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Hi everyone! I am enjoying April so far. I'm also really enjoying my [[Nintendo Switch]]! I am anticipating for [[Mario Kart 8 Deluxe]], which if I played it enough, I will probably review it next month. But it kind of is coming out late in the month. So we’ll see what happens. Anyway, enjoy my review of <b>[[Paper Mario]]!</b> | Hi everyone! I am enjoying April so far. I'm also really enjoying my [[Nintendo Switch]]! I am anticipating for [[Mario Kart 8 Deluxe]], which if I played it enough, I will probably review it next month. But it kind of is coming out late in the month. So we’ll see what happens. Anyway, enjoy my review of <b>[[Paper Mario]]!</b> | ||
Revision as of 17:51, February 4, 2019
Director's Notes
Happy belated April Fool's Day, Happy Easter, Happy Passover, Happy Earth Day, Happy Take Your Daughter to Work Day, and most importantly Happy Income Tax Deadline!!! Lots of stuff to keep everyone busy, I know I am, I'm currently writing this paragraph during a crunch session after work to fulfill a checklist I made for myself to give myself permission to play video games.
Also this month we welcome Luigi 64DD (talk) to our big Critic Corner family with his new section Countdowns!
Congrats this month goes to Lord Bowser (talk) for tying at 1st place for CC's Section of the Month alongside me, Hypnotoad (talk), which I appreciate! I was totally expecting to be slaughtered for my section so this is a pleasant alternative.
Also a heads up: 2 months from now for June's issue, #123, we will be having a Wario theme. Some ideas are still in the works but we of course urge and would welcome any sections that have anything to do about Wario on his 25th anniversary!
Section of the Month
| Critic Corner SECTION OF THE MONTH | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Place | Section | Votes | % | Writer |
| 1st | Anton's Half-Baked Reviews | 11 | 34.38% | Hypnotoad (talk) |
| 1st | Lord Bowser's Inside Story | 11 | 34.38% | Lord Bowser (talk) |
| 2nd | Could Have Been | 3 | 9.38% | Alex95 (talk) |
| 3rd | DragonFreak's Review Quest | 2 | 6.25% | DragonFreak (talk) |
| 3rd | Graphic Novel Reviews | 2 | 6.25% | FunkyK38 (talk) |
Stretch your critic muscles with what's new in the world today
[read more]
Lord Bowser gets inside Bowser's Inside story in this Inside Story
[read more]
Yoshi876's Monthly Thoughts
Hello readers and welcome to my Monthly Thoughts! Here, I give a run down on the ten, news stories that interested me the most in the past month. Most of these will be me shining the light on lesser known stories, among some of the larger ones of the past month. This issue we'll be covering news from March 12 - April 8.
10. Face scanners to combat toilet paper thief - This might be my favourite news story of the past month. Elderly citizens in Beijing have been stealing toilet paper for home use, so now face scanners have been introduced into public restrooms. The machines will give out 60cm worth of toilet paper, after the customer has stood in front of a camera for three seconds. Obviously malfunctions have occurred, and whilst the situation is amusing to an outsider like me, I imagine it might be annoying for those in Beijing who desperately need to go.
9. 'Vampires' discovered in small Yorkshire village - Okay, so not actual vampires, but remains dating back to medieval times were discovered, and the corpses had been mutilated, decapitated, and burnt shortly following their deaths. Back in those days, that's how people thought you killed vampires. What's interesting, is this is the first known bones discovered in England like this, in all honesty I thought it would've happened before. Even though this happened hundreds of years ago, I do wonder what made people believe that these people were / would become vampires.
8. Canadian volunteers denied entry to U.S. on fear of stealing jobs - This is a bit of an oddball one. A group of volunteers from a Canadian church set off to New Jersey to help those affected by Hurricane Sandy all of those years ago. However, they were stopped at the border, and told they didn't have the proper documentation that outlined their intentions, when they sent it, they were denied access as they were feared to be stealing American jobs. Believe me, I do understand the rationale behind wanting jobs in your country to go more to your people, but when it comes to unpaid volunteer work, this seems to be one step too far, especially since because of their denial they were unable to help some people who still needed it.
7. Repair bill sent to family of killed teenager - It's safe to say that the state of Tennessee have some apologizing to do to a family, after they sent them the repair bill for a guardrail that led to the death of their daughter. In the car accident, the guardrail impaled the victim instead of buckling like it was supposed to, so the $3000 price tag, was definitely an oversight that should never have happened.
6. Cure to PTSD? - A common antibiotic, doxycycline, has been found to disrupt negative thoughts forming, which obviously could help with curing PTSD. However, my thoughts head more to depression. If this disrupts negative thoughts, perhaps it could help in there, instead of the addictive anti-depressants.
5. Mexican man accused of rape cleared as he "didn't enjoy it" - Well that's alright then, isn't it? No crime committed because the alleged perpetrator didn't enjoy it. Honestly, this is sickening, and I have nothing left to say about it.
