Written by: MrConcreteDonkey (talk)
MARIO SWITCHES ON CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IN TOAD TOWN...AGAIN
 Mario switching on the Toad Town Christmas lights. The imaginatively named "Toad Town" is home to an estimated 50,000 Toads, 30,000 Goombas, and at least 13 hills with eyes, not to mention massive amount of other species. And other things with eyes. Like, clouds, and flowers, and those weird things that come out of the ground in Paper Mario. Toad Town is also the capital city of the Mushroom Kingdom, home to Princess Peach's castle.
However, turnout for the ceremony was at an all-time low - 36 people turned up, including Mario's brother Luigi, Princess Peach and Mario's former business associate Swanky Kong.
Many theories have been put forward as to why turnout was so low this year. We asked top scientist Kruss T., who replied "Why are you asking me? I'm a scientist. This has nothing to do with science." He later suggested that we should go ask people who actually lived in the town.
An elderly Toad who wishes to remain nameless because I can't think of any more Toad puns said: "Well, it's not like I have anything against Mario. 'E's a very nice young man. 'E came round my house once when 'e was about this 'igh [gestures]...'e was throwing this ball around and it went through m'window and 'e looked at me with 'is little eyes an' 'is little face, and 'e asked me if I could give 'im 'is ball back, and I said..."
Wario, a 'close friend' of Mario, said "Hahaha! What a loser! I bet if they had the money to hire me, they'd do it in a heartbeat!"
Some have suggested that people are getting tired of Mario as an icon. A young Toad with a shouty voice told me "Mario's not cool enough! Down with the monarchy! Get someone like Bowser to do it! Down with the monarchy! Viva la revolución!"
Last year, as part of the Year of Luigi celebrations, Luigi was invited to turn on the Christmas lights. Originally, he took the Toad Town council up on their generous offer, but a few moments later, Luigi refused, after having 'discussed' the matter with his brother. And by 'discussed', I'm explicitly implying that Mario was in some way violent or forceful in making Luigi turn down the offer. But that's an implication, so I'm not actually saying it. Clever, right?
"I would've gone if Luigi turned on the lights," said a Goomba. "Well, actually, no I wouldn't. It's dumb and meaningless. There's a guy who turns on the lights in a Toad House somewhere nearby. Probably that one in the background of the picture you've used. Don't ask me how I know about the picture. Oh, and while I'm here, there probably isn't a Santa Claus. Merry Christmas, kids."
We would like to reassure all children that Santa Claus does exist. Here's a picture of him:
He can be found in Dream Events during December, and finding him will net you a sweet total of 300 Star Tokens. Thanks for reading, and have a great Christmas.
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