood snacks, Mexican influence of dulces enchilados making its way into Texas. Itās always fun and interesting to me to see regional influences on food and product availability, and I think this feels more Texan to me than the cheap brisket they try to shill. Iād definitely like to see more things slathered with chamoy.
| The 'Shroom: Issue 195 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes ā¢ The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News ā¢ Fun Stuff ā¢ Palette Swap ā¢ Pipe Plaza ā¢ Critic Corner ā¢ Strategy Wing |
| Specials | Coming Soon ā¢ Community Awards Dossier ā¢ Challenger Approaching! |