4. Gay panic no longer valid defence in Australia - Australia may not have full equal rights for its LGBT citizens yet, but at least they threw out this abhorrent defence for murder. Before the bill passed, it was legal to murder someone by claiming that an unwanted homosexual advance was made upon the attacker. This seems like a law suited for the 17th century, instead of one of the most developed countries in the world, and I'm glad that it's finally been put in the trash pile.
3. Brigitte Gabriel visits White House - The leader of the anti-Muslim group, Act for America, visited the White House in the past month for a "very productive meeting." Given how Act for America has been labelled as a hate group, I shudder to imagine what she means as very productive, and I also shudder at the thought the White House agreed for her to visit them. This could be a very bad turn for the Trump administration.
2. Spinach leaves turned into heart tissue - I cannot stand spinach, I think it's absolutely disgusting, so I welcome this news. Scientists have been able to get a spinach leaf to replicate heart tissue. As leaves also have veins, scientists removed all of the plant cells to perform the experiment, further findings will be published in May. Hopefully they will be able to use it to help people after heart attacks, instead of having it for human consumption.
1. Westminster terror attack - As an Englishman this one really struck home for me. A British-born man rammed into pedestrians on Westminster Bridge, before stabbing a police officer whilst attempting to get into the Houses of Parliament. The terrorist, alongside four other people died. However, it's the aftermath than spoke to me. Londoners woke up the next morning, and continued on with their business showing that as a nation we aren't afraid. And although some of the tube posters may have been fake, some of the inspirational ones weren't, and that's what we should take away from this.
Could Have Been
Hello everyone! My name is Alex95 and welcome to "Could Have Been". In this segment, I'm going to talk about features that didn't quite make it into a game's final release and see just how the cut content would've affected the game. This time, I'll be discussing the removed features from Super Smash Bros. Melee! So let's dive right in and take a look at what could have been.
What would a fighting game be without characters, and Melee introduced a lot of them! But did you know even more were planned to be included? Ness was originally supposed to be replaced with Lucas, the protagonist of Mother 3. Due to Mother 3's delay in development, however, Lucas was cut and Ness was brought back. Obviously, Lucas did become playable in the sequels, but imagine how he would've played in Melee; would he have had Ness's moveset? Or would he have become a character all of his own?
In addition to the Ice Climbers, another "retro" character was being considered. Bubbles from Clu Clu Land, the Balloon Fighter from Balloon Fight, and an "Excitebiker" were all considered, but ultimately dropped. I imagine Bubbles would've some sort of "slingshot" move where she flings herself forward, the Balloon Fighter would've had what is now Villager's recovery move, and the Excitebiker would probably just run over fighters. I can see why they were dropped, there wasn't much to improve upon. Ayumi Tachibana from the Famicom Detective Club series was also considered, but rejected as she lacked familiarity outside Japan, though that didn't stop Marth and Roy from entering the fray! Speaking of which, Marth and Roy were originally going to be exclusive to the Japanese version of the game! Good thing Nintendo of America decided to keep them in, otherwise Fire Emblem would've never come to the west (the horror…).
Third party characters were also considered for Melee! Sonic the Hedgehog and Solid Snake were requested by their respective developers to be included, but they were requested near the end of Melee's development, so they didn't make it in. Both of which did make it into Super Smash Bros. Brawl, however, and they were even one of the first characters introduced into the game! I wonder how their moveset would've differed, as there was seven years between Melee and Brawl, some ideas had to be different. Sonic likely would've kept his special moves, but his standard attacks could've been different. And I wonder how Snake's guided missile and remote-detonated bomb would've worked, if they were included. If the characters were included, Melee likely would've been pushed back beyond the Nintendo GameCube's launch window into mid-2003. Wario was also considered, but was cut due to Masahiro Sakurai not wanting too many Mario characters in the game. Eh, who really cared about Wario anyway?
Now let's talk stages. Among the many cut stages, Sprout Tower from Pokémon Gold and Silver Versions was planned. Not much is known about it, but I envision it as a multi-layered stage similar to Luigi's Mansion with many breaks in it and perhaps a chasm in the center. A stage based on Archanea from Fire Emblem is perhaps the most elusive and famous stage among dataminers; absolutely nothing is known about it as the only thing left in the coding is its name, if there was anything else. It's possible the stage would've taken place on or near Nyna's castle or a different location in the nation. Think Castle Siege, but only with the first part of the stage. There's also a "test" stage still within the game's coding. It's a weird looking, bland stage with the background being that of a café. …Okay?
As for the stages that did make it into the game, a few of them when through some changes. The Mushroom Kingdom stage looked very different, looking aesthetically similar to the original Super Mario Bros. and possibly acting like the stage from Super Smash Bros. Temple had an elevator reminiscent of Zelda II: The Adventure of Link and it had some additional platforms, the latter of which can still be seen during Melee's Special Movie. Pokémon Stadium also had additional Pokémon in the background, like Venusaur, but they were instead used as Poké Ball Pokémon. The Great Bay stage was also angled differently, allowing fighters to walk into the laboratory.
