Editing Ask Uncle Tusk

{{Italic title}}
[[File:Uncle head.gif|200px|thumb|The ''Ask Uncle Tusk'' logo]]

'''''Ask Uncle Tusk''''' was a section of the official [[Rare]] website. On it, users could send "Uncle Tusk" (referring to {{fandom|killerinstinct|Tusk|one of the player characters}} of ''{{wp|Killer Instinct 2}}'') various questions regarding games, and "Uncle Tusk" would respond, typically in a comical or morbid manner. Many entries on this site relate to various video games featuring [[Donkey Kong]], though questions regarding games in the broader [[Super Mario (franchise)|''Super Mario'' franchise]] were occasionally asked. ''Ask Uncle Tusk'' frequently delved into sexually explicit material (usually regarding members of the [[Kong]] family), though the use of expletives was even more prevalent. 

==Website descriptions==
The description for ''Ask Uncle Tusk'' was modified at least three times; once for what was presumably the original description, a second time in 2000, and a third in 2001. 

*''Okay, so he might look like a mindless heavyweight killing machine with a penchant for extreme violence. You're just going to judge him by that, are you? Just going to assume he doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body? Well, how do you know he's not just a big kitten underneath all that berserker rage and brutality?'' ''Maybe all he really wants to do is help people face up to their everyday Rare gaming problems, offer them a shoulder to cry on when they're trapped by a time limit or pleading for power-ups. So go on, ask him, he won't bite (and we'll pay for the damage if he does).''

*''We're sure that Uncle Tusk's widespread fan base will be pleased to see him back in action after an impromptu 'holiday' from the endless stream of idiot questions. Thanks to an anonymous tip-off, we finally found him curled up under a bush next to a railway line just outside London, still trying to sleep off the effects of his slightly excessive New Year celebrations, whatever they might have been (we don't dare ask). The big waster.'' ''Anyway, he's back and as ready as he'll ever be to tackle your Rare gaming queries, so if you've got one of your own, let us know. He might even sort it out for you. But we're promising nothing.''

*''Every day he comes up with new reasons to put it off, but if we're paying him to keep this jolly little gaming advice column updated then he'll ruddy well do it, even if it takes us months on end to convince him. Mind, we always feel sorry for the poor fellow when he opens his mailbox and we see the kind of drivel he has to deal with. Anyway, if you've got a'' ''problem with a Rare game and you need an answer straight from the barbarian's mouth, send it here. If you're lucky, you'll get a useful response; whether you're lucky or not, you'll get sworn at and threatened. Bless.''

==Entries relating to the ''Super Mario'' franchise==
*''Dear Tusk Person,''
''Ok, I beat ''[[Diddy Kong Racing]]'' on both adventures, and I got [[T.T.]] But, when I beat the second [[Wizpig]] on adventure 2, it gave me the same ending as in adventure 1! Wizpig came back, and it said, to be continued. So, how do I get the ending where he doesn't come back? What do I get when I beat those times that you give me when I beat the second adventure?''
''Thanks, uhh, Tusk.''

Fidika (Fidika@aol.com)

''Uncle Tusk replies: The second ending is conveniently hidden in a different game. That's how very, very clever we are. So{{sic}} you'll have to wait for Wizpig's second coming before you can attempt to skin his sausages for good.''
''And the times are T.T.'s ultimate records, if I'm not very much mistaken, which I hope for your sake I'm not. Why don't you beat them and see? Too soft, or something?''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,
''Were the [[Donkey Kong Country 3|DKC 3]] team fans of {{wp|Vic Reeves}} and {{wp|Bob Mortimer}}?''
''When you beat [[KAOS]] for the second time and [[King K. Rool|K.Rool]]{{sic}} comes onto the screen he says{{sic}} "My wife's going to kill me!"''
''Is this a reference to The Smell Of{{sic}} Reeves & Mortimer?''

Marcus Finn

''Uncle Tusk replies: Not at all, no. In fact here's{{sic}} the designer responsible to properly refute your claims:''
''"Hi there, Greg Mitchell here. I'm sorry to say that that particular reference is just a pure coincidence, a very pure one indeed and has nothing to do with watching too much Vic'' ''and Bob. Oh no, what have I said! My wife's going to kill me, oh no no no no!"''
''Note for those not 'in the know': his name's not Greg Mitchell really. It's a joke. He also mentioned that you shouldn't go thinking there are any Fast Show references in the game'' ''either.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''You've got to help me!! That Conker the squirrel is coming to kill me!! Just look at its adorable eyes!! Look at it's{{sic}} hideous face!! It dosen't change or move!! LOOK AT IT!!! LOOOK'' AAAT IIIT!!!!
''By the way.....If ''Diddy Kong Racing'' is said to have "all my favorite Rare characters", Where are you and Fulgore?''
''Please help me,''

John (coradillon@sprint.ca)

''Uncle Tusk replies: Tempting as it is to drop misleading hints about me and the metal baboon being hidden away somewhere on [[Sherbet Island]], somehow I know that the avalanche of mail I'd get from the gullible idiots among you just wouldn't be worth it.''
''Don't worry about Conker. If he gets it into his head to come after you, there's nothing you can do to stop him. Born killer, that one.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''How do you make [[Squitter]]'s web bridges in ''[[Donkey Kong Land 3]]''! Please tell me! I need to get to the lost world!!!''
''Thank you''

Rafael Garcia (rgone111@email.msn.com)

''Uncle Tusk replies: You fire a web as normal, then you press Select when it's reached the place you want your platform. It couldn't be simpler. Are you thick, boy? Haven't you read the manual?''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''In a pathetic attempt to impress my girlfriend, I finished ''Diddy Kong Racing'', with a blindfold over my eyes, cotton wool in my ears, and only using the vibrations of the Rumble Pak to guide me. She took advantage of my temporary sensory deprivation to run off with my german shepherd{{sic}}, Alan. Women, eh?''

''My question is this;''{{sic}}

''Life- What's it all about?''

''Do hope you can sort that one out, thanks ever so,''

Abagail Nostradamus III

''Uncle Tusk replies: Women, yeah. Don't talk to me about women. And life - whoa, life, yeah, know what you mean.''
''Hang on though. You've got a woman's name, like [https://streetfighter.fandom.com/wiki/Abigail that big bloke] from ''{{wp|Final Fight (video game)|Final Fight}}'', who was obviously'' ''a transvestite anyway. So why are you on about women?'' ''And dogs as well? What are you, some kind of pervert? Do you want a kicking?''

*''Hi Tusk!''
''My grandson and I have been playing ''Diddy Kong'' since Christmas and cannot find the key in World 16 ([[Dino Domain]]). We have searched [[Boulder Canyon]], [[Haunted Woods]], etc.. to no avail. Please give us a clue where the key is. We have gone thru each world backwards, forwards except Boulder Canyon. Please, please help.''
''Thanks,''

Barbara Rabe and Brett

''Uncle Tusk replies: I take it you mean [[Dragon Forest]], not Dino Domain. After all, saying Dino Domain when you meant Dragon Forest would just be stupid. Anyway, here's DKR's designer again:''
''"The key you're looking for is on Boulder Canyon! Cross the drawbridge and you'll see the bell. When you ring the bell, turn around to see the drawbridge rise. If you look up the raised drawbridge, you can see a platform high above on which you'll find the key! Power up the Blue Balloons until you have a fully powered up boost, ring the bell so the drawbridge rises and then boost up the bridge."''

*''Hey Uncle Tusk,''
''I was wondering how you and the rest of the Rare gang get along. You know, Conker, Banjo, [[Diddy Kong|Diddy]] and so on.....Some people are saying that you're getting surprisingly close to [[Pipsy]] in some late night conversations. Could you please tell the world what's really going on?''
''Thank you,''

Dirk Diggler

''Uncle Tusk replies: What? Talking to Pipsy? Are you delusional, man? Don't you realise she's just a made-up character? I'd have to be seriously sick before I started talking to made-up characters, you lunatic.''

*''Dear what's your name,''
''In ''Diddy Kong Racing'' there is a key in every level, Dino Domain, Sherbert Island, Dragonwood Forest (Eh? - Tusk) etc. Now there is one exception, or is there? My question (hopefully apparent) is, is there a key in [[Future Fun Land|Future Funland]], and if so I think that I have seen the hole where it is supposed to be - just to the right of the starting line in [[Spaceport Alpha]]''.
''The information that I would be honored to have is what do I have to do to get the key in Spaceport Alpha so that I can access the key door in the open space in the lobby in'' ''Future Funland, and don't tell me it is not real because I know that it is just the kind of secret you phsychos would put in a game.''

Robert Buttmunch

''Uncle Tusk replies: 'Phsychos', are we? At least none of us share your unhygienic hole fetish. Anyway, there's no Battle Track in Future Fun Land, as you'd have found out last time if you'd been paying attention - it was removed when the game structure was rearranged late in the day. So yes, there was a key in that little hole at one point, but not any more{{sic}}.''

*''Hey Tusk,''
''What's going on with [[Bumper]] in the character selection screen of DKR? Who does he think he is, Peewy Herman? I find it disgusting that he is performing indecent acts on a world-wide ''distributed video game. You need to knock him around a little - set him straight!''

Eric

''Uncle Tusk replies: DKR's designer had no decent explanation to offer. "You're right," he admitted. "The badger probably does deserve a beating, the perverted scum."''

''*Hey Tusk!''
''I have read somewhere that in [[Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble!|DKC 3]] it is possible to get 105%. I have 103% having found all the [[Banana Bird|banana birds]], beaten the [[Lost World]], and found all the [[DK Coin|DK]] and [[Bonus Coin]]s. What next?''

Invader200 (Invader200@aol.com)

''Uncle Tusk replies: I posed this to a DKC3 designer, who was so sensitive to your needs that he went home and checked up on this without me having to threaten violence of any sort:''
''"Okay, switch the game on and select any one of the three save slots. Now press L,R,R,L,R,R,L,R,L,R. Once this is done, 'Enter Code' should appear. In the same fashion as entering'' ''your name, enter the code TUFST and you should hear [[Dixie Kong|Dixie]] cry. Now when you play the game, all the [[DK Barrel|DK barrels]] have gone as well as the halfway mark [[Star Barrel]]s. If you can finish'' ''the game and find everything as in a 103% game, it will add a bonus 2% to your score and you can see the secret ending and rating!''
''"If TUFST is too tough, try HARDR which only removes the DK barrels, but only allows you to get 104% - smart eh?"''

*''Uncle Tusk,''
''OK, in DKR, I cannot find the last silver coin on [[Frosty Village]] on Adventure Two (Mirror Mode). It's just not there! I found the ones on either side of the finish line, I found the ones on either side of the entrance to the foggy bit, I found the one hidden behind the slope going down to the houses, I found the one next to the houses, and I found another one somewhere (but I can't remember where). Are the DKR team just being really mean, or is it actually in there? Eh?''

Alex Duin (nduin@dircon.co.uk)

''Uncle Tusk replies: Of course it's in there, you spanner{{sic}}. See if this helps:
''"You really need to explore every bit of the level. Have you looked behind the giant trees in the foggy area? Have you checked in the tunnel behind the waterfall? Have you looked around the stone bridge and in front of all the houses?"''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,
''In the DKR intro sequence, Bumper is shown flying through the lower path in the Fossil Canyon valley, while a cheerful looking yellow Tyrannosaurus Rex type dinosaur runs alongside on the upper path. Does said dinosaur actually appear in the game anywhere? At all? Or am I right in thinking that he's been cruelly left out of the real action? Poor thing, he must have been so disappointed...''

Yellow T-Rex appreciation society

''Uncle Tusk replies: He looks so cheerful because he's about to have badger for dinner. Little did he know at this point that he'd end up being left out of the game because, as the designer puts it, "he looked crap".''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk:''
''Can you fly? I can fly and it's fun. Also, are you going to be in any more games other than KI2? Also why does Diddy have no bellybutton in ''[[Donkey Kong Country]]'' yet in'' ''[[Donkey Kong Country 2]]'' ''he has one? Was he born in an egg in the first game?'' ''Is this the same Diddy?'' ''Why does he show his belly and bellybutton so much?'' ''Why is his'' ''bellybutton so big?'' ''Does Diddy like his bellybutton and play with it? Can you send me any pix of him pressing it or ones that just show it?'' ''I can fly, did I say that yet?'' ''Well I can.'' ''YAY.''

NIN-Ayanami
[[File:Diddy Cartwheel DKC2.png|250px|thumb|right]]
''Uncle Tusk replies: Diddy's bellybutton is a magic bellybutton, which appears as a warning in times of need. You see, during his adventures in DKC1 he was just having a laugh tagging along after DK, but by the time DKC2 swung around, Diddy had some important responsibilities on his hands and couldn't afford to fail. Hence the sudden appearance of his bellybutton, to remind him always of his burden. Here's a picture of the offending feature in all its glory, which I'm supplying in the hope that it'll put an end to your witless rambling.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,
''Okay, I wrote you earlier and said the times that were given at the very end credits of ''Diddy Kong Racing'' were near to impossible to beat. And after devoting myself completely for one ENTIRE day I finally managed to complete the task only to see... NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing happened. At all. Why did Rare even put those times at the end even the game? (sniff) So I threw Diddy Kong deep in my closet and vowed never to play the cruel, cruel game again. Why did you do this to me? But... I keep my head high and won't look back at the scence{{sic}} of mass immpossiblility{{sic}} that I overcame only in the end to be beaten and shattered of my hopes and dreams for the game that I once thought to be a great game. (sob)''

- Massasoit

''Uncle Tusk replies: Bit of a misunderstanding here which I should probably apologise{{sic}} for, though unfortunately I'm not going to. The times in question were the best times that were set by the DKR team during development, and the only reward you'll get for beating them is a fleeting sense of superiority. What, that's not good enough? ''There's only so much'' ''room on a cart, you know. Watch your mouth, scab.''
''Even better times have been set since then by Rare and [[Nintendo]] testers, so maybe I'll post those at some point. Or maybe I won't.''

*''Mr. Tusk.''
''I stayed up all night playing Diddy Kong. I finally got all 4 keys, got the [[T.T. Amulet]], beat Wizpig, won all 4 trophy dashes, found [[Drumstick]], and made it to Future Fun Land. And now I'm stumped -- I can't enter any of the Future Fun Land racetracks because I only have 38 balloons, and the first one requires 39. I'm baffled. Where do I find an extra balloon?''

Tom Mott

''Uncle Tusk replies: The continually-hassled DKR designer says there shouldn't be a problem: "Try taking part in all of [[Taj]]'s Challenges again, when you beat him, the grumpy git leaves the [[Golden Balloon]] behind for you to collect, you may have forgotten to pick it up (there are three of these). Also check you have found all the hidden balloons from the Overworld."''
 
''He meanders off into swearing and abuse at that point, so I've cut him short.''

*''Hey Tusk!
''Okay, I asked a question about KI3 in my last letter and you shot me down. So I've got a new question. Howard Lincoln said in an interview that Rare was working on two secret games that weren't shown at E3. I'm assuming that one of them is ''[[Donkey Kong 64]]'', but how about the other? Would it be possible for Rare to make another fighting game? It doesn't have to be KI, since you guys think the market for that game is gone. The [[Nintendo 64]] is really lacking a quality fighting game. I know that Rare can make one. So, what are the chances of Rare making a new fighting game that isn't KI? I'm the fighting editor for the 64 Source and my readers would love to know guys! Give us the goods!''

Bryan Dawson (drdogg@fiestanet.com)

''Uncle Tusk replies: 'Shot you down'? What? I carry a four-foot sword at all times, I maim for fun and yet I took time out to give a considered response to your questions, and you still reckon I 'shot you down'?''
''I despair. Anyway. Nobody at Rare ever said that the KI market is 'gone' - inevitably, it's just not thriving in the way it once was. Yes, it would be possible for us to make another fighting game, we've never totally scrapped the idea. Might be KI, might not. Whatever, we can't announce anything until we're ready, so it's no good hassling us for news we haven't got...''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I simply can't find 8 of the DK coins in DKC3. I can't. I've failed (sniff). Please don't fail me. I need to find where [[Koin]] (that nasty baddy, I'm sure you woudn't{{sic}} need a stupid barrel to kill him, would you?) is in these levels...''

KREMWOOD FOREST
*-[[Squeals on Wheels|Squeals On Wheels]]
*-[[Springin' Spiders]]
MEKANOS
*-[[Ripsaw Rage]]
RAZOR RIDGE
*-[[Ropey Rumpus]]
KREMATOA
*-[[Criss Kross Cliffs]]
*-[[Tyrant Twin Tussle]]
*-[[Swoopy Salvo]]

''Please help me, Uncle Tusk.....Please!!!''
''Humbly Yours,''

Dan

''Uncle Tusk replies: Stop snivelling{{sic}}, man! Look at the state of you. You can't even count - that's only seven levels. Alright, here...''
''Squeals on Wheels: Jump up to the platform overhead to the right just before you reach the letter N.''
''Springin' Spiders: When riding the Nid in the right-hand trunk alongside the green extra lives balloon, use Kiddy to throw Dixie up to the ledge next to Koin.''
''Ripsaw Rage: Jump into the invisible barrel beneath the letter G, which'll fire you up to an Invincibility Barrel. Let the saw carry you up, jump to the platform on the left, and Koin's just on your right.''
''Ropey Rumpus: Drop down between the two pillars about halfway across the longest rope in the level.''
''Criss Kross Cliffs: Make your way back around to the first tunnel on the right after the letter G.''
''Tyrant Twin Tussle: Use Squitter to climb up the shaft just after the letter O. Koin's on the right, and Bazuka's on the left - make a web bridge to direct the stream of barrels straight at Koin.''
''Swoopy Salvo: Before you reach the 'No Animals' sign, double back out of the right-hand trunk and re-enter the left-hand one through the higher hole. Koin's up this way.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''How do you finish the swimming level in DK Land 3 on Time Attack in under the time limit? It's the only level I have left and I need to see the ending.''

Ken

''Uncle Tusk replies: There's a nifty little shortcut that might help you out here. Cue designer:''
''"Get [[Enguarde]] from just below the starting position. Continue as normal until you reach the second 'No Animals' sign. You'll come across six [[Lurchin]]s: just behind the last Lurchin is an invisible barrel which will fire you to the exit." You cheating scum.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I have beaten TT on all the tracks in Time Trial mode and I still can't get him as a playable character. My friend has a {{wp|GameShark|Gameshark}} and used that to try to get TT, but it still doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?''

Willy Loman (wloman@hotmail.com)

''Uncle Tusk replies: You've confused DKR's head honcho now. "Check you really have beaten him," he says. "The TT symbol should appear on the intro screen to every track in Tracks Mode. Are you sure you haven't missed one out? You have found the Future World? And you can't use the GameShark to get him either, just pure skill!"''

*''Hey Mr. Tusk guy,''
''I've been a fan of Rare mainly since DKC came out, and have loved every game that the company has produced so far... and have you lost weight? Heh heh, now you're forced to read the rest of this message since my suckup powers are so strong and powerful to wipe out a whole crew of 3rd grade teachers... Anyway... about [[Candy Kong]], what ever happened to her?! I mean, she was Donkey's main girl (even though I did see her blow a couple of kisses at Diddy when the big guy wasn't looking)! Now she isn't in any game, and she was the best game save I had ever seen! Did she get eaten by a crock, run over by a bird-welding bear, decide to mass produce Spam?! She just disappeared, and left many of us in the dark, so pleeeeease, help us know of her whereabouts!!''
''Your average software user and Candy Kong whereabouts looker for her person,''

Bryan Bohnsack

''Uncle Tusk replies: Banjo might have a bit of a temper on him, but I can't really see him sinking so low as to indulge in 'bird-welding'.''
''And Candy's still around, somewhere. She's just been keeping a low profile since the original DKC, where her strenuous barrel-presenting antics eventually left her close to exhaustion. She'll be back in the spotlight one day, don't worry, you ape-fancying pervert.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Greetings, great, almighty answer-man, Uncle Tusk. My name is Ellington. Jasper Ellington. The third. Yeah, yeah, I know. Jasper Ellington III is a big name but I didn't have anything to do with that--it was all that other dude's fault. Anyways, this is part one of Jasper & Uncle Tusk: a constant flooding of irrepressible antics in when I state my questions or comments. For example, today, we have a comment. Let's begin, shall we?''
''Ahem. One moment please...''
''THE WALLS! THE INVISIBLE WALLS! ARGGGHHHH! ''Banjo-Kazooie'', ''Blast Corps'', ''GoldenEye 007'', ''Diddy Kong Racing''--the walls are everywhere! Oh sure, I can understand it. A cart only has so much room-- well why not a CD, then?! No, forget I said that. But now, everytime I play a game--I get so paranoid. Oh sure, it looks like there's a lot of room, but then, the walls start closing in!''
*''Diddy Kong Racing'', "The plane stopped flying! The island's right behind us! We're trapped! Isn't Diddy supposed to go back to DK Country?!"''
*''Banjo-Kazooie, "It's a canyon! It's nothing but a big canyon! Banjo lives in a canyon and he will never get out! Swim. Swim away from the island. Oh no! Here comes Snacker! We're doomed!"''
*''GoldenEye 007, "These doors won't open! They're locked! The trees aren't trees at all! They're just pictures of trees--flat trees--and we've been boxed into Servernaya or Cuba or wherever! ARGGGHHH!"''
*''Even in ''[[Super Mario 64]]''--not a game by Rare--but the invisible walls are still there, laughing and mocking us! SM64 had slopes that looked like escape routes like in [[Bob-omb Battlefield]] and [[Snowman's Land]]. Banjo-Kazooie brought cliffs! Straight, up-and-down walls and cliffs! We're trapped! I can't breathe! I'm starting to see things! Is that a hippo riding a jet ski? I'm gone for good. Ughhh...
''Sorry to dash your hopes but I'm still alive and kicking, and I'll be back to send you another letter, Uncle Tusk. Until next time, be sharpening that sword!''

Jasper Ellington III (jasperellington3@yahoo.com)

''Uncle Tusk replies: Oh, I will. Just in case it crosses your mind to send in part two of this hilarious feature.''
''As for the invisible walls, what do you want us to do, make infinite levels? Either that or they'd have to wrap around, which could lead to a slightly unrealistic impression in something like GoldenEye. Or we could just have an endless expanse of nothing wrapped around a comparatively tiny bit of level. Or we could just have solid, opaque walls if you like. But can you see what all these ideas have in common? That's right - they're all stupid.''

*''Hey Tusk!
''I have ''Diddy Kong Racing'' and I have already beaten it to the max, hidden characters and all. But, when I used the jukebox code I noticed a song, #12, that isn't in any of the tracks. Is this a part of the overworld or something I haven't found yet? Please help me before I go nuts!!!''

Frank Scafidi

''Uncle Tusk replies: You see that [[Pirate Lagoon]]? You hear that hidden music track? Well, the two used to go together, until for some reason or another the Lagoon found itself a new tune and the old one was consigned to 'hidden extra' status. So no, you haven't missed any secret areas. Probably.''

*''Uncle Tusk -''
''I need help! I've got ''Donkey Kong Land 3'' as a Christmas present last year, and the box clearly states that one of the animals is called Parry. I've searched everywhere..over{{sic}} and ''over again..but{{sic}} I can't find Parry! Where is he? Where? Must.. find... Parry..''

John

''Uncle Tusk replies: Due to what were stressed as 'creative differences', Parry left the DK Animal Sidekicks to pursue a solo career between the making of Donkey Kong Country 3 and Donkey Kong Land 3, by which time it was too late to change the sleeve credits. His first solo game, Parry On Up The Khyber, flopped dismally earlier this year and his contract was terminated. Now an alcoholic, Parry has lost the power of flight and lives in a box under DK's favourite tree, shouting slurred abuse throughout the early hours of the morning.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''In the DKC player's guide, under [[Mine Cart Carnage]], although it does confirm that there are no bonus areas, it also says something like "There is also a deep, dark secret hidden in this level, and only the most intrepid explorers will find it." After many headaches I discovered the warp near the beginning of the level; however, there are warps in other levels, too, so why should Mine Cart Carnage have been singled out by the player's guide? I did notice that at some points, if you hit the dangerous boxes and die and your cart falls, you can hear the cart hitting another track, but I haven't been able to get down there without dying. It's been nearly four years - PLEASE, MY DEAR UNCLE TUSK, PUT MY MIND AT EASE!''

M. Stephens

''Uncle Tusk replies: DKC's designer claims to have no idea what you're on about, so unless he's still fiercely protecting some hideous secret after all this time or he's simply got a crap memory, you can probably put it down to a strategy guide writer with an overactive imagination. Worry about something worthwhile, man.''

*''Uncle Tusk Sir...?
''Maybe it was a blinky Pikachu-induced hallucination, but I heard something about a Killer Instinct TV show, maybe something similiar{{sic}} to the oh-so-cool [[Donkey Kong Country (television series)|Donkey Kong TV show]] (hey, there was a bit about that on the discovery channel!). Is it true? Huh?''

Code-Guy Ty

''Uncle Tusk replies: No. Basically. Or at least we've heard nothing, so somebody's in trouble if it is.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusky-Poo;''
''I was recently turned on about the fact of the Donkey Kong Country TV Show. I saw it on the Fox Family channel and I instantly hit the roof. Of course it hurt. But what in the heck were you thinking when you made the show dudes? Try to stay along the storyline of the game. Where is this [[Crystal Coconut|magic coconut]] in DKC 1-3???''
''Peeved, but OK''

Chris Glass

''Uncle Tusk replies: Beats me. Nothing to do with us. I suppose the writers felt they needed to broaden the span of the DKC storyline if they were going to get a whole series out of it. Me, I'm looking forward to the one where DK takes the damn coconut and shoves it up [[Cranky]]'s ("museum" - Ed).''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Okay, I have a lot of questions, but this is the one that has bothered me for three years now so I have to ask it: Where on earth did you get Dixie Kong's first name from?! That is my mother's first name, and since I look so much like her, my uncle calls me "Little Dixie." Then, when his grandson bought the game (DKC 3) and found out I was a million times better than his grandson, I got teased endlessly for it. I have long blondeish hair and greenish eyes, too, and that didn't help! Dixie is a good name and all, but I think you could have named her something else!''

Christina Shepherd

''Uncle Tusk replies: Be grateful your nickname isn't Donkey. Anyway, here's the designer with a deeply technical explanation for this one.
''"Using our Rare Random-O-Matic Name Creator, the best we could do was 'Dixie'. We thought that was OK - surely better than early suggestions of 'Diddiane' and 'Diddette'. By the way, if you can jump off tall objects and spin your hair around like a helicopter we may have a job for you..."''

*''Yo Tusky,''
''What happened to Thunder from the original KI? Are you his son? Did you eat him? You live in Montana, don't you? I think Jago and Orchid should hook up. And how about that chick Dixie? Grrrrrrrow! She's hot. If only I could kill Diddy... um, no! I didn't say that! You should battle the Jinjos. I know where Winky went! Try Monkey Museum. Donkey and Candy Kong should make a... never mind. See ya Tusky.''

Skull Monkey the 7th

''Uncle Tusk replies: Thunder smacked Spinal to bits then went home. That's all there is to it. Considering I was born over 2000 years before him, I'd say he's unlikely to be my long-lost Dad. Oh, and Montana doesn't exist where I'm from, and Jago and Orchid 'hooking up' would be an arrestable offence, you sick fool.''