Among the changes made to the gameplay, there was originally going to be a mode that allowed eight players to play at once! This wasn't implemented due to hardware constraints, but was fully realized in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U. Seeing as the GameCube only has four controller ports, 8-Player Mode would've likely made use of the GameCube's LAN mode, where two or more GameCubes can connect to each other locally. Remnants of the mode can still be found in modes like Multi-Man Melee, where up to six characters can appear on screen at a time. Assist Trophies, called "Assist Capsules", were also planned for the game, likely working as they did in Brawl. It's unknown what characters would've been used or how they would've worked.
With all the Pokémon added into the game, where there any that were cut? Yes. The Pokémon Ditto was originally part of the randomly chosen Pokémon. Hacking it into the game just has it say its Japanese name ("Metamon") and damage fighters close to it, then disappears. According to Nintendo Power, Ditto would’ve transformed into a clone of the fighter who summoned it, allying with them as a computer character. That would've been cool to see! Bring it in to Smash 5, please!
With a game as big as Super Smash Bros. Melee, it's not surprising some things had to be removed or changed entirely. These are just some of what was changed, you can learn more on this article here or view the game's pages on The Cutting Room Floor. Until next time, thanks for reading and good luck with Event 51!
Try [various acrobatics]
I’ve been hoping that this would be suggested one day, as a show of the range of stuff I said I would review. Only a couple were mentioned so I’m going to take some artistic liberty and select a few that I’m aware of thanks to watching every female Olympics gymnastics routine since I was born plus a bunch more on youtube, liking Katya, and clicking around the “Gymnastics manoeuvres” Wikipedia category. Just to let you know, I waited until I was home alone to do these and set up all of my pillows around myself just in case. I considered taking a picture but decided it’s best not to allow yet another piece of blackmail against me to enter cyberspace.
Stand on your head
“The headstand, or sometimes head stand, is a pose that is an inversion posture of standing head down.”
Ok so based on the pictures and use of “inversion” this should be like completely horizontal with your head where your feet should be and feet where your head should be. Cephalopod means head-foot so maybe with this I can become one with a cuttlefish. So, actually trying it, launching my legs up seems to be the hardest part to figure out how to do right away because I’m not exactly used to centering my balance in this direction, so of course I fall over a whole bunch. Luckily, I discovered the neat trick of just leaning against the wall to achieve the inverted effect and whammo bammo I did the pose.
Do a handstand
“A handstand is the act of supporting the body in a stable, inverted vertical position by balancing on the hands. In a basic handstand the body is held straight with arms and legs fully extended, with hands spaced approximately shoulder-width apart. There are many variations of handstands, but in all cases a handstand performer must possess adequate balance and upper body strength.”
This one looks totally harder than the headstand because you have to actually use arm strength to hold yourself up instead of cheating and creating a tripod out of your hands/forearms and head. I think I’m pretty good with balancing but upper body strength is non-existent; all of my power is in my legs because it is my life goal to be Xenia Onatopp from Goldeneye and be able to kill people with my thighs. I approached this one similarly to the headstand, but essentially just kinda launched myself before achieving a vertical position, which I think might count as a somersault instead so kudos to me for the surprise alternate trick.
Do a cartwheel
“A cartwheel is a sideways rotary movement of the body. It is performed by bringing the hands to the floor one at a time while the body inverts. The legs travel over the body trunk while one or both hands are on the floor, and then the feet return to the floor one at a time, ending with the performer standing upright.”
I’ve always imagined this as just like a person rolling around like a wheel would but I guess it makes sense that it’s just kind of like a handstand that you do by lobbing your legs above you and then just landing instead of standing or dying. This is totally something I need a big open area to do and not just my bedroom with a closed and locked door, so all I did was imagine I did one and then also made mental notes that I should go outside more often and do some exercise and enjoy nature and also maybe get a gym membership and get a trampoline.
Do a split
“A split (commonly referred to as splits or the splits) is a physical position in which the legs are in line with each other and extended in opposite directions. (...) When executing a split, the lines defined by the inner thighs of the legs form an angle of approximately 180 degrees. This large angle significantly stretches, and thus demonstrates excellent flexibility of, the hamstring and iliopsoas muscles. Consequently, splits are often used as a stretching exercise to warm up and enhance the flexibility of leg muscles.”
I’m not sure if it’s apprehension going into this because everyone I see doing this just goes and does it instantly, because trying to stretch or slide into it feels like I’m being ripped in half. I feel like this is one I can really do if I practice more at it so maybe I will.
Death drop?
“A type of dance when a dancer dramatically falls backwards into a struck pose on the ground, usually to end a dance.”
I included this one because it’s all the rage in RuPaul’s Drag Race and some of the queens do it so often that it may as well be considered a method of locomotion. Some of them drop into splits but it’s not required, as long as you 1) Drop, and 2) Look good doing it. I’ve certainly got those two down, and all I need to figure out next is how to twirl into one so it looks cohesive and also not literally die when I fall thanks to not using my leg as a spring and brace to prevent my head from slamming onto the ground. Looking at you, Gwen Stacy.
OK well a lot of the more fun ones to try seem to require bars, trampolines, or being made of elastic, so before I get any serious injury I’ll call this off.