*''Tusky,
''I just read a letter from M. Stephen about the "deep, dark, secret" in DKC. I didn't think anyone else noticed that! Anyway, in answer to his question, I found a warp from the beginning of the level to almost the end. It could of been a glitch, but I doubt it. Lemme tell you how I found it.
Back when I still owned the game, I had a {{wp|Game Genie}} (I happened to use it for things other then{{sic}} cheating). One of the "cheats" was to be able to keep an animal to the next level. So I brought the fish into the level. I found out fish could fly, so I took some flying lessons. Above the first cart, I flew above the screen. Suddenly, I heard the sound associated with a warp barrel, and then the screen moved through the level to the last kart, where it launched me into the cart. My fish turned into a blue Diddy and then it was over.
So Mister Tusk, do you accept or deny this secret?''

Larry Gajewski

''Uncle Tusk replies: Another one for the designer, then, because I'm bored of the whole stupid subject already.
"Yes, the warp barrel does exist. In fact, there are warp barrels near the start of every level of the first two worlds. And everyone knows that fishes that turn into blue chimps can fly."''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I'm going CRAZY!!!!! I have beaten DKR from top to bottom and it's getting so easy, that just today I started racing looking at the screen upside-down!! I need to know if there is anything else to do that I haven't done, so that I can stop trying to beat my [[Ancient Lake]] record of 00:52:13 in the T.T. Time Trials. I have 47 balloons in Adventure 1 and Adventure 2. I have beaten all 4 Wizpig races (2 in each Adventure). I also have the Future Fun Land trophy in both adv. (I'm tired of saying adventure already). I have Drumstick and T.T. as well.''

Jason W.

''P.S.: 00:52:13 is without balloons.''

''Uncle Tusk replies: "There is a hidden method of controlling the characters that can be used to increase your speeds on the tracks by enormous amounts. It involves the A Button but is very difficult to do, though testers at Nintendo had used it to get times on Ancient Lake of around 34 seconds!"
Thus spake the DKR man, so get to it. Alternatively you could just buy yourself a new game, you tightarse.''

*''Dear Mr. Tusk...''
''I bought a [[Super Nintendo Entertainment System|SNES]] a few years ago with DKC. Yesterday I decided to go back and revisit the wonders of a console (I use a PC now). I realised that I had PASSED the game but I hadn't found all the secrets. I had only 94% and had taken 4 hours and 4 mins.''
''Is it possible to get 103 & 104% like what I have in DKC2&3??''
''Thankyou{{sic}} for your help....''

A guy named Mephisto in Australia. :D

''Uncle Tusk replies: As far as we can remember, the original DKC 'only' went up to 101%. Though even that was pretty wacky in those days. If that's not enough for you, and you're at least moderately dull-witted, you could always break some of your fingers to increase the challenge.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Diddy Kong has been bugging me for quite some time... this character seems to have a glaring consistency problem. "What is it?" Why, quite simply...''
*''How did Diddy Kong change from a chimpanzee to an ape?''
*''In DKC and DKC2, Diddy clearly has a long tail (he even uses it to hang from things in DKC2), whilst in DKC3 and DKR, Diddy's tail has vanished. Which of the following is true?''
*''1) Diddy was transmogrophied (He was what? - Tusk) when Rare realized how silly it was to give the Kong family name to a chimp...''
*''2) During the Beta testing for DKC3, Diddy didn't quite make it through a nasty trap of some kind.''
*''3) There are 2 Diddys - Diddy Kong (of DKR), and Dyddy Kong (appearing in DKC -- obviously a "secret character" called by the D-Y-D-D-Y code).''

''Please, tell me ... the world must know!''

David Dayton

''Uncle Tusk replies: Several minutes of dubious umming and ahhing from the designer of DKC 1 & 2 led to the following shameful excuses:''
''"In DKR he sits on his tail in his vehicle to keep it warm, and in DKC3... grrr... ahh... he cut it short as this was the fashion then. Is that good enough?"''
''Not by anyone's standards, I'd say. So I prodded the lead artist on DKC3 for answers instead.''
''"Er... I don't remember modelling him without a tail. Anyway, he was only in it for a split second. Hold on, I'll find a cartridge with a saved game." (Long pause) "Right, I've just beaten the boss and Diddy's quite clearly got a tail." Just as I thought. Stupid people writing in again.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I am in agony (that is why I am writing to you), I looked in my friend's PlayStation magazine and they stated that RareWare is working for Sony, is it true. I am owning a N64 with ''Diddy Kong Racing'' and I am thinking about buying Banjo-Kazooie, and it makes me sick just thinking of Rare working for Sony and is there any info for ''Diddy Kong Racing 2''?''

Diddie Becker

''Uncle Tusk replies: Would this be the internationally-renowned PlayStation Lies magazine? Don't you think other people would have picked up on it by now if there was any truth to it whatsoever? Duh. Info on DKR2? Nope. None at all. Mainly because we're not doing it.''

*''Dear Amazing Tusko,''
''I had a huge letter to send about help for ''Donkey Kong Country 3'', and was waiting for a chance to send it, but I managed to answer all my own questions before I could send it. I worked out what the cogs were for, got all the bonus coins and DK coins, found out how the hell you get past the shooting electricity bit on [[Knautilus]], and found the last few banana bird cages. But there's one more question...how do you get this fabled 105% and secret ending? I have 103% at the moment, and am rated "Top Banana", but apparently if you put ''in HARDR or TUFST as a code then you can get that much. Do you have to put it in every time you play one saved game or something?!?''
''DKC3 is my fifth Rareware game that I have, as I also have ''Diddy Kong Racing'' (completed Adventure Two), ''Banjo-Kazooie'' (all notes and jiggies), ''[[Donkey Kong Land]]'' (completed, but is'' ''there something cool that happens if you get 100%? I wanna know!) and ''Donkey Kong Land 3'' (haven't made it to the lost world cause I don't have all the DK coins, but I'll try again'' ''once I have batteries for my [[Game Boy]]). I am going to get Twelve Tales when it comes out, along with ''Donkey Kong Country 64''. And by the way, will that be in 2D or 3D? Both ways ''would be good, as the N64 really needs a good 2D platform game (''[[Yoshi's Story]]''? Mischief Makers? Come on!) but the Kongs would look absolutely brilliantly fantastic in total 3D.''
''In the famous style of the "Thank You For Not Smoking" signs everywhere, thankyou{{sic}} for giving me a really good and incredibly useful reply to my assorted ramblings.''

Peter Escott (pace@trump.net.au)

''Uncle Tusk replies: Use of the TUFST code was detailed in the July 7 edition. Go there. Read it. Like you should have before you came here getting my back up by asking about it again. And no, you don't need to enter it every time, just when you're asked for it when starting a new game after entering the button combination.
The N64 incarnation of DKC would have arrived in shiny 3D, if only we hadn't been forced to can the project so that everyone involved could go and make tea and sandwiches for the Perfect Dark team.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I have a few question and ideas for new games:''
*''1. I've heard about a special code to get a flamethrower in GoldenEye. Is this true, or is it just hopeful thinking?''
*''2. For a new DKC game, you could call it "Donkey Kong Country/Land 4: Kiddy's Crib Nightmares" starring [[Kiddy Kong|Kiddy]] & Frizzy Kong.''
*''3. For Perfect Dark, make Joanna look like Wai Lin on "Tomorrow Never Dies" 'cause, dang she's ugly!

Gosa

''Uncle Tusk replies: 
*''1. I don't want to shatter your illusions by saying it's not true, but here's a clue: stop being thick.
*''2. No we couldn't.''
*''3. The designer says: "Too late. She looks like {{wp|Meryl Streep}}, and that's final."''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''We seem to have been implored, recently, to submit suggestions to Rare HQ. Well, when I say implored, I mean that I vaguely remember seeing a comment in N64 magazine, but that's imploring for ya. Can't get the staff, etc.''
''Anyway, it's simple:''
''Sort out your policy towards saved games!''
''Here's my problem. Well, here's my problem as far as you're concerned, anyway.''
''Diddy Kong Racing'' ''has a really nice saved game system. I can save games to the cartridge, and I can "upload/download" saved games to and from a controller pak. Nice. No, it *is* ''nice. ''Banjo Kazooie'' and ''Goldeneye'' have no such features, and it annoys the hell out of me. When I lend someone a cart, they play on my saved games, or overwrite them, or see my times in B-K and roundly take the p*ss afterwards. I'm sure you can see where this is going...''
''Any chance you can make ''Perfect Dark'' and ''Jet Force Gemini'' behave the same way as DKR? I ask because these controller paks are fairly cheap and if I end up having a 256Kb pak ''devoted to just my ''Perfect Dark'' games (or whatever) then I'm fine with that. Most of these controllers now come with a meg anyway, so it's easy to switch between banks of pages ''when neccessary. You see, you did it /so/ nicely with DKR and then "fluffed big time" on the more recent games (I can't work out what Blast Corps is doing yet, but that's because I ''simply haven't been arsed enough to examine the controller pak pages).''
''So, there you go then. No silly Tiptup gubbins, no annoying Goldeneye questions, no N64 arse stuff. Just a simple, straightforward request. Oh, and can I plug my Ultimate website - ''it has a groovy Ultimate/Rare blurb generator that folks might find amusing.''

''http://www.robsoft.co.uk''

''Etc.''

''Well, off to drool some more over the JFG pictures. Looking forward to its release!''

Rob Uttley

''Uncle Tusk replies: It's no good trying to be nice now - you're just all moan, moan, moan. Honestly, I don't know why we bother doing anything for you bunch of ungrateful wretches. Still, not only has ''GoldenEye's'' designer leapt to his game's defence{{sic}}, he's even come up with a neat solution to your problem:
''"With the ''GoldenEye'' save system you could play on one folder, copy it to another so that you could lend it to your friends without fear of them ruining your game, and they could start new games on the remaining two folders if they wanted. Moreover, no extra purchase was necessary to save your game. Either you are constantly being embarrassed by your friends who are better players than you, or you lack the authority you need to get them to treat your cart with respect. The solution is clear. Beat your friends with a stick. If they are better players, go for the hands."''

*''Hello there,''
''I recently purchased ''Donkey Kong Land 3'' for my sister. She loves it but cannot figure out how to save her game. Before she gives up, can you give us some advice?''

Dragonma1@aol.com

''Uncle Tusk replies: "But... but... it's obvious," said the designer in bewilderment. I told him nothing was obvious in the macabre world of Ask Uncle Tusk. Your game is saved automatically after every few levels when you visit one of the [[Save Cave]]s that crop up in your path, and there's no more to it than that. Leave my sight.''

*''Dear Unc Tusk:''
''So, how's your day been? No, I'm not here to pester you for more teasers of info on upcoming games. In fact, I'm here to praise you for it. I like all your unknown deadlines and secret projects that exist only behind barn doors. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow I'll find out that Perfect Dark is all ready to go and will be in stores in a week. Or maybe even ''Conker 64'' (How's that game going? It's been overshadowed by the likes of Donkey Kong, Joanna, and the Jet Force gang). Or you'll release one of your superb secret titles in only a month, with that perfect finish on it. And by not releasing deadlines, you have time to make it perfect without people hounding your door, yelling, "WHY'S IT NOT DONE YET!!!" So go on! Tease your potential suitors with dribbles of info, leading them to your hotel room only to stand whimpering at a locked door. And when you do finally let them in, you strike a seductive pose and tell them they can only have the mint that was left on your pillow (because you're upstanding folk who wouldn't want to disturb the quiet gaming industry with news of a sordid affair). But that mint will be enough! Well, maybe some of that fruit from the complimentary fruit basket also. And some soap and a towel. And a autographed photo of TipTup. Yes, that'll do. Also, I've got a problem with the ending of Goldeneye, when you beat the Egyptian Temple (slight spoiler coming up for those who haven't made it). The Baron runs after Bond into the dark, and then all you see is Samedi standing there, laughing. I take this as a strong insinuation that Samedi bumps Bond off, which I know is impossible, but the fact is there. Anyways, what you should have done is have the Baron stand there, laughing, then you here a gunshot and the Baron falls forward, with Bond standing behind him, holding the Golden Gun out. Yeah, that would be cool. Keep up the good work! Oh, and make ''Jet Force Gemini'' a smacking good game.''

Nate

''Uncle Tusk replies: No, we don't get that many people yelling "WHY'S IT NOT DONE YET!!!" - they generally go for the "WHY WON'T YOU TELL US WHEN IT'S COMING OUT!!!" angle. Bless their little souls (sound of industrial axe sharpener operating in background).
''And GoldenEye's designer would like to take issue with your Samedi-bashing: "I take it you haven't watched Live And Let Die, or you would know that the whole idea about Baron Samedi is that he does not stay dead. He is a Voodoo god. He is a master of death, which should make you wonder about his relationship to Bond; maybe he let Bond go alive from the Temple'' ''with such a powerful gun because he knows Bond will kill a lot more (bad) people, which would serve the Baron very well."''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''No! N--NO! NOO!!! I am a-frownin' today and am quite sad I'll say. Why, exactly? Well, On my wondrous web page, I am known as 'Alex McChimpy' and my credentials are 'I completely beat ''Donkey Kong Country'' 1, 2, AND 3!' Well, little did I know that I was posting...a lie!! It turns out I never knew about the secret ending when ya' get 105% of which you spoke. Well, lucky me, I spent a few days beating DK3 ALL OVER AGAIN with TUFST. And what did I find.....? Well...??? Nothin' I typed TUFST in every time I played and still ended up with 103%!!!! Now I know a non-Rare guy like me made some mistake. What I wanna know is...what happens when you DO get 105%??? I completely beat the game twice, I kinda think I deserve to at least KNOW what I'm missing!''

Mechel18

''Uncle Tusk replies: The designer says "I'm not telling you, because it's too good." He also points out that if you want to get the extra 2% upon completion, you've got to start a brand new game with TUFST in a previously empty/erased save slot - you'll know if the code's working because there'll be no halfway or DK barrels. And you only need to enter the code when you first start the game, not every time you play. So go on, go back and do it all again, you dunce. Har har har.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,
''First of all, I simply have to commend you (through a mouthful of cookies n' cream) on the sheer quality of this site. I can't recall a game designer/publisher's site that was just this great. You really give the gamers what they want. Great job! OK I really do have a question, two or three if I can think of that many while I'm writing:''
*''1. Did you ever plan to give Pocket Tales a GB Color palette, or were you just too far into development at the time of the hardware's release?''
*''2. I remember when news of Rare's defection from Nintendo to solo-publishing was all the rave; It was sometimes assumed that Rare did this to be able to design games for Sony's PSX. Are there or were there ever plans to make a game for the CD-based system, and if not, any input on why the N64 is favored to develop on? (Sometimes I just think the PSX has been around waaaay too long.)''
*''3. Can I clean your toilets for money, or at least a chance to see the Rare pad from the inside?''
*''4. Where can I find nude pictures of Dixie Kong? ;>''
*''5. When my lot of game-playing Japanese culture-obsessed friends get together, we like to have fun playing what we call "RPG Mode" in Goldeneye multiplayer. Basically we play the role of the character we select in the environment we select, sorta like a Goldeneye Dungeons & Dragons session. For example, if one player is a guard, well, he does guard stuff and questions/shoots at suspicious characters, while taking orders from his superiors. We have a blast with this, but it can be limited because of the small multiplayer environments with little variation in them (Not enough "props" ;>) and the number of players (Or at least characters to interact with). Do you know if future Rare multiplayer games will make crazy stuff like this more fun? On the subject of player number, I'm not saying you have to develop an 8-player adapter, but NPCs that you can interact with in multiplayer mode would be awesome.''
*''6. Can I have a dollar?''
*''7. I haven't been able to locate the often talked-about chemistry set on an air duct in Goldeneye. Mind telling me where to look?''
*''8. Last question, I promise. I've almost completed my cheat list, but there must be something I'm missing in Statue Park, because that's the last cheat I have to get. Y'see, I complete my objectives in the fastest way I know how, and I still seem to need 10 seconds shaved off my time. Any advice?''
''Well turns out I came up with more than 3 in the end. Hope you can get around to *maybe* replying, but I understand your busy chaos-ridden schedule. Guess I'll get back to spooning my ice cream outta the box. Bye!''

Kowkiller

''Uncle Tusk replies: 
*''1. I'll pretend you asked this question after we posted the colour screenshots, just to make you look stupid.'' 
*''2. It's hardly a "defection", is it? We're still Nintendo-exclusive, and no, there were never any plans to develop for other formats. 
*''3. The DKC3 designer wants me to make a crude joke about pads and toilets, but I'm above that sort of thing.'' 
*''4. Make them yourself if you're that desperate (but don't forget to publicly flog yourself afterwards).''
*''5. You need help.''
*''6. Only if you spend it on help.''
*''7. On an air duct. In the Facility.''
*''8. Try belting straight through the level without stopping to kill anyone. It's against my nature to say that, but apparently it works.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''In DKR I have beaten the game in Adventure mode, and got 47 gold balloons. When I go to the screen where the options are: Adventure, Adventure two and Tracks, I click Adventure two, and enter a new screen. Here I can click on three different files. One with 47, one with 27 and one with 10 balloons, but when I try to click one of these files, only an ugly sound comes. I can't click on any of the three files. If you know why I can't play Adventure two, please tell me.''

Scott Conradi

''Uncle Tusk replies: According to DKR's Man in the Know, it's because Adventure Two works as an{{sic}} separate game and automatically tries to save to a new slot when you first start playing. But if you've already got three saved games from Adventure One, it can't do that. So go back to Adventure One, empty one of the save slots, then give Adventure Two another try. That ought to sort you out. Er... thicky.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I need some help on DK3, there is this code you type in 'WATER' and you are supposed to get 85 coins, but you have to go behind the waterfall to get them, well my question is what waterfall do you go behind to get them... could you please tell me EXACTLY where to go to get them? And Funky Kong is supposed to be making this awesome vehicle for me but I need like 41 DK coins just to get it, is there any way to make it easier... And what is the vehicle? THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE HELP!''

Josh

''P.S. I went over to a friend's house and played Golden Eye on N64 it was the best game I ever played in my life [I am trying to save up enough money to get a 64 and that game]... Oh and is there any chance of a sequel and I don't mean Perfect Dark all my friends said it would be awesome and they would buy it just because how good Golden Eye was...''

''Uncle Tusk replies: Stop blabbering, man. You're making a fool of yourself. Look, here's some sage words from the DKC3 designer to (hopefully) shut you up.
"Start a new game and enter the code WATER in your name, now when you start the game properly and Dixie jumps into the lake and climbs up onto the island, come straight back out and jump back into that lake. Now swim to the top left area where you will see the waterfall that you need to go for your 85 coins, after a little test of skill of course...
''As for the DK coins, sorry matey, you're going to have to find them all yourself, although Nintendo Power's guide will tell you where - you big potential cheat!"''

*''Hey Uncle Tusk, I have some questions for ya.''
*''1) First get Goldeneye and start a multiplayer game. Now make both characters stand in front of each other. Now make one hit the other one just with his arms. Why the other one can't actually see his opponent's arms moving?''
*''2) How come in DKR, [[TipTup]] says "watch out!" after you crash? Aren´t you supposed to say that before you crash?''
*''3) How come in KI all the characters leave a hole in the sand of the same kind when they fall off the sky stage?''
*''4) How come in KIG you can still see the character's shadow in the bridge level even when that part is not on the bridge?
*''5) Why did the first Spinal get killed? Was his movie "Dry as a bone" so bad???''
*''6) I know you've been asked this a lot, but if I have an idea for a game, where can I send it to ya guys, if I could?''
*''7) Why did ya guys bother including [[Krunch]] in DKR or at least giving him such an ugly acceleration, control.... he doesn't even seems to be one of the good guys! Was it to keep the A-[[Kremling]]-in-every-DK-game tradition?
*''8) Why dont you guys ask MIDWAY sometime to get both companies together and made a game called Mortal Kombat -vs- Killer Instinct? I love KI and I love MK too. Both together would be just Da Bomb.''
*''9) Did ya found any mistakes in my English? My official language is Spanish, so you understand why... esta bien amigo? Bueno, gracias!''

''Bye guys, hasta la vista.''

The Ch@ttin_b0y

''Uncle Tusk replies: 
*''1) The team's explanation is simple: "Bond strike with speed of angry cobra."''
*''2) Yeah, but Tiptup's stupid. As if you didn't see that one coming.''
*''3) Extensive air pressure reduces each of the competitors' bodies to a uniform shape and size before impact.''
*''4) Magic.''
*''5) You mean the Spinal in KI1, or the original bloke who was resurrected as Spinal in KI2 and then again in KI1? The KI1 Spinal was hacked to bits by Thunder. Shows how hard he was.''
*''6) We can't do anything with it. Legal reasons. Plus the fact that we get sent enough game ideas every month to suffocate a decent-sized mammoth.''
*''7) You've got to have a slow-and-steady heavyweight in there somewhere, haven't you? And yeah, using a Kremling reinforces the Diddy Kong link, or something.''
*''8) Shut up, you slavering{{sic}} idiot.''
*''9) No. I didn't found any.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Hello me again. I was most upset at the fact that you did not reply to my well informed questions. Unlike most people my questions were based in reality and not concerned with crazed chefs with knives running around in ''Goldeneye''. So here goes again, perhaps you will look fondly upon this poor fan and answer my questions.''
*''1. Where is ''Banjo-Tooie''? We've heard whispers but what about screen shots or at least some bit of info on it. Why would you hold out upon your loyal fans.''
*''2. Who in the hell is Sniffles... I really want to know where that one came from.''
*''3. Any plans for a RPG game of a serious nature unlike ''[[Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars|Super Mario RPG]]'' (good game but a little on the silly side).''
*''4. Is Banjo-Kazooie going to be able to attach itself to Banjo-Tooie like Sega's Sonic and Knuckles games did a while back. You said you had to go back and forth between the two...''
*''5. Would you Shag Austin Powers now, or later :)???? (Yeah baby...)?''
*''6. I would like to voice concern over the possible future of PD multiplayer mode. I was very disappointed with Turok II's solution to the multiplayer problem (Tiny levels). Granted they are fast, what's the point when two seconds later you're dead cause your opponent is two feet away from you. I hope PD is fast and huge as far as multiplayer goes. I would hate to be gyped{{sic}} by a lousy multiplayer. Goldeneye rocked but is just too slow with four people, it needs to be faster.''

''Thanks Tusky and remember please respond.''

Todd

''Uncle Tusk replies:''
*''1. There's a difference between spitefully "holding out" as you suggest and simply "waiting until we've got some really good stuff to show you", idiot child.''
*''2. He's my lickle cutesy puddy tat, awwww. (Looks around quickly.) Leave it! It's none of your damn business.''
*''3. Hang on, I'll just get my Secret Development Files out and tell you everything... oh, wait a minute! What am I doing? You almost got me there. (Sigh.)''
*''4. I can see you people still mindlessly droning this question months after Banjo-Tooie's release.''
*''5. Or, more accurately, "no baby".''
*''6. The designer says "Don't worry - we removed multiplayer mode completely so that your sensibilities weren't offended." Now look what you've done - putting a stop to everyone else's fun just to satisfy your own selfish whims. You disgusting lowlife.''

*''Dear All-Knowing Tusk,''
''I've been hearing a lot lately about all the great Rare games that are in development. Each one seems to be better than the last. Here is some snippets of text that I remember from traversing the internet:''
*''Banjo-Tooie'' will make ''Banjo-Kazooie'' look like crap.''
*''If you thought ''Banjo-Kazooie'' was the height of N64's graphics then you haven't seen JFG.''
*''Donkey Kong 64'' looked better than most Dreamcast games at E3.''
*''Donkey Kong's characters were so well rendered with so many polygons that they looked real.''
*''Perfect Dark is Goldeneye on some serious steroids.''
*''Perfect Dark's graphics were so good they made me want to cry.''

''All this hype and talk has left me wondering: Which game will look the best? Which one will be the next game that makes everyone ohhh and ahhh and drool so bad that they line up at 3am to buy it?''

''I suspect that DK will edge out the others but you never know...''

McCalls

''PS. What is the context of knackers? Here is my feeble attempt: Joanna Dark unlike Lara Croft will have normal-sized knackers.''

''Uncle Tusk replies: You left out the following:''
*''Donkey Kong 64 will feature a sub-game that cures cancer.''
*''Anyone who plays Jet Force Gemini will live until they're 300.''
*''Vigorous rubbing of the Perfect Dark cartridge grants three wishes of the player's choice.''
*''PS. A most amusing effort, though it couldn't possibly be any less accurate.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Firstly I'd like to say that I don't mind waiting for Perfect Dark to be released as I know that you usually delay games for a good reason that benefits the games player. Also releasing it in April is a killer move as there are never any good games out then so it will clean up. Ignore all the abusive mail (usually from Americans who wouldn't know English if you hit them over the head with a copy of Roget's Thesaurus) and just keep doing what you do best which is make great games.''
''Ok enough sucking up. I have a couple of questions about ''Donkey Kong 64.''
*''1) The game is set to retail for £60 English sterling with the expansion pak. As I already have an expansion pak (an official Nintendo one) will the game also sell without one for people like myself for the normal £40?''
*''2) I heard that when playing the game you will be able to unlock the original arcade version of the game so is this true, and if it is do you have to go back to the same place every time, or is a new menu available on the start screen?''

''Thanks for your time,''

Adam

''PS. When will we see some screenshots of someone who has mapped their face into Perfect Dark?''

''PPS. May I suggest that you be the first victim errr.... volunteer for this.''

''Uncle Tusk replies: Fantastic logic there. Like releasing a decent game at any time of the year other than Xmas is just unheard of. Sigh.''

*''1) Dunno. Not our area, mate. We just concentrate on getting the games finished while Nintendo handles the business side of things. So we'll all have to wait and see.''
*''2) You have to go back to where you find the arcade machine, obviously. Otherwise it wouldn't fit in with the gritty realism prevalent throughout the rest of the game.''

''PS. How should I know? Waiting until the game's out would be a start.''

''PPS. May I suggest that you be the first volunteer to run into my fist.''