Rating: Going without Chex Mix for an extended period of time
Explanation: All of these acrobatic moves are a quick way to feeling lightheaded and dizzy, just as starving often does. Also just like not eating Chex Mix, gymnastics is probably good for your overall health, even though it hurts and not something you want to be doing.
April Fool’s Day
It’s bad
Rating: No
Explanation: Stop
Stop writing
Well you don’t have to be that blunt, but I guess I’ll give it a whirl.
To do this, first I
:^)
Tune in next month where I all kinds of topics relating to I have no idea yet because I haven't picked a theme yet! Also, tell me what to review next! Here’s my Steam Inventory filled with games I haven’t played for some ideas, but things you can tell me to do can also be movies, shows, physical actions, trying new foods, music, literally anything and I’ll cover it eventually if it’s not too ridiculous. Just send me a message here on my talk page or PM it to me on the forum. Don't like what I have to say? That's fine, and probably bound to happen because I've been told about how much people like Super Mario 64 and how they feel about any criticism of it! We at Critic Corner will welcome your alternate review of it as a new section for the next issue!
Countdowns
Written by: Luigi 64DD (talk)
Hello, fellow wikians! I’m Luigi 64DD, and I’m here to give you countdowns of various things Mario and Nintendo related! This one is the Top 10 Super Mario Games. Of course, when I say Super Mario, I mean the platforming titles only. Another thing to note is that I did not include Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island, Super Mario Run, or any of the other games that aren’t 100% guaranteed to be in the series. With that said, let’s begin this, and make sure to grab a Super Mushroom along the way! Starting off the list is one of the two NSMB games that I consider to have originality. Since this one was the first game in that sub-series, that's not surprising. It is a worthy reboot of the side-scrolling games, with nearly everything that made the SMB games great and more. While it does not have a co-op multiplayer mode, it has a surprisingly fun competitive multiplayer mode and all the minigames from Super Mario 64 DS. It set the standard for what a NSMB game is-- which has perhaps been followed too closely with some of the more recent ones.
Well, there you have it, folks. Agree? Disagree? Wish you could punch me in the face right now? Whatever the case may be, you can tell me your thoughts in a thread I plan to open on the Boards when this issue is released. The thread will have #17 - 11 of my favorite Super Mario games, which had to be cut from this section. It's kinda like a bonus feature! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this list, and don’t forget to come back next month for another amazing countdown! Until then, Adiós, amigos!
Marioverse Reviews
Written by: Rosalina1999 (talk)
Hi everyone! I am enjoying April so far. I'm also really enjoying my Nintendo Switch! I am anticipating for Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, which if I played it enough, I will probably review it next month. But it kind of is coming out late in the month. So we’ll see what happens. Anyway, enjoy my review of Paper Mario!
Paper Mario is an amazing RPG game on the Nintendo 64. It released in 2001 (except in Japan). In my mind, it’s the best Paper Mario out there! It is full of adventure. It has an original backstory: Mario saves Peach. In this review, I will state the positives and negatives of Paper Mario. Enjoy!
The game is just amazing! It has a great plot. It has chapters, with Mario defeating enemies along the way like if it were the player controlling a storybook. Each chapter has its own environment. Throughout the game, Mario meets new partners. He meets Goombario, which is capable of headbonking and tattling (useful especially in battles), Kooper, which can reach things far away with his shell and shoot his shell in battle, Bombette, which can explode weak walls and use bomb in battle, Parakarry, who can fly Mario above gaps that are too far apart and can attack enemies in the air with his shell, Lady Bow, which can hide Mario and smack enemies, Watt, who can brighten up dark places and electric shock during battle, Sushie, who can make Mario go above water by riding on her and could squirt water on enemies during battle, and finally, Lakilester, who can take Mario over lava and spikes, and throw spinies during battle. All of them help well. I like every single one of them.
One of the reasons I like Paper Mario is because it is really fun to play, and it’s cute! I mean, isn’t Princess Peach adorable? Anyway, the final battle on Mario is …Spoiler Alert… really hard! I hate it when Bowser raises 30 HP during battle like two or three times during the battle ...Safe to read now… But at least the ending is nice to watch. Other than the Bowser battle, I really have no complaint about this game. The Bowser Battle is kinda fun actually...
This game gets… a 10/10! It is really fun, and I really recommend that you get it, because its one of the greatest Mario games I’ve ever played in my life! I haven’t played Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door yet, but when I do, I’ll make sure to review it for you guys. Thanks for reading, and have a great April!
Character Review
Goomboss
Recently, I've been exposed to the Paper Mario series through an LP, now whilst I played a bit of Super Paper Mario when I was younger, I never got that far into it (Mimi's house if I recall correctly), and I never bought any of the future games, as I can't say their gameplay seemed that interesting. One of the things that struck me in Paper Mario was characters being based off of existing enemies, which is something I actually quite like. So here is my review of the king of Goombas, Goomboss.
As stated above Goomboss is the king of all Goombas, although only through begging Bowser. This already gives the character a Yoshi's Island vibe, and he could easily have been a boss in that series. This makes Goomboss all that more appealing, while he does go on to appear in different kinds of Mario games, it speaks volumes when a character could easily flow into a different sub-series, especially for a series that is happy to dump characters.