*''Dear Mr. Felicity Tusk,''
 
''I am at my wits' end. I have walked across my entire town, scouring every shop and floor for the elusive Blast Corps and yet there seem to be absolutely no copies left... not even in Woolworths! What's going on? Has the £15-brand-new price tag caused a national shortage of the little badgers?''
''Since then I have been gasping for Rare... and even went so far as to purchase Conker's Pocket Tales. Tell me... what the hell is going on in that game? I walk around, acorns tell me where to go, I solve some simple puzzle and more acorns tell me where to go, I complete the game... and so on (or maybe not). It just isn't your style.''
''And because of CPT, may your letters be filled with a nonsensical 6 year old's plea to 'ComPleat Domkey kong Cuntry for teh SENS{{sic}}'. That was a curse, y'know.''
''Yours uncontrollably,''

Greg of the Gravy

''Uncle Tusk replies: So even though it's "simple", you still don't know "what the hell is going on"? Pleb. Blast Corps is bound to be more difficult to find these days than it was on release years ago, simply because the production runs have long since stopped. Try the second-hand shops. Then write in asking how to delete the saved game on the cartridge, no doubt. Sigh.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,
''I would just like to make you aware of a conspiracy that exists at Rare. It has come to my attention that Diddy Kong is inherently evil. I will present you with the most obvious proof first. This proof directly ties Diddy Kong to the communist party.
''As I am sure you have noticed, Diddy wears nothing but red clothes. You might see this and say, "So, many people wear red clothes." However, I would direct you to the fact that Diddy has a star on the front of his shirt! Red... star, star... red, need I say more. The subtlety with which he shows his loyalty to his red brothers clearly proves his skill as a double agent for the KGB, which in fact is not dead as certain people would have us believe.''
''Let's think about the nature of the plot line for ''Donkey Kong Country 2''. If you read the manual it implies that Donkey was kidnapped by the Kremlings (communist spies working out of the Kremlin). I find this very fact somewhat implausible. Donkey Kong pretty much single handedly defeated the Kremlings in the first game. Now all of a sudden he is easily captured by them. I don't buy this. Here is what I think happened. Diddy and Donkey were relaxing on a beach one day. Diddy most likely sent some type of a signal to his Kremling co-horts indicating the plot about to occur. Diddy then drugged the banana cocktail Donkey was most likely drinking, incapacitating the great gorilla. The amount of the drug that must have been used had to have been very large, given the massive bulk of Donkey. For Donkey not to notice that his entire drink was essentially a drug, had to have taken much experimentation and testing. Therefore I have come to the conclusion that Diddy had been in fact planning this for quite some time, no doubt with the help of his red Kremling comrades. With Donkey out of the way he has no problem taking over the game in his name and stealing all of the limelight for himself!''
''Something else I would like to point out is the tie that Donkey Kong wears. A tie has always been for me the traditional symbol, of hard work and capitalism. Diddy with his red... star shirt was without a doubt very jealous of his tie and therefore wanted revenge.''
''Finally, if all of the other proof did not convince you then this final piece of information will certainly open your eyes to the conspiracy. I bring to your attention the Donkey Kong family. If you will notice all of the members of the Kong family are Gorillas... except for Donkey's nephew Diddy! Clearly there is a great deal of brainwashing going on. The Communist conspiracy has brainwashed the entire Kong family in an attempt to allow Diddy to infiltrate this family. With all of this evidence I hope you can clearly see the conspiracy that has been going on for quite some time now. I would like to therefore respectfully request that Diddy Kong be removed from Donkey Kong 64 once and for all ending a communist conspiracy to overthrow our very way of life. Thank You.''

''Respectfully Yours,''

Uncle Darth

''P.S. I would recommend that you all go out now and put on tin foil hats. I don't think you're ready for the mind controlling tactics of the Battletoads yet! Just heed my warning!''

''Uncle Tusk replies: Hey - I hardly ever bother wearing anything more than these furry pants and boots. Does that make me the Antichrist? I'm sure you could link it all together one way or another.
If you read the DKC2 storyline, you'll see that Diddy was off somewhere with Dixie when DK vanished, whereas Cranky had no such alibi - in fact he's seen to launch an unprovoked walking stick attack on DK not long before the big ape gets himself captured, making him... hang on. Am I really trying to defend a chimp against charges of communism? I wish I'd known this job would be so damn freaky before I took it.''

*''Dear Mr. Tusk,''

''You have made me very paranoid after reading your response to the Diddy Conspiracy. The evidence proves that Diddy is a traitor. And you defended him. What does this say? I think we have another traitor, and his name is Tusk.''

Mr. Bored-Web-Surfer-who-decided-to-get-some-amusement-by-hearing-you-ramble-on

''P.S. Eyedol's cooler! We should have Uncle Eyedol!''

''Uncle Tusk replies: I've got more intelligence in my arse cheeks than Eyedol has in either of those stupid shrunken heads of his. And the only thing I'm really bothered about defending is my right to ignore hallucinating idiots such as yourself who spend their lives nurturing furry animal political conspiracy theories. Hang on, you're not George Orwell, are you?''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''

''All right, I know I'm horribly old-fashioned but I cannot find the second secret barrel in the Tundra Blunda level of the Blackforest Plateau World of Donkey Kong Land III. Please help; I'm losing my sanity!''

Dooltle19@aol.com

''Uncle Tusk replies: Astonishingly, the team responsible not only remembers the bit you're talking about but is even prepared to answer you, in spite of that telling email address:
"First secret barrel is found just to the left of your start postion{{sic}}, use Dixie to spin across the gap. The second barrel is found before the halfway point. When you come across the first [[Knick-Knack]], jump on him and then spin across (with Dixie) to the left - if you do this correctly you will hit a hidden barrel."''

*''Hello Tusk,''
''I felt the need to write you tonight simply because I had a few interesting questions to ask and because I have something to apologize for. First, the apology: on behalf of the literate American public, I apologize for the hundreds upon hundreds of illiterate, know-nothing American Rare video game patrons who feel the need to write in. I'm sorry that they try to use British humor. I'm sorry that they ask idiotic questions about beta copies of Goldeneye and especially the very, VERY dumb questions about watching James Bond movies after playing through the game using nothing but the secret explosive toe weapons that require a Game Shark to get. I apologize for pathetic Goldeneye players who feel the need to write in and brag how they beat this level or that level and can kill all their friends and such. I apologize that you still get so much mail about Goldeneye in general. (I'm sure you're sick of that by now... If you're not quite tired of it, however, I apologize for apologizing for that.) I apologize about everything that you have to put up with from some citizens of this country, including claiming that words with unique British spellings are mispelled... I know that all of this incites you to violence, but rest assured: they'll all be dealt with once I assume control. Heh heh heh.''
''Anyway, on to my questions. Enjoy.''
*''1) Perfect Dark has been delayed. I don't mind. The upcoming Turok: Rage Wars has a feature that I am rather intrigued by: statistic tracking in the multiplayer mode. Once I heard of it, I began to wonder what my stats would look like in Goldeneye had it had a lifetime stat-tracking option. (You surely didn't think you could get a letter that DIDN'T mention Goldeneye, did you?) In all seriousness, and not intending to brag, but I would probably be around 1,000-1500 kills to 15-25 deaths. (Yes, if you think about it, my total number of kills seems rather low, but my friends [and several strangers who I have played] refuse to play against me again once I deal them quick 30-1 or 30-0 defeats...) Although I admittedly am not a programmer (yet), it seems simple to implement an option that keeps track of basic stats such as kills, deaths, favorite stage and weapon, and the like. Is there a slim chance that this option (or something similar) may be implemented?''
*''2) Do you all play video games other than the ones you're working on? What are some of the Rare staff's favorite games?''
*''2a) Do you all like multiplayer games? How often do spontaneous bouts of ''[[Super Smash Bros.]]'', ''[[Mario Party]]'', BattleTanx, and (heaven forbid) Goldeneye crop up when you're away from the office? What are some of your favorite multiplayer games?''
*''3) Is there any chance that, without me coming to work for Rare, I could ever get to play a few multiplayer bouts of Goldeneye (or perhaps, Perfect Dark) against Rare staffers? I'd just like to see how badly I'd get my rear end kicked by the programmers and everyone even though I'm probably rather good at multiplayer, considering my record...''
*''4) Uncle Tusk, you stated in October 12's "Ask Uncle Tusk" that you have never received a good letter. What exactly would a good letter be like? I wish to know so that at some point in the future I can send you a good letter. (Give me a serious answer, please.)''
*''Well, thank you for taking the time to read all of my questions. Hopefully they will see the light of day sometime in the "Ask Uncle Tusk" section and come complete with a shiny new set of answers attached to them.''

MK5252@aol.com

''Uncle Tusk replies: Seeing as you mentioned PD, I think I can justify badgering the PD designer into answering most of this lot. And even if I can't, I don't care. Just bear in mind these are his personal answers.''
*''"1) Yup.''
*''"2) Yup. Favourites include FF7, FF8, Halflife, Metal Gear Solid, Gran Turismo...''
*''"2a) Yup. Frequently. EAW, Freespace, Red Alert, SSB..." (And elsewhere in the company, rowdy multiplayer clashes in Smash Bros., Mario Party and even the odd manky wrestling effort aren't totally unheard of.)''
*''"3) Yup, though because it relies on you entering the social circle of a 'Rare Staffer' (tricky because many of us don't have what you'd call big social lives), the chance is actually so miniscule it can't be measured. So nope, then."''
*''4) You can't send me a good letter. Just seeing the stupid, badly-spelt subject headings piled up in my mailbox every morning sends me straight into a filthy mood, so you don't stand a chance of starting off on a good footing. Who ever said the world was fair, fat boy?''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
 
''I've decided that all of this taunting of "mutant kitty" and "radioactive catastrophe" has got to stop. It's hurt my feelings and I'm not sure what to do. I'm coming home for some TLC and have a present for you. I've brought Tiptup and Cranky Kong! They are in a plastic baggie right now, and want to get out. Be careful when you hug me though, because you might turn yellow with magenta polka dots and would have to go to the hospital. Then Tiptup and Cranky Kong would need to host your column.''
 
''Your beloved Kitty,''

Sniffles

''Uncle Tusk replies: That would be... unfortunate. Better chuck them in the river on your way past. But hang on, Sniffles - has all this radioactive business done anything for your mucus problems and moulting? If not, you can bloody well stay away from here because I'm not having a mangy 200-foot snot monster coming and dropping five-stone fleas all over the living room carpet. Why don't you go and stay with Auntie Gertie for a while? She's off her head anyway, so it wouldn't seem particularly out of the ordinary to her. I'll bring you round a nice bag of shark heads when Maya's not looking. Promise.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''

''Well, by now the slew of mail piled up in your inbox about finding lost bananas must be crashing your hard drive into an unrecognizable shmoosh, but I though I'd add my plea to the list.''

''Here goes...''

*''In [[Fungi Forest]], something is supposed to be planted in the area next to the tomato garden, y'know in the bare soil. What and how? I'm guessing it's my last Tiny gold [[banana]], because of the Mini Monkey barrel nearby.''
*''Also, in [[Creepy Castle]], I'm missing [[Chunky Kong|Chunky's]] last gold banana. I have the one from the crypt (smashing coffins), the one from the museum (punch shields, rock on switch, open skull), the one from the barn next to the greenhouse, and the one from [[Snide]].''
 
''Help? Please?''
 
''Your faithful nephew,''

Scott Zdankiewicz

''Uncle Tusk replies: Oh yes, there's no shortage of people demanding to know where they've missed one or two bananas on a level. Hilariously, of course, they don't seem to realise that I'd have to list them all just so they could pick out the ones they haven't found. Cretins.''
''But with a bit of mild DK64 team coercion, I think we might be able to help with your little problems. If you've already found Tiny's Golden Banana by killing all the Klaptraps in the tree stump/termite mound/whatever you want to call it, you should already have something to plant in the soil. If you haven't, well, get to work on that Tiny barrel and music pad sharpish, Remedial Boy.''
''As for the last Creepy Castle 'nana, ah, you're in luck - there's an invigorating bout of everyone's favourite subgame, Beaver Bother, waiting for you inside the 'Spooky Stump'. It says here.''

*''My dearest Tuskie-poo,''

''No, Lupus isn't a Jinjo. (But, speaking of theories, I do think that Mr. Pants is Mumbo without his Mumbo-suit on; doesn't that make a lot more sense than Mumbo's being a Jinjo?) But Lupus fits pretty well into the JFG lesbian couple theory: I suppose it might be better if he were a cat, but then he'd have to spend his time lying around inertly or going off doing whatever he damn well pleases, and what kind of video game would that be? Having a cat be a controllable character wouldn't make sense: 'controllable cat' is an oxymoron.
''So if you're going to have a sidekick, better make it be a dog. As long as it's a big dog, that fits quite well into the lesbian theme. If he were a fluffy toy poodle, that would be rather a problem, but he's not: he's big and strong and powerful and has guns, just the sort of dog that they'd want.''
 
''On a separate note, I can't express how much I love [[Chunky Kong]]. His triangle-playing makes me swoon. He can lift my boulders (or, should I say "get my rocks off"?) any day...''

David Carlton

''Uncle Tusk replies: I think I'll just keep out of this one, thanks. Apart from making the brief point that while Mumbo being Mr. Pants dressed up (which would surely make him Mr. Suit) does sort of make more sense than Mumbo being a Jinjo, what makes even more sense is MUMBO BEING MUMBO AND JINJOS BEING JINJOS AND NEITHER OF THEM BEING EACH OTHER. Now shut up about it before I go crazy-ape psycho mental and give you all paper cuts.''

*''Hey Tussk{{sic}}, it'ss{{sic}} been a while.''