As I've mentioned, Goomboss does go on to appear in further Mario titles, Super Mario 64 DS and Mario Kart DS to be specific. However, in both of these his placement isn't great. Goomboss is a boss again in Super Mario 64 DS, and this time he's surrounded by Goombas, but his boss fight is woefully dire. You don't even fight him, you just stomp on, or swallow, all of the Goombas that he has following him, it would have been nice to stomp on, or even ground pound his regal head. In Mario Kart DS you just race him around Baby Park, whilst he throws Goombas at you. His little cheating bit at the end is amusing, but overall it's nothing special, yet again. His Paper Mario boss fight on the other hand is actually fairly interesting, due to the chestnut tree, and as a first proper Chapter Boss, the fight is fittingly simple.
They seemed to have missed a key trick with Goomboss, however. His kooky eyes give the impression of someone mad, but in all of his appearance he never seems to demonstrate these. In Paper Mario he seems to be a decent king, and he certainly has all of his bearing, in Super Mario 64 DS his quotes are quite eloquent, and to be honest there's no real characterization to go off of in Mario Kart DS. He cheats like you'd expect a villain to do. However, despite his appearance in a main series Mario game, like most characters, he is quickly forgotten. Goomboss hasn't appeared since Mario Kart DS, despite New Super Mario Bros. having a Goomba as a boss. It's quite annoying to see the king of Goombas get passed up for an ordinary large Goomba, and then dusted under the rug.
The quotes that Goomboss is given are brilliant. It always merits a chuckle in Paper Mario when Goomboss seems to unwillingly advise Mario on how to destroy his castle, and his talking down to Luigi in Super Mario 64 DS further highlights how everyone in the series looks down on the green plumber. And it's nice to see a king care for his people, as he hates how the Goombas are constantly stepped on. This motif may have been used before in Super Mario 64 with the Whomp King, but at least it's better than the kings who don't even bother to mention their subjects.
Overall, I like Goomboss. Whilst I do wish they would've gone with a mad king based on his eyes, I like the characterization that they actually did give to him, it's nice to see a first level boss not just be a throwaway in this way. Personally, I would've preferred him not to be in Mario Kart DS, as it seems lazy that they just brought all the bosses from 64 DS in lieu of coming up with some racing-based bosses, but I still hold out hope that Goomboss will come back to us one day. Because unlike most characters, I actually want him to return.
Meta Knight's Boss Battle Reviews
Written by: Meta Knight (talk)
Hello and welcome to this month's boss battle! For this month, I recently had spring break, and one of my close friends had never beaten Super Mario Galaxy. So I challenged them to beat the game before the break had ended. They succeeded, but made a note of one boss in particular that was difficult for them. So I'm covering this boss so that I can share my feelings about it. What is this you may ask? This is the ghoul found in the Ghostly Galaxy, Bouldergeist!
Bouldergeist is a rock monster that is possessed with shadows and ghosts. When the fight begins, it will be just a face. He will throw several rocks at you, some of which may be a different color. Black rocks will turn into Bomb Boos, and yellow rocks will turn into a Coin. In order to defeat Bouldergeist, you'll need to use Bomb Boos and slam them into him. This is a relatively long fight if you aren't used to the Bomb Boos. I do think that he puts up a decent challenge compared to other bosses in the game. When hitting Bouldergeist the first time, you'll remove a chunk of his armor. Then you can use another Bomb Boo to hit his vulnerable area. Bouldergeist will have a red tongue for you to slam yet another Bomb Boo. Like I said, this is a long fight if you aren't prepared.
However, Bouldergeist has a few more tricks up his nonexistent sleeves. There is a second phase in this fight, where he will grow hands. Bouldergeist looks intimidating, which is a good trait for a boss in the Ghostly Galaxy to have. He has more attacks that he will use, but the method to defeat him is the same. Slam Bomb Boos in his face and make him cry. However, it's a lot harder to this time. For one thing, the hands tend to get in the way. You can destroy the hands, but they also will grow back if you wait too long. They made a boss fight that keeps you on your toes, and when he's defeated it feels so satisfying. The music fits as well.
There's one more thing I should mention about Bouldergeist. It would be a disservice for me to not mention the Daredevil Comet. On first playthroughs, Bouldergeist is tough but now you get to do it without getting hit once. This is extremely difficult for new players, and I understand wanting to quit and forget about it. On my first playthrough, I died like over 30 times. However, after some time I wanted to play Super Mario Galaxy again. I knew I would have to do this and I dreaded it. On my second playthrough though, I was surprised because I beat it like first try. If you want that golden 120 stars, you'll have to do this Daredevil Comet, but he's not going to let you have it easy. Daredevil really gets the adrenaline going more so than the regular fight could imagine.
Overall, Bouldergeist is a good boss, at least on normal. His design is cool, his fight has substance, and the atmosphere is great. Daredevil can be frustrating though, and requires a lot of patience. I would say go fight Bouldergeist on normal. If you want to get 120 Stars, or just want a bigger challenge, then go ahead and fight him on Daredevil as well. Whatever you decide to do, with practice I'm sure you can have Bouldergeist grovel at your feet.
Movie Reviews
Rango
| Rango | |
|---|---|
| |
| Genres | Animated, Western |
| Release date | March 2011 |
| Starring | Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, Ned Beatty |
| Runtime | 107 minutes |
| Ratings | PG (UK) |
Although I disagree with the tone of the film, the animation does capture it perfectly, and the mood is brilliantly set because of the animation. The standout scene for me was when Rattlesnake Jake was getting Rango to admit to everyone that he had lied about his past exploits, due to how parental it comes across. As a kid's movie, the tone he struck really pushes the message to children that you shouldn't lie to impress others.
Now some of you are probably going to be confused about that opening paragraph, and are wondering if I've gone mad, but I did it for a reason. The 'Shroom has a diverse readership, and I'm well aware that some of our readers don't like negativity, therefore I put all of the positives in the opening paragraph, so they can read them, and move on, whilst I talk about what is genuinely the worst film I have ever seen.
I hate Rango's plot, I hate Rango's characters, I hate Rango's tone, I just plain hate Rango.
As you can probably tell the plot follows a chameleon called Rango. And in about five minutes into the film, it already annoys me. Rango (Depp) is a pet, and his cage is accidentally thrown out of the back of the car. However, as it ends up he is either owned by the worst or the most unobservant pet owners in the history of mankind, as they fail to hear that their back window has smashed, and that their pet is missing. Rango ends up in the town of Dirt, which accurately describes the film, and after lying to the townsfolk by making up stories of his heroism, he becomes their new sheriff. His major role as sheriff is finding out where all the water is going, and then things just start becoming ridiculous. I'd attempt to write it down for you, but considering I can't get it clear in my head, I highly doubt I'll be able to communicate it in a coherent manner for you.
As a result of a bad plot, there are numerous bad scenes throughout. The worst one is probably the aerial chase sequence where the villainous mole rats ride bats and chase a ragtag bunch of characters in what ended up as a confusing mess, and a complete waste of ten minutes. Another notable bad moment is the middle finger the film gives to Clint Eastwood, the most well-known Western film actor. In what is supposed to be a homage to The Man with No Name, ends up being a massive insult, as they fail to cast the great man, despite the character being him, and it ends up being another confusing scene in which I can't tell if it's real or just a hallucination.
I've hammed on about the plot for too long, so now I'm going to move onto the "characters". I wrote characters like that, because in all honesty there aren't any. The characters are as follows: generic hero, generic love interest for the hero, generic corrupt politician, generic scary henchmen. Throughout the 107 minutes I sat through, there wasn't a single character I liked. I genuinely hoped that they would never get the water back, and that they would all die of dehydration. The narrator of the film kept saying Rango would die, and I was shouting at my television for it to happen, sadly this never came to fruition.
What's annoying is that they could have done stuff with the characters. Beans's (Fisher) motivation was to save her father's land, but you never see the land so there's no investment in her plight. Her character traits are dumb as well, other than the whole land thing, all she has is her randomly freezing at points, which is annoying, and offers nothing. If it's supposed to be funny, it didn't just miss the mark, it missed anything else in the nearby vicinity. What's even worse is because she's the lead female, she ends up being part of one of cinema's most forced romances ever. Her and Rango share barely any scenes, and yet she still kisses him passionately enough to nearly ruin his plan near the climax. Another instance of bad characters is when Rango forms a ragtag band to help him reclaim the bank's water reserve, as none of the characters he gets have any special talents, so there's nothing to remember them by. Usually with films with ragtag groups, each member has a special talent so you pinpoint who they are. In this instance, no one can do anything, so if you're looking for a specific character, good luck. I've looked through their character descriptions on Wikipedia, and I still can't identify any of them.
What really annoys me about this film is that people were paid for this. A writer has paid to have the mole rats steal the bank's water reserve, only to find it empty, but still take it anyway, and expect results. Someone was paid to have the mole rats bring up Rango giving them prospecting equipment, after mistaking them for prospectors, and then have this fact disappear into the ether, as no character seems to care.
The tone is majorly off as well. This is supposed to be a kid's movie, but the aesthetic, mood, and tone are more geared towards adults. In the first ten minutes we're treated to a ran over armadillo, and I'm not talking Tom and Jerry style run over, I'm talking how it might look in real life, but don't worry the animators forget about this, and in the next scene he's perfectly a-okay, and it looks like nothing ever happened. The moles rats which feature quite extensively, are downright disturbing to look at, and Beans doesn't fare much better either. These characters look like they will give their target audience nightmares. The jokes are geared more for adult audiences as well, there wasn't anything funny for the children, and whilst I chuckled at it, a lesbian joke really has no place in a kid's movie. It feels like the producers tried to cater to the parents too much, and as a result it ends up as a weird hybrid between kid's movie and adult's movie, that will end up appealing to none of them.
And yet as I say all these things, I'm aware that this film won numerous awards, and was critically acclaimed. And this leaves me with some major questions. How much bride money did producers give to people, or how good were the blowjobs they offered? Honestly, people go on about Suicide Squad being an undeserving Oscar winner, but at least it won in a category where to be honest it was the best. It had amazing hair and make-up, this film was an awful animated adventure. Despite its many plotholes, some award body still found it to have the best writing, and I seriously don't understand how.