''Roll, remember? Yeah, me!! I ssaw{{sic}} that render of you up on the ol' sscreen{{sic}}, and you've ssure{{sic}} ass{{sic}} hell changed! What'ss{{sic}} with the furry loincloth-boot get-up? Lasst{{sic}} time I ssaw{{sic}} you, you wass{{sic}} with that Orchid gal over on the beach, and, you musst've{{sic}} been drunk at the time, becausse{{sic}} you... and... her, without... well... and... you know (unlesss{{sic}} you were too drunk at the time to remember that you weren't wearing a freaking thing)! *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge* Anyway, I wass{{sic}} looking at your 3D render up there on your column, and you know, I really envy you. I wass{{sic}} talking with Zitz yessterday{{sic}}, (you remember, the green guy who sstuffed{{sic}} 8 50-pound tankss{{sic}} of gassoline{{sic}} down his throat, back in the good ol' dayss{{sic}}), and we wass{{sic}} discusssing{{sic}} how you is now a famouss{{sic}} Rareware sstar{{sic}} now. Buddy, you iss{{sic}} getting all the fame. You're 3D now... and I'm sstill{{sic}} in thiss{{sic}} damn 4-bit ssprite{{sic}} configuration... aw, ssure{{sic}}, I was the 3D of the moment, but then you and that DK character changed that for good. Not that I ain't forgiving you or anything, I mean, we iss{{sic}} sstill{{sic}} buddiess{{sic}}, right? You issn't{{sic}} too good for me now, right? Aw, hell, forget that.''
''Anyway... I've been hanging around your ssite{{sic}} for a bit now (don't give me that "Dignified Rare Employee" junk, I know you iss{{sic}} the bosss{{sic}} around here), and I've heard that you iss{{sic}} now married to Maya! Ssweet...{{sic}} I knew you had more than just a thing goin' with her... do you think maybe the 3 of us can go down to the local "gym" soon, and do a little "workout"? Eh? *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge* Hah! Jusst{{sic}} kidding with you... my dayss{{sic}} of that kind of sstuff{{sic}} have dulled down a bit, I guesss...{{sic}} me and Rattle are living in an apartment in Molokai... one of them damn Hawaiian placess{{sic}}. It'ss{{sic}} a great life... we jusst{{sic}} adopted Pipssy{{sic}}, and I couldn't assk{{sic}} for a better spousse{{sic}} than Rattle. And you? I bet you iss{{sic}} very happy with Maya at the moment, eh? : ) Doess{{sic}} sshe{{sic}} sstill{{sic}} do that dance? Yeah, I bet sshe{{sic}} doess{{sic}} the dance whenever you're coding thiss{{sic}} webssite{{sic}}, jusst{{sic}} to get your attention. Heh. Rattle and I ssaw{{sic}} that cat of yourss{{sic}}, Ssniffles{{sic}} a few weekss{{sic}} ago. Preciouss{{sic}} little devil. I bet Maya missess{{sic}} her... it'ss{{sic}} a fine cat... sssay{{sic}}, how much is that kitty really worth to the ol' girl? Eh? It'ss{{sic}} been a while ssince{{sic}} I did a ranssom{{sic}} job... get back to me on that value of that fluff. We can ssplit{{sic}} the profit, right? You alwayss{{sic}} were a good buddy. Tell Maya hi for me. Oh yeah, and if any of the old SSnake{{sic}} Rattle n' Roll sstafferss{{sic}} are sstill{{sic}} around, tell 'em thankss{{sic}} for all they did for me, and that me and Rattle wouldn't mind a new game... a GBC deal, maybe? Thankss{{sic}}, buddy. I'll try to vissit{{sic}} you later.''

--Roll

''Uncle Tusk replies: Hey, Roll. I bet Sniffles has changed a bit since you last saw the little devil, eh? Yeah, that's right, we got him a new flea collar... oh yeah, and there's the 200 feet thing and the extra limbs and stuff.''
''Maya's fine, she doesn't have much time to do 'the dance' any more because she's so busy helping that Combo loser with his training. She sends her regards, though. Her actual words were "I'll cut your tongue off next time I see you, and you can keep the damn cat."''
''I'm sure you'll get your big 3D break one day, old pal. Look forward to seeing you again then. I'd offer to put a good word in on your behalf for KI3, but of course the problem there is that you'd be crap. Never mind, eh? Hawaii might not be Twycross, but it's still not a bad place to bide your time. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got morons waiting and they just have no respect for my delicate condition...''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Someone changed our ''Mario Party'' game to the German Language and we don't know how to get it back to English! Any advice or contacts who can help would be appreciated (The kids can't play it and it's school holidays).''

RevKev

''Uncle Tusk replies: Those zany Germans, eh? Yeah, I've got some advice as to who you should contact: Nintendo. The people responsible for publishing the game. If you're lucky they'll be able to get the relevant info from the people who actually developed the game, i.e. NOT US, YOU FESTERING DUNCE.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I've found a lot of people are annoyed with Donkey Kong. When I asked why, it was because of a single room. In Creepy Castle Tiny can use the [[Monkeyport]] in the ballroom to reach the museum. Behind the building where you race the car, there is a second monkeyport{{sic}} which takes you across the hall to a room with a pillar with a bright light on it. What is the point of this pillar? Is it the entrance to a lost world, or something you took out (like the island in Dam), or was it there for no reason. Please reply back as a lot of people are counting on you.''

-Si

''Uncle Tusk replies: There was originally a very good reason for it to be there, but now there's not. Just like the 'tree stump' in Fungi Forest was originally riddled with termites, but now it's not. One of those things. Developmental fluctuations. Stuff like that. Still, feel free to give us a laugh by sending in details of the most ridiculous, pointless, anal theories you've had about how this pillar is used to reach the DK64 Lost World - best one wins a packet of Chewits{{sic}}.''

*''Dear good old unky Tusk,''
''Donkey Kong 64'', ''what can I say? Absolutely brilliant game, if anyone is thinking about getting it, do. The one player is brilliant and the multiplayer will have you in stiches because it is really funny.''
''It is a really big game, which is good, with hard challenges along the way. I have got all the way to Hideout Helm, got about 150 bananas, all the blueprints but the absolute hardest thing on the whole game, is the original Donkey Kong, it is impossible, I keep getting to level 3, then dying, I have tried it millions of times but just can't manage it.'' ''Could you lend a helping hand (the one tied behind your back when fighting Sabrewulf would be fine) with a few tips for the original, please.''
''Thanks a bunch Mr. Tusk. ('Bunch' gettit{{sic}}, bunch-bananas-Donkey Kong! I crack myself up!)''

Richard McCaig, your most devoted fan!

''P.S. Do you have a surname and middle name?''

''Uncle Tusk replies: I hope you mean the multiplayer's funny in a good way and not funny because it's crap, otherwise I'll have to stuff my boot down your throat.
Here's my hot tip for the original DK: stop being so useless, you skill-free dumbed-down 90s ponce. I can't believe how much trouble some of you gibbons are having with such a simple game. All it takes is a few minutes of concentration and co-ordination, for God's sake.''

''P.S. Don't need one. How hard would I look if I was called, say, Richard Tusk?''

*''Hey Uncle Tusk, what's with da' clothes?''

''Anyway, I just got DK64 on Saturday the 11th I think of December and I'm asking for some help. I'm in the Frantic Factory world and I can't seem to be able to defeat the boss, [[Mad Jack|MadJack]]. All I ask is for some help (ie- Hints, Tips, How to beat him...)''

''Thanks a Bunch.''

''By the way, how the heck did you get the name, Mr. Tusk, anyway? It sounds really... stupid?''

FlameThrower30@aol.com

''Uncle Tusk replies: And 'FlameThrower30' is particularly inspired, is it? Maybe to an eight-year-old, pal.''
''The best tip we can give you for effectively hoofing our friend Mr. Jack to kingdom come involves the camera setup: zooming it out from the default setting gives you a much wider view of the battlefield and consequently a much better chance of survival. If you've already tried that and you still can't beat him, maybe you should just stick with the original DK arcade game. What, you can't get anywhere with that either? Astonishing.''

*''Dear big-like guy Uncle Tusk dude,;;

''Umm, I need to give you a quote:''
''"my right to ignore hallucinating idiots such as yourself who spend their lives nurturing furry animal political conspiracy theories. Hang on, you're not George Orwell, are you?"--Uncle Tusk (yes, you said that).''
''Now I need to ask you ONE question... what in the hallway is wrong with "Animal Farm"!? Infidel, you probably didn't even know his real name was Eric Blair; George Orwell was just his pen name, you arrogant fool!!! But then again, you're named after an elephant part, what would you know!?!?''
''Oh, yes, and by the way, EXCELLENT job with DK64!!! I LOVE the [[DK Rap|DK rap]]!''
''Now, back to the agenda at hand, you ignorant barbarian. I would love to see an "Animal Farm" video game... be the vicious Napoleon and strategically subdue the rest of the animals except for your fellow swine... or could you choose to play 'Le Resistance', a group of paranoid French chickens who have caught on to Napoleon's evil scheming plot... So, what do ya' think, Uncle Tusk, don't you think that would make a GREAT Rare game?''

Michael Nicholas Broxterman

''(P.S. How do I get a big, beefy body like yours?)''

''(P.S.S. Tell Mr. Pants I said "Hi" and that I enjoyed his appearance in Jet Force Gemini.)''

''Uncle Tusk replies: Did I ever claim to know what George Orwell's real name was? Did you ever expect me to really, honestly give a toss? Animal Farm may well have been a classic of literary allegory and all that, but the fact remains: it was a book about stupid talking animals, and nobody in their right mind could possibly hope to make a living out of... out of... er... next question.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Please do not throw this in your pile of crap mail, I need answers! My question is about Donkey Kong 64, I want to know how to get the Nintendo Coin. There are about four things I could try...''
*''1) I could try to get all the bananas''
*''2) I could try to get all the golden bananas''
*''3) I could try to capture all of the banana fairies on film''
*''4) I could also try to get all the blueprints.''

''Please respond to my desperate cries for help!''

''Your fan,''

Peculiar Dan

''Uncle Tusk replies: You could do all those things, and please do because I'd find it most entertaining when the realisation{{sic}} dawned that none of them were working. What would give you a far greater chance of success is completing the original DK arcade game, then going back and completing it again. Unless you're crap at it like everyone else brought up on these soft modern games. Up the Hardcore!''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk:''
''I'm having a blast defeating all the bosses in Donkey Kong 64, but although I've annihilated the Creepy Castle boss, taken the key to K. Lumsy and watched K. Rool's mouth open, I can't find my way into it to enter Hideout Helm. How do I do it? I'd appreciate your help.''
''Also, in [[Crystal Caves]], how do I break the igloo with the giant boulder inside it so I can lift it with Chunky Kong? And how do I get inside the igloo with [[Tiny Kong|Tiny's]] teleport pad inside it? And how do I enter the library in the Creepy Castle world?''
''Thanks for answering my questions, and long live Donkey Kong!''

Edward Petty

''Uncle Tusk replies: Say hello to your dad Tom for me! Fantastic.
First bit of your question: Monkeyport in as Tiny from K. Rool Isle. Stop being crap.
Second part of your question: there's another boulder outside the igloo, near the ice castle. And a switch not far from that. See? Stop being crap.
Second bit of the second part of your question (nice layout): teleport in from the cave near Funky's hut that you can only reach by shrinking. And... stop being crap.
Third bit of the blah blah etc.: through the library door, genius. You have hit the switch around the corner, haven't you? You'd have to be earth-shakingly crap to - ah, I see.''

*''Tusk,''
''I rented DK64 from Blockbuster and played the heck out of it. Now, I have some questions that I think it would be best to ask you since no one else on the net seems to be that much of a help.''
 
*''1) What's the highest percentage you can get? I heard it was 101% but someone thinks there's a possibility of it being 102%.''
*''2) Do you need to collect ALL of the bananas (the regular variety that can be fed to the hippo to open the boss door) to reach the maximum percentage?''
*''2a) If not, does collecting all of them unlock something like, say, new multiplayer levels?''
*''3) Is there a Lost World in the game? I mean, DKC 2 and 3 had them and I thought there might be one in this too.''

Josh the Video Game Maniac

''Uncle Tusk replies: 
*''1) Someone does, do they? Maybe you should give Someone a sharp slap across the back of the head the next time they start spouting such groundless cack.''
*''2) It's earning the medals that's important, not collecting every last banana, so 75/100 for each Kong on each level should do the job.''
*''2a) Was it your old friend Someone who came up with this theory, by any chance?''
*''3) If I'm to believe what my sources tell me, DK64's Lost World can be found "up your bottom".''

*''Dear Tio Tusko ("Tio" is Spanish for "Uncle", I'm so clever),''
*''1. What the hell are Chewits?''
*''2. Since there's a cheat code that allows you to play as the Rare staff in Goldeneye, I was wondering if the Rare staff ever gets together and plays a nice game of deathmatch using their own characters.''
*''3. I don't like this at all. I mean, you actually answered real questions in the last Uncle Tusk. Sure, that's what you're here for, but you didn't insult enough people. Oh, and the word "arse" wasn't used once! NOOooo!''
*''4. Sean Williamson is crap. 4:13 on the Archives level? I finally beat all of 00 agent after 3 years, but even I had relatively little trouble getting 1:19 on the Archives. My question is... no, I don't have a question, I just wanted to say that he is crap.''
*''5. Why is it that people whine that Rare games are too easy, and when you put in something challenging, like Mizar, they whine even more? I thought the original DK was difficult too... when I was 5 years old.''
*''6. Do the Rare game designers enjoy playing their own games? I'd think that they would've played those games to death, but on the other hand, they're still great games.''
*''7. YoU{{sic}} guys SUCK!!1{{sic}} u{{sic}} delay games and SUCK!!!! i{{sic}} hope ninetndo{{sic}} fires u guys and u diE!S!{{sic}}---- Whoa, sorry, for a second there I reverted into one of those morons that I'm sure you recieve{{sic}} many e-mails from. I'd just like to say that I feel your pain Tusk, I find those people who complain about delays annoying too.''

''Sincerely,''

Urkel

''P.S. Did you notice that using "P.S." isn't funny anymore?''

''P.P.S. No, seriously, did you notice?''

''Uncle Tusk replies:''
*''1. Quality sweets that cling to the roof of your mouth in a big sticky mass.''
*''2. Can you get a 200-player deathmatch going in GoldenEye, then? Anyway, it's just the GE team plus a few others, not the entire Rare staff, and I think the novelty wore off for them a long time ago.''
*''3. You're on the wrong page if it's a gratuitous arse fix you're after. And I was genuinely unaware of being more pleasant than usual last time around, so I'll try to make up for it right now by jabbing you in the small of the back with this gardening fork as I answer the rest of your questions.''
*''4. That'd be a very good point if you weren't the 4,000th person to make it.''
*''5. Because people in general are a bunch of tedious, moaning idiots, that's why.''
*''6. By the time a game's finished, generally its designer is ready to puke violently if he ever sees it again. Of course they're proud of their work, but still, you try concentrating on the same game every day for two or more years...''
*''7. I find everyone annoying. There's no point in discriminating. Now sod off before I break your face, you long-winded git.''

''PS Yes.''

''PPS YES.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''You asked for theories on Tiny's pillar in Creepy Castle.''
*''1) Squiggly symbol on pillar means run around in circles.
*''2) Squiggly sign is same as the picture on Chunky's Door in a temple in [[Angry Aztec]].'' 
*''3) Squiggly symbol is the scroll of gameplay backwards.'' 
*''4) Find an entrance from outside and drop through the roof.''
*''5) use Chunky to carry the rock from the nearby room, then drop the rock so its reflection in the glass lands on the pillar. I hope I win the packet of Chewits{{sic}}, whatever they are.''

-Si

''Uncle Tusk replies: Are those genuine suggestions? Even that last one about the reflection of the boulder? I can only hope that someone logged onto a newsgroup one night after three pints of neat vodka and made them all up for a laugh. Chewits{{sic}} Judgement will be reserved until we've had some more entries...''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Err let's see...''

''A rope ladder is dropped down for Tiny. She then climbs up up{{sic}} the ladder to a waiting helicopter, where she is then whisked off to Site B. Here she joins King Jeff and a couple of people who aren't important enough to have names cos they die later. They then meet up with some hunters who join with them cos they have to get off the island. Blah blah blah, just as it gets good with lots of killing and the like, Steven Speilberg{{sic}} comes along and sues Tiny. So she is forced to hand over all her hard earned Bananas, Coins, and so on. At which point she is kicked back to DK Isle, to find that Steven also won the deeds to DK Isle in the court settlement. So to round up the Kong family have to move and K. Rool doesn't want it any more cos it's now been turned into the set for Steven's next film, and the game ends, so there isn't really much point in finding the Lost World, as it only causes more problems than anything else.''
 
''How was that... do I win some Chewits now????''

John

''Uncle Tusk replies: No. The conclusion that you shouldn't bother looking for the Lost World at all is a plus point, but I was really hoping for stupid scams that selected morons have actually fallen for, not stuff you've made up on the spot. Chewits are 20p from our vending machine, you know - I can't go handing them out to just anyone.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''What's this I hear about Flamethrower30... @aol.com, yes, who can't beat Mad Jack? I believe that I have found an easy way to avoid being squashed. Simply fall off the squares, and when Tiny rides the platform back up, just stay there until Mad Jack stops and the switches appear. There are only two drawbacks:''
 
*''1: Mad Jack will fry you at close range... not a problem for someone with a name like Flamethrower.''
*''2: You will stomp anyone who tries this cowardly method.''

''...Oh wait, this button says "SUBMIT YOUR CRY FOR HELP." So I'd better come up with a wimpy question fast. Okay, here goes...''
''...About Enguarde's bonus arena. This Lap Bonus... going through the stars once is easy, but can I get it again in the same game? Doing two laps doesn't net me another bonus.''
''Or, more importantly, is there any similar reward in the Rambi Arena (other than the Combo X2 awards)?''
''Your harsh language, criticism, and complaints will be... appreciated.''

''Uh, right.''

''Sincerely,''

A Gamer In{{sic}} Desperate Need Of{{sic}} Less Spare Time

''Uncle Tusk replies: Actually I won't stomp anyone who uses that method, because it means they'll have one less reason to come whining to me about their own sickening incompetence.
You really didn't need to rack your brains for a crap question as well, you know. I wouldn't have minded. Anyway, you've basically answered it yourself... and I don't think there's anything else in the [[Rambi Arena]] either, so you may as well just stop rambling and bugger off.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I just want to say first of all that this is NOT about Tiny's Pillar! I know you have gotten a lot of mail about it and are probably getting a tad bit annoyed. With that in mind, here is my DK64 question:''

''What is the Chimpy Cam? It's on the Options menu, and there are 2 choices for it: Follow or Free. Both appear the same to me. What is it for?''
''Also, could this have something to do with camera views in like, Troff/Scoffs' room, the battle arenas, etc. where there is a fixed camera? Because on the back of the DK64 box it shows some great screenshots, but from impossible angles... like the Battle Arena, shown like the camera was on the arena, and the Gloomy Galleon boss, shown from the water (not above like in-game). Is there a way to get the camera into those neat positions? I'm just curious as to how you got those screenshots. Perhaps there is a code to put on a kind of "camera mode" where you can rotate the camera and zoom in and out? Or just a way to turn off the fixed camera in say, Troff and Scoff's Room, or any other place?''
 
''Thank you for your time, I hope to hear from you soon!''

Keith Koshman

''Uncle Tusk replies: Tsk. Any fool can see that 'Chimpy Cam' is just a comedy monkey-related name for the in-game camera. The option was added to give you a bit more freedom with your choice of viewpoint: Free is the standard free-floating (duh) setting, while Follow gives the camera a little extra nudge to stick behind your character at all times. Neither choice affects the occasional fixed viewpoint like the ones you mentioned. As for the box shots taken from wacky angles, nope, don't even try to simulate them. They're the result of whole days near the end of the project spent trying to pin down the perfect screenshot...''

*''Hello Uncle Tusk!''
''Ok I found every single thing in DK 64 except one and that's one stupid golden banana with Diddy on Gloomy Galleon and it's driving me crazy. It's the one where you have to enter the mechanical fish thing and destroy those three lights. I always run out of time. Is there a way to hit two lights at once I don't know I'm desperate so please help.''

Dovla@mail.com

''P.S. Excuse my English if anything is wrong with it I come from Croatia and I bet you can't guess where that is.''

''Uncle Tusk replies: You don't need to hit two lights at once unless you're crap, and I mean seriously crap. I take it you do realise{{sic}} you have to hit them all three times? If you've just been hitting them all once then sitting there whimpering until your time runs out, that'd be really funny.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Okay I have two questions.''

*''1) Why isn't there a "cast of the characters" on DK64. I mean there was on DKC, DKC2, and DKC3.''

*''2) Can you tell me where all the bonus levels are on Orang-utang Gang on DKC1. If anyone thinks I'm a retard to ask this question you have NOT read Uncle Tusk from March 21, 2000. Oh, one more thing stop looking for the smallest mistakes in somebodys{{sic}} letter, that's what makes you "crap". If you do that to mine you are gay with King K. Rool.''

Aarond64@aol.com

''Uncle Tusk replies: You left out several commas, a couple of question marks and an apostrophe. Oh, hang on - the threat of being "gay with King K. Rool" terrifies me beyond belief and I take it all back. But I'm still not answering your questions, arseface.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I scored 5,000 points on the [[Jetpac]] game, but Cranky still refused to give me the Rareware coin. Do you have to have beaten the original Donkey Kong game first? (I think my game maybe a bit messed up, though; I scored exactly 5,175 points, which should be my high score, but the game says that my highest score is an unbelievable 675,000!)''

~Christie

''Uncle Tusk replies: Haven't we done this before? Cranky doesn't give you the Rareware coin: it's activated as a pick-up within Jetpac once you've cleared the 5000-point barrier, so don't expect it to drop down immediately every time. 675,000 "unbelievable"? Ah, you innocent young Jetpac virgins...''

*''Hi Uncle Tusk!''
''I have recently finished your brilliant DK64 (in 43:30 I might add, well under the average completion time) and was just wondering what the hell the crowns do. Cranky says he has "forgotten" and I can't find what they do anywhere. I wouldn't mind so much except it took me ages to find them all. Please help!!''

Peter Renshaw

''P.S. Sorry to brag but I'm really proud of myself at the moment!''

''Uncle Tusk replies: Beating one battle arena and getting your first crown opens up that multiplayer option. You'll need four crowns to get your hands on the final K. Lumsy key, and if you're angling for 101% then you'll need every last crown, along with all the other stuff. How's that? Comprehensive or what? Yeah, I just nicked it from the design notes in front of me.''

*''Hello Uncle Tusk!''
''I have just finished DK64 with 101%. Great, I know. What baffles me more is the ending. You know, the dolphin picture. Leaves me a question: What Dolphin games do you have in development. I don't mean toys for we-are-cute-and-so-intelligent-but-can't-escape-a-tuna-net sea mammals (I love tuna, just in case you want to know). What I mean are games for Nintendo's forthcoming state-of-the-art-next-gen-console. You just can't imagine how badly I need it... the info... something else too, but I won't bother you with that one. Actually, I don't just ask you, I beg you for some info. And if I don't get what I beg for I'm gonna go REAL mad. I might end up shoving all my Rare games up Helmut Kohl's rectum and blaming YOU for it. He'll go mad too, considering the fact that half a dozen cartridges in the arse is no fun. He'll get you and eat you with some Kraut for breakfast. Got the point? So you better tell me the truth. ASAP!!!''

Fabian Anklam

''P.S You guessed right, I'm from Germany. Try to say "Fischstäbchen" and don't forget to pronounce the Umlaut correctly.''

''Uncle Tusk replies: He's got a name like Helmut, and you're aiming your obscene references at his rectum? Talk about a missed opportunity.''
''Apparently, the whole 'Dolphin auditions' thing was the result of one of the team members "going off on one", which is another way of saying that nobody here really understands it either and you'll never get a satisfactory answer out of any of us so you may as well forget about it, you snail-eating fool. No, hang on, that's not right.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Having spent about 70 hours wading through DK64, although I have the Rare coin form completing the Jetpac game, It would seem I have come to a dead end as I cannot locate the lever to switch the original DK arcade machine on... and consequently can't finish the sodding thing off! Advice please???? I have spent hours trying to locate this and it is not fun...!!
J.''

''Uncle Tusk replies: You can't find the lever? What, seriously? You can't find the lever that's sitting right in front of the DK machine? The only possible excuse for not seeing this lever is being a bit slow and failing to do the Barrel Blast in the Frantic Factory level which makes the damn lever appear, and that's not much of an excuse anyway unless your mysteriously absent surname is 'Williamson'.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I have a few questions. 
*''1: When do you think Tooie is gonna come out?''
*''2: Will you be able to turn into Diddy Kong?'' 
*''3: Is every level going to have a boss?'' 
*''4: Are the rumors that there's a secret in MMM true, or is that just BS?''
*''5: Do you think that Leo DeCaprio{{sic}} should get hit with a piece of raw steak? (I do.'') 
*''And last, but not least 6: What kinds of moves will Mumbo Jumbo know? Shaman Slam? Mumbo Master Magic? Jinjo Jumbo? Thanks.''

Darrin DeVito

''Uncle Tusk replies: Say hello to your dad Danny for me! I'm just too funny.''
*''1) Probably when we last said it would.'' 
*''2) Shut up, you appalling fool.''
*''3) Yes, as far as I know.'' 
*''4) Do you think you could possibly give me any less to work with?''
*''5) Keep your twisted celebrity fantasies to yourself.''
*''6) I've no idea, and thanks to general aggravation brought on by the rest of your barrel-scraping questions, I've no intention of finding out. Learn from this.''

*''Dear Tusky,''
''The basic reason I'm writing to you is to tell you about this word I made up. It's "fart-wad." Isn't it funny? Also, I would like to know how tall you are. For instance, if you stood next to Godzilla (right before you break his face) how would you stack up? Also, I need some help with Mario 64: I have 119 stars, but the single one I can't get is that darned [[MIPS|bunny]]! He keeps jumping away right before I get him. How do I get it?''

''p.s{{sic}} My cat thinks you are mantastic.''

''p.s.s{{sic}} My cat also thinks Ricky Martin is mantastic.''

''p.s.s.s{{sic}} You two could go into business together! He could sing and you could smash people up!''

''OK that's it.''

''Love,''

Superman

''Uncle Tusk replies: It's not quite the same thing, but I wouldn't mind smashing Ricky Martin up - "mantastic" or not. If you read my bio on the KI2 pages you'll see that I'm 6'11, so while breaking Godzilla's face might be a bit tricky, his gonads wouldn't stand a chance. Shove the rabbit up your arse.''

*''Dear Tuskie,''
''Please answer my question of how the hell people have managed to get a HUGE 345 points in Enguarde arena when I can only manage 310. (Oh sorry you don't know because you have no skill at it.) But still could you ask round and see if anyone has any ideas of how they did it (apart from cheating).''
''Well thanks for your time unless you don't bother to answer my question but just insult me instead (in which case I will smite you with a curse of cockroaches, beetles, ants, snails, worms and poisonous spiders in your loin cloth.)''

PYROMANIAC

''Uncle Tusk replies: Some people have managed over 400, you know. You must be a bit crap, that's all. There are plenty of variations on plenty of strategies doing the rounds - try looking up the GameFAQs DK64 page, as anyone with half a brain would have done before writing in, but I'll forgive your slow wits just this once because at least you're not ranting on about some poxy Beta version.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Does Tiny really need to explain her pillar? I mean, honestly. She probably was just walking through a mall or store one day, it was on sale, and she, "just had to have it." You know how the stereotype goes. Did I win the Chewits? I hope not. They're probably crap. And I don't mean normal crap, I mean like Sean Williamson crap. In fact they're probably endorsed by Sean Williamson. I bet the package has his big crap face right on the package with his dippy toothless smile. If Sean Williamson was a WYSIWYG interface it'd just be a blank background with "CRAP" written on it. But stop buggin' Tiny about her damn pillar. She has it and that's that.''

Moop

''Uncle Tusk replies: The Chewits{{sic}} are yours, as a reward for the use of soothingly clear logic and the added bonus of the phrase "dippy toothless smile". Just name your flavour.''