I hate swearing in reviews, but in all honesty there's no better way to describe how I felt about this film. Rango was shit. Period.
Greetings, 'Shroom readers. This is Lord Bowser here with a new edition of Lord Bowser's Inside Story for you all!
Today, I'll be covering the namesake of my section; Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story. Within Bowser's body, there is an optional area that Mario and Luigi can visit, known as the Challenge Node. As the name suggests, this place is where you can test your skills against extra-hard versions of bosses and where you can see how long you can keep a special attack going.
At the bottom of the area, you're greeted by special Emoglobins telling you about what those two doors contain. In the leftmost door is the Gauntlet, where massively buffed up versions of bosses await; in the rightmost door is Cholesteroad, where you have to keep a special attack rally going for as long as possible. Let's begin with the Gauntlet, as that's the far more exciting one.
There are six bosses that must be defeated in the Gauntlet; Durmite X, Kretin X, Wisdurm X, Bowser Memory MLX, Junker X, and Dark Star X. As you can probably tell, these are buffed versions of bosses fought during Mario and Luigi's part of the game; their respective X boss is unlocked upon their defeat, but in no way does that mean Mario and Luigi should go and fight it right away. All of these bosses have their base stats at least doubled, and you are given a preset limited item inventory, making them nearly impossible at lower levels without expert dodging techniques. To further add onto the pain, all battles have a set turn limit; if the battle goes over the number of turns allotted, you automatically lose. Luckily, instead of grinding for an arbitrary amount of time and hoping you're strong enough for the challenge, the Emoglobins within the Gauntlet just tell you what the recommended levels for each boss is. At or around these levels, the bosses aren't especially terrible; in fact, they're a pretty fair challenge at that point. They have rather disappointing rewards though, as every boss simply gives you coins... after taking away some of your own coins as a fee to fight them. What a smart idea.
Anywho, after defeating all six X bosses, a new challenge is opened up for you; all six X bosses again! This time, however, they must all be fought consecutively, with no intermissions in between. Since the recommended level for this challenge is 50, this makes pretty much all of the bosses before Junker X a complete cakewalk, Junker X himself a pushover, and Dark Star X quite easy when fought at this level. However, this new challenge doesn't stop there. Not at all. After defeating Dark Star X, you are presented with one last fight to battle your way through; Bowser X. And oh boy, is it a doozy.
Bowser X is the superboss of BIS, and true to the term "superboss", he pulls absolutely no punches. He has insanely high stats all across the board, and many of his attacks require very precise timing to successfully counter, as they all happen quite quickly. To make matters worse, you still have a very limited inventory and a 35-turn limit, which sounds like a lot until you realize you've probably wasted at least 15 of those on the previous bosses. His attacks are all of the attacks used in the Bowser fight in Dr. Toadley's office, though much more powerful and faster. He also gains three new attacks; the first is a counter move used whenever you use a special attack. After the special attack ends, Bowser uses his vacuum ability and swallows the attack, leaving you unable to use that attack for five turns. The second attack he uses is spamming fireballs at you, which thankfully don't deal very much damage alone; however, when the fireballs are countered with hammers, Bowser X will curl up into a ball and rain down fireballs at you. Afterwards, he'll try to quickly ram into you; this deals big damage if you're hit.
The last new attack is him turning giant, breathing fire at you, then chasing after you while having you dodge the flames in your path. Getting hit by the flames or running into them while being chased will deal massive damage to you, often leaving you unable to survive more than a few misses. To make matters worse, you only have two 1-Up Mushrooms and one 1-Up Super in your inventory for the entire boss rush, lowering your chances of successful revival. In short, Bowser X is a pain in the ass even at the recommended level 50, and nothing but torture any lower. Grinding to level 50 is no small task, either; though the Emoglobin near the Gauntlet recommends grinding in the Airway, that simply just gets boring, as you're not likely to gain more than a level by the time you go above 40, even after beating every enemy in there. That's actually the main reason I have yet to ever defeat Bowser X on my own; the grinding for it simply got too tedious, and I gave up.
The next big thing in the Gauntlet is Cholesteroad. In Cholesteroad, the challenge is to keep a special attack going for as long as possible, and hit certain (often ludicrously high) milestones to earn ranks, coins, and then stuff! The special attacks featured here are the Green Shell, Yoo Hoo Cannons, Super Bouncer, Spin Pipe, and Magic Window, along with a special mode called "Juuuuuump Mode" (with 6 u's) that uses the the Jump Helmet. The special attack animations speed up over time (or decrease in time limit in the case of Yoo Hoo Cannons), making them harder to keep going as you progress.