''*Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Hey, I'm really stuck on Goldeneye and DK64.''
*''1) Goldeneye''
''On the Train level in 00 Agent mode, I get to the end and try to kill Ourumv and Xenia, but I just can't do it without killing Natalya. I've put on an infinite health, all guns, and maximum ammo cheat but I still can't hit them both. Is there ANY way that you could help me? PLEASE!!! I really want to do this, so I can do the Temple and get 007 mode before Perfect Dark comes out!!''
*''2) DK64''
*''In the Angry Aztecs level, I can't find 10 of Chunky's bananas. I've got everybody else's and I'm trying to complete the game with everything. Could you please give me just a small list of places to look in Angry Aztecs for Chunky's green bananas?''

''PLEASE REPLY SOON!''

Steven Hope

''Uncle Tusk replies:''
*''1) Aim for their heads. Obviously. Shuffle around until both of them are relatively close together before trying to 'pop a cap'. And you can't clear a level using cheats anyway, divvy.''
*''2) No. That's a really irritating question. Go and read a bloody player's guide or a FAQ or something. (Are we paying you for this? - The Management)''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Hi. So I've been playing DKR for a bit, and now I'm stuck with four gold trophies, complete Wizpig and T.T. medallions, four keys, and 38 BALLOONS!!! I unlocked the Lighthouse warp, and I've beaten Wizpig, and I've obviously drained all four levels of all their balloons, but I still only have 38. The only thing I can think of, is that I haven't found all of the "Hub world" balloons. Could you be so kind as to inform me of the island balloons' exact locations? Thanks.''

-Matt

''P.S.... No, I'm not gonna say it. Sorry.''

''Uncle Tusk replies: Finger on the pulse, eh? I'm sure the DKR designer would love to haul his mind back a few years for you, because frankly, I can't be arsed.
''"It's been a very long time so I'll try to remember - there's one out at sea, there's another at the end of the river where it meets the sea (hidden behind a tree) and the other is floating in the air close to WizPig's head.'' ''If you've collected all these, try doing Taj's Challenges again, you may have missed picking up one of his balloons.'' ''You should have 39 balloons without doing the space tracks.'' ''Do these and your total should be 47 (I think)."''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Despite your very tarnished reputation regarding informational reliability, verbal etiquette, and common use of a technique in which you make up words to cover for your spelling mistakes, you occasionally are useful. I'm not sure of this, though. I offer you a test:''
*''1. Banjo-Tooie is reportedly being delayed because it doesn't want to be sold in the shadow of Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, a spot which, I admit, a game like Banjo-Tooie does not deserve. So, does this delay mean that, since it probably COULD be finished by September but WON'T, Banjo-Tooie will just collect dust until it is conviently marketable (to get the most money out of the title), or it will continue to be refined and adjusted and perfected during the delay?''
*''2. A Donkey Kong game for Dolphin is currently being developed. If not, then Rare will begin development on it soon. Is Rare planning to make DK-Dolphin just like Banjo-Kazooie and DK64 but with bigger worlds and better graphics, or will the game have a much different feel?''
*''3. Do you actually post all received questions and replies to the web page, or do you ignore some and answer others. Of course, if you choose to ignore mine, then my question will ''already be answered. But I certainly do hope to see your reply to this one. I want to know how you will still be able to rip into me after not providing any substantial answers to the first two questions :-)''

- Luke

''Uncle Tusk replies:'' 
*''1) Look. The team is still working to get ''Banjo-Tooie'' finished. The aim is to release it as soon as possible, irrespective of what else is due out. It's not as if Tooie is some kind of big RPG competitor to Zelda. You are not in a position to know anything about this situation: we are.''
*''2) It's being developed, you say? Oh, but then you contradict yourself - and you're still wrong. That's very impressive. You might want to try differentiating between opinion and fact sometime. You know, just as an experiment.''
*''3) Of course I don't post every single letter I get. You think the page is full of rubbish now? You don't know the half of it (obviously, since you seem to think that your own letter is one of the quality ones).''

*''Dear Idiot,''
''Update, darn you! Pull your head out of your loincloth covered arse and update!''
''I have a question for you: Were by any chance high when you created the Backlash?! That is the sorriest piece of crap I have ever laid eyes on! Well, maybe not as crap as Sean Williamson, but none of us have ever actually seen him.'' ''It's a freakin' dump truck!! Why the heck would the famous Blast Corps use a dump truck when they have stuff like the J-Bomb?! Oh well...''
''On another note, though this may be a little outdated, I have a Tiny's Pillar theory (although you'll probably hate me for bringing it up again): Stomp on the pillar three times and it sinks into the ground, pushing a statue of Mumbo up from the ground on the other side of the glass (near the model of the factory). Go there, then approach the statue. A small feather bow target is on its back. Shoot it, and Mumbo's mask falls off, revealing that he is actually a Jinjo!'' ''Then, a countdown starts, giving you exactly 120 seconds to get back to the pillar.'' ''Stand where the pillar once was to be transported to Timber's Island.'' ''Here, Pipsy the Mouse and Bottles the Mole approach Tiny and give her magic beans.'' ''Transport back by beating Wizpig in a race. Plant the magic beans in a newly revealed plot of land, and a homing beacon pops out of the ground. A cinema scene follows where the Jet'' ''Force Gemini ship crashes into the lighthouse. Go there, and you will see that Juno's wig has fallen off and he is, in fact, a woman. If you promise not to tell anyone (yeah, right),'' ''they take you to the Lost World, but not before Diddy and his Commie friends try to stop you. There, do I get the Chewits?''
''Not very sincerely,''

A.

''PS Tell Maya I said hi.''

''Uncle Tusk replies: The Blast Corps team can't get every vehicle they own to every crisis area at the same time, you gibbon. You just have to use what's available. (Faint sound of hundreds of minds picking holes in explanation.) Anyway, how much fun would Diamond Sands have been if you'd had J-Bomb or the Cyclone Suit knocking about? See? You just want it easy all the time, you wasters.''
''And the Chewits were awarded months ago, so to continue the Blast Corps theme: You Can Stop Now.''

''PS Hands off.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I have been searching for a way to delete all the information stored on DK64. Such as the Battle area, and the Banana Ferries area. Is this the only section I may not delete or is this game corrupted. To let you know I can delete files that I have stored game play on but only this section. Please let me know if there is anything I can do in order to enjoy the restart of this game.''
''Your Help Is Very Appreciated,''

Fernando Dominguez

''Uncle Tusk replies: What's that noise? Can you hear it? Sounds like... drums. Ahaha! Just my little Abba joke.''
''Responsible DK64 Programmer Type explains: "Certain data was considered too important to delete when removing game data. This includes all high scores on DK, Jetpac, Rambi and Enguarde. Also any of the big features like opening up the mystery page, the start of level cutscenes, activating mystery games, playing the bosses, collecting characters for the multiplayer and the end sequences."''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Killer Instinct is my favourite game!!! Hmm... anyway.''
''Is there any way that you could drop the prices of RARE games in Wales? We don't earn the same income as England.''
''Oh and please develop another Super Nintendo game... I love playing games like ''Donkey Kong Country'' on it!!''
''Thank you Uncle Tusk.''

Christian Richards

''Uncle Tusk replies: Living in a coalmine must have done things to your head. Still, just for the amusement value of it, I'll have a word with Nintendo about slashing the prices of games shipped to Wales and allocating a few million to the revival of manky old SNES development while they're at it, but in all honesty I think they'll just tell me to fu[Yes, probably. - The Management]''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''This letter is quite unusual when compared to the rest, in the sense that there are is no swearing, death threats or stupid questions about why a certain explosive barrel in Goldeneye is a certain color, and that there are rumors that the color was changed after being tested in a beta version, which is allegedly still available in Latvia and that in this version it is possible to play as the bloke from Jetpac if you shoot fifty guards in their right hand with a Klobb, without getting hit, on 00 Agent at a secret level which becomes available if you shoot the helicopter at the Cradle. So those things are all absent from this letter.''
''However there is something I DO want to ask you. On DK 64, I've fully completed the game... almost. I have all the bananas but I just need one more measly stinkin' Battle Crown form DK Isles. Beating the baddies won't be a problem but I just can't seem to find another pad with K. Rool's ugly head on it. I have searched for many, many hours, so could you PLEASE tell me the location of the 2 Battle Crowns on DK Isles (I don't know which one I've already got since I collected it months ago).''
''I'm going to buy Perfect Dark (which I rented, it's great!) when I complete DK 64, so there's a financial advantage to be gained here, which might just enable those fantastically talented people at Rare to improve their dire situation a bit so that they don't have to go on experiencing the excruciating pain of living without that third Ferrari any longer.''
''I would really appreciate it if you could help me. Thanks in advance,''

Hegge

''Uncle Tusk replies: Crowns. Right. One's next to Snide's hut, and that's probably the one you've got. The other's on the floating island that takes you to Fungi Forest, and to get it you'll need to hit the mushroom inside the hut using each of the Kongs when it's their corresponding colour, which will ultimately reveal a pad that you can use to locate the Crown. Yes? Yes.''
''Not everyone here's got multiple flashy, lightweight sports cars, you know. I still go everywhere by wildebeest. They might not be so hot at overtaking, but at least they don't break down on speed bumps.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Hi! My 2 kids and I are stuck in Fungi Forest. We have most of the items in all the levels along the way, but can't beat the boss to get to the next level. We have been stuck for months. We have tried so hard, so many times. We have the player's guide, but it only says to use Chunky's Primate Punches. We do that! We hardly ever get much damage and always use Primate Punches as soon as he gets his Chunky barrel. HELP!! What are we missing? We always sink into the lava before anything happens. We are very frustrated. We loved Banjo-Kazooie too, but never got stuck like this so we just can't do anything else!! Please help us!''
''Thank you,''

The Allens

''Uncle Tusk replies: He's a bit of a swine, that dragon. Basically, once you've turned into Hunky Chunky, you need to inflict a certain amount of damage on him in the short space of time before he buggers off and leaves you to fry. The best way to do this is to combine the Primate Punch with flurries of quick jabs, and to close with some sage words from one of the DK64 team, "be quick and don't run around like an arse."''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''I am nearly at the end of Donkey Kong for Nintendo 64. I just defeated the Boss of Crystal Caves. King Krool's mouth opened and before I had an opportunity to enter it, I saved and turned off the machine. Now when I enter the game I cannot get into the mouth - I went back to Crystal Caves to see if I had to beat the Boss again, but no the lovely hippos are gone. Can you please help. Another game player just did the same thing I did however he went into the mouth right away before saving and didn't have any problems. Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.''
''Regards,''

Marlynne Potter

''Uncle Tusk replies: According to a key member of the DK64 team, who hopefully wasn't still drunk from the Xmas party when I asked him, the mouth will immediately close again if you haven't collected enough Boss Keys. So you probably still need to arrange a date for kicking the face off the Spooky Castle boss. Yes?''

*''Mr. Psychopathic Maniac,''
''Yay! A whole truckload of dumb questions for you now! Can't hardly wait, huh?''
*''1. Do you find it disturbing that Mr. Pants has been in more games than you? (Counting KI2 and KI Gold as one game, because they're pretty much the same thing, 'cept one's for the N64 and one isn't.)''
*''2. Where'd you get those boots? Have you done any sell-out ad campaigns for them like many a sports star? Love that furry stuff on them. What is that? Koala?''
*''3. How far can you kick a cat about the size of a boulder?''
*''4. Seeing as how bad guys reincarnate in DK64, do you ever dice up a [[Klump]] or two just to relieve some stress?''
*''5. Do you ever wonder why people write in stupid letters asking about you and your cat and Mr. Pants etc. to the game help column?''
*''6. I think adorable puppies are just parasites that shove their paws into your ears and suck thoughts from your mind as you sleep. Most people think I'm crazy when I say that, but you being a psychopathic maniac, meaning you're already crazy, must mean you either agree with me about puppies, or you're a big hypocrite.''
*''7. I like the number 7. Do you?''
*''There. If you're about tearing your hair out about this being your bazillionth stupid letter, you can take comfort in knowing that I toiled as long thinking of stupid things to say, as you did thinking of witty and somewhat violent replies.''

''Bye then.''

-Bhlaab

''Uncle Tusk replies:'' 
*''1. No, he deserves it for his ground-breaking contributions to the fashion industry. And anyway, he's lucky enough to have a far more versatile public persona - the only game I'm likely to get called up for is (shudder) KI3.''
*''2. It's shrew - I made them myself. Koala is so 1996.''
*''3. With or without it exploding?''
*''4. No. They're fictional characters. How many times do I need to explain the difference to you?''
*''5. Well, it saves me a bit of work.''
*''6. I don't have to be crazy to be psychopathic. I have no stupid delusions. In fact, it's quite the opposite - people rambling on about how zany and wacky they are make me want to kill them. Funny how these things work, eh?''
*''7. Any number's fine by me as long as it's the number of your last question.''

*''Dear Uncle Tusk,''
''Where are all 18 sticker packs in Donkey Kong Country? Also where is the lost level? I've got 98% and have unlocked no lost level plus I cannot find the last 3 sticker packs anywhere. Please help.''

Jeffrey McClymont

''Uncle Tusk replies: To be honest I didn't think anyone would bother even attempting to answer such an aggravatingly vague question, but the designer's made the effort. I hope you appreciate it, 'Jeffrey'. There will, of course, be serious trouble if you don't.''
''"If you compare DKC-GBC with DKC on SNES, you'll find that there is a level in Chimp Caverns on the GBC that wasn't there on the SNES. How did it get there? It was lost and we found it. Well done for getting all but three of the stickers, some of them are really deviously hidden! What we did when we placed the stickers was to make sure that each sticker and green banana pair were placed within the same screen. So look about a screen's size up, down, left, or right and you should find your missing stickers. Sorry I can't be more precise, but I can't tell you where all the stickers are now can I?"''

==External links==
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20020602223115/http://www.rareware.com:80/bites/agonyaunt/ The "Ask Uncle Tusk" page on the Rare website] (archived)

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