The gimmick of Cholesteroad is that you are challenged with defeating an endless swarm of Cholesterons, yellow enemies which basically act as punching bags for Mario and Luigi. Small ones are encountered at the beginning of your rally, then are temporarily replaced with larger ones as you approach a rank. The rank thresholds for each special attack are as follows;
| Special attack | B Rank | A Rank |
|---|---|---|
| Green Shell | 100 points | 150 points |
| Yoo Who Cannon | 80 points | 120 points |
| Super Bouncer | 20 points | 30 points |
| Spin Pipe | 20 points | 30 points |
| Magic Window | 70 points | 120 points |
| Juuuuuump Mode (Jump Helmet) | 30 points | 60 points |
The Green Shell is a particularly tough one to swallow, since even getting a B rank on it is very difficult, let alone an A rank. It doesn't help that it's the very first challenge presented to you, and remains the only one available for quite a while, as Yoo Who Cannons aren't encountered until much later in the game. The B rank reward for the Green Shell is a measly 50 coins, while the A rank reward is the Challenge Medal. The Challenge Medal essentially turns the game into hard mode, as it multiplies all enemies' HP, Speed, and Defense by 1.5x, and their attack by 2.5x. It also multiplies coins gained by 1.5x, but that's a pretty small boost when the entire game gets significantly harder when it's equipped. The rest of the special moves give you pretty situational or otherwise insignificant gear (such as the Daredevil Boots, which doubles your attack power but makes any hit an instakill), along with a bunch of likely useless coins.
Juuuuuump Mode is different from the rest of the special attacks, in that you aren't defeating an endless swarm of enemies; rather, you use the Jump Helmet to travel forward indefinitely until you miss a jump or run out of time. Points are earned by traveling a certain distance, approximately the length of the biggest jump possible with the helmet. Fun fact; the points thresholds were increased in America and Europe. In Japan, you only need 25 and 50 respectively to get B and A ranks. And they say Nintendo isn't biased...
Anyway, there are clocks scattered around the path which can either increase the time limit, decrease it, or temporarily stop it from ticking down; the ones that decrease the time limit become much more frequent as you go up in points. It's slightly less unfun than the rest of the special attacks, but it's still pretty annoying and tedious to get through. Getting an A rank on all special attacks and Juuuuuump Mode will earn you the Master Wear, a gear that... isn't even the best gear in the game stats-wise. That belongs to the A-OK Wear, and while it sells for a hefty 20,000 coins, it's still much easier to earn than this single gear piece; only one is provided, meaning one bro will have to go naked. according to certain headcanons at least
In a similar vein to Cholesteroad, Bowser has his own mode for spamming special attacks at things. In Blubble Lake, you can find Broque Madame's house in the northwest portion of the map. Inside, Broque Madame... asks the player for a massage.
That's right. A Mario game asked you to massage a lady made out of blocks. Let that fact sink in.
...Anyway, this is how Bowser is able to spam special attacks, by subjecting his minions to possibly the most demeaning task conceivable; pelting them against this lady's back. This is nearly identical to Cholesteroad, with the exception of the... backstory behind it. The special attacks Bowser can use here are Goomba Storm, Koopa Corps, Bob-omb Blitz, and Magikoopa Mob, and the rank thresholds for these are as follows;
| Special attack | B Rank | A Rank |
|---|---|---|
| Goomba Storm | 150 points | 250 points |
| Koopa Corps | 250 points | 350 points |
| Bob-omb Blitz | 120 points | 150 points |
| Magikoopa Mob | 200 points | 300 points |
If you thought the thresholds for Mario and Luigi's special attacks were insane, these are literally several times worse. This is alleviated somewhat by being allowed three strikes until you are forced to restart, but still... 350 points?!?! I believe that meets the definition of cruel and unusual punishment. Anyway, again like Cholesteroad, meeting these ranks will earn you coins, more coins, and then stuff again!!! Unfortunately, also like Cholesteroad, all of the gear given is also situational or insignificant, such as the Heroic Ring, which increases the power of special attacks by 30%, but their price by 50%. Man, if they're gonna make us do these incredibly tedious tasks, at least make the prizes good. Getting all A ranks in these challenges will net you the King Shell, which actually is the best shell in the game for Bowser, giving him some pretty nice stat boosts across the board. Too bad its necessity is pretty low, since Bowser is absolutely useless in the endgame besides freezing the Airway... :'(
And that's it for the extra challenges featured in Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story. Overall, the Challenge Node and Broque Madame receive a final rating of...
5.5/10 (F)
As much as I like BIS, and for obvious reasons, its extra content is... pretty bad. It's either grinding for levels to beat overly-hard bosses, or repeating special attacks a mind-numbingly high number of times for a poor selection of gear. There's definitely a lot that could've been done to make this portion of the game better, but Nintendo unfortunately missed the target on this one by a pretty wide margin. It's not nearly on the level of sinful as games such as, say, Super Paper Mario, but it's still not as good as it could be.
Well, that's all for this month's edition of Lord Bowser's Inside Story. Friendly reminder that I am taking requests for games you'd want me to cover; feel free to send me a message on my talk page or on the forums if you're interested, though please note that requesting does not guarantee your suggestion will be covered. Thanks for reading, and I hope to see you again next issue!
| The 'Shroom: Issue 121 | |
|---|---|
| Staff sections | Staff Notes • The 'Shroom Spotlight |
| Features | Fake News • Fun Stuff • Palette Swap • Pipe Plaza • Critic Corner • Strategy Wing |